Thank you for the reviews.
... Umm... how... how can I put this? I promise you I do love my boy... And I have hated doing this to him. And... I think... you might have already guessed that happens in this chapter... I mean... I am sorry...
Third of the three-part series of Tommy's first term at university.
Next chapter is more about Tommy's university life but it is definitely a better chapter than the ones that I have just given you... Okay? Does that make up for what I've put my poor boy through?
Just Say I'm Your Son
Tommy only went into the cafe because he had skipped breakfast because he thought he was going to be late for Kim. He only chose that cafe because a friend worked there and he knew that he could get a free cold drink if he bought a pastry.
It was a bunch of coincidences that led Tommy to be face to face with his father for the first time in five years.
"What the hell are you doing here?" His dad said.
"I'm getting something to eat."
"I mean, what are you doing in Manchester?"
"I'm at university. MMU. Doing primary ed."
"Of course you would want to be a bloody teacher."
"What's wrong with being a teacher?" Tommy shook his head as his dad didn't reply. "You still can't see Mum for the teacher that she is."
"You don't know what she was like back then."
"I could take a stab at passionate, determined, that never-giving-up attitude."
"Your mother was a control freak."
"Takes one to know one. But no. You just never fully understood the pressure she was under. You never understood that she needed the school. Did you actually know Mum or… did you know Amanda and just hoped that Mum was the same person?"
"Of course I know Rachel."
"I… think we will have to agree to disagree."
His dad looked like he was going to say something else when the woman Tommy had seen him out with, came up to his father's side and grabbed his arm. His dad smiled at her, a smile Tommy felt like he knew too well.
"Everything alright?" He asked her.
"Yeah, I just wondered where you got to."
The woman smiled politely at Tommy, obviously too polite to ask the question. Silence fell between them as it seemed clear that his dad wasn't going to introduce him.
"Aren't you going to introduce us?" Tommy said.
"This is Anna, my girlfriend. Anna, this is Tommy."
"Nice to meet you," Anna said.
Tommy gave her a smile but was still waiting for his father to say how they knew each other.
"Aren't you going to tell the lovely Anna how we know each other?"
If anything, he was impressed that his dad hadn't broken from his 'normal' persona yet. Obviously, trying hard to not show his true colours in front of Anna.
"You can't, can you?" Tommy continued. "You can't say it."
"Don't."
"Then just say it, Dad. Just say I'm your son."
"You never said you had a son," Anna said as she turned to his father
Tommy watched, as momentarily, his father changed into the man that he knew him as. He was angry with him again. Part of him had hoped that his dad had changed, more for Anna's sake, but it was clear that he hadn't.
"That's because he never wanted me. I was my mum's selfish decision. Not that she knows that. Or I haven't told her that. You know, I think me and Sophie have dyed my hair so much that it is finally the same colour as Mum's. It is the reason I am not your lighter shade anymore." Tommy paused. "Not that you care but I got all As in my Advanced Highers. And it wasn't Mum to say how proud of me she was. It was Eddie. I mean, are you proud of me Dad?"
He took his dad's stubborn silence as a no.
"I didn't think so." He said as he continued. "I don't know why I do it sometimes. Why I still allow you to hurt me but I do. All I have ever wanted was a little bit of your time and just for you to love me and be proud of me. But you can't even acknowledge me as your son. And I am so glad that I have Eddie in my life because he acknowledges me. I have almost stopped correcting people when they call him my dad. Because he is my dad. He… he has been a better dad in the last six years than you were for the first 12 of my life. You spoke about how Mum had turned me against you but… I know you didn't want me. I… I have never truly been your son. And everything you did at the… Well, I think that just showed the person that you really are."
His dad went to open his mouth but Tommy just couldn't take what was going to come out of it. He had given him the opportunity. It wasn't his fault that he blew it.
"Look, I can't keep Kim waiting," Tommy said before he stormed off.
Kim was exactly where she had told him to meet him and she had instantly caught onto his mood.
"Can we just go?" He said when she started to fuss over him.
"Of course."
They had only taken a couple of steps when he heard his name being called. They both turned to see that Anna had followed him.
"What did you mean? About your dad back there?" Anna asked.
"I…"
"Tommy, I need to know."
"Then ask him about Christmas 2016. I think that will help sum up the person he is. You will know, if he is lying, when he can't keep eye contact with you and he starts to scratch the back of his neck."
"Come on Tommy," Kim said.
He looked up to see his dad only a few metres away. It would show the man that he is if he told Anna. Whether that be the truth or she caught him out lying.
Tommy didn't really know what he was staring at when Kim returned with their drinks. They were in her office at the school she worked at. Somewhere quiet and where they wouldn't be disturbed.
His eyes struggled to refocus and he found himself picking up his tea and pushing his palms into the hot mug. Another habit he had picked up from his mother.
"How do you want to go about this?" Kim asked.
"How much has Dex told you?" He said as he put the mug back down.
"Only that you really scared him that night. I've never seen him so worried before."
"I told Eddie. After our first Christmas together. I think he knew something was up. Even offered his card when Mum and Sophie was talking about looking in the sales. Because he knew that I might tell him if I knew we were alone." Tommy paused. "Dad… I've come to the conclusion that Dad." He shook his head. "I haven't come to any conclusion. Dad never wanted me. I was always my mother's selfish decision. I used to think that it was just that he didn't want me as his son. That used to hurt a lot. Then the thoughts came that he was jealous. After… that Christmas, I've always had this… I suppose, urge to be with Mum. Like I could protect her. The simplicity of a five-year-old's mind."
"I don't think so. I think you were a young boy that didn't really understand what was happening or why it happened."
"I can just about remember Mum wanting me to be near her."
"And as horrible as it sounds, that would have conditioned you into thinking that you had to be near her."
"I was seven when he first told me. He told me that he wished I had never been born and that everything was great between him and Mum before I was born. He blamed everything on me. It was just words. I… I was nine when he threw me against a wall. Had this massive bruise on my back that… I somehow managed to hide from everyone. My… my evidence at the trial was a book that I started after that night. A sort of diary of everything that happened between my parents and what happened between me and my dad."
He pressed the palm of his hands into his eyes. "I hate him. And I hate that he used me against mum like he did in the trail. He always made out that I was precious to him but he couldn't give a damn about me and." He sighed as he looked back up at Kim. "I hate that he can still hurt me like this and I hate that he doesn't have to worry and I hate that he can find someone else and I hate that he can find happiness. I hate him. I hate him so much.
"But I still want him to be proud of me. I want him to recognise what I have achieved and what I could achieve and I want him to… I just wanted him to introduce me as his son. All he had to say was 'This is Tommy, my son'. I… I just wanted him to acknowledge me, not like Eddie does, because he would never acknowledge me like that, but… He is still my dad. I call him Dad. He doesn't deserve to be called Dad."
"Some men can be fathers but that doesn't make them dads," Kim said as she wiped away her tears. "It was something that I told Dex when he was seven and asked me why Max shouted at him like he did. It's like, every mother isn't going to be a good mum. And looking for some sort of validation from him still is only natural Tommy. If Dex ran into Max, I would think that he would want the exact same thing."
"I never realised how Eddie and Sophie picked up on my moods. How they always knew when I was probably thinking things I shouldn't be thinking. I just… I feel alone and I don't like it."
"Things do get better Tommy and this is probably because you are used to having Sophie and Eddie and Rachel constantly around you. I mean, you were basically with them 24/7 and now they are 200 miles away." She sighed. "You are always welcomed at ours. Whether it is just to play video games with Dex or just because you want to be in a household that knows you a little better. I also want you to come tonight for dinner. Just so I know that you have had a homemade hot dinner this week. I would like it if we made it a weekly thing."
"Yeah, maybe."
"And I think it would be worth speaking to someone on campus. They can give you support and help you out."
"Will do." He paused. "Plus, I'm going to stop drinking alcohol. Until I sort out my head enough not to use it as a way of coping."
"Good idea. You're not alone here Tommy."
He smiled at her, feeling a little better. It was a start. That was all he needed. To start to feel better.
"Hey, Mum."
"The daily call."
"Spoke to Kim today."
"Good."
"I forget that she is easy to open up to."
"Best head of pastoral care I have ever worked with."
"I… I bumped into Dad earlier."
"Oh, Tommy."
"Met his girlfriend, Anna. Seems like a nice person."
"Why do I sense that there is more to this?"
"I… may have said a few things that I have wanted to say for a while. She followed me after I left them and she asked about what I said. I told her to ask Dad about that Christmas, telling her the little tells when he is lying."
"Are you hoping that he told her the truth?"
"I think it would show that he had changed. I was right to do that, wasn't I?"
"Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you just saved her from the same misery we went through."
"Or I just started it for her."
"How are you feeling?"
"Better. I've actually just got back from having dinner with Kim and Dex. Kim wants to make sure that I have one homemade dinner a week."
"Not a bad idea."
"It was nice. Went a bit early for it so I could talk to Dex. I really wished I did grow up with him."
"In another life, you did."
"Another life. Another timeline. Doesn't make up for the fact that I didn't this time around."
"No probably not."
He found himself smiling as he asked about her day and how things were going. He closed his eyes to try and imagine that she was sitting next to him as she was talking to him, something he took a great amount of comfort in doing.
