Kwazii wished he could make it all better, just take the pain away. He hated seeing the Captain like this, but he felt like if he said that, then Captain Barnacles would take it wrong, as if it was somehow the polar bear's fault.
Truthfully, Barnacles didn't know if it was his fault if he was like this. His mind screamed that it was. He knows the rules. You just have to think positively. If you don't then you fail and you're a bad person and everything that happens to you as a result is your fault.
So it is his fault. Barnacles hated it, but it was true. And that just made him want to scratch his arms, feel physical pain, because he needed to punish himself and make himself feel better. But then it was just a horrid cycle, wasn't it? Because if he hurt himself, that is also bad. Even if he feels better at the moment, he is still a bad person and still messed up. He just feels worse after the initial relief goes away.
Kwazii didn't know what Captain Barnacles thought. He was at a distance, only watching it all unfold. Observing his Captain (wait, Barnacles doesn't like it when he thinks about him like that). But that's fine, perfectly fine, because Kwazii sees him way more than a Captain. Barnacles is his friend, his family, one of the people that he chose over a life with his grandfather. He does not give that love lightly. But, for some reason, Barnacles just didn't see it. And it broke the young pirate's heart.
Peso also saw him unravel. He felt so much guilt. What if it's my fault? He thought. Did I do something that set it off? He knew it was triggered by the Bánaithe Serpent incident, but it seems like the seeds were planted way before. Captain Barnacles had these problems, simmering underneath, until they just snapped under the circumstances and slithered and overflowed to the top.
Shellington was the same way, and he accepted that now. He was never ok; he thought he was over what happened to him, but it was never fully resolved. He still hated himself with his entire being, only covering it with a bandaid through distraction, trying to use his hobbies to fill that need. He wasn't going to do that anymore. Because he hated living like this; he hated being so sad and frustrated all the time. To be honest, science experiments did not hold close to the appeal that they used to. It seemed like it became gray, that it was now something he had to do now. He could see his future of scientific endeavor stretched out before him, going into the horizon, never ending, and could only feel dread. What used to be exciting and full of purpose just became an object of fear and dread, and he didn't want to live.
Though he had to be clear with himself, with all that's been happening with the polar bear. The future seemed bleak, but he wasn't going to do anything drastic. Sure, his own bloodline would never continue, because his defect would harm the sea otter's species gene pool. On bad times, very stressful moments, he wouldn't lie to himself that it sounded appealing. But he never gone to the point of making an actual plan of suicide, how he would do it. So even when he told Dr. Galen about it (which was nerve wracking, and he was ashamed of it), the penguin told him to keep an eye on those thoughts, but it was not enough to be hospitalized. It was not as severe as what Captain Barnacles had. Not to say that they needed to compare the two situations, of course. But regardless, Shellington was bent on living, and most of the time, his emotions matched with his mind and will. He was going to survive. He was going to thrive.
He didn't know how he would react, or how he should react, if (when, he told himself) he would see Captain Barnacles. By what Kwazii said, the polar bear didn't want to see any of them. While some of the Octonauts were confused and frustrated, Shellington understood completely. His mind went to his laboratory, which was a sanctuary. Sometimes, the outside world is scary. Sometimes, you feel so many things, so many twisting thoughts and emotions, that you can't look your loved ones in the face. You're afraid they will hate you; you're afraid you'll hate them. That you'll lash out, or end up just running away, or that they will laugh at you or never forgive you.
Oh yes, he understood, so he was never one of the Octonauts who pushed Kwazii to talk to Captain Barnacles. He could tell that the cat was getting annoyed, but the new Captain was trying to be as patient as he could. Shellington was not envious of Kwazii's position in the slightest.
All Shellington could do, all any of them could do, is to help in any way they can.
