Starting Over is Hard to Do

Prompt for: Magenta: Mike had the worst day ever, everything is going wrong, so he thinks about suicide. On the day he's going to do it, he acts normal- calm and happy- not himself. Of course, Harvey notices this. I would prefer that you didn't kill Mike please!

Enjoy! Don't to forget to review at the end!

Mike thought the worst thing that could've happened to him was get fired from his investment banker job after three months. Three fucking months! He felt like a loser and he was pissed at Harvey for making him feel even more so, because the man offered to find him a job. On the outside, it would seem like a nice gesture, but Harvey was the one that cost him his job with Jonathan in the first place! He had lost him Gillis, forced his hand and then was backstabbed by Fortsman. Harvey acted as if none of that had ever happened. He wasn't sure if he wanted to speak to the guy again at that moment.

But no, that wasn't the worst thing…the worst thing was finding out that Rachel had cheated on him…with Logan Sanders of all people. He felt his heart break- no shatter - when the woman confessed to him. All he saw was red and the only person he could really take it out on was Logan. But whatever dignity he had left, which wasn't much because he already lost two of the most important things today, was destroyed when the man pretty much kicked his ass.

Part of him wanted to go to Harvey's, because he would know what he was going through, but he had cursed him out earlier for one and secondly, once he heard of this, he would never live it down. You're pathetic, Ross. Most of who you loved died to get away from you or never even loved you at all. So now he was walking down the streets in the rain, alone, cold and wondering if there was a point to this anymore. He couldn't start over; was there was point in living anymore? In the span of a day, he was jobless, sort of homeless, girlfriendless, and friendless. He had no family left to keep him here. When she was alive, his grandmother was the only thing keeping him around. He had dealt with depression ever since he lost his parents and at one point it had gotten so bad that his grandmother had to take him to a therapist. He had managed to keep a grip on it throughout the years and even when he got kicked out of college, he at least had Trevor and Jenny even though they didn't know about his problems. But now the urges were coming back, stronger than before and it started when his grandmother died. He spiraled hard and he had Harvey for a little while until the man fired him. Time passed when things began to get better…until now. Now he had nobody to keep him here, no reason to not let the depression swallow him whole. Mike shivered, wiping the tears and rain from his eyes before hugging himself tightly. He was going to do it this time…he was going to rid the burden he had on the world.

~+SUITS+~

Rachel was sobbing on Donna's couch after the woman had let her in a made her a cup of tea. The brunette was in hysterics because she had told Mike the truth, he ran out and now had no idea where he was. She was scared he was going to do something stupid.

"It's gonna be okay," Donna said. "He's at Harvey's."

"How do you know?" Rachel sniffed.

The woman smirked. "Where did you go?"

Despite telling Rachel that's where Mike definitely would've gone, she wasn't 100% confident so she was gonna have to call and make sure. Truth was, she was worried too. Mike lost his job and now this? Who would be okay after all of that? She squeezed Rachel's shoulder and plastered on a fake smile. "I'll be right back." The woman went into the kitchen and dialed Harvey's number.

"Harvey, is Mike with you?"

"Mike? What do you mean?"

Donna sighed and told him what happened, making sure Rachel didn't overhear. She peeked around the corner and saw that she was still crying, blowing her nose into a wad of tissues. Poor girl.

"Shit."

"So, I take it he's not with you."

"No. How long ago was this?"

"I don't know, maybe half an hour. I'm worried Harvey, Rachel thinks he's gonna do something and to be honest, I think he will too."

"It's gonna be fine. I'll go out and look for him. I'm sure he's just holed up in a bar somewhere."

Donna sighed. "I hope you're right. Call me if you have any luck."

"Yeah." Harvey hung up and pinched the bridge of his nose before grabbing his keys and leaving his condo. He really hoped Mike was in a bar getting plastered and not out in this storm. As he drove through town, he repeatedly called the blonde's phone, but each time there was no answer and he was beginning to get nervous. He checked a couple local bars Mike used to go to, he stopped by Jonathan's office and even the firm, but the kid was nowhere to be found.

Harvey sat in his unmoving car, trying to figure out what to do next before calling the man again to leave probably his tenth voicemail. "Mike," he cleared his throat and took a deep breath, trying to get rid of the knot in his throat. "Mike, please answer the phone. I know you're mad at me and I'm sorry but…I know what happened and I want to help. My door is open or even if you don't want to see or talk to me, just text me or something. I just need to know you're okay." He sighed and ended the call, deciding to go back home since he was having no luck. He knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep without knowing the blonde was safe, but he prayed the kid would turn up at some point.

Meanwhile, Mike checked into a dingy motel he had come across, grateful that his jacket had his wallet inside. He really had nowhere else to go; he couldn't risk going home in case Rachel was still there and Harvey's was out of the question. He had about fifty bucks which was enough to cover two nights at this place. And that was all he needed. By tomorrow night, he would be dead. This was the perfect place, too. He was sure he wasn't the first person to die in this place and definitely wouldn't be the last. The blonde sighed, sitting on the end of the bed and burying his face in his hands. How was he going to do this? Should he write notes? Say goodbyes face to face? Not leave anything at all? No, that wouldn't be fair; everyone he knew had a part to play in how successful he had come…even if they had a part in his downfall, too. Shivering, he climbed back further onto the bed, laid down and stared up at the brown water-stained ceiling. How was he going to do it? Pills? Slit wrists? Hanging? Gun? Well, he didn't own a gun so that was stricken off the list. Hanging seemed intense and painful and he wasn't sure he would be able to inflict pain on himself with a razor and continue to go through with it. Plus it was messy, even in a bathtub. Pills seemed easy; it would be like falling asleep. For the next ten minutes, he ran through everything he was going to do in the next thirty-six hours. Exhausted and cold, Mike soon drifted off to sleep, plagued by nightmares of his failures and hoping his suicide wouldn't be one of them.

The Next Afternoon

Mike woke up disoriented, still lying on his back, forgetting where he was for a moment. His clothes were now dry, but stiff and crusted. He glanced at his watch and swore; how had he slept all the way until noon? And then it all came back to him…today was the day. Shifting into autopilot, Mike got a taxi back to his apartment so he could shower and change. Thankfully, Rachel was gone, but there was a chance she'd come back, so he had to be quick. His phone was still on the table where he had left it and curious, he glanced at it as the screen lit up. Ten missed calls from Harvey, seven from Rachel, three from Donna, several voicemails from the three as well as text messages. He thought about opening them but considered it unimportant. There was no point in listening to what they had to say. He had made up his mind. After taking a quick shower, Mike changed into his best suit. While digging in the closet for a tie, he came across an old skinny one. Harvey always used to rag on him for wearing them. The blonde smiled sadly, stroking the fabric as he recalled those old memories…when things were simpler. He wished he could go back to those days. The days when the urges weren't so overwhelming. When Harvey managed to save him from drowning. Tears burned the man's eyes, but he refused to let them fall; now wasn't the time. Mike put on the tie, straightened his clothes and then grabbed his things so that he could head to the firm one last time. As he left, he felt a weight lift from his shoulders; he felt so much better than he did yesterday…happier and calm. Maybe it was because he had a plan or maybe because he was finally going to see his family again.

~+S+~

Harvey paced his office nervously, unable to focus due to the fact that he still hadn't heard from Mike. Where the hell was that kid? He glanced out at Donna who was staring at the phone, contemplating on whether she should start calling hospitals…or morgues. He bit the inside of his cheek. Maybe he should file a missing person-

"Harvey!" Donna called out and his head snapped up. Who he saw was none other than Mike fucking Ross…and he looked fine. Actually, better than fine for someone who just lost his job and got cheated on in the same day. He was wearing a suit, his hair was gelled back, and a smile was plastered on his pale face. But he also had a split lip and gigantic bruise on his cheek, so Harvey wondered what trouble the kid got into last night. Logan. He was going to beat that guy's ass.

"Mike, where the hell have you been?" Donna said, circling around her desk so she could greet him. "And what happened to your face? Jesus we've been worried sick about you? Don't you know how to answer a phone?"

Mike pressed his lips together sheepishly. "I'm sorry, Donna, I just needed some time alone to think."

The woman shook her head and glanced at Harvey who had made his way out of the office while trying to conceal his relief. "You could've at least texted one of us, kid. You don't go off the grid like that."

"Again, I'm sorry. You're right, I should've said something. But I'm here now."

Harvey sighed and squeezed the man's shoulder. "Well, I'm glad you're okay, but why are you here? And wearing a suit? Are you here for a job?"

Mike snorted as he walked into the office. "I wish. The day that Jessica lets me back in this firm is the day that hell freezes over."

Harvey chuckled and followed, though he couldn't help but notice that something was off with the man. Mike was pissed off at him not even a day ago, Rachel gave him that gut-wrenching news last night, and he lost his job. Why did he act like none of that happened?

"You okay?"

Mike turned around, blue eyes wide and a smile, that seemed almost forced, spread on his lips. "Yeah, why do you ask?"

"Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you came here. I was about to start calling the police but…well…you lost your job and Donna told me what happened with Rachel. I'm sorry, kid."

The blonde just brushed him off and scoffed. "It's fine. I'm fine, I promise. It actually all worked out for the best, I think."

"How so?" Harvey was really confused. Mike's behavior was kind of freaking him out.

"I didn't love that job anways. As good as it was to be legit, it wasn't here." He scanned the office and swallowed thickly. He was gonna miss this place.

"Well, we've missed you kid, and you know I'm gonna do whatever I can to get you back on your feet. I promise."

Mike smiled sadly. "I know. And I'm sorry for yelling at you the other day." He didn't want any bad blood between them when he left.

"Mike, you had a right to. It was partially my fault Jonathan fired you. I shouldn't have-"

"Harvey…it's fine. It's in the past. I just wanted to come here and tell you that."

"Oh well, I'm glad…thanks." Mike usually put up a fight, why was he being so submissive?

Mike bobbed his head and began to leave.

"Wait," Harvey stopped him. "Do you…do you need a place to stay? You can crash at my place for a bit if you want."

Mike froze, keeping his back to Harvey. Did the man sense that something was wrong or was he generally asking if he wanted a place to stay? Keeping his face stoic, the blonde turned around; Harvey was staring back at him with a wary expression. "Umm…sure, I'd like that." He cleared his throat.

Harvey bobbed his head. "Good. You want to head over now?"

Mike hesitated. He hadn't meant it and going with Harvey would ruin his plans. "We can stop and pick up some pizza or Chinese on the way there."

"No."

The older man looked confused and Mike realized he had come off a little too hurried.

"Sorry, I mean, I have to go home first and pack a bag. Do you know…is Rachel here?"

"She's still at my place," Donna said, coming into the room and both he and Harvey

knew she had been eavesdropping. "Did you want to go see her?"

Mike shook his head. "I just wanted to make sure she wasn't there."

Donna and Harvey shared a glance. It was understandable but heartbreaking. Mike pressed his lips together, hoping he didn't give anything away. There would be no way he'd be able to escape to the motel if they had any idea of what he was going to do.

Harvey sighed and went back to his desk. "Okay, well see you in about an hour? I should be at my place by then. Chinese or pizza?"

Mike raised a brow. "Oh, so you're letting me pick for once?"

Harvey smirked. "What can I say, I'm a nice guy."

The blonde snorted as he began to back away. "I choose pizza, then."

"What, no stuffed crust?"

"Oh, um, sure." It didn't really matter what kind of pizza Harvey got; he wasn't going to eat it anyways. "I'll see you in an hour."

Mike always wanted stuffed crust; the kid made it a point to remind him of it every time and now suddenly it seemed like he didn't care.

The younger man stopped and turned back to face them, and he almost seemed sad, the smile was barely reaching his cheeks and his eyes had lost their light. "I…I just want to say thank you for everything…both of you. I wouldn't be where I am…well was if it weren't for you guys taking a chance on me. I wish things had been different…maybe if I hadn't taken that job with Jonathan…anyways, I'm sorry."

Before Harvey had a chance to ask why Mike was sorry, the kid left quickly.

"That was weird, right?" Harvey asked, staring after his ex-associate. "I'm not the only one who thought that was weird?"

"Something is off," Donna agreed. "You're gonna talk to him tonight, right?"

"I'll try. You know how closed off he is."

"Well, not to you," she smiled, squeezing his arm and then going back to her desk.

~+SUITS+~

Mike stepped into his and Rachel's apartment and turned on the lights. It was still empty and just like he had left it the other night…when Rachel broke his heart. He hadn't even noticed it when he came here earlier. Wine glasses were half full next to the bottle and the pot where he had been cooking spaghetti sauce in was still on the stove, no doubt crusted and cold. He gazed at the table he had been sitting at when he basically poured his heart out and said that she was all he needed. He remembered she was crying, and he was so puzzled until she said it. Logan and I kissed. Logan and I kissed. Logan and I kissed. His blood had gone cold, his heart stopped, and he could barely breathe. Rachel had cheated on him with the one guy he hated most. She said it hadn't meant anything, she said she was sorry, but he didn't believe it…he couldn't. Especially not after Logan gloated to him that she had loved every second of it. Mike felt nauseous, trying to get the memory out of his head. He just wanted it all to be over. Taking a deep breath, Mike grabbed a pen and piece of paper and went into the living room, dropping onto the couch. He started to write and as he did, tears dripped down his cheeks. His life was over; no one wanted him. Harvey was just pretending to care when he offered the couch, but in reality, he probably was hoping he would've said no. Rachel wasn't really sorry, she loved the kiss. And Donna…Donna was always on Harvey's side. She was fiercely loyal to him; the woman proved that a long time ago after Harvey had fired him.

Rachel, since you will probably be the first to see this, I'll start with you. I loved you; you were all I needed. I didn't even care that I didn't have a job, that I had no one else. I had you. The moment I laid eyes on you four years ago, even though you though I was annoying, I knew that someday I was going to marry you…or so I thought. But I forgive you, because I don't want to die with a grudge. I hope you have a nice life with Logan.

Donna, I'm sorry. I know you'll be mad at me for this. Probably madder than Harvey. You've been more than a friend to me…you've been like a mother. I always knew I could count on you for pretty much anything. You always helped me when I had problems with Harvey, except for when he fired me. But I don't blame you for that; you are and always will be loyal to him and I get it. I'm going to miss our coffee and gossip dates; maybe you and Harvey can start doing them…start a new tradition like we did.

And Harvey…I don't even know where to start. You and this job were the best thing that ever happened to me. You pulled me out of the gutter and gave me a new life…you gave me a chance when no one else would…you gave me a family. We had our ups and downs, but hey, brother's fight…but this was a fight that I couldn't win. You'll probably think of me as a coward and hate me for a while, but this is for the best. This way you guys can go back to your lives before you met me. I screwed things up, so hopefully once I'm gone, you can fix it. I'm sorry I lied to you and I'm sorry it had to be this way. I hope you all can forgive me someday. Goodbye.

-Michael Ross

Mike choked a sob as he put the note on the table before getting up and going into the bedroom. He got on his knees in front of the dresser and pulled out the drawer, reaching into the back to grab a small black box. Sniffing, he flipped it open and stared at the silver ring with the square diamond on top. It had been his grandmothers; she had worn it every day for almost sixty years and he hoped it would be the same for Rachel…but now that wasn't happening. He reached to the back again and pulled out a pill bottle of anti-depressants. Only he knew about them; he had gotten it after his grandmother died and he had hit rock bottom. He stopped taking them after things got better and had actually forgotten about them until now. Maybe he should take a few…maybe he'd feel- no, he's made his decision. There was no going back. Mike got back up and put the ring by the note before grabbing the wine bottle and his phone. He made his way towards the door, giving one last look at the apartment before shutting off the lights and leaving the place for the last time.

When he got to the motel, he flicked on the lamp, removed his tie and sat on the end of the bed, staring at the wall. It was quiet besides sirens in the distance and the hum of the vent, barely blowing air. This was it; he was going to die today. His parents would be so disappointed in him, but he was sure they already were. He hadn't led a great life. He had been a cheater, a loser, a fraud, a liar, a freak, a betrayer and so much else. He wished he could go back and change things…he wished he could start over. But it was too late. Tears welled in his eyes, but he didn't want to cry anymore. Man up, Ross. Get this over with. Mike took a deep breath and let his shoulders relax. He could hear his phone vibrating on the bed, but he ignored it. They would stop soon.

"Okay…it'll be okay. It's just like falling asleep," he assured himself. He opened the pill bottle and took the cork off the wine. He gazed at the two things that were going to end his life and suddenly a warm feeling came over him. He was no longer scared, but he was happy; felt lighter than he had in years. He smiled and started taking the pills. Here we go.

~+S+~

Harvey looked at his watch for, what he felt like, the hundredth time. Where the hell was Mike? It had been almost an hour and a half since the blonde left the firm and when he got to the condo about fifteen minutes ago, he was shocked the kid hadn't beat him there. It shouldn't have taken him this long to go home and pack a bag. He called a few times as well, but he got no answer. Harvey bit the inside of his cheek and paced; something was definitely wrong with him. He saw it and didn't do anything about it. Back at the firm, the strange way Mike was acting gave him a sinking feeling about what the man was planning on doing. He was becoming nervous and that was rarely an emotion he felt, but when it came to Mike…he was always worried. He glanced out the window and then down at his watch again.

Harvey swore underneath his breath. He couldn't just sit here and do nothing. He had to find the kid before he did something stupid. He grabbed his coat and phone, rushing down to the garage and starting his car. First place he'd look was the blonde's apartment. Maybe he just fell asleep, he seemed exhausted yesterday despite the fake smile he had on his face. He was just about to dial Donna's number when he noticed he was getting an incoming call from Rachel.

"Shit." And the moment he answered, he heard frantic cries on the other end. "Rachel, calm down. What's wrong?"

"I came home to get clothes and…there was a note…and a ring and Mike, oh my god."

Harvey felt cold. He knew what this was, but he didn't want to believe it. "What kind of note?" He swallowed thickly. "Where's Mike? Is he…?"

"He's gone, he's not here! The note…it's a suicide note! I don't know where he is, I'm scared, Harvey I'm really scared. He's going to kill himself! Oh god, what have I done?! He's gonna kill himself because of me!"

No, no, no. This couldn't be happening. Mike wouldn't do that to himself, right? The kid used to always be so optimistic, there's no way he would have such dark intentions towards himself. His heart pounded against his chest in fear. "Okay, just relax, I'm gonna find him." Somehow, he was going to find him if it was the last thing he did.

"H-How? He could be anywhere, he could be-"

"He's gonna be fine, Rachel, I promise. Just try and relax."

"Okay…okay… please just find him."

"I will." He hung up and sat there for a moment before slamming his hand on the steering wheel. "Fuck!" How the hell was he supposed to find Mike in a city of over a million people? Then he suddenly remembered something. He picked up his phone again and called Donna.

"Hey, where are you? Are you still at the office?"

"Yeah, I'm actually about to leave," the secretary replied. "Have you talked to Mike yet?"

"No, he never showed up. I need you to track his phone and fast."

"What-"

"Rachel got home and…she found a note. He's gone somewhere to kill himself."

"Oh my god. Just hang on…oh god, why didn't we see it?"

Harvey clenched his jaw. He did see it, but he didn't do anything. Maybe because he couldn't believe Mike would ever try something like that. Why didn't he do anything? He would never forgive himself if he was too late.

"Harvey? Harvey!"

He snapped out of his thoughts when he realized Donna was calling his name. "Did you find him?"

"He's at Hardy's Motel on 2nd."

"Okay."

"Harvey, what if-"

"Don't, Donna…don't." He hung up and peeled out of the garage, towards Mike's location and praying that he would get there in time to save the kid. When he got to the motel, Harvey burst into the office and pulled out his phone, getting a picture up of blonde and shoving it in the manager's face.

"What room is he in?"

"Huh?"

"Room! What room is he in?! His name is Mike Ross and he checked in here." He didn't have time for this.

"Why should I tell you?"

Seriously?! "Because he's going to kill himself! And if you don't tell me where he is right now, I will bring a shit storm of lawsuits down on this dump and have you out of business before next week!"

Flustered, the man got up and ruffled through papers until he found the right one. "Um, bottom floor room ten."

"Call 911!" He snapped before running back out and down the hall, counting the room numbers until he reached number ten. "Mike!" He started banging on the door and then wiggled the handle. Locked. "Dammit. Mike! Answer me!" When he got no response, he stood back and kicked in the door. It took only one try, the wood being cheap, and when it swung open, Harvey's breathing hitched, his heart nearly stopping. Mike was lying on the floor, unmoving, next to a near empty pill canister and spilled bottle of wine.

"Mike!" He rushed over and fell to his knees, rolling the blonde onto his back. His face was tinted gray and his lips were blue. He gripped the kid's shoulders and lifted him up, shaking him gently. "Mike, come on wake up dammit!" He hovered his ear over the man's mouth and sighed in relief. He was still breathing…for now at least. He cupped Mike's cheek, stroking it with his thumb before slapping it a few times. "Oh god, what have you done to yourself, kid?"

Suddenly he heard a gurgling sound and Mike's eyelids started fluttering until they were half open. His eyes were glazed over, and he was fading fast, barely able to keep them open.

"Mike? Mike, talk to me. How many did you take? Answer me, dammit!" He grabbed the man's chin, hoping for a response…but he got none. Harvey choked. "Mike, please say something."

The younger man stared up at him before his eyes rolled to the back of his head as he started convulsing and foaming at the mouth.

"Shit! Shit! Mike!" He couldn't believe this was happening right now.

When the medics finally arrived, Mike's seizure had finished but his breathing also stopped. Harvey was shocked beyond movement and the paramedics had to pry the blonde's limp body from his hands. He couldn't believe Mike was capable of doing this to himself and it broke his heart.

1 ½ Hours Later

Why didn't he stop him? He could've stopped Mike at the firm and he didn't. He knew something was up, but he let it go and waited too long. All of this could've been prevented. Harvey sat in the waiting room and stared at the ceiling, running the whole thing in his head. He should've stopped him.

"Wait, do you…do you need a place to stay? You can crash at my place for a bit if you want."

Mike froze, keeping his back to him before turning around. "Umm…sure, I'd like that."

Harvey bobbed his head. "Good. You want to head over now? We can stop and pick up some pizza or Chinese on the way there."

"No."

It was abrupt…it was weird…it wasn't Mike-like.

"Sorry, I mean, I have to go home first and pack a bag. Do you know…is Rachel here?"

Harvey looked up when he saw Donna come into the room. "She's still at my place. Did you want to go see her?"

Mike shook his head. "I just wanted to make sure she wasn't there."

He and Donna shared a look. It was understandable but heartbreaking. Mike pressed his lips together as he made his way towards the door. Then he suddenly stopped and turned back to face the two. "I…I just want to say thank you for everything…both of you. I wouldn't be where I am…well was if it weren't for you guys taking a chance on me. I wish things had been different…maybe if I hadn't taken that job with Jonathan…anyways, I'm sorry."

Warning bells went off in Harvey's mind, telling him that something was wrong…to not let Mike go because he may not see him ever again.

"Hang on, I'll drive you. Donna cancel my last meet-"

"No, I'm good. I am capable of doing things myself, you know." The man looked terrified…like things weren't going the way he wanted them.

"Mike, I'm coming with you," he got closer to the blonde, grabbing his arm, but it was torn from his grip immediately.

"No! I don't need you to fucking babysit me; I said I'm fine!"

"What is your problem? I'm just offering you a ride!"

"Well, you can keep your damn offer, I don't want it because-" Mike stopped short, realizing he might've spoken too much.

"Because what, huh? Because you weren't planning on showing up is that it? What were you going to do, Mike?"

The man averted his eyes, breathing heavily.

"Mike, answer me!"

Nothing.

He shoved the blonde's shoulder roughly. "Huh? What stupid thing were you going to do this time!? Tell me!"

"I was going to kill myself!" Mike shouted, angry tears in his eyes. "I was going to take a bunch of pills and kill myself, okay?! There, happy?"

Harvey was at loss for words for a moment. "Jesus Christ, kid."

Mike suddenly broke down crying, burying his face in his hands. And at that moment, Harvey wanted to cry too. His best friend…his kid brother was going to commit suicide and he almost let him go. He didn't even want to think about what would've happened if he did.

"Oh Mike," he whispered before bringing the man into a tight embrace. Mike's body shook in his arms with his violent sobs which made Harvey want to hold him tighter. He glanced at Donna who was silently crying by the door. They almost lost their kid…and now the harder part was fixing it.

"It's gonna be okay, Mike. You're gonna be okay."

"Mr. Specter?"

The lawyer blinked out of his thoughts and sat up to see Mike's doctor by the nurse's station. Wiping his sweaty palms on his pant legs, Harvey stood up and went over to greet the man.

"Dr. Ford," they shook hands. "How…how's Mike?"

The doctor sighed. "He's stable, but in critical condition. Why don't we go talk in my office? I'll explain some more about his condition and next steps and then you can go sit with him."

Harvey sighed and nodded. Mike was alive but how bad would it be when he woke up…or if he woke up? When they got into the office, Dr. Ford told him how they had to pump his stomach because of the lethal cocktail of drugs and alcohol. There was liver damage, but thankfully it would be able to heal on its own in time. He needed a ventilator to breathe, he was in a coma and the doctor was concerned about possible brain damage because of the lack of oxygen for three minutes. Then there was the mental aspect of it all. They were gonna put him on suicide watch and he was going to need a lot of help afterwards.

And now he was sitting in a room, staring at Mike's lifeless form, surrounded by tubes and machines. His skin was cold and pale, slightly tinted yellow because of the liver damage, bruise like shadows around his eyes and lips chapped. Harvey was scared; Mike had to wake up. He had to be okay.

"What were you thinking, kid?" Harvey whispered, leaning forward, gripping his bicep and stroking it with his thumb while using the other hand to brush his hair back. "What was I thinking? I should've stopped you, but I didn't. I just wish you would've come talk to me. I know you were mad at me, but I would've been there for you. I'm always gonna be here for you, Mike, no matter what. We're brothers." He closed his eyes, but all he could see was Mike's body, unconscious and dying. He swore underneath his breath and squeezed the blonde's arm. "You better wake the fuck up, Mike or I'll never forgive you for the idiotic stunt you pulled. Well, even when you do, I'll still have a tough time forgiving you." The lawyer sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Just pull through, kid. Please pull through."

Rachel was devastated when she showed up at the hospital and she cried into Mike's chest for nearly half an hour until Donna took her away to calm down…but not before the redhead handed him a piece of paper.

"What's this?" Harvey asked.

Donna sighed. "It's his note. I…I already read it." She wiped the tears from her eyes. "He's never gonna be the same is he."

Harvey clenched his jaw. He didn't even want to think about it. Mike was going to need help; from him, from a specialist, and probably some medication, though he wasn't sure how that would work given that he used medication to overdose. But Donna was right, Mike wasn't going to be the same person he used to be…or had he always had thoughts like this, and he just never saw it? He read people for a living, but when it came to the people closest to him, he did a crappy job.

"Shit." He went back into the room and sat down, opening the paper and scanning the words and his heart aching. "God, Mike. What am I gonna do with you?"

Four Days Later

Everything ached and his head felt heavy. It wasn't right, he wasn't supposed to feel things when he was dead. Surveying the area with his eyes still closed, Mike could smell disinfectant and cologne. When sounds slowly returned to him, he could hear soft chattering, rustling papers, footsteps and an annoying beeping sound over his head. Besides being sore, he could feel slightly uncomfortable sheets, a soft pillow and bed. Hospital. He was alive. Part of him was relieved, he hadn't been thinking right because of his depression, but now he had to face his failure and all the people he disappointed. They probably hated him…they probably weren't even there. He swallowed thickly, trying not to let the bad thoughts plague him again. His throat was so dry…it felt like sandpaper. He groaned in discomfort, furrowing his brow and clutching the blankets in his fingers.

"Mike?"

His heart almost stopped. Harvey was there? He felt a calloused but warm hand grab his own, squeezing it gently.

"Mike, you with me kid? Open your eyes."

It took a moment until Mike was able to pry his eyelids open. After blinking a few times to focus his vision, he looked around the white room until he landed on the older lawyer. But it didn't really look like him; he appeared tired and face a little unshaven. He was wearing a dark gray sweatshirt and black sweatpants rather than his normal three-piece suit. Weird.

"Can you talk? Do you know who I am?" Mike was taking a long time to process things. Granted, he literally just woke up from a coma, but he was worried that something might be wrong. "Mike."

The younger man blinked before shakily lifting his arm and pointing to his throat.

"Water?"

Mike nodded and Harvey raised the bed before pouring a cup of water and helping the blonde take a few sips. "It's probably from the breathing tube. They took it out last night. Good?"

Mike nodded again and croaked. "T-Thank you."

They sat there in silence, Mike unable to meet Harvey's eyes. He wasn't supposed to feel this humiliation. He was supposed to be dead.

"So, you gonna tell me what the hell you were thinking?"

Mike looked away, clenching his teeth together and trying not to break down in front of Harvey.

"Look at me, kid! Do you understand the shit you put us through? What you put me through? Jesus, when I found you on the floor like that…when you started having a seizure. It scared the hell out me!"

"You…you found me?"

"Yeah, Rachel called me because she found your note. Luckily, Donna was able to track your phone otherwise I probably…" He didn't even want to think about it. "It terrified Donna and destroyed Rachel…I just…god. Did you really think doing that yourself would solve things or…or make us feel better? How could you be so selfish? How could you not think about what that would do to us?"

Mike turned to him and all the anger melted away. Seeing the haunted, broken look in the kid's eyes…like a kicked puppy. It made him cave. He wasn't a hugger, but he needed to hug Mike and let him know it was going to be okay. "Fuck." He grabbed the man's shoulders and brought him into a tight embrace. The blonde's arms remained at his side, unsure of what to do at first. But the second Harvey touched him, he felt emotion surge in his chest; all the pain and depression and loneliness that had built up since day one and he could no longer hold it in. He rarely cried especially in front of people unless it was bad. He swore to never do it in front of Harvey, because he was afraid of being called weak and pathetic. Lawyers didn't cry…men didn't cry, but right now it seemed like it was acceptable to. He found himself sobbing into Harvey's chest and the man held him tighter.

"M'sorry, Harvey. I'm so sorry." He was embarrassed and guilty that he had put the people he cared about through hell. And now they were never going to look at him the same way…they were never going to forgive him. He felt Harvey run a hand up and down his back, whispering words of comfort. It was strange; the man was the last person he expected to have this side of them. Once five or six minutes passed and running out of tears Mike pulled away, wiping his face.

"Why didn't you come talk to me?" Harvey asked in a soft voice.

"I…I didn't want to make it your problem. I felt like I had no one. I got mad at you and pushed you away, so I wasn't sure you would want to talk to me. Everything that happened, it kept kicking me down and Rachel cheating on me was the nail in the coffin."

"Mike, your problems are my problems. You're my responsibility, whether you work for me or not. We're brothers and I would do anything for you, and you can tell me anything. I won't judge.

The blonde sniffed. "I know…I don't know what I was thinking." He took a deep breath and glanced at the older man. "I…" he's never told anyone this. Not even Trevor.

Harvey grabbed his arm. "Mike, you can trust me."

"I've been…ever since my parents died, I've been fighting with depression…all my life. And actually, this wasn't the first time I tried to…you know."

Harvey looked mortified. "Jesus kid."

"It was only once, back in college after I got kicked out. I, um, I bought a syringe of heroine, went to Trevor and I's apartment and put it in my arm. Trevor must've come back early He found me barely alive and called an ambulance. When I was asked what happened, I just said I was experimenting and didn't know it would be that strong. People believed me, because it was the first time I ever tried it. I never told my grandmother either, because she would've known the truth. But after that, I knew I had to get help. I saw a psychiatrist, got medication and things were going great. I felt good; I had Trevor and Jenny and then I got my dream job and I had…I had you. I thought I wouldn't have to take the antidepressants anymore. And then my grandmother died, and you fired me, and it was starting to pile up…especially when Jonathan fired me and Rachel…I couldn't do it anymore. It was too much weight for me to carry. All the bad things that happened to me or what was said to me was like a dark cloud over my head and I wanted it to go away." He met Harvey's eyes and saw that the lawyer looked so sad.

"Mike, that's…horrible. I don't even know how to respond to that, but if you ever are having those urges or if you just want to talk or punch something, you come to me, got it? You're not alone anymore and I never want you doing something like this again."

"I won't, I promise. I'm…I'm glad you saved me."

"Good…me too."

The younger man cleared his throat. "So now what?"

"Well, you're gonna be on suicide watch for a few more days and then released. And it can be up to you whether you go to your own place or stay with me, but whatever you choose, someone must be with you. The doctor also recommended some intense therapy given how bad it was, your history and the fact that you won't be able to use medication for a while."

Mike nodded. "I can live with that."

Harvey smirked. "That's kind of the point."

The blonde rolled his eyes and laughed for the first time in a long time. The two talked for a little longer until Mike fell asleep. But not before Harvey mentioned that Rachel would be there later. Mike didn't know how to feel about that.

"Do you not want her to come?"

Rachel was part of the reason why he did what he did; what if seeing her again caused problems?

"Mike, you don't have to see her if you don't want to. And look, I'm not trying to pressure you into anything, because it's the last thing you need right now, but I'm gonna say something that I've never told you before. I admire your relationship with Rachel. It's real and it's hard to come by and all you need to do to keep it is forgive her. I know it's not an easy thing to do and like I said, it's up to you. Don't feel pressured, okay? Take your time."

Mike bit the inside of his cheek and Harvey sighed. "Get some rest, buddy."

~+S+~

Mike hadn't wanted to see Rachel in the hospital and though Harvey rooted for the two kids to end up together, he knew it was a good idea. The woman pretty much pulled the trigger and, in the condition that Mike was in, it would probably hurt more than it helped. After spending four more days in the hospital, Mike was discharged into Harvey's care. Even though it was weird seeing the caring side of the man, it was beneficial staying with him; Mike's mood changed…he smiled more, laughed more. He was glad Harvey wasn't walking on eggshells around him, either. That was one of the reasons why he never told anyone; he was afraid they would treat him differently. Therapy was starting to help this time around, but maybe because he wanted to get better this time…maybe because he wasn't alone anymore, and he wanted to stick around for the people he loved. However, there was still something missing. Someone.

Harvey held his phone in his hand as stared at Mike who was standing out on the balcony. They had gotten back from therapy an hour ago and usually the kid took a nap, because it would wear him out, but right now it seemed like he was thinking. Rachel had been trying to talk to him for the last few days, but Mike kept saying he needed more time. The kid was stubborn, he'd give him that, but Harvey noticed that Mike was losing his anger towards Rachel…he just didn't want to admit it. He took a deep breath and walked out to join the blonde.

"Hey."

Mike turned, eyes squinted from the sun which was doing wonders for his skin. He was finally starting to look healthy again. "Hey, what's up?"

Harvey waved the phone. "Rachel again."

Mike sighed and looked away.

"You have to do something, kid. Don't keep her waiting; you either forgive her and take her back or don't and get on with your lives. I get that you're hurt, but you must decide if you love her more than you hate what she did. And I think deep down, you really do love her."

The younger man pressed his lips together and then bobbed his head. "You're right."

"So…?"

Mike rolled his eyes as he walked past the lawyer, gently shoving him aside. "So, can you bring me home?"

Harvey grinned. Finally.

FIN

Please, please don't forget to leave a review!

Next prompt for: Rosa13bella: Mike has PTSD

Guest (20) (Must've mixed up the order of prompts, this story is Chapter 85)

SPN4eva556 (I also found that this is one I already did for the same requester- Chapter 63)

Mary

Kayla

Guest (21)

Sophie

Dragonplayer18

Irais

Nikki184

Magenta

WritingBRB

What's'SupWitChu

Nerdy

Guest (22)

MarvellousMarvey

Magenta

Guest (23)

Bekah

Sabrina

Mary

Anonymous