Colton felt the bubble of anger rising and he took a deep breath. His mother had been burnt…a lot and he understood that. She was jaded from life and a marriage that went south a long time ago. How she remained so bitter for so many years was beyond him? Both is parents made mistakes, they were both at fault but she never saw it that way. Colton had cut her some slack for a long time but that was not an inexhaustible resource. For a while their relationship was teetering on the edge and Iris always pulled him back from cutting her out completely.
His mother didn't like Iris, he knew that but no matter how often she put her down Colton never wavered. He adored Iris, he had fallen in love with her quickly and that had never waned. She was the love of his life.
"What do you mean?" She looked at her son strangely having overheard him talking earlier that IVF wasn't something they were contemplating. He was talking to his Aunt who he had always got on well with and she was asking her sincerely how Iris was. She really liked Iris she had always be nice to her, she was fun and sweet and treated her nephew well. She loved talking about her work with the Foundation and had helped out of few times with fundraising.
"Iris and I decided that it's not something we want to do."
"Why not?"
"The risks for Iris are too great."
"What risks?"
He didn't want to talk to his mother about their decision regarding fertility. It had been a gut-wrenching decision for them and the realisation that their hopes of having a family were fading had been difficult to come to terms with. It was Iris's body and she was the one that had to endure the treatments and she didn't want to do it and he wasn't going to force her into anything. "Doesn't matter, they are not risks Iris wants to take and I don't want her to either."
"So you are just giving up?"
"Giving up? Giving up what?"
"A future, children, a family."
"I have a future, we have a future, I have Iris, we have a family."
"Well her sisters and brother do; you don't though do you? Why is she being so selfish?"
"Excuse me?" Colton exploded. "How dare you? Iris isn't being selfish, you, however are. Do you have any idea what it was like for her to lose her ovary? She was devastated and IVF increases the risk of torsion, cysts, ectopic pregnancy and if that happens and she loses her other ovary that means menopause. She's not even 30."
"Well if you aren't going to have children she may as well go through menopause."
Colton couldn't believe his mother, she was being cold and callous and he was just glad that Iris wasn't here to witness it. It would break her heart, she was trying so hard to overcome her disappointment about not falling pregnant. They had ditched the birth control almost a year ago hoping that something might happen but so far there was nothing, not even a glimmer of hope. "She can still have children, there is a chance she can get pregnant."
"IVF has come a long way."
"You want Iris to risk her health doing something that scares her and that she doesn't want to do just so you can maybe have a grandchild you can see? A grandchild won't replace Sophie."
"So you can have a child, a child that you want."
"I don't want a child if it's not with Iris."
Marchella tried a different tack, she was concerned Colton was cutting off his nose to spite his face. Iris was strong willed; she knew that and it felt more like that Iris had made this decision unilaterally. At least that what she wanted to believe. It seemed liked Iris had convinced him that it wasn't worth the risk to make her son happy. "There are ways to help increase her chances surely that don't have any side effects."
"What do you think we are doing? We've looked into things, we've consulted the experts, we are doing everything we can but you know what it might not happen and we are prepared for that."
"I think you should seriously consider whether this is what you want. To be childless. Not what Iris wants but you."
"What I want, mother, is to be with Iris. That's it. Iris."
"I just want what is best for you."
"What is best for me is Iris." He slapped his chest angrily. "I can't just turn it off, I've tired and that didn't work, I don't want it to work, I'm happy with Iris and what we have decided to do is between us. It's our decision and it's not easy and I don't care if you like it or not. Believe me, your feelings were not a consideration in our decisions, nor will they ever be."
Colton just walked out. He couldn't sit there for another moment. Did she think they hadn't been through every possible scenario? Iris had even told him that she wouldn't hate him if he decided that she wasn't where he wanted to be. He hated that, he hated that she could even think that. 'Wombat, this is it for me. You are it, we've done the other thing and I don't want it or like it. So, that's it, no more. I love you, I want to grow old with you, with or without children. If I had a choice between a child or you, every single day I would pick you.'
He sent his mother a message when he got home. Fortunately Iris wasn't home and he had a chance to cool down before she came in. He told his mother that 'the least you can do for me is not mention anything to Iris. I don't want you upsetting her, this is hard enough for her as it is. I hoped you'd support us, it hurts that you don't.. you are not the mother I want or need right now.' He had no idea whether his plea would be heard, he doubted it would. She was that vindictive and if she thought she could drive a wedge between them she would.
Iris had just started her period the day prior so everything was a little raw right now, for both of them. Not only was Colton disappointed that she wasn't pregnant, because he wanted a baby as much as she did and he was heartbroken for her every time. It only made him love her even more though.
He never got a reply from his mother, not that he was expecting it.
Iris got his mood though. As soon as she walked in she knew that Colton was pissed off. "You are grumpy?"
"Nope."
Iris pushed her face right up into his and laughed. "Bullshit. What did your Mom do?"
"Just being Mom."
"Do I need to take her out?"
"No, you need to hug me." Iris obliged.
It hadn't been an easy decision for them. Even when they discussed stopping birth control it was a big risk. They weren't really ready for children but knew that it might take a while, they were also secretly hoping that they'd be surprised. For Iris also being on birth control meant that she didn't have that dread hanging over her that she might fail at conceiving. If they didn't stop it then they were none the wiser but one day they had to face up to the possibility of not being able to have children.
Now they were a year down the track, they hadn't told anyone they had stopped using birth control until they hit the six month mark. That's when they could start talking to fertility specialists. They had all the tests and there was no reason for it other than Iris only have one ovary.
Now they were struggling a little, it put a strain on their relationship until one day Iris put a stop to it. Quite literally, in the middle of sex Iris asked him to stop. She had fled the bed in tears when Colton did what she asked.
"Sorry." He rolled off her. His sad apology was hard to swallow.
"Don't, don't" Iris pushed him away. He let her go and heard her crying in the bathroom. It broke his heart and he started to panic a little, he felt like things were falling apart for them.
Colton had no idea what to do and just as he was about to go see her Iris came back, dressed in her pyjamas and slid into bed beside him. She rested her head on his chest and sobbed her heart out. "It's okay Bug."
"I'm sorry."
"Bug, it's okay."
"No it's not, that wasn't fair to you."
"None of this is fair. I want this for you more than anything, I want this for me."
"I can't do it right now. Like that was horrible, I felt horrible. I don't want sex between us to be just about trying to make a baby. It was never like that for us, it's always been incredible, I always feel loved and adored by you and right now it didn't feel like that. I felt like it was a chore and I hate that. I feel like you were just going through the motions, I felt like I was just lying there letting it happen and I didn't care it was you and I hate it, I hate it."
"Okay Iris."
"I want to take a break."
"No." Colton wasn't letting her go again. They'd done that and it didn't work and it wasn't what they wanted. He wasn't letting Iris run when things got hard. If she did and if he let her go he knew it would be the end of them forever and he didn't want that. "We are not taking a break; I am not letting you go."
"Not from us." Iris took a moment to figure out what he was saying no too. It was nice that he was so adamant that they were not taking a break. "From trying to get pregnant. I want to go back on the pill for a while."
"No." Colton did not even contemplate it, he'd learned a lot about contraception, conception and birth control in the past year or so. They were told very early on that it can take a while to fall pregnant once you came off birth control while the body adjusted to the differing hormones. He didn't want her back on it and then when they re-started she had that period of time to wait again. Surely it was better for her body to be free of anything for as long as possible. "No, you are not going back onto birth control."
"It's my body, I can do what I want." Iris was surprised at how stubborn and demanding Colton was being.
"Of course you can, but if you are just going back on the pill so you don't have to worry each month if it is going to happen or not then there are other ways."
"Such as?"
"I'll use condoms."
"You hate them."
"I don't care, if that makes all this stop, if that eases your mind and mine then I will do it." Colton pleaded with her. "Let me do this for you? Please? Let me do this for us?"
"Can we talk about it tomorrow?"
"Sure, sure." He sighed. "Iris, you know I love you right? So much, we are in this together, this is our problem, not yours, it's ours."
"I know." At least she slept close to him. If she had rolled away it would have killed him. They expected the rollercoaster, the dips just seemed deeper than they anticipated.
Colton left it until they both got home from work. The morning wasn't the time to talk about it but he did tell her how much he loved her and they showered together like they usually did. It was comforting and the little things were giving him hope. Iris would never admit it to him, not right now anyway, that she was worried that Colton would leave her. Before this all happened he had told her that he really wanted children at some point. Over time he had changed a little, he really wanted children but he wanted them with Iris. She forgot that sometimes.
It was a long day for both of them, neither really had their minds on their jobs and they both wanted to get home and put this whole horrible thing behind them. Colton was cooking dinner when Iris came in. "Smells good?" She stood on tiptoes and gave him a kiss and leant on him for a moment.
"How was your day?"
"Okay. Busy, which was good I think."
Iris decided to have a shower while Colton finished serving up dinner and when she came out she placed a box on the bench in front of him. "Yeah?" he raised one eyebrow in her direction when he saw the box of condoms.
"Thank you for doing this for me."
Colton reached for her hand and squeezed it. "For us Wombat. It's for us."
"You are sweet. I'm sorry about last night. I don't want you to think that it is you and that I don't love every single part of my life with you but it was just so overwhelming."
"You know what? I felt it too Iris." Colton handed her dinner. "I hated it too. How about we take it easy for a week or so. Let our bruised egos recover, find that thing we've got again?"
"Would you mind?"
"Yes, it will kill me, I love every single part of my life with you too but as long as you sleep next to me, shower with me, let me kiss you and talk to me then we can do it."
"I love you Colt, so much. You have been so incredible, every day."
"I have haven't I?"
Iris was surprised when she got a message at work a week later. "Be downstairs at four."
"What for?"
"Because I said so." Iris did as she was told and she was waiting downstairs when a black town car pulled up. The driver jumped out and opened the door for her. Waiting on the seat inside was a jewellery bag, Iris chuckled to herself. It was just like Colton, he was always surprising her. Inside the bag was the key to a hotel room.
Lying on the bed in the hotel room was his favourite dress. He loved Iris in the long blue sheath, she had first worn it at the first ball Colton had accompanied her too. The message on the dress was simple. 'Adore you in blue. See you at 6.'
Iris knew better than to contact him, he wouldn't answer so she took a bath and relaxed and by ten to six she was dressed, holding her shoes in her hands knowing how much he loved her dressed up but in bare feet. It was a thing with him for some reason and Iris didn't question it.
Exactly at six he let himself in and Iris was standing by the window looking out over the Chicago skyline. "Hi." Iris glanced over her shoulder.
"You look beautiful."
"You love this dress."
"I do." Coming to stand behind Iris he ran a hand down her bare back. Bending down he kissed her shoulder and Iris leant back against his body. "I've been waiting all day for this."
"You never disappoint." They were interrupted by a knock on the door. Room service bought in some champagne and a fruit and cheese platter. He poured her a drink and they sat by the window, looking out over city below. "I know you have plans, when do I find out?"
"All in good time." Colton reached into his pocket. "The bag on the back seat was empty, yeah?"
"Well except the key to this place. This room is amazing, thank you."
"Hmmm, I thought we deserved something special, something to remember this moment."
"I remember a lot of moments with you."
"Good to know." He opened his hand and lying in his palm was an exquisite sapphire and diamond ring. "For you…" Iris gasped and then reached for it and he closed his hand quickly. "…say yes first."
"Yes."
"Yeah? You don't know what you are saying yes too yet?"
"I trust you."
"Hmm… then you will marry me?"
"Yes."
He slipped the ring on her finger. "Iris, I adore you, you make me feel like I can do anything, be anyone and I always know that when I get home at the end of the day, good, bad or ugly that you will be there for me. You believe in me and I love the way you trust me with you, with your heart, your heartache and your fears. I don't know what tomorrow brings, or next week or next year but I want to find out, with you."
"I have everything I need right now with you…" she kissed him softly. "…anything else is a bonus."
Iris was more than happy to stay in their room, Colton had organised room service dinner, candles, more champagne and he asked her about her dream wedding.
"What do you want?"
"For you to marry me, I don't care how that happens or where."
"It's your day too."
"It is and my dream is you, I want to know what you want. What you dreamed of as a little girl?"
"My Mom and Dad with me."
It always hurt when Iris talked about her parents not being around, especially at moments like this and there was nothing anyone could do about it. "So the Zoo?" It was the closest she'd ever get.
"The Zoo." She nodded. "Do you mind?"
"No, I had a feeling that's where it would be."
Iris played with his fingers. "And another thing?" she waited until he nodded. "I don't want to wait too long."
"How long is too long?"
"A month."
"Wow."
"Too soon?"
"Nope, sooner the better." He smiled. "Wanna dance? I want to dance with you."
"Sure. I didn't get all frocked up for nothing." So they danced, slow and close. Iris melted into his arms, absorbed his warmth, enjoyed the safety he always provided. That moment they had two weeks ago just faded away, it would need to. They hadn't cracked the seal on the box of condoms yet. It had been a barren few weeks but they stayed close, they'd slept wrapped around each other but Iris shied away from any advance that Colton made.
Tonight was a different story though and Iris put her hand on his arm when he went to grab a condom. "No. Not tonight."
"Bug?"
"Tonight's not about that, it's just about us." He made it just about them, he was sweet, slow and passionate. Iris made sure he knew how much she was appreciating him. The whole evening had been perfect, they drank champagne, danced, ate, loved and laughed. Colton caught her a few times just staring at her ring. "Do you like it?"
"Oh my god Colton I love it, it's perfect."
"Good. It looks beautiful on you. You look happy."
"I am so happy Colt."
They sent one photo the next morning, they knew as soon as they did that they wouldn't be left alone so decided to just enjoy the moment and celebrate quietly with each other the night before. Colton had taken the photo earlier but they waited until after breakfast to send it.
It was a photo of Iris lying in bed, smiling at him and in the foreground she was holding his hand and the ring was obvious. 'Yes' the caption was short and sweet but they would all get it.
"Who first?" Colton and Iris tried to make a bet on who would call first. The narrowed it down to Lola and Mae but Alfie beat them all.
"Wombat? What's going on?" Alfie was at work but had just picked up his phone when the message came through.
"Colton decided he's ready to become a fully-fledged card carrying member of the Circus."
"About fucking time. Congratulations Bug. I'm so happy for you." She could hear her phone beeping as she spoke to Alfie, and then Colt's phone started when they didn't get through.
"I know you are. Thanks Alfie."
"So when's the big day?"
"Don't know, haven't talked to Mae yet. I am sure she's got it half way planned already."
"Here, at the zoo?"
"Where else?"
She talked to Lola and Mae as well as Rhiannon while Colton just put his feet up and listened and watched. He loved how happy she looked. It was mesmerizing and some days he still pinched himself that Iris was in his world.
They would all be catching up tomorrow night for dinner anyway. Colton had booked this place for two nights so they had all day to hang out, he'd organised for them to have a massage and they would head out tonight for dinner to continue the celebration. "Are you going to tell your Mom?"
"Not today."
"Why not?"
"Because I want to enjoy the moment. I want to bask in the glow, in your glow."
"She might be happy?" Iris knew that it would be unlikely.
"Iris, Iris, Iris" Colton shook his head. "I love you but that's just nonsense talk." He kissed the top of her head. "I will tell her eventually."
"Not the day you hand her the invite."
"Who says I am inviting her? She has always told me that weddings are not happy occasions so she might not bother coming."
"You are her only son, she'll be there. I mean who else will be there to object?" They had got over his mother's issue with Iris a long time ago. It hurt for a while but Iris continued to brush it off. Colton would take it to heart a little more but Iris was much calmer about it.
If he had to choose between Iris and his mother, he'd chose Iris every day of the week. Iris wouldn't let him off the hook though. As hard as it was some days, she was his mother and that had to mean something.
"Anyway, can we not talk about that right now. Can we talk about the fact I think you need a shower?"
"Really?" Iris just sighed. "And what will you do while I am in the shower."
"Stick my dick in you."
"Oh wow." She grimaced. "So romantic."
"Fuck you against the wall?"
"Hmmm." She closed her eyes and hummed.
"Park my one eyed bus in your black walled tunnel?"
"Oh Colton."
"Bump uglies?"
"Surprisingly I am actually getting a little turned on."
He jumped up and clapped. "Well thank fuck for that, I was running out of things to say to woo you."
