I Don't Think There Is a Manual
Winski woke up, wincing as he did. The days were but a haze of pain and weariness. He vaguely recalled taking care of his basic bodily functions, but other than that it was just the unstoppable stream of the wrongness he had committed, the pain he had caused. He had cried more than he had in his entire lifetime, he was so weary and numb. Jelena kept comforting him, telling him he would get through it, but once he gained some strength the torment was there again. He realized that that it took so long was in proportion to how many downright wrong things he had done in his life. Still, it hurt so much that he couldn't help feeling sorry for himself.
He stroked Jelena's curls. She opened her eyes and kissed him, very gently and slowly.
- "We are almost there, beloved. On the other hand, this is the worst part. The part after my death. Before that you had this sort of business ethic. You only hurt those who were involved in shady activities and knew the risks. After that you didn't have such a constraint. We will have to relive the Cloakwood mine. And then... it will fortunately not be so vivid as it didn't actually happen... but then, there is the war you were orchestrating. I must show you visions of war. But then. Then it is over, and you will be forever free."
- "I am not certain I can take it, Jelena. I might go mad... you know, letting my mind shatter in order to avoid the burden of responsibility," Winski said, his yellow eyes deadly serious.
- "I will not let that happen." Jelena was firm. "I will stop it if your mind can't handle it anymore. But already you have shown that you have more strength than you think. Not once have you complained about the harshness of this. Do you want to start the last of the ordeal now?"
Winski nodded, and as before, emptied his mind into a receiving state, relaxing.
The slavery in the mines was the worst part yet. Winski remembered how mad he had been when Reiltar had beaten Sarevok with the horsewhip. He had shaken with fury, straining not to finish the man with a collection of flame arrows. And yet... it didn't even once occur to him that some of the slaves were children too. Oh, they were not as exceptional and bright and extraordinary as Sarevok - but it didn't matter. They had hopes and fears and their own unique personalities. They had mothers and fathers. They worked their little bodies into exhaustion, coughing their lungs out, feeling the whip on their little, narrow backs. They sunk to their knees, died, and were disposed of as if they were garbage. If he had thought about them at all, what did he think? They were some sort of tools to him. Just like Sarevok and the other infants had been to the priestesses of Bhaal.
- "Jelena! Please let me die! I don't deserve any mercy, any..."
- "Winski, I am aware of your displeasure of stating the obvious, but may I remind you that you have already died once. How can you know you would find any solace by doing so a second time? Now, why does it feel so bad?"
- "Because I denied them what all people deserve. Because I thought I have the right to determine who matters and who does not."
- "What do you think of yourself now?"
- "That I am a hopeless hypocrite and an evil man."
- "You are not an evil man any more, and nor a hypocrite. Can't you see that you were given a chance, because you are worthy of it? You are capable of feeling guilt and recognizing the wrongness of your actions. That is why Ilmater gave you this chance. Now, the last part. The war."
Winski nodded, concentrating. He would go through it. He would face what he had been, what he had planned.
The mangled bodies, the meaningless deaths of young men and women. The wailing of the families, the starving children. At some point Winski noticed that his chest wasn't crushing any more. He still felt Jelena's arms around him, but the visions of the war were fading, and he had easier to breathe. He felt very exhausted, but somehow pure and open and unguarded. He felt a peace he had never experienced before. Full of wonder, he opened his eyes. The prison was gone. Jelena and he were back at Jelena's home, sitting at the stony balcony. They had company. It was a rather nondescript man looking to be in his forties, with friendly eyes and a simple garb of a monk.
Jelena knelt in front of him, her face alight with joy.
- "Er. Lord Ilmater. I presume," Winski said, feeling idiotic and unsure as to what to do.
- "Indeed, my dear mage. Did you expect someone more god-like?" the man asked in a low, chuckling voice.
- "I didn't expect anything like this at all. I don't want to appear rude, but I am a bit short of the knowledge of proper protocol in situations like this," Winski said.
- "I don't think there is a manual on "How to behave when a god of intermediate power is informing you that you have been pardoned of all your sins and given your complete freedom as well as your magical powers back"," Ilmater smiled.
- "So... is it over then?" Winski asked, barely daring to hope so.
- "It is. Now that you have endured all of this, you and Lady Jelena, I can say that I was very harsh with you. I had half a mind to have mercy on you before... but then you wouldn't have had the final release and would have resumed into your pattern of using cynicism as a coping mechanism. And with an individual of your capacity it is a dangerous tendency. Many good people cause bad things to happen, either inadvertently or because of their less commendable traits... and most of them don't have the consequences rubbed in their faces like this. You paid a larger price than most ever do. But now you are free, can go wherever you want, and as long as you remain Lady Jelena's companion, my protection goes for you as well. Come here, Winski Perorate."
Winski did, and Ilmater grabbed his hands. He felt a surge, and he felt whole and alive again.
- "Yes, Winski. The magic is back. Use it well. You are an immortal spirit now. Use what you have learned, and enjoy your afterlife. As for you, my brave and faithful servant, I will grant you some more powers," Ilmater said, talking now to Jelena. "And both of you... soon we will have some business to attend to. At the Throne of Bhaal."
