She creased the corner of one of the letters. The papers covered her bed, carelessly tossed in unorganised piles. In no particular order, she picked them up one by one and let her eyes wander across the text covering them. Her vision blurred but she did not care.
"It's okay to be sad"
Kolyats words forced their way through the door between them and echoed in her head as she started sorting the papers into two piles. She couldn't be angry. She didn't feel she had the right to be sad. She had given her pen pal a choice and it was out of nowhere. Had she really expected him to show up? Of course he did not want her to find out who he was. He would have told her his name long ago, if so!
She did not wish for it but she could feel her imaginary armour slowly covering her skin. She hadn't felt the need to let the idea materialise for a very long time and she instinctively fought the feeling. She knew Kolyat was sitting outside her door, waiting for her response. He had offered his shoulder several times already but she just wanted to be left alone. She didn't mean to leave him hanging but she felt the strongest urge to get this particular task done. 'Only for tonight', she thought to herself. 'I'll only be sad tonight'. She kept browsing through the letters, slowly.
He stared holes into his palms. He couldn't bring himself to move from the sofa even when Sarah called him from the kitchen. Not long after, Garrus came up the stairs in a slow pace. He stopped in the open door and took a few moments before clearing his throat.
"If you ask me, and not that anyone ever does.. I think you did the right thing. That wasn't an easy decision and I think you made the right call. I'm all for helping you guys but that.. tactic was too aggressive"
He paused and stared at Thane, waiting for any kind of reaction. Thane just squeezed his palm with his thumb, seemingly unable to hear Garrus.
"Anyway" Garrus continued before walking into the room. "Sarah's made some 'kick ass omelette' for you. And I made myself something I can actually eat too, so why don't you come downstairs and join us?"
Thane lifted his head and tried to smile at his friend, giving him a quick nod.
"Yes, well. I'll go on ahead"
Garrus left Thane alone again. Thane sighed and closed his eyes. He fought the need to loose himself in memory. He had felt that he owed Sarah an explanation to his decision. She had insisted that he'd stay for lunch, to which he found himself unable to say no. The company would be refreshing, after all, he thought. He needed the distraction and he was convinced that Sarah could sense it as well. He let the sensation of feeling blessed to have such friends wash over him and found the strength to stand up, making his way downstairs. To his joy, the conversation touched only on lighthearted topics for the remainder of his visit. He felt a bit lighter when he left the apartment and he was determined to remain in that mindset for the rest of the evening. Or at least for a little while.
"It's okay to be sad"
Kolyat sat down and leaned up against her door. He knew she needed time but he was still worried. Unsurprisingly, he was met by silence. He let his arms rest on his knees and sighed. If he were to be honest, in a way, he felt relieved. What if his father had showed up and Kasumi would have reacted badly? In hindsight, he almost felt like he had allowed himself to be dragged along in a plan he did not fully endorse. He had let his doubt be washed away. He was usually quite critical of most everything but it had taken way too little to convince him to play along and now he was dealing with the guilt. When he had been sitting there with Fenix, watching Kasumi, he had fought the impulse to go down to her. Maybe even pretend to have been her mysterious pen pal. But he knew he wouldn't be able to pull that off, not knowing anything of their correspondence. He was tired of lying to her. Tired of seeing her hurt. He wanted to tell her the truth. But he was afraid that would hurt more than anything.
He squeezed the letter his father had given him in his hands. He didn't know what was written in it. He was overwhelmingly curious. Did it admit to anything? Was it an apology? A good bye? He felt a bit ashamed thinking about how this letter would reflect on him. Had Thane admitted to anything in this letter, Kolyat would surely have to take a lot of blame. He sighed and brought the letter up to his forehead, wishing he could will the words out of the closed envelop. The door suddenly opened up slightly.
"I'm going sleep soon, Kol. Please don't stay out there, you'll catch a cold"
Her words had him snap out of his thoughts. He quickly stood up, hiding the letter.
"Yea, okay, ehm.." He cleared his throat. "I'll go sleep too. I have to work tomorrow but just.. let me know if you want me to stay home with you or anything"
A moment of silence.
"Kol, it was just a pen pal. Chill" Another moment of silence. Kolyat felt silly. It was only because he knew who she had been corresponding with that had him worried. She had no idea, so it's not so strange that she must have felt like he overreacted. "But thank you. Oh, and could you please throw these out? I've been keeping too many of them. I'll.. still save a few but these are just taking up space now"
He stared at the pile of papers in her lap. He could read a thousand explanations into this simple gesture but he didn't dare to. He nodded slowly to himself, not taking his eyes of the letters. She gave him the pile and smiled.
"Sleep well" she said and closed the door.
Kolyat stood there for a few moments, weighting the letters in his hands. The one at the very top was dated back to when she was still in the hospital. Of course, she could've just had the need to clear out some old letters but this felt more important than that. He slowly turned around and made his way to the trashcan in the kitchen. Pain danced across his chest as he let the letters fall into the trashcan. The common written language spread across several pages in his fathers handwriting about to be incinerated. He couldn't bare the idea and carefully gathered up the papers again, making his way to his room.
- One month later -
The light forced its way through the blinds. She let out a comfortable sigh as she stretched her arms above her head. She took a few moments to move her hands and feet, warming up her muscles. She rolled out of bed in a fluid motion and started stretching her larger muscle groups. She glanced around the room out of habit as she did. A few boxes tucked away along the walls filled with clothes, books and a few other selected items. Her omnitool chimed, snapping her out of her distant thoughts.
"Hey, yea! This afternoon, mhm!"
Kolyat knocked on her door and she hurriedly opened it for him while still talking over her omnitool.
"Yea, got some things to do first. Yes. I'll see you this afternoon, bye"
Kolyat handed her a cup of tea.
"Sarah?" he offered.
Kasumi gave a quick nod and helped herself to some tea.
"I won't have much time today. How about we go out for breakfast before your shift starts?"
Kolyat smiled at her and she left the room in a hurry. His smile quickly disappeared as he watched her walk into the kitchen. He couldn't put his finger on it. Something had felt wrong ever since she suddenly said she'd be moving out. She kept reassuring him everything was fine, that she'd stay with Sarah so she wouldn't be alone, but it didn't stop a knot from slowly building in his stomach. He stood there for a moment, looking around at all the boxes and bags. It made sense in a way and he couldn't help but to embrace the idea a bit. For all the love he carried for his friend, he wouldn't mind having a bit more privacy again. He couldn't stop himself from chuckling at the idea of finally being free of hair clogged drains and turning this room back into a gym again. He quickly remembered why he was standing there and carefully took out the letter from his pocket. He had been unable to find a good time to hand it to her this past month. She hadn't written any new letters herself and seemed to have completely dropped the topic, never bringing it up. The few times he had tried to talk about it, she had brushed it off. He looked around the room again. He carefully peaked into a few of the bags and found the box he knew she kept the letters in. He opened it, confirming they were there, and carefully pushed the letter in among the rest. He convinced himself she'd find it as he wanted to remember her reading those letters a lot. At least she use to. Now he wasn't so sure.
He pushed the thoughts aside and left the room, joining Kasumi in the hallway.
"Let's go" she smiled and opened the door.
She loved her freedom and couldn't help the skip in her step as they walked along the streets. She was smiling. He just watched her and felt his worries melt away. It was going to be okay.
He opened the door and walked outside, looking up and down the street. Most of her bags were already gone and he knew it would take some time to get all the boxes out as well but he thought she'd be back by now. He had tried to holo her several times but she hadn't answered. The hospital said she hadn't shown up that morning at all. He fought the knot in his stomach. He should have listened to his feelings this morning. He clenched his fist for a moment before bringing up his omni-tool.
"Sarah, how's it going? She's settling in alright? I thought she'd come back this evening but I'm guessing she decided to stay. Just say hi from me. Remind her I'll help with the boxes when she got time"
"Kolyat, calm down" Sarah interrupted. "What's going on?"
"Kas.. Kasumi. She's there, right? I can't reach her. I thought she'd move out tomorrow but I'm guessing she's staying at your place tonight.. right?"
"Kolyat, what are you talking about?"
The small knot in his stomach turned into full blown dread.
"Kolyat.. Where's Kasumi?"
