The Lament of Sara from Planet Freedom
(And now, we get a taste of just how rottenly evil a spoiled and entitled rich mobian brat can actually be. WARNING: This story is NOT for the sensitive, or faint of heart!)
Like, hiiii! Sara here, and I'm so totes happy to be here and remembering stuff! I'm like, so totally a hairless Sphynx mobian from Planet Freedom- y'know, the other floating island on mobius, that's a totally rad republic. Planet Freedom is a flying city, kept up my anti-gravity generators, powered by chaos drives. Our ancestors, like, totally took to the land of the sky, to escape all the politics and problems on the planet below. Most of mobius usually leaves us alone up here, except for some total jerks like the battle bird armada. Most of the families up here are really wealthy merchants, so planet Freedom is a totally chill place.
I am, like, the CUTEST catgirl on all planet freedom! I am about as tall as a human, and I have the cutest kitty cat ears and tail, and I am sooo totally hot in my yellow top and miniskirt, and a pink jacket. I'm, like, the daughter of the president of Planet Freedom, which means I always so totally get my way. Since I was a really little kitty, daddy used his money to get me everything I wanted, all I had to do was cry and hold my breath. I still whine to get my way, even as an adult, and I can soooo totally do whatever I want, from driving my extreme gear around and wrecking a neighborhood, to so totally going out and partying every night and getting, like, totally drunk! But even though I'm in my late twenties (I look younger, I know), daddy always bails me out of trouble. So I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.
Okay... so like, I was waking up late one day, going in to whine to daddy for a new set of extreme gear to replace the one I wrecked while drunk last night. I noticed several humanoid robots piled in my daddy's office. I was, like, so totally curious what they were doing in there, so I poked my head into the office. Can you believe one of those robots pointed a laser blaster at me...ME! Can you, like, believe that robot's nerve!? Anyway, this fat human guy was sitting in daddy's office, and it turned out the robots were, like totally his! Turns out this weirdo's name is Robotnik, and he was a super-villian trying to take over Planet Freedom.
Like, how so totally cool is that!? Finally, something exciting to happen in this boring old place! Suddenly, I got an idea! Walking right up to Robotnik, and began whispering my plan in his ear. While he was sooo major annoyed one of his hostages wasn't playing scared, his eyes and smile so totally lit up when I told him my plan. Whispering back and forth, we decided I would, like, totally play hostage, and he would use that to lure out his worst enemy, some stupid blue hedgehog named Sonic. I would get to play damsel in distress, and he'd get to destroy his, like, arch-enemy! It seemed like a lot of fun to me, more exciting than wasting time whining to daddy for another sky yacht! And besides, who cares if Robotnik managed to beat Sonic, and take over the world? I don't care what happens to anyone else, not even daddy, as long as I have fun!
Anyway, daddy sent out a message, and Sonic and his little sidekick brat showed up to 'save' daddy and I (a two-tailed fox?! Eww what a little freak!). Anyway, Robotnik fed him a lie about some stupid generator back at his base, the Metropolis zone, going boom and destroying the planet. Sonic rushed off to stop the generator from going boom, and after playing a few video games in daddy's office, Robotnik and I followed Sonic back in a giant mecha suit he had built, called metal Robotnik. The doc and I fought Sonic and the fox twerp all across the Metropolis zone, before this stupid red mole in a cowboy hat jumped in to help him! (I think his name is, like, Fists or something) anyway, the three of them trash Metal Robotnik, and as we crawled out of the wreckage I pretended to be all grateful to Sonic. This totally distracted the stupid little pin cushion, and Robotnik was able to trap the 'hero' and copy his life data (whatever that is).
Anyway, Robotnik used the life data stuff to make Mecha Sonic, a second robot copy of Sonic (apparently, he had made a first one called Metal Sonic that the hero blew up or something, I dunno.) Mecha Sonic beat the tar out of real Sonic, and the two ended up fighting all over the surface of Mobius. Then Robotnik took me high into the sky in his eggmobile, and gave me a wedding dress, saying he was going to blow up mobius, and take me back to earth as his bride. Now, daddy totally thinks I'm a sweet little angel, but... I'm so totally not. Well, I had always heard that humans were really, really *CENSORED* Soooooo, Robotnik and I *CENSORED*. Whew, those stories about humans were accurate! We *CENSORED* and *CENSORED* until I *CENSORED*! Gee, I hope daddy never finds out, or he'll take away my trust fund money!
After, we got cleaned up, Robotnik flew us to mobius's North Pole, where Sonic and his two moronic friends were fighting that tin can. I was getting bored with the whole rescue thing, so I let the stupid little pin cushion's two idiot friends 'rescue' me. Long story short; Sonic beat Mecha and destroyed him with lava, the two-tailed freak grabbed my *CENSORED*, and daddy and I ended up going home after the three runts chased Robotnik back down to the surface. It's been a couple of months since then, and everything is back to normal. Will I ever see any of them again? Who knows and who cares! Everyone thinks I am in love with Sonic, but I think that little pin cushion is ugly and stupid! I think tomorrow, I'll go on a shopping spree at the mall, and then dine-and dash at a fancy restaurant, to see if I can get away without paying. There's got to be some trouble I can get myself into.
I'm not worried if I get caught, like I said, daddy's money will buy off any problems, and I'll walk away without any consequences, like I always do...
...I wonder why I am so hungry for pickles and ice cream all of a sudden, though...
