Definitions
mo stoirin [Irish] = my darling
grá go deo [Irish] = love forever
️ TRIGGER WARNING ️
dissociation
There are descriptions of dissociation throughout the chapter, including body-numbing dissociation at the end. If you're in an easily triggered state, then I recommend to read this chapter once you feel more secure. I actually triggered myself while beta-reading this and had to deal with dissociation for the rest of the day. Not fun.
Numb. He was utterly and completely numb. Félix had said something about shock earlier but Adrien didn't care. All he could do was lie on the floor in this unfamiliar house and stare at nothing in particular. His brother had fetched some blankets for him and laid them down on the floor in a sort of nest, but Adrien couldn't muster up the energy to move.
His entire world had been torn apart from one moment to the next. Why should anything still matter?
Not far from him stood a double bed, one side of it empty while on the other side lay Marinette, her legs in splints and her breathing stable, when also weak. What mattered now was that she was alive and that she eventually would recover.
If what Félix had said about shock was true, then it still needed to wear off, because he felt absolutely nothing. Not even relief. He was shaken to his core and he didn't even have the strength to argue with his mind to feel better. The thought only briefly crossed him to be honest, before it floated back into the void he didn't care to address.
Numb.
Like someone had dumped a bucket full of ice-cold water over him. He wasn't drenched, but there was a constant chill as well as a stiffness and numb feeling he couldn't shake. He had also shivered earlier, but wasn't sure if that had been a symptom of shock as well, or just because he had a broken arm…foreleg that had been righted and treated with him fully conscious.
He hadn't cared. He still didn't care.
With great effort, Adrien raised and turned his head to a noise he had heard from the hallway. It was more due to the instinct to protect Marinette than any interest in what was going on around him whatsoever. The very faint flicker of relief at seeing Félix eased him momentarily before he returned to his numb state and turned his head away.
It was like his mother had disappeared all over again. Just like back then, the crippling feeling of loss had settled down on his bones like freshly fallen snow and he didn't feel like shaking it off.
Adrien mourned silently and with no emotion whatsoever. Tears wouldn't come, no matter how heart-rending the pain became. All he could dwell on was the past, both close and distant and he couldn't for the life of him turn it off. His mind jumped from one happy memory of Marinette to the next, while repeating over and over again that everything had been fine not so long ago.
He didn't know if it was how his idiotic brain was trying to reassure itself that everything was fine and disaster hadn't just struck, but it wouldn't change what happened. Marinette had been hurt and almost had been killed! That fact still held true and whenever he forced his train of thought back to that reality, the pain came back with a vengeance. It just didn't want to stop.
Félix sat down beside him and petted his fur. Adrien knew he meant well and that it was probably meant to be calming, but he barely felt it. A flick of his tail to lightly bat Félix's hand away was enough for his brother to stop. He knew him. He also knew that neither of them had any idea what to do.
For a moment, Adrien felt guilty for not allowing Félix to pet him, as he was most definitely in a similar pain, but then dismissed the feeling. Guilt was an emotion meant for something else at the moment.
Guilt and regret.
Such deep and endless regret that Adrien didn't know where to put it all.
This had happened only because of him.
It was his fault.
How stupid and naïve of him to think that it could have ended any other way. Now he hadn't just destroyed Marinette's life but also his own. She would never be able to go back to simple ignorance after this and probably live the rest of her life in a state of constant fear and paranoia, just like he had done for the past couple of years. That she would never forgive him and would likely hate him forever went without saying.
He should have told her 'I love you' so much more than he had done. The words had been so very precious and he hadn't wanted to wear them out by using them too often. He had seen in the glimmer in her eyes that showed how happy it always made her to hear them and how much she appreciated their rarity.
He should have tried to go on dates with her more and do things he knew she loved. A memory of her twirling happily in a flower garden just a few weeks ago came to mind.
He should have known how much he would ruin her life by coming into it, back when he had first introduced himself to her. What if he would have let her keep it at that bad first impression? Would she have hated him enough to keep her distance and not put herself into danger?
Thoughts of 'what if' now flitted through his mind, making it clear that all of this was truly his fault.
Suddenly the numbness lifted, making room for sorrow to fill him and open the floodgates. He was surprised he still could cry as the inhuman scum that he was.
Félix's presence was suddenly very welcome as Adrien pressed himself closer to his brother and just cried. A tight hug and more soothing pets made him feel safe enough to completely fall apart, even purring in distress. Neither of them spoke a word.
Adrien hadn't slept, even though crying for Danu knows how long had exhausted him. Pure stubbornness and fear of what would happen if someone tried to attack Marinette again kept him awake. He had been a procrastinating coward and his self-imposed punishment for it was to keep her safe at all times. Therefore, he was awake and alert. Ridiculous photoshoot schedules coupled with late-night Akumas had forced him to be awake for longer than twenty-four hours at a time before, so he could do it again. He just ignored the fact that he had barely slept the night before as well and that, powerful magic or not, the exhaustion would catch up to him eventually.
Plagg seemed to think something along those lines too.
"You've got to sleep, kid," he said from where he sat on a dresser.
Félix, meanwhile, had shifted and curled up on the blankets for a nap. How his brother had managed to fall asleep with Adrien's constant sniffles was a mystery to him.
Adrien shook his head. He hadn't spoken a word since he had arrived at this house—one of Mélusine's homes, far away from Paris. He didn't know where exactly they were, but he also didn't care. All that mattered was that it was safe and that Marinette was safe.
Plagg sighed deeply.
"Adrien," he said and Adrien raised his head. The kwami only rarely used his name. "I know how you must be feeling right now, but forcefully keeping yourself awake isn't gonna change anything. I'm here to keep a watch on things, so everyone will stay safe. Trust me, you need sleep, especially with that broken leg of yours."
He understood Plagg's logic but…he still couldn't. Once he closed his eyes, all the images, dark thoughts and torturous memories would assault him once more. He had tried. Many times. Eventually he had given up and that's where he was now.
"You're avoiding, aren't you?"
Adrien shouldn't be surprised that the god knew exactly what was going on in his head.
"It's not gonna get better this way, you know?"
He averted his eyes and instead watched the little bit of brightening sky that was visible through a gap in the curtains.
"Well, I know. I've been through this before and my past kittens have been too. Thoughts like 'everything was fine just a few hours ago, if only I could turn back time' are normal. Heck, especially when it comes to my kittens this was often the final push to turn them to the dark side, so to speak."
Plagg paused, probably expecting a reaction of some kind. Adrien didn't have any.
"You're still here, kid. She's still here. Both of you are the worse for wear, but alive. This is far better than the alternative. It means that you'll still get to tell her things and that you can try to make things right."
As so often, Plagg was right. But there was still one thing…
"She'll hate me."
It was the first thing Adrien said and the words hurt his still hoarse throat. Far worse though, they hurt his heart. Because it was true. Would be true.
"That's up for her to decide," Plagg said.
Adrien snorted. As if that would require much thought! He was to blame for all of this horror, so of course she would hate him.
"You saved her, kid, remember that. If it wasn't for you, then she would probably be dead right now. And this isn't the first time you saved her either. She doesn't know it yet, but she's a smart bug and will realise it sooner or later. I can't guarantee anything or make promises, but from what I've seen of her I don't think she has it in her to hate anyone. She's too kind for that."
Adrien curled his tail around himself anxiously.
"There are first times for everything."
Adrien didn't know what to do. He wanted to help, wanted to make the situation better…save the whole thing. He wanted Marinette to wake up, wanted her to smile, wanted her to forget what had happened. He wanted things to go back to how they have been before.
Nostalgia, usually a bittersweet embrace of the past, now choked him, making him cry until he thought he had no tears left and then cry some more. It hurt. Being helpless hurt, crying hurt, being forced to just sit by and wait hurt.
It was an endless cycle of pain.
In the past, he would have sung. He was a creature of another realm, made from songs and twilight. Now though, he couldn't do it. He couldn't do the thing that had been as easy as breathing to him for as long as he could remember. Because, what would it be good for?
There were no words in the world that would make him feel better. Only her smile could do that.
Besides, did a song exist that could express what he felt right at this moment? There were songs about everything, from sadness to anger to loss, helplessness and desperation. None of them came close to what he was feeling. His entire world had broken down, fallen apart and then the broken pieces had shattered even further. The only thing able to save him now was for her to open her eyes again and to get better.
Selfish thoughts of what she would think of him once she saw him flitted through his mind, but he banished those. It wasn't important what she thought of him. Even if she'd hate him—she most certainly would—he would still love her to the ends of the universe and protect her from all harm. All that was important was for her to recover. To be able to smile again…eventually…hopefully.
So, Adrien lay on the floor and watched her. He was close enough to maul anyone who would be so foolish to attack her, but still far enough away to give her space once she would wake up. Far enough away to retreat from the room without getting too close to her. Far enough away to spare her of his inhuman appearance.
He wasn't human enough to deserve her. No matter how hard he tried, he would never be enough to be deserving of her love. He was ashamed to not be human while she thought he was. Once she woke up, she would no doubt see a disgusting creature and send him away. This wasn't a fairy tale after all. He wasn't lucky enough to get a happy ending, the universe had made sure of that. A cursed creature like him wasn't made for happiness, just for misery and misfortune.
It had taken a lot of convincing and the threat of a sleep spell from Mélusine, but Adrien had eventually agreed to take a nap. He had no idea how long he had been out, but he was woken up by his instincts telling him that something was amiss. He raised his head, instantly alert, and looked around the room to pinpoint what was wrong. He didn't have to search for very long.
Adrien might feel numb and void of all happiness, but he still had a high sensitivity towards the emotions of others that surrounded him. So, when he heard distressed noises from the bed and felt, tasted and smelt Marinette's fear, he couldn't help but push himself up from his stiff position on the floor to approach her. She was asleep still, but it was more than clear that she had a nightmare. He pushed past his own devastation and sorrow to climb up the empty side of the double bed and lay down carefully next to her. Unsurprisingly, his presence alone didn't help. He knew what would help, but could he do it?
She didn't wear her charm bracelet and no additional wards like rowan berries had been added to protect her from the fair folk. It wasn't necessary in this house that was safe in and of itself and had not only a powerful Cat Sidhe but also the god of destruction itself in it. The lack of charms, however, meant that a small song could tug her away from the nightmares and into a calmer mindset. It wasn't necessarily charming her, since there were no orders or anything of the sort involved, but it would still manipulate her emotions slightly to feel happy instead of afraid.
When he thought about it, it wasn't much different than if a human would sing a song to her to calm her down, just that with this Adrien had the guarantee that it would work. Either way, he couldn't sink much lower than he already had, so at the very least, it was worth a shot.
He took a deep breath and let the first words roll over his tongue, rusty and full of sorrow.
Hush now, mo stoirin
Adrien almost gave up again right away when he realised that he couldn't give her what she needed. He just didn't have the strength to sing a lullaby-like song with the calmness and peace it deserved. As it was, he would just turn it into a dirge. When he saw her stir less though, he decided to continue, hoping it would have some effect.
Close your eyes and sleep
Waltzing the waves
Diving in the deep
Stars are shining bright
The wind is on the rise
Whispering words
Of long-lost lullabies
Oh, won't you come with me
Where the moon is made of gold
And in the morning sun
We'll be sailing
Oh, won't you come with me
Where the ocean meets the sky
And as the clouds roll by
We'll sing the song of the sea
After the first chorus, his voice had gained some strength and it no longer sounded like he was trying to raise the dead instead of calming down his Princess. He continued.
I had a dream last night
And heard the sweetest sound
I saw a great white light
And dancers in the round
Castles in the sand
Cradles in the trees
Don't cry, I'll see you by and by
Oh, won't you come with me
Where the moon is made of gold
And in the morning sun
We'll be sailing
Oh, won't you come with me
Where the ocean meets the sky
And as the clouds roll by
We'll sing the song of the sea
Rolling, rolling
Rolling, rolling
He hummed the melody that followed, trying his best to just immerse himself into the song and feel the music. It worked a little, making the last chorus come out clearer and more beautiful than those before.
Oh, won't you come with me
Where the moon is made of gold
And in the morning sun
We'll be sailing free
Oh, won't you come with me
Where the ocean meets the sky
And as the clouds roll by
We'll sing the song of the sea
Grá go deo
Adrien felt better after the last words—love forever—were sung and he smiled faintly when he saw that Marinette's breathing had evened out. The improvement was only short-lived as reality pushed itself back into his awareness. He wasn't at a sunset-bathed beach by the sea like the song had painted into his mind, but on the bed next to his lost love.
The reminder made him tear up and he shuffled until he could carefully climb down from the bed again and sluggishly walk over to the blanket pile Félix had vacated earlier. Every step took forever and he was afraid he'd lose balance and fall the more he walked.
The world was numbing around him to the point where even sorrow was unable to touch him. It was like he was wrapped in cotton, his mind disturbingly blank.
So, I can sing after all, he noted, neither happy nor sad nor anything. It was a fact. An unimportant titbit of information that was discarded again almost immediately. Keeping a thought was hard. Why bother?
Because it was scary. The world was numb and cold and lonely. It scared him, but even the fear was numbed. He felt trapped, unable to move his mouth and tongue to form words. Even if someone would ask, he wouldn't be able to tell them what was wrong. He couldn't communicate and that made him feel all the more helpless. There was a word for this state of mind, but he couldn't remember it at the moment. All he knew was that this was far from the first time he had felt like this, but it had been a long while since he had experienced it last. Years ago, in fact.
More thoughts slipped from him until nothing but numbness and fear were left.
