CHAPTER 48:

Time to reconnect


Staying calm before a stressful situation wasn't one of Jay's primary skills. He had spent Brahma-knows-how-long in that living room trying to just do that before Cole appeared —brow pinched in concern.

Unable to decline his friend's care, Jay let the boy stay with him for a while. Cole had only tried to talk about 'the incident' once, taking the hint miraculously fast that Jay would rather forget about it fast. As an alternative, Cole apologized to Jay for his previous rude behavior and even thanked the boy for encouraging him to do the same with his husband.

They had remained in the living room for a while, Cole switching the topic of their conversation to crazy things that had happened to him back in the days when a shower like that one struck wherever he lived. Admittedly, the former warrior's stories had managed to distract Jay's mind and put him at ease. For not being prone to complex words and long speeches, Cole sure knew how to keep someone's interest in his tales.

When Lloyd and Zane came up looking for them, the four boys engaged in their usual chill routine; chatting and playing games for the rest of the day.

As if sensing the small group's effort to keep themselves in a happy and friendly mood, the moody skies cleared little by little as dinner time approached. Jay tensed again when the Maharaja, having finished all his duties, made his appearance in the dining room full of mouthwatering aromas. Jay tried not to stare at him too much and stay focused on whatever topic came up as they ate. Everyone seemed to be doing just fine, like any other regular day, completely unaware of the quiet battle going on inside of a certain boy dressed in expensive blue clothes.

After stuffing themselves as they saw fit, the family retreated to their chambers. Kai, as it was becoming more often lately, lingered on the spouses' bedroom while everyone got ready for bed and spent a bit more time together, cuddling and goofing around. But one thing was different that time. Rather than ask any of his lovers to come to the royal bedroom, Kai invited Jay. The monarch was quick to add that he didn't have any ill intentions but merely wished to spend more time with the boy in private.

The clarification, though, didn't do much to kill Jay's jitters. He did not fear the Maharaja but the things his stupid body was doing lately. But what could he say against it? Any refusal would most likely require an explanation, and 'I don't want to because I got hard seeing you almost fucking with your husband and I'm confused as to why I am feeling this way' didn't really seem helpful nor appropriate in any way.

Swallowing a thick ball of saliva, Jay gave a shy nod and finally exited the spouses' chamber in the company of the monarch.

••••••••••••

The darkness around the royal bedroom didn't last much longer. Kai efficiently lit up some of the lanterns, giving the place a rather welcoming and soft vibe. The monarch smiled and Jay looked away from him, somewhat fidgety.

"Do you want to…?" Kai faltered, pointing at the sofas. Admittedly, the boy looked just as awkward and nervous as Jay, which the ginger wasn't sure how to interpret.

Jay almost nodded by force of habit, then decided against it. "I'm fine like this. I've been sitting for so long already."

Kai seemed lost for a moment as if contemplating his options to not let the tension around them become too thick.

"Wanna hang out on the balcony? It might be a bit cold after that storm but the air is very nice," he suggested.

With a single, weak nod, Jay accepted and moved with Kai towards the said area. Indeed, the ambiance outside was a bit chilly, but not too unpleasant. The air was fresh and it carried that satisfying wet earth aroma —probably the second thing Jay liked the most about storms.

"I don't really like it when it rains but that smell…" Kai said leaning his elbows on the marble balustrade, unmindful of the subtle humidity that still lingered there on some spots. "It's so good."

"Yeah, I like it too," Jay commented low. He was still standing there beside Kai, awkwardly staring at the clear drops splattered on the white stone. Unsure what to do or what to say —and the monarch's apparent strain wasn't helping much.

"I like it here. You can almost see the whole city from this point," Kai said.

With hesitation, Jay mimicked the king's position and his eyes scanned the scenery before him, but with so many clouds in the sky yet and a crescent moon, there wasn't much he could appreciate besides the basic shapes of some buildings and lights.

"It looks amazing during sunset."

"I bet it does," Jay said cordially.

Kai turned his face towards Jay, smiling peacefully for the first time since they had entered the royal bedroom. Jay tried to hold his gaze and not avoid the guy's eyes, Kai was already uneasy enough, he didn't need more of that.

They fell silent, allowing the soft nocturnal noises to be the leading sounds for a while. Jay didn't completely mind it. No conversation meant he couldn't put his foot in his mouth. But the Maharaja hadn't clearly invited him to just stare at the night, there had to have been a reason why he'd called Jay. And finally, the boy confirmed that theory.

"I… wanted to talk with you, in private," Kai said, making Jay's hair stand on end. The boy watched Kai on the sly, the monarch, though, hadn't moved an inch, nor was he looking at Jay as he rubbed a hand over his mouth.

"I know things have been… difficult between us lately," Kai went on. "I'm sorry if I'm suddenly very cold. I'm still trying to figure out…" He faltered, licking his lips and rubbing both his hands over his face with a long sigh. "How to handle all that has happened."

Jay could understand, it wasn't being easy for him either —for different reasons, but still not easy at all.

"It's… okay," Jay swallowed past the lump in his throat, considering if he should say anything else to lessen Kai's mounting agitation.

Jay turned his face to make eye contact with Kai, but the other boy looked away, right in the opposite direction of his face. Suddenly, Jay knew that Kai was trying to find the strength to say something he did not want to voice, and most likely punishing himself along with it too. His shoulders were tense, fingers shaking subtly as they pressed on the back of his head, tangling with the chocolate strands and tugging at them.

Jay's hand crept over the top of the balustrade, halting midway as it got closer to the Maharaja.

Are you sure you want to 'touch' him? The question revolved in his mind. Would his body go crazy again if he so as much just leaned in to offer the monarch some friendly comfort?

"What did I do?" The words slurred by Kai's mouth so fast and low that Jay had to spend a few seconds on deciphering them, and when he did, they still made no sense.

"What?" he asked.

Kai's forearms were resting on the barrier again, his head falling forward, pressing his chin to his chest with long and heavy respirations. "What did I do to you? That night... after the party. I kinda have an overall image, but..."

Jay blinked in utter surprise, his body going stiff. Out of all the things that Kai could have said, that was the last one Jay was expecting. Why would Kai want to talk about that? Why bring back those painful moments after all they had both suffered?

Then it hit Jay.

"You... don't remember?" He asked, eyes narrowing with confusion at the shadowed boy.

"No," Kai struggled to say. "I mean, I remember bits but… it's all so blurry. Then I see my father's face and… I can't tell what is real from what isn't." Kai's voice had an unusual tremor to it. Jay could feel the anxiety clawing at Kai's throat in his own body.

Up to that moment, Jay hadn't considered such a possibility, but given Kai's inebriated state that night, it wasn't all that absurd. Plus, with all the dread and anxiety he probably went through during those moments, it wasn't all that rare for his mind to lock the memories away.

The question remained though; why would Kai want to know something like that? And that was exactly what Jay asked next. Still averting his eyes to the marble support, the monarch took a few heavy breaths as he worked on his response.

"I… I just… want to know it. I need it to… to understand how you feel. To… To know how could you…" Kai blabbed.

Bullshit, you just want another reason to beat yourself. Jay was impressed how easily he could read Kai after living in his house for almost two months. Maybe, in his mind, Kai genuinely thought that having that type of information would genuinely help him in his healing process, but Jay disagreed. It had taken them both so much emotional strength to put that night past them and move on to a brighter future. There was no need to bring that hurt back.

A small fraction of Jay's brain wondered if those memories would only bring pain back. If the same thing happened again, with this weird body he was developing, would Jay react the same way under Kai's 'filthy' touch? Or would he let the monarch do as he pleased?

Kai's face lifted and his timid eyes looked at Jay on the sly. The soft moonlight that slipped between the clouds was enough to help Jay notice the wetness around Kai's eyelids. Jay fidgeted, he didn't wish to upset the king but…

But that's not the king of Ninjago in front of you. It's Kai.

Kai. Just another simple human, another boy like himself, and one that had been mentally damaged at a very tender age. Jay shook his head. Kai didn't need any more shit thrown at him in his sensitive state.

"Jay, please…"

"Kai, it's no use." Jay's hand trembled again as it tried to move forward and reach for the other boy.

Screw it, he thought. Kai needed him, he needed a friend.

Steeling himself, Jay grabbed both of Kai's hands, pulling at the boy so they were properly facing each other.

"I'm fine," Jay hoped his voice wouldn't break, he had to convince Kai to forget about that painful event of their lives. "I don't hate you, I'm not upset either. I… I don't even remember the details about that night, honestly. It's all in the past. There's no need to stir it up."

Kai was fully focused on him, his eyes glossy, sparkling under the moonbeam like diamonds. Jay squeezed his hands a fraction tighter, trying to convey all his affection for the troubled boy.

"Please, stop punishing yourself. You weren't in your right mind that night. And I... shouldn't have said those things either."

The tears in Kai's chartreuse eyes grew thicker and finally rolled down his cheeks. The boy ducked his head, trying to keep his jitters a secret, even though they were way too obvious. Kai sniffed and reached up to his face, wiping off the salty liquid. It seemed he was calming for a moment but then a muffled cry escaped from him.

"Kai," Jay approached, tentatively surrounding the boy with his arms. Kai understood his gesture right away and leaned into Jay, hugging his back and crying in his neck.

"I swear…" Kai mumbled between sobs. "I swear if I could go back in time… I would slap myself so hard…" His fingers curled into Jay's shoulder, anchoring himself to this world. "I hate having hurt you as I did…"

Jay's hand moved upward and threaded his fingers into Kai's hair very slowly, stroking his scalp.

"It's okay, don't think about that anymore."

Jay's words pulled another cry out of the boy that lay in his arms. He strengthened the embrace and supported Kai as the Maharaja's shoulders bobbed with every sob and sniff.

"Thank you… for forgiving me." Kai's whisper was low, it lacked the usual energy and zeal that the boy displayed on a daily basis. Jay couldn't keep up with all the emotions of the moment and tears flowed out of his eyes too.

"You don't have to thank me," he mumbled, trying to steady his voice.

Eventually, they moved inside again, Jay guided Kai towards the bed and laid him down on the mattress. Kai's grip softened but didn't fully let go of Jay. The Maharaja was hesitant, probably pondering if he was being too clingy. Jay moved with him and lay down by Kai's side. The mattress enveloped him in its softness, but Jay wasn't about to dwell on such details. He hastily adjusted the pillows and got comfortable while Kai grabbed tight onto him, face buried in Jay's chest as he hid from the world in the boy's arms.

Jay had never cradled anyone before Kai. Never had had someone who needed him in such a way, he'd always been the protegé. It was a strange feeling; having someone cherishing you so deeply that the only place where they felt safe was your arms. Like a parent.

Like a parent…

Kai had had no parents, not the way Jay understood that word at least. For so many years the boy had lacked that vital element; a haven he could run to whenever he was scared, or sad, or bursting with joy because he had managed to do something on his own for the first time. The poor thing...

The air felt thick for a while. Kai's low sobs and sniffs filled the silence, although somehow, Jay had the feeling that the boy wanted to keep talking, to tell him more things he'd been keeping to himself. Jay, however, didn't push him. Maybe he, too, was starting to get overwhelmed and dramatic with the turmoil of emotions he'd been going through that day. In any case, Jay tried to compose himself, hoping that being in a calm environment would help Kai, allow their bodies to relax. Maybe then, they would talk further about what was on their minds, or maybe they would just sleep and cuddle like… good friends.

Did good friends marvel at the feeling of the other's hair slipping past their fingers?

Did good friends long to feel more of each other's warmth?

Did good friends feel the need to kiss their companion goodnight on their foreheads?

With all these unsettling doubts, Jay fell asleep on the royal bed.