Chapter 19
''I remember.''
Clary paused from getting her bag. She walked carefully up the hallway, stopping to peer into the kitchen.
Her mother was there, and standing in front of her was a boy. He looked like an angel. White hair and black eyes that shone with pleading. ''Please,'' Clary head him say. ''He- he wants me to do things. I don't want to do them. I'm scared. I have nowhere to go. Please- please help me.''
Jocelyn just stared at the boy. There was a look of utter incomprehension on her face, combined with a similar look she had had when Clary had broken her arm last year. Terrified, her mother was terrified. ''No.''
The boy opened his mouth to respond, but Jocelyn was shaking her head. ''Don't you see?'' she hissed in a tone Clary had never heard before. ''You are standing here, talking about how you don't want to do the things, not how you think the things are wrong.'' Her voice cracked. ''I can't help you. I can't.''
''Please,'' the boy pleaded again. ''If he finds me-''
''If he finds you?'' Jocelyn's voice had taken an incredulous tone. ''Did you ever think about what happens if he finds me? Or my daughter?'' The hair on Clary's neck stood up. ''I am raising her far away from this. Far away from it all. She is naive to the dangers of the world and I will do whatever it takes to keep her that way.'' There was a pause as Jocelyn caught her breath. ''You can't be saved, Jonathan. Not by me. And certainly not at the expense of Clary.''
Clary watched as the boy, Jonathan, trembled. ''I'm your son,'' he said weakly.
Clary heard the tears in her mother's voice. ''You don't even understand what that means,'' she said. ''There was a time you could have been different, Jonathan. It's my fault that, but now it's to late for you. You are not my son. You are a monster. And I will not let a monster hurt my daughter.''
It was Jonathan's turn to look terrified. But his fear was quickly replaced by an ugly sneer. He made a sweeping motion with his hand and Jocelyn fell to the floor. ''Mom!''
Clary abandoned her hiding spot and ran to her mother. She laid as if asleep. ''What did you do?'' Clary demanded, turning on the boy.
He looked at her with shock. He had been shaking with fear before. Now he stood stock still, his eyes glassy but dry. ''I removed her memory of this conversation,'' the boy confessed.
As they stared at each other, the words Jocelyn had been saying clicked into place for Clary. Understanding dawned on her, and the boy had a similar realization. ''Y-your my sibling…?''
In the following weeks, Clary lived in fear that Jonathan's spell hadn't worked and Jocelyn knew that Clary had overheard the fight in the kitchen. Time proved this not so. Secretly, she and Jonathan would meet up, sometimes for only minutes at a time. He told her of the Shadow world, of the monsters that lurked around and helped her discover why she hadn't seen these things before.
''She shouldn't have lied to me,'' Clary said angrily upon realizing her Sight was being blocked.
Jonathan shrugged. ''She thought it was safer.''
''Safer how?''
Jonathan seemed reluctant to discuss the subject. He said it was because he didn't understand. ''Understand what?''
''I don't know. Protection, I guess.''
''Jonathan, why did mom not want you?''
Jonathan never wanted to tell her the answer, often closing the conversation by disappearing. But one day, after much badgering, he finally gave in. ''It's because I have demon blood.''
''What does that matter?''
''That's what I thought. But since meeting you, I see now.'' He looked at her curiously. Jonathan's expressions were funny, Clary thought. They were either to subtle or to intense. Now was the latter. ''You're everything human, Clary. You are everything I will never be.''
''Don't say that!''
Jonathan shrugged. ''It's true. I can almost understand why Jocelyn was so adamant about you not meeting me.'' That was another thing about Jonathan, his use of the word 'understand'. He didn't understand things Clary had never considered needing to struggle to comprehend. Such as emotions.
''I'm glad I met you.''
They continued like this for years, Jonathan visiting whenever Clary had chunks of time she didn't have to account for. Jonathan showed her the stele, and together they realized her power of runes. ''Maybe I can use this to find a way to undo the Sight Blocking next time!'' Clary exclaimed in excitement. She frowned. ''You don't think the warlock will be able to tell?''
''How could he?'' Jonathan studied the drawing she just did. ''This rune doesn't exist. You created it. Besides, he's blocking your Sight, not rooting around in your memories and deleting them individually.'' He handed the paper back to her. ''What do you want to call it?''
''If it works,'' said Clary, folding it carefully into a square. ''I'll call it Remembrance.''
Clary rocked back on her heels as her mind spun. Memories. Moments she had forgotten about.
Trembling, she forced herself to look at Jonathan. If there had been any trace of color on his face before, it was gone now. He was shaking too, and curled in on himself in a combination of pain and fear. He was staring at her, his green eyes matching her own.
He looked like he wanted to speak but Clary shook her head. ''No,'' she shouted, trying unsuccessfully to hold back tears. ''This- this doesn't change anything. The things you did-''
''I know.'' His voiced sounded hollow. ''I'm sorry. I am so sorry.''
His words were the same as when he had died. There wasn't much difference between then and now. Except of course, Jonathan had been dying then. And now, though he looked it, Jonathan wasn't dead. He was alive.
'Maybe there was another world. A world where I was a good brother.'
Clary's breath hitched at the memory. She stared at Jonathan across from her. There was. You were. She inhaled deeply. ''J-Jonathan…''
He looked at her, his eyes wide in fear and sadness. ''No, no don't,'' he protested as she wrapped her arms around him..
''I'm sorry,'' she sobbed. She held him close, her hands trembling as she gripped him. Her body wanted to be afraid, wanting to run away from this person who had hurt her and her family. But she knew it was irrational. That had been Sebastian, a demon. The person she was hugging was the boy who had begged for help in the kitchen, who taught her how to use her power to protect herself and had come to her aid every time regardless. He was the boy who respected her torn indecision of Mundane and Shdowhunter worlds, and who never, ever hurt her. He was her brother. And for the first time in four years, she had him back.
Jonathan stiffened in her arms. ''No,'' he said again, shaking his head. ''I-''
He couldn't go on. He buried his face in her shoulder and cried. Clary felt his trembling hands rise, hesitantly resting on her arms. He was afraid to touch her. Afraid to embrace the sister he had hurt.
Clary pulled away from him and clasped his hands, holding them in her own. Jonathan couldn't meet her gaze and kept his eyes shut, tears running down his cheeks. Though her vision was blurry from her own tears, Clary felt as though for the first time she saw him clearly, as he was supposed to be. Jonathan Morgenstern, her brother. And for the first time in a long time her mind was at ease. No longer was there any doubt or any piece missing. She had all she needed.
