Chapter 67…
"It's okay Christian…it's normal to feel this way"
She says as my hands are clenching at my sides with worry and frustration.
I'm pacing backwards and forward and pretty much scowling at the door in front of me.
"Christian…Christian darling"
I look at my Mom.
The sadness in her eyes shows she's reading my emotions. She can see the worry in my eyes. The terror of what I'm about to do.
I wish Ana was here with me but she's not.
I wish she was.
She'd take my hand and she would calm me immediately.
She'd kiss my cheek allowing my frustration and worry to slip through my entire being and replace it with positive and inspiring vibes.
I'd kiss her lips softly allowing the both of us to feel calm, at ease and happy.
But she's not here is she.
She's not.
I wish she was.
"Christian come and sit down"
I sigh, running a frustrated hand through my hair as I move to sit beside my Mom.
"It's going to be okay, they're just going to ask you questions, you answer them…talk to them. Let everything out okay? You need to do this"
She's right, of course, she's right.
But that doesn't stop the bile from creeping up into my throat. The feeling of wanting to vomit even though I haven't eaten or drank anything this morning because of the horrible, worry in the pit of my stomach. The grinding, vile churning feeling I have thats bubbling inside of me.
My phone starts to ring causing me to jump.
Why the fuck am I so on edge?
I pull it from my pocket and see her name and suddenly I feel a wave of relief.
She is still my light in the darkness.
My fingers can't press the green button quick enough.
"Ana…"
"Hey…" Her voice sounds chirpy, happy, content.
Just remember Christian, everything you're doing it's for her, it's for your family, for your future, for your happiness, for you.
I repeat the sentence over and over.
It's fucking crazy the effect she has on me.
In a split second, she's turned my worrying beating heart into one that's not so rapid anymore.
"How are you? How's your day?"
I can feel my Mom's eyes on me and when I look up I'm right.
She has a knowing smirk on her face.
I was adamant she wouldn't call before my appointment but my Mom was right. Of course, she was.
She always is.
"It's great…Mr. Roach has been amazing, I'm so happy to be back. How is everything going? I'm so sorry I couldn't be there."
"I…I'm nervous as fuck. I don't want to talk to some stranger about my life"
She sighs, "I know, but I'm so proud of you Christian."
That brings the small smile to my face.
Just hearing her voice, listening to her words.
She is proud of me?
How the fuck did I get so lucky to have someone like her in my life.
Two weeks have passed since I hurt her with my words.
Two weeks have passed since my fist went through the wall.
Two weeks have passed since I felt the worst I ever have in my entire lifetime.
Two weeks of trying to prove my love and my commitment.
She's been my rock, my life. She holds my entire heart and everything that goes with it.
Two weeks ago I nearly fucked everything up and almost lost everything.
But she stuck by me.
She's still at my side, she still loves me.
She supports me every single fucking day, goodness knows I don't deserve it after everything I put her through but she's here and I love her with everything I have.
I'm so proud of you Christian
I'm so proud of you Christian
I'm so proud of you Christian
I'm so proud of you Christian
The words ring through my ears as if they were a beautiful song.
I remember now why I'm doing this, I remember now why I'm sat here.
This is for my family and my happiness and I refuse to let anything or anyone jeopardize it.
I refuse to let my nerves and anger get in the way of doing the right thing.
"Are you still there?" Her voice calls me from my thoughts.
"Yeah..I'm here…how is your first day back at the office?"
"It's been great, it's like I never left…I'm so glad to be back. I just feel guilty I'm working the day of your first session, I'm so sorry".
"There's no need to be sorry, you'd have only been sat here in the waiting room anyway. I'm glad you're back at work, I know how much it means to you".
"I love you"
"I love you too"
I feel my heart melt at her words.
"Good luck okay? And don't be afraid, I believe in you. You can do this…"
"Mr. Grey" The door opens and dread suddenly fills my body.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Nope, I don't want to do this.
I can't do this.
I look up at the man stood in front of me.
The man that is going to judge every single fucking word I'll say.
He's going to think I am an absolute dick.
I can't do this.
I can't fucking do this.
"Ana I have to go, they're calling me in. I'm fucking petrified."
"Of course,…go…Don't be scared, I believe in you, you can do this…I'll see you for dinner and you can tell me all about it okay? I love you"
"I love you more"
My Mom nudges my elbow and I nod with my ever so fast-beating heart.
With that, I hang up and I stand to look at the man in front of me.
I am not ready to be judged for my life decisions.
I'm not ready to be judged for my actions.
But I know this is the only way I'm going to get better. This is what I need to do for Ana, for our Teddy, for our baby.
Ana is the woman I want. She's the one and only for me and I know it.
And I know I have to do this so I can finally have her at the alter so she can say 'I DO' to becoming my wife.
We both know we're meant to be together but I know I have a fuck ton of issues to get over before I want to make her officially mine.
I put my phone back into my pocket and I stand walking towards the man that has a welcoming smile on his face.
But still, I feel weird and awkward as fuck.
"I'm Dr. Flynn…please come right this way"
"Christian…Christian Grey" I outreach my hand to accept his.
There's no turning back now.
My Mom gives me one last small smile.
As much as I wish Ana was here at my side, I am so glad my Mom is the one next to me.
She's been a rock for me and I never appreciated it fully until now.
And I know Ana couldn't make it as it's her first day back full time at S.I.P.
I'm just glad and grateful Ana never gave up on me.
With the promise of seeing a specialist, a counselor, a psychiatrist to help me through my anger and insecurities. She's going to stick by me. She's going to marry me. She's going to give birth to our child and give Teddy a little brother or sister.
I might be nervous as fuck right now to talk so openly about my past and my lifetime, but I know for my future to be what I want it to be, I have to do this.
I walk into the room.
It's a bright room, cream velvet chairs, a coffee table in between.
Dr. Flynn standing there with a clipboard and a pen smiling at me.
Why the fuck is he smiling?
Calm Christian, Calm.
"Make yourself comfortable…would you like tea? Coffee? Water?"
Comfortable?
How the fuck can anyone be comfortable in this fucking psycho place.
Psycho place, HA!
Elena Lincoln put me in here.
Or did she?
Was it her?
Was it my birth Mom?
Was it the pimps?
Who did put me in here?
Who did cause my life to fuck up so badly I've ended up needing and getting this much help?
I guess that's what I'm here to find out right?
I simply nod towards him, my hands clenching as I feel them becoming clammy with nervousness.
"Coffee..please.."
My knee bouncing up and down slightly.
I'm so fucking nervous.
Why the hell am I so nervous?
Big shot businessman shaking with fear as he visits a psychiatrist. I can already see the tabloids.
I can't fucking do this.
I stand quickly and I walk to the door in such a rush. I feel my heart thumping so badly I fear it may come pounding through my ribs and crash onto the floor in front of me.
My breathing becoming more rapid.
"Christian…Christian…"
Dr. Flynn calls after me as my hand reaches the handle in panic.
I can't do this…I can't fucking do this.
My head is spinning. Spinning almost to the point where I could pass out.
My eyes becoming blurry.
My hands shaking, clenching and clammy.
I feel as if I'm about to pass out.
I feel the urge to run, escape, hide. It is no different than when I was a child fearing the belt, the slipper or whatever the pimp came to beat me with.
The panic grows stronger as my mental faculties give way to emotions. I want to jump right out of my skin and hide. I feel just like a child again, shaking, terrified. The constricted feelings grow as if I am strangled by just the air about me.
"Christian!" Dr. Flynn calls again.
I fling open the door. His voice piercing through my ears making me feel guilty for leaving, but I can't. I can't stay here.
I can't do this.
I can't tell some stranger about my past.
I can't tell him about all the disgusting awful things I've done.
I can't tell him about what's happened to me.
When the door is open and I'm about to make the quickest escape possible. Suddenly, the breath is taken from my lungs and a rush of relief is washed over me.
She came.
She's here.
I'm confused as fuck as to why she is, but she's here and that's all that matters.
She can see the worry in my eyes, she can see the terror spiraling through my body.
I see the panic in hers when she rushes to me as I freeze in place, shocked to see her here.
"Christian?"
Her hands gently take mine and the warmth and comfort allow my body to calm, even if it's just for a little bit.
"I can't do it, Ana…I can't"
Her eyes lift from my hands and up to my eyes.
"I can't fucking sit there and talk about it."
"Hey…Hey…it's okay…."
I can feel my Mom watching us with sadness, I can feel her sad eyes staring at me.
But she's here….Ana is here….
How is she here?
She's meant to be working.
"What are you doing here?"
I lean into her hand as her delicate fingers move to my cheek.
The soothing touch I needed.
"Just after I got off the phone to you, Mr. Roach let me off for the day because I finished all the manuscripts and more so. I came straight here to surprise you for when you came out of your session…" She smiles sadly.
She came.
She actually came.
"Christian…would you like to come back inside?"
Flynn regards the change in my character immediately when Ana is around.
I look at him, then back to Ana.
"You're off for the rest of the day?"
She responds agreeing before I glance back towards Flynn.
"Is it possible she could accompany me in the session?"
"If it would make you feel more at ease…then yes"
My gaze then moves back to Ana, " Will you?"
"Of course I will…" She whispers taking my hand in hers.
I can see the tiny smile my Mom has as she takes her seat once again, anticipating for us and the session to end.
The two most significant women in my life stood right here with me, supporting me.
Ana captures my hand and we follow Flynn back into the room.
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