Author's Note: ...
Edd stood over the whirring garbage disposal in his kitchen while merrily whistling to himself. He was in a chipper mood now that he no longer required the weird intelligence that he had collected on all of their neighbors and was ready to part with it. First there were his manila folders filled with juicy gossip about the all of the kids. He held a folder labeled "Kevin" over top of the garbage disposal and his eyes widened with a rush of adrenaline. The jock was their friend now and Edd no longer needed to hold onto the information that the boy choked himself with bike chains while no on was watching. He dropped the folder into the garbage disposal and watched as it was sucked inside and a fountain of scraps flew up into his kitchen. He knew it was dramatic and he'd have to sweep up all the bits, but he was a boy made for drama at heart so it was totally worth it.
A second folder passed into his hands and he held it dangling and crying for help over the entrance to telephone hell. The folder was labeled "Sarah" and he wouldn't need the all the sickeningly sweet pictures of her stomping flower beds and torturing puppies to hold against her. He dropped the folder into the disposal and closed his eyes as the bits of paper shot against his face.
The next four folders for Jonny, Dutch, Rolf, and Nazz were in his hands now. These four would go in together. None of these four kids ever gave the Eds as hard of a time as Kevin and Sarah did, save on rare occasions when the mob mentality kicked in. He paused for a moment to remove some bikini pics of Nazz for later use during private study time, and then forced the folders screaming into the portal of death.
With the incriminating six folders destroyed, only three things remained to be rid of next to his kitchen sink. The first was the last folder he owned, one on the Kanker sisters. He knew there was no rationalization for throwing that out, not unless they had an almost magical change of heart at the party later today.
Moving it aside, he grabbed the second thing, his trusty notebook labeled "My Solutions". Without wasting much time, he tore reams of pages on Kevin and Sarah out, plus a few extra ones that he had hastily written for Eddy, and stuffed them into the garbage disposal. It pained him to watch perfectly good calculations disappear from this mortal coil, but the guilt from keeping them was far greater than the pain. As with the folder, he kept the formulas he had made for the Kankers unmolested, safely tucked between the front and back cover of the notebook. Those last few pages gave him the crazy idea that maybe he could separate them at the party, talk to them, and finally fix the madness of the twisted relationship the Kankers shared with the Eds.
The third thing to take care of was a pile of all of his neighbors' telephones. They wouldn't need to call each other anymore now that they were all friends and could trust each other in person enough to not fear attempted murder. He slid the telephones into the vortex of communication death and watched as they were chipped away into nothingness.
Finally he took hold of a bottle and rag to bleach the sink of his fingerprints. With his grisly work complete, he had a party to get ready for and he welled with pride that he would have his two best friends beside him to join the rest of their newly minted companions.
"Alright sockhead, tell me what you think and don't play that pity party bulls*** because I can smell it from a mile away!" Eddy demanded before sliding open his closet and stepping out in his latest costume idea for the party. "Are you read to witness this d*** party get conquered by Professor Scam?!" He rubbed his rubber gloves together as he stood decked out in his villainous outfit, Edd sitting on his bed observing him with a thoughtful expression on his face.
"It would certainly lighten the mood at the party to have you strutting around in your underwear again, believe me. However Jonny is coming as his own alter ego and the last thing this party needs are two sweaty teenage boys wrestling in the middle of the dance floor!" Edd criticized as Eddy stopped rubbing his greedy claws together and put them on his hips.
"S*** you really don't know the first thing about parties, do you? A fist fight is always the perfect night cap! It's almost a f***ing requirement!" Eddy retorted. He then began practicing his best maniacal cackles as Edd held up ratings on his fingers. A gibbering chortle Eddy unleashed scored a perfect ten out of ten from the sockhat critic.
"If you are so determined to show up in that frankly ridiculous attire, then at least promise you won't start blasting people's wallets with the ray of riches? Please Eddy?" Edd begged, Eddy rubbing his chin and giving him a coy look.
"Not a chance! Besides I got rid of that power so I could make room for the ray of b***es and steal everyone's dates!" Eddy cackled out, salivating over the opportunity to tractor beam Nazz and Sarah into his clutches so he could have a bitch on each arm.
"This is going to be a disaster," Edd muttered.
"Lighten the f*** up! If Kevin and the others are really so determined to make nice with us, then they want the real Club Ed experience!" Eddy reasoned as Edd gave a smug look to him.
"And what does this real experience entail, Eddy? Turning the party into a roller disco and charging five bucks to rent a pair of roller skates?"
"No but I'm writing that down for later! It means Ed being a giant dumbf***, you annoying everyone with labcoat bulls***, and the main man Eddy schmoozing with the ladies!" Eddy replied confidentially before running a comb through his armpit hair to remove a gnarly tangle.
"I'm not certain you'll want to schmooze with every lady at this particular party..." Edd mumbled nervously, Eddy being too busy grooming himself shamelessly to give a shit. The last telephone left in the story that Eddy's parents spent their gas money on released a jingle from next to his bed.
"That's probably Nazz ringing me up to pregame over her place on cake and whisky!" Eddy hoped with demented glee before racing over to his phone and grabbing the receiver. "Or it's Sarah calling to admit she always had a crush on me and the beatings were just her f***ed up way of saying 'I Love You'!"
"Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but Nazz has been Rolf's prisoner for days and Sarah has been kidnapping random toddlers to dress up as Dutch," Edd revealed to a disturbed Eddy.
"What the f*** happened while I was locked up crywanking myself to death?" Eddy asked, the Cul-De-Sac he knew having transformed so much.
"Ah, let's just say that now that I think about it events in the world outside this bedroom, your self-imprisonment seems like a walk in the park," Edd replied in realization.
"Great! That means I'm just one weirdo in a crowd of 'em!" Eddy cheered before lifting the receiver to his ear. "You've reached the party animal! Tell me you want a good time and I'm ready to provide!"
"*Snort* i need my party animal to rut me on the floor lol," May Kanker's voice cooed from the receiver.
"Ah! You woodchuck b****! Why the f*** are you calling me?!" Eddy screamed in terror as his balls jumped into his pelvis and Edd jumped in surprise on his bed.
"Got you, Eddy! It's just me, dude! Wicked awesome impression though, huh?" Nazz laughed out on the other end of the line.
"W-Wicked is right," Eddy breathed out as he hiked up his underwear nervously. "But if you were serious, Nazz, then I'll be over with the cake and whisky!"
"No way, dude! Not unless you want to duel Rolf again to fight for my honor!"
"I'll pass, I'm off f***ing fish sticks for life because of that s***," Eddy answered before leaning against the table. "What are you calling about then, Nazz? If you're trying to make a return on that ball gag then this is the wrong number!"
"I dunno about all that, Eddy, I just wanted to make sure you were still coming to Kevin's party!"
"As long as shovelchin is serious about the theme and I don't show up looking like an idiot while everyone is plainclothes, then I'm all in!"
"Sweet dude! I knew if Ed and Double D were still coming after the bad news, there's no way you wouldn't show up!" Nazz said cheerfully.
"F*** there's bad news?!" Eddy asked, Edd biting his fingernails on the bed behind him. "Go ahead and tell me! It's Jonny, isn't it?! He's down there trying to turn this into a wack as f*** Arbor Day party, I just know it!"
"Wait a minute! Whatever you're about to hear just know that I would give my life for you Eddy!" Edd pleaded, Eddy turning to face him with his mouth hanging slightly ajar.
"I already knew you would, a**hole! That's what I pay you for, ain't it?"
"Y-Yes but I've been such a good friend to you! For years I took the bruises and scrapes right by your side and never abandoned you!"
"Jesus, Double D! Why the f*** are you trying to kill my hype for the party with an emotional breakdown? Can't this s*** wait?!"
"It really can't, Eddy," Edd replied before pulling his hat down over his face to prepare himself.
"I wouldn't worry about Jonny, dude! But I'm surprised you don't know about this! Didn't Ed or Double D tell you about the new guests?" Nazz asked from the line, a bit of shock wavering in her voice.
"New guests?! Holy f*** are all of our parents gonna be there? Forget Jonny's Arbor Day crap, that's the real wack s***!"
"No way, when has anyone's parents shown up for anything? I'm talking about the Kanker sisters!" Nazz revealed. Eddy's balls were now in his throat. His eyes shrunk back into his sockets. He almost crushed the receiver with his sweat-soaked hand.
"What the f***? Why the f***? How the f***? When the f***?" Eddy stuttered out his best line of interview questions as Edd took the chance to hide under his bed.
"I know, dude! It's the worst! They jumped Kevin and he had to give them invitations!" Nazz explained to a practically catatonic Eddy.
"W-Well I'm cool with the part about Kevin getting jumped, but why the f*** hasn't this party been cancelled?!"
"Kevin told us he put in a lot of work for this bash and he didn't want to give up on it! We all agreed to go even with those three there! Even Ed and Double D like I said!" Nazz explained. Eddy shot a ferociously pissed look to his friend cowering under his bed.
"You know what? I'll go. I'll f***ing go to the party even if the Kankers are gonna be there," Eddy replied coldly.
"I knew they couldn't scare you away, dude!"
"Nope. No way. Totally going."
"Wicked, dude! And maybe I can save a dance for you before the end of the night?!"
"Yeah. Way cool. Totally dancing."
"Looking forward to it! And hey, Eddy - remember that if those three sexy as fuck girls give you any trouble, just call out 'L-O-L' and my blonde-self will come running to your side!" Nazz promised giddily to Eddy, who was hardly listening at this point as his mind raced.
"Got it. Super duper. Totally calling."
"Bye bye, my little Eddy!" Nazz snorted out before laughing, Eddy slamming the receiver down to obliterate the last surviving telephone in a five block radius.
"P-Please tell me you're about to hurl mental abuse and not physical..." Edd pleaded from the darkness under the bed. Eddy gritted his teeth as he stared at his lanky friend. That dirty, lanky, lying, weasel of a friend. How could he leave this out about the party? Why would he leave this out? There was already a ton of pressure for him now that he act like a nice chump to Kevin and Sarah. This was way above the limit he could take though. He knew that Edd wasn't telepathic, or at least he hoped he wasn't, so the walking sockhat on a stick had no way of knowing how fucked up it was to have to party around the Kankers for him. The sisters had done plenty of messed up shit to Ed and Edd, sure, but it was peanuts compared to what they had done to Eddy.
"You know what, Double D?" Eddy began before walking away from his smoldering phone and over to a pile of his clothes. He hiked his jeans over his underwear and buttoned them around his love handles. He slid his hand into the pocket of his jeans and felt Kevin's switchblade. He felt the quarter that Kevin had given to him. He was surprised he didn't have Kevin's house key too at this point.
"W-What should I know, Eddy? B-Before you answer that, m-my leaving out the insignificant fact that the Kankers would be there might trouble you, but let me assure you-"
"No let me assure you of something," Eddy interrupted without hesitation. Edd clammed up and continued to cower in his bedfort. "I'm still going to the party. But it was mighty f***ed up of you to not tell me about you-know-who, sockhead." The scared teen nerd began to calm down and slowly crawled out from under Eddy's bed.
"Y-You're right, I should've told you. I've felt guilty about it ever since Kevin told Ed and I," Edd answered before standing, though he looked ready to bolt back to the underside of the bed at a moment's notice. "I felt like I couldn't tell you so I dealt with my guilt. I was so afraid you wouldn't come to the party, Eddy. I haven't been able to spend more than a minute with you lately, and that minute was little more than you screaming at me." Edd paused for a moment and looked at Eddy expectantly.
"I won't tell you to shut the f*** up this time. Somehow I'm too pissed to even do that," Eddy replied bitterly.
"Thank you for that one kind consideration. I just want this party to go right! It needs to, for our sake! If it does, we won't have to worry about Kevin, Sarah, or angry mobs of kids showing up at our houses to burn them down ever again! The Kankers being there will make it a slightly sordid affair, but I'm sure they won't try anything too disturbing with so many witnesses! That's a comforting thought, isn't it?" Edd gave his friend a desperate smile. Eddy wanted to tell Edd so badly right now about how disturbing the Kankers could really fucking be, but he couldn't work up the courage. Besides, that kind of bad news really would ruin the party.
"Sure I f***ing forgive you or whatever. But you and Ed need to stay safe at that party, alright?"
"Ah, you mean you, Ed, and I need to stay safe, correct?"
"That is for d*** sure what I meant to say!" Eddy answered as he tried his best to pep up. "I'll still be there, sockhead, but I got one more costume I'm gonna try on! You should go grab your costume and head over to Ed's! That big dumba** might be putting a toaster in the microwave or some s***!"
"Oh lord, you might be right! The Kankers are one thing, but Ed can hardly enjoy the party with third degree burns! I'll go fetch Ed and meet you at the haunted house, Eddy!" Edd said before quickly making for the bedroom door.
"Don't forget to grab some ointment while you're slipping on your duds! Might as well pack some ice too in case Ed broke his f***ing kneecaps jumping off the roof!" Eddy added as he followed Edd on his way out.
"At this point I may as well clear out my medical cabinet! I have to cover every scenario, after all!" Edd replied before stepping out of Eddy's bedroom. "Please don't worry about the Kankers, Eddy, I know Ed and I will be doing our best to ignore them! Good luck with the costume and I'll see you there!" he said as gave a small wave to Eddy and began his trek home.
As soon as Edd departed from his property, Eddy reached up to latch his bedroom door. That dainty nerd had basically lied to him about the guest list for the party, so he might as well let he and Ed run off to dance around with the kids and Kankers all on their own. It only served them right. A part of him still told him he should go despite the lie by omission. After all, could he really leave Ed and Edd to deal with not only the kids, but also the Hanky Panky Kanky stankers? His hand stopped when it touched the lock. His other hand was still in his pocket fondling the quarter Kevin had given him. He took it out and stared down at the small bit of wealth that was bestowed upon him.
"You've never steered me wrong in my life, baby," Eddy said adoringly before rubbing the quarter against his chubby little cheek. "So you tell me what the f*** I should do in this f***ed up situation!" He placed the quarter on his thumb and shot it up as a springboard. The quarter flipped in the air and he watched as it began to fall down back toward his open palm. He caught it and slapped it against the back of his other hand. He took a moment to draw in a deep breath of avarice before removing his hand to reveal the quarter.
He twisted the viking helmet into place on the socket of his head. He tugged the beard down across the place where his chin would be if he had one. He tied the animal skin shirt around his midsection. He whipped out his tool of warfare, the almighty flipper. He was ready for conquest and glory in the party kingdom.
"*Guffaws* lothar has arrived ahahaha prepare your patties for a flippin," Ed challenged, charging out of his bathroom at the scared cheerleader and football player standing in his bedroom.
"Juke, dude, juke!" Nazz pleaded before leaping into a quivering Rolf's arms in fear. The advancing barbarian dunderhead skidded to a halt in front of them and tapped his spatula against Nazz's sweat-drenched forehead.
"*Guffaws* i knight thee lady bartonschmeer ahahaha tell squire rolf to prepare the ceremonial eel pants," Ed stated as the spatula burned red hot on Nazz's forehead grill.
"Excuse Nazz-girl's foolish squire, mighty warrior! Rolf has no eels in his pantaloons, only the jockstrap chastity belt for his pigskin tosser pajamas!" Rolf replied quickly, fearful that at any moment the hot retard would execute him for his failure.
"*Guffaws* ur forgiven till next fall ahahaha fetch the scrubber to wash the stain of ur shame from the ladys panties," Ed laughed out as Nazz climbed out of Rolf's arms to stand on unsteady feet.
"Do that again, big dude, and I'll have to go for a tumble in your dryer to air my panties out!" Nazz wheezed in between heart palpitations.
"*Guffaws* whats with the footballer uniforms ahahaha the cobblers are just sad not scary"
"It's a costume party dude, not a Halloween party!"
"Rolf is thankful as a second bout of cracked ribs and missing teeth would mean foreclosure on his chicken coop!" Rolf replied since the medical bills never stopped piling up in this neighborhood.
"*Guffaws* at least u guys match ahahaha i hope suzette dresses as a valkyrie for me," Ed said hopefully.
"Take a good look at my costume, Ed! Pretty sure you'll be seeing double with Suzette!" Nazz said in a despondent tone.
"*Guffaws* cool that means easy access ahahaha," Ed said to the distraught cheerleader when his bedroom door swung open to reveal a dark figure in the laundry room.
"If Lothar frightened you, prepare yourself for the devastating entrance of the Masked Mumbler!" Edd cried before leaping into the room in his corny wrestling outfit. No one was devastated in the least.
"*Guffaws* nice thinkin double dee ahahaha pack a plunger in case i clog the toilet"
"That... is exactly why I dressed like this!" Edd replied before sighing and joining his party companions. "It would appear we're all ready for what is no doubt going to be a memorable night!"
"Rolf is ready to meet the memories! Rolf shall consider this a suitable stand-in for knife-heeled-stiletto Nazz-girl's bachelorette party!" Rolf declared as he lifted Nazz into the air by the arm that never left his palm.
"Totally dude! Guess I'll have to ask Kevin if he'll be a stand-in male stripper!" Nazz replied before grabbing Rolf by the throat. "But I expect a damn good honeymoon! No tractors, no old country, no barbershops, and no farm animals!" The football farmer nodded with a nervous smile and she released her trailer hitch from his throat.
"*Guffaws* are u guys bringin food ahahaha cuz i blew up my microwave with a toaster," Ed asked while Edd hosed him down with Vaseline.
"I had thought about procuring some broccoli for the occasion, but I was too busy placing trampolines around your house in case you jumped from the roof!" Edd answered as his Vaseline hose ran empty.
"*Guffaws* saved by the kneecaps ahahaha," Ed said in relief.
"Well I'm being a cool penny pincher but Rolf packed some goodies in his crock pot!" Nazz explained as an insectoid leg poked out of the top of a crackpot strapped to the back of Rolf's shoulder pads.
"Rolf expects not a drop left by night's end, tinkle-sprinkler Ed-boys!" Rolf stated as Nazz leaned away from him and toward the two scrumptious teens.
"Don't worry, dudes. If you need help keeping it down, I'm ready with the ball gag," Nazz whispered to them with a nod.
"I pray it won't come to that. I would rather it not turn into that sort of party," Edd squeaked back.
"*Guffaws* wait double d u are missin sumthin ahahaha u forgot to pack ur eddy," Ed pointed out when he noticed the absence of his favorite scamp.
"Insult to my organizational skills aside, Eddy has decided to pack himself for the excursion! You know how he can be, Ed! He believes fashionably late is a guideline and not an excuse!" Edd lamented.
"We'll all be fashionably late if we don't show up to the party soon, rough-and-tumble Ed-dudes!" Nazz complained as a tear of son of a shepherd pride slid from Rolf's eye.
"*Guffaws* and so lothar and his party now venture forth from the safety of his basement domain ahahaha and into the dark clutches of the haunted spookzone," Ed narrated before pointing his spatula at his basement window. "*Guffaws* forward to victory or death ahahaha" With that, Ed used his spatula to catapult himself by the ass cheeks out the window.
"We all chose victory, correct?" Edd asked, the two victims of arranged marriage nodding affirmatively. He swallowed the fear of death and began to forge a path for Nazz and Rolf to follow.
Edd only hoped that Eddy had chosen the same. This night would not be a victory without him.
A huge assortment of delectable foodstuffs was spread out on a large, freshly dusted dinner table sitting in the middle of the dining room of abandoned house. The food was organized from the yucky crap section reserved for a tray of Dutch's omelets and whatever crud Rolf brought with him down to the disgustingly sweet section that had fudge bars, a bowl mixed with jujubes and chocolate-covered bonbons, and a freshly baked cherry pie. Kevin and Sarah leaned against a china cabinet filled with ancient knickknacks and pictures of some extended family of mutated rednecks. Kevin was wearing a done-up leather jacket with sunglasses over his eyes like he was trying out for an action movie. Sarah had on a diaper with fairy wings strapped to her back and had a cupid bow slung over her with a quiver of love arrows. She also had on an ill-fitting white tube-top that Dutch convinced her to wear because he didn't want the party to look like a child grooming operation.
"This wait is killing me! Are you giving it your all to not start stress eating everything on the table right now too?" Sarah questioned, breaking the silence that had fallen between them while they waited for the guests to arrive.
"You couldn't tell with these shades, but my eyes have been locked on those jujubes, little babe," Kevin replied before crossing his arms. "Rolf slipped me a few during class last year and I've been pounding those bitches down every day since ."
"I could pound down a fudge bar or five! But I don't have a shirt on to hide my gut under like my stupid brother!" Sarah replied as she hungrily eyed the sweets.
"Good to hear you take dieting seriously unlike some wannabe best friend-marrying dork whales out there," Kevin muttered as the temptation to choke himself to death with a wad of melted jujubes came over him.
"Gee, sounds like someone in this room is mad that they don't get to make babies with their babe!" Sarah taunted as she twisted a lock of hair around her finger.
"Hey, when you're right, you're right," Kevin answered coolly, much to Sarah's surprise. "After all, I can always spend all day with my main fluffbro Dutch to help get over it. That twerpdork can't get enough of me!" Sarah growled like a cougar and removed the bow from her back.
"Gimme a second to take aim and I'll have you spending all day with a submarine sandwich!" Sarah seethed, a hand resting on her quiver.
"I take that threat seriously, sisterdork. You're so damn good at getting guys to fall in love with anything other than you!" Kevin shot back brutally as he lifted his shades. That smug bastard.
"Coming from the guy whose first and only kisses are from the Kanker sisters, that doesn't mean a whole lot!" Sarah yelled as she drew an arrow. "I betcha Ed has a better chance at doing a boy-girl germ exchange with Nazz! That's why you really have it out for him, isn't it?!"
"It would feel really good right now to make the neighborhood tattletale squeal!" Kevin raged as he got in her face. "At least girls actually kissed me! Your Eskimo kisses with Dutch don't count for shit!"
"Are you down-playing Eskimo kisses? What about ours? Did that mean nothing, you stupid jerk?!" Sarah raved before lowering her bow and shoving her face in Kevin's.
"That was just an Anti-Dork Legion formality! I'm surprised you even remember that!"
"I'm the neighborhood tattletale like you said, remember? I never forget anything!"
"Why would you want to remember a fucking Eskimo kiss with such a stupid jerk like me?!" Kevin questioned furiously as Sarah's face turned crimson from a mixture of rage and embarrassment.
"Because I was wondering if you wanted to do it again-"
Kevin and Sarah ceased their petulant bitchfit when May entered the dank kitchen with a trumpet in her hand. She wet her lips with her sausage tongue before lifting the instrument and playing the Park N' Flush national anthem. Marie walked in with a roll of paper towels in her hand and unfurled it like a scroll of parchment.
"Hear Lee, hear Lee. All must take a bow for the arrival of Queen Lee the Painlord," Marie announced before gesturing to the kitchen entrance.
"I envision a lengthy chiropractor bill when this is all over..." Dutch strained out as he and Jonny walked in carrying a throne made out of lipstick dispensers on their backs. Lee sat atop the throne with a toilet bowl scrubber spray painted gold as her scepter.
"Hold it right there, boys!" Lee ordered, prompting her two throneslaves to come to a grinding halt. "Are y'all hard of hearing or was Marie not clear enough?!" she yelled as she pointed her scepter at Kevin and Sarah. "Get on your knees or it's off to the sex dungeon with ya!"
"Go find a dorkhound and sniff its ass!" Kevin yelled back. Sarah jabbed her love arrow into a pressure point on his neck and he crumpled to the floor.
"There! Now he's doing enough bowing for the both of us!" Sarah exclaimed.
"Good enough for now!" Lee replied before using Dutch and Jonny's heads as a staircase to descend from her throne.
"Damn. That means I signed up to be the master of torture for no reason," Marie complained before ripping up an executioner hood.
"Alright my two loyal steed boys, you're due for a promotion!" Lee said before snapping her fingers, prompting Dutch and Jonny to squeeze themselves out from under the throne and let it drop to the floor. "Line up with the other two milky lickers and get ready for role call!" The two boys quickly inserted themselves next to Sarah and the collapsed body of Kevin.
"What took you guys so long?" Sarah whispered to Dutch, who was wearing a cupid costume of his own.
"I had to steal the sticky tape from your room to finish the throne when we ran out of glue sticks," Dutch whispered back as Lee stroked her chin with her scepter in front of them.
"Not to mention bandages for all the times they jabbed us with firepokers to motivate us to work faster," Jonny muttered painfully, the damage to his body thankfully hidden under his Melonhead costume.
"Any minute now our boyfriends and the-" Lee began when she paused and glanced down at Kevin taking a good rest on the floor. "May, pick the bum up so he can learn to appreciate me too!"
"*Snort* aye aye lee lol i know how to slap a bum into shape," May answered before skedaddling over and leaning down to Kevin's face. "*Snort* oh kevin my kevin lmao the kanker bell tolls for thee," she sung before running her tongue across his face like a beagle licking the face of its fallen master.
"Man this is one awesome Eskimo kiss, Sarah..." Kevin muttered as his eyes flicked open. Instead of a twat brat he saw a bitch with beaver cleaver teeth. "Shit! I didn't order a tongue bath, you goofdork!" he cried before shooting to his feet with the others.
"*Snort* that was a preview rofl full body costs extra," May giggled out before retreating to Marie's side so Lee could lay down the law.
"As I was saying before May started tonguing failed motocross drivers, any minute now our boyslaves will be here with sissy missy and her farm daddy!" Lee started, marching back and forth in front of the Anti-Dork Squadron standing at rapt attention before her. "So it's about time y'all knew your stations! First, Dutch and that soulless ginger he hangs out with will be on disc jockey duty!" Sarah and Kevin looked at each other, not knowing which one of them she meant. "Change out the tapes to keep things fresh and make sure no one stands around in the corner!"
"I can hear the bluegrass playing in my head already..." Dutch muttered.
"Next up, that bird-brain joker with the fruit coverin' his mug will be handin' out food and drinks!" Lee ordered at Jonny with a flick of her scepter.
"Why do I have to be a waiter?! I know Ed's a big eater but we got plenty of grub to go around!" Jonny complained as being nailed down to one spot was more painful than what any master of torture could inflict upon him.
"I thought you wanted the job? Why the fuck would ya be wearin' a food hat otherwise?" Lee interrogated as she stopped her pacing to stare him down.
"As a desperate cry for help?" Jonny reasoned.
"Cry to someone who cares! I need someone to guard those omelets anyway because we got dibs on 'em!" Lee barked back.
"Yuck, you guys actually like Dutch's cooking?!" Sarah yelped in disgust, Dutch deciding the bottom of the swimming hole would make a fine watery grave for her.
"His omelets remind us of the burnt corn dogs mom used to make before she pawned our toaster oven off to get May spayed," Marie explained as May humped the armrest on the lipstick throne. "The operation failed."
"And to end the Decree of Lee off on a high note, me and the girls will be hidin' around out back to make our grand entrance!" Lee stated while stroking her scepter. "We'll be busy changin' into our costumes while y'all butter up the guests, but don't be afraid to take a sneak peak at any point, ya hear?" The Anti-Dork Calvary passed a barf bag down the line to cleanse their pallet.
"This is all cool or whatever, but when does the part where we splat bugdorks with a flyswatter come into play?" Kevin questioned before wiping specks of vomit from his lips.
"A guy like you would want to skip right to the climax, wouldn't he?" Lee teased before walking back toward her throne. "If you wanna destroy a man's aspirations properly, you gotta give him somethin' to aspire to first! That means you make sure to be a good host and get those good boys to trust ya with all their heart! That way when we fuck 'em over, we'll fuck 'em under too!" She sat down on her throne and crossed her legs. "Now any questions from anyone other than May?!"
Everyone else shook their heads while May bounced up and down beside her with her hand over her head.
"Alright, now any questions from May and not anyone else?" Lee asked as her sister's ability to contain herself ceased.
"*Snort* is the position for poledancer still open lol i could really bring the whole room together," May asked.
"No but the position for throneslave just opened up! Get to haulin' my ass before Marie hauls your ass to the sex dungeon!" Lee commanded as Marie pulled out a big fucking tree branch and struck May's saggy behind.
"You heard the Painlord. Under the throne now or the nipple clamps come out next," Marie threatened as May squeezed herself under the throne and shifted it onto her back.
"*Snort* at least i got a real blue collar job before marie did lmao lets talk about dental benefits," May huffed out as she struggled to move out of the room while the cruel taskmaster Marie drove her forward.
"Shut up, May," Lee said as she and her sisters departed.
The Anti-Dork Quartet stood there in distress, the unique style of family-bonding the Kankers practiced not helping with their uneasy feelings about the coming party.
"Now that the special inbred forces of the Anti-Dork Army are gone, I wanna make sure that-" Kevin began when Marie peaked back into the room.
"Remember - don't eat those omelets or screw this up," Marie threatened as she pointed her tree branch at them. "Or else we'll flip you like an omelet before screwing you."
"Y-You meant screwing you up?" Dutch asked reluctantly.
"You heard me," Marie spat back before returning to May torture duties.
"S-Sometimes I get the feeling those three should be on some kind of watchlist," Dutch commented.
"We'll worry about filing restraining orders on the Kankers later, fluffy!" Kevin replied before stepping out from the group and turning to face all of them. "We aren't gonna screw the dork pooch with this party! We're gonna put a screwdriver through dork skulls! That means I want you three to keep your eyes on the dork prize!" he yelled, delivering his tirade with Anti-Dork Fervor as a gleam of light ran across his shades.
"My eyes never left it! My mad mojo is back!" Jonny cheered before whipping out a mop with an orange traffic cone on the end. "Me and Traffic the Wondercone are going to stamp Eddy out like a burning roach on a shag rug!"
"That's the dork-crushing sentiment I'm looking for, Melondude!" Kevin replied before fist-bumping Jonny.
"I'm prepared to pierce Double D's heart with an arrow of affection so he can make out with that notebook he loves to doodle in so much!" Dutch chimed in before nocking an arrow and loosing it, pinning a stray jujube to the dining room wall.
"Fuck yeah, fluffy! Dorks like him were made for target practice!" Kevin shouted before high-fiving Dutch.
"I'll wipe that smile off of Ed's face! He'll present his checking account number to me on a silver platter when I'm done with him!" Sarah yelled before chomping an arrow in half with her teeth.
"Why not, little babe?! Might as well rob the dorks too while we're at it!" Kevin egged on before Eskimo kissing Sarah.
"Hey! Why does Sarah get the special treatment and not me?!" Dutch asked in offense. "My nose needs the wintry love of a jock Eskimo too!"
"Better grab a coat then, Dutch! It's going to be a cold winter for you and a warm one for me!" Sarah said, grinning deviously before suddenly grabbing Kevin's hand and moving to his side.
"Getting real ahead of yourself here, aren't you Sarah?" Kevin said as his face turned a slight tinge of red.
"Aw man! Is everyone getting action except for me?!" Jonny complained. "I freaking knew it! What does everyone have against bald guys?!"
"Snap your birdhouse shut, birdwatch boy! The only action we need is the action of a dork's spinal cord snapping at the brain stem!" Kevin stated before wrenching his hand out of Sarah's. "Enough small talk! Let's show those dorks the best worst night of their lives!" He threw his hand forward and the rest of his allies recovered from their raging hormones long enough to put their hands on his.
They raised their hands above their heads for one last glorious war cry.
"Death to all dorks!"
"Rolf shall unleash the beast pinned inside his soul train tonight!" Rolf shouted enthusiastically as he marched up the street with Nazz and Edd toward the party, which was only a block away. The three of them had lost track of Ed now that it was dark out and hoped he made it to the abandoned house and didn't get creamed by a bus driver while playing in the road.
"I'm ready to get down too, dude! You won't catch me anywhere but the dance floor!" Nazz cheered as she pumped a pom-pom.
"Rolf would hope not since he will never be leaving it!" Rolf replied as Edd scanned the streets for any sign of an Ed pancake.
"At this moment, I suddenly wish Eddy was around to sniff out any dogcatchers that might have snatched Ed up!" Edd said worriedly as he gripped the sides of his wrestling leotard.
"*Guffaws* as if the lowly dogcatcher could ever defeat lothar ahahaha," Ed claimed from the sidewalk in front of the abandoned house. Edd smiled as his doubts about his missing friend subsided and they walked over to join him.
"A fair point, Ed! You with a spatula in your hand are somehow quite the deadly combination!" Edd said before noticing the slabs of hairy beef Ed was flipping on the asphalt. "What exactly are you doing right now?"
"*Guffaws* frying up sum curb burgers ahahaha who wants one while their hot"
"I-I'm saving room for the dust bunnies under the couch!" Edd quickly cooked up with a false grin.
"Toss one my way, dude! Having to chow down on Rolf's cooking has my taste buds walking on the wild side!" Nazz exclaimed as Ed tossed her a rock solid disc of roadkill cooked to perfection with the cold light of the moon.
"Rolf requires a patty pried from a curb as well! We shall see whose cooking overtakes whose, taint-stank Ed-boy!" Rolf demanded, Ed quickly launching a curb burger into the tall teen's waiting mouth.
"Good God, and here I didn't expect to feel a knot in my stomach until we walked into the party!" Edd complained as he watched Nazz and Rolf chew on Ed's delicacy with curious expressions on their faces. His face turned green and he took the plunger from his head and used it as a stop gap on his mouth.
"*Guffaws* green with envy as usual ahahaha u snooze u lose," Ed said before rocketing the rest of the curb burgers into his mouth and swallowing them in one gulp. "*Guffaws* wut do u guys think ahahaha are raccoons liek cavier of da trash can or what"
"More like popcorn shrimp of the trash can, dude, but still better than Rolf's-" Nazz began. Rolf jabbed her in the ribs with a football. "-still not better than Rolf's old world cuisine!"
"Rolf is overjoyed to have his wife-to-be's undying support!" Rolf cheered patting his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "Yet even he must admit, not bad, Ed-boy, not bad at all. The patties only need a dash of ground skeleton marrow and even Rolf would not be ashamed to have them as a party dish!" he added, Ed quickly nodding and plotting to betray Angus for his bones.
"With the pre-party snacking complete and my esophagus plunged, can we please proceed inside before Ed decides to fry up some moonlight cricket fries?" Edd suggested as he forced his plunger wrestling mask back over his sock hat.
"For sure, dude, but I had to make sure I had something on my stomach to help my nerves!" Nazz replied before tugging on Rolf's arm. Ed climbed away from his asphalt grill and the the four of them began to walk across the freshly-trimmed lawn of the abandoned house. Light streaked across the grass from the windows of the house, and they could hear the dull sound of Hank Williams strumming on a guitar from behind the waiting door.
"*Guffaws* dont tell the lady and squire ahahaha but lothar is quaking in his warboots double dee," Ed said as they lead Nazz and Rolf toward the waiting party.
"Don't fret, Lothar should know that the Masked Mumbler is trying his best to overcome his fears about this affair as well," Edd replied as he worked up his own courage. This would be it for the two of them. A glorious party and then acceptance at last. They had their fears of failure or embarrassment inside those walls that might ruin everything. Perhaps Ed might set Kevin's hat on fire and pee on his head to put it out. Perhaps Edd might accidentally graze Sarah's negative A-cup chest with his elbow and get cold-cocked. Or perhaps when Eddy showed up, he might punch Kevin, shove Sarah, and elbow Dutch for some inexplicable reason. No matter what happened, however, they had to make sure at the end of this night that they came out on top and not bottom.
"*Guffaws* u oughta slap the door chum ahahaha my nose is clogged," Ed said as he and Edd stopped in front of the door and both of them wrung their hands together. Neither one of them wanted to be the one to knock.
"Don't be silly! Kevin's expert lawn care work ensures that your allergies won't be troubling you in the least! Besides, I wouldn't want to take the honor away from Lothar!" Edd reasoned.
"*Guffaws* lothar never fights in the vanguard ahahaha the masked mumbler is all about grand entrances," Ed retorted.
"Will one of you dudes just knock on the door?!" Nazz pleaded as her and Rolf stood behind them impatiently. "Everyone gets nervous about parties, especially if there's cool people like me at them!"
"Well put, Nazz! I suppose we're only delaying the inevitable..." Edd sighed back before reaching out and rapping on the door. The four of them waited expectantly for someone to answer the door, all of them with their game faces on for the Friendship Day bash that awaited them. The door eventually swung open to reveal Kevin, who headshotted them with finger guns.
"Just the group of party dudes we were waiting for!" Kevin said cheerfully, the moon reflecting off of his sunglasses. "You brogeeks ready to have the night of your lives or do I have to strike your names from the guest list?"
"*Guffaws* lothar is ready to bust the long knives out ahahaha here is a doubloon for ur trouble," Ed replied before shoving a penny into Kevin the doorman's hand for the cover charge. Kevin tapped the penny against his teeth to make sure it was legit as he eyed the group before him.
"Where's the shortgeek at? You guys didn't accidentally step on him on the way over, did you?" Kevin asked in a strangely hopeful tone when he noticed Eddy's absence.
"The pick-your-pocket Ed-boy shall be late for the festivities as Great Nano was for her funeral!" Rolf answered before shackling Nazz's wrist to his with rusty iron chains. "But Rolf and Nazz-girl shall ensure to warm the dance floor for the Ed-boy before he arrives to set it on fire!"
"Eddy will appreciate the work of a respectable hype man like you, Rolf! Eddy will definitely be here at some point! He told me himself!" Edd added, trusting in Eddy's impeccable track record of truth. "Speaking of guests who are running shamefully late, perhaps the Kankers ran into traffic on the way over and won't arrive until morning?"
"Fuck if I know but the skeezedorks ain't here yet. If we're lucky they got run off the road and crashed into a ditch," Kevin replied before gripping the side of his collar with his hand. "But let's squash this small talk and get you dudes inside! This party is gonna be killer now that my two favorite geeks are here!" he cheered, Ed and Edd smiling at him giddily as the butterflies in their stomach flew out through their ear canals.
"The cheer squad is in the building!" Nazz shouted happily as Kevin let the four inside to check out the scene. The jock took a quick look around outside the front of the abandoned house to make sure the cops busy hunting him for his terrorism at Food Lion weren't sniffing around. He sighed in relief, but he knew there could be more trouble once the Kankers made their entrance. Eddy wasn't here and for all Kevin knew, the scammin' man chickened out despite the reassuring words of Edd. He didn't know how the Kankers would react to being short one dork, but It didn't matter either way - he had a bomb ass party to get back to and had to be the big-chinned host with the most.
