Chapter 81

Yes means yes.

Disclaimer:I don't own GG

Background: takes place in the episode where Lorelai is gone for the weekend and Rory eats in her house with Jess and Paris, which is when Dean comes, Jess leaves and they start fighting. All starts going down after that.

Warning: Some chapters may be really triggering

Note: We all know a lot is going on in the world right now, so maybe this fanfic seems silly in comparison or writing in it. Then again, what better way to continue writing it than when we are all stuck at home (or many of us, anyway). Planning to update daily or every couple of days for a while.

Note 2: This might be the longest chapter I've written, but I didn't really want to separate this whole thing in 2 chapters, so I'm going with it.

1.

Rory stopped running, clutching on the left of her waist, gasping for air. Her lungs were burning up. Paris was surprisingly good at it, and she wasn't taking it easy on her at all. When they were running, the whole world melted away. All Rory was doing was trying to catch up with her friend, feeling her sneakers hit the ground in uneven strides, the wind wooshing around her face.

'You done, Gilmore?' If Rory had been worried that Paris would treat her differently she had another thing coming. Paris only smirked at her, beaming with competitive energy. Rory was resting, clutching down, holding herself by pressing her hands on her knees, her face red as she was trying to catch her breathing. Paris looked more in her element and relaxed than she had ever seen her in school, all full of energy and relaxed.

'Not a chance.' Rory laughed and sprinted off before Paris had time to react, enjoying Paris trying to catch up to her for once. She had never been much of a runner before, hadn't tried really, but it turned out she had good genes for it. She was laughing as Paris ran to catch up to her and then past her. She stopped laughing and pushed further, feeling the energy bubble through her body, lightness she hadn't felt in a while.

When they got back to Rory's porch, both of their faces were healthily red and they were breathing heavily. Paris examined her friend's face, pleased at the result, and promised to be back in a week.

Rory hugged her warmly and Paris stood awkwardly, unsure.

'You know I'm not much of a hugger right?' she muttered.

Rory laughed. 'Yeah, I know. We can work on you too.'

'Pff. One run and she thinks she's calling the shots.' Paris rolled her eyes jokingly. 'Call me tonight? Let me know you're good?'Paris eyed the Gilmore residence, knowing Jess was still there.

'Jess is fine. He's been the best person I could have hoped for, to be here for this. But I will call, I promise.'

'Please don't tell me you're already in love again.' Paris teased, and then her face got ashy, realizing what she had just said. 'I didn't mean...'

'It's okay. I know. I did- I loved him once. Whoever- I thought he was. I'll call you tonight.'

Paris nodded and got in her car.

'And Paris?'

'Yeah?'

Rory gave her an uncertain smile, happy that she had another friend to count on, unhappy about the reason she needed that support. 'Thank you.'

Paris smiled and drove off.

2.

When she came in, the first thing Jess did was give her a bear hug, warm and enveloping, and then pulled away trying to examine her face. To decipher how she was. She blinked in surprise, and then she pieced the information together.

'You heard? When we were talking in the kitchen, you heard.'

He nodded. She wanted to be mad about it, but she found his worry sweet and reassuring, and she was still feeling on a high from the run.

'I'm... running was great. I needed that.' There was color in her face that hadn't been there in a long time, sparks in her eyes. 'It felt so... normal, you know?'

'I know.' he whispered and enveloped her in a huge warm hug again, both his arms surrounding her. She wrapped hers around him too, breathing in the warmth of his body. She felt loved, and home. She sighed, and pulled away. 'I'll be back. Just need to take quick shower and call mom to see what their plans are.'

He let her go do that, and tried not to think about her, naked, under the hot water. When she came back 15min later, he was reading the same damn page of the book he had for about 5th time. She looked relaxed and happy. She put the phone on the table, she had an expression he couldn't decipher.

'Are you okay?'

'They aren't back until tomorrow, at least.' She said, articulating every word, moving from foot to foot nervously.

'Okay?' She couldn't confuse him more if she tried. He got up and got closer to her intuitively, playfully pulled her by her waist to kiss her. 'You okay? Are you worried about them?' She nodded negatively and he stopped kissing her, and looked at her face again confused. 'So what...?'

'I think we should try.' He looked completely mystified, still not getting what she said and she blushed in dark pink, pulling out the small wrapped square out of her pocket. A condom. 'I... the run...I feel good Jess, I feel good, and we are still alone all day today and I think we should try.'

His grip on her waist intensified without him realizing. She took a deep breath trying to look braver than she felt. He pulled her closer now, nervously pushed few strands of hair off her face, gently tucking them behind her ear as he studied her face. 'Are you sure?'

She could feel his hand, soft against the small of her back. She could feel his chest pressed against her. She could feel his jeans tight and hard pressed against her. She took a broken breath, realizing the effect she had on him, and suddenly the whole last days faded in her mind. Her body was pulsing in a new way she had never felt before, the heat building as his jeans unintentionally rubbed against her own.

She gave out a small moan, surprised and pleased to feel him even harder against her thigh.

'I want you so much.' She breathed out, surprised at her own words, at them being true, fully and unequivocally.

'Really?' She could feel him swallow hard. She could see him pause, gentle and inquisitive. He put both his arms gently around her face, making her look at him. She was beautiful, her cheeks pink, her eyes dark and blurred from this new desire.

She hung onto his arms, weak with the idea in an entirely new way. 'Yes.' It was barely a whisper, soft, warm, intense. Longing for him.

'Are you sure?'

She swallowed, warmth spreading between her legs, her body tightening in knots of desire. 'I love you. I'm sure. I've never been so sure of anything.' Her huge sapphire eyes were looking at him without any doubt, just desire. Love.

'I love you too. Do you trust me?' She nodded. 'Do you want this?'

'Yes, yes, yes, stop ask...' She laughed as he finally got the message and his mouth smashed against her, hot, wanting, filled with the same urgency she felt.

3.

Things started moving faster somehow. He glanced around, unsure, but not letting go of her waist. 'Your room?' He muttered, glancing in that direction. She froze in his arms. His eyes immediately went back to her face. 'It's okay if you changed your mind.'

She blushed and shook her head.'No, I still- just not my room, okay? That's where... Just not there, okay...' She muttered ashamed, but he pulled her chin up for her to look at him, his eyes dark with desire.

'Wherever you want, love.' He was hers and the realization was empowering. He was letting her choose, letting her take the lead. He didn't give her any crap about her boundaries on what and where she wanted things to happen. She smiled shyly.

'C-couch? Is couch okay?' She trembled shyly, this time not in fear but anticipation. He didn't say anything, just gently pulled her by her hand. She laid back on the couch, and pulled off the hair tie holding her hair, the chocolate strands spilling around her face. He gently laid over her and kissed her indulgently.

Oh, they had kissed before. They had kissed before, but yet this kiss was nothing like before because she was intensely aware of where they were headed and every cell in her body was awake and hyperaware of him. He kissed her, indulging in every touch, slow, slower, savoring her lips, biting playfully, teasing, tasting her until she gave out a slow impatient moan of pleasure. His arm slid under her t-shirt, surprised to find out she was wearing no bra. His hands were cold at first, and her warm skin felt like burning under his touch as he cupped her breast, played around, feeling her breath quicken, her stomach contract, her arching her back a little. The reaction of pure pleasure from her drove him crazy, his jeans painfully constraining him. He felt her nervously try to unzip them and he made little circles with his cold palm, playing with her nipple some more. Then he slowly got up to help her and took off his jeans, never taking his eyes off of her. Making sure she was okay. She swallowed and took off her own nervously, and then he lowered himself over her again.

He rubbed against her and she could feel a bit of wetness against her thigh, her face burning at the realization that he wanted her- to be in her, too. She looked nervous and he kissed her- her lips, her cheeks, tracing her collarbone right over the line of her t-shirt. 'Do you want to stop?' his voice was coarse with the desire, his eyes darker than she'd ever seen them. She swallowed, the anticipation building up.

Was he crazy? The desire was filling her, enormous and enveloping and she pulled him closer, rubbing against his body like the world was ending. It drove him nuts, feeling her so free and happy, her skin soft like silk under his fingers. He was covering her with kisses, passionate, impatient, playful and there wasn't any fear just desire. Gently, his hand played at the lace of her panties and she contracted surprised at how touchy her skin felt.

'I want you. I want to try. Nooow. Please.' She was pleading, hot and soft like velvet under his fingers, under him, with no hesitation. She didn't have to beg, she could drive him crazy just tracing the curve of her waist. His fingers slowly pushed the tshirt up, exposing her belly button, and he lowered his lips kissing the edge between it and the line of her lacy lilac boxer undies. She arched, and pulled her hands over her head for him to pull her tshirt completely off. He did so, pulling off his own right after. And then he savored her, looked at her breasts until she felt the warmth creep up her cheeks. Then he started kissing her, lower and lower, her collarbone, her shoulders, her full tight breasts, the skin solf and silky, reacting under his fingers. The heat was building all over her body, driving her nuts. He was driving her nuts, covering her in soft kisses as she felt him hard, rubbing against her thighs, one of his hands sliding lower from the small of her back, pulling her closer.

He played with the lace of her panties, teasing and then his fingers gently slid into her, soft and wet and longing for him. She moaned when his fingers played at one spot, jolting at surprise of the electric wave of pleasure it send through her.

'I want you.' She repeated, panting. He lowered his face, cupping her breast, circling her nipple with his tongue until he felt it sharpen in response and her body contracted in another moan as he rubbed his fingers up and down inside her. 'Now.' She panted.

She felt him get up off of her and she opened her eyes in surprise and disappointment. But then she saw him slowly slide his boxers off, putting a condom on. She removed her own panties with trembling fingers. She felt hot and writhing with feelings mashing in waves of desire in her head. It was hard to think straight. He looked at her, taking in the curves of her body, the fullness of her breasts, her hips, slightly apart waiting for him and the idea made him even harder. She was driving him insane, all soft and shy, panting for him to be in her, soft and innocent, her blue eyes deep with desire.

4,

She could feel him big and hard between her legs, and still stopping, looking at her for permission. She wanted to scream at him. She couldn't wait anymore, her body aching to feel him, all twisted in knots feeling him rub against her. Instead she nodded weakly, unsure of her own voice. He slid inside her, and she arched wanting him, but her body didn't welcome the feeling. She wasn't scared, but she stilled, surprised that her muscles were contracting tightly in protest, revolting against the pressure, and he just couldn't push inside her.

Something was off. It hurt, her insides tightening around him, and she still couldn't stop herself. It hurt as if she'd never done that before. She instinctively dug her fingers in his arms in panic and her eyes filled with tears.

'Do you want me to stop?' He stilled, in her and yet not quite inside her completely, strong and vulnerable at the same time, looking for her approval, for any sign of distress.

She nodded no, feeling the tear welling up. 'I want you, I want you so much, I want you more than I've ever wanted anything, I don't know...'

'Hey, hey, hey, love, love. Look at me. Concentrate on me. It's not always so instant, so easy okay? It's not your fault' he said as if he was reading her mind. 'Do you still want to try? Or do you want to stop for now?'

'I don't want to stop.'

'Okay. Look at my eyes. Concentrate on my eyes okay, I'm here, we're in this together. You're a little tense, it's understandable, but you're amazing. Just keep looking at me, listen to me.' She felt him push a little further again, the pain burning a little and she squeezed at his arms, instinctively closing her eyes. 'Honey. Look at me. Just look at me. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Okay. It will hurt, it will hurt a little until you relax, okay.' She felt him gently move in her entrance back and forth as much as he could, and he felt big and she was scared her body was somehow broken now. She tightened at the burning pain, more from the uneasiness and fear that she would never be able to let herself do this. But he was looking at her, with nothing but love and desire, no doubts. 'Honey. Breathe. It will just hurt a little until you relax okay? Just breathe. And we can stop at any moment, just say so. ' She nodded no, biting her lip from the pain. It was like she was rubbing her skin raw unintentionally, except the feeling was in her, this unpleasant grinding sensation like he was pushing to fit into something way too small. Her fingers kept holding onto his forearms with tension. 'Just look at me. You're so beautiful. You're doing amazing, okay.' He suddenly laid fully pressed against her, his arms, enveloping her in a hug, seeking to comfort her, his chest hard and sweaty against her silky breasts, rubbing against her nipples. " just hold onto me, love.' He pushed again and she bit her lip to blood, and then she felt him fully inside her, her muscles finally releasing a bit.

It was uncomfortable, vulnerable, amazing. He started moving and it suddenly felt softer, hotter, wetter like there was a lot more space for him to move. His heart was racing, his breath quick as he rocked back and forth in her. She wrapped her legs around him and felt him even deeper into her. and moaned again, this time in pleasure. He was moving, his weight pressing her in a warm hug, his cheek pressed against hers. He was moving faster and faster and it no longer hurt, and the pleasure started rippling in small waves of warmth through her body. She dug her fingers in his back this time in anticipation, desire, pulling him deeper.

'Jeeeess.' She was moaning under him and felt him speed up, both of them holding on for dear life, moving faster and faster burning up from the urgency, intertwined in each other. And then she felt him explode inside her and the pleasure kept spreading in waves through her body.

5.

He was going to pull out of her, but she stopped him. 'Stay. I like feeling you in me.'

He obliged for a moment, resting in her silky wetness, and then slowly pushed himself a bit up, fixed her unruly hair, her face all redder than after the run. He kissed her, deep, indulging kiss. 'I love you.'

'Mhhm...I love you too.' She whispered in half-moan and felt his body respond to her like electricity. To her disappointment, he slid out, and got up to dispose of the condom. Suddenly she was very aware of how naked she was, of the air, brushing against her breasts. She clutched a blanket she saw around her, her insides still feeling soft and wet, and a little in pain. She was spent, feeling more relaxed than she had ever been in her life, happy, oblivious of the rest of the world existing.

Finally, Jess came back to her and hugged her, skin on skin, them only having put underwear on. He spooned her his arms enveloping her and she loved that feeling like she was safe and loved and as if she belonged to him, without him ever demanding that.

'Rory.'

'Hmm.' She made a face, happy and spent and sleepy, annoyed at him for disturbing that feeling. He'd called her Rory, not 'love', and that gave away that something serious was coming. She didn't want serious. She wanted to bask in the glorious freeing feeling of his naked body enveloping her and the waves of pleasure resonating through her body. She wanted to sleep- God, she wanted sleep so bad, the whole world slipping away. She twisted under him to look at him and saw a line of worry on his forehead, his eyes intense.

'Are you okay? Are you in pain?' She stilled under him and her heart did a painful flip, the reality of what he was asking finally coming back to her. For a while, she had completely forgotten and there was hope in that. She breathed in carefully, slowly, and pushed any unsettling thoughts away, concentrating on retracing everything they had just did together, of saving every moment in her memory, every sound, touch.

'I'm okay. I don't want to think about that now.'

'Are you in pain?'

She nodded breathlessly, holding onto him. She could spend a lifetime like this, she thought. But the worry hadn't left his face and she knew that needed words. 'Love. I'm okay. It hurts, just a little. It's more uncomfortable than anything else. But I love that. It's like I can still feel you.'

She felt the knots in his muscles tense in desire, and release in relief, and his body relax again. He enveloped her in the hug and held her until she slipped in the dream, safe in his arms. Loved. The whole world melted away except for his presence next to her.

6.

He awoke from her twisting frantically, her arms fighting off to get out of his hug. Her eyes were still closed and she was muttering something, clearly still in the dream. He was trying to shake her awake and she was fighting him off in panic, her body glistening in cold sweat. She suddenly shot into sitting position, fully awake and suffocating, her eyes open in panic. She was heaving, faster and faster, gasping, trying to take a breath, her eyes widened and afraid, and somewhere far she could feel his hand rubbing her back gently, talking softly.

'It's okay, love, it's okay, it's just a nightmare, you were having a nightmare, it's not real, breathe. Breathe, It's okay. You're safe.'

Finally, her breathing slowed down, and she started crying, rubbing her face, clutching her hands around her knees as if to protect herself. Her body was shaking as she was whimpering, heartbroken. Somehow a part of her had thought that once she'd made love with Jess, once she was in love, once she could feel as good as that had felt, all the pain would somehow melt away. And she wouldn't have to deal with her past so much anymore. It was a harsh disappointment after that amazing night to wake up in the midst of a nightmare again, feeling small and afraid.

'I'm not-not-not' she took a breath. She didn't want him to think she regretted what they had just done.' I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't. I loved being together. I want this, again, many times. Okay. I'm not-not-'

He smiled through the worry. 'Love, it's okay. Breathe. I know it's not so simple. I know. Come on, let's take a shower. Let's just take a shower, do you want to take a shower with me?'

She nodded gratefully. He gently pulled her shaking body upright and pulled her towards the bathroom. He took off his underwear, and then gently slid her lacy panties off her as well, without any sexual implications. Just care. They both got in the plastic cabin and then he put the water on, and started gently washing her body as she was shaking off the dream, the feeling of him soaping and washing her body gently somehow feeling more intimate and vulnerable than when he had been in her. She breathed, and let him love her, let him wash away the bad memories. It was clear now, she wouldn't get off so easy. This wasn't going away, not even when she had reclaimed her body. But she didn't have to think of that, not yet. For a moment, just for a moment, she could just BE. Just exist. Just let his warmth and love envelop her.