Chapter Seventy-Eight
"So, come on
I'll take you on, take you on
Why don't you come
Don't you come a little closer
So, come on now
Strike a match, strike a match now
We're a perfect match, perfect somehow
We were meant for one another
Come a little closer"
– Fire Meet Gasoline [Sia]
'I'm sorry,' Tony choked out and Loki was immediately on him. He crawled onto the bed and onto Tony's lap, hands coming up to Tony's face to hold it tenderly between large palms.
'Hush,' Loki said, 'Tony, it's okay; you're home, you're safe.'
Tony was crying; heavy, chest-heaving sobs that stung his eyes and made it difficult to breathe. Every single emotion he'd kept bottled up while held prisoner aboard the Helicarrier finally broke free. Staring into Loki's bright eyes, Tony realised what he could have lost. If he'd gotten too cocky, too smart; if SHIELD had decided to be done with him and actually killed him.
He could have lost Loki.
Tony choked on his next sob, hiccupped when Loki hushed him again and tugged him forward. Tony's face was pressed into a cool neck and he latched onto Loki's chest and tugged him forward. Loki allowed it, and then wrapped his arms around Tony and just hugged him.
Loki held him tightly, too tightly, but it was exactly what Tony needed. He could feel Loki's magic pressing against his skin, only held back by Loki's expert control. Tony's chest ached and he craved Loki so much it physically hurt. He coughed and spluttered into Loki's neck, he choked out more tears and rubbed his aching face against Loki's shirt. Loki began smoothing his hands down Tony's own back, murmurs escaping every few seconds; 'It's okay… you're safe… I missed you… shh…'
Tony cried until he physically couldn't cry any more. All that escaped were more hiccups, little whimpers he didn't hide. Loki hummed and his fingers were suddenly in Tony's hair. He carded long fingers through Tony's hair, oily from his stay aboard the Helicarrier. Tony choked back another sob.
'Hush,' Loki murmured. 'Let it all out, Tony.'
'I'm sorry,' Tony whispered. His voice was hoarse, raw, throat sore and tongue thick in his mouth. He sniffed but his nose was blocked.
Loki hummed again. 'You have nothing to apologise for.'
Tony pushed back to stare Loki in the eyes. Loki remained seated on Tony's lap, one hand still in Tony's hair. His other dropped to Tony's chest; his large palm covered Tony's arc reactor and Loki dug his fingers into Tony's skin through his t-shirt.
'I could have lost you,' Loki said, and it was like a secret; one that was whispered, hushed, for Tony and Tony only. 'Without you I was… I didn't… I ached for you,' Loki said. He sounded equal parts awed and terrified.
Fresh tears sprung into Tony's eyes. He wanted to scrub them away; scrub away what he'd put Loki through. Nobody should put that kind of terror into Loki's voice. And it had been Tony.
'I'm so sorry,' Tony choked out. 'It was my fault.'
Loki was already shaking his head, but Tony wouldn't let him brush this aside. He wouldn't let Loki forget who was responsible for all of this.
'I let them kidnap me!' Tony snapped. It came out harsher than he'd intended. He had Loki's full attention now, the Jötunn's lips parted ever so slightly as he stared Tony down. 'I did that, Loki! You were there! You were right there!'
'And I should have saved you,' Loki said.
'I told you not to!' Tony shouted. 'I did this- me!'
Loki tugged him forward, Tony's face pressed into his chest. 'Stop,' Loki ordered. There was strength behind the word, magic. Tony could feel it churning in Loki's chest. 'You did what you thought was best.'
'I did it to stroke my own ego!' Tony muttered. His voice was muffled by Loki's shirt. 'It's the only reason. I wanted to taunt them; I wanted the media to stalk them. It wasn't worth it, Loki. I let them lock me up like some fucking animal and they… they took…'
He squeezed his eyes shut, because he didn't want to think about it. Not only did SHIELD now have his blood samples and whatever else they'd cut out of him, but they'd reduced Tony to nothing. They'd strapped him down, knocked him out, and taken whatever they'd wanted.
Tony hadn't been in control. He'd been completely at SHIELD's mercy. And he'd sworn to himself that it would never happen again. Not after Afghanistan.
And he'd let himself get caught.
'Tony-' Loki tried, but Tony wrenched himself back.
'Don't you forgive me for this,' he growled, 'not for this. Look at you!'
Because Loki looked like shit; there were no other words for it. He clearly hadn't slept, had barely eaten, since Tony was taken. Tony had yearned for Loki every second he was locked in that cage. Loki loved and hated with his entire being, all-consuming emotions that raged if not kept in check. What had Loki felt while Tony was stuck in that cell?
'I'm fine,' Loki tried, but when Tony huffed, he sighed. 'I will be well, now that you are home.' His eyes turned soft and he reached up to cup Tony's cheek. He smoothed one thumb over Tony's uneven stubble. 'I missed you,' he said, and now he was crying.
I did that, Tony thought.
'I thought we could handle the separation,' Loki continued, eyes continuing to water. 'Every second you were gone I ached for you. I wanted nothing more than to teleport into that cell and bring you home.'
'I told you not to,' Tony gasped out, because he could see what was happening; what Loki was doing. 'Don't you… don't you fucking dare blame yourself for any of this.'
Loki was shaking his head. 'I should have-'
'I TOLD YOU NOT TO!' Tony shouted.
'And when have I ever listened to anyone?' Loki snapped back; his tone was sharp.
They both paused, staring each other down. It was Tony who broke first. He tipped forward and pressed his face back into Loki's chest. 'I love you,' he whispered, 'I love you so fucking much.'
Loki's hands were back in his hair, on his back, smoothing over every inch of Tony he could reach. 'Nothing,' he said, 'nothing,' he repeated and pulled Tony's head up, 'will ever keep me from you again.' With that he pressed his lips against Tony's, and for the second time that night Tony broke.
He threw his arms around Loki and tugged him forward, even as Loki was wrenching him up, closer, closer, impossibly close so that there was no air between them, so that nothing could pull them apart. Their noses bumped, their teeth clacked, but Tony just kissed Loki harder and harder until he couldn't breathe, his chest aching and his hands shaking where they gripped any part of Loki he could get.
They only broke apart when Tony was sure that he was going to pass out, chest heaving and face wet with tears and saliva. Loki was pressing soft kisses against his cheeks, his face, a final one on his lips before he pulled back.
'I love you,' Tony said.
Loki smiled softly. 'I love you,' he said, 'more than anything.'
'I know,' Tony responded, because it needed to be said; Loki needed to hear it. 'I know you do,' he mumbled and hugged Loki again. 'I fucking love you so much.'
They went quiet after that. They were still pressed together, Loki stroking Tony's back and Tony clinging to Loki's sides. Loki shifted after a few minutes and lifted himself up.
'Lie down,' he said. Tony did as he was told but didn't let Loki go. He reached out and kept two fingers hooked under the sleeve of Loki's shirt as Loki manoeuvred himself beneath the blanket.
And then Loki was beside him, entire body pressed up against Tony. Tony sighed happily when Loki was settled against his back, one arm tucked under Tony's head and the other curled possessively around Tony's chest.
'You need to rest,' Loki murmured into Tony's ear. Tony's magic was finally settling, a warm, content glow in his chest. He could feel Loki's power pressing in all around him…
But still restrained, even now. Because of course Loki wouldn't lose control, even in a moment like this.
'I love you,' Tony mumbled. It was all he could think to say. They still needed to talk; Tony needed to get it through Loki's head that there was no one to blame for this but himself.
But he was so tired. And Loki was a cool, calming presence behind him, humming in Tony's ear and rubbing around his arc reactor.
'Sleep, Tony,' Loki whispered. 'We will talk later.'
…
Tony didn't realise he'd fallen asleep until he was awake again. He and Loki had moved while they slept; Loki was on his back and Tony had sprawled out on top of him, legs hooked around one of Loki's, head on his chest, arms clinging to Loki and refusing to let go.
Tony huffed a small laugh and sniffed back a tear. Fuck, he still felt like bursting into hysterical tears every time he looked at Loki. There were dark, patchy bruises beneath his usually brilliant eyes. Even the green had dulled since Tony had last seen him. They were closed, now, which was good; Loki looked like he needed the sleep.
He moved ever so slightly, trying to sit up and not wake Loki at the same time. But Loki twitched at his side as soon as Tony was on all fours and his eyes flew open.
They locked with Tony's immediately. Tony gave him a sheepish grin. 'Sorry,' he whispered, 'didn't mean to wake you.'
'Do you need anything?' Loki asked, already sitting.
Tony sighed. 'No,' he said, even though he was thirsty. His stomach rolled uncomfortably; he wasn't sure if he was hungry or about to be sick. ''m fine,' Tony mumbled.
Loki sat properly and Tony joined him, both propped up against the headboard. Tony glanced around.
'Is this a guest room?'
Loki nodded. 'On Banner's floor,' he said.
'Oh.'
'We did not wish to move you,' Loki said. When Tony glanced at him, Loki frowned. 'You were badly injured.'
Tony only remembered bits and pieces. 'I remember the cell I was in falling,' he murmured. Loki's eyes snapped to him, narrowed sharply. 'I was fighting Romanov,' Tony continued, because it needed to be said. Loki needed to know how much Tony had fucked up. 'I was terrified,' Tony admitted, 'and then I was so fucking angry. I couldn't let myself die because of her. And then I…'
'You what?' Loki said when Tony had trailed off.
'Teleported,' Tony said, 'I know I said I wouldn't do it again, but I just-'
'Tony,' Loki interrupted. He took Tony's hands in his own and squeezed gently. 'I don't care what you did,' Loki said. 'You're safe. That's all that matters.'
Tony took a shuddering breath. Fuck, he was gonna cry again. 'I don't… it's blurry,' he said, 'I remember the Avengers being there, and Bruce was in a cell… I remember power.' He looked at Loki. 'It was like there was so… much inside me, and I could control it. It was all mine. I could barely contain it and it wasn't like anything I've felt before. Like my magic and just… something else, something more, that was suddenly mine. And then…'
Loki was silent.
'I don't…' Tony clenched his teeth in frustration. Loki rubbed circles on the back of his hands. 'I can't remember,' he growled, 'it's all hazy. There was blood and screaming and Barton told me to run- I think?' He shook his head roughly and reached up to scrub angrily at his face. Loki squeezed the hand he was still holding. 'I can't-'
'It happens,' Loki said. His tone was soothing. 'When you have access to that much power, it can be difficult to process. You aren't used to it; of course you were overwhelmed.'
'But what was it?' Tony said. 'It felt like me but wasn't. I was… so angry and scared.'
'Tony,' Loki said, and Tony turned to look at him. 'It was me,' Loki told him.
Tony jolted. 'What?'
'The power you felt,' Loki said, 'you took it from me.'
'I… what?!'
'You've done it before,' Loki said. He touched his arm, covered by the sleeve of his shirt. 'When I injured myself and you healed me; you took my experience. You have grown so much more since then. You've experienced my magic before.'
'That… that was you?' Tony demanded. Because all of that power. The sheer force of it had been enough to send Tony mad; to make the Avengers, Midgard's strongest fighters, look like ants when compared to Tony. Tony had tried, so desperately, to harness it, and he knew he had, but only briefly. In the end he had lost and been consumed by it. After that… after that he woke up to Loki's face.
'Yes,' was all Loki said.
'But how?' Tony said. 'It's not possible. You took my magic once, but we were together; I was in my mindscape.'
'I know,' Loki said, 'it should not be possible, but you did it.'
Tony pushed himself closer to Loki, as though he could taste that power just by pressing himself up against his partner. But right now, Loki was mostly calm; tired, hungry, stressed. But he didn't feel like a supernova about to explode. 'How's it possible, then?' he asked softly. 'Loki, what I felt-'
'Is what I feel every time I lose control,' Loki interrupted. Tony glanced at him. Loki's eyes were staring at something only he could see. 'When Odin told me the truth of my birth… all I felt was rage. Betrayal. I was consumed by it. And my magic…' He shook his head. 'It was why I tried to destroy my birth realm,' he said.
And Tony could picture it so clearly now. He would have ripped the Helicarrier apart. He would have slaughtered the Avengers, the SHIELD agents… he would have spilled the blood of every single person aboard the Helicarrier, regardless of who they were or what they'd done. He would have levelled an entire city just to escape and find Loki again.
While he still couldn't fully understand how Loki had felt at that exact moment in his life, he finally knew why Loki was capable of destroying entire worlds. He didn't just have the power; he also had the rage. To be consumed by all of that… nothing would escape that frenzy.
'How do you deal with it?' Tony asked, awe in his tone that he was unable to hide.
Loki smiled ever so slightly, and his eyes finally snapped back to now. 'Not well,' he said.
A giggle escaped before Tony could contain it. Loki's smile softened.
'I don't know how you did it,' Loki murmured. 'We aren't fully bonded yet. It is unlike anything I have read. The research available is sparse; bonded couples rarely divulge everything to even the most curious scholar.'
Yeah, Tony could see that. He didn't exactly feel like discussing what he and Loki had with anyone.
'All we can do is continue to search for answers,' Loki said, 'and train. I will ensure that you cannot do it again.'
'Yeah,' Tony agreed easily. Because while he couldn't deny that he'd enjoyed the power rush, having that much magic at his fingertips… no, Tony couldn't control it. He wasn't like Loki. He didn't know how the fuck Loki was able to contain all of that, and he knew without a doubt that he'd snap if he had access to it whenever he wanted. 'We should do that as soon as possible.'
'Yes,' Loki said, 'when you are healthy.'
When he was healthy. Tony felt drained; absolutely, completely fucking exhausted. His nap with Loki had been nice. Hell, just being with Loki was making everything okay. But he still felt uncomfortable in his own skin. There was an itch he couldn't scratch, like dirt had imbedded itself beneath his skin and it shifted with every breathe he took. His throat was dry and there was a pressure in his temples; not a headache, but a warning that he needed more rest.
'Yeah,' Tony repeated. He slid down against the headboard ever so slightly. 'Trust me; I'm not in any shape to do anything.'
'Do you want something to eat?' Loki asked.
Tony shook his head. 'Not right now, thank you. I want…' He trailed off and just reached for Loki instead of asking. Loki went with him willingly, allowing Tony to manhandle him back down onto the mattress. Tony was the big spoon this time and he buried his face in Loki's hair. It smelled like Loki, like the Tower, like sweat and home. 'Thank you,' he mumbled again. He wasn't sure what, exactly, he was thanking Loki for. Maybe for just being with Tony. For singing a contract with a dumb ass mortal.
Loki didn't answer. He just wrapped tangled his hands with Tony's and squeezed gently.
…
Tony slept longer this time. He could feel it when he opened his eyes. There were crusty and sore, and scrubbing at them did jack shit. He groaned and flopped back down.
Loki was still beside him and Tony got all up in that, rubbing his face between Loki's shoulder blades and snaking a hand up his shirt.
Loki chuckled. 'It's good to see you more like yourself.'
''m getting there,' Tony mumbled. At least he didn't feel like crying. He didn't think his eyes could handle it. 'I just wanna snuggle,' he said and did just that, pushing his body further against Loki's.
Loki allowed him a few minutes of respite before saying, 'We still have much to discuss.'
'Yeah,' Tony said. He knew they did. They had to get it all out in the open. He didn't want Loki fucking blaming himself for Tony's mistakes. They had to talk about SHIELD, about what Tony had missed, about their plans and Bruce and-
Tony jerked upright, eyes wide and heart stuttering in his chest. Loki flipped over. 'Tony?'
'Bruce?' Tony said.
Loki heaved out a sigh of relief. 'Safe,' he said and pushed Tony down. 'I teleported to the Helicarrier but you had already escaped. I removed Bruce from his cell and brought him back to the Tower.'
'You did?'
Loki nodded. 'I couldn't leave him there,' he said, like it was obvious; like Loki would never even consider leaving Bruce behind.
'What?' Tony said. 'Since when do you care about Bruce?'
'He is your friend,' Loki said, frowned. 'And… he is not my friend, but he is not just an ally. He is…' Loki huffed in frustrating, clearly unable to label Bruce.
It was… kind of adorable. 'You've made a friend,' Tony said.
Loki was still frowning. 'I just said-'
Tony cut him off with a hug. He pressed kisses to Loki's cheek, his chin when Loki moved beneath him. 'Thank you,' he said. 'I wanted to save him, but-' Flashes of memory startled Tony. He could clearly see Bruce in his cell, an understanding smile on his face. The word run looped through Tony's head. 'I didn't wanna leave him,' Tony said.
'I know,' Loki said. 'Banner told us what happened. And JARVIS downloaded everything before wiping it from SHIELD's servers.'
Tony smiled. 'Love you, J.'
'I love you too, Mr Stark,' JARVIS responded from above them. There was so much emotion in his computerised voice- no, not computerised. Not anymore. Tony laughed. 'And may I say, welcome back, Mr Stark.'
'Good to be back, JARVIS,' Tony said. 'Did you take care of Loki while I was gone?'
JARVIS was ominously silent. Tony sat up quickly.
'JARVIS?'
'I tried, Mr Stark,' JARVIS said, hesitance in his voice.
'What does that mean?' Tony demanded. When JARVIS didn't answer, he rounded on Loki. 'What does he mean?'
Loki deflated. It was like he'd been holding himself up, being strong for Tony, and suddenly couldn't do it anymore.
And it fucking terrified Tony. 'Loki?' His voice shook and Loki sat up quickly, put distance between them. 'Loki, you're scaring me. What happened?'
'Many things,' Loki said, voice near toneless. Tony reached for him, but Loki jerked back. The hurt that cascaded through Tony's body must have shown on his face, because Loki started to panic. 'It's not your fault- I did it, it was me,' he said in a rush, face suddenly in Tony's, hands on his face. 'You must believe me.'
'Loki-'
'I would never do it,' Loki gasped. He was crying, a sob escaping before Tony could utter a word. 'I would never, but I thought… for a second-'
'LOKI!' Tony shouted and shook Loki by the shoulders. Loki shut up immediately, eyes wide and mouth gasping for breath. 'What happened, what-'
'I thought about running.'
The bottom of Tony's entire fucking world dropped. Everything was white noise and the room pressed in on him. His magic leapt out oh him and crashed into the ceiling, the walls, flung the dresser across the room and cracked every picture nailed to the walls. Tony's chest was too tight, and his heart was going to rip straight through his arc reactor. His chest ached and Tony felt hot and cold, felt fire and ice pour over him and burn him from the inside, freeze his skin and shatter it off of him, he-
Loki gasped in pain and dropped. His hands went to his head and he whimpered, choked out a whine full of pain when Tony's gaze snapped to him.
'Loki?' he choked out. The world shifted again, and everything clicked back into place. Tony's entire body sagged, suddenly completely spent. Loki stopped whining. 'L-Loki…' Tony mumbled. He clawed at Loki's thigh, then his stomach, got a hand on Loki's smooth stomach-
They were together suddenly, dropped into a world of swirling galaxies. The sky was a mess of stars and gases, bright purples and blues and orange all melded together.
Tony shivered against the sudden bone-chilling wind that whipped against his skin. The ground beneath him was a thick, smooth sheet of ice. There were jagged blue spires in the distance, curling up and striking the sky as far as Tony could see.
It was too bright, yet the sky was dark above them. In the distance a snowstorm beat against the world, but it didn't touch them.
Loki was crouched standing before him. He slumped when he caught Tony's eyes and Tony went with him.
'Loki?' he questioned.
'I'm sorry,' Loki said. He wasn't crying here, but his voice was still wet. 'I would never run; you must believe me.'
'Loki-'
Loki cut him off. He surged forward to grab at Tony's hips, his face turned upwards as though seeking forgiveness. 'It was just for a second,' he said, 'and I felt sick. The thought of not being with you; not listening to you talk about your suits; not eating with you or sleeping by your side. Not watching as you make me tea, buy me books, doing… everything.' Loki sobbed and squeezed his eyes shut. 'The thought of never seeing you again made me sick.'
Tony dropped to his knees and tugged Loki into a hug. 'I'm sorry,' Loki gasped, 'I'm so sorry.'
'Don't be,' Tony whispered. Because he could picture it so easily. Loki trapped in the Tower, in pain and far removed from Tony; not wanting to be but separated because of Tony. Loki had always talked about the poisonous voices that whispered to him; his own mind, that darkness that Tony was so attracted to. It wasn't always a good thing. When it got to be too much Loki always retreated. He ran because he was so used to getting hurt. And he'd seen what happened when he stayed.
When he stayed, Loki tried to destroy worlds.
'It's okay,' Tony said, 'Loki, I promise, it's okay.'
'But it's not,' Loki cried. He sounded so broken that Tony's own chest tightened. 'I wanted to leave.'
'For one fucking second,' Tony fought back. 'We all think like that, Loki. I know you won't leave. I know you. You won't leave me.'
'I won't,' Loki promised.
'I know,' Tony repeated. He rubbed Loki's back and hugged him tighter. 'It doesn't matter what you think, Loki. You're here. You're with me, where you belong. Nothing is taking you away from me, do you understand?'
It was a promise and a threat. Because Tony would destroy everything if it meant he got to keep Loki. He didn't care who or what got on his way. If anybody even thought about taking Loki away, Tony wouldn't hesitate to take the entire fucking Nine Realms down with him.
'I love you,' Tony said, 'and you love me. I know, okay? I know, Loki.'
The wind bit at Tony's skin, harsher, faster, and all at once it pulled. Tony opened his eyes. He was on the bed in one of his guest rooms, Loki crying in his arms.
'I know,' he repeated and hugged Loki tighter, so tight that his arms shook with the effort. 'I love you,' Tony whispered. 'Don't ever think otherwise. Nothing will take you away, not even you.' His voice was dark, and it met the same within Loki.
Because Loki drew back to look at him, and in that moment, Tony felt more connected to Loki then he ever had before. Everything within him met with everything within Loki; mind, magic, and whatever soul either of them might have left.
'Do you promise?' Loki asked. His voice was full of venom, of that same poison that so often tried to destroy him.
Tony kissed Loki then, because he had never been surer of anything in his life. Loki was it.
He was everything.
'I promise,' he said against Loki's lips. The kiss Loki gave him in return was dark and needy, filled with love and passion and a dangerous obsession.
Tony welcomed it with everything he was.
