Author's note: Okay sorry to bring this up again but I've been having some anxiety issues over my writing. I just finished up writing chapter 48, and it's only Halloween. For comparison, chapter 42 of year one was Christmas. Like I know I said this was long haul and everything, and I like what I've written, but I just want to make sure that this isn't too wild. Like does the fact it takes 48 chapters to get to just Halloween make you go "oh :(" or "oh! :)"? I know a big reason is in this year he has friends now and is actually doing stuff besides studying/hiding but idk I guess my worries are getting to me? Any thoughts or feedback would be very appreciated.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
On Saturday James and Sirius wanted to sneak into Hogsmeade. They begged Remus and Peter to come with them, and Peter quickly gave in once James promised to bring his cloak. Remus, however, refused.
"I'm sorry, th—there's just a limit to the rules I'll break," he protested, wishing he could go with him. He knew it was probably ridiculous—he had broken so many already, what was this one? Just... it felt like it was a line he should not cross. "Besides, I have detention tonight."
"We'll be back before," James promised.
"S... sorry, no."
He had a day to himself which wasn't the worst thing. Professor Prewett had given him a couple new essays to do on Thursday, a little more advanced than the ones he did the first time around, so he went to the library to work although he couldn't concentrate very well since he was anxious about the other Marauders messing with the house. They hadn't mentioned it but the previous time they went in he knew they wanted to try again. He hoped with Peter there they might not... They can't get in, either way... He tapped his quill against the paper, chewing at his bottom lip, foot jiggling. If I can't get out as a wolf, they can't get in. Period.
He still felt worried.
Finally he gave up trying to work, checking out a few books to take back to his dorm which was lonely without the other Marauders. He still felt blegh so he left to walk around the castle, hands jammed in his pockets. He considered going to the hospital wing to see if Pomfrey could teach him bandaging except he doubted it'd be a good idea to just show up. Then he saw Lily hanging out in a courtyard with Colgate and Inkwood. He joined them, sitting cross-legged on the ground between Lily and Inkwood. Lily was making flower crowns, Colgate was putting color on her nails, and Inkwood was braiding Colgate's hair. Remus regretted immediately joining them as it all seemed so girly, though he rather liked flower crowns.
"Where are Thing One and Thing Two?" Lily asked.
"Probably causing trouble," sighed Colgate as she held up a hand to study her fingernails. She waved her wand, saying a strange sounding spell, and her nails faded from bright red to a deep maroon. Colgate crinkled her nose then began tapping her nails individually, making the color disappear.
"I—I think they're exploring the castle," Remus lied.
"I'm assuming Pettigrew went with them?" Lily asked and Remus nodded. "How come you didn't?"
"I, er, wanted to study. Had a hard t—time focusing. No clue where they are so..." He shrugged, trying to pretend like he was pretending not to care he couldn't find them. Layers of deceit.
"What do you think?" Inkwood asked, pulling a mirror out of her bag. Colgate squealed, clapping her hands, hugging Inkwood. Inkwood smiled, inching over to begin braiding Lily's hair. "Hey, Lupin, question." Inkwood looked over Lily's head, eyes sparkling. "Has Black ever said anything about me?"
"You?" Remus raised his eyebrows as Lily snorted and Colgate giggled. "Erm..." He thought back to the opening feast, them commenting on Inkwood though he didn't know why. "Not... really... Not that I've noticed."
"Oh." Her face fell a little.
"Why?"
Now all the girls were giggling. Inkwood pressed her lips together, bending in closer to Lily's hair.
"Yeah, Cassie," Lily snickered. "Why?"
"Shut up!" Inkwood hissed out.
"Has he said anything about any of us?" Colgate inquired, smirking, shooting glances at Inkwood who seemed to be growing more and more uncomfortable.
He now knew what Inkwood wanted, though couldn't really fathom why. Boy-girl stuff. He crinkled his nose a little, thinking yuck. He knew that as they got older it'd become more prevalent... part of him wished it wouldn't happen, part of him wished that it would as soon as possible. That he understood the fascination about girls. That he'd just go through whatever it was he was supposed to go through, step past that invisible barrier and just be a regular boy already. He hated feeling weirder than he already was whenever the Marauders talked about girls which, thank MERLIN, wasn't too often. Yet.
"Um." He figured if he told them about Sirius, James, and Peter all discussing their chests after seeing them in wet shirts at the end of their previous year it would go very, very poorly. "I really d-don't notice."
"Do you talk about girls at all?" Colgate asked, putting new color on her nails.
"Me spe—specifically?" he asked and she nodded. Remus felt himself growing redder. "I—n—not really. I don't."
Colgate met his gaze, her brown eyes wide behind her glasses. "Not even Lily?"
"Alice!" Lily growled.
Now Remus was as uncomfortable as Inkwood looked. "Er..."
"We're just friends!" Lily said haughtily. Inkwood went 'mmmhmm' while Colgate smirked. Now Lily was blushing too. "I'm sorry, Remus, they're being idiots." She glowered at her friends then threw the flower crown at Colgate. "Here."
"Who do they talk about?" Inkwood asked. Colgate rolled her eyes as she put the flower circlet in her hair which looked rather nice with the braids.
"Themselves, mostly," Remus said, causing Lily and Colgate to bust up laughing and Inkwood to shake her head.
Colgate, satisfied with her nails, pulled a pot of paint out of her bag along with a small brush. She lay on her stomach looking into a propped up mirror as she began painting designs on her face.
Remus felt eyes on him and looked around, soon spotting three boys sitting on one of the low walls that separated the open courtyard from the corridors surrounding it. Two of the boys were deep in conversation and Remus recognized them, vaguely; the pudgier one was a year older than him, having come to their dorm on a couple occasions when Remus's nightmares were too loud, before the spelled curtains. The gangly redhead Remus knew was called Weasley, as they had been in detention together that horrendous evening when Dedenne went off on Remus. The third boy with them Remus didn't know at all and he was the one watching Remus closely. Until Remus looked. Then the fair-haired boy jerked his head away.
"Can I paint your face?"
Remus jumped a little, realizing Colgate was kneeling in front of him, her own face covered in delicate flowers. "Ah, uh, um, o—okay..." She began sweeping the brush across his cheeks which tickled a bit. He tried not to wriggle then felt eyes on him again. "Um, do any of you know who those boys are over there? I—I think they're th-third years."
Colgate looked past him then returned her gaze to his face. "Nope."
"The redhead has a filthy mouth," Inkwood complained, finishing up Lily's hair.
"I think he's a Weasley. They all have orange hair and freckles," Colgate said then her tongue curled out the corner of her mouth as she focused.
"He's still got a filthy mouth," Inkwood said, flopping back. She shaded her eyes, looking over at the boys. Remus wished he hadn't mentioned them at all.
"Done." Colgate held up the mirror. Remus took it, afraid he'd be covered in flowers too however instead there were purple and blue flames rising up, smokey sort of swirls around his eyes and forehead. It looked pretty cool. Colgate then put vines on Lily's face, and more vivid flowers on Inkwood's face. They talked about some gossip they read in magazines which Remus didn't join in on. He kept feeling the boy's eyes on him, making him sicker and sicker. He wanted to go over, demand to know why he was being stared at.
"We should get Black to paint our faces," Inkwood said, tilting her head to look at her flowers. "He's a good artist, isn't he?"
"Pretty much the only thing he's good at, besides causing trouble," Lily grumbled.
"Can I see the mirror again?" Remus asked, deciding to give himself a distraction to stop thinking about that boy. Inkwood handed it over and Remus held it up with his left hand while he pointed his wand at his face. It took a couple tries but soon the flames were flickering and the smoke wafted around like it was real. The girls all gasped then clamored for him to animate their own face paint. Soon the vines were growing around Lily's face, slithering a little bit like snakes, while the flowers on Colgate and Inkwood's faces swayed like there was a breeze. Colgate added a butterfly to her own face and a hummingbird to Inkwood so Remus animated them as well. Lily wanted something else as well but they couldn't think of anything to go with the vines so Colgate just painted a cat which Remus animated.
Once that was all done Remus glanced to the wall, pleased to see the three boys were gone.
/\/\/\/\/\
"What the hippogriff hell is on your face?"
Remus had come back from detention to find the other Marauders in the dorm, all of them gaping at the purples and blues moving about on his skin. He had gone the entire day with the face paint on, doing his best to ignore the strange looks other students sent his way. When he had gone to detention the teacher in charge—one he didn't know, a rather round older man with a jovial personality—just laughed. Remus had to write lines for this detention. I must not set other students on fire. Which was quite amusing when one had flames on their face. Snape was in the same detention and Remus caught a glimpse of his paper. I must not cut other students. At least that detention had gone a million times better than the only other time Remus had had to write lines.
Now he was facing the Marauders who had been excited as soon as Remus walked in but now were just staring at his face making him feel like he had done something wrong.
"It's moving," Peter said.
"I enchanted it," Remus replied with a sniffle. "Colgate did the paint. I enchanted it.
"Looks cool," Peter said at the same time James said, "Looks weird."
James shrugged when everyone looked at him. "Why purple? Be better with actual fire colors. Or red and gold."
"Not everything has to be Gryffindor," Remus complained.
"But it should," James laughed.
"Anyway!" Sirius clapped his hands for attention. "First off, prezzies." He picked up a small bag, handing it to Remus with a bit of a dramatic flourish. "This is stuff from all of us."
"You didn't need to get me anything!" Remus argued.
"Too late," Pete laughed. "Come on, then."
Remus sat down, trying not to grin too much as he pulled the presents out. A box of every flavor beans from Peter, a bottle of butterbeer from Sirius, and—
"James!" Remus snarled.
"What?" James asked innocently.
He pulled the Gryffindor jumper out of the bag, glaring at James. "I c—can't accept this! It's too expensive!" It was a deep scarlet with gold trim and the outline of a roaring lion's head on the front.
"Naw!" James flapped his hand. "It wasn't that much. Look at it this way, it was only ummm..." He began counting on his fingers. "Erm... well, compared to my allowance it wasn't much. Besides, you can wear it to my first game! It's a selfish present."
Is not, Remus thought, standing up to hold the jumper up against his body. It looked like it would fit him pretty well, only a tiny bit large. He had never had anything brand new that fit him. Anything brand new was too big, and anything that fit him was old. He took off the jumper he was wearing—struggling a bit with keeping his t-shirt on that had been underneath—and put the new one on. It did fit him.
"Looks good," Sirius said, sounding weird, a strange expression flitting across his face for a second.
Remus ducked his head. "Still too expensive. It's brand new."
"It was on clearance," James said.
"What? No, it wa—" Peter started then James jumped on him, covering his mouth.
Remus smiled. "I already heard him."
"He's an idiot," James said as Peter flailed. "He doesn't even know what clearance means."
Peter pushed James's hand away then gave Remus a wide-eyed look. "It's true. I don't. I have no idea at all what that means!" he exclaimed way over the top, probably taking too many queues from Sirius.
Remus rolled his eyes then ran his fingers across his stomach. It was such a soft sweater. "Thank you... but... you—you really don't need to... get me things like this. Even the sweets and butterbeer are too much!"
"Yeah, how dare you spoil your friends, Jimmy," Sirius said, putting his hands on his hips. "You're so mean."
James flopped on Remus's bed, getting into the every flavor beans. "Oh no, however will I live with myself now? Blimey, Remy, how long can you rub your stomach?"
Remus jerked, flushing slightly as he dropped his arms to his sides. "It's... really soft."
James just smiled. "I'm glad you like it."
Remus pulled it off so he could get it washed. The tee underneath was big enough that the sleeves covered his scar, otherwise he'd never have done this in front of the others. He put his original one back on, putting the new one in the laundry basket. "What did you guys get up to? Did you enjoy Hogsmeade, Pete?"
"It was amazing!" Pete flung himself onto Remus's bed next to James. "Honeydukes is absolutely incredible! You need to come with us next time. There was this model replica of Hogwarts that was this big!" He stretched his hand up while James began gagging on a bad bean. "Aisles of sweets, like so many, some of it's so expensive. Oh! They have this whole line of gummy animals! Griffons, unicorns, hippogriffs, nifflers—OH!" Pete jumped up, clapping his hands excitedly. "There was this dragon that breathed out cotton candy fire. Except it's not really cotton candy, it's this other stuff and it was spicy. The clerk let us have a taste."
"Pete was crying," Sirius said, sitting on the edge of his own bed.
Pete glared. "Only a little bit, it was really spicy. The Three Broomsticks is super neat too. Hot butterbeer is good. And the barkeep's got really big knockers." He held his hands out in front of his chest. "And the chips are amazing. The best I've ever had. Remus, you really need to come with us next time."
Remus dug into the beans until he found one that seemed fairly safe. Since his bed was mostly taken over he sat next to Sirius. "What else did you do?" He studied the bean carefully, giving it a cautious sniff. "Zonko's?"
"Um, yes!" James got up, running to his bed to dump a huge bag full of pranks onto his mattress. "I think I spent most the rest of this month's allowance there."
"Quidditch store," Sirius said, taking the bean from Remus's hand and tossing it into his mouth. "Blueberry."
"I finally pick a good one and you steal it!" Remus huffed. Sirius just grinned. "Anywhere else?"
"Clothes, obviously," James said, going back to Remus's bed. "Music. Got a new record."
Peter handed the beans over and Remus picked out another one, identical to the one he had before. "Is that it?" He hoped he sounded merely curious and not demanding.
"About it," Sirius said. "The haunted house."
Remus tried to seem not too overly interested. "Oh?"
"It's so creepy," Peter said, eyes going huge. "Merlin, it's scary. It looks like it's been there for ages but it's new? It doesn't look new though."
"We should one hundred percent sneak out at night sometime to hear the screams," James said as he tossed a bean into the air, trying to catch it in his mouth. It bounced off his face, clattering to the floor. Remus ate his own bean then began gagging at the medicinal taste which made his friends laugh.
"Wh—why would you want to—to do that?" he choked out, eyes watering a bit. He flicked the half-chewed bean into the rubbish bin.
"Are you kidding?!" Sirius demanded. "Hear the screams of the souls of the damned? Sign me up!"
Remus scrambled for a bottle of water. "So sneaking out to Hogsmeade isn't enough, you want to do it after hours!?" He took a quick swig, gagging again. "You lot are absolutely mental. Like, more than mental. No, I won't have it. You're not doing that."
"Jeez, calm down there, Brains," laughed James, tossing a bean his way. Remus fumbled with it then picked it up off the floor, wiping it off. "What's it matter if we sneak off into Hogsmeade at night anyway? Either way we're breaking tons of rules. And I want to hear the screams." James picked another bean while Remus spat out his disgusting bean, taking another swig of water. "We should do it during the full moon."
Remus spit out his entire mouthful of water, all over the floor, some of it spraying against James and Peter. "Wh—wh-wh-why w-would you—you d-d-do th—that?!"
"Um... because it'd make it even scarier?" James asked, wiping the water off his jeans. "Or Halloween."
"H—Halloween," Remus rasped out, trying to pretend that Sirius wasn't staring at him. "Halloween would be even scarier. I—I bet that's—that's when the screams are the—the... scariest? The most damned, certainly."
"Aw, but then we'd miss the feast," whined Peter.
James shook his head. "Nah, we could go after the feast. Be there at midnight."
"Wouldn't that make it November first and not Halloween?" Sirius asked with a smirk. "Shouldn't we go there on October thirtieth, then, and be there when it's midnight and turns over to the thirty-first?"
"No way," James argued. "Halloween lasts till dawn. Ooh! Speaking of Halloween we need to figure out our prank this year because fireworks are not going to cut it..."
They began discussing ideas of pranks to pull at the Halloween feast which was much safer territory than going to the house in Hogsmeade during a full moon. Remus fought to keep his hand from shaking as he took another sip of water. His heart was racing at a million miles an hour and he sort of wanted to cry. James's words repeated in his head, the image of them going to the house filled his entire brain. The hazy thought of them doing this felt like it was trying to peel off some of his skin, clawing into him, digging deep. His stomach was hurting even worse, bile rising up.
It really didn't help that Sirius's eyes kept drifting back to Remus, studying him.
"S—scuze me, I-I need to..." Remus got up, quickly leaving the dorm, running into the bathroom. He banged into one of the stalls and crashed to his knees, vomiting into the toilet. He flushed then slid to the ground, pulling his top up over his face so he could weep quietly. Of course Sirius followed him in. "It w-was a—a very bad—bad bean," he moaned.
Sirius's shoes stopped outside the stall door. "Is that what upset you?"
"Up... set? I'm not upset," Remus croaked out, wiping his dribbling nose off on the fabric. His skin began to feel itchy.
"Can I come in?"
"N... no?" Remus pushed his hand up his other sleeve and began scratching at his arm, trying desperately to stop the sensation.
"Oh. Well. Um. Okay. If you need anything, um, yeah. I'm here for you, okay?"
He dug his nails in as deep as they could go, tears welling up, wishing he could just be NORMAL. That he could be distressed without feeling like his skin wasn't his own. "Yeah, th—thanks. I'm fine though. Bad bean."
"Right."
He left the bathroom and Remus let out a slightly relieved sigh. He yanked his top back down, slowly getting up so he could wash his face off. It was obvious Sirius knew something was up, Remus just hoped he hadn't sussed it yet. He looked at his pale reflection, knowing he had overreacted. Spitting out the water like that. He needed to take things in stride. Freaking out like that only made things worse.
He washed his face again, forced his lips into a smile, and returned to the dorm.
/\/\/\/\/\
It was the full moon. Wolf-Remus paced in the house, drool dripping out onto the bloodied floors as he heard voices outside the walls. His friends. They were trying to get in, to find the cursed ghosts. Somehow they got one of the windows open, climbing in. Remus waited in the darkness, muscles tense. He watched as they made their way into the house, pointing out all the blood everywhere. They came into the living room, Sirius in the lead. I knew it! he shouted, pointing at Remus who lunged forward. Sirius screamed, begging for mercy as Remus pinned him to the floor. Sirius thrashed while James and Peter cried out, grabbing at Remus, trying to pull him off. A drop of slobber landed on Sirius's terrified face as Remus bent his muzzle in. He stretched his mouth open, jaws surrounding Sirius's head, then crunched down, hot blood spurting everywhere—
"NOOO! Stay AWAY! Go AWAY! Please—I'm—s-s-sorry—"
He jerked upright, gasping for air then immediately began clawing at his jaw, still tasting Sirius's blood in his mouth. No... his own blood... he had bitten his tongue in his sleep. He fell back, sobbing.
"I'm f—fine!" he cried out when Sirius approached his bed. "I'm fine, j-just go back to bed!" He didn't want to see Sirius. He could still see Sirius underneath him, head disappearing in his mouth, hearing the sound of his fangs going into his skin, the feel of his skull crushing.
Sirius got into Remus's bed, ignoring his pleas. "Remus, what happened?" he asked.
Remus curled up away from him. "Just a nightmare. Fine. I'm f-f-fine."
"You definitely don't sound fine."
"I'm not... I mean, I am. I—I'm okay. Please." He couldn't look at him. He knew what he'd see if he did. Gouges in his face.
Sirius touched his arm. "Remy—"
He pulled away, on the very edge of his bed now. "I can't. Please just go back to bed. Please."
"Remy, it can't be... normal to—"
That set him on edge. He sat up, glaring at Sirius. "Then put the damned spells on your curtains!"
Sirius recoiled. His face was smooth. No bite marks. No blood. "Th—that isn't what I was meaning. I said it all wrong. I was trying to say that you sound really... scared. Like... really, really scared. You normally don't sound great but this seems worse than you've had in a while."
Remus breathed in and out slowly, trying to keep himself calm. "It doesn't matter. It's merely nightmares."
"Merely?" Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Come on. You can tell me about them."
Sure, let me just tell you that I literally bit your face off, he thought bitterly. Then all the anger ebbed out of his body and he slumped down, rubbing his eyes. "I don't remember them."
"Liar," Sirius said very flatly.
Remus glanced back up, then away as he didn't want Sirius's accusing eyes meeting his own fearful ones. "Doesn't matter. Even if I did remember them I don't want to talk about them."
Sirius remained silent for several seconds, breathing a little hard. Obviously annoyed. Remus wanted to snap at him again but kept his tongue. Finally he sighed. "All right. Just know that—that I'm willing to listen. To anything you need to talk about. If it's stuff you don't want the others to know about, I can keep a secret."
Remus struggled for a few seconds, head hurting, chest hurting, skin still not feeling right from earlier. "They're usually about... my illness..." he whispered, laying back down, back to his friend, not wanting to look at him again. "Okay?"
"Oh."
"Being bedridden," he quickly added, regretting immediately saying anything. "Wasting into nothing."
"Remy..."
"Or, or my mum... wasting away. Dying. Th—that sort of thing. Not always. Just usually. I don't..."
"Yeah," Sirius said quietly. "I know, you don't like talking about that. Thank you for, um, sharing that with me. I'm not gonna judge or anything. I definitely won't tell the others."
"Thank you."
"Do you... need me to stay with you for a bit? Maybe chat about other things again?"
"I just want to be alone right now."
"'Kay." Sirius shifted his weight. "If you need anything just wake me up."
"Okay, thank you."
He heard Sirius retreat to his own bed then quickly got Gwyllgi out from under his pillows. He still tasted the blood.
