First off, I just want to say thank you to everyone for waiting patiently and leaving such lovely words of kindness in my absence. It's been busy lately because I've got a part-time job that's physically taxing and an online class that's mentally draining, and between the two I just haven't been able to write. (Also, I had baby goats, and while they're freakin' adorbs, they a lotta work when you're having to bottle fed them whiny kids.) A nonnie, I adore you and your reviews ^.^ Also, RosaLove, never change! (I'm sorry I haven't replied. I'm a bad llama...I still reread your reviews at least a dozen times over, though!)
I apologize for how long it's taken me to get this chapter out, and far longer than it should have. I'm sad about that because I had something I wanted to do in the future and now I'm not sure I'll be able to get it out in time, but who knows, I might be able to pull it off! We'll see.
Anyhoo, tl;dr: apologies for the long wait, here's your chapter, enjoy swoony Spaniards!
It was very late when I left my cabin. I wanted to keep my usual nighttime walking, but I also didn't want to run into any of the crew from the Sea Horse and cause unnecessary issues.
The deck seemed pretty empty when I peeked out, so I ventured out further, glancing up at the wheel to see Officer Cortez was on duty tonight. He gave me a terse nod but let me pass unhindered.
The sails had been furled, so the only sound in the darkness was the gentle creaking of wood and the lapping of waves against the Mary's sides.
I waved in greeting at Cortez, who nodded back, then strolled down the walkway that lined the railing. Even after almost nightly forays, I still couldn't get over how utterly massive the Mary was. Sure, I'd seen bigger ships, but there was something to her presence that seemed to put those modern creations to shame.
And soon, I would no longer have even the freedom to do this much. What a wonderful realization to cap the end of my day.
Sorrow rose in bitter waves, triggering a soft tune.
"The world was on fire, and no one could save me but you…"
For just a little while, I'd been hopeful. I'd let myself dream.
"It's strange what desire will make foolish people do…"
But now…now I was back to facing reality in a world I didn't understand. A world that was unkind to those that didn't fit.
"I'd never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you."
I would make it through, and maybe one day find answers. And if I didn't make it through….well, there was always an escape somehow.
"And I'd never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you."
It was almost cruelly unfair, though, to not even be able to dream. To hope.
"No, I don't wanna fall in love…with you."
I sighed heavily, leaning against the rail as I stared out at the dark sea, moonlight shimmering upon the gentle waves. Despite the ache throbbing in my heart, I could almost be content. My mind had finally drifted into a quiet numbness of gray, thoughts drifting noiselessly in the background.
Tingles shivered over the back of my neck, but I ignored them. I'd thought I only felt them when Salazar was nearby, but they'd come to life a few times when he wasn't around. Just another trick of my stupidly hopeful mind.
Besides, if anyone else was out here, I would have heard them. It's not like boots on wood is very stealthy-
A heavy weight suddenly covered my shoulders, making me jolt upright with a wheezed curse. I whirled around to see a familiar, lithe form walking past me, towering over me where I sat on the deck, pivoting to follow his movements.
We were both silent as Salazar stood next to the rail, his gaze following the same direction mine had moments before.
The overly large coat warmed my skin, making me shiver at the sudden heat as I pulled it tighter, struggling to get the sudden increase of my heart rate under control. I was pretty sure that no matter what I was feeling, I would always accept Salazar's coat if he offered it. Or what he was usually inclined to do, simply drape it over my shoulders and pretend he knew nothing about it.
The gesture made me smile crookedly as I buried my nose in the thick fabric, closing my eyes as I inhaled his scent, my heartbeat already calming just from this alone.
He's really here…it's not just my imagination.
Sudden movement made me look up to see Salazar turning to stand tall in front me, looking down at me with a mixed expression of remorse and something else I couldn't discern. His jaw rippled before he said quietly, "I would like to accept your apology and…extend my own."
And with that, reality crashed back in.
I rested my head against one of the beams of the railing, tired and worn from my ugly day, but still unable to resist staring at him with simple appreciation. How was it humanly possible for one man to be so goddamn handsome? "Apology accepted, Capitán."
He winced, then smoothed a hand over his hair, looking distinctly uncomfortable. Abruptly, he turned to face the fading horizon again, his hands clasped behind his back. "You deserve more of an apology than that."
Dejectedly, I shook my head, even though he couldn't see. "No, I don't. I shot first, and I understand you were only responding accordingly…"
For a moment, neither of us made a sound. Then I saw Salazar's hands tighten.
"How can you be so understanding?"
I tilted my head, confused as to what he was asking.
He suddenly whirled, pinning me with a fierce look. "How are you so understanding, that you can sweep aside hurtful words with a mere explanation? That you can come from the life that you've lived for years, to something that couldn't even measure halfway? To live in a time and accept things that are as unjust and unfair to you as they are, and not go mad?"
I smiled ruefully, wishing for nothing more than to be able to get to my feet and hug him comfortingly. How had that come about? I thought I was the one who needed comfort. "Because what choice do I have? It's your world, and now it's mine as well."
Salazar paused, then stepped closer. "Is this why you so easily accepted to wear the dress?"
I stared at him for a long second before asking carefully, "Why are you here?"
We gazed at each other for a spell, letting the silence fill the space between us. He had turned to angle himself more towards the railing, so that I could see his thumb rubbing against his wrist where they were clasped behind his back. I wondered if it was a nervous gesture, or just an idling mannerism.
Unable to take the silence anymore, I lifted my face to peer up at the sky, at the faint flicker of stars. "I've been thinking…about when the Mary docks tomorrow. About what happens after."
Salazar didn't say anything, but I knew he was listening.
I kept my gaze on the stars. "I would like to ask Lady Delagio to help me learn how to be proper. And if your offer still holds, I would like to learn from your friend in Spain as well."
Waves lapped gently against the Mary's sides, the faint cry of gulls flavoring the sounds as they glided far above.
Finally, he inhaled deeply and said, "You have been thinking of much."
I huffed a humorless snort. "You could say that."
Again, I was the one to break the ensuing silence. It seemed that Salazar hadn't come out here to talk. What he needed to do was go away. His presence was very disruptive to my current peace of mind. "I'll learn how to be a lady, learn how to fit in, then I'll learn how to make myself useful."
Even still gazing at the stars, I didn't miss the twitch that followed my words.
I hadn't said it be hurtful, to make a dig about his accusations, but rather to try and ease his worries that I knew still plagued him. I frowned. "That's not…I didn't say that to make it worse-"
"Por favor then, explain," he bit out, whirling to pin me with hard, glittering eyes. "Explain how that comment was supposed to make this better."
"I'm trying, you lump, if you'd just shut up and let me finish!" I snapped, growing annoyed as well. I was getting tired of his tetchiness, and I was already worn thin from emotional drain.
Salazar's teeth clicked as he closed his mouth, waiting impatiently.
Inhaling sharply, I marshaled my thoughts together and dropped my gaze, fingers tweaking at the cuff of his coat sleeve.
"I'm trying to make it easier for you. I know that…despite everything, you're still taking care of me, and I'm doing my best to make it less of a bother. I know there's a lot on your plate right now, more so than usual, and I want to do what I can to ease your burden. If that means ad-admitting that you're – right, then…then that's what needs to happen." My throat convulsed as I choked out my explanation. Pain flared along my left forearm, and rubbing it through the thick material didn't help any. I pushed up the sleeve and rubbed the heel of my other hand against the cramp, trying to ease the ache as I searched for more words.
"I have…"
The soft murmur made me look up to see Salazar staring at my arm where I was rubbing it. I wondered if he recognized the symptoms of my anxiety or if he was just using the motion as a focus.
"I have long since learned that I cannot be seen as weak. No matter my position, I cannot be weak. Not with my responsibilities, and not simply to myself but to others as well. Because of this, I have…learned to lash out, sometimes too - cruelly."
I hadn't thought it possible, but it was even more painful to listen to this proud man stumble through his apology.
Clambering to my feet, careful of my thigh and keeping a tight hold of his coat, I walked over to him. "Salazar-"
"Por favor, let me finish-" he rasped, only to fall silent when I reached out and laid my hand on his arm, giving him an earnest look.
"Armando."
Gently, I pressed my forehead against his upper arm, gradually leaning my weight into him. "It's okay."
He laughed bitterly, a sound that tugged on my heart. "Is it? Is it truly? I told you before to never lie to me, Isabeau."
I didn't answer. What could I say?
My arms slid around his waist and I moved to the side, pressing my face into that broad back between his shoulder blades as I hugged him from behind, trying to make it at least a little better if I could.
I held on as a deep sigh blew through his lean frame, and clasped my hands together over his stomach, feeling the firmness of muscle underneath his waistcoat.
His buttons were digging into my wrists and I shifted my hands slightly to alleviate the pinch. "You said it yourself, Armando. I need to learn how to be useful, and less conspicuous, and I can't stay here, aboard the Mary."
More of his previous words flickered in my brain and I loosened my grip from around his waist. "I shouldn't – shouldn't even…"
Armando made a choked noise as I pulled away and suddenly a strong hand clamped over one of my wrists, yanking me around until I was in front of him.
I had only a second to regain my balance, opening my mouth to blurt out my confusion, before I was smothered in a hug that was so tight I squeaked in protest.
Armando didn't loosen his grip, simply nuzzled into my hair with a soft exhale, muscles rippling as he pulled me even tighter.
My arms had been caught against his stomach in my surprise. I managed to wiggle them free from the awkward position and slid them around his waist, stretching them up his back along his spine, feeling tension draining from the thick muscles under my hands.
I could barely breathe. My face was tucked against his shoulder and he was bent so that I was enveloped in his embrace. I couldn't move. All I could do was breathe in his spicy scent, feel surrounded by him. I knew from prior experience that I couldn't break free until he was ready to let go, and judging from the slowly relaxing spine under my hands, that was gonna be a while.
I blew out a short huff but didn't object. I'd wanted to comfort him, and if this was what he needed, so be it.
But I refused to take comfort from his embrace in return.
He couldn't keep doing this to me, holding me in his arms one second, then cutting me with cruel words the next. Yes, that clash had been my instigation, I admitted it, if with painful reluctance, but he certainly hadn't made things easy either.
And I couldn't keep doing this until I'd dealt with my thoughts, and Armando had dealt with his business with Lady Delagio. Because I wasn't stupid enough to believe for a second that there was nothing there.
At that cruel reminder to myself, I'd had enough. "Armando, let go. Please."
For a long second, he didn't react. I knew he'd heard me. My face was pressed into his neck from the angle he was squeezing me, but he didn't so much as twitch.
Thinking he might try to pretend I hadn't said anything, I repeated more firmly, "Armando. Please let go."
A shuddering breath rattled the masculine frame plastered against me and that deep baritone rumbled, "No voy a dejar ir." (I'm not letting go)
That had definitely not been a tone of acquiescence. "Armando…"
"Por favor, Isabeau. Por favor." He nuzzled further into my neck with a deep sigh, tension draining from his shoulders.
My neck began to crick and I rolled my eyes in annoyance before adjusting my head, hoping to relieve the pressure. "We can't stay like this. You have to let go eventually."
We both knew I meant my words in more ways than one. Neither of us could go on like this, and he would have to let me go in order to return to his campaign.
The Armando Salazar I'd known from a few weeks ago would have slowly stepped back from the hug at this point. Reluctantly, perhaps, but he would have realized that it was what needed to happen.
The current Armando, however, gave a mulish grunt and stepped backwards, dragging me along with him. I tried to draw back in protest, but he simply ignored my efforts and sat down on a crate half-hidden in the shadows.
To my surprise, he pulled me downwards at an angle, catching me off guard with the unexpected movement, and tumbled me into his lap across muscular thighs.
"What-" I broke off when he wrapped his arms around me again, completely enveloping me as he rested his temple on my collarbone, tucking his face into my neck.
"Por favor, give me this moment. That is all I ask. Just this moment."
How could I resist that whispered request? I couldn't, that's how.
Giving in to the screaming urges in my chest, I slid my outside arm around his neck and ran soft fingers over his hair with the other, careful not to dislodge his queue. "This is not what you're supposed to be doing, Armando."
A huffed snort tickling across my chest was my only answer.
I sighed and shook my head with a soft smile, leaning to rest my cheek on his head as I continued to pet him. It was a very intimate position, sitting in Armando's lap and stroking his hair. It took everything I had not to pull out the ribbon keeping it in its neat bun and rake my fingers through his silky hair.
As if he'd read my mind, he let go with one hand to reach up and yank the ribbon out of his hair with a quick jerk, sending soft waves flowing over his shoulders before resuming his tight hold.
His permission given, I carded my fingers through the mahogany mane, humming quietly as I stroked.
Slowly, so slowly I didn't even notice it at first, Armando began to loosen his grip, then slid one hand to my waist. When he began to idly stroke my side with one thumb, I twitched and flexed away from his hand, into his chest.
"Ticklish?" he whispered, then added more pressure to his strokes.
There were so many things that I could say, that I needed to say, to interrupt this. It wasn't fair to either of us to keep doing whatever it was we were doing, but I just couldn't. I couldn't do that to Armando, to kick him while he was vulnerable.
And he was vulnerable. I could feel it in the relaxed muscles under my palm, the soft puffs of breath against my skin, the gentle strokes of his thumb.
It would have been just as cutting as what I'd said to him about being no better than a pirate.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to refuse him what little comfort he afforded himself, but I didn't want to encourage him into anything that neither one of us were healed enough for.
"You are overthinking." There was a faint smile in his voice as he rubbed his other thumb over my ribs.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. My thoughts were so loud he could probably hear them spinning in circles. "Yeah…yeah, I'm overthinking."
Silence filled the night. There was a tightness to it, preventing a comfortable atmosphere, but it was fairly mild for the situation.
Finally, Armando murmured, "I can feel your tension." As if to try and ease it, he smoothed his palm down my side to rest it over my hip.
I wasn't ready to deal that level of confrontation yet. And we both had a lot of things we were still dancing around before I could let myself relax again. Technically speaking, I shouldn't have even been in his embrace. "You need to let me up."
"No. Stay. Stay and watch the sunrise with me."
Sunrise? I lifted my head and sure enough, the sky was lightening to a soft purple.
Oh. No wonder my eyes were burning like I'd doused them with bleach.
Wait a minute.
I leaned back slightly, grasping both sides of Armando's face and forcing him to lift his head.
He did so reluctantly, chocolate gaze meeting mine. I scanned over his appearance and saw that several long, sleepless nights had put a visible strain on his face. The shadows under his eyes seemed entirely too familiar, exhaustion lining his features.
He looked as worn as I was. Was he suffering as well? Not from the same reasons…
Wincing sympathetically, I stroked my fingers over his sideburns. "You look how I feel, big guy."
He scoffed and closed his eyes, muttering something in Spanish under his breath as he leaned into my hands.
Exasperated, I rolled my eyes, then slid my arms around his neck, hugging him again, not holding back this time.
There was only the briefest pause before Armando wrapped his arms around me tight, pressing me to him as close as he could.
We stayed like that for a minute, each comforting the other, before he said quietly, "You can't keep my coat."
I laughed at the unexpected remark. "No, you gave it to me, it's mine now. That's how this works."
In response, he narrowed his eyes just before he slipped his hands free and snaked them under his coat, tickling lithe fingers over my ribs.
I squeaked and giggled, trying to squirm away. "No! No, you can't have it back. Mine!"
Armando growled playfully, and moved to slide the coat off my shoulders. I growled back and twisted to straddle his thighs, yanking the coat closed over my chest as I mock-glared at him. "Mine. Paws off."
Expression considerably lighter than before, he hummed thoughtfully for a moment, then offered, "My coat for another hug."
I tossed my head indignantly. "That unfairly benefits you. What do I get out of it?"
The wide smile that tilted his mouth crookedly would have made me have to sit down if I wasn't already straddling his lap. As it was, I felt a rush of heat clench between my legs and blushed in response.
His smile widened as he clasped my waist, his thumbs rubbing in languid circles into my hips. "What is it you think you want, señorita?"
The mood may have been playful, but his question was serious.
There were so many answers I could have given him, so many things I could ask for, but in the end, I simply smiled warmly and slid his coat off my shoulders, tucking it neatly in half as I set it in the little bit of space between us. "I have everything I want."
A half of a white lie, there were things I still wanted, but I had everything that I needed. And that was what was most important.
Armando's expression cleared and he stared at me for a long time, studying my face as his thumbs continued to rub circles in my skin.
My brain chose that moment to intrude, along with a good dose of common sense, and I cleared my throat with only faint awkwardness. "Anyway, I need at least some sleep, so I'll just-"
The problem, I quickly discovered, with sitting on a man's lap with his hands on your hips is that if he decided to prevent you from moving, it was all too easy for him to hold you in place.
Which is how I found myself scrunching my nose in halfhearted irritation when Armando stubbornly refused to let me move.
He tilted his head, his expression soft but guarded. "You won't stay? The sunrise, señorita. It is so rare that you see them."
There was an undercurrent to his words, a meaning I couldn't catch, but for whatever reason, he didn't want me to leave. And if I was being truthful…I didn't want to leave either.
"Fine. But I'm not sitting your lap. Let me up."
One corner of his mouth kicked up into a lopsided smile, and he loosened his grip so that I could slide off the muscular thighs that felt sinfully good between my legs.
"If you are certain, señorita," he purred, deliberately dropping his voice an octave.
I shot him a look, even as I shivered at the sound of that delicious baritone. "Behave. Or I'll leave."
He subsided, but not before making sure that the only place I could sit was pressed right up against him. He waited until I was comfortable, then draped his coat back over my shoulders before tucking me into his side.
I shook my head slightly, unable to resist both his playfulness and my own urges screaming at me to take advantage of whatever I could. But it felt nice, wearing his coat, absorbing his warmth and the feel of his solid body pressed against my left side. His arm was braced behind me, his hand at propping his weight at my right hip, making it feel as if he was wrapped around me without actually holding me.
It felt very nice, a moment I could fall in love with.
A moment to just relax and enjoy, and not think about the difficulties that would come afterwards.
The sky slowly brightened, shade by shade. It was beautiful, the Mary's sails cast in shadows by the light, making it a dark backdrop to the beautiful colors.
The only thing I heard was the soft hush of waves, the quiet flapping of sails, and the faint chatter of crew that were starting to rise. I couldn't even hear the breathing of the man sitting next to me, he was so quiet.
In the silence, I began to wonder.
What must it be like, to be unable to relax, to hide away from the world, to not be able to say fuck it and sleep in for once? To be constantly the pillar of strength for hundreds of people, to have all the answers, to always uphold an image, to never be truly yourself?
But maybe that's who Armando was, at his core. I'd seen how driven he was, how focused and determined, how formidable his personality could be. Truthfully, I didn't know if anyone else could come close to have achieved as much as he had, but what was he like in the quieter moments, when he let all that rigidity fall away?
I'd caught glimpses of it, and it unfairly made me hunger for more, even as I knew I shouldn't, that I couldn't.
It was enough to make me cry, again, at how cruel the universe could be. I would move onwards, I knew this, but I had taken blow after blow in my former life, then the most staggering one of all when I'd been displaced from my home, only to have my knees swept out from underneath me yet again, time after time.
Something soft brushed over my forehead in a warm caress and I lifted my head, blinking blearily as I slowly realized I'd leaned to rest my head on Armando's shoulder, well on my way to falling asleep.
"Come, Isabeau. I will escort you to your cabin," his deep voice murmured even as his arm slowly slid around my waist to nudge me upright.
I yawned, groaning in protest and burying my face in his shoulder. I didn't want to leave, wanted to just stay here forever.
Stay here with him forever.
Strong arms folded around me, holding me close as he pressed his face into my hair. "I know, but we both must return. Come."
Grudgingly, I slid out of his arms and pushed myself to my feet with a sigh, pulling his coat tightly around me.
Armando stood as well, towering over me by more than a head taller once he'd fully straightened, before holding out his arm for me to take.
Yawning again, the lack of sleep catching up fast, I wrapped both hands around his arm, hugging it to my chest as I let him lead me back to my cabin. Our pace was slow and meandering as he took me along the top walk of the Mary, his steady grip keeping me from tiredly weaving right over the edge and crashing to the deck below.
"Are you going to fall asleep with me as your pillow?"
The teasing amusement in his tone made my lips pull into a smile, but I didn't move from where I was leaning on his shoulder again or open my eyes. "Maybe. You're pretty comfortable, Capitán."
His chuckle felt like music to my ears. How had I thought I could ever live without that sound? "Your bed would be more comfortable, I think."
"You sure? Maybe I should compare," I said cheekily, grinning to myself as I added, "Not to mention I think your bed is more comfortable than both."
Armando gave a mock gasp of outrage, which made me giggle. "You would take my bed over me? I am wounded, señorita."
I pressed my face into his arm with a smile. "You're nothing of the sort."
He huffed, then slowed to a reluctant stop.
I opened my eyes, knowing we'd reached my cabin, and looked up at him, my eyes taking in his softened features, the lack of tension in his face. "Get at least some sleep, Armando? Please?"
His mouth tilted into a crooked smile, his eyes warming at the sound of his name. "Worried about me, hm?"
Something about the way his eyes glittered triggered the memory of the last time I'd worried about him…and what had happened as a result.
My face heated with embarrassment and I hurried to hide it by pulling off his coat to hand it back. "Thank you…again. For everything."
A large hand suddenly smoothed over my hair, making me freeze in surprise. I raised my head slightly to see him studying my new hairstyle thoughtfully, his fingers lightly raking through it before he lowered his hand. The touch left behind pleasant tingles on my scalp.
"It is not fashionable but it…suits you. Quite well."
Taken aback by the unexpected caress, it took me a second to unglue my tongue to respond. "Thank you."
We stood for a moment, simply looking at each other, neither of us wanting to leave and let things return to what they needed to be.
An urge began to build as I stared into deep chocolate eyes, strong and sudden, and for once, I decided to go with it without resistance.
Placing my hand on one broad shoulder, I leaned up on my tiptoes and laid a light kiss on his smooth cheek before settling back on my feet.
"Good night, Capitán," I said with a shy smile, biting my tongue at his surprised expression before whirling around and darting into the safety of my cabin before my courage faltered.
I leaned back against the door, feeling my lips curved into a stupidly idiotic smile at how much things had changed, once again. This time for the better.
Just before I pushed away from the solid wood, I heard the softest whisper from the other side.
"Sweet dreams, Isabeau."
The song she's singing is "Wicked Game" - Ursine Vulpine ft. Annaca. It is gorgeous. I highly recommend you check it out! Soon as I heard it, I knew instantly who it would apply to, especially in these latest chapters.
But finally, they are back on speaking terms. Whew. Sweet mercy, these two just need to get together and get it out of their system before someone spontaneously combusts. And don't worry. While we are indeed slowly but surely drawing closer to the end of this roller coaster, they will be together by the end of it. And by together, I mean... *wiggles eyebrows*
