Upon waking up, his soul was calm from being unconscious. His dreams were about nothing; a wonderful, rare respite.
But then he opened his eyes, and he remembered everything. Like that, the calmness was blanketed with dread, and it filled his chest to the brim. Barnacles put his face against the pillow and shut his eyes tightly. He couldn't believe this was reality, that he still had to deal with this.
But at least that laughter-thing seemed to have disappeared, and he was a bit more present than yesterday. And so with the help and encouragement of Kwazii, who was at the bed next to him, he was able to get up.
Today was the meeting. Barnacles first had to fill out a questionnaire about how he was feeling, how his sleep was, if he had thoughts of suicide, etc.
What should I do? he thought, staring at the intimidating questions. Thankfully, the others had the decency to not look over his shoulder.
If he answered truthfully, he could get into even more trouble. He would disappoint the others even more, or worse, get kicked out of the Octonauts. If he lied too much, though, they would see right through it.
He didn't want to lie, though. That's not what a Captain does.
But then, he wasn't a true Captain anymore, was he?
Even though he felt guilty, he opted to lie. Whatever was obvious- like "Do you hurt yourself?"- he would answer truthfully. He only answered what the other Octonauts knew. He lied about how little he ate. He lied about wanting to commit suicide. He lied about being angry. He lied about his sleeping habits. He lied, and he felt dirty. But it won't matter, he told himself. It would all go away soon.
A while later, he was in front of a laptop in the Medical Bay. Peso did not want him to leave the room. Barnacles asked for privacy while he talked to Dr. Galen, and thankfully, it was granted.
"I'll be right outside this door," Kwazii said right when the doors closed, probably trying to be reassuring, but that just lowered his spirits. The video call would happen any minute. Barnacles looked around, finally alone.
He stood up; stretched his legs. He had to think fast. Kwazii was outside. There were no other exits. Maybe he should go through the vent? His eyes landed on the water tank, meant to hold Peso's large patients.
That was his escape.
If he tied something heavy enough to himself, he would sink and drown. Hopefully they won't find him immediately.
He was looking for heavy items when the laptop started ringing. He whipped his head at the screen and stared at it, a box in his paws.
What should he do? If he didn't answer, Dr. Galen would be concerned and contact Peso somehow. No, he couldn't blow his cover.
Putting down the box gently, he sat back down and answered.
"Hello?" Barnacles said. He put his paw away from the screen as he saw the penguin's face.
"Good morning," the doctor replied. "I'm Doctor Galen. Are you Captain Barnacles?"
"Yes," the polar bear replied. "But please, Barnacles is fine."
"Alright then," Galen replied. Barnacles had some bandages around his head. The polar bear seemed a bit tense, nervous. All understandable, though.
"Peso... Peso probably told you everything that happened." Barnacles didn't look directly at him, and he tugged at his sleeve.
"He told me everything that he saw," Galen replied. He leaned a bit closer to the computer. He wanted to steeple his flippers together, but he wasn't sure if that would accidentally intimidate the Octonaut. "But I would very much like to hear everything directly from you, from your perspective."
"I was... I was just having a bad day. I needed to think." Barnacles said. "It won't happen again."
He thought of the tank on the other side of the room.
He would make sure of it.
"Is that so?" the penguin asked. Galen took out a small packet of paper that he printed half an hour ago.
"I see you haven't been honest with the questionnaire, Barnacles," Dr. Galen said.
Barnacles' blood turned cold. "What do you mean?" he asked serenely.
"In the questions, it said that you have not changed your eating habits," Dr, Galen said, ruffling through the papers. But then he looked up right at him. "However, according to the Vegimal, Tunip, you have been eating less in the past few months."
Barnacles could not keep a straight face. Dr. Galen could see it; the fear in his eyes.
"Also, according to Shellington, he noted that you were most likely not sleeping well, because he believes he heard you in the hallways late at night. Also, Codish mentioned that you were so angry once that you wrecked your own accordion. Now, I don't know about you, but that is the opposite of not being angry all the time."
"You- You talked to everyone?"
Barnacles was floored at how much they were noticing. Did they know all along? Did they know he was hurting himself?
Why didn't they say anything?!
"Yes. This usually does not happen with the intake process. In fact, it is usually very private. But with the incident of running away yesterday, everyone basically begged me to hear them. They all know that something is going on."
Barnacles stayed silent.
"Now, in light of all this, I do not truly know where you are on certain issues," Dr, Galen said. He did a nonchalant shrug. Barnacles could tell it was coordinated. "How can I know you are not suicidal right now? Many of the other points of the test are false; how can I know you are telling the truth in that area?"
Barnacles lowered his head. This is what you get for lying, stupid, he thought. But what was he supposed to do? He would've gotten in trouble.
But, he started to realize, if they didn't trust him anymore, his only chance of talking his way out of this was void. He had just dug his own grave.
"Tell me the truth, Barnacles," Dr. Galen said gently. He leaned forward on the desk across the screen. "Tell me what's been going on."
Barnacles shifted uncomfortably, feeling the pressure. What if he shared everything? The others might already know, anyway. Could... Could the doctor actually help him? Could he ever get better?
No, death was the only way. It was too late for him.
But... he didn't want to die.
It seemed like a surprise, but he could feel it. His instinct, his desire for self preservation. His desire to live, to feel like he used to, confident and content and happy.
He looked up at Dr. Galen on the screen, considering.
He took a deep breath.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
"It... It started with a mission a few months ago," Barnacles said, looking down and nervously clutching the fabric of his pant legs. "We went to a cave, and I was attacked..."
