Chapter 20

I'm not sure at what point my life was supposed to feel like my own. I mean, I understand that it's me behind the wheel but do you ever feel like you've actually been in the passenger seat this whole time? Watching someone or something make the decisions while you empty heartedly agree because what's the point in changing anything? Would it bring my mom back? Would it make me not be a basket case?

It's too convenient to pretend like my choices are not my own, I guess. But here's the thing, these last few days, I've felt like every single decision has been life or death. Maybe it's the teenage drama that everyone seems to talk about. Maybe I'm the poster child for adolescent problems.

Who knows?

The only thing I do know is that I am sitting in Plant Biology, knowing that Edward is going to walk in any second and I have to decide. Right now- whether or not I want to continue letting him into my life.

Why right now?

Why not? When are you supposed to make decisions like this? The funny thing is, I thought I had decided. I told him to stay away. Why wasn't he fazed by this? He acted like I had simply told him my favorite color in the car and then completely ignored me at lunch. I could be overanalyzing. I could just be looking for things that aren't there to find excuses to talk to him.

But I could also be right. Something is off and I owe it to myself and especially to my dad to find out what. Why the mystery? Why all the vague hints? What does he know that I don't?

There's no way I was going to be able to let this go. At least for the sake of my dad's happiness, I was going to find out where all of this led to.

First step? Get Edward's guard down. Shouldn't be too difficult.

Next? Get closer to Esme. Somehow, she was involved. I just knew it. I was completely at peace with Edward in our home but the second she showed up, that's when things started to feel strange.

Lost in my thoughts, I didn't even notice Edward walk in. And I don't think he saw me either. He kept walking towards to back of the room and didn't even glance my way.

What the heck? What had changed between Calculus and now? I glanced back to where he had sat and we finally made eye contact. I think this was the first time I had seen Edward conflicted. Unsure. I motioned for him to come sit next to me and moved my backpack from where I was saving his seat.

He hesitated for a moment but sure enough got up and stopped at my desk.

"Bella."

"Edward, is everything okay? I didn't mean to get angry this morning, I'm sorry…" I trailed hoping that he would bite and he did.

"No, Bella. Everything is fine."

Except it clearly wasn't. He was barely making any eye contact. His smile was gone and he didn't even seem like he wanted to sit next to me.

"Edward, clearly something is up. You ignored me at lunch and now you're gonna act like you didn't see me sitting here?"

He exhaled deeply. Clearly contemplating what to say next.

"I have chemistry with your friend, Eli."

He folded his arms across his chest and looked ahead to the front of the classroom.

Eli? What could Eli have said to make him act this way? I waited for him to elaborate but he didn't.

"Yeah, he's an old family friend. Did he say something to you? Why are you acting like this?"

"No, Bella. He actually didn't say much."

"Okay….? Then, what?"

"Forget it. It's fine. We're fine." He started fidgeting with his notebook, his pen and pushed his hair back away from his face. He was clearly frustrated. But about what? God, what is with all this drama? Why couldn't he just say what was bothering him?

Just as I was about to press further, the class began.

I guess the only other person I could ask was Eli. Good thing I had detention with him after school.

The rest of the day wasn't any different. I went to my locker, changed books and repeated. I had two classes left and Edward was still being cold. By last period, I had hoped that he had loosened up a bit.

As much as I loved Biology, English was always my favorite class. Probably because I loved to read.

Edward was already seated in the back when I finally made it to class. I sat in front of him and turned around to see if his mood had improved.

"Been a while." I offered him a small smile and tested the waters. All I got was a smile back.

I had never seen Edward like this before. Granted, I'd only known him for a few weeks but nonetheless, this seemed so out of character for him.

I sighed and turned back around. After this class, I would head to detention and just ask Eli myself.

Mr. Chaney continued his lecture and ended class a little early on account of it being the first day.

"Hey, I have detention today. I can't give you a ride back but I can text Clay real quick and he should be here in a few." I continued gathering all of my stuff and shoving it into my backpack.

"Oh. How long is detention?" He paused to look at me. Actually look at me since first period this morning.

"Usually only 30 minutes."

"I'll just wait for you. I have to talk to the swim coach anyway."

"Oh. Okay."

We left the classroom together and went our separate ways at the end of the hallway.

I traded all my books with the ones I needed for homework from my locker and made my way to the small conference room/clubs room that detention was usually held.

Eli was already there.

"Bella! I don't know who's running this detention but they're still not here."

"They're always late at the end of the day." I sat all of my stuff down on the seat next to me and turned to Eli, ready for his interrogation.

"So, Edward said you guys have a class together."

I tried to keep my face neutral but the wheels were already spinning in my mind.

"Yeah…intense dude. He lives with you now?"

"Yup. He seemed really upset after he met you. Did you maybe say anything to him? About me?"

"Really? No, not at all. He introduced himself and sat down a seat over. We didn't talk about anything. Did he say that I upset him or something?"

"No, he didn't. Just mentioned that he met you. It must be something else, don't worry about it."

This didn't really make any sense. Why would Edward bring up Eli if they didn't even have a conversation? Now I felt like a bitch for just questioning Eli like this. After a pause, I tried to quickly change the subject.

"So, how is everything with you? How's your mom?"

He looked down at his hands that were resting on top of his desk and seemed to get lost in thought. Now I felt even worse.

This was also the first time I had really looked at Eli since this morning. He looked the same but…older. He had gained a little bit of weight. Filled out. His shoulders were a little broader. His hands more calloused. His eyes more reserved.

"She's okay. Better. She finally went back to work, too. After my dad died, she didn't want to go back to a hospital. Being a nurse and seeing people with similar injuries were really triggering for her. She's finally seeing someone, though. It's made a huge difference for her."

He offered me a small smile but seemed really uncomfortable.

"That's really great. I'm so glad."

"Hey, listen. I would love to have you and Haze over for one of our movie nights soon. Think you'd be down?"

"Yes. I think that would be really great. I feel like I've missed out on so much."

"Trust me, you did not miss out on anything. We've just been in our little bubble trying to stay afloat. Same as always."

Eli turned to me and waited a moment. Maybe contemplating on what to say next but I couldn't resist enjoying his attention. He had always drawn me in. Made me feel just a little too special.

"You were always so good at that, Bells. Staying afloat."

Before I could say anything, our awesome gym teacher walked in and cleared his throat.

"Well, get comfortable. Neither of you are leaving until I finish inputting these grades."

We both rolled our eyes and pulled out our homework. I wondered where Edward was and how long he would have to wait. I hated this anticipation.

If it wasn't Eli that had upset him, then what did?