In My Blood
Chapter 18
Authors Note: Each page break is just another random day on the road to Addison's recovery. A bit of a time jump, but I wanted to have it have been a time, of Addison actually trying, without having to write it all out, lazy writing maybe, but meh. It just worked out better this way. I think she very much wants to love Oakley, and to be able to be a good Mom to Oakley, but she needs help to realize.
Addison's POV
3 MONTH TIME JUMP, Oakley 6 MONTHS old.
After a few days Meredith has regained enough trust that she leaves me alone to go to work, and to go home afterwards to spend time with Derek and the kids. We live like this for around three months. I insist that I am fine, and she should just spend her time with Derek and the kids, but she refuses, and this becomes our new normal. She gets ready for work at my house, then goes home to check- in with everyone, and then back here in the evenings after the kids are asleep, spending the night in the guest bedroom, never wanting to leave me alone for too long. According to Meredith Oakley is now sleeping through the night, and they've given the nanny a live-in position, to help her with the increasing price of rent, and have an extra person on hand to help if needed. I haven't seen or heard from Mark since he left that day. I have tried calling several times daily, until finally the calls stop going through and a message saying 'I'm sorry, the person you are calling is no longer accepting calls from this number. Please try again later.' And I know he's blocked my number. I sleep so much that it doesn't really matter I am alone during the day. My schedule is basically nonexistent. I wake up briefly when Meredith gets up in the morning, I shower, and then by that time I am so exhausted that I fall back into bed, or sit on the window seat watching the outside world and generally do not rise again until Meredith gets back in the evenings, with the exception of the most basic of needs such as using the bathroom or pumping milk for Oakley. The therapist, Jenny comes by twice a week. It took a while, but we're finally talking a little bit, she mostly wants to talk about Heavenly, and why I'm so afraid to love Oakley, and how has Mark leaving me affected me. I mostly just want to stay silent, and watch the cars pass. There is something about her though. She is trustworthy. She won't hurt me.
"They'll have to put the feeding tube back in." Meredith says frowning, at me, as she comes over to the window seat, sitting next to me.
"I'm fine." I say. "I ate earlier." It's a lie, but it doesn't matter. I am so tired. I can't remember the last time I was in the kitchen for longer than the time it takes to put the milk bottles in the refrigerator, for Meredith to take back with her the next morning. I don't even know what food is in there. I certainly haven't gone to the grocery store. She is eating a hamburger and french-fries from some fast food place. I try not to watch her. Try not to breathe too deeply. The smell of the food making me nauseous. I am thankful she's stopped fighting with me over food. It took around a month, but she finally stopped, saying that it is something I should bring up with my therapist, and her stressing me out obviously isn't helping.
"Pumping is taking too much out of you, when you're already not eating properly. I mean, Oakley is growing well, and she is doing fantastic, but we could put her on formula if pumping is too much." She says, and I am frustrated that she is bringing this up again, but then starts rambling on, giving me the update on Oakley's six-month checkup which was today. She is gaining weight well. She is meeting all her milestones. She is an absolute joy and loves playing peek a boo. She had her vaccines like I requested, and barely even cried. The pediatrician has given the OK to start solid food, but Oakley isn't interested, and she knows I wouldn't want her to force it until she is ready, so she's waiting until Oakley shows more signs. When I first had Meredith and Derek take Oakley, I called her pediatrician's office and gave them, and the nanny, permission to bring Oakley in for appointments, and give permission to treat as needed. They sent me an electronic file to sign and send back, and that was that. When it became apparent that Mark wasn't coming back anytime soon, I talked to my lawyer and had paperwork drawn up, giving Meredith and Derek temporary emergency custody of Oakley, just in case.
"Please don't Meredith…" I grumble. I don't want to know anything more than I already do about Oakley. I know she isn't telling me this to make me feel bad, but it does all the same. Why can everyone else manage my own child but me?
"You need to know this information."
"Why?"
"Because it is obvious that you do still care."
"Don't put her on formula yet, if she is thriving, she's thriving, that's all that matters."
"Would you like to see her? I could bring her by for a visit." Meredith offers, showing me a picture of Oakley on her phone. She is wearing a little flower sleeper, with a matching headband. Sitting up in one of those infant jumpers, playing with a little pink toy cell phone. "She's so amazing Addison. If only you could get to know her."
"No." I say automatically, pushing her phone back towards her, and taking a drink of my green tea. "I don't want to get to know her."
"Are you sure?" She asks, and I think back to some of the things Jenny (the therapist) and I have been talking about these last several weeks. If I wanted to, I could go through the steps to integrate Oakley back into my life and allow a smooth transition for her. I can overcome my fears. She thinks I am so frightened of hurting Oakley, because I couldn't protect Heavenly. I don't know what I want. When Mark left me, I knew I couldn't care for her. I did what I thought was the best thing for her. I just wanted her to be safe. I was so terrified.
"She despises me. I wouldn't do her any favors by trying to make her love me." I say carefully.
"You haven't seen her in three months, Addison she is such a wonderful little girl."
"If she's so wonderful I should just sign over my rights completely." I murmur.
"Addison." She says, putting a lot of emphasis on my name. "I'm not trying to take your daughter from you. You can have her back whenever you're ready." She says, assuring, but I just shrug.
"What happens If I'm never ready?" The idea of seeing her, holding her, made a little spark of something come up in my heart. What was this? Joy? No. Hope. She is not gone forever. I could see her. Part of me wants to see her, but the bigger part of me is horrified that I will screw this up too. I screw everything up.
"She's not Heavenly, Addison, and she's not Michael either." She says, and I feel a pang in my heart when she says their names. Especially his. She knows we don't talk about Michael. "She is here, she's alive and she's beautiful."
"That is exactly why I have to stay away." I say, but it breaks my heart more and more every day. These feelings are so confusing.
"Mark came back to work today."
"Oh?" I asked, not even aware that he was gone from work as well as our lives. I had assumed he just left us.
"Yeah, apparently he took his overdue paid vacation time and just came back." She explained. "He wanted to know how you're doing, how the baby's doing." She goes through her nightly routine, showing me what seems like 100 pictures and videos she took of Oakley in the last few hours. It was only like ten, but she seemed to just drone on and on. Every night I start out annoyed that we are doing this, again, but by the time she is done I am smiling, looking down at this tiny little girl's picture. She really does seem wonderful.
"What did you tell him?" I ask, noticing how Oakley's hair is still the same shade of crimson as mine is.
"I told him I don't know, and if he wants to know he needs to come speak to you."
"Ok…" Is all I manage, she see's me smiling pictures on the phone. I don't realize I am doing it, but I had automatically started swiping through, looking back at the ones she has shown me before. She offers to bring the baby by again, and this time I take a chance. This time... I say yes.
"Here you go sweetie pie here's your mommy, here she is…" Meredith coos, not thinking, the next evening, as she hands Oakley to me.
"I'm not her 'mommy'." I say automatically, taking the baby, and sitting her on my lap, looking her over. Her bottom lip begins to tremble, she moves her head around, looking for Meredith. "I'm not your mommy." I tell her, holding her up, letting her stand on my legs and looking her in the eyes. She frowns at me, and then giggles, and begins "bouncing" up and down, using my legs for leverage.
"You have to talk to her like this…." Meredith says raising her voice to a sing song baby voice. I roll my eyes at her, and Oakley gives her a little baby giggle, raising her arms out to her. I don't know how to react to Oakley. "She's six months old Addison, not six years old, she doesn't understand. What will she call you if she doesn't call you 'Mom' or 'Mommy?" She asks me.
"My name is Addison." I say, but I cringe. My voice sounding so much like Bizzy's that I want to vomit.
"You don't have to re-write history Addison, you're not Bizzy." She says, automatically reading my thoughts. She gives Oakley her pacifier, and baby girl takes it, suckling away, as she relaxes and snuggles up against me, beginning to fall asleep. Not a single whimper. My heart swells, as I look down at her. I don't feel afraid. I just - No. I won't let myself imagine it. I can't. But what if I could?
"I made a mistake…." I say, "Do you think I could really do this…. I mean …. If Mark doesn't…."
"If you continue with therapy, I don't see why not, you can do anything you set your mind to."
"I wanted to convince myself I didn't love her, I tried so hard but…." Oakley wiggles, and I take a deep breath, trying, but unable to stop the tears.
"You love her."
"I do…" I hold her close, so close, and Meredith hugs us both, careful not to wake the sleeping baby up.
We agree that Meredith and Derek will continue to keep Oakley for now, just until I am ready, but she brings her by several times a week, checking with me that morning before she leaves for work, and again in the afternoon to make sure I am OK with having a visit. I am thankful for Meredith agreeing to do supervised visitations, and not just leaving her with me like she did Willow. I am terrified of the thought of having Oakley alone. Her… visiting with her… plus extensive therapy, and medication to help with the depression and anxiety. A cocktail to help relieve the pain of losing Heavenly. I am not ready yet. It is too soon. I can't be alone with Oakley. I am still haunted by the sleepless nights I just wished that she would shut up. The nights I fantasized about all the ways I could make her shut up. Her constant screams broke my brain in a way I am afraid it will never recover from. I know now that I would have never actually hurt her, but then…. when I was in the middle of it? Before I had gotten back on medications? I didn't know what I would or wouldn't have done. I do know one thing though. I am so undeserving of her. She is looking forward to seeing me now. When Meredith brings her, she smiles, and her little eyes light up when she sees me.
"Things seem to be going well." Meredith says, smiling approvingly. For the last two visits I had taken care of Oakley completely on my own, without her having to prompt me, or tell me what to do. I feel myself smiling more when I talk to her and feeling better in general. This confuses me so much. Am I betraying Heavenly by having these feelings for Oakley?
"I know." I say quietly. I had brought some of the soft play pieces up for the basement, and set up the mirror, and a wedge. I hold her gently, making sure she doesn't roll off in either direction as she pushes herself up, looking at herself in the mirror and making faces at herself.
"She loves you Addison. You could be her Mom."
"I wish that was true…. More than you know."
I wake up with a start to someone sitting beside me on the bed where I was previously sleeping. I had taken a double dose of melatonin tonight, and didn't even hear him come in. My eyes struggle to focus, as I sit up and the person pushes my ratted hair out of my face. I know those hands anywhere, know that body wash anywhere. Mark. For a minute I am dreaming, but no. I am awake.
"What are you doing here?" I ask angrily. "How did you even get in?"
"You didn't change the security system code. Where's Oakley?" He asks.
"What?" I ask annoyed, still slightly groggy from the medication. It is supposed to make you wake up refreshed, but that is only if you get a full nights sleep, not if you are woken up, I look at the clock, two hours later.
"Where's my daughter?" He repeats. I just shake my head, wanting so desperately to sink back into my pillows and sleep.
"You were gone for three months." I remind him. "You didn't call, didn't text, didn't email. Not once did you visit. I tried calling you every single day until you blocked my phone number!"
"I went to check on her, Addison, she's not in her crib." He grabs me shaking me hard, clearly panicked. "WHERE's OAKLEY." Meredith comes in then and looks quite annoyed to be woken up at this hour, by his shouting. "I'm calling 9-1-1."
"Let her go." Meredith demands, coming into the room, and looking quite annoyed as I feel that she's been woken up at this hour. He does. I rub my arms annoyed, although now thoroughly awake.
"Where is my daughter Meredith?" He says, taking out his phone, and preparing to dial the numbers.
"Addison gave up custody." She says, not telling him the full story, that I had only given temporary custody, nor telling him that Oakley is safe with Derek and Willow, not telling him that I have been working to get better, or that I have been visiting with her three times a week. Maybe we are on the same wavelength. He is undeserving. Three months in he bailed. I am not any better than he is. I gave her away, but it was better than the alternative. That was for her own safety.
"She can't do that without my approval I'm Oakley's FATHER."
"I didn't need your approval, you abandoned us, and despite all efforts I was unable to contact you."
"I'm sorry… Addison I don't know what I was thinking." He says, and he is crying, I gaze at him, numbly, cold heartedly. "Please tell me where she is. We could regain custody… I just want my daughter back. I want us to be a family." He begs.
"Where were you?"
"Addison I -" He starts, and I raise my eyebrows at him, already knowing the answer. "I'm sorry…." He says again.
"Mark just go… we can talk about the in the morning when we're all more rested." Meredith requests.
"After begging me to carry Oakley to term, and everything I went through to get that child here safely…."
"You tried to kill yourself, more than once."
"That's unfair Mark." Meredith interjects.
"Who says we're playing fair? She gave our daughter away!" He runs his fingers through his hair, and stands, begins pacing the room angrily.
"You knew I wasn't capable of caring for her and you abandoned her with me."
"You're her mother. I didn't abandon her, I left her with her mother. You were doing fine."
"No, I wasn't Mark." I say quietly. "I just wasn't, and I'm still not."
"You will be, you just need time Addison." Meredith says, and I forget she was even in the room. She rubs her eyes and stretches, tiredly.
"She's gone. I don't need time." I say simply, giving her a look, that merely says 'please don't screw this up.'She knows that I have been working my ass off so that I can bring Oakley home, so that I can have a safe environment for her, but that information doesn't need to be shared with Mark, not now. How do I know I can trust him to keep us safe? To keep this baby safe when we get her back? How do I know he is not going to just bail when things get hard again?
"I want you to leave Mark." I say furiously. "You left us, and you could have been dead for all I know. You are un welcome here until you can gain my trust back, and that's going to take a while." He gets up and leaves, mumbling something about 'calling in the morning when you're more reasonable. I know what I did wasn't right, not letting him know the full story about Oakley, but at the time, it seemed brilliant. If he wanted her so bad, why didn't he take her with him?
Authors Note:
Thank you everyone for reading this new chapter of In My Blood! I really wanted to see what Addison and Mark would look like with a little Addison looking baby, and so I made the new cover image in photo-shop 3 I think they are beautiful. I really wanted to show Addison trying in this chapter. Between therapy, regular visitation with Oakley, and medication I think she will be fine, and while things will not be perfect, especially not all at once, improvements are being made to their lives.
