Truth 61: All Things Considered
Warning for references to assault
OooOoo
"What did you do?" Chief Nikran demanded, aiming his blaster at Luke.
"Not him!" Leia snapped. "The other two!"
Nikran was visibly disappointed that Luke wasn't the culprit, but gestured to his security team to take the others into custody. "Looks like we need medics before we try to move this one," one of the team said.
"I think his back might be broken," Luke offered helpfully. Too bad, so sad. Was this how Vader felt when he killed—smug? Or did he have no feelings about it? Just doing my job…
"Princess! Are you all right?" Boss arrived, assessing the scene, evidently taking his brand new job in Command very seriously. He glared at Luke. "What did you do?"
"I—"
"He didn't do anything except save me!" Leia exclaimed.
Oh. Luke gave a modest shrug and felt compelled to add: "You did a pretty good job of saving yourself."
She gave him a conspiratorial smile. "Still… you were like a guardian angel."
His answering smile faded.
...beautiful… a little angel boy….
"Is anyone else here with you?" Boss asked her.
"What am I, invisible?" he muttered under his breath.
… no one cares… these kids are invisible...
"I'll deal with you later, Oz. Why aren't you on duty?"
"Deal with? You're not my boss anymore, remember...Boss?"
Commander Dreis ignored his indignant reply. "You're injured, Princess. There's blood on your mouth and jacket collar."
...sweet little mouth...
She licked off the blood. "Just bit my lip, nothing serious, Commander."
"How many were there?"
"Four," Luke responded without thinking. "Stormtroopers."
… white… polished… boots...
"What? There are no stormtroopers here."
"Oh...right." Luke sighed and folded his arms. "I just… hate stormtroopers. They all have the same faces."
...sand dirtying the white...
"We'll search for the others," Nikran said. "Are there really two more or is he so high he's hallucinating?"
"I'm not high," he muttered resentfully.
"Two more, Chief," Leia said sharply. "Please be respectful. Oz helped me."
Huh, he'd deteriorated from 'saving' to 'helping'. Whatever.
...somebody help me...
"Let's take you back," Boss said. "You need to get out of those clothes and—"
… get these clothes off….
He turned around, staring at the pond where he'd killed the creature. Hadn't he felt remorse a few minutes ago? He reached for the emotion, but couldn't locate it. Maybe it had been an illusion.
No Force No Force No Force
"Oz will walk me back."
...don't let him get away…
He dug his fingers into his arms. His walls…. What was happening to his walls? If his walls shattered, would Palpatine know it?
He patched them. Glued them. Taped them. Whatever it took to keep the barriers up.
"Are you smoking spice?" Boss demanded. "I can smell it."
The unfairness was like a slap across his face. "No! I promised! It was them!"
Was it Vader's fault that his shields were cracking and Palpatine was hovering—
"Oz?"
Her hand was on his arm, tentative. "Yeah. Let's go."
Boss and Nikran led the way, which was probably just as well. Luke was feeling disoriented and knew he needed a few minutes to gather his fortitude and rebuild that damn wall that was close to collapsing. Or maybe it was already down and gone. Maybe that was for the best. Remember, then forget. It seemed like Yoda had said something like that. Remember, examine, and put away… no. Undone, the past cannot be. Stay in the present.
"You want to sit for awhile?" he asked her quietly as they approached the base. "Maybe you should rest." Although it was his knees that were shaky.
Leia studied him carefully then nodded. "Commander," she raised her voice, "I'll be along shortly. I'd like to talk to Oz."
Boss appeared unhappy. He hesitated as if he wanted to add something, but kept his mouth shut for a change.
They sat on a bench near Gold barracks. "Happy birthday."
"Thanks." She met his gaze. "I'm sorry I didn't answer you earlier. That was rude."
"Yeah, it was," he agreed, and her mouth twitched.
"I saw you run away. What happened after I left?"
...can't run away…
"Oh… they showed more video, ugly battle scenes from the ground. I… I'd never seen that. Lots of blood and screaming… civilians… kids…."
...screaming...
"I know it's what happens." She nodded. "But I haven't seen that sort of thing either. I think they protect me from the worst of it. Why did they show it to you?"
Well, probably because my dad was the star of the show. He shrugged and changed the subject. "What would you do if you were running the galaxy?"
"What?" She gave a small, surprised laugh. "Well… first I'd reinstate the senate."
"That would take a long time." He told himself he was just making conversation. Still, it seemed like there were important ideas that he should investigate. "There'd have to be candidates and elections. It could take a year or two."
"Yes," she agreed. "While that process was going on, there would have to be a governing council of people, maybe former senators and planetary officials, who could be counted on to fairly represent and maintain the new government."
"Huh. Who would pick them?"
"A coalition."
"What coalition? Who's in it?"
She looked slightly irritated. "It would be composed of freedom fighters who would protect the new government from coups planned by Imperials who would be determined to retake control."
Her words sounded rehearsed. "You mean there would be no Imperials represented in your government? That seems one-sided." Alliance versus Empire… Jedi versus Sith… it starts all over.
She gazed into the distance. "Yes, I guess it does. I suppose… I mean, there are honorable people within the Imperium, it's just a matter of identifying them."
He was willing to bet that Darth Vader wasn't on her short list. "Maybe one person should be in control until the senate is set up again."
She tsk'd at him. "That's what Palpatine said. Then once he got into office, he began to gradually eliminate people in important posts and replace them with his lackeys. No, having one unscrupulous person at the head would mean a slow-moving coup that would pave the path to a dictatorship."
"Oh." Yeah, he figured his dad had that in mind. It sounded more sensible than a vague council selected by an even vaguer coalition. "It's my birthday today, too," he said impulsively. "I didn't tell anyone. Until you, I mean."
"Really?" She seemed nonplussed. "It…that's… well, happy birthday. How old are you?"
"I'm… not sure." He flicked a glance at her. "I didn't know my parents. I was fostered as a baby."
"Oh. Sorry. I was adopted." Leia clasped her hands in her lap. "I don't know who my birth father was, but I know my birth mother's name."
Luke froze. Oh, krit. He didn't want to hear this… but somehow he really did. To have someone to share with—
No, no, no. He couldn't tell her about Darth Vader.
"My mother— my adoptive mother— told me once. Her name was Padme. I don't know her last name."
His body sagged with relief. She doesn't know. "Pretty name." And I'm not going to tell her. Not yet. Maybe never.
"It is. I wish I knew more." She sighed and stood. "I'd better go before Command gets paranoid. I don't want to get you in trouble if you're supposed to be on duty."
"Yeah." He stood. "Nice talking to you." Whatever you do, don't get a genetic test.
"You, too, Oz. You're not as—" Leia faltered. "Well… you're not whatever I thought you were."
He grinned. "You're not as snooty as I thought you were either."
"Oh! I take it back! You are what I thought!" But she laughed and waved as she walked away, and he watched curiously.
Sister….
Huh. How did anyone not know the names of their parents? A 30-second blood test was all it took.
She could be lying to him, but he didn't think so. After all, it had taken him most of his life before he was tested.
With a heavy sigh, he headed back to the barracks to change into work clothes. With any luck, he'd be so busy he wouldn't have time to think about whatever he was thinking about Mos Eisley that he didn't want to think about.
OooOoo
By the time he'd changed, it was lunch break. He'd thought he wouldn't have an appetite after what he'd seen that morning, but suddenly he was starving. He loaded his tray and made his way to the pilots' table, sliding in next to Zev.
Hobbie leaned across the table. "We heard the parade was bad," he said in a low voice. "Especially the flyover."
"It was impressive," Luke agreed, then corrected: "Scary. I can't imagine how big the whole fleet is because there were hundreds of ships at the parade. They must have thousands… maybe millions. I don't know how we could ever defeat them."
"Always upbeat, that's our Oz," Janson mumbled.
Luke shrugged. "I'm being realistic."
"How about being hopeful?" Wedge suggested, and Luke didn't have an answer.
Right, hope.... When is it hopeless? When is it time to give up on someone you love?
"Scoot over." Commander Narra waited until he moved, then sat.
"Sir," Luke, Hobbie and Zev said in unison. Porkins and Janson chuckled.
"Gentlemen. What's the topic of conversation?"
"The flyover. Oz said it was awesome," Hobbie chewed around his words.
"I did not say 'awesome', I said it was impressive and scary!"
"Oh, that's right. I guess I thought 'awesome' in my head."
"Because you were thinking about me." Janson smiled nicely. "Awesome, I am so remarkably awesome."
"Sorry about that," Narra said under his breath while the others chatted. "I didn't know they would show footage with..."
Luke nodded. "Thanks for staying with me." He could feel the commander studying him.
"Are you all right?"
...hey kid… you okay….
He shrugged. "Other than being super pissed off? Sure." As soon as the words left his mouth, he realized he was angrier at Dodonna than at his father. How warped was that? He shook his head. Remember who's the villain, idiot!
But who was the villain and who was just lost?
Who should he hate and who should he help?
Zev leaned around him. "Why wouldn't he be all right? What's going on, sir?"
"Fifteen minutes and you're back on duty," Narra deflected.
"We know." But his outspoken buddy Zev wouldn't let it go. "It seems like whenever Oz is involved, there's always an 'and' or a 'but' or a 'move along, nothing to see here'."
...nothing to see here… move along...
"We've all noticed, Commander," Wedge added in quiet support, like he always seemed to do.
"Finish your lunches," Narr said evenly. "This is neither the time nor the place for speculations about colleagues."
"Apparently there is no right time or place," Hobbie muttered resentfully, and they returned to silently focusing on their meals.
"Sorry," Luke whispered, but no one heard him.
...so sorry don't hurt me...
Narra didn't look at him. It would have to be the right time or place soon, or he would lose Red Squad's friendship and… respect, if he even had that now. He could feel their far-flung thoughts and tensions coalescing. He had to start flight training, leave mechanics behind. Which reminded him… "Commander, is Tadeo okay? He didn't know what his brother was doing."
"He's been questioned but Command considered what you said. He'll probably be sent home."
"I hope so."
"I hope so, too," Zev said. "He's a good kid and a hard worker. Stuck around, didn't run off or freak out or whatever the hell you did this morning when you disappeared. I needed help and you were nowhere."
Luke stared at his plate. Freak out?
...don't freak out… is he dead….
"Stand down, Senesca," Janson said, surprisingly harsh. There was an awkward silence.
...doesn't matter… no one wants these kids….
Luke broke it the tension. "Back off, Zev. We all have limitations." He surprised himself with quiet reasonableness. "I do the best I can with what I have to handle right now. I'm sorry I can't give you the answers you want. I will someday. Just... not today." He stood and glanced at Narra. "I'm going back to work."
...just trash him...
"Come to my office first," the commander said, also standing, and Luke frowned.
"In trouble again!" Hobbie sang.
OooOoo
"Remain standing," Narra said when Luke pulled out a chair.
Fine. He adopted his best soldier-boy posture, hands clasped behind his waist.
The officer picked up a stylus and tapped it on the desk. Luke decided that Narra had switched his nervous habit from sighing to tapping. Maybe he wouldn't point it out… yet.
"Explain what happened this morning."
"When exactly? It's been a busy morning." After Narra sent him a Look, he relented and decided to answer as relatively honestly as possible. "I was upset and went for a run… and some men had Princess Leia and…."
If Narra's expression was anything to go by, the modified version was falling apart quickly. "What were you doing with four men and several bags of spice?"
He flushed. "Not what you're thinking! Whatever you're thinking…. There was one man smoking, he offered me a hit, I said no— because I promised my dad I wouldn't— and then two others came and one was in back of me and it's No-Force Day so I wasn't ready when—"
"Wait." The tapping stopped as Narra held up his hand. "What is No-Force Day?"
"Well…." It actually sounded a little silly when he thought about how to explain it. "Because it's Empire Day, my dad said Palpatine would try to… agitate me so I would react and he could find me, so my dad said I shouldn't use the Force. That's really hard not to do," he added, possibly whining a little.
"I see… I think. Continue."
He looked down at his hands, which had somehow moved and now were in front of him, the fingers twisting together. "And he grabbed me from behind and they wanted to— for— me… and the broadcast reminded me of a long time ago and I thought I'd forgotten but I remembered and I wanted to kill them because he touched me— But I didn't."
"Stop." Narra's head tilted. "What does the broadcast have to do with any of this? I know it was upsetting but—"
"Because it made me remember!" Now his disobedient hands were crossed and hugging his arms and he forced them down, fists clenching the sides of his trousers. "And I didn't want to remember, I wasn't supposed to remember, but it's No-Force Day and I was only eleven and I can't hold up all the walls by myself that are supposed to keep things… inside."
"Sit down." Narra hesitated before asking quietly: "Are you trying to say that you were raped when you were a child?"
Oh. Well. Shit. His dad had said that Narra was intuitive. He should've remembered. Luke sat down suddenly and studied the edge of the desk. It was rough wood. Maybe splintered. Broken. Raped. What a small word. "I… guess." A small, simple word, hardly long enough to be a real word, nothing fancy, just a few letters that had changed him more than he realized. Did it mean the drugs, the drinking… was that when it started? He'd thought it was because of his father...
He'd blamed Vader and Kenobi and Beru and Owen… and himself. But the troopers, he'd never thought about the troopers. He just didn't remember them. Couldn't remember them.
Maybe because they all had the same faces.
...white shiny faces...
They even threw dead people out with the garbage… Only once, I only saw that happen once.
Oh.
I guess that was me.
"I… mostly forgot… and I thought everything was because of Vader...being his s—"
"What?" Narra bolted to his feet. "Are you saying Vader— your own father?"
"What?" Luke was confused for a few seconds before— "Gods, no! How could you think that? It was stormtroopers… troopers." His voice trailed off for a moment. "I was too small to fight four of them. I tried.. but I couldn't."
The commander sat again. "Of course you couldn't." He cursed something unfamiliar under his breath, and Luke had no idea what language it was.
"But I'm not too small now," he clarified fiercely. "I can fight! And then they had Leia and they wanted to hurt her too and I wanted to kill them. I should have!"
I still want to. He wondered where they were being held.
"But you didn't." The nervous tapping began again. "The one you threw over a log has a fractured spine and is paralyzed, the other has internal injuries but will recover, while the remaining two—"
"They ran away. Cowards!" he scoffed.
"Judging from what happened to the first two, that was a smart move on their part." His eyes narrowed. "You'll never see any of them again. During their interrogations, we obtained good information on where the drugs are coming from and who the dealers are. They managed to implicate themselves also."
"Good," Luke said because it was expected, not because he cared. "So I caught them."
The other man hesitated. "I guess you did at that," he admitted.
Well, well. Something heroic had come out of his mess. He leaned forward. "Sir, please don't tell Command. I hated that Boss told them every little thing."
Narra didn't comment on his accusation. "I intend to resolve issues within the confines of the squad whenever possible. I won't repeat personal confidences, you have my word." He stared at the stylus and put it down carefully.
"Back away from the stylus," Luke blurted.
Narra smiled briefly before turning serious again. "Do you want to see the base counselor?"
"No." The idea of talking to anyone else was horrifying. Besides, he might accidently say something about his father. Speaking of…. "But I'm going to need to go see my father. Soon."
"To tell him about what happened to you?"
"Are you kidding! Oh, hells, no!" What a completely revolting, appalling idea. "I don't know what he'd do. He kinda has an anger management problem."
The officer made an odd choking sound. A blank sheet of flimsi suddenly became very important. He fiddled and folded it in half before pushing it to one side. "Oz… Luke… why would you want to see him? Why?"
There were a lot of questions implied in that single word, and Luke didn't think he could answer all of them. Because he's my father— he'd said that before and it didn't matter to anyone but him.
Because he loves me as much as he's able.
What a kriffin' lousy excuse for an answer that would be. He needed to say something that didn't involve his emotions, which were pretty damn shaky right now.
"Because I need to know what's going on. What his plans are… what Palpatine is doing… or if he's hurt him. I need to know my place in the plan and if it's time to implement it or if I have to learn more—"
"What plan?" Narra asked sharply.
Luke considered. Command wanted additional information and maybe that was okay. "We're going to overthrow the Emperor," he said simply. "You know that, I told Command. But I don't know when or how or who we may need to recruit to help." Oh-oh. Was he confessing that his dad wanted to rule the galaxy? He switched tactics. "We also need to talk about how we can ally with the Alliance."
Great. Now he'd just allied himself with the Empire. Think before talk, please. So he added, not knowing if it was true but it sounded neutral, "And we need to figure out how the Third Side will be involved."
Narra's eyes flickered in memory of Jovay's description of the majority of the galaxy's inhabitants. Sure, Luke's impulsive description as the "Third Side" hadn't been official… but why not? Seemed like a logical name.
"So we have to discuss all that, and I need to see him in person. This isn't an in-head chat."
"A what?"
He held back a grin. It was almost evil, the way he liked to shock Command. Except Narra wasn't Command any longer… sort of. "We talk in our heads all the time, except on No-Force Day. But it's not the same as in-person talking. And," he added innocently, "I need him to show me how to do that lightsaber twirly thing. That was… awesome."
The commander stared at him for a long moment before finally saying, "I wish I was certain when you're being serious and when you're being deliberately provocative. If you're done baiting me, get back to work and finish up your shift."
"Yes, sir!" Luke stood and managed a snappy salute. But he paused before leaving. "Thanks for… listening. It means a lot to me."
"Any time," Narra said, and immediately looked like he regretted his offer.
Luke smiled, genuinely this time, and left the office.
OooOoo
He finished his shift, thankfully with no further interruptions. But he didn't feel like dinner or facing the squad right now. He wasn't angry with anyone; he understood Zev's frustrations about constantly being faced with inconsistencies and confronted by questions without answers. But the complications were troubling and he had so many thoughts roiling in his head. Maybe a little aggressive practice would help calm him.
Opening the door to the sparring room, he hesitated and didn't flip on the overhead lights. A flicker glowed across the room and as his eyes adjusted he could see Kodra cross-legged on the floor in front of a single candle. He began to back out, but the Zabrak gestured.
"Sit."
He nodded and approached. Sliding one leg behind him, he lowered himself with a grace he knew he hadn't possessed before Kodra's intensive training. Bending his head, he watched the other from under the shadows of his eyelashes. The Zabrak's eyes reflected purple in the dam light. He wondered if he should say something.
"Inside the flame, find peace and healing. Inside the flame are questions."
This sounded like Yoda's meditation instructions. Luke's lips parted. "How do I—"
"Inside your head is the flame."
Oh. So the candle was just for focusing, it wasn't some other-worldly symbol of—
"The flame."
He stared at it without blinking until his eyes teared, then he closed them but could still see the persistence of the fire painted against his lids… in the void. He saw Vader in the overwhelming darkness that was his father…then a spark... did that mean he was the candle? The light to Vader's night? The love to balance Vader's hatred?
...love can set the galaxy alight….
But what did that mean, how would it end? In chaos or resolution?
...redeemer… leading a lost soul back to his path or
...to his destruction
...more questions than answers
"Yes."
Luke opened his eyes. The candle had burned down, and he could barely see Kodra behind the wisp of smoke that floated toward the ceiling.
"Questions are more important than answers."
He took a deep breath. "Why?"
"When one decides on an answer, one is finished. But questions are infinite."
Luke nodded. He crossed his legs at the ankles and rose in an easy movement. "Thank you."
Great. More cryptic stuff to figure out.
Okay, he needed to think what this meant. Stop deciding on answers and ask more questions? Deciding his father was evil or couldn't love or only wanted him as an asset— those were dead ends. He needed to ask. What was part of his father was missing? Where had he lost it? What did he need deep down, buried where even Vader couldn't— or wouldn't— see it. What would make him finally see?
I don't care what anyone says, I will never give up on you.
But too easily forgotten and equally important: What do I need from him?
He opened the door to the barracks and stopped dead.
"There you are!"
"Where have you been?"
"We've been waiting and waiting!"
His five pilots all leaped up and stood in front of the table like they were hiding something. The commander came out of his office, a half-smile on his face.
"What? What'd I do now?"
Wedge made a one-two-three gesture and they shouted, "Happy birthday!"
"We swore not to sing," Hobbie offered. "Although I will if you want me to."
"No— no, that's okay." He blinked a few times as they stepped aside to reveal a… half a cake. A strangely decorated cake that was covered with smushed trees and snakes and smeared by what looked suspiciously like finger marks. "How did you know?"
"Your girlfriend sent it— Princess Leia," Porkins explained. "And we really wanted to eat some, but Zev made us wait for you."
"I remembered you said you wanted cake for your next birthday," Zev said, arms folded. "If we'd known ahead of time, Pork would've baked it, but…."
His face felt hot and he blinked back tears. This was his first birthday cake since— well, in a very long time. "Thanks. Where's the rest of it?"
"Night shift had it for breakfast," Wedge grumbled. "They were afraid we wouldn't leave them any."
"They were right. So, Oz, are you legal now?" Janson asked eagerly.
"What?"
"Twenty-one? Not jailbait?"
There was a chorus of groans. "Krit, Wes, he's a baby!" Hobbie exclaimed. "He still drinks bottles of milk, not bottles of something else."
Luke laughed, so relieved that they weren't annoyed with him any more. "Seventeen."
"Same as the princess! You're twins!" Janson crowed.
"Oh, no— don't tell her, please don't tell her we're the same age! I couldn't stand it!"
"I suppose we could keep it a secret," Wedge offered. "That is… if you quit talking and cut the cake. Oh— and a present came for you."
"From Darth Vader," Janson said slyly, and Luke saw Narra wince.
"Really?" He couldn't believe his father remembered when he was so busy and he'd actually sent something! "Where? What is it?" He was so sure his dad had forgotten because the day was almost over—
"Here!" Hobbie shoved an envelope at him. "What does it say?"
He snatched it eagerly. It was addressed to… My Biggest Fanboy. "Oh…." For a second, he'd thought— His cheeks were burning.
"You should see your face!" They were laughing, and Narra shook his head.
Luke grinned and opened the envelope. The flimsi was blank. "Look!" he exclaimed. "Secret invisible writing! I'll just use the Force and… oh… wow."
"There's nothing…." Janson paused. "Does it… it doesn't…?"
Luke cleared his throat. "Here goes… 'Dear Oz, I have heard you are my main fan. I would like to meet you. Please join me for dinner on a date of your choice. Best, Darth V. XOXOXO'. Well, isn't that nice of him?"
For a split second, Janson hesitated, then everyone laughed at him. "Oh, cut the damn cake!"
They gathered around to watch and Narra clapped his shoulder. For such a lousy, scary, terrible, awful day— it sure had turned out well.
But why leave well enough alone? He cut a few slices, then paused. "Look, Zev… about earlier… I was just thinking about things I didn't want to think about and it threw me off and I had to get away. I'm sorry."
Zev shrugged. "Okay. Now let us eat cake!"
"Isn't that a famous quote from Mon Mothma?" Hobbie asked. "Let us eat cake! You know she's my daddy."
"If you give me a piece of cake," the Commander said, "I'll go in my office and shut the door. I don't think I should be listening to this conversation."
Luke gave him a slice with a gooey green snake coiled on the top. "Nothing personal," he said with a wink.
"If Mon is your daddy, then who's your mommy?" Janson wondered.
"Dodonna," Luke suggested around a forkful of frosting.
"Oh, good one. They're a match made in hell. Oz, who's your daddy?"
"Darth Vader," he said promptly as he grabbed a carton of milk to counter the sickly sweetness.
"No, that's who I was going to say!" Janson pouted. "Not fair!"
"We can be brothers," Luke offered.
"Well… okay, then Princess Leia can be our sister."
"I'm not gonna be part of your family! Because I definitely don't have brotherly vibes for her." Hobbie made a smacking noise with his lips. "Yum! Love those buns!"
"Have some respect!" Luke snapped. "Honestly, how rude!"
"Right," Porkins interjected. "Because if she's Oz's twin and Vader is his daddy, then Leia is—"
"Stop stop stop!" Luke nearly shrieked. "That's awful! Stop it!" Krit, his heart was pounding so fast— Was this the Force at work? Did regular people have it too, but they didn't know what they were feeling and saying? "Ugh. Just stop. Have a beer."
He knew that would distract them. They raided the fridge. "Want half my milk?" he asked Wedge, who simply grimaced.
The office door opened. "Oz," Narra called. "Tomorrow, 1400 hours, suit up, you're flying."
"What?!" he shouted with excitement and was immediately overwhelmed by calls of congratulations.
All things considered, this hadn't been the worst day of his life.
OooOoo
