Author's Note: ...
"And so Rolf will extend the honor of best man to Kevin, who has earned his place among Rolf's family as an honorary kinsman!" Rolf explained as he sat on a fence in the lane. Nazz shivered next to him with her Suzette mask on in case a certain bald hippie tried to talk to her. On the other side of the farmer boy sat Edd, who was busy collecting notes for a future missionary trip he was planning to Rolf's old country. Ed, Sarah, Jonny, and Dutch all sat a ways down the lane playing a death-defying game of truth-or-dare.
"I appreciate it and all Rolf, but I still wanna know if polyamory is a tradition for you," Kevin asked in annoyance from in front of Rolf on his newly refurbished bike that was safe from the prying eyes of law enforcement. "If it is, then this whole forced marriage thing with Nazz is a done deal to me and I'll bring a bottle of wine to the reception. Then we'll get a second wedding between me and Nazz out of the way so we can all move in together."
"Rolf must check the holy scripture Papa keeps under lock and key in the shed for guidance on this polyamory you speak of!"
"And after I'm finished with these detailed notes, I'll check up on local laws to make sure sixteen is the legal age in our state!" Edd chimed in helpfully.
"It feels good to be wanted so badly... keep telling yourself that, Nazz..." Nazz babbled under her breath as she felt Rolf's ironclad grip on her wrist tighten further.
"My turn to spin the bottle!" Jonny cheered before grabbing hold of the empty liquor bottle Ed had swiped from his dad. He gave it a good twirl and he and his opponents watched eagerly as the top pointed at each of them over and over again.
"I swear if it lands on me again and you guys dare me to give Sarah a hug for the tenth time, I'm going to have a conniption!" Dutch panicked as Sarah rubbed her hands devilishly beside him.
"Don't listen to him, Jonny! The hug dare is still hilarious!" Sarah egged on as she decided she would pinch Dutch's bottom next time to celebrate ten hugs in a row.
*Guffaws* stop picking dare then dutch ahahaha u must have a self esteem problem," Ed taunted giddily. The empty-headed boy's optimism disappeared in a puff of smoke when the bottle landed on him.
"Thank you lady luck! I knew you wouldn't abandon me in my hour of need!" Dutch exclaimed.
"*Guffaws* ur happy now but just wait till my next dare ahahaha okay jonny hit me"
"We all wish we could, buddy!" Jonny joked as brief expressions of dark intent appeared on he, Dutch, and Sarah's normally cheerful mugs. "Truth or dare, big guy!"
"*Guffaws* i will show u worms how to wiggle ahahaha dare this big guy"
"Dare Ed to hug Sarah! Do it now, Jonny!" Dutch begged as a mortified look appeared on Sarah's face.
"I dare Ed to dare Dutch to hug Sarah!" Jonny spit out before falling backwards in laughter.
"*Guffaws* i do declare that i dare ya dutch ahahaha," Ed did declare.
"Why must an artist suffer so?!" Dutch cried before giving a beaming Sarah a miserable hug.
"*Guffaws* my turn to spin dads trusty potion ahahaha git ready to feel da heat now," Ed said before twisting his arm until it was wound tight. He put it on top of the bottle and released his arm, spinning the bottle so hard it created a miniature typhoon.
"I shouldn't complain about it, but I hope it lands on me! I'm ready for any dare you can throw at me!" Jonny said as Dutch yelped from Sarah pinching his butt. The bottle stopped spinning and landed on Sarah.
"Hug over! Your turn to suffer as I!" Dutch said before shrinking away from Sarah's touch.
"*Guffaws* and suffer she shall ahahaha truth or dare baby sister," Ed asked before snickering like a dope.
"Pick dare! Please, Sarah?!" Dutch asked as he leaned toward her. "You're so tough you can take whatever your brother can shoot at you!"
"Nice try on the flattery but I pick truth!" Sarah shot back before turning to her brother. "Now ask me whatever you want, big lug that I love to hug!"
"*Guffaws* do you and everyone else still hate eddy"
Sarah stared at him as her face dropped to a distant stare. Dutch and Jonny watched from the sidelines, not being able to decide whether to look at Ed or Sarah at the moment.
"Oh crap! I just heard Kevin call us over!" Sarah exclaimed as she slapped her hands over her cheeks. "Guess it's game over for now!"
"*Guffaws* i didn't hear anything ahahaha does kevin have a dog whistle only u can hear," Ed asked.
"Actually it's a dog whistle that everyone but you can hear! Let's go see what Kevin wants!" Dutch quickly added as he, Sarah, and Jonny scrambled away from Ed as quickly as possible.
"*Guffaws* makes sense i cant hear it ahahaha i aint no bitch," Ed joked before running after them.
"You wanted to talk to us right now and it couldn't wait, Kevin?" Sarah questioned as her truth-or-dare partners all lined up behind her at Kevin's beck and call.
"Shit, good timing," Kevin replied, since Sarah's entrance had stopped the heated argument between Rolf and Edd about whether a law banning the import of cursed phones should be passed. "I waved you guys over because Double D wanted to ask you guys something!"
"I did?!" Edd questioned before looking around at everyone, who looked at him expectantly. "Ah yes, perhaps I did! It must have slipped my mind during that lurid exchange about mythical communication hexes!"
"Remember that Rolf tried to give you fair warning, bean-bag-head Ed-boy!" Rolf seethed bitterly.
"Yes, well, now that Ed and his playmates are back at our sides, I actually do want to ask about one little thing," Edd stated as he rubbed the back of his hand nervously.
"Shoot for it, bro," Kevin replied as he rested his legs across the handlebars of his pilfered bike.
"I had resisted the urge to bring it up so it wouldn't put a damper on our otherwise jovial conversation, but curiosity has gotten the better of me," Edd began before releasing a breath of air. "Why exactly is the lane covered in threats against my life?" The talking sockhat gestured to the various anti-Ed-boy screeds scrawled in messy spray paint across the fences.
Though all the messages were hilariously grim, the three best ones were "In case of dumb brothers, aim for the head", "When nerds die, they graduate to Hell", and "Do your part for the community and commit midget murder today".
"*Guffaws* just against your life huh ahahaha big britches you got there mind if i try em on for size," Ed replied as he crossed his arms, his wounded pride snapping at his heels.
"Come on, buddies! How do you know those are even about you guys?" Jonny asked as he and Sarah shot guilty looks over at Kevin and Dutch.
"Well I don't know, Jonny! I would chalk it up to happenstance that they appear to be talking about my best friends and I if it weren't for the crudely drawn caricatures of our faces next to every message!" Edd pointed out hastily.
"Here's the thing..." Jonny started.
"Yeah well don't..." Sarah began.
"Dudes, it's just..." Kevin initiated.
The Anti-Dork Jarheads all tried to cook up an explanation, but were experiencing a case of too many cooks in the dork kitchen.
"We were kinda hoping you guys wouldn't notice all that complete malarky!" Dutch exclaimed, desperately hoping his cooking skills had improved in the last five minutes.
"*Guffaws* how da fuck would we not notice that," Ed asked innocently.
"Well now that you did notice it, lemme tell you that we had nothing to do with it!" Sarah reassured her brother before hopping on his shoulders for a playful piggyback ride.
"We all know the Kankers totally did that shit anyway," Kevin said dismissively.
"A-Ah, well I'm sure those three want to do something to us but I'm not quite sure it's murder..." Edd sputtered out unintentionally before crossing his legs on instinct.
"I wish it was just murder, man..." Nazz muttered quietly, wrapping her arms around herself as visions of a labyrinth of alley ways appeared before her in the darkness of her paper bag helmet.
"Nope! It was definitely them and not one or all of us!" Jonny chimed in as he threw an arm around Dutch and gave him a friendly noogie.
"That's a shame, I had the tiniest bit of hope they would drop their wicked ways and come around as all of you have," Edd moped as he scratched at the top of a fence post.
"Don't worry bro, I have a feeling you'll be seeing them pretty soon and you'll have all the time in the world to get them to come around," Kevin said smoothly from his bike hammock.
"*Guffaws* why do u have the kankers on speed dial ready to rock and roll ahahaha," Ed asked fearfully.
"No I mean that I decided to throw a party for Friendship Day!" Kevin swiftly corrected as he sat up on his bike with the quickness and darted his eyes around nervously. "Which I just remembered is tomorrow! A party tomorrow on Friendship Day to celebrate our new friends!"
"Oh come now, that's a overdoing it a tad! An entire party to celebrate Ed and I really isn't necessary!" Edd said bashfully as he kicked his feet.
"Shit well then we'll just have a little get-together or whatever at-"
"No no! A great big bash for us is just the ticket!" Edd interrupted to fix his poor attempt at humility.
"*Guffaws* just a party for me and double dee ahahaha wut about our new gal pal suzette," Ed asked as Sarah played the top of his head like a bongo drum.
"We'll see, man! Whether or not I show up all depends on the guest list!" Nazz said gruffly before taking a peek out from under her Food Lion bag and shooting an eye at Kevin.
"Everyone is gonna be there, Suzette!" Kevin said back cuttingly. "And I mean everyone." He nodded his head over at Jonny, who was giving Nazz a suspicious look.
"Then I'm totally in, man!" Nazz announced as she pulled the paper bag back down. "Are we all meeting at your place tomorrow, Kevi Wevi?!"
"Hey, only Nazz and my parents get to call me that, Suzette!" Kevin taunted as he pointed up at her, Nazz groaning in response. "But we ain't gonna party at my house, even if it is the coolest place in town! The bash is gonna be at that old haunted house down the street!"
"O-Oh, does it really have to be there of all places?!" Edd asked in fear, eliciting a chuckle from Rolf.
"So the cock-in-sock Ed-boy shrivels at the thought of phantoms yet does not heed Rolf's words about magic talking boxes?" Rolf prodded.
"There were once things worse than ghosts that haunted that house..." Edd squeaked out.
"*Guffaws* since its a spooky haunted house for the ed party ahahaha we should all live it up in costumes," Ed suggested happily. Kevin reached into the collar of his sweater and pulled out a napkin with the words "Decree of Lee" scrawled at the top.
"Well it doesn't say shit about a costume party on this napkin, but I'm a rebel so fuck it!" Kevin declared before stuffing the napkin back into his collar. "Costume party it is! That means you geeks better all dress to impress tomorrow because I'm gonna judge your sorry asses to see who's got the best getup!"
"Oh man, I guess I'm wearing the first piece of my costume already," Nazz lamented.
"Max grooviness! I already got my costume ready to go in my bedroom closet!" Jonny exclaimed.
"Amazing foresight, Jonny!" Edd complimented before rubbing his chest to calm his nerves. "I suppose I'll have to dig around to see if I have some cockamamie outfit from over the years that still fits!"
"You can come over my house and help me pick out a costume, Dutch!" Sarah suggested, although it felt more like a demand to Dutch.
"I'll humor you this one time! But if I'm coming over, I'm gonna make sure our costumes match!" Dutch replied, swallowing his fear that Sarah would try to seduce him with a runway model show.
"Rolf will trump you all when he prances through the door like a ninny in his carnival attire!" Rolf stated confidentially.
"Uh oh man, guess that means you'll have to let me go eventually so you can change!" Nazz said hopefully.
"Don't be foolish! Rolf knows you will not see a thing with this thing on your head thing!" he shot back as he poked at Nazz's paper defense box.
"*Guffaws* u are the foolish thing because my costume will bring down da house ahahaha but i hope eddy is there to see me kill it live," Ed proclaimed.
"Eddy's totally got an invite too if you two coolgeeks can crack that geekshell he's balled up in!" Kevin replied.
"We'll give it the old college try! It's not like Eddy to miss a party so this might be our best chance!" Edd said as he and Ed exchanged hopeful glances.
"Choice. I gotta race off now to start getting this party set up, but since my wallet took a shit ton of dings these past two weeks, I'm gonna need everyone to pitch in for a buffet and some entertainment! Don't let it slip your geekheads that the party is tomorrow night! Be there and be geek!" Kevin explained in detail before revving up the back wheel of his bike and shooting off down the lane, running over several spray cans and a screaming backscratcher as he departed.
"I can't hear you! I can't hear you!" Jonny exclaimed before plugging his ears with his fingers to stop the pleas for help from his former favorite hunk of wood.
"Jonny the wood pagan is right! We cannot waste time hearing when we must make preparations!" Rolf announced before jumping from the fence and taking Nazz down with him. "Rolf shall take his bride-to-be back to the kitchen so we may slave over a hot stove to ensure Rolf's contribution to the buffet is perfect!"
"*Guffaws* i can help too rolf ahahaha as long as suzette takes me as a third husband," Ed said.
"Rolf's bed only has room for three! Defeat chin-on-wheels Kevin in a duel and his spot shall be yours!" Rolf answered before dragging Nazz off with him, who muttered about trailer hitches the entire way.
"Ready to make like Suzette and hook up to my silly little trailer hitches?" Sarah asked before clamping her claws around Jonny and Dutch's collars.
"Oh boy! Where are ya hauling us off to next?!" Jonny asked, excited about his new life of being drug like a corpse by Ed's little sister.
"To the grocery store for my favorite girly crap past time: shopping!" Sarah replied before heaving the two boys behind her in a twin exhaust plume of dirt.
"*Guffaws* happy trails baby sister ahahaha," Ed yelled after her before turning to Edd, who jumped off the fence and pulled a splinter from his gigantic ass.
"Even with all this excitement coursing through my veins over Kevin's Friendship Day party, I fear it will be muted once we pay a visit to Eddy!" Edd complained as Ed danced around.
"*Guffaws* i wish i could mute planks screams ahahaha now stop bawling and lets drop the ed party news on eddy"
"Round two it is then! I'd hate to have to recalculate all my math equations anyway now that he's removed himself as a variable," Edd commented before trudging off with Ed to try and bust Eddy out of his mental lock up.
Eddy was sprawled in front of the television in his living room like a burn victim as the light from the Glippo marathon washed over his body. He reached out and laid a hand on the screen, feeling static play across his fingers. "Never leave my side again, Glippo old buddy," Eddy muttered before sliding his hand across the carpet and grabbing the remote. He would have to hide it in his underwear so that his dad didn't try to change the channel when he got home. When Eddy sat up and unzipped his jeans to tuck it away for safe-keeping, he spotted two sexy dorks with their faces pressed up against his window.
"Eddy, I know this whole ordeal must be difficult for you, but for God's sake jacking off to cartoons is the bottom of the barrel!" Edd lectured, his plead for common sense muffled through the waxy sheen of the glass.
"D*** sockhead stop busting my balls, I only did that like one time so far!" Eddy retorted before stuffing the remote into his middle pocket next to his crotch rocket. "Now it's curtains for you two pestering jerks!" He leaped over the television like a hurdle and grabbed hold of the curtains.
"*Guffaws* wait eddy not yet ahahaha i have sumthin important to tell u," Ed said desperately as he pressed his face against the center of the window.
"Spit it out and then the peepshow is over!"
"*Guffaws* turn that teevee around ahahaha i gotta crank one out too"
"Hardy har! Now hit the road you chodes!" Eddy ordered before drawing the curtains shut and turning away in a huff.
"Swell job, Edward! You wasted our only opportunity to actually tell him something important!" Edd complained from outside the window, Eddy still listening in because he missed his cute buddies.
"*Guffaws* im sorry double dee ur rite ahahaha now eddy will never know that we found the secret shrine nazz dedicated to him in her attic," Ed revealed as he and the living sockhat shot amused faces expectantly at the drawn shut curtains. They remained closed.
"If you think I'm gonna let Ed fool me twice you got another f***ing thing comin'!" Eddy's voice screamed from the stark loneliness of his house.
"I don't even know what to think about you at this point!" Edd retorted before leaning against the glass. "However since it did prove you're still with us after all, then there is important news you should know of!"
"S***, don't tell me Rolf gouged his eyes out with a potato peeler again?!"
"*Guffaws* even better ahahaha kevin is throwing an ed party and were all invited eddy mcgee," Ed revealed with glee.
"I must've been the real brains of the group if you a**clowns actually thought Ed could fool me three times!" Eddy's voice heckled.
"That perky little quip from Ed was real this time! Kevin has invited us three to a costume party at the old haunted house down the street for Friendship Day!" Edd answered.
"How the f*** did you get us an invite? Did you bend over for him and take a big one for the team, sockhead?!"
"That would've been my last resort but I was too tuckered out for that!" Edd replied hastily. "Spare me more of your sarcasm and think this through for a moment! This is what we wanted, isn't it?! And now we have it! The others have not only accepted us but are now willing to show their faces at a social event with us!"
"You should know by now that I don't know what the f*** I really want!" Eddy's voice shouted back. "Now scram or my fat bat is coming out to play again!"
"I shall repeat myself since you clearly did not hear me! You are invited to a party, Eddy! A party for the love of God!"
"I'm having plenty of fun throwing my own private shindig right here!"
"I just don't get it, Eddy. Why won't you go?" Edd asked.
"I don't know..." Eddy bleated out as he stopped slapping his willy to Glippo. He didn't know, for the most part anyway. He had put in a decade and then some of work to try to impress the gaggle of goobers in the Cul-De-Sac. He did enjoy being an outlaw from time to time, but he had always dreamed of being popular enough for even just one of the kids to desire his presence. In the past he always had to forcefully insert himself in their good times, whether to scam them or simply to show off, but now it was the inverse for once in his life. That was just it though; why would they choose to include him and his two friends in something now? He quieted that thought, knowing it was fucked up to downplay Edd's mathematical talents. It was all thanks to that notebook and the efforts they had put in. Now the kids were coming around to them while Eddy was locked up cumming around his house. That part was all thanks to the Kankers, who he hadn't even fucking seen in person since chapter eight.
"*Guffaws* Eddy?" Ed's voice called out from behind the closed curtains. Eddy winced and he made his decision on gut instinct, and fortunately he had plenty of gut. He wasn't going to let the invisible hands of the Kankers control him anymore.
"I'll be there, guys," Eddy answered back before tearing a sex slavery contract in half.
"Sheesh, I think I'm gonna have a full head of hair before we get outta this shop..." Jonny complained as he sat on top of a bin of discount costume pieces with his chin resting on his hand. Sarah and Dutch were admiring themselves in a mirror nearby. After stopping by the Food Lion to pick up goodies for the Friendship Day party and tearing down wanted posters with Kevin's face on them for dinging cars and committing blood-drenched vandalism with his fists, the three of them had stopped by the Peach Creek Costume Emporium. It was a fiercely guarded secret among the kids, but this is actually where they picked up all their crazy get-ups because piercing your thumb with a sewing needle is some painful shit.
"Drop yer trousers and draw, partner!" Dutch said in his giddy up cowboy outfit before pointing a turkey baster at his reflection.
"You are such a card, Dutch! I shall be the Belle of the ball with you as my date!" Sarah said haughtily in her rich bitch attire as she played with a string of fake pearls hanging from her neck.
"Darn it, this isn't going to work either!" Dutch let out in frustration before throwing the turkey baster at Jonny's head. "There's not a matching pair of costumes that fit our budget! Not to mention a dangerous outlaw like Dutch the Snake wouldn't be caught dead with a Countess unless it was to tie her to some railroad tracks!"
"I'm not really feeling it either, but it's still better than the stinky skunk outfit Jonny kept asking me to wear," Sarah commented as she cast her pearls before the swine accompanying her.
"If you and cowlick here can't find some duds that fit together then you might as well go as Melonhead's sidekick, Sarah!" Jonny reasoned as he stuck his mitten into the folds of the bargain bin. "If you don't wanna go with me as the Skunk Punk, then how does becoming my other apprentice the Brat Rat sound?!" he asked, holding up a the skinned remains of a sewer rodent with a buck fifty price tag stapled to it.
"I don't care what weird way you say it, I will never go on a date with you or your alter-ego! So can it before I make you drink rat poison!" Sarah threatened, letting down her hair out of a ponytail she had pulled it in.
"And what happened to Splinter anyway?" Dutch inquired as he wiped at a fake serpent tattoo on his face with his shoulder stuffing.
"That traitor replaced Professor Scam as my arch nemesis, that's what happened!" Jonny replied bitterly. "You will learn the price of betrayal, Dark Shard, when the melon seed of justice pierces your heart..." he added as he stared out into space.
"Oh great, now he's day dreaming about Plank running into a gang of lumberjacks again!" Sarah bitched before turning to Dutch. "I told you we should've chained him outside!"
"And spend even a second alone with you? Not a chance, sister!" Dutch said before sliding away from the now wounded tween. "We can just ignore him and continue our fashion show!" He then threw aside the used shoulder stuffing before thrusting his hands into a pile of costume pieces not even fit for the bargain bin under Jonny's ass.
"We already checked that stack, dummy! Or did you forget those tacky mailbox helmets we tried on?"
"Mock me all you want but get a load of these!" Dutch exclaimed before holding up two pairs of diapers. Sarah's eyes watered up and she pinched her nose as she recoiled.
"I think there is already a load in those! I'm not going as a stupid baby, you stupid baby!"
"Not as any old babies, but as cute little baby cupids!" Dutch replied before shoving a diaper into Sarah's hands where it wasn't wanted.
"That's your big idea for matching costumes? Both of us walking into the party in nothing but diapers?" Sarah questioned, maddened that Dutch's IQ had dropped to match Ed's.
"We can always pick up a couple of pairs of fairy wings and grab some bows from the dangerous weapons aisle!"
"Okay, you convinced me. But we oughta try on these things first before running to the check out counter," Sarah suggested before beginning to pull her snobby dress off.
"Slow your roll, girlfriend! You can't go topless for the costume like I can!" Dutch warned, fearing the feds ready to kick in the author's trailer door.
"Are you sure you don't want me to?" Sarah asked before putting her face in Dutch's and grinning at him.
"Nope and if you need me I'll be fetching a bow to shoot arrows at Jonny's head!" Dutch cried before leaving a trail of misery to the safety of another aisle.
"Aren't you gonna tell him that he's still got that snake tattoo on his face?" Jonny asked as his fantasy about Plank being a guest of honor at a chainsaw party subsided.
"He'll figure it out eventually," Sarah replied with a grimace as she balanced a permanent marker on her finger. "It suites him anyway."
Rolf stood outside of the partially open door of Nazz's bathroom, his arm stuck through the crack as he feasted on a ripely picked beet. "Rolf can hardly contain his boredom," he muttered between chews. He was made for hauling hay bales and milking cow udders with his feet, not standing around in hallways like a coat rack.
"Almost done, dude! I would've been finished changing like five minutes earlier, but I totally have this weird dude holding my hand for ransom!" Nazz shouted out from inside the lavatory.
"Your hand shall not leave mine until your father agrees to pay Rolf the dowry he is owed!" Rolf shot back before finishing off his meal and licking the dirt granules from his fingers.
"Don't mind my old man, dude, he just hates when he has to dip into my college fund!" Nazz replied as the door swung open at last. "Is my costume the shit or what?" she asked as Rolf stared at her school cheerleader outfit in disappointment.
"That is not a wedding dress."
"It totally isn't, it's my excuse to not spend any money on this get-together if it kills me!" Nazz cheered before shaking a pom-pom in the only hand she had that wasn't shackled to Rolf. "I'll be needing to save up some dough anyway for my bachelorette party! Gonna need to throw a big one to deal with my future cleaning up after snotty kids in a thatched cottage with you!"
"The future frightens Rolf as well! The day my own flesh and blood calls Rolf his big dad dude will be the death of him!" Rolf lamented as Nazz stretched her legs in case she had a bust out a surprise cheer routine.
"Let's change the subject then! What are you gonna go as, Rolf?"
"Rolf is Rolf. What else would Rolf be?"
"A loving husband and father?" Nazz asked, her mind already stretching back to the grim fate that awaited her.
"Rolf has no time for such frivolities," he replied when a door bell rung out. "But Rolf does have time to entertain a guest!" He pulled Nazz into her living room with his trailer hitch and answered the door.
"What's the haps, Nazz-" Kevin began when he spotted her kidnapper. "-and Rolf?"
"Nothin' much, Heaven Kevin! Just showing off my bitchin' outfit to Rolf here!" Nazz responded before limply waving a pom-pom.
"Oh I see how it is," Kevin said before crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes. "You only dress like that when Rolf comes over to chill, huh?"
"It isn't like that! This is my costume for the party! G-Go Cobblers?!" Nazz explained to the clearly unconvinced jock.
"Nazz-girl speaks the truth! And now Rolf shall add the final piece to the puzzle!" Rolf chimed in before putting the Suzette mask over Nazz's worried face.
"Look, we'll figure out what Nazz can dress up as next time she comes to my place later. Let me inside because I've got some dark dork news I gotta spill to you guys about that party," Kevin stated, his two persnickety pals moving aside so he could enter.
"Oh no, that abandoned house didn't get condemned today, did it?" Nazz worried as she pulled up her Suzette bag.
"Babe, that house has been condemned for ages! The housing authorities ain't the problem here, it's three crusty cuntdorks that are the issue!" Kevin revealed angrily. "I was mindin' my own business, mowing the lawn at the abandoned house or some shit, when the Kankerdorks flew in out of nowhere and jumped me!"
"And Rolf wasn't even there to protect you!" Rolf cried in distress.
"They didn't drag you into an alley way, did they?" Nazz asked in concern.
"No they... they... hold on a second, bros," Kevin said before reaching into his collar and fetching a napkin. He ran his eyes down the text on it while his two friends stood in pools of sweat watching him. "No they pinned me down in the yard and twisted my nipples while asking me for some invites to my Friendship Day bash!" he explained before stuffing the napkin back down his shirt.
"How dare the switch-your-britches witches try to swindle a man of his milk!" Rolf replied angrily.
"No offense to your man milk reserves, dude, but you totally took the nipple torture with a smile and told them to, I dunno, fuck off right?" Nazz asked timidly.
"No way, Rolf wasn't there to protect me so I handed those motherfuckerin' invites over!" Kevin answered before sighing. "But I hope those three showing up ain't gonna scare you guys away!"
"Consider me scared away, dude! Have fun at the party while Rolf and I go ring shopping!"
"No, shiver-your-timbers Nazz-girl, Rolf must now go more than before so he can protect everyone!" Rolf declared with gusto.
"I knew I could count on my two main dudes to have my back," Kevin said before mowing them down with finger guns.
"And to think I'll be wearing a cheerleader outfit for easy access too..." Nazz moaned before stripping the bag from her head. "Did they at least agree not to cause any trouble and stick to the theme of the party?"
"Sure they did..." Kevin answered back, resisting the temptation to fetch his notated napkin again. "But I wouldn't worry about the Kankers too much. We'll just ditch the place if they start some bullshit, and if we're lucky they'll wear masks with their costumes so we don't have to see their freak show faces. Sound good, dudes?"
"Rolf will be there as he knows no fear!" Rolf cheered as piss ran down his leg.
"Since I'm joined with Rolf at the hip, it couldn't sound better, Kevi Bear!" Nazz giggled out crazily.
"Choice. Now I gotta pump myself up to go tell Ed and Double D about this, because I gotta brace myself for a shit storm if you guys are being this chickenshit about the Kankers," Kevin answered before making for the door. "Catch you two at the party!"
"Rolf shall catch you first!" Rolf replied as Kevin departed. He turned to Nazz, who was now breathing into her Suzette bag to calm her nerves. "Worry not, Nazz-girl, for the asshole-fister-sisters cannot hope to whisk you to the way of an alley while you are within my grasp!"
"Actually I'm already over that, dude," Nazz replied before looking up at him. "Because I just realized I'll be in a cheerleader outfit in the same room as the forbidden one." As Rolf chuckled merrily at her mounting panic attack, she prayed silently to anyone in the cosmos that would listen that this whole event would turn out well.
Kevin tapped his foot as he stared down at a stop watch he was holding in the middle of Edd's living room. It ticked up to five minutes and kept going. He turned his gaze back to the two frozen teenagers dressed as Space Outlaws before them, whose faces were stuck in contorted visages of anguish. "Shit bros, five minutes and counting. You dudes would be unstoppable if this was a damn waiting game we were playing," Kevin complained.
"Give it just a tad longer..." Edd requested, breaking his poise for a moment. A few seconds later, Ed fell backwards and vibrated on the floor and Edd unleashed a scream of mortal terror.
"Can you two spacegeeks cut the crap and give me a yes or no to if you're still coming to the party?" Kevin asked impatiently. The pair of brave Space Outlaws stopped their theatrics and shot him embarrassed expressions.
"I-I apologize for this pathetic performance we've given you," Edd replied before as his hands nervously tugged at his junkyard armor as if they had minds of their own. "It's just that Ed and I could've sworn you said something insane, like that the Kanker sisters were going to be joining us for Friendship Day!"
"*Guffaws* and if there is one thing i know ahahaha it is insanity," Ed added before stumbling to his feet and grabbing hold of Edd's shoulders so he could cower behind him.
"I won't repeat myself if it's gonna make you play one-on-one freeze tag with each other again, but that's the deal so what's the deal?" Kevin asked the bitchout boys.
"I pity that you had to suffer through a purple nurple attack from those three as Ed and I have so many times in the past, but I can't fathom any time line in which we'll be showing up to a soiree in which the Kankers are in attendance!" Edd explained as he rubbed the scars of love on his nips through his shirt.
"*Guffaws* roger that ahahaha what if may kanker tried to wrestle my rattlesnake on the dance floor," Ed sputtered out before chewing on his disgusting fingernails.
"O-Oh lord, don't say that, Ed..." Edd mumbled before lifting his hands to his face. "W-What if M-Marie cranked up the music so no one could hear my pleas for mercy?"
"*Guffaws* that would be super duper scary ahahaha what if may taped her face to mine for an infinite tongue kiss"
"M-May wouldn't actually do that, would she? B-Because then M-Marie might tape her face to my crotch for an infinite-"
"Dudes!" Kevin shouted to snap them out of their trance before the weird boner he had in his pants got any bigger. "None of that fucking nasty shit is gonna happen! The Kankers specifically promised me they wouldn't get up to any hobaggery during the party!"
"*Guffaws* a kanker promise is like sarah with scissors ahahaha it cant be trusted," Ed retorted before sticking his thumb in his mouth to make love to it with his tongue. Kevin rolled his eyes at the analogy, but Edd couldn't help but agree with the bumbling oaf. In all his experiences with their relentless pursuers, he couldn't pick out a time when taking them at their word proved to be anything but sheer naivety. His thoughts turned to his brilliant notebook of number crunching. The formulas he had written for the Kankers proved to be unsolvable even for a man of his astounding talent when they were all together. The only time the sisters ever left each others' sides was to cart either he, Ed, or Eddy off to some secluded place, and he'd rather not hedge his bets on trying to set Marie straight during some alone time with her.
"If it will calm you friendgeeks down, Rolf told me he'd protect everyone there if they try anything," Kevin explained. "Plus, I can always stuff you dudes in a cupboard if they get handsy."
"Why do you insist on us being present? I realize the entire affair is centered around Ed, Eddy, and I, but we'll hardly be there to enjoy it if we have to shiver among cobwebs under a kitchen sink!" Edd reasoned as Kevin sucked his teeth.
"Dude, I spent hours getting that house ready today and I don't want that shit to go to waste! Everyone else is showing up Kankers or no Kankers because they want to party with you geeky guys! Doesn't that mean something, bro?"
"*Guffaws* it means ed is down to clown ahahaha because i just remembered suzette is a part of everyone," Ed answered as he cheered up and fought away his doubts in the name of his new sexual conquest.
"That's one half of this geek peanut, now how about you?" Kevin asked as he pointed at Edd. "Are you gonna let some greasy skanks from a motor home keep you from blowing out some boombox speakers with the rest of us?"
"Fears of depravity from those greasy skanks aside..." Edd muttered as he mulled it over. The words of encouragement from the green and red jock Christmas tree were finally getting to him. He knew the Kankers would inevitably pull some trick from their sleeveless shirts, but this party would seal the deal with the kids and ensure he was bruise-free for once on a weekend.
"Do I need to bust out the stop watch again or are you gonna answer?"
"I'll be there gussied up in a costume with the rest of you!"
"Choice. Now where's your bathroom? Gotta piss knot in me I need to twist out."
"Go to the hallway and there should be a door helpfully labeled with a sticky note!" Edd replied, Kevin walking out of the room while performing a finger gun drive-by at him.
"*Guffaws* with the bad news delivered ahahaha we can skip trying on our birthday suit costumes," Ed stated before removing a blender cup from his head.
"I'm grateful that costume doesn't fit me anymore," Edd quipped before heading over to a telephone that had somehow survived the massacre. "In fact, I should tell Eddy not to pack his birthday suit either." His hand froze in front of the telephone. "You know, I think I'll err on the side of caution and heed Rolf's words about hexed communication devices after all." He turned back to Ed, who was struggling to remove the chrome rim protecting his internal organs. "I'll worry about informing Eddy of this troubling development later and worry about what vehicle you jacked that rim off of instead." He headed over with an exasperated sigh to help his friend before he hurt himself. He wasn't going to let a minor detail like the Kankers stop Eddy from joining them.
Not on his stopwatch.
Kevin lounged on a beat up old recliner in the corner of the foyer of the abandoned house while stress eating potato chips. He had been killing time watching the Kanker sisters move about the room while they worked, relishing every second that they didn't try and stop to have a chat with him. Marie was standing on May's shoulders near the back wall as she tried to hook the unsecured end of a banner to the second floor banister. Lee was busy sawing to pieces the decapitated bodies of Plank's parents to use as wood for the fireplace. Kevin crunched another potato chip in his mouth and gave a sly grin. He totally got to take credit for all this work.
"This'll keep our buns nice and toasty while all those goofballs are doing a conga line tomorrow night," Lee muttered to herself as she scooped up the chips of wood that raised Plank as a sapling. She stole a glance up at Marie as she finished securing the banner. "Hey Marie, that thong is riding pretty high in the back! Who are you trying to impress, Kevin or your sisters?" she cajoled before cackling. Marie twisted her head to look at Lee while pulling the back of her shirt up.
"If you like it so much, you can have it. Come over here and take it off me," Marie shot back with a snicker. Kevin swallowed hard so he wouldn't lose his lunch before glancing up at the banner.
"Why the fuck does the banner say 'Welcome Home, Double D'?" Kevin questioned while cocking up an eyebrow. "As far as I know dumbdork and scamdork are coming too, not just nerddork."
"It's an artistic choice, bonehead," Marie replied as she curled the soles of her sneakers around May's shoulders like a vulture. "But seriously. We ran out of room for Ed and Eddy's names."
"*Snort* besides double dee is the only one who could appreciate our word art lmao ed and eddy are totes illiterate," May added as Marie popped a squat on her head for a breather, Kevin slowly nodding since she'd definitely know better than him about the Eds' struggles with the English language.
"Are you absolutely sure our boyfriends ain't thinkin' about calling it quits on the party and diggin' themselves a fuck-proof foxhole instead?" Lee interrogated, dumping the evidence of her crimes against nature into the fireplace.
"Count on it, even if I have to tie the dork squad to the back of my bike and drag them here screaming," Kevin replied, Lee giving a pleased nod of approval to his tactic. "Hell, I know for a fact that duncedork Ed ain't gonna miss it since he won't shut the fuck up about Suzette." With the speed of an unchained pit bull that spotted an unsupervised toddler, May dropped Marie like she had dropped out of tenth grade and tore ass to Kevin's side.
"*Snort* who is this suzette lol sum ritzy ditzy missy movin in on my man," May questioned before wrapping her paws around Kevin's collar.
"Lay off the threads beaverdork! Suzette is just Nazz's crazy ass with a bag on her head!" Kevin puffed out as the enraged fat trick rattled his head around.
"*Snort* its worse than i thought rofl how can i compete with that," May complained as Kevin's brain bounced around in his skull.
"None of us can beat a girl with a bag on her head. But why compete when you can remove the stiff competition?" Marie pointed out before standing up and adjusting her tightly drawn thong.
"*Snort* good idea marie lol hey kevin wheres the nearest alley way," May asked the frazzled boy as his eyes spun around in his eye sockets.
"Why do you wanna know? So you can leave me out of a good time again?" Kevin retorted before laying a hand on his head to steady his brain cells before they tumbled out of his ears.
"*Snort* gimme the deets on the alley scene lmao and ill show u what a gewd time really looks like," May replied as she gave him a devious look, Kevin dumping the rest of his potato chips into his mouth because his nerves had just been shot.
"Give the one pump chump some space, May!" Lee demanded before blowing the sawdust from her palms.
"Lee's right. If anyone deserves some warm up action before the party, it's me," Marie stated while strutting over toward the now cornered jock. "We can ditch this yellow fuckhead, she doesn't know how to tame a one-eyed serpent like I do."
"Tell your sisters to back off before I crane kick them back to the glory hole they crawled away from!" Kevin ordered Lee as her sisters who can't catch a hint stood salivating over him.
"You won't have to kick 'em very far, hot stuff!" Lee joked since their mom's place of employment was right around the block. "Stop fuckin' around and get back to work girls, this place ain't gonna decorate itself!"
"*Snort* come on lee lmao we demand a break or the riot starts now," May replied as Kevin gnawed at her hand still latched around his collar.
"Yeah we're going on strike. We busted some ass today so we deserve to bust a few nuts," Marie complained.
"Don't make me laugh! You girls barely broke a sweat while I'm over here slavin' away!" Lee said firmly while marching over to them. May and Marie gave her venomous stares while Kevin gave her an appreciative look. "And that's exactly why I'm the one goin' on break and spending some time in the ladies room with Kevin for a little TLC!"
"Enough of the backwoods bullshit!" Kevin suddenly yelled out. "If you're worried about anyone not showing up to the shindig, this is fucking why! Everyone's out there dropping shit logs thinking you kissy face dorkettes are gonna crash through the front door in a rape van!"
"*Snort* we would never do that lol," May stated.
"We would never take it that far," Marie related.
"We would never stain our good reputation," Lee berated.
"Choice," Kevin breathed out as Lee threw the keys to a rental rape van into the fireplace while he wasn't looking. "Because my Anti-Dork Posse and I did our half of the job while you guys were over here throwing a housewarming party! I don't want the hours we spent acting like cheeseballs with the dorks flushed down the drain!"
"Ha! Me and the girls were just teasing you anyway! We ain't aimin' to ruin the plan we cooked up, after all! We want a good family friendly revenge on those fuckable Eds like the rest of ya!" Lee replied as she threw her arms around her sisters' shoulders and the three of them grinned at Kevin.
You already know they had their fingers crossed.
"More like unfuckable because those dorks won't be able to unfuck themselves this time," Kevin said before chuckling. The front door creaked open and Dutch squeezed his head through the crack, catching the attention of the group.
"Corporal Dutch of the first Anti-Dork Fireteam reporting in..." Dutch said nervously, Kevin doing a fist pump now that he didn't have to suffer the hot n' sticky antics of the sisters alone.
"Quit being a stranger and present arms with the rest of us!" Lee demanded after she and her sisters broke their team huddle around Kevin.
"I was never one to back down when duty calls!" Dutch said before stepping inside and throwing up an Urban Ranger salute. "I came to report that we have secured the food and drinks, Sir!"
"At ease you sorry excuse for a maggot's creepy uncle!" Lee ordered, the young Anti-Dork Marine dropping his salutation. "You didn't forget to grab the special ingredient to give the spread that extra punch, didya?"
"Private Jonny shoplifted the required supplies with his sticky fingers, Sir!" Dutch barked like the trained attack poodle he was. "May I be dismissed to go soil myself in privacy, Sir?"
"Hold on, lemme make sure nothin' important slipped my mind!" Lee answered before turning around and shooting her hand down Kevin's shirt.
"What happened to just teasing me, Lee dork?!" Kevin asked, feeling betrayed as her hand groped around his chest.
"Stop bitching and enjoy the foreplay!" Lee replied before ripping out the napkin tucked in his shirt and sliding it under her bangs. "I don't see anything I forgot to mention on this here Decree of Lee..." she stated as she scanned over her scrawling. "So that means you're authorized to take a leak and hit the bunk, Corporal Curly-Q!"
"Thank heavens, Sir, my bladder couldn't take it anymore!" Dutch whined as he danced in place. Lee stuffed the napkin back into Kevin's shirt before hitching her hand to his collar.
"And take Captain Crash Helmet with ya!" Lee commanded before tossing Kevin out of the recliner, the jock sliding across the freshly swept floor and stopping at Dutch's feet. "You boys can shake out the last few drops together!"
"But if you need an extra pair of hands to help you aim, don't be afraid to ring me," Marie added before flashing her slasher smile.
"*Snort* and i can help u with any kidney stones you need to pass lmao," May offered as she squeezed her hand into a fist for emphasis.
"Hard pass on that!" Kevin replied before jumping to his feet and grabbing Dutch by his shoulders. He stopped his frenzied rush for a moment when he got a good look at the twink's face. "Hardcore tat by the way, bro," he complimented as Dutch blinked at him. "Now let's get the fuck out of here before these gangly slutdorks try to potty train us for real, fluffy!"
"I'm with you, boyfriend! My potty training with Sarah was already scary enough!" Dutch squeaked before the two of them left the house in a green and blue blur to paint their bathrooms yellow.
"*Snort* another two boys gone like a piss in the wind lol thats a switch," May quipped before resting her head on Marie's shoulder.
"I won't shed a tear over it. Why cry over the appetizers when we're digging into the main course tomorrow night?" Marie crowed.
"Break time's over!" Lee shouted before bashing their heads together to motivate the sultry slackers.
Sarah snuggled under a pink blanket as she roasted a marshmallow over a bonfire made from her childhood possessions in the middle of her bedroom. She wanted nothing more than to sleep but she was so thrilled about the party tomorrow that she was tempted to pull an all-nighter. This would be it. Revenge on the trio that had made her childhood a pain in the ass. Ed would finally be her living credit card to swipe at a moment's notice. Edd would learn that plying underage girls with alcohol was no way to make them your friend. Eddy would pay for not sharing a single scene with her in this entire story so far. Revenge was only one half of why this party would mean so much to her. It was her chance to have Dutch as hers at long last and prove once and for all that her girly germs were stronger than his love of boy germs.
The twelve-year old brat looked up from the crackling fire when she spotted an all-white ghost standing in her open doorway. A cold wind ran through the room from a gap in the window. The spectral visitor floated toward her, the breeze wavering its very essence. It stopped on the opposite side of the fire and its formless arms raised above its head.
"That would be the lamest costume at the party, willy the silly billy," Sarah teased, the phantom releasing a frustrated groan.
"*Guffaws* its never easy for a big bro to admit ahahaha but my brain has run dry," Ed said, ripping the bed sheet off of his body before joining her at her side. "*Guffaws* u dont think mom and dad will be mad i borrowed this do ya ahahaha da costume store isnt open tomorrow"
"I don't think so but just in case, you should toss it into the fire so they will never suspect you!" Sarah suggested, Ed taking her up on her heartfelt device. The fire roared between them with fresh life and their shadows danced on the wall. Sarah's shadow had its arms wrapped around the neck of Ed's shadow.
"*Guffaws* costume number thirty nine is down for da count ahahaha guess its time to whip out ole reliable," Ed thought aloud, settling on going as a giant hamster. His precious baby sister sloshed a melted marshmallow in her mouth before swallowing it.
"You wanna impress Suzette, don'tcha? Pick something she would like! Maybe a big strong warrior to sweep her off her feet!"
"*Guffaws* u are da best lil sis ever ahahaha i have just the thing for the fair maiden," Ed replied as he rubbed his hands together. "*Guffaws* dis party gonna be da bomb ahahaha time to skip bed time huh sarah"
"We can stay up all night together! I'm enjoying the show too much to sleep anyway," Sarah answered, her head twisted behind them to watch their shadows.
Her shadow dug a knife into his back. Family could be so cruel.
Edd stared at the ceiling from the safety of his now ant-free moon colony bed. Though his parents had lectured him at first about the condition of his room, all he had to do was say the name Ed and they set to helping him clean the mess straight away. He promised his mother and father that he would get some rest as soon as they were done. He hadn't meant to lie to them but he could hardly catch a wink. He couldn't when there was so much on the dinner plate-sized brain in his head.
He was finally one with the kids. He was a part of the group now and he wouldn't let Heaven or Hell take that from him. Doubly so for Ed. He would make Eddy a part of this dream no matter what he had to do to achieve it. That included not telling him about the Kankers being present tomorrow. He and Ed were nervous about that too. In fact, nervous didn't even begin to cover having to breathe the same air as the Kankers. If he and Ed could still attend despite that, then he was certain it wouldn't be enough to stop Eddy.
He reached up and removed a sticky note his mother placed on his forehead to wish him goodnight. A weary smile crept across his face as he read it.
"Dear Eddward. Enjoy the party. You can stay out late this time. We are proud of you."
Kevin's grip on the bike he was curled up with on Rolf's bedroom floor tightened as his eyes flicked open. He let out a huff of anger when he realized the dream about winning an illegal street race on his motorcycle was completely fictional. All he had now was this second hand bike from Edd. That would not be the only thing he took from that dork. That nerd had gotten it into his head that he could plan out the choices of the other kids. That left the jock with only one choice of his own: to show all three of those dorks why he and the others had chosen to ostracize them. Especially that insufferable shit stain on their neighborhood Eddy. He almost felt like his rival locked himself in his house just to spite him.
He heard rustling on Rolf's bed and sat up to take a look. Rolf was snoozing heavily while talking in his sleep about ramming potato peelers into the eyes of witches. His grasp was still tightly wound around Nazz's arm, who laid next to him with her Suzette bag on as a sleep mask. Normally he would be jealous about his best friend sharing a bed with his best gal. For the first time in his life, he really didn't give a fuck. He could worry about that any other day of the week.
The only thing that worried him about Rolf and Nazz was that they weren't a part of this plan. They would never go along with it. He knew that as well as he knew them. They didn't hold the same hatred in his heart that he did for the Eds. Yet there was still a shard of hate in both of them for the schemes of that trio of dorks.
Kevin only needed to make sure that shard was stuck in deep tomorrow night. Then the six kids wouldn't have to worry about those Eds fooling themselves again into ever thinking they could be accepted.
Once the Eds were out of the way, then he could worry about the Kankers. His anger was dulled at them but he still figured he'd find a way to make them pay as the Eds would soon.
There was doubt in Kevin's mind that he would get the chance.
Dutch relaxed on top of a pile of terrified stuffed animals in the corner of his bedroom. He had spared his stuffed family from his wrath tonight, because he was in a good mood. As good a mood as he could be in anyway, what with Jonny sitting on his bed with Mister Yum Yum held tightly on his chest. The two of them had fallen silent while having their sleepover before the party. Neither of them faulted the other for not speaking up. They were both too busy running over their parts they had to play tomorrow. They also thought about why they were doing this in the first place.
Dutch laid his head back against the mound of his toys. He had made this pact with Kevin, Sarah, and Jonny in order to get back at Edd. Why didn't Edd ever return Sarah's affection? It was his fault for driving Sarah closer to Dutch than he ever wanted to be. He did love Sarah as a friend, that much was true. He wanted to spend the rest of his life as her friend. She wanted more than that and he didn't. He never expected Sarah to be with Edd for very long either, but long enough for Sarah to grow older and find some other boy to fawn over. The notebook the Kankers had shown them didn't help the situation either; now Sarah probably hated Edd's guts more than ever. When this was all over and Edd knew his place, Dutch decided that he should give it his all to fix things between him and Sarah.
He owed her that much even if he could never give her his heart.
Jonny gulped while running his fingers across the top of his new stuffed companion's head. He was no replacement for Plank. He knew that Eddy wasn't all to blame for his friend abandoning him. He and Plank were still close even to this day but the relationship was more complicated as they grew older. In the past he was comfortable with his friend's demands, but they had only grown more derisive and cold as they years passed by. He could have still made it work between him and Plank though. They could have figured it out. It only took one chance encounter with Eddy to blow the lid off of them ever hoping to work things out. He didn't want to hate Eddy when that probably wasn't his intention. It didn't matter what he wanted because he did hate Eddy. Despite his hatred, he also understood why Eddy was acting the way he was. That was what scared Jonny more than anything; it seemed like he was the only one in the Cul-De-Sac who knew the likely reason for the tricky teen's self-exile. What he saw in the woods was only a glimpse of it. Now he was disgusted with himself that he was helping the Kankers.
It was too late to change his mind now. He had to go through with it.
It didn't seem to Jonny like he had a choice.
All was quiet at Park N' Flush. The entire trailer park was illuminated only by the moon. The lights were out at the trailer belonging to the Kanker sisters. Inside the living room of the trailer the puppet stage sat with its curtains drawn open. An Eddy doll was sitting by himself on the stage in front of a toy dresser plucked from a dollhouse lifted from the Peach Creek Day Care Center. Suddenly a light clicked into life from the couch, and Marie was forced to cover her left eye with her hand while the other one was safe since it was always covered like she had a permanent pirate patch on.
"What did I tell you about the light?" Marie asked quietly in annoyance from behind the puppet stage, her sisters snickering quietly from the couch. "I can't concentrate if I know you two fuckwhistles are watchin' me."
"*Snort* dont fib to us marie lmao we know u liek when people watch," May whispered back as Lee held the flashlight pointed at the puppet stage.
"You dragged us outta bed because ya couldn't get any shuteye and ruined my beauty sleep," Lee criticized in a low voice before flicking the iris killer switch on the flashlight to double the lumens. "I ain't listenin' to your scrawny tail fumble around in the pitch black, this ain't a damn radio play. I need the visuals, my imagination died my first day on the job when I sunk a pile of fries into a fryer and watched it sizzle."
"I imagine all the time that you followed behind those fries and died your first day on the job," Marie retorted quietly while blindly patting her free hand around on the puppet stage surface.
"*Snort* i imagine that too rofl but lee only took out life insurance on me in case i kick da bucket," May muttered while rubbing a spot on her left butt cheek where Lee shot a burning barrette at her with a slingshot. "*Snort* guess that explains the physical abuse lol"
"That's because your klutzy behind put a cigarette out on my head when I was nappin' to the sweet sound of infomercials," Lee shot back in a whisper as she rubbed her right temple.
"That was me actually," Marie replied with a naughty smile as her hand knocked over a toy chair on the stage. "I ran out of free spots on my arms to use as an ashtray."
"*Snort* did u try using ur crotch lmao," May snort retorted before dodging a pair of toy police cars Marie caber-tossed at her that flew through the window and landed outside. "*Snort* sum deadeye u got there lol," she teased before getting smacked in the center of her forehead with the back of the flashlight by Lee.
"Shut up, May," Lee criticized quietly as May now rubbed a sore spot with each hand. "We're all gonna be dead if you wake up mom while she's sleepin' under our bed before her shift like usual."
"Since you brought it up, my shift is over," Marie interjected before climbing away from the puppet stand and stumbling through the dark toward the couch. "Lee's turn for me to blind her."
"Lucky for me I'm always packin' protection," Lee whispered as she played with the curls in front of her eyes and watched Marie fumble-stumble onto the couch cushion between her and May. "It's cute that you think I'd waste time playin' with dolls up to the crack of dawn like you jokers, though. I should be gettin' my beauty sleep for the party while you two grab a few zit-faced Z's."
"*Snort* it wuz nice of kevin to fix the house up wont it lol," May commented. Marie and Lee stared at her.
"Like May was saying, it's gonna be a wholesome time," Marie said. "Hope everyone shows up or it's wasted labor like her birth."
"As long as those mugs from the Cul-De-Sac did their part like they said. Otherwise this night is gonna go a lot different," Lee replied before flicking the eye annihilator in her hand off.
The three sisters looked over at the puppet stage and smiled eagerly.
Eddy rolled his shoulders while sitting on a high chair in front of his dresser. He was staring at his reflection and thinking about who he would have to be tomorrow. He had to be as smooth and charming like he had never been before. Ed and Edd finally had a comfortable place in the Cul-De-Sac and a spot of his own was waiting for him between his two friends. The other kids were finally ready to spend the last few summers of their youth with them and he couldn't blow this opportunity. He only hoped the other kids didn't think he was a weirdo now for locking himself in his house. He couldn't kid himself - they definitely thought his behavior was strange but he knew they'd look past that as long as he didn't act out at the party tomorrow.
As long as he could keep his mind off the three girls he wouldn't act out that is. He couldn't think about them or he would lose his cool. He had to focus on Ed and Edd. He had to play nice with the kids. He had to enjoy the party. Then the kids would be his friends too. When that happened, his harassers wouldn't be able to touch him ever again. He would have more than just Ed and Edd looking after him. He would have Kevin, Sarah, Nazz, Rolf, Jonny, and Dutch to protect him. Maybe he could even tell everyone about the little secret and they would understand. They would comfort him.
And then they would make sure the Kankers never fucked with Eddy ever again.
Eddy's eyes shot to the mirror when he saw movement reflected in the dark corner of his room.
The Kankers smiled at him.
Eddy whirled around on his stool and locked his eyes onto the corner.
There was no one there.
He slammed one hand down on his dresser and grabbed his high chair with the other. He would have to use this night as best he could. He had to force them out of his head. If he couldn't, none of this would ever work. The efforts he and his best friends had put in to win the kids over would all be for nothing if he couldn't stop thinking about them. He walked quietly across his bedroom with the high chair in hand and stopped at the door to his backyard. It was unlocked. He was losing his fucking mind. He reached up and latched the lock before sitting the high chair against the door.
Not that it would stop an intruder since it was a fucking sliding door.
