74. My family (Part 2)
"What you must remember," said Professor McGonagall grimly as she stood in front of the class, "is that these examinations may influence your futures for many years to come. The Vanishing Spells are, as I told you, among the most difficult magic you will be tested on in your O.W.L. So today, we will proceed to vanishing mice."
My attention drifted away as our Head of House explained the difference between vanishing snails and mice. My heart was flattering in my chest and my eyes constantly flickered towards the window. I knew Draco and Blaise were sitting behind Hermione and me. My fingers would not stop playing with my wand. Every nerve was tingling, making it impossible to sit still.
I jumped when suddenly a white mouse was placed on my table. The small animal was sniffing the air for danger and its moustaches were trembling. My lips twitched into a slight smile when I carefully raised my hand to caress it. The white fur was soft and comfortingly warm. Pitch black eyes were sparkling vividly.
"Ms. Jackson," a strict voice made me flinch, "this is a classroom, not a petting zoo."
I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath. The hand holding my wand was shaking when I opened them again. The mouse was looking around and cautiously approaching my hand. A freezing coldness radiated from the small body, fear. Suddenly, I found myself transported back to the memory when I had faced the bloodthirsty werewolf. I had felt its emotions, its overwhelming brutality. Enwrapped by its emotions and instincts my mind had calmed and brought out my elvish self. I had spoken an old language to tame the wild beast.
The very same calm was slowing my heartbeat and thoughts as I was staring into the perfectly round black eyes. I wanted to open my mouth and reassure the small animal that I had no intention to inflict harm.
"Is there a problem, Jackson?" Professor McGonagall appeared and frowned down at me.
I blinked and suddenly the muttered spells and sounds of annoyance around me seemed much louder to my ears. Glaring at my wand, I massaged my temple and shook my head.
"Well then, what are you waiting for? I expect this mouse gone by the end of the lesson."
One look into these beautiful black eyes of the innocent animal and I lowered my wand. I sighed and my heart felt suddenly as if it was imploding. The pressure in my chest grew the longer I was staring at the little creature. I could not make it vanish. I could not bring myself to raise my wand at it and make it vanish, eliminate its entire existence. The mere thought hurt my soul. A sharp pain shot through my head all the sudden. Groaning, I squeezed my eyes close and the wand clattered on the wooden desk.
What was happening to me? This was similar to the burning forearm the year prior only that it was my head or heart or soul. I could not say what it was. I did not want to raise my wand to eliminate a life. The blood in my veins turned to a boiling liquid. The inner heat and pressure left my mind spinning.
My head snapped around to Hermione when my senses perceived the instinctive angst of her grey mouse. The blood in my veins was suddenly turning cold. With wide eyes I stared at the trembling animal.
"Evanesco," Hermione said clearly and flicked her wand. The freezing fear vanished into thin air as did the living furred body. It was gone. Dead. Never existed.
Icy terror flooded my heart and penetrated my mind. I could barely breathe. With shaking hands I grabbed my wand and my fingers clenched around my bag. I jumped up from my seat and turned to the door. My legs were trembling.
"Ms. Jackson, where do you think you're going?" the bemused voice of my Head of House ringed in my ears.
Out. I needed to get out of here. Away from the feeling of a vanishing life. Away from death that was not truly death yet a death sentence.
My legs were carrying me far away from her classroom through the empty corridors. My heart was flattering furiously in my chest. The edges of my vision darkened rapidly. My mind desperately tried to forget what I had just witnessed. The mouse had been more than afraid. Was this how my father's victims felt when he raised his wand against them?
My bag fell out of my shaking hands and landed on soft grass. My legs had brought me to the Black Lake. I swallowed the thick lump in my throat as my legs gave away. I fell hard on my hands and knees as tears stung in my eyes. I knew the Vanishing Spell was not death, was not even comparable. And yet it erased lives. It was not Dark Magic yet it had made a soul disappear into nothingness.
Breathing heavily, I pulled my legs tightly to my chest and wrapped my arms around myself. Why did it suddenly bothered me to see this kind of magic doing its work? The mere thought of having transformed snails, mice and owls into lifeless objects left me feeling nauseated. My stomach was clenching painfully and I coughed.
What was happening? My body was trembling when I laid on the cool grass and closed my eyes. The calming scent of nature filled my nostrils and my heartbeat slowed. I wanted to stay out here and never witness such a spell again – not on a living being at least. It felt like death…
I did not know how long I had been outside but Transfigurations was surely over by now. It was Friday. Draco and Blaise would arrive sometime. I would have to tell them the truth. Absentminded, I was staring at the lake. My body felt numb with cold fear.
I whirled around when footsteps became audible. Neither Draco nor Blaise were looking at me. My brother had his hands deeply in the pockets of his jacket and kept his eyes on the ground. A thoughtful frown masked his sharp features. Blaise' face gave nothing away, the usual mirth in his eyes had been replaced by a hardness that scared me. Sometimes, he reminded me of the Weasley twins with his light and playful mood. But it were moments like these that showed how mature he truly was.
A thick lump was forming in my throat when they stopped a couple of steps from me. A cold shiver ran through my entire body. My heart was hammering in my chest. This was the moment I had been waiting for and it frightened me to no end. Severus had lost a great part of his hope hearing about my fate. And now my brother and best friend would have to go through the pain as well.
For a moment, they just stared at me. Nervously, I lowered my head and pressed the marked forearm to my stomach. An uncomfortable pressure had settled in my mind and I knew it was only a matter of seconds when my heart would feel heavy with desperation once more.
"Well," Draco said coldly, "I suppose you know why we're here."
I bit the inside of my cheek as his voice made my eyes water. Blinking rapidly, I gripped my arms tighter. My legs felt wobbly all the sudden. I turned towards the lake and sat down, hugging my knees to my chest as if that would keep my emotions from overwhelming me. My insides were shaking. Draco and Blaise sat down facing me. My brother still refused to look at me but kept his gaze on my forearm. Blaise' unwavering stare felt like a knife in my heart.
"I am sorry," I said quietly, "for everything I did and said. I – I wanted to protect you."
Draco gritted his teeth and rested his elbows on his thighs. Hard eyes were boring in mine. "And from what exactly – What the hell happened to you that you… you have this… thing… on your arm?"
Nervously, I licked my lips and pressed my fingers deeply in my legs. My entire body was tense. Then, suddenly, the words were just tumbling out of my mouth – the truth I had kept so long from my brother and anyone else.
"That night on the graveyard… when he… when he returned… he tortured me. He said he wanted to bind me to one of his Death Eaters like – He used my mother. He told me the truth. He had somehow bound her to him, leaving her in the belief that he was her fairy-love – I told him that I had already found mine and he tortured me to know his name but I refused. He threatened to kill him, to kill Severus… And there was his body… Cedric Diggory… his body was lying next to me. His eyes were still open…
He told me that he had marked me… after I had been born… with this mark – It faded away the day he vanished… And he brought it back, he reactivated it… It doesn't have the powers of the true Dark Mark. One of its purposes… is to mark me as his child. Everyone is supposed to see who I am so that it drives those away from me who are fighting against him…"
My voice broke and tears were rolling down my cheeks. In between sobs and gasps for air the words rushed out of my mouth. "I am sorry, Draco. I am so sorry for everything. I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted to protect you… I… He was there, your father. If he hears that we are speaking to each other my father will use you against me and… I – Dark Mark… it's supposed to… to assure my loyalty to him – My choice – This war – I have no choice – No choice – Severus – Just wanted to protect you – I'm sorry, so sorry-"
"Arya. Arya, calm down," my brother cut me off and knelt in front of me. Concern was evident in his eyes and voice. He attempted to wrap his arms around my shoulders but I grasped his sleeves and clenched them in my fists. Whimpers left my rocking body as I pressed my forehead against Draco's chest.
"I'm sorry. So… so terribly sorry. I'm so sorry, Draco." I started crying. My mind was still fighting about the truth. It wanted to speak the words – the truth, but my heart wanted to keep both from being hurt.
"Calm down, will you. It's alright…" Gently, Draco released my grip on his arms and cupped my face in his hands. "The things I said to you – I punched you… I'm sorry, Arya."
I closed my eyes when he rested his forehead against mine. Instead of relief, a clawing coldness took possession of my heart and froze my sobs.
"You don't understand… The mark… It's the mark…," I forced out with the little air I had left in my lungs and lifted my head. Draco furrowed his eyebrows in confusion but it was Blaise who spoke this time. He had crouched next to us and was watching me through narrowed eyes.
"What do you mean with you have no choice? What choice, Arya?"
I whimpered and closed my eyes. My heart felt as if it was drowning in desperation, sinking deeper at a rapid pace without any possibility to return to the surface. I took several shaky breaths and opened my eyes to stare at my worried brother. I wrapped my arms around my legs, my fingers pressing deeply in the covered flesh.
"I… I… He wants my loyalty… He cursed me. The mark is a curse," I whispered frightened and gazed at my brother who had turned rigid at my words. "I will die… The curse binds me to his life. I won't survive this war unless he lives. I won't live."
The blood rushed loudly through my ears when I closed my mouth. Freezing coldness had settled in my heart and prevented me from moving when I saw the change in my brother's eyes. The controlled mask had vanished. His features had relaxed and his eyes turned dull. He was kneeling in front of me like a lifeless apathic statue.
"To win this war you must sacrifice yourself," Blaise muttered shocked. He blinked but his eyes did not focus. "Everyone who fights him is killing you as well."
"No, Blaise," I whispered defeated. "Severus said the same but it's my father… My father is killing me, no one else."
"No," my brother said softly. Never before had I heard so much pain in his voice. "He isn't killing you. He won't. I won't lose you…"
"Draco," my voice broke.
"I can't lose you. I can't," Draco muttered to himself. "There has to be another way. Surely there's a cure. You're a Fairy. You're stronger than-"
"Draco," I cried and cupped his face in shaking hands.
That seemed to snap him out of his trance. His features contorted in anger. Silver eyes were darkening in pain. He clenched his teeth to prevent his lips from trembling. Cold hands took a hold of my wrists and pushed them down.
"You will not die!" Draco got to his feet and glared down at me. "I haven't fought three years to get you to talk to me again for nothing. I won't… I… No." His expression softened and his eyes became distant. Slowly, he turned away and approached the lake. The helpless, defeated expression on his face made my heart flatter with fear.
A new wave of sobs left my body shaking. I pressed my forehead on my knees, my hands clutching fistful of hair and pulling brutally. But the pressure in my heart only grew stronger by the second. My hands relaxed their grip when I finally started crying. Fear and desperation overwhelmed my entire being and controlled my soul. I was crying because of Severus' pain. I was crying because of the pain I had just seen in the eyes of my beloved brother. Because of Blaise. Because of Derek. Because of my shattered dreams and hopes.
Buried deeply in my agony did I realize only now that I had always had a real family. Severus was an essential part of it, so was Draco. Blaise and Derek were my best friends and knew me so much better than the Gryffindors. They had learned about me by observing and listening to me, something the Gryffindors had never truly done. No one in my small family had ever lied to me nor had I lied to any of the four of them.
A part of me was crying because I wanted for this agonizing pain to end. I did not want to be the reason for my family's suffering. I wanted to have my own life – not the terrifying shadow of an axe looming over me wherever I went.
I was clutching my hair when my body curled up. My knees were sinking into the cold grass, my elbows cutting off the blood flow by pressing deeply in my thighs. But all I felt was a numbing yet agonizing pressure in my heart, my soul and body.
I was mourning my family, my life and my death.
Hands on my shoulders pushed me up. My hands were being pulled out of my hair and they fell lifeless in my lap. Somebody kneeled in front of me, their thighs touching mine. Arms pulled me in a tight embrace and I buried my face in my brother's shoulder. Draco's body was trembling against mine. He was pressing his face in my hair and taking shaky breaths.
It took me some time to realize that Blaise had wrapped his hands around mine and that his forehead was resting against my shoulder. My hand tightened and he gave it a gentle squeeze.
Time passed yet neither of us was willing to move. No words were needed to understand each other. We had grown up and lived together only for a few years but the bond we were sharing ran deep. We were part of the same family. We were suffering the same pain…
"So that's it then. You're just giving up?" Draco grumbled icily.
"No, I'm not. But there is nothing I can do," I responded quietly and shifted my head in his lap. My body lay curled up against his outstretched legs.
My brother scoffed but I heard the pain lacing his voice. "You don't know that."
"Yes, I do," I muttered softly and relentless coldness ran through my veins. "I cut my mark this summer."
My brother's legs tensed under my head and I practically felt his stare on my face. "What?"
I closed my eyes and buried my face in his thighs. I felt Draco's hand on my shoulder when my body began shaking. "I wanted to destroy it although I knew it was useless. The physical pain… made my fear and this pain more bearable… Every day, I was cutting my arm… I didn't want the curse to be true because… because then I would have to accept that I have no future."
"And now you do?" Blaise asked quietly and looked down at me. He was sitting with his arms resting on his knees, his back leaning against my legs.
I sighed and swallowed the thick lump in my throat. "What choice do I have when it's the truth?"
"And what does Snape say about this? Is he playing along with your defeat?"
"I don't want to talk about it," I muttered darkly and my heart grew heavy in my chest. Draco ran his hand up and down my upper arm.
"Do you know we're supposed to attend a career advice with our Head of House?"
A deep sigh escaped my lips. "Yes… Professor McGonagall told me the last time she called me back after class. Apparently, she wanted me to know in advance as not to get the idea to skip it. The mere thought is appalling though."
Blaise shifted against my legs and frowned down at me. "What happened in Transfigurations today anyway?"
Reluctantly, I lifted myself into a sitting position between my brother and best friend. Although my heart felt heavy in my chest I felt embarrassed all the sudden. I pulled my legs to my chest and stared at the dark water. "I just didn't want – couldn't perform the spell… It felt so wrong when I had this mouse in front of me, feeling its curiosity and fear."
"I thought you learned to turn it off by now," Draco said confused and raised his eyebrow at me. "And it's just a Vanishing Spell. Nothing serious."
I whipped my head around and glared at him. "Yes, well you didn't feel what I felt when Hermione vanished her mouse. One moment there was the soul of a living being on the table and the next… gone, nothing left."
"Let me guess," Blaise said wearily, "you compare this vanishing to killing, don't you?"
I bit the inside of my cheek and stared gloomy at my feet. "It feels like it."
My brother groaned and leaned on his arms. He rolled his eyes and sneered. "And where do you think McGonagall got these mice from? Chased them in the castle perhaps?"
I let out an annoyed huff but remained silent. Of course I knew that she transfigured or conjured the animals we used in class. But it didn't change how vanishing a living being felt for me. "What does it matter anyway? She will merely tell me again that the Vanishing Spell is required for the exam and that I have no choice. Just like the stupid career advice, my life, my father… I never have a choice."
"You just told us the truth. I suppose that could count as your choice," Draco muttered coolly. Sad grey eyes looked at me. A cold shiver ran down my spine at my brother's defeated expression.
"I suppose, yes. Although, I probably should have told you sooner," I mumbled sheepishly and bit the inside of my cheek.
"Yeah, you're a blundering idiot. Nothing new," my brother said drily but a smirk played around his lips. A warm feeling settled in the pit of my stomach when the heavy weight lifted from my shoulders.
A sudden push on my shoulder made me lose my balance and fall on my brother. "Hey," I exclaimed and glared at Blaise.
A smug expression masked his features as he stared at me without a care in the world. "That's for leaving me alone with Draco's grumpiness and mood swings."
My brother pushed me off his lap and cast our friend a half-hearted glare. "You know, you got a lot of nerve for a wimp."
Blaise chuckled and smirked provocative. "I may be a wimp, but at least I'm not a nerve-wrecking, brooding drama queen."
I failed to suppress the laugh but tried to hide it with a cough. Draco's jaw twitched and I knew he wanted to say something else, but then he grunted and averted his glare. Blaise laughed triumphantly and I smirked at him.
"In a huff now?" I teased and chuckled when my brother cast me a warning look.
"You don't make it easy to love you, sister," Draco sneered.
I smiled smugly. "And yet you are obstinate in your desire to do so."
"You seem very sure about this," my brother teased and my heart flattered in my chest when I saw the mirth in his eyes.
"I never doubted you," I said and frowned thoughtful. "Alright, maybe I did, but it was your own fault. Your act of the cold-hearted, spoiled child was too convincing sometimes."
Draco rolled his eyes and smirked to himself. "That was the point. How else should I have succeeded in breaking your resolve to ignore me? You brought this upon yourself, Arya."
"I know it's hard for you to understand how I feel," I huffed mockingly, "but I care a lot about the lousily styled hair on top of your head. I could never forgive myself if this coiffure would be messed up because of me."
"Too late for that," Blaise snorted. "Do you know how many times this arrogant moron ruined his hair, all the while going on and on about Gryffindors? I was so close to locking you into a broom closet to sort this out, but then I found my time too precious to waste it with detention."
"Don't expect my gratitude now," my brother smirked smugly. "I would have hexed you before detention though."
"There you are," a new voice exclaimed annoyed. The three of us whirled around. Hermione was approaching us with quick steps. Her glare was fixing Draco and Blaise. My heart was beating furiously in my chest as we stood up to face her. The tension was palpable in the fresh air around us.
"What happened?" I asked cautiously and frowned at her.
"Professor McGonagall asked me to tell you that she's expecting you in her office as soon as possible," Hermione huffed and cast my brother and Blaise a disgusted look.
I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Great."
"Well, you ran out of her classroom," Draco stated drily. A blonde eyebrow cocked when I stared at him. "What did you expect?"
"Not helping, Draco. So not helping," I grumbled and he chuckled.
"Anyway, she's awaiting you so you should go," Hermione interrupted our squabble and watched me pointedly.
"Of course." Sighing, I turned to my brother who was watching Hermione with a calculating expression. "Draco?"
My brother snapped out of his state and blinked. Then he nodded at me, unbothered coldness masking his features. "Let's go."
Three sets of eyes flickered to him with mixed emotions, but he merely kept looking at Hermione. Confused, I furrowed my eyebrows and touched his arm. "What are you doing, Draco?"
"Coming with you," my brother replied casually and frowned.
"Impressive, you got a sense of humour that isn't building on insults," Hermione snapped icily and glared at Draco.
Grey eyes turned cold. "You don't know me, Granger."
"Obviously," she replied disgusted, "otherwise I would've to question Arya's sanity."
Before I could say something, my brother approached her. "Hate me as much as you like, but if you have only half as much brain as everybody believes, you won't question my sister's loyalties, Granger. As disappointing as it might be there are many things you can't learn out of books. How life works is one of them."
"Draco," I said solemnly and watched him with warm eyes, "now isn't the right time."
My brother turned his head and sneered darkly at me. "Sure, there will never be the right time. And while your Gryffindors deem it amusing to drag you in all kind of dangers which always end with you in the Hospital Wing, I have to stand back and watch. I'm sick of this, Arya, and I'm sick of these do-gooder."
"Sure, claim to be better than what you truly are, Malfoy. Because you're such a good person," Hermione hissed angrily and glared at my seething brother.
"I rather prefer pretending to be a heartless snob instead of an openhearted know-it-all who claims to be so faultless," Draco snarled dangerously. "Enlighten me, Granger, can you look me in the eyes and say that you would have been willing to befriend my sister if she would have been sorted into Slytherin? Can you tell me that you never doubted anything she said or did because of who she is?"
I wanted to say something to calm my brother but I found myself frozen on the spot as Hermione and Draco were glaring at each other. My heart was beating rapidly in my chest as I stared at Hermione, waiting for her to answer in my favour. The tension grew thicker and my heart heavier by the second. Hermione's softened gaze flickered to me. I felt as if my lungs were imploding and my body turned cold.
"I suppose that means no," Draco said sharply, his voice as hard as the steel-grey eyes. "She's good enough to help and risk her life for you but if it concerns trust, you suddenly feel legitimated to doubt her? That's spineless and disgusting, Granger – not my definition of friendship."
Hermione swallowed and I suddenly felt uncomfortable under her unwavering stare. There was a silent plead in her eyes but I could not ignore the pain of betrayal that had nested itself in my heart. My veins felt as if they could burst any moment, leaving an aching pressure in my mind.
"I suppose I should go then," I muttered hurt and averted my gaze from her. The blood was rushing loudly through my ear as I turned around and looked for my bag. All the sudden, Blaise was standing in front of me with the bag in hand. A reassuring smile was playing around his lips but concern flickered in his eyes.
"You aren't alone with this anymore. Don't forget that."
I nodded curtly and swung the bag over my shoulder. My eyes were itching and I bit the inside of my cheek. Draco had turned his back to the other Gryffindor and closed the gap between us. I sighed when he wrapped his arms around me.
"I won't leave you, Arya. Just don't push me away again," he said lowly in my ear and I nodded against his cheek.
"I won't. You have my word," I pulled back and smiled sadly, "brother."
Draco hesitated before resting his forehead against mine. My eyes closed automatically and my hands wandered to his shoulders. To my surprise, Draco cupped my cheek with his warm hand and placed a chaste kiss on my forehead. Warmth filled my veins and eased the pressure in my chest. My brother's expression was unreadable when he pulled back but a vulnerability I had never seen before flickered in his eyes. Smiling warmly, I leaned closer and kissed his cheek.
"I will see you soon," I cast them a smile before turning and walking past Hermione without looking at her. I heard her loud steps behind me and clenched my jaw.
"Arya, wait," she said urgently and appeared next to me. I ignored her and simply stared ahead as I marched back towards the castle. "Look, what Malfoy said-"
"I don't want to hear excuses or lies, Hermione," I snapped angrily but refused to look at her.
"You're one to tell," she huffed and exhaled deeply. "But would you at least listen to me?"
"I said I didn't want to hear excuses or lies, not that I wouldn't listen," I said coldly.
"Just stop being so difficult for once," she exclaimed desperately and I felt her pleading eyes on me. "About what Malfoy said, how can anyone know what would've happened if you had been sorted into Slytherin. Although, it's a very disturbing thought to be honest. But you must admit that you being who you are leaves some questions. The thing you said about You-Know-Who's victims – about what happens to them, for example. I trust you, Arya. We trust you but how do you know this? How do you know all these things about him if your mother died when you were so young?"
"You trust me yet you couldn't answer his questions with a simple yes," I stated sarcastically as I whirled around to her. We were standing in the entrance of the Great Hall. Ignoring the students around us, I glared at her.
"And why is that? Because it would have made a difference if I had been sorted into Slytherin. Because my origin means that I must have a spark of darkness in me or that I must at least have a tendency for being manipulative, a liar or cold-hearted. You know what Ron said during our first train ride to Hogwarts? All Slytherins are evil and that there is no Slytherin who hasn't become evil. You want to fight for House unity? Then put your prejudices aside instead of only speaking about it. But how could you possibly try if you cannot even trust your friend. I didn't chose my father-"
"Ms. Jackson," drawled a familiar velvety voice from behind me. We turned around and I found myself under Severus' unwavering cold stare. His gaze flickered from my angered expression to Hermione. "Your Head of House is expecting you in her office, certainly your friend told you by now."
I clenched my jaw and nodded curtly. Severus stared at me and I saw the confusion in his eyes. My heartbeat calmed as his scent enwrapped me in a soothing embrace.
"We can talk about it later," Hermione said quietly and I cast her a dark look.
"There is nothing to talk about. I am who I am and either you trust me or you don't. Quite simple if you ask me," I muttered and clutched my bag tightly. "And please don't tell me you trust me if you don't mean it."
"Jackson, if you are quite done," Severus growled and annoyance filed over his pale features, leaving his black eyes flashing even darker. He lowered his voice so that only Hermione and I could hear him. "If I were you, I wouldn't speak about this matter in the middle of the corridor. Now run along before I change my mind about abducting house points."
Without another glance at Hermione I whirled around and left towards Professor McGonagall's office. My heart grew even heavier when I thought about having to explain myself to her. Why did things have to be so complicated? At least my brother and Blaise knew the truth now and I knew for sure that they would not pity me. I had seen the eyes from the Order members on me and they had been too sympathetic, too pitiful. As terrible as the curse was, I would not give in and end up in another depression. I would fight but I could not do that if the Gryffindors knew the truth. When their sorrow followed me everywhere I went.
