I have been working on this chapter for the last two days. Re-reading this I want to express some caution. This may trigger. It doesn't talk about abuse. It doesn't talk about hurting someone. But it does touch on mental stability. Valka is a very strong woman character in the series. But, I have taken her to today's time keeping in mind she made the choice to leave Hiccup in the series. She could have always gone back but she didn't. I have often wondered why she chose so much isolation - yes, like he she connected with the dragons. I wanted to write about a modern Hiccup connecting with his mother. In my mind - after going through my own family bombshell as a teenager - it all centered around someones mental stability. In this case, Valka had post-pardum depression. And this did not go away for a long time.
Please understand this is why I wrote her like this. And understand this is my own way of getting some thoughts out.
...
Hiccup suddenly felt some real fear bubbling inside his belly and throat. He recognized her.
"...The woman in the woods," he said quietly.
He could see the fear drawing to her eyes, and, like Astrid, she crossed her arms in an attempt to hug and comfort herself. Hiccup noted how pretty she was, and how slender she was. His father was right. He took after her - a lot.
"Hiccup - " she began, but stopped. A sudden look of alarm was in her eyes. She seemed too startled to even move.
His father was at the door, and immediately Hiccup sensed that things weren't going to go so well.
"Get away, Valka!" his father's deep voice roared as he stepped out of the house and over Hiccup.
"Dad - " Hiccup began.
"Stoick - I - "
"He's been with me all this time - and now you want to take him away? The same way you tried all those years ago?"
"No, Stoick, I - "
Hiccup could see the fear in his mother's eyes. She didn't look mean, or evil, or anything close to being a mental patient. She looked - kind. Sincere even. Wait - he was seeing her face from the woods just days prior. She had been following him, he knew that now. But- even then she could have taken him. She could have helped him back to the parking lot and without a proper leg. She could have forced him into the car if she really had wanted to. But, she didn't.
"Dad - " Hiccup said, trying to get his father's attention as he stood practically over him.
"If you think I am going to let you take him, you've got a lot of nerve - you - "
Out of desperation, he found himself pulling on his father's slacks. Just like he'd done as a child. A memory surged back to him. He'd been sick as a child, and running a very high fever during the winter time. And while his father had heated up some soup, he'd tugged as his father's slacks, asking him to pick him up and hold him. His father had been on the phone with a client, Hiccup remembered.
"Lucy, I am sorry but I need to give you a call back. My son is ill. I need to tend to him. Can I reach you sometime this afternoon? Thank you."
His father had scooped him up and held him until the soup was done, had made him a bed on the couch and helped him eat. The thought warmed Hiccup a bit.
"Dad - Dad, please," Hiccup said to him again, pulling on his father's slacks. This stopped his father and he turned to look at Hiccup. "She wasn't trying to take me or hurt me. She - she just wants to help."
Valka's face showed shock. "Here I thought I'd frightened you."
"She wasn't trying to take you?" Mr. Vast asked.
"No, I fell. That's all." He gestured to his prosthetic. "I don't know what happened to it."
His father eyed his mother for a second, then turned towards the leg and bent down to inspect it. Hiccup turned and glanced at his mother in the mean time, who seemed to have needed to take a seat on the steps. She sat on the last one she dared to, and she leaned over to see what Mr. Vast has been inspecting.
"You haven't - done anything to cause it to snap like this, have you?" his father asked gently, now releasing the suction pin from Hiccup's leg to examine it.
"Not at all - the screw became lose the other day - but Astrid fixed it. Hasn't given me issues at all since."
A few moments of awkward silenced passed through them while they watched Mr. Vast inspect the prosthetic. Hiccup caught his mother glancing at each of them, and he could tell she was uncomfortable.
"Well - I think it's shot," Mr. Vast said. "I'll call the prosthetist when they open at eight. In the mean-time - you're stuck on crutches."
For a second, Hiccup felt the wave of annoyance flash through him. Five months ago he'd of loved to have been told he was staying on crutches. He'd disliked his prosthetic then. This one - despite the two recent times it's failed him - he felt more at ease on it. He could move without much of a gait in his step. It was lighter, and it fit better too.
Another wave of awkwardness passed between the three. Hiccup glanced at his father, who was biting the inside of his cheek as he stared in Valka's direction, a look of absence on his face. He could tell his father was mulling over what to say - what to do. His mother, on the other hand, seemed frozen in fear and stress not knowing what to do or how to react. She'd been caught. Her desire to help her son had caused her to get caught up.
"How long have you been watching the house?" Mr. Vast asked suddenly.
His mother winced a little bit. "Uh -" She hesitated.
"The truth, please," Mr. Vast replied gently.
"A - a couple of days." She breathed this out quietly. Hiccup felt as though it was the truth. "I was going to head back to Florida this afternoon. I just - I just wanted to catch a glimpse of him before - before I - "
"Dad, can I stay out here and talk to her?" he asked his father suddenly.
The request seemed to have blown both of his parents away.
"Please," Hiccup breathed. "I think I'll be okay."
"Hiccup, I don't know if that is such a good idea," he said after some hesitation. The elephant around them was heavy. "Just - just not comfortable with that at the moment."
"I won't leave the porch," Hiccup responded. He glanced at his mother. "Right?"
She nodded slowly, still in obvious shell shock that Hiccup had made the request. He could see tears gathering at the corners of her eyes.
The request, he knew, was infuriating his father. Hiccup was actually surprised at how well he'd kept his tone in check after the initial startle.
"Hiccup, we discussed what happened in the past. You know she hired an attorney - Out of my better judgment - "
"Dad - would you rather do this in court or would you rather it happen right here, right now?" Hiccup said. "All she wants to do is talk. She had her chance days ago to take me. She wanted to help me."
"What are you talking about?"
Valka winced. "Ah - well. This isn't the first time he and I have crossed pathways. He saw him while I was hiking. We -" Her eyes weren't connecting with his father's nor his. "We talked briefly when the leg bothered him before. He asked me to go get the girl. I headed in that direction but she was already on her way up the path by the time I made it towards her - "
"You were following him then?" Mr. Vast's voice carried a bit.
"No - no! Honest," Valka responded. "I didn't realize it was Hiccup until I noticed the - " She hesitated. "Until I noticed the leg." She sighed. "I know how it must look, Stoick. But, I promise you. I was only heading up the pathway to clear my head - "
Hiccup felt his stomach drop. That was right. She did hike to clear her mind. His father told him she would disappear for hours at a time - and she was usually in the woods. He took the same paths she used to take. And, that wasn't completely his father's doing. A bit of it was, yes. But, he enjoyed the hikes more-so than his father ever did. Yes, there was a special place his parents shared in the woods. Astrid even liked the spot. But, not enough to go hike with him all the time.
Hiccup blinked quickly, then pushed himself up to sit across from where she sat on the steps. His mother shied back a bit, startled slightly with how close Hiccup was willing to get to her. He turned to his father. "Please. I promise I won't move from this spot." He really wanted to talk to her. Now that she was sitting here in front of him - he really wanted to talk to her. Get to know her. Ask her - why? This was his chance. Perhaps - his only chance.
The look on his father's face told Hiccup he really didn't like his son's decision he was making. But, his father held back. "I'll be inside." Turning to Valka. A twinge of discuss showed on his mouth. "I'd like a word, too, please, when you are both finished."
His father picked up the prosthetic pieces and went storming back into the house. The screen door slammed shut behind him.
A moment passed between Hiccup and his mother before Hiccup made the first move to speak.
"Hi," he breathed.
Valka turned her head and swallowed. "Hi."
This was going to be awkward. More-so than it had been prior. Why couldn't they have just met and talked in the woods? Or, would it have been best to have talked over lunch. At least a plate of food would have distracted them and pushed the strange silence around a bit.
"You were heading back home?" Hiccup asked her.
Valka gave him a small smile and nodded, not meeting his eyes again. "I thought it would have been for the best."
"Why do you say that?" Hiccup asked.
Valka sighed. "Well - I wanted to see you. But, I was afraid you'd reject me." She swallowed and looked away. Hiccup noticed she was sitting sideways on the steps, her knees drawn up to her chest, her arms now wrapped around herself. She was afraid; he could see that.
"I - I can't really say if I would have rejected you or not," Hiccup responded. "I guess it depends on - what you wanted, how you would handle it?" He ran a hand nervously through his hair.
Valka grimaced. "Honestly - there's really no right way or wrong way. I know when you were five, and I was struggling - your father has probably told you about my - mental state?"
Hiccup nodded.
Valka narrowed her eyes at him. "You aren't scared of me?"
"Why would I be?" Hiccup asked. "I mean - I think at first I was. But - you seemed genuine on the hill. You wanted to help - you asked if you could help."
"You are my son - " Valka gulped. "I wanted to help you of course."
Hiccup found comfort in that statement.
"Hiccup - I know your father's probably told you some pretty shocking things - things I did, that he did that I know I am not proud of. Things I know he isn't proud of either."
Hiccup was surprised. She wasn't blaming his father. She was kind of blaming herself more than anything. She was sincere. She wasn't playing mind tricks on him. At least, he didn't feel like she was. Hiccup was a guarded individual - all the year of bullying, especially for the person he know knows as a relative - Snotlout. It took others time to bust down his walls, especially these days. He could feel his mother slowly chiseling away the wall. Barely - but he was open to listen to her and talk to her.
"Dad told me that you've yo-yoed a bit. Up one minute, down the next."
Valka nodded. "I used to have what they called bipolar depression. After some treatment - talking to someone, some medications...It's not like it was years ago. I - I feel better than I had years ago. When you were little - it was shameful to be institutionalized. If someone found about medication you were on for your head, often times people kind of kept their guard up while talking to you. I felt like I had the plague sometimes." She laughed slightly. "Perhaps that was my imagination to some regard."
She was easing up a bit. Now that his father wasn't there she seemed to have calmed. Her shoulders weren't stiff. She had a small smile. He could see that she was in awe with him just studying his features. He felt a warmth flow through him the way she looked at him.
"How long have you felt this - okay?"
"Ah - well, maybe the last four or five years. Since I moved to Florida, started working in a vet clinic. Helping animals. Having a purpose." She paused.
"Was I not your purpose?" Hiccup asked her. The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them. He saw very noticeable tears instantly coming to her eyes. She took a moment.
"You were my purpose for so long," Valka said. "I - I am ashamed to say that at the time - when I was a rocking back and forth between insane and sane, it wasn't. I'd isolated myself. I was sick - and it isn't an excuse by any means. I loved you - but your father was right. I couldn't take care of you properly." Valka had tears sliding down her face. "I left you behind because I knew he was right. There in the end - when I'd calmed down from my manic state..." She trailed off, sniffling slightly, resisting the urge to let the tears fall freely.
Hiccup didn't meet her eyes. He didn't like seeing her cry - he didn't like seeing anyone cry.
"Why have you decided to try to get me - to take custody?" Hiccup asked.
Valka sighed. "I never wanted that, Hiccup. The attorney -" Surprisingly her face contorted to a bit of bitterness. "The attorney I was working with worked me up. Said I wouldn't be able to get just a visitation without trying to get custody. By law, I had rights to visitations. Your father never took those from me - "
"But you were trying to do the proper thing?"
Valka nodded, smiling at his reply. "When I approached the attorney, all I wanted was to go to the courts and ask the judge for a private conference in the chambers with he and your father - and maybe the attorney. I assumed your father would have wanted to represent himself in this - I didn't know. But - at that point it all just spiraled." A small sob escaped her mouth now. She struggled to hold her composure. "I promise you, Hiccup, I didn't mean for this to happen."
Hiccup's father was at the screen door. His presence startled her and she instantly looked away, embarrassed and perhaps scared to be near him. Perhaps upset that he'd interrupted their privacy. In his hand he'd held a single crutch, and he positioned it in front of Hiccup.
"Come on inside," he said gently, turning from each of them. "I'll - I'll make us some coffee and we can talk."
...
The house felt eerily still. Hiccup sat at the kitchen table in his usual seat. Ironically, his mother settled herself instantly in the seat beside where his father usually sat. This seemed - normal to her. Habitual. She didn't miss a beat. He watched her studying the house. He felt a small chuckle ringing inside his lungs. His father had barely changed the decorations at all over the year. They still had the same curtains, now probably faded over the years. The walls were the same color. The interior really could have used an upgrade. The only things that were probably different were the appliances. They'd just replaced the stove a few years ago, and every two to three years his father would wear out his coffee maker and go buy himself another cheap one from Walmart in the twenty or thirty dollar range.
His father fumbled clumsily around the kitchen, pouring water into the coffee maker then spilling half of it on the counter. After beginning the coffee, he moved into the fridge, where he pulled out the orange juice and a glass, pouring it successfully and placed the glass down in front of Hiccup.
"Do you still take creamer?" Mr. Vast asked Valka.
She nodded gently, and he sat the creamer down on the table.
Silenced passed through the room for a bit while Mr. Vast moved around the kitchen. Hiccup could sense that his father was shaky and nervous.
Finally, the coffee was finished, and his father placed a cup down for Valka at the table. Surprisingly, his father also took his seat next to her. Hiccup couldn't help but stare at them. He couldn't remember a time seeing his parents close in person. Yes, their wedding photographs that he'd seen, and bits and pieces of tattered memories that we so vague he thought he'd made it up. But, here they were in the flesh.
"Now," Mr. Vast said gently. He turned to Valka. "Did I hear you say you were going back to Florida?"
She nodded, holding her hands against her warm mug. Hiccup noticed she wasn't wearing a ring on her hand, and this surprised him. He'd thought his father said she'd been dating or had been married.
"I - I thought it best to just go home," she said. "I didn't want to disrupt your lives - I mean, I knew I would with the request to see Hiccup. But - I by no means wanted to take him from you, Stoick."
"Why now?" he asked. "Why not when he was ten, eleven, twelve?"
She sighed. "I just -" She paused. "I've gone to therapy religiously for the last few years. The therapy started after I stayed - in a ward for a two weeks. I found the right help, finally. But, I realized even on my good days that I wouldn't be able to be there for Hiccup. Not correctly." She paused, and Hiccup could tell she was on the verge of collapsing emotionally. "I honestly got better. They dismissed me a year ago. They checked on me for a week at a time, then a month, then they stopped calling me six months ago. I - I decided I wanted to see my son. But, I wanted to do it in a way that didn't just create me walking right into the house and saying 'Here I am -'"
Mr. Vast looked at her, and Hiccup was surprised to see his expression was soft. "You - you really were trying to do the right thing?"
Valka gave a weak, tearful smile to him. "I was. I didn't want to uproot you." She turned to Hiccup, extending her hand out to him, but let is stop halfway in the middle of the table. Hiccup could tell she wanted to reach out and touch him. He wasn't ready for that. Her face looked sad. "When I talked to the attorney -" Suddenly, she looked angry. "He said you'd gotten into an accident - told me a tall tail of what happened."
Hiccup swallowed. "He worked you up."
"I went to the hotel angry. I called Spitelout in a panic - I admit I almost lost myself. He calmed me down just enough for me to realize what happened was an accident."
"Did he really know what happened?" Mr. Vast asked her.
"He thought a car accident - cancer - "
Hiccup laughed slightly causing the mood to change in the room. "Everyone thinks I got cancer. It was my own stupidity! I was up on the roof of the house sketching. I lost my footing on the ladder - I came down wrong and - " He trailed off. "It was my fault. Not cancer - not Dad's -"
Valka nodded. "It took me time to calm down. I was talking to the attorney everyday. The day I saw you - my heart changed."
Hiccup cocked his head. "In the woods?"
She nodded. "This wasn't your father's fault. Honestly - I was angry at myself for not being there for you at the time." The tears started welling up in her eyes and suddenly they were falling. "I should have been here to watch over you!" Her hands were at her face, and she couldn't hold the dam up anymore.
...
