Chapter 20: Tricks of the Mind

Rae left Alice's office and headed home. On her way over, she called Lucy and asked her to pack a bag for both Noah and Calvin with clothes for school for the next day. She was on her way home and she'd be taking the boys over to her mom's house. As usual, she was happy to do it. When she arrived home, their overnight bags and Calvin's backpack were packed and waiting by the front door. Rae thanked Lucy and let her go then went to pack her own overnight bag. Once she was sure they had everything, she left a note for Olivia on the counter in the kitchen then headed over to her mother's place. She dropped the boys off with Jimmy who was always happy to spend some time with his nephews. She left them money to order pizza for dinner then headed over to the last person Olivia would want her to be seeing.

Rae had been sitting quietly on Amanda's couch for ten minutes. Amanda sat on the other end from her. Frannie laid between them with her head in Rae's lap, enjoying the massage Rae was giving her head. Amanda just looked over at her, waiting for her to say something. She'd just shown up at her door and now was sitting in her living room not saying a word. She was completely confused. After a few more minutes, she couldn't take it anymore. She needed to know why Rae was there.

"Ok, what's going on?" she said finally breaking the silence. She glanced over at her but continued to sit there quietly massaging Frannie's head. "It's a weekday and you're not home with Olivia and the kids. What's wrong?" Rae sighed. She contemplated what exactly she wanted to say to Amanda.

"Do you…" she said finally speaking, "do you think about what would've happened if we didn't…"

"If we didn't what?"

"If we would've stayed together?" she asked finishing her questioned. "Do you ever think about it?"

"Rae, why are you asking me this?" Amanda asked confused.

"Just…. do you think about it?" she asked, ignoring Amanda's question. "what our life would look like if we had tried again?" She didn't know where any of this was coming from but she decided to go along with it.

"Yeah" she admitted. "I think about it sometimes. I think we would be happy. We wouldn't have kids or be talking about getting married yet but… we would be happy. I think about us getting our first place together; getting another dog" she said receiving a chuckle from Rae. "You finishing med school and starting your residency. I'd make first grade, maybe take the sergeant's exam. Then somewhere down the line I'd ask you to marry me and we'd have a baby…. Or two". Rae smiled hearing the life Amanda had imagined for them. It sounded nice. "I think about how I should've fought for you; how I should've fought for a second chance".

"Why didn't you?"

"Is that a trick question?" she asked only slightly joking.

"No, it's not" she answered with a laugh. "I really wanna know".

"Uh, because I… I still hadn't gotten myself back together and then you started talking to Liv again. I knew it was only a matter of time before you two got back together" she explained. "And I…" she stopped when Rae's phone started to vibrate. She pulled it out and saw Olivia's name on the caller id. She sat it down on the couch next to her and let it go to voicemail. "Araeyah, what's going on?" she asked again. "Why are you asking me about this?"

"Olivia and I, well you know we're in couples' therapy". Amanda nodded. "It's not been going well the past couple sessions. We've been talking about her affair with David Haden which pisses me off. And you and me which, also, pisses me off. Olivia is so worried about you and me being friends. I don't know" she shrugged, "I guess she thinks I'd leave her for you".

"Well, that's ridiculous" Amanda said without hesitation. She knew Rae would never leave Olivia and the kids for her.

"I just get so angry because…. it's like she doesn't know who I am" she said sadly. "When I was with you, I still loved her. I still remembered what we had when we were together but that didn't matter. I never would've cheated on you and I never would've left you for her".

"Have you tried telling her that?"

"I shouldn't have to tell her that" she said angrily. "She should know. She should know me by now. She should remember that about me".

"Remind her" she said simply.

"She said she thinks I should take some time to figure out what I want". Her phone started to ring again. It was Olivia again. Again, she let it go to voicemail. A minute later her phone vibrated again. Olivia had left her a message this time. She picked up her phone and listened to it. She deleted the message then sent her a text before setting her phone back down on the couch next to her.

I left you a note on the kitchen counter

"So, I'm gonna do that" she continued. "I'm gonna… think about what I want".

"Rae" Amanda said with sadness. It made her sad to see Rae so upset. "Do you really think you'll decide you want something other than your life with Olivia?" she asked. "And Calvin and Noah?" she added.

"I think you're right" she said abruptly. "I think we'd be happy" she said agreeing with Amanda's thoughts on how they'd be had they gotten back together. "And I don't think we'd be in couples' therapy" she added with a laugh, receiving a laugh from Amanda. "Olivia's always been ahead of me with marriage and kids. You and I, we've always been on the same timeline". Amanda wasn't sure what to make of what Araeyah was saying. Though it wasn't an undesirable scenario, she was sure that Rae wouldn't decide to call off the wedding, leave Olivia and the kids and come back to her. But what she was saying made it seem as if her final decision being Olivia wasn't definite. She wasn't sure if Rae was toying with her or if her own mind was taking liberties with the context of their conversation. "We missed our shot, didn't we?" Amanda nodded.

"Yeah, I think we did".

"You should start dating" Rae said abruptly. Amanda laughed out loud. "I'm serious. You should".

"It's not exactly at the top of my list".

"Near the top?" Amanda shook her head. "Why not?"

"I don't know" she shrugged. "I'm just trying to stay focused on work and sobriety. I don't want anything complicating my life".

"But you're happy, right?"

"Yeah" she nodded, "I am. Work is going really well. I'm going to meetings. I have Frannie" she said petting her pup. "I have my friends. I have you…right?"

"Always" she said sincerely.

"Then I'm happy".

"Good" Rae said pleased. "But I still think you should start dating" she said receiving another laugh from Amanda. "You are a really good person, Amanda. You deserve to find someone good. I really want that for you".

"Thank you" she said appreciatively. "So, are you gonna go back home to Olivia?"

"No, I'm gonna stay at my mom's for a little while".

"But…. you are going to go back home?" Rae smiled.

"Yeah" she said after some hesitation.

"When?" Rae sighed.

"I guess…. when I'm ready to confront all of my feelings" she said quoting Alice. She wanted to ask her something else but she thought she'd already asked her enough questions about them. She was sure that this already wasn't a conversation that Olivia would approve of. She didn't want to push it any further. "I should get going" she said getting up from the couch. She grabbed her phone and returned it to her pocket then pulled on her coat. Amanda walked her to the door. Before she exited, she turned and pulled Amanda into a hug. "I love you".

"I love you too" she said returning her sentiment in both words and their embrace. They lingered there for a moment before finally letting go. Araeyah left and headed over to her mom's. She joined them in the living room where they were watching a movie. Once it ended, it was time for Calvin and Noah to get ready for bed. She checked Calvin's homework while he was in the shower then made sure his backpack was packed for the morning. After she put both boys to bed, she went to the kitchen to make their lunches for the next day. Jimmy came in to help her.

"Olivia called" he said as he took two of the four slices of bread she laid on the counter and started to spread mayo on them. "She said you weren't answering her calls".

"I left her a note".

"Yeah, she said that" he nodded, "but I think she wants to talk to you".

"Well, I don't want to talk to her right now".

"So, you ran away from home?"

"I didn't run away from home" she said rolling her eyes.

"You should call her back" he suggested. "She wanted to talk to the boys".

"I'm not stopping her from talking to them".

"I know. She talked to them on my phone. I just... I think she just wants to know what's going on".

"Everything she needs to know is in the note".

"You can't run from your problems" he said putting the finished sandwich in a sandwich bag. "Remember?" It was something she used to say to him all of time. Now he could give it back to her.

"I'm not running" she said defensively. "I'm taking a break. It was her idea".

"Really?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, really" she said as she finished up with their lunches. She packed them into their lunch boxes then put them in the frig.

"I still think you should call her back" he said before walking away and heading downstairs to his room. She stood there for a moment, thinking about whether she wanted to call Olivia or not. Not. She finished in the kitchen then went up to her room to get ready for bed. She didn't know how tired she was until her head hit her pillow. Within five minutes, she had fallen asleep.

After a few hours, she woke up and went down to the kitchen for a glass of water. She took it back upstairs to her room then got back into bed. She set the glass on the nightstand next to her bed before checking her phone. She had messages from Olivia.

I want to talk to you.

Please call me back.

I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean anything by it.

I love you. Please come home.

She looked at the time. Two seventeen am. She put her phone back down and took another drink of her water. She returned the glass back to the nightstand then laid down and tried to go back to sleep. She tossed and turned for half an hour before deciding to get up out of bed. She took some sweatpants out of her drawer and pulled them on then pulled out a long sleeved t shirt to wear. She pulled on a pair of boots, grabbed her phone then headed quietly downstairs. She put on her jacket then took her keys and left the house.

A knock on the door woke her from her sleep. She turned over and looked at the clock next to her bed. Eight minutes after three. She rolled out of bed, grabbed her robe and pulled it on, securing it around her as she headed for the door. Another knock prompted her to call out to her unexpected and unwelcome visitor to hold their horses. She didn't understand what anyone could want at three in the morning. She looked through the peephole to see an unanticipated face. She quickly unlocked and opened the door.

"Araeyah" Amanda said surprised. "Hey, what are you doing here?"

"I… I couldn't sleep" she sighed.

"Co…" she stepped to the side, "Come on in". Rae walked in past her and she shut and locked the door.

"I'm sorry" she apologized, "I know it's really late. Or early I guess" she said with a light laugh. "I just… I was thinking about what we talked about today. I mean, yesterday" she corrected after considering the time.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah" she nodded as she turned to face her. "Why didn't you fight for me?" she asked her again. Amanda got a confused look on her face. She had already answered this question. "I… I know you said it was because you hadn't gotten yourself back together and I'd started talking to Olivia again. But it took some time for us to get back together and… I think you were on the right track for a while before we actually became a couple again" she pointed out as she remembered back to that time. "You started to say something earlier then my phone started to ring. What were you gonna say?"

"Nothing" she shrugged. "It was nothing".

"Amanda, tell me" she pushed. "Why didn't you fight for me? Why didn't you…. try?"

"I just… I didn't think I could compete with her… with Olivia" she admitted. "I didn't see the point in trying if it would just end with you choosing her". Rae met her eye.

"You were wrong" she said plainly. Amanda looked completely surprised by her declaration. "You know Olivia said in therapy that… if I would be with anyone other than her that it would be you. She's right" she admitted. "If there was anyone else I would have chosen to be with, it would've been you" she said honestly. "You're the only one who could have ever competed with her. You still can" she said softly. She held eye contact with her. Amanda closed the distance between them. She moved slowly, almost as if to give her a chance to stop what they could both feel was about to happen. Rae didn't move and she didn't avert her eyes. With another step, there was little space left between them. Their bodies and faces were inches apart. Their breaths came out shallow and shaky. They both thought and rethought what was happening between them but neither made any effort to stop it. Rae brought her hands up to either side of Amanda's face. Her thumb traced the line of her bottom lip. They danced around the inevitable until the distance finally completely closed between them. Their lips met and their bodies melded together. One kiss was all it took for all of their inhibitions to melt away. Their kiss deepened and their hands roamed over each other's bodies.

Amanda walked forward, moving them towards her bedroom. Rae stumbled as she moved backward. She groaned aloud when her back connected with the wall. Amanda backed away and was about to ask if she was alright. Before any words could escape her mouth, Rae grabbed her robe and pulled her back into her. Their lips reconnected, tongues exploring every inch of the other's mouth. Amanda reached down and gripped the back of Rae's thighs, lifting her off the ground. She wrapped her legs around her waist, allowing her to carry her into the bedroom. They made it to the bed and quickly divested each other of their clothes. There was a frenzy of hands roaming and tongues tasting and teeth nibbling on exposed flesh. Rae moaned into their kiss as Amanda's hand found its way between her legs, fingers parting her folds and delving into sticky wetness. She circled her sensitive bundle of nerves, coating her fingers in Rae's arousal. She moaned into her mouth again as two fingers slid inside her with ease. She started a slow rhythm, in and out. Their kiss ended as Rae's back arched and her head burrowed into the pillow. Amanda's mouth found its way to her now exposed neck, latching on to her favorite spot as she smoothly added a third finger. The feeling of fullness inside her and the warmth of Amanda's tongue on her neck induced a loud moan from her that caused her to shoot upright in bed. Awake.