-Lydia's POV Dec 14 1993 4:00 pm- I was about ready to be heading home, and just dealing with my loud and annoying family, who never seemed to give me a moment to myself, when something much more exciting and nice happened to me that day. Something that I was really not expecting, but had no objection over whatsoever. That was the fact that I had met somebody who was going to start to slowly become a possible friend of mine, once I would finally get to know them a bit more in the long run.

So it started when I was packing up my stuff at the end of the day, and I was about to head on home, and be taking it as another day. I mean, it wasn't like I did not have any friends or anything. I wasn't like Seth or anybody like that. I was just somebody who had no friends that could be able to hang out after school, making it so that the only thing that I had every day was just going home.

But I was not going to let that get in my way too much, since I had so much that I had wanted to do. I had so much that I felt like I was going to be able to do to make me feel happier if I were to actually go out and do something with my time. But there was a girl who was coming up to me. For once, somebody who was wanting to talk to me, and not one of my brothers approaching the other person. Which was strange, since I think the only one who did not do that so far was Gabe.

She was looking kind of happy, while also kind of nervous. I knew that whatever was in her mind, she was not quite wanting to say it, in worrying how I was going to be reacting. I had no idea what the issue was. But at the same time, I had no desire to force her to be feeling anything if she was clearly just not in the mindset right now.

"So I've seen you around school lately, and you look kind of cool. Would you be willing to go on and hang out or something like that?" She asked me, and I was seeing her looking truly unsure of what she was going to tell me. She was probably just wishing that I was not going to be too rough with her. Thinking that maybe I would be as calm and nice to her as I possibly could. I thought that she was being too worried on this, and I decided that I would try to make her feel better.

"I am doing alright. I mean, I don't really have anything exciting going on, if that is what you are meaning." I said, and then I was looking at her, wondering what the heck I was going to be saying. I was not ready for somebody new to approach me, and I was feeling like I was constantly needing to be on the ready no matter what was happening. "I mean, I doubt that it would be a good idea to hang out." I said, thinking of my siblings.

"Why would you say that?" She asked, and I was clearly seeing her look almost kind of sad at that idea. Almost like she was wishing that I would not have said anything like that. And seeing the way she was feeling, and seeing her clearly looking like she had wanted to get closer to me, I was sort of feeling bad for it all. But I had no idea what to tell her now.

"Well, when you have ten brothers at my house, and they are all crazy, it would be kind of hard to get used to something like that. Sometimes it's a bit hard for me." I said and then I was looking right at her, ready to see her tell me how crazy I was for having so many siblings, and that she would just tell me off, and act like this was probably not going to work after all.

Instead, she was just giving me a simple response that I was not expecting, but was probably going to show that maybe she was going to be fitting right in, and that I did not need to worry about it so much. "How do you have so many siblings anyways? How does your family handle all that stress? That seems almost too exciting to handle." She said, and then I was laughing at that, thinking that she was partially correct with this.

"Seriously, right? I mean, there is just so many things that are going on that it is much too hard to really be able to keep track of all at once. I mean, I want to go on and hang out with some people, but I can't do that without having like a mini tornado coming along and just making it impossible." I said, and then I was laughing at that, wondering what the heck I was needing to say now to keep the conversation going.

"I mean, they are nice and all, I will give them that. There is nothing wrong with them trying to be there for me. But this is sometimes a bit much to handle, and as a result, I often times feel a bit overwhelmed by something going on right now." I said, and then I was looking right at her, wondering if she had any insightful opinions on this.

"Anyways, what is your name? I'm Lydia. The middle one of the bunch. And sadly the only girl." I said, thinking about how it was somewhat of a shame that there wasn't even at least one other in the house, and how much I would have loved having at least one sister in there, to sort of make me happier. To make me feel like there was some form of connection I could make.

"I'm Claire. I'm an only child. I can't even imagine what it would be like having ten siblings at all." She said, and then I was seeing her looking like her mind was about to explode over the mere thought of such a thing. I was laughing at that, thinking that as long as we kept it simple enough, we would be able to keep something going on for a while longer.

"Well, if you ever do show up at my house at any point, then I think that you can always be able to go on and ask them how it is like. I am certain that they would love to go on and give you their perspective on the matter." I said, and then I was shaking my head, feeling like the idea of letting them meet Claire so fast was probably a terrible idea, and I was thinking that maybe I needed to be thinking of a better way to be getting them in the swing of things.

"That sounds like it would be a lot of fun. And maybe they can be nice to me, and then I can go on and fall in love." Claire said, and then I was looking at her, as if thinking that she was going off of the rails just a little bit, and that she needed to get brought back down to reality, and not go around, making this too strange for me. But despite the way she was looking, I could see that she was mostly meaning well.

"Yeah, maybe not so much the whole falling in love part, but I can see how such a thing can actually be kind of fun." I said, and then I was shaking my head, feeling like I already made a giant mistake by doing this. Maybe it was my fault, and not the others, that we never hung out after school. Because I was too scared to show them to my brothers, and make things worse.

"I mean, there surely must be at least one who is really nice to me and stuff?" She asked, totally innocently, and I was thinking that maybe there was some level of truth to that idea, and that the worst that would come out of this whole thing was just the strange connections at first. But that I would probably be over it soon enough. Since it really was not that big of a deal.

"Well, I mean, I guess there is nothing wrong with trying it out. I mean, there surely must be at least one who is going to be treating you nicely." I said, and then I was thinking about what I had said, and I was thinking about how much more she was going to be wanting from me. I was feeling like I was going to have to be patient with her. And that I was going to need to sort of bring her along through it all.

"Wait a second, isn't one of them that basketball star Jack? I think I've seen your guys last name, and now that I think about it, I think I seen you two around for a bit some times." Claire said, and I was so shocked to be hearing her call Jack of all people a star, when he was barely starting. But once I rebounded from the statement, I would answer her question the way that she was wanting from me now.

"Honestly, I think you might be over selling him a bit. I mean, he just started and all. But yes, he is the one who is trying to become the basketball star. So you are not entirely off, I guess." I was saying, thinking about what I had just said, and the fact that this was something that I was even needing to debate in the first place anyways. "We do hang out sometimes during school. Probably once every two weeks or something."

"Well, I mean, I could not even imagine what it would be like to be as good as him. Always going up there, and getting several shots, from what I have seen." She was telling me, and I was wondering what the heck she was going off from now. Not even the whole thing where she was calling him a star. Wondering how she was even seeing this stuff anyways. But before I could ask, she was almost clearing it up right away.

"You do realize that in the last several days, he has been going down and practicing down there? At the school gym. I am surprised that you have barely been down there, or being there with him when he does something like this." After Claire said that to me, I was sighing, thinking that she was partially right. After all, there was some level of truth to what she had been saying just now. And I was kind of annoyed with how aware she was.

"He has done it sometimes. But I barely go down there. I don't even know how often he does it. I bet that even if I did go down there, he would be annoyed with me being there, and he would try to get me away from the place. So I think that in a way, I might be doing him a favor." I said, and then I looked right at her, wondering what she would try to tell me there, if anything at all.

"Well, I think that maybe he might appreciate that somebody could be down there cheering him on every once in a while." She said, and I was feeling like maybe we needed to change the topic from my brothers. Or at least change it away from him specifically. Because if she did not stop, she would start to make me feel bad about this.

"Well, maybe if you wanted to see what it is like there, I can take you to the house. They might be a bit confused to see you though. Will probably try way too hard to get to know you." I said, and then I was just trying to make it seem funny. But she was almost looking like she was going to be fine with such a thing. I was feeling like maybe I was going to have to find a better way to be getting her off of this idea. But that until then, I might as well at least let her have a chance to go and check it out.

"That would be awesome. Then I can go on and talk to my parents about how awesome it is to go on and make some new friends. To make several of them all at once." She was saying, and then I was sighing, feeling like if this was going to be the way she would go at this, she might be having a easy time fitting in after all, and that maybe I was not giving her enough credit after all given the circumstance.

"Well, I think that something like this could indeed be rather interesting to go on and see." I said, and then I was feeling like I was going to be having a long way to go on this, and that the longer that I was entertaining this idea, the harder that it would be to fully live up to it, and then she would be let down when it did not live up to what she had wanted.

"Well, I want to go on and see if maybe they would be cool with maybe showing me some of the stuff that they might be interested in." Claire said, and then I was feeling like this was a much more feasible goal, and something that I felt like they might be more than willing to be doing with her, and I was feeling like maybe if she had said that from the start, then we could have been onto something a bit better here.

"Well, I think that maybe I can go on and try to get some of them to be more open to this idea. I feel like there certainly will be at least one who will be interested in something like this." I said, and the thing was that at that moment, I was meaning what I had bee saying. I was not even just saying that to make her feel better. I mean, if I was going to be going on to hang out with her, I was thinking that this idea needed to be coming out the best that it could.

"I think that what I can do is go on and see if they will be willing to go on and speak with you for a bit. I think that if you just go on and talk with them for a bit, and see what they are into, then I think that surely enough, they will start to be able to get a move on with accepting you as fast as possible." As I was saying this, I was seeing her looking like she was feeling like this was a plan that was going to be worth trying out at least. I was confused as to why she would care so much on something like this in the first place. When she had never met them in the first place.

I was just hoping deep down inside that the fact that many of them never interacted with a girl before besides me would be able to keep them feeling better. When they see Claire, they might be thinking that it was just too strange to really consider, and I was feeling like maybe if I could reach out to them a bit and let them know what is going on, they will be able to sort of at least pretend like they are going to be a normal set of people, to not go on and freak her out on the first impression, and make her take it all back before it even started.

"Well, the longer that we waste time here, the less likely that it will be that either one of us are going to see if something like this is going to work out in the first place." I said, and then I was telling myself that this was the worst idea of all time, and that I was needing to do something better to be making this whole thing work. And I was kind of just tired of all of the shit that was going on right now, and I was just wanting to sort of speed up the process of this titanium failure of an attempt.

...

-Dec 14 1993 5:25 pm- Once we were at my house, I was getting Claire to be a bit more open about herself, and not so obsessed with my brothers and everything. I mean, I had nothing with her talking about that stuff. But I had felt like we needed to go on and talk about something else. You know, to sort of spice up the dialogue, and not make it feel like we were just going to be going in circles, and not actually accomplishing anything at all.

"So what do you like to do when you are done with school on most days?" I remember that being the first question I asked, as I had felt like it would have been neutral enough to make her feel like she would have been able to answer at least sort of easily. She was shrugging, as if feeling like there was no real answer that she did have for that, and that maybe I needed to be a little bit more creative with the stuff that I was asking her.

"Well, I usually hang out with my neighbors. They are kind of nice. But I think that they are always busy. Always wanting something else than what they already have. I mean, I don't really blame them. The town itself is kind of boring to be honest." Claire told me, and while I did not want to say it, I was sort of seeing where she was coming from. There was a level of boredom that did come out of living here, and something that could make it easy to desire more.

"Do you think that they like you enough for what it is?" I asked her, wanting to keep up the conversation, and see if maybe there was going to be a turn that we could take with this whole thing. Just something that could make this whole thing seem like I was going to be able to sort of get to know what she was really feeling. Maybe if I could get to see what she was feeling more, we could make something come along with all of this.

"I think that them liking me, and being friends with me is not the problem. I just think that we all want more then what we got. You know, something to sort of make life more interesting. Make it seem like there is something to keep it going, and not be one of the slogs that we are just used to by this point in time." Claire said, and then I was feeling like I did not want to bring the subject back to my brothers again, but given the context, it was almost impossible not to.

"I don't think I could even dream of pretending like my life is boring. I mean, I think that lord has basically decided that this is not even going to be an option. I think the bigger thing is just making sure that I can be able to do something myself that I think could be rather interesting." I said, and then I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to be finding more to come out of this now.

"Yeah, I bet that this is how it is like. I mean, I think that maybe you should be grateful that your life can be as exciting as it is. I mean, if most people had the chance to make it work, then I think that they would love it." After Claire said that, while there was clear jealousy in her voice, I was hearing it be more subdued for once, as if she was reminding herself that maybe she did not get it because she was not in the life that I was in, and that if she was involved with it as well, she would be able to get it much more than she had wanted to admit now.

"I mean, I do like my life for what it is though. I can't really pretend like I don't." I said, and then I was looking at her, as if wondering what I would say now. I mean, I had nothing else to be saying. I had virtually made my point as it was, and now I was going to be sort of leaving the subject open, and just sort of in a blank period of space.

"Do you think that you might like to meet some of those people who live close to me? I mean, I think that it could be a lot of fun honestly. I think that it might be kind of hard to get used to it all at first, but I think that soon enough, you will see that it is not so bad." After Claire was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she had truly wanted me to just go along with it, and see what type of things were going to be offered at her place. I was thinking about it a bit longer, and realized that she was being nice about it at least, if for nothing else.

"Yeah, I guess that I might be willing to go on and give it a try." I said, and then I was feeling like this was going to be the best choice of my life. I was feeling like maybe by doing this, I can be able to show people that I could do more than just be a person about the brothers. I could be a person who is just simply about herself in my own way.

I mean, I know what it is like to always want to have some form of recognition, and I feel like my brothers want that instead of being viewed as carbon copies of each other. But I feel like I am just the girl with ten brothers, and that also does give people some form of impression of me as well. I feel like I need to have something that can show that there is a bit of a balance. I am somebody who does have some pride in having siblings, but I am also somebody who is myself in my own way.

I feel like when people see that there is some of both sides to it, and see that I do want that to be known, then I think that I will be much happier. I feel like I can be able to be much more the way that I feel like would be perfect. Something that I feel like truly captures the feeling of what it is like to go out there.

I know that what I am saying might not sound all that interesting to some people, and I bet that others would probably not really care all that much. But I think that as long as I am sort of just myself, and I know what I am sort of getting ready for, then I think that this is the path that I can properly take, and be able to truly make work in a perfect way.

"Well, what would it be like if I were to be meeting them? I would be very interested in getting to know them." After I was saying this, I was letting the ideas run through my head, and I was feeling like maybe I was needing to just find a way to make it seem like I am not letting the ideas of what I want to be doing get too far into my mind, if I do not even know what the overall game plan is going to be yet.

"I think that since we live about twenty minutes away from each other, when we try to hang out, we should either get our parents to get us there, or maybe we can find some form of a common ground meet up place about half way." Claire was saying, for once bringing the distance, which could have been a valid point, into discussion. And I was feeling like she was doing a good service by bringing that up, considering what we are going to be getting ourselves into.

But I had felt like if we worked hard enough, we could have been able to find something that could have helped us out with that issue, and that maybe we just needed to ask one of my brothers, preferably Todd since he can drive, to help us take care of this. But then I was shrugging it off, fearing that Claire would get a thing for him after only meeting once or twice due to how nice he was or something like that.

It would have been one thing to get a thing for him, but doing it so fast when they would barely know each other would have been the thing that I felt like was going to be the major issue in all of this in the long run. "Hey Claire, how do you think the people who live near you would be feeling about the idea of hanging out with me of all people? They might be finding the whole thing to be a bit odd, and might be wishing to find a way to get out of this." I said, thinking that the idea of my family might be a bit much for them to even remotely try and understand.

"I think that they will be cool with it in all honesty. I think that they might be a bit shocked at first. But I think that in due time, they will be cool with it all." After she had said that to me, I was seeing her looking like she was truly thinking that it was going to be fine, and that I needed to relax my mojo on this whole thing.

After she was looking at me like this, and she was giving me that look that was making me feel like she was probably fight, that was when I was sighing, feeling like maybe I just needed to sort of let her be taking the lead on this whole thing, and not be making a big ordeal out of it all.

"If you say so. I do not want to be getting in their business, and then have it be revealed that they just find me wildly annoying or something like that." I was saying, feeling like such a thing was indeed possible, given the fact that I had so many brothers, which might taint the way I present myself to girls and stuff. They might be seeing the side of me that would be considered totally normal to the house, but strange and wrong to a public setting.

I was feeling like maybe I was needing to just be ready for whatever was about to be heading up. But I was wanting so badly to fit in. Fitting in was the only thing that I had truly wanted more than anything else. It was the only thing I had felt like truly mattered, and the only thing that could keep me sort of feeling like I knew what was going to be going on all around me and stuff.

Besides, I had a strange feeling that they were going to be wishing to find something to do to make it all seem like it was going to be fine and normal. I wanted to make people see that I could be able to handle myself, and be fine while doing just that. But in a way, I was feeling like maybe getting some advice from some of my older brothers might not be so bad after all. They might be able to have some good pointers that I will need to at least consider before just brushing them off as nothing more than just a mere annoyance.

As I was feeling like that, I was sort of just reminding myself of something else. What I would be doing with all of my new perceptions of things around me. What I was going to have to be doing with what I actually got. I mean, when I see the people around me already being best friends with people, and just sort of looking like they were on top of the world, even if I hated to admit it, but I was thoroughly jealous. I was wanting so bad for it to be me who would be getting something going now.

But who knows. Maybe I was just looking too deeply into it to make it something healthy. I was thinking that something like this was rather possible. The fact that I was thinking about how something could work. But I did not really know what I was going to be doing to actually fully make something like this actually work.

And as a result, when I was going around, and making all of this shit up as I was going, and sort of just seeing what stuck and what did not, then I feel like maybe that was the one bad way I could have been going at it. The one way that was just simply too wrong to actually make work.

"Sorry for dozing off there for a moment. I was thinking about something was all." I said, and then I looked right at Claire, who seemed to barely even know what I was telling her about. She clearly did not think too much into the whole thing, and was probably thinking about something herself as well. She was smiling when she had looked at me, and I was feeling like I made the right choice in getting to know her for a bit.

"I think that if you really want to go on and try to meet them, we can go to where I live tomorrow, and maybe we can talk to them for a bit. I think they will truly love it." After she was telling me that, I saw a look of sincerity in her eyes. As if feeling like this was the one thing that I needed to be taking her word on. As she was looking at me like this, I sighed, feeling like maybe she would have been onto something here after all.

"I will talk to my parents about it, and see how it goes. I would love to do something something like that. I want to go out there, and really get to know some people, and see if they are going to be good friends and stuff." I was saying, and then I was looking right at her, and I was wondering what she would be saying to that right now. If she had anything that she was going to be saying. Or if she was mind dozing off again.

"You let your mind drift around a lot." I said, trying to find something else that we could briefly bring our focus to. As I was saying that to her, I was seeing her mildly blush at that. I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to see what I was going to be feeling right now, to sort of clarify what I was meaning right now.

"I mean, it is not much of my business. But I think that it is kind of funny every time when I talk to you about something, you start to think on something else. Not that I am any good on it either." I said, thinking about when I had done that exact same thing during this very meet up. I was thinking that maybe she needed to be given a bit of a break, and that I needed to relax with teasing her just a bit more than I already had been here.

"Yeah, I just like to think about various things. Makes me feel like I am so smart when I do that." She said, smiling at that a bit, and I was feeling like I could leave her alone on it for the time being. Feeling like when I was going to be seeing her just acting all nice about it, and not even trying to make a issue on any of it, I was sighing, feeling like I needed to be giving her a break on this whole thing after all.

...

-Dec 16 1993 1:05 am- I was going to be trying to get this whole thing over with. I mean, I was wanting to go on and hang out with Claire. Not hanging out with Claire was going to be the worst part about this whole thing, since I was wanting it to happen so badly. It was so much fun when we were going to be able to mess around, and sort of just be able to mess around, and do our own thing. I was just thinking that I needed to come up with a better answer here.

I was wanting to just go over to her house, and then get to know that entire family, and then everything could be done, and then everything could be fine and dandy for the long run. But I guess that virtually none of this even really mattered anymore. But when I was thinking about all the possible routes, I was needing to just find a way to make it work out. I was just interested in knowing what Claire was like, and then I would be able to make this the best friendship of all time.

I was looking at the twins, and when I was seeing them looking happy while they were asleep, I was finally feeling like I was going to be able to sort of have a clue on what the hell was even going to be happening now. I just needed to truly see what my twins were dreaming about on a normal basis. Well, my twin siblings. I only just now realized how strange the wording of that really was. But then again, I was sighing, thinking about what was going on now.

I wanted to make sure that they were going to keep their innocence and happiness as long as humanly possible. I was feeling like this was the only thing that was going to be going in my favor. I was just trying to be knowing what the hell was happening, and I was needing to be speaking to them the first chance that I had here. I was then rubbing my eyes, thinking that I needed to go back to the whole Claire thing.

I was then standing up, and leaving our room. I mean, I was going to just want to try and see how Claire was doing, and then sneak back in when school was about to start again. I was thinking that as long as they were aware that this was a one time thing, I will be able to get away with it. I mean, my older siblings did this all the damn time, and I was feeling like maybe when I was going to use that as a excuse, my parents were going to just be all fine and let me off with a warning here.

I was also thinking about how getting my own room some time would be nice. I mean, I did not mind having them around, and they were cute, and I was going to be cool with seeing the cuteness of the twins Dylan and Drake every night. But I was certainly feeling like maybe it was time for me to be going on and doing my own thing, and just be letting me have my own room for once in my life. I knew that when Todd and Gabe moved out, they planned on letting the twins get that room. So I just needing to wait a couple of years before putting this behind us.

I was feeling like this was the one thing that I needed. I was feeling like it would only be another few more months, and I would need to take advantage of not only the fact that this would happen, but the fact that there was only a small amount of time left, and I was not going to be letting this sort of just reject them as a result. I would be nice to them during the time being.

As I was thinking about the fact that this was going to be happening soon enough, and I was thinking about what was about to be going down, I was then seeing that they were moving around, and I was just going to have to find a way to not be too loud for them, and if they talked with me, I would talk with them for a bit, and everything was going to be alright, and I was going to be happier with them in my own way.

I was feeling like maybe when I saw them again, I was going to be doing just fine. I was going to speak to them, and get to know them as much as I could, and that was all that I had needed to do. I was feeling like their happiness was the only thing that mattered. I wanted them to feel a different set of emotions that I had felt at that age. From what little of those emotions I do remember back in the day.

I mean, the stuff I remember at that age was just being confused at all of the seriousness that my parents were showing at the time. The fact that they looked scared out of their mind at some point in time, and that I was just needing to know what was causing that fear. That fear was the only thing that I had felt like I just needed to truly know as well as possible. And when I would know that fear, I would be able to start to connect with them two of them more than they probably thought I could be willing to.

I was then thinking about what I would want for my night time snack when I was getting up there. It was a usual nightly routine that I had in the middle of the night. To just grab a quick thing to eat, and then have it when I was on my own, and then be happier with this stuff. I was feeling like this was all that I had needed. I just needed to make this work, and make it work better for us all. I was wanting to not starve at the very least.

Once I was up the stairs, I was looking at the time and saw that I was doing this much earlier than I usually had, and smiled, thinking that maybe I was improving my time management here. I was feeling like I was going to be fine, and that I was just going to be going down soon enough, and then it would be like it had never happened in the first place. Then we could just brush this off as being something normal and silly.

I was then getting to the fridge, and I was then looking around and seeing that none of my other siblings around, and I was thinking that maybe I could go on and get out of the house, and head on over to where Claire had lived, and then we would be able to hang out for a bit. I mean, I knew that this was probably a bad idea. But in a way, I was not caring. I was wanting to do this no matter what, and I was feeling like doing this was going to change how I was going to be looking at all of this in the long run.

Eventually, as I was thinking about what had been going on, I was going to just get this over with. I mean, the worts that could come out of this attempt was just that I was going to be feeling a bit strange, and that it was going to take some time to get used to, and then I was going to be getting it over with. And then I was going to be able to show my parents that I knew what I was doing, and that they did not need to worry about me.

I was going to be on top of the world, and it was going to all be worth it at the end of the day. I was smiling at the mere prospect of this. And even if it did not work tonight, I would totally do it the first night that I knew that I was going to be getting some genuine peace and quiet, and that I was not going to be worried about whatever was going on at this house. I was feeling like this was all that I needed. Was just a couple of hours of peace and quiet, and then when I had it, the whole thing would be done with once and for all, and then I could feel better about it all.

...

-Dec 16 1993 6:00 pm- So I was hanging out with Claire that day, and I was happy to be knowing that she was doing alright. I wished that I was going to be able to find a way to make this whole thing seem to be lasting longer than ever. "Hey Claire, so when do you plan on going out and showing me all of those friends of yours?" I asked, and I was hoping that she was not turning her back on me at the last second. Or if maybe she was just trying to be seeing how something like this would work first.

"I could do it today, if you really care about something like this. I mean, I don't know how easy it will be for you to go on and get them to enjoy hanging out with you or anything like that. But I mean, I have nothing wrong with showing you around." She said, and I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to be saying more. But she had no real clue what else to be telling me now.

"That would be so much fun. I think that you are probably just too worried about these people honestly. I mean, what can be so bad about getting them to go on and hang out with us?" I was asking, feeling like the whole idea was going to be nice and fun. I was just wanting to make her feel like she was not needing to worry about me or anything like that. That maybe she was just wanting to go on and just see what it would be like to hang out more.

I was feeling like maybe she deserved a bit more until then though. I was standing up, and then I looked at her, and I was wondering what we were going to be talking about now. "Hey Claire, do you think that you have anything going on for Winter Break? I mean, that is going to be coming up real soon." I said, and then I was feeling like that was the best part of the year already. Finally having a moment to rest.

She was looking like she was not too sure what to be saying right now. I was seeing that she was wanting to have something planned, but that with no foresight, it was going to be a relatively pointless endeavor to really go on try to come up with plans. "I think that I might go on some form of weekend trip. But that is only going to be for a few days, and the break is over two weeks long, and I think that I could not be able to help you have any idea what to do after that." After Claire said that to me, I was seeing her looking like she wanted to hang out once or twice, but had no idea if I was ever free or not.

"I mean, I think that there can probably be a couple of days we meet up, if that is what you were hinting at. I think that all I will have to do is just talk with my parents and maybe there can be a sleep over or something like that." She sounded like she would genuinely want something like that to happen, and I was feeling like maybe we were going to finally have a nice and fun time, and that I was going to be able to get a moment away from my brothers.

Even though they were so ingrained in my life that even if I was able to go a few minutes without thinking on them, they were pretty much going to always sneak their way back in, and then I was going to just have to find something to say to keep them feeling like I was never really brushing them off at all. But I was feeling like I was in love with the whole sleep over idea. "I can just tell my parents about it, and they will probably be all cool with it. I just wish that I knew how we could sort of get something ready." I said, and then I was feeling like that was the only thing that was going to throw away the idea of such a thing happening.

"I bet that our parents could be able to just talk with one another about it all. I am sure my parents will understand if you were to suggest that you might need to take a break from your brothers or something. You know, to sort of just be fine without dealing with them." After she was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she had been sort of feeling like she knew where I was coming from at the moment.

"You know, I have nothing against them or anything. I am just worried that they are going to always want to do something with me, and I will never get a moment to relax. I mean, especially with the younger ones, since they are always barely having anything else to do." I said, and I did feel sort of bad for them. But that did not change how much it was going to be rough to go through all of this anyways.

"I think that your parents will understand. Besides, I think that they are going to have a great time knowing that you have some friends." Claire said, and she was clearly thinking about what it was going to be like if we hung out with those people around the town. I was feeling like maybe once were able to just go on and see what they were like, then we could finally just sort of put it to the test. But just sitting around, doing nothing right now made me feel so insecure in every way possible.

"Yeah, I bet you're right. Let's just go out and see what they are like now. You know, your friends." I said, not wanting to hold it in any longer, and wanting to just see what was going on, and see if maybe I could be able to really connect with these people. That was the only thing that really mattered to me at that moment. I just wanted to see if we could connect in anyway.

I mean, as fun as it might be to hang with Claire, I did not want to be dealing with only her. There was going to be a certain amount of sadness if she turned out to be the only person I ever hung out with. I mean, I would feel like I would need to go on and actually just do something else with my time. I was then feeling like that was the only thing that mattered all that much at the end of the day. Just getting Claire and her friends to go on and actually like hanging in a way.

We then left the house, and then once we were outside, I was looking at Claire, and despite how much I was wanting her to be hanging out with me and those other people, I felt like I needed to just be sure what I was going to get myself into, and I was scared that this whole hang out was going to just be a bit of a waste of time, as much as I hated to admit it. So I was feeling like this question would get me in the loop.

"Do you think that they might like to go and see me? I mean, I know that they might be finding the whole thing with my brothers a bit much, and they might not be super into something like that. But I don't know what they were really want to say to me if they feel like they are just not wanting to see me." I said, and then Claire was looking right at me, and she was looking like she needed to have me to just fucking relax, and realize that I was taking this whole thing way too seriously.

"Lydia, you are taking this way too seriously." Claire said, and then my mind was sort of laughing at that, thinking that maybe I could have seen that one coming from a mile away. "Just go on and talk with them. You will realize that they are not going to be that annoyed with you. Just don't talk about your brothers every second at first. Once you know them for a bit, I think that it might be a bit easier to do something like that though." She told me, and then I was looking right at her, feeling like maybe that was going to be fine enough. And that I just needed to sort of take her word for it.

Once we were walking down to the other houses on the block, that was when a silly question was running through my mind at that moment. Something that I had felt like maybe would have been seen as a bit of a time waster, but I felt like I was genuinely needing to know what she was thinking on the idea here. "So when do you think that I will finally be able to talk with them about my brothers and stuff? I mean, they are a huge part of my life." I was saying, wondering what she was feeling on the whole ordeal, or if she was thinking too much on it.

"Probably after the first couple of times that you see them. You know, once you feel like you actually know them a bit. I think that they will find it off at first, but they will be over it soon enough." After she was saying this to me, I was then thinking about it a bit longer, and I was feeling like I was just thinking about what it was going to be like to ever try and get popular. Not just popular, but without the connections of the family.

I was just wondering if such a thing was ever going to be possible. "I think that I will just have to let them know about it eventually. I mean, most of the school already knows about it. So maybe I do not need to be too bothered by it." I was saying, and then I was thinking about what it would be like if most of the school already had an idea on what it was like. Or if anybody really cared. You know, beyond simple shock when they first find out the truth.

"Yeah, you're right. They probably already know, and you are just looking into this too deeply. I doubt that anybody really cares. I bet even the teachers don't care if there is a large family. They are probably just wondering when it will end." After she was saying that to me, I was seeing her looking like she had been thinking about that for a moment. Thinking about my life with my siblings, and how much the teachers were probably over it by now.

"Maybe I just always take after them when I look into things too deeply. And also thinking about how deep my connections can go here." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was wondering if she had any way of knowing how I was feeling, and if she was going to be able to speak out to make a difference in my perception of this.

"Well, here we are right now." Claire said, and then she was smiling for a moment, and she was clearly thinking about how exciting it would be to just get to have her hang out with us, and sort of have a true expansion to the friend group, rather than just a extra person she sees, but nobody else cares about he. We waited for another couple of seconds before the door opened to see us.

Eventually, the door answered, and when I was waiting for a few seconds, I was letting my worries get to me. I was feeling like I just needed to sort of see what was about to happen now. I was seeing that there was a red hair girl who was standing in front of us. She was shorter than both of us, but I could tell that she was around our age. "This is Lily. She has been living here for about as long as I can remember. This is Lydia." Claire did the simple introductions, to get right to the point here.

"I thought it would be a lot of fun to maybe hang out for a bit, and see how things are going." After Claire was telling us this, I was seeing her looking like she was keeping her cool, and that she was clearly feeling like she was doing a decent job with what she was doing. I was seeing Lily looking at me, and giving me a skeptical look. I knew that this was going to be a bit rough now, and that I was right about everything I had assumed earlier.

I mean, after just a couple of seconds, I was already losing all of my hope, and I was already feeling like I just needed to go on and get this over with. "Well, I heard about you from Claire. She was telling me that you were really nice in the first times you guys talked with each other." After she was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to give this a chance at the very least. As she was looking at me like this, I was feeling like I needed to give it a go.

"That's nice to hear. I did not know that she was already talking about me behind my back." I said, and I knew afterwards like right away how bad that sounded. But I did not in any way mean it to sound like that. I was just feeling like I was needing to sort of find a better way to be discussing this right now, to sort of rebound after what had just been said.

"I mean, I just thought that she would have waited until we hung out longer was all. But I think that it's cool you already know so much about me." I said, and I was unsure how true the 'so much' part was, but I did not really care all that much. I just wanted to be able to make it look like I was going to easily get in the swing of it all. And she was looking like she was sort of willing to kind of see where this was all going to be going now.

"Hey, so what do you guys like to do when you meet up?" Lily asked me, already getting in the mind set of hanging around, and just having a good time. I was feeling like this was a good idea, and that she was just sort of willing to be making the most of it with what we were having, and that I was just needing to sort of take the moment, and not be holding back at all.

"Usually we just have been talking for a while, and not really doing much. But if you were wanting to go on and do something else, or show us some places, I think we would be alright with that." I said, and I was feeling like I was probably being a bit rude for not asking Claire what she was thinking on this. But I doubted that she really cared all that much. And if she was going to be annoyed with this, I would apologize for that, and then we can find a way to be making things better for us all. And sort of more back to normal and all that.

But I was really wanting to go on and see what this was going to be like. As I was seeing her looking at me, and sort of looking like she was considering the options, she was shrugging. As if feeling like there was no real reason to not be checking anything out. "Cool, I was wondering if you were going to be up for it. I think that you guys should go on and check out some places that I usually like to go and stay out at when I am hanging around." Lily was saying, and she was trying her best to be sounding alright with it all, but I think we were all sort of wondering how well this was going to be working out in the end of it all.

But I was feeling like with this new chance that I was having, that I just needed to go on and see how far this was going to be able to actually go on for. So as I was wondering that, we were heading along, and we were waiting around as she was placing on her shoe, and I was taking a long and deep breath, considering what we were sort of just getting ourselves into, and how this would turn out if it was all a bad idea.

Once she was out of the house, I was seeing her sort of looking like she was wanting to see what we were all feeling right now. "So I know that you guys probably have not gone around and done stuff like this yet, but I think that maybe we can go on and check a few places out. As long as we get home before its too late. Besides, Winter Break is going to start soon, so they will be cool with it deep down." After Lily was saying that so easily, I was feeling she must have been right.

"So what places are you suggesting that we go and check out?" I asked, clearly unsure of what to be feeling right now. The whole thing just seemed like a cool idea but also a terrible idea at the same time. I wished that I was going to have some way to know what I was getting ready for. Lily was looking at Claire and I, as if thinking that maybe there was something almost funny about the way that we were taking this whole thing.

"I think can't tell you yet. If I tell you, then you will be telling me that we should not be doing it, and then all the fun will be ruined." After she was telling us that, she was looking at us, as if wondering if we were going to try and dispute these claims. I had no idea what we were going to be getting ourselves into, and I was feeling like maybe I needed to check all of my options here before I said anything too bad.

"Alright, I'll take your word for it." Claire said, clearly either aware of what was going on, or was just simply much more forgiving for such insane ideas than I was. Even though I was the one with the large family, I was feeling like I needed some level of safety net. I mean, the idea of knowing that there was a chance that we were going to be getting ourselves in trouble over something like this just did not seem worth it at the end.

"See, all we just got to do is make it all work out." Lily said, and we were walking along, and then I was feeling like maybe I was sort of needing to talk to my siblings about doing something like this in the future. I mean, I had no real reason to believe that this was not going to work, but I just truly had no idea what the heck we were really even doing. I was thinking that maybe my siblings would almost be proud of me, and that if they knew what I was doing, they would support me in their own strange way.

I was almost feeling like I was on the right path right now. I was feeling like maybe I was just going to finally get all that I had wanted, and that maybe I just needed to be taking what I can out of this. Besides, I was feeling like maybe some of my brothers might be cool with these girls. I knew that Jack was at least looking to tolerate them from the little bit that he was seeing Claire so far, so I was feeling like this was a good starting point. It was just a matter of getting them to sort of be able to trust Lily, and I would be totally set now.

...

-Dec 16 1993 11:00 pm- When we were done walking, I was seeing Lily looking right at us, and we were standing right below something like a tree house. She was looking like this was the most exciting thing that she would have been able to show us. "I was hoping that you guys would have been interested in going on to check out what this is." After she was saying this to us, I was seeing her looking like she had wanted to say more, but did not dare spoil it.

As I was looking at this, and then realizing that whatever this girl had been looking at, was going to be interesting enough to go on and check it out at least once. Then I was nodding, feeling like I just needed to at least give this a chance to go on and at least check this out. "I don't know about Claire, but I think that something like this can be a lot of fun." After I was saying this to them, and then both Claire and Lily nodded to this.

We were then going up the ladder to go on and be inside of the tree house. I had no idea what the heck we were going to be doing. I was feeling like when we were inside of the tree house, maybe we could find something to discuss to make this whole thing seem at least sort of more interesting. "So, what made you learn about this in the first place?" I asked, feeling like maybe one of my brothers mentioned this before.

The thing is that I did not really remember if they had told me this or not. I could have sworn that they were telling me this stuff, and that I had just sort of forgotten all about it. Then I was seeing them both looking like they were wondering if I was just distracted over something, and if I was going to be focusing on the bigger picture at that moment. "One of my friends, Rosa, who also lives near us, showed me this place, and she said it was really interesting." After she had said that to me, I was looking at Lily, hoping that I knew what to say now.

"I feel like I surely must have heard about something like this before. I just can't remember for the life of me if I had or not." I said shrugging, telling myself to just not focus on this, and I was feeling like as long as I was focusing on this, I was never going to be doing anything at all. I was then just trying to find something to do to make it at least not be looking super awful or anything like that. But I was seeing that Lily just was wanting to know as much as possible.

"Well, even if you have or not, I can guarantee that most of the people in our school have not. Every time I even bring up a tree house, people just sort of laugh at me, and act like I am just making something up. Which shows me that this is still special." After she was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking like this was a good spot to be at. Having something that can make us feel like we have a special little secret.

"Why is there a bed in here? I mean, I think that this is the most interesting part in the whole house." After Claire was saying that to me, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to be saying more. But she was just finding it kind of gross. Since there was a certain amount of a yellow tint to this bed, and I was even a little bit too grossed out to admit what I had thought that it was.

I was thinking that the main thing that kind of gave away this being what I had feared it was had been the smell of it. I heard the smell sometimes in my house. I had no idea what the smell was. I did not care what the smell was. The smell was just something that I knew, and I was feeling like maybe I just needed to try and change the subject, before it as getting a bit too gross for any of us to even consider here.

"Well, whatever the reason is, I think that maybe we just need to not be thinking too much on it." I said, and then I was sitting down, and then I was looking at both Lily and Claire, wondering what the heck I was going to be able to discuss to be able to keep this whole conversation up. To make it not feel like we had been putting this whole thing off much too long and sort of losing interest in what was going on.

"How many people do you know that have come up here? Personally, not a single one." After Claire was saying to me, and I was feeling like this was a relatively similar thing that I had been feeling. I was feeling like there must have been something that I was missing out on. A story that Todd or Gabe, I think Todd now that I think on it, told me last year, and he was just trying to be simple enough on it. But the way that he was describing it was a bit different.

"I think that at least my oldest brother was here at one point. I mean, I feel like once a year or so ago, he was telling me about being here and he was telling me that when he was here, it was the scariest thing that he had ever dealt with. I mean, I never really got why he was saying this. But I knew that when he was saying this, I knew that he was not really messing around. And I knew that I just needed to be taking him seriously." I said, and then I was annoyed for bringing up my brothers. I had wished to be bringing it up differently.

"Maybe he was here, and then the police found him, and then decided to get him in trouble." After Lily said that, I knew that she was trying to be funny, but when I was actually thinking about it, I had no idea if something like this was even remotely true. I was feeling like maybe when I was needing to actually strongly think it all out, I had no idea what the heck was even going on at this point in time.

"I mean, sure something like that could happen. But honestly, I just don't think that this is the case. He sounded like it was much more serious than just that." I said, and then I was feeling like maybe I was going to have to be finding something better to do, and I was wanting to tell her more, but I just had no real clue what was going on. "I mean, when I was talking to him, he was really looking like he had been going through a lot."

"I wish that I knew what the heck I could tell you. I think that if you want to know what he was dealing with, maybe you can annoy him into telling you something." After Lily was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was finding it funny to be saying this. I did not know if it was funny per se, but I was able to appreciate her attempts to be trying to make the whole thing not really seem all that bad anyways.

"Yeah, it might not be all that big of a deal. He is not making a deal out of it, and that is reason enough to not be trying to know what to tell him." I said, and then I was wishing to be finding something better to be talking about. Then I was feeling anxious to change the subject, and I was looking right at Claire, as if hoping that she had something to be saying to me to save me from this whole thing. To make it better for us.

"Do you think that you are going to let anybody else know about this tree house? Do you think that we might be coming here with that Rosa girl at our side?" I asked, trying to be finding something to make the subject more interesting to us. I was feeling like I just needed to find something else to say to keep the whole thing going along much better for us all.

"I think that it would be cool to know what exactly is here. I mean, we are in the coolest place in town. It would seem like a mistake to not go and check it out." After Claire was saying that to me, she was looking right at me, trying to be finding something else to say, and she was clearly looking like she was hoping to see what I would be saying now. I was hoping to find out what she was wanting to be telling us, and if she had any big ideas here.

"I think that you will meet her some day, and then when you do this, you will see what she even likes. If she even wants to see what you are into." After Lily said that to me, she was sitting down, and was looking like she was wanting to be saying something else about this subject, but was looking right at us and decided that she was going to be asking us about something much more innocent than what she was desiring to ask us on.

"What made you guys start to hang out in the first place?" After Lily was asking us this, I was wanting to know what the heck we were going to say. I mean, there was no real story, and I had just felt like we were going to have to let her down real bad if she was planning on hearing some big tale or something. But Claire was taking care of this for me, and I was glad that she was willing to take the bullet for me.

"I approached Lydia. I thought that she would have been cool to hang out with, and I decided to just see what it would have been like." After Claire had said that, I was seeing her shrug at me, and then she was feeling like she was sort of really happy to see that we were hanging out, and not making some form of a big issue on this whole thing. But then after this, I was seeing her wanting to be seeing if I was going to be trying to say something else here.

"Yeah, I have no idea why she was thinking that I would be such a blast. But to be honest, I was wanting a friend for myself, and I am glad that she decided to give me a chance." I said, and then I was smiling at this whole thing, and I was feeling glad to have somebody who was willing to go on and see me that wasn't just one of my brothers, and as a result, being somebody who probably felt like was forced into this.

"I think that I was just going to be sort of having to deal with the idea of not having any friends all year. You know, being known as that one crazy girl with a ton of siblings, and nobody ever going on to see me as anything more than that." I said, and then I was thinking about what I had just said. I did not know if what I was saying sucked, or if it was something I was sort of cool with right now, given the circumstances.

"I think that maybe we should try and go on and see all the cool spots in town during Winter Break." I said, and then I was looking right at the two of them, feeling like I was going to try and make this plan seem like it was the best that I was able to get out of it. Then I was feeling like I just needed to know if they were really even wanting to go along with such a plan, or just leave it all alone now, and talk on something else.

"Well, I think that if you want to go on and see what the town has to offer, then I think that you will be rather disappointed. There are not really all that many exciting spots to be honest. A few kind of cool areas, but nothing more than that." After Lily was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was kind of let down by admitting something like that, but she was also feeling glad to know that she was being real with me for the most part.

"I wish that what you were saying wasn't true. But I think that if there was something cool here, I would have heard about it by now." I said, and then I was shrugging, feeling like I just needed to find something better to say now. To sort of have an answer on what I was feeling right now. But I was feeling like if I had tried to find more to say, I was going to be getting to the subject of my brothers again, and I wanted to at least try and avoid that.

"It probably doesn't really matter all that much. They are probably just hiding something from you to make sure that you do not go and run off with what is happening." After Claire was telling me this, I was sort of feeling like I just needed to find something else to make this whole thing a bit better for us. I was wanting to be thinking about what my siblings had been feeling right.

"I bet you're possibly right. I just wish that I knew what I can do for Winter Break. There is nothing here, at the house, that I haven't done a million times, and I feel like after a while, the whole thing about being there is that it is sort of a one trick pony." I said, and then I was thinking about what I had said, and what I was going to be getting out of it if I knew anybody in my family who would know of this now. I was thinking that if they heard this, they would be really mad at me, and act like I had betrayed them, even though I was just sort of telling the truth. But I was not going to admit it out loud since they were still nice.

...

-Dec 17 1993 7:55 pm- I was with my friends, and I was sort of unsure of what the heck was going on with me. I was feeling like maybe when I would be showing Claire my brothers, she might be thinking of it as a bit much, but considering the fact that she was hanging out with me sometimes now, the fact was that she needed to go on and meet them sooner or later. And that with this in mind, I was feeling like maybe I was going to be able to get her to actually like them all aside from just Jack.

"Hey Lydia, do you think that they might actually want to be hanging out with us? I think that something like this might be a bit strange." After she was saying that to me, I was seeing her looking like she was worried about the fact that we were hanging out like this with each other. I was really wanting to make Claire understand that this was not going to be all that big of a deal. My brothers were going to love her.

I was feeling like I just needed to sort of find something else to say to make the whole situation seem a bit different from us. "Trust me when I say that they will be more excited about seeing you, and getting to know you, than just having nothing." I said, and then I was feeling like I was needing to find some way to get Claire to be seeing that I was not really messing around. I was wanting to make her feel like she and I were going to sort of at least be sort of happier with the fact that I had a girl in my life now.

"Do you think that Jack has been working on the team trials?" Claire asked, and I was unsure when those trials were going to be and I was having even less idea on if he was going to be getting on the team. When that was something that I was thinking about, I was feeling like maybe I was going to have to find a way to make Claire sort of feel like the idea of Jack making it onto the team was more of a certainty than anything else. Considering how seriously she was taking it all and stuff.

"I think that if he was going to be the team, he would have been making a huge deal out of it. I think that the fact that he has not been going on and telling everybody about it shows that either he did not make the team, or the trials have not happened." I said, and then I was seeing Claire looking at me, as if excited as hell about the idea on what the hell we were going to be doing. I was then sighing, thinking about how nice it would be to do this all.

Eventually, before we were able to be thinking about it all that much, this was when there was one of our siblings going by. I was seeing that it was Todd, and I was seeing that he was just looking so much better about what we were doing. I was feeling like I just needed to sort of see what the hell Claire was feeling. I was seeing her looking like she had no real opinion on what Todd was looking like. Thinking that he was relatively attractive.

"Hey Todd, how are you?" I asked, and then I was seeing him taking the moment to realize that Claire was here, and he was looking like he had a lot to be thinking here. But at the same time, he did not want to be saying anything that could have made him look like a total idiot. You know, probably not wanting to mention the fact that Claire was black. The thing was that he wasn't really a racist, but with so few non white people who ever come into the house, I was not going to blame him for needing to take a second to get used to it.

"I am doing alright. Just dealing with a bunch of bullshit with the video store. Nothing that would interest you though. At least Bebe and I are thinking about what we are going to be doing this week end." Then after he was done with that, I was seeing him looking right at Claire, and he was feeling like he would take at least some time to address the guest of the house right now. "So how long have you been hanging with my sister?"

"Just a few days. Nothing too big of a deal. I was just curious on what all of you guys were like?" After Claire had asked Todd this question, I was seeing him looking like he was sort of needing to find something else to be doing to make himself feel better with this. "Who is Bebe?" Claire asked, and I was hearing more just sheer curiosity in her voice rather than anything like jealousy. She was never going to be jealous of a bloke like Todd, at least I thought.

"She is my girlfriend. She really is the nicest girl that I have ever met. She and I have been doing so many cool things with each other." After Todd was asking me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more. But he was just feeling like he had bothered with this, I was going to just be seeing him wanting to know what Claire was going to care over something like this in the first place. "I mean, we have not been seeing each other long, but in the time that we have seen each other, it has been so much more worth it."

Considering how much of a improved mood he had been in over the last several weeks to month or so, I knew that he was telling the truth, and I knew that this was totally going to be one of the best things that had happened in his entire life. I had felt like maybe I just needed to sort of see what the heck was going on to change the perception I had.

"What do you guys do on a normal basis?" Claire asked Todd this question, and then she was looking at him, and she was wanting to see if maybe she was going to be able to guage what she was needing to treat people like when she was dating them from the way he was talking. Maybe she was going to be able to learn the most important way that we were going to work on this whole thing. Todd was rubbing his eyes, as if unsure of what to feel now.

I knew that he was personally seeing zero point in having this discussion with her, as he had barely known her. "Well, the thing is that we often times just go on dates like to dinner, and a movie and stuff. Nothing too serious. We just like to be doing stuff that sort of makes us feel like we are able to have a nice and good break from everything that is going on here." After Todd was saying that, he was shrugging but did not stop when he was doing that.

"I mean, when you are an adult, you will perfectly get why this is the way that we like to approach things. We just often do a bunch of different things with our lives every day with work and school and family and other random things, that just sitting down and having some time to relax, and hang out, is totally nice, and one of the things that we truly need more than anything." After Todd had said that to Claire, he was looking right at her, wondering what she was wanting to tell him now.

"I want to sometimes just go on and relax again, and not have to deal with the stuff that has to be dealt with on stuff like jobs and responsibility. Take advantage of something like this while you have the time. Take the time to just enjoy your life, and not be dealing with anything worse than school." After he had said that to us, I was feeling like the idea of dealing with something worse than school was just a bit strange, and almost impossible to accomplish.

"Do you enjoy working at the video store?" I asked, and I was sort of knowing what the answer was going to be. That being said, I was feeling like I could be able to start to get to know what he was feeling, and I was going to sort of know what the heck was bothering him. I felt like it was the best that I was going to be able to do to make him feel so much better on this whole thing, since I would give him a chance to talk.

"I don't like it. This whole thing is just one of the biggest wastes of time that I can be able to go through. I mean, every single time that I talk with people who act like they know how to be helping me out, or getting me through this, I feel like they are just sort of unable to help me out. I think that this job is just draining. I mean, I literally get called in at all hours of the day." Todd said, and I slowly nodded, as if feeling like I had known full well what he was describing here.

I was feeling like maybe he was going to have to be looking into something better if this bothered him so damn much. "I mean, I wanted to talk with my bosses on this, and try to get him to sort of see how insane this might be. But he never fucking listens to me. He always just places me on the hours that he likes, and that is all that I can do about it." After he was saying that to me, I was wanting to be saying more. But had no idea what to tell him here.

"I know that I am honestly just kind of tired of having things be done like this. But I guess that nothing else is going to matter. I mean, I got the job, and I am forced to just be working like this, and that is all that I can fucking do. It is the only thing that matters." After Todd said that to us, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be saying more. But he was sort of just not wanting to deal with this conversation anymore. That he had expressed himself enough.

"But I mean, I have talked with Bebe what it is like to have hours like these, and sort of all over the place. She knows what it is like, and she has told me that these things can be a bit annoying. She has told me that you just got to get over it. Not in a way of her trying to make me feel bad. But in the way that there is nothing that you can do about annoying bosses." Todd said, and then I was wondering what was so bad about Bebe's work.

"What do you think that Bebe has to deal with? I mean, she sounds like she probably does not have to deal with as much of an inflexible schedule as you do. But you seem to be thinking that she understands it all." I said, and then I was seeing Todd looking like he was clearly just unsure of how to be feeling here. I was wanting to find something else to say. But it was just going to be sort of failing to really catch him.

"I think that she just has to deal with the issues of dealing with her bosses always having a bunch of random shifts set up for her, and basically never give her a chance to relax. They never give her some time to be taking a moment, and she told me that she can't even really remember the last time that she had a day off or anything like that." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him clearly looking bad for her, and I was feeling like I just needed to try and get him to feel like this was not all that big of a deal. That he was going to be able to be there for her in a way.

"I mean, I can't even think about how something like this must be. To never have so much as a moment to just be there, and be happy for the people who are around them. I think that she would be in love with the idea of just having some form of joy in the idea of being with her family. At least I get to talk with you guys and stuff." When he was done with this, I was looking at him, as if feeling like maybe I just needed to find something else to say to make him feel better.

"Anyways, how are you guys doing? I am not really all that interested in talking about Bebe honestly. I am more interested in getting to know how you guys are doing, and finally just making it all work." After Todd was saying that to me, I was then seeing that Claire was looking like she was able to appreciate the fact that he was at least approaching the idea of getting to see how we were doing, and that this was all that I knew was going to make her feel differently.

"Honestly, we are just sort of dealing with school, and not really having all that interesting of a story to tell. I mean, the most that we can talk about are those strange guys in school who seem to really like us, but are too scared to admit it." I was smiling, thinking about what I had said, and how something like this might be going along.

"Yeah, every time that they talk to their friends about how gross girls are, they always bring up one or two as their prime example. I think that this is a sign that they might find us cute." Claire was saying, and then Todd was looking at us as if he was not wanting to admit it in the idea of not wanting to make it too obvious. But from the way he was looking, I knew that he was aware that this was the way that it was done, and that we were onto something. Which made me more excited.

"I think that we should talk to them soon. Maybe sort of hint that we like them, and they might be really happy." I said, and then Todd was holding out his hand, as if fearing that something like this was a bad idea, and he was wanting to make it very clear that this was something that we should just never be doing. I was looking at him, totally confused on what was making him like this right now.

"Trust me, that is a terrible idea. If you try to show them that you know that they like you, then they might be up and defensive about it. They will be lying about it, and then they will be spreading rumors about you guys. they are going to make it so much worse for you if you show that you know." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just worried about the whole thing. We were looking at each other, Claire and I, totally confused.

"Honestly, that makes no sense. If she likes us, wouldn't you want to go on and talk with them, to sort of show that you know that they can be an option?" I was asking, trying to just wrap my mind around this whole thing, and he was looking right at us, and I was seeing him looking like he was feeling like that if he even attempted to explain this, he would be going crazy, and have no reason to do this now.

"Nothing about young kids makes any sense. Just trust me when I say that this is not a valid option. Trust me when I say that if you do this, then you will be making things so much worse, and every chance that you guys will have had will be entirely gone." After Todd was saying this, the way he was looking at me made it clear as hell that this was not to be messed with. As he was looking at us like this, and I was seeing that he was just wanting to be making us feel better, I was sighing, feeling like I just needed to be giving him a chance on this.

"Alright, you seem to be aware of what you are talking about. Why are guys like that anyways? Why aren't they willing to go on and admit they way that they are thinking of you." I said, and he was looking right at me, and then he was shrugging, as if feeling like there was no way that he could explain it. I was wondering why he couldn't until he answered me with why.

"The whole thing is just too strange for me to be able to try and understand myself. I know that it is just hard to be doing this type of stuff when you are younger. Mostly as a simple fear of letting you guys see that we are not really strict people after all." After he was telling us this, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but just truly had no idea how to say it.

"Guys are weird." I said, and then I was looking right at Claire, and she was laughing when we had said that. Todd was looking like he had already said his piece on this whole thing, and felt like he was just needing to be leaving us alone, and not be getting in our way on this whole hang out anymore. Since we were just too deeply into this whole thing. Eventually, I was seeing him looking like he had actually slightly enjoyed this conversation. At least more than he thought that he would have been able to.

"Well, I better be going to my room now. You know, just to be doing my own thing. Get a couple of hours of being alone and free until Gabe comes home from whatever the hell he is doing. I am not even annoyed with it anymore. I'm just confused more than anything else." After Todd said that to me, I was seeing him sort of looking like he had wanted to be saying more, but did not want to dare say anything that could get us on his business of what was going on.

"What has he said about it? Do you think that you might be able to sort of get an idea of what he is doing, if you just sort of force some information from him?" After Claire asked Todd this, he was shaking his head, as if feeling like doing that was just going to be fucking impossible. That even trying to know how Gabe was feeling was going to be the hardest thing he would have been able to do now.

"He has given me no fucking clues what he is doing? I feel like he might just be wanting to sort of be his own independent agent, and I am kind of annoyed with him doing something like that. It is none of my business, but I just sort of wish that I knew what was going on." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more. But then he was sighing, thinking that he was just going to not even bother with this whole thing now.

"I think that if he even cares about how we are feeling, he would not have been doing this in the first place. But he clearly does not care. He clearly has never cared. If he had cared, I would help him. But I am going to just be sort of letting him do his own thing until he decides to finally open up." After Gabe was saying that to me, I was seeing him sighing, feeling like there was no need to say anything else, and that saying anything else would have been wrong even for him.

With that, he was waving bye at us, which meant that he really was leaving us alone. Then I was looking right at Claire, and I was then looking like I had something better for us to be talking about. Something that I felt like would have been more interesting for the two of us now. "We did not talk to him about the tree house. I mean, that was the main thing we could have asked him over." After I said that to her, Claire was looking like she did not even realize that at first.

"Oh yeah, I was thinking that maybe we should, but I totally forgot about it honestly. I really feel like we should have talked to him about it." After Claire was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to say something else. I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to say more on it, but could not think on it any longer.

"Dang it. I feel like we just lost the best chance that we had to get to know what he was doing." After I was saying that, I was feeling like maybe I should have been thinking about the fact that we were now sort of one step even further behind. But then again, if Todd liked Claire, he might have been willing to talk to us on this, and I was feeling like maybe we just needed to sort of go on and earn his trust here.

"I would give it a few more times. Let him really grow to like you. Then when he feels like you are cool enough, I think that we might have a chance to get to know how he is feeling." I said to her, and then I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to be saying more, and then she was clearly looking like she was wanting to argue with me, but did not really have the heart to do so.

"Yeah, I guess that maybe we can sort of just wait and see how it might be." After she was saying that to me, I was seeing her sort of looking like she was wanting to be saying more. But at the same time, she was clearly looking like she was just needing to be leaving the whole thing alone. I was then looking like I was going to have to be seeing what the heck we were going to do to make it all come together.

"I think that there is something that we could learn from him. But when I see him talking about Gabe, I know that he does not like to be more open on these events. I feel like as the brother he had for the longest time, you know him being the second oldest, he feels like it is his personal responsibility to keep after him. Watching him become a young adult in his eyes pretty much." I said, and then I was feeling like when I was looking at this from that perspective, I felt bad for Todd almost.

"Well, is there anything else that you were wanting to do?" I asked, and I was hoping to be able to change the subject to be making it into a more fun one, and something that I had felt like Claire might have been able to have more enjoyment out of. She was looking at me, and she was clearly looking unsure of what the heck she was going to feel now.

"I think that maybe we could go on and check it out again, or try to see if there are any places in the town that Lily might be willing to show us, or that Rosa girl. I think that something like that will be a good thing to do tonight." After she was saying that to me, I was thinking about what she had offered, and I was feeling like I was going to have to at least consider what she was suggesting here, and I was having no idea what to say.

"Yeah, I might be thinking that we can try that tomorrow or something. Might not be wise to do it tonight, when so many of the others are awake. But tomorrow could be rather fun." I said, and then I was thinking about what it was going to be like to just get us out of this whole slum, and be able to make this whole thing work out for the best. I was feeling like maybe I was going to have to see what the heck Claire would be feeling here.

Despite what I had been feeling, I was wanting to see what Claire was wanting to do now. I mean, I was feeling like there could have been something that we could have done at that moment to make the whole thing more fun and stuff. I was needing to just make her feel like I was not sort of pushing her along into something she was wanting or anything like that.

Eventually, I was seeing her looking like she was kind of just trying to do something to make it all more interesting or different at that moment. "I think that maybe we can go around, and see how your other brothers are doing." After she was saying that to me, I was feeling like maybe I was going to have to be considering something like that for a moment. I was feeling like this was going to be the best thing that I could be able to do with her.

"Yeah, I guess that we could be able to make this whole thing work out." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like this was something that I was going to be feeling kind of bad for. You know, the fact that I was probably going to be doing something that my brothers might not be super excited with. But I was feeling like I just needed to sort of give it a try to make it better.

"That is going to be a lot of fun. I mean, I just want to see what the idea of having so many siblings would be like." After Claire was telling me this, I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to be finding something else we could have been able to do about this. Then I was feeling like we were going to just have to be finding a way to make it all better.

We were sort of feeling like I was going to just need to find something to keep us going. "Hey, I think that maybe we can try Josiah or something like that first. He is a really nice guy. I think you will grow to like him right away." I said, sort of just trying to find a way to be getting her away from Jack for a bit longer. Not because she had no right to be feeling this way. But the whole thing with Jack was just something that I felt like maybe we needed to at least sort of change the perception of it all.

"I will let you try and see how things can be." After Claire was saying that to me, I was seeing her standing up, and smiling right at me, and then we were going right towards the room where Josiah and Seth were hanging out at. And I was feeling like maybe we were just going to be nice to him about it, and not make him feel like we were sort of pushing the whole thing too far with him.

We were walking to the room, and once we were seeing Josiah playing some loud ass guitar tunes, he was looking at us, as if feeling a bit embarrassed to be seeing us staring at him like this. As if feeling like maybe he was needing to just try and find a way to be getting himself out of this. I was feeling like maybe what Josiah was feeling was just something that he would not have minded when we were alone, but with a guest...

"How is your music right now?" I asked, and I was feeling like simply asking something like that, to make him feel like we were sort of getting along normally enough, was making him feel differently on this. Or at least I was sort of hoping that we could be able to make it all seem different." After I was saying this to him, he was looking right at me, and he was clearly looking like he was wanting to be putting this whole thing to some level of better presentability.

"It is doing alright. I mean, I am just sort of wanting to make it all better. I want to be ready for the concert that I am going to be performing at the end of the month." After Josiah was saying that to Claire and I, this was when I was looking at Claire, as if sort of wondering what the heck we were going to be doing now. "I mean my band members are trying to be making me feel better about this whole thing. But that being said, I think that even if I wanted to be feeling different, I just can't."

"I can't believe that you guys are getting so far up this. I think that you performing for the town is going to be the coolest thing ever." I said, and I was meaning every single word of what I was saying, and then I was feeling like maybe we were just going to have to be finding a way to be making it all differently for us. I was seeing that Claire was just wanting to see where this was going to be going now.

"I mean, so many people at the talent show liked how we did that they are wanting us to be going deeper into this whole thing. I mean, I can't really have any of that get in my mind. I need to be ready for whatever they are going to just show us." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be finding something else that could change it all. But then I was seeing him looking like he was just sort of trying to keep his calm with the idea.

"Honestly, I just wish that you will do good. As long as you perform well, I am going to be proud of you." I said, and then I was feeling like this was the best that I was going to be getting out of this whole thing. I had looked at Josiah, and I was feeling like when I was looking right at him, I was going to be able to get him to feel a bit different, and change how he was going to be performing this whole discussion with us. I was just wishing to find him happier.

As I was feeling all of this coming together, I was then looking right at Claire, as if sort of wondering what the heck we were going to be actually doing now. "So Claire, what do you think about the idea of my brother getting into the concert performances at the end of the year?" I asked, referring to the annual music show that was held on December 31st. This was the first year that Josiah was going to be doing this, and it was just the best we were going to get out of this.

"I think that this is really cool. Do you think that you are excited for something like this?" Claire asked Josiah this, and he was looking like he was clearly unsure of what the heck to be saying now. But then he was just looking ta the guitar, looking like he was wishing to be keeping this along for a bit longer. I was seeing that from the look on his face, we were probably having the answer to her question.

...

-Dec 18 1993 2:55 pm- I just felt like this was going to be the best few weeks of my life. I was going to be going along and making Claire and the others get quickly into the idea of hanging around with my family, as well as I could be able to sort of understand what the hell my brothers were going to tell me about things like the three house. I was feeling like I just needed to go and get the truth about it all.

I remember when I was hanging out with Claire at the very end of the night, and I was sort of seeing Gabe coming into the house, and he was looking like he was utterly tired, and just needed to find somebody to be able to hanging out with him, to really know what was bothering him. I had felt like maybe if I had tried hard enough, I would be able to sort of see what was going on with him. To sort of make it all come together.

I was seeing him looking like there was a certain level of regret to what he had been doing, and I had felt like maybe I just needed to go on and see him for what he was feeling. And as I was feeling that, I was walking up to him before he was finally heading out that day, and I was going to be nice but firm about the way that I would approach him. I just needed to know the truth, and then be able to leave him alone.

As he was at the door, I was placing my smaller hand on his much bigger and more rough hand. Then he was looking down at me, as if he was trying to think of something to say to me to make me feel better. "What is going on? Do you need anything real quick?" He was asking me, and I was sort of unsure of what I was going to say. I was feeling like I needed to make a honest answer, and then that was going to keep me feeling better at the moment.

"I was wanting to know if something was bothering you. If I can make you feel better." I said, and then I was looking down at him, trying to find a way to be sort of getting him to see that I was not going to have any negative feelings for him at all. I was seeing him just sort of looking like he was needing to find something to tell me that could make me feel differently about what was going on at that moment.

"I am just dealing with some things with school and friends. It is nothing important. If I were to try and explain it all, I bet that you guys would not even believe me in the first place." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely trying to look like he was not too bothered with this right now. I was sighing, feeling like I just needed to see where this was going to head on now.

"Are they making fun of you? Are they being really rude?" I asked, and I was trying my best to be finding a way to be giving him the impression that he was going to be able to speak with me. Then he was just looking at the window, and while I was clearly able to tell that he was just trying to be nice about it, I was able to see that he was slightly annoyed with the entire thing right now.

"No, it is nothing like that. I just want to understand what the problem is. I mean, I know that something is happening here, and I am just trying to find some answer here before I made a conclusion." Gabe said, and then he was placing his hand on the nob, and I was seeing him clearly looking like he was just needing for me to work with him for once, and just accept the fact that this was not the way we were going to be going at this.

"I think that you would truly never understand, and I have nothing against you for that, but I think that you just need to understand that I need to be heading out on my own." Gabe said, and then I was seeing him letting go of me, and when I was seeing him do that, instead of me doing it to him, for a brief second or two, what he had done really hurt me. I knew he didn't do it on purpose. But I just wished that he was going to be more open to my feelings.

"I need to be going now. I think that I can't really talk about it anymore. I am sorry for doing this to you. I know you really seem to care. But I know that this is something I can't mess around with." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to be leaving the subject alone. I knew that I was not going to be getting anything else out of him, and that I was just needing to get over it, and not be rough with him.

"Well, I hope that you have a good day." I said, and then he was smiling, as if feeling like he was able to agree with me on this, and then he was walking out of the house. I knew that he was much older than me, and that he had no obligation to be doing this stuff with me. But I just wanted to sort of get more out of him, and see if I could be able to help him out in a way.

But as he was gone, I was looking behind me, and I was seeing Josiah looking like he was sort of sad when he was seeing me and saw that I was clearly not taking this whole encounter of dialogue very well at all. "I am sorry that this is what is bothering you. I mean, if you are going to try and get him to talk, he will be just brushing you off. He has been doing this to everybody." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more to make me feel better, but did not dare to say anything that would bother with Gabe or I.

"I know that it is none of my business what he is doing. But I feel like I need to see what is going on with him. I need to see if I can be able to help him out." I said, and I was just trying my best to be sounding like a nice sister, but then Josiah was hugging me a bit and he was feeling like this was all that he was going to change my mind on.

"I think that you need to enjoy your time with your friends. I think that if you do that, then everything will be so much better for you. Just be happy and remember that this is your time off." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking a little bit like he was really wanting to get this point across. I nodded, feeling like I just needed to sort of go along with it, and accept the fact that this was all that mattered, and that he was just being there for me.

"Does he care about making us feel better? I just wish that he was able to go on and understand where we are coming from. I think that he is just going to be dealing with his own thing, and that he might not even be able to think too deeply on this whole thing." After Josiah was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just going to be wanting to drop the subject, and sort of just move on from this.

"Anyways, if you are going on and hanging out with your friends in the concert on New Years Eve, do you think that you are going to be missing out on being with us for New Year?" I asked, and then I was looking at him, and he was shrugging, as if feeling like this was a bit strange to consider. I was feeling like maybe Josiah was going to be doing something that would make it all just be a bit different for us.

"Honestly, I would never do something like that. I wouldn't even dare to do that. I mean, I would not want to miss out on Henry's birthday for a second year in a row. He was really not happy when I was gone last year on it." After Josiah was saying that, I was seeing him sort of looking like it was kind of funny. But at the same time, I was aware that he knew that this was not really a playing matter, and something that he could not mess with.

"Yeah, I guess that maybe something like that might be possible. I just thought that there would have been something that you were planning on doing in the mean time. I know that Henry often times gets insecure about his birthday." I said, and I did not blame him for being like this. After all, his birthday was New Years Day, which meant that when it was his birthday, or when he would talk about it, he was worried that people would be thinking he was lying about it all.

He said to me a couple of weeks ago that he felt like that was the one day in which people would have been accusing him of lying more than anything else. Because that would seem to be 'too convenient' to be having your birthday on. I kind of felt bad for him, but I was in no way shocked that he was feeling this way, and I was just sort of wondering what it was like to be having a birthday nobody would believe him on.

"Well, I think that he might just be thinking a bit too closely into it. I mean, I think that I just need to be there for him, and that I need to at least acknowledge something like this first." After Josiah was telling me this, I was feeling like I was just needing to sort of find something better to say. Something that could make this whole thing seem to be just a bit different for us all.

"Well, what type of stuff do you want to play at the concert?" I asked, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to find something else to say. I was seeing him clearly looking like he was wanting to be finding a different route, but then he was just looking almost excited once he had the couple of seconds to be able to get over the question.

"Well, we do not want to be considered boring and repetitive. So we are going on a few different songs, and see how things are going to be. I just think that maybe with different songs, people might be much more interested and seeing how things can be." After Josiah said that, he was looking like he was then thinking of what the name of the song would be. "I plan on making a song that still has some of the rock feel to it, but maybe a little bit more of the stereo beat to it."

I was looking at him, confused and not even going to pretend like I was able to understand what the stuff he was talking about really was. I was feeling like maybe when he was saying stuff like this, I was just going to have to think more on what the hell he was wanting to accomplish here. But then I was looking at the window of the house, and then I was thinking about Claire once again, thinking about what it was going to be like to hang out with her.

"I think that I will take your advice on just hanging out with my friends. I do not want to be dealing with anything else. I do want to go on and hang out with my friends, and make it all different." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to be finding something different to keep it all together. I was just feeling so lost on the idea of having some friends here. "I mean, I think you guys should hang out with them. They are so cool already." I said, and I was seeing Josiah looking like he was sort of wanting to go along with it.

"Well, that Claire girl seems to be nice so far. I mean, I know absolutely nothing about her, but I think that maybe I could still get along with her soon enough." After Josiah was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to be seeing where this whole thing was about to be heading now. I was then thinking about what the hell we were even doing.

"She helped introduce me to a couple of people, and everything is really cool so far. She introduced me to some form of tree house in the forest." I said, and with that, I was seeing Josiah looking like he was suddenly getting worried, and that he was unsure of what to say. He told me he would tell me some stuff later, but that I needed to not bring this up to anybody else, under any circumstance. I nodded, confused on this whole thing. As well as slightly worried too.

...

-Dec 18 1993 7:45 pm- When I was hanging out with Claire, I was feeling like I needed to just ask her the main question. The one thing that I felt like was going to be more important than anything else, and I did not care what she was going to be saying. I just needed to say something to sort of help me understand what was happening right now.

"Claire, I was hanging out with Josiah a bit last night, no wait it was only a few hours ago. Anyways, so when I was hanging out with him, I mentioned the whole tree house thing to him, and he was really scared of this. Almost as if he was feeling like I basically mentioned something on par with Pandora's box. I really don't get it, and I just really have no idea what to say." I said, and then I was feeling like Claire might not get the whole thing, and why this was so strange. But I was feeling like I just needed to see what she was going to do here.

"I think that it might be strange that he is saying something like that. But I would not be thinking that it is too big of a deal. I think that you just need to listen to him if you are thinking that you should not be getting in this whole thing." After she was telling me this, I was feeling like what she was saying was not going to be making a big difference. I mean, I had nothing against the way that she was feeling here.

"I just think that maybe I should be going back there, and seeing if there is something that we missed the first time that is creating this amount of a reaction from them." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to sort of see what the hell she was going to say now. I was needing to know if Claire was going to have any plans to this.

I was seeing her sort of looking like she had no idea what I was going to be saying to her. "Do you want to go on and see if there is something with me? Or do you think that you will be sitting this one out? I mean, I would not blame you if you are like this. But I just feel like I need to kind of understand why my brothers are bothered by this." I said, standing up, sort of feeling like I was going to be making a big mistake by doing all of this. But I did not give a single shit right now.

"Lydia, I think that as fun as I would be having going on an adventure with you, if your older brothers are making a big deal out of this, and pretty much just telling you not to get into this, then I think that maybe you are going to just have to just listen to them." Claire was telling me, and then she was wanting to see if I was going to listen to her right now.

"I know that they are all going to be telling me that this is a bad idea. But I think that if I have a way to be sort of just putting the mystery to rest, then I think that it might be worth it." I said, and then I was sort of wondering what she was going to be telling me. I had seen her looking like she was really wishing to debate with me on this. But then I was just going to need to be taking this a bit better on this.

"Besides, if we go together, and there really is something going on right now, then you can be able to tell everybody that there is a issue, and then we could be able to work together to sort of fix this whole thing." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was seeing that Claire was sort of looking like she was able to see the logic to this whole thing. Even if she had not wanted to go on and admit this.

"I guess that maybe we can also bring some of our other friends into this, like I can convince Lily and Rosa to do this with us. Maybe they might be having some stuff they might know. Especially Rosa, since she knows so much about the town in the first place." After Claire was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was clearly thinking that this was fine enough. I was feeling like I just needed to not be arguing with her on any of this right now.

"Yeah, I guess that Rosa will be interested in going on to try this whole thing out. You know, since she liked to be doing this anyways. I guess that maybe when we try to get her to talk about what her plans are, then maybe we are going to have to be working harder on this." I said, and then I was thinking on how much easier it would be to convince Rosa than it would be to convince Lily.

"I wish that we had a starting point. I mean, aside from walking to the treehouse, and looking inside of there, I can't really come up with any other places I can look for. And when I tell my brothers that I know some of this stuff, they might be more willing to go on and check out what I am looking into." I said, and then I was feeling like this was something that would either gain or lose all the respect they were having for me.

I knew that I needed to just take the risk, and see what the heck they were wanting to know. What the heck they were trying to be hiding from us in the first place. "Hey Claire, how the heck are we going to be able to hide what we learn? You know, to make sure that people don't get in our business over what is happening." I said, and then I was looking at her, sort of wondering what the heck I was going to need to tell her here.

"I think that if you want to find something, and not tell your brothers, maybe you will have to start to see where Gabe is coming from. I feel like maybe he does not want to be hiding the truth, but that he feels like he has no choice." After Claire was telling me this, I could not believe that she was defending my older brother, and that she was basically admitting that lying was alright.

But as I was thinking about this, I was feeling like I was just sort of needing to be considering where this was coming from. I mean, she was meaning well. Even if I did not fully agree to what was being said to me. "I mean, I know that he is a nice guy. But I feel like maybe if I tell him that I know some stuff, he will either just be lying to me, or will actually open up more." I said, and then I was shaking my head, feeling like I was needing to sort of see where this was coming from in the first place.

"Do you think that he is wanting to lie? I mean, I think that maybe you are going to have to know that if he is a nice guy, he will probably be feeling like this is the only thing that matters." After Claire was saying this to me, I was looking at her, sort of wondering what the hell she was going to be telling me now. I was wanting to find something else. But I could not come together with any of this.

"I don't know. But I feel like with the stories Todd gave me, Gabe's behavior in general lately, the way that Josiah acted when I mentioned the tree house, and Seth's confusion to everything right now, I still feel like there must be something happening, and that maybe I just need to sort of be patient on this whole thing." I said, and then I was wondering what the heck I was going to accomplish by anything here.

"Or maybe they are all playing one big prank on you." Claire said, and I was looking at her, as if feeling like what she was saying was just totally asinine, and I was even looking at her as such. She was looking down, as if feeling like even she knew how odd it was by saying something like that. But I still responded before the voice inside of my head was telling me not to.

"If they were pulling a prank on me, the prank would be really stupid, and I think that it would sort of be worn down by now." I said, and then I was shrugging, feeling like she was being innocent enough. But I was taking a deep breath, sort of trying to find something to keep the statements more on check. "I'm sorry. I just feel like there is zero reason to believe that any of this is a joke." I said, and then I stood up, ready to continue my journey.

"I am going to check what is going on. Surely there must be something in the tree house, and I will find the truth here. This is the only thing that really matters." I said, and then I was shaking my head, looking right at Claire, and then I was starting to smile, thinking of how fun it would be to do something like this in the first place.

"Fine, if you are already pretty much deciding what you are going to be doing I will just see what is going on to help out." After Claire was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was just clearly unsure of what the heck was going on at this rate, and I was feeling like I was sort of feeling like I was needing to be seeing where this was about to be heading now.

"I just feel like when I am there, something will make some sense out of this." I said, and then I was feeling like I was needing to be taking this whole thing easier, and I was feeling like one of these days, I was going to be needing to find some form of truth to this whole stuff. But then I was feeling like the tree house was the only thing that even came remotely close to mattering in the long run.

"Well, I think that maybe we should be heading out now. Maybe we can go on and see what Lily and Rosa are doing. Even though I barely know this Rosa girl, so I do not even know if she will like me." I said, feeling like that was going to be the hardest part of this whole thing, and was going to be the only part of the experiment that would be sort of ruining this entire thing. No matter how hard it was going to be.

Eventually, I was seeing Claire looking right at me, as if she was feeling like once again, I was being too worried over something that was not that big of a deal. "I think that you do not give yourself enough credit. I think you need to understand that she is going to probably like you enough. I doubt that this is really going to matter." Claire was saying to me, and then I was feeling like I just needed to find something better to be doing right now, to keep this whole thing going.

"I guess that I will be giving this a chance. I mean, I don't really know what to feel right now. I mean, I guess that I am just worried about being the odd one out." I said, and then I was thinking about what the heck was even going to be happening right now. I was feeling like this whole thing was just being a bit strange. I just want to get this over with, and see how it was going to bring it all together, to make it feel like we were starting to accomplish something.

As we were getting out of her house, that was when Claire was looking at me, as if trying to find something she would be able to say to make me feel a bit differently on this whole thing now. "Hey Lydia, I will just let you know that if she makes a issue on this whole thing, then I will tell her that this is not something that I will have to want to deal with. I will pretty much make it clear to her that I want you two to be able to get along." After she was telling me this, I was looking at her, as if feeling l ike sh emight be trying a bit too hard on all of this.

"I will sort of just see what it is like before I want to try and do anything. I think that this might be best." I said, and I was truly meaning what I had been saying. I had felt like no matter if for nothing else, we were going to have to sort of have to find something to make it all different. We were walking out of the house, and I was feeling like the idea of making this friendship go on and get deeper was going to be the only thing that really mattered at the end of the day.

I was then thinking about the fact that I was needing to remember what my brothers were going to be telling me. They would be trying to tell me to be taking it easy, and that I was looking too deeply into this, and be basically acting like I was being too serious. I knew that maybe Claire was right. But at the same time, I was not really even caring what the heck was even happening in the first place. I was feeling like I was never needing to be so worried over anything like this, ever again, and that I just needed to get over it and stuff.

"Claire, how long have you known Rosa?" I asked, and I was feeling like maybe she was going to be able to enlighten me on how this whole thing was going, and make me feel not so worried on this. I was not really sure if I was fully willing to play along with this yet. But I was feeling like maybe when I was going to work with Claire, and see what she was feeling, I was going to get more out of this than I was wanting to admit.

"A couple of months. Nothing too long, but I think that they are all cool." After Claire was telling me this, I was feeling like I was going to have to be taking this into account as we were getting near where Rosa had lived, and I was feeling like maybe I needed to sort of just remember that she was thinking Rosa would like me enough, and that was something I needed to remember if I wanted to give Rosa a chance as we were near the yard of where she lived.

...

-Dec 18, 1993 11:00 pm- We were at the door, and I was really unsure of what the hell this Rosa girl was going to be like, since she was probably going to be thinking that this was a bit strange, and find the fact that we were trying to talk to her this late at night to be the most insanely random and annoying thing to be doing right now, and she would probably not be very nice to us at first. I would not blame them either.

She answered the door, and she was looking right at us, and she was confused on what to be doing right now. This was a bit strange, and I was feeling like I just needed to introduce myself to make sure that none of them are going to be annoyed with this, and that I was not going to ruin their opinion of me and stuff. "Hey, my name is Lydia, and Claire was telling me all about you." I said, and then I was smiling, thinking that what I had said was all great.

Rosa was looking at Claire, sort of going through the motions. On one end, she was probably greatly annoyed with the time that this was done, but on the other hand, I was thinking that she was almost kind of excited to be seeing how this whole thing would have come along. "Hey Claire, do you think that Lydia would be fitting right into the social group?" She asked carefully, sort of wondering what the heck we were going to be saying now.

"I think she is a really nice person so far, and I think we should go and hang out with each other as a group. Lily already likes her enough." After Claire was saying this to Rosa, I was seeing her looking like she was clearly thinking about this a bit more. She was probably just trying to decide what the heck she was going to be feeling right now.

"Alright, if you think that she will be able to fit in just fine, I guess that I should give her a chance." After Rosa was saying this to Claire, she was looking at me, as if sort of more glad than she was wanting to admit that this was the case. I was seeing her clearly not wanting to say that she wanted to see how this could go. But the look on her face made it clear.

"So Lydia, how have you been for the break so far?" Rosa asked, feeling like maybe as long as she asked something as simple as that, we were going to be able to sort of get something going right now. I was feeling like maybe this was just her really wanting to see if we have any form of common connection now.

"Break has been nice so far. My brothers are just being a little bit rough with me, but nothing too bad. Nothing that I am not used to." I said, and then I was looking at Rosa, wondering what she could be thinking of what I was saying, and if she had any real opinion on this matter. I was feeling like maybe I just needed to see where this was going to actually go now.

"That is good. I mean, I only have one sibling, a younger sister. So I have no real idea what it is like to be having a large amount of siblings. From what I heard, it seems like you have a large one. But I guess that it is not really any of my business what it is like." After Rosa was saying this to me, I was feeling like I was just needing to be sort of seeing where this was going to be heading now. I was sort of just wanting to bring it all together in some fucking form or fashion.

"I heard that Claire is an only child, and I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to have literally no siblings at all." I said, and then I was smiling, sort of just unsure of what the heck I was going to try and say now. I was feeling like maybe I was needing to just be sort of finding something else to say, but it was just a bit hard to deal with now.

"If you think that stuff like this is strange, then I think you might need to just go on and see people with little to no siblings more often, and see how it is like, and then you will see that this is not the strange thing to be dealing with." After she said that to me, I was looking at her, and I was knowing that Rosa wasn't meaning anything by it, but I had nothing that I was wishing to say right now at this whole thing.

"I know that I barely have anybody who I hang out with right now. I just think that it could have been nice to have something much smaller." I said, and then I was looking like I was needing to be finding something else to discuss. Something that was much more interesting, to sort of understand where this was going now. I was feeling like maybe I needed to keep that in my mind.

"Honestly, there was something that I was wanting to talk to you about. Something that I was hoping you would have known." I said, and then I was sort of just wanting to find something else to say, to sort of keep it all together. I was then seeing her looking confused, but also just wanting me to sort of just say it and get it over with.

"I was shown that tree house in the forest by Lily and Claire. I was then telling a couple of my older brothers about this, and they were telling me that something was going on there. Something bad. But I was told that you were the first one to know about this place. So do you have any advice here?" I asked, and then I was looking like I was needing to be taking this way too seriously, and I was seeing her sort of looking like she was just needing to get over it.

"Well, I think that maybe they are just telling you that stuff to make sure that you do not get into the cool stuff in the house. I bet that maybe they are just wanting to keep something for themselves." After Rosa was saying this to me, I was shrugging, and then I was feeling like I just needed to have to go through this adventure for the fifth time. Which was a bit annoying, but maybe I had no choice but to do this.

"Honestly, I am just thinking that something like this is just not true. I mean, if I were to explain why, nobody would get it. But the thing is that I wanted to go on and talk with them more, but they never wanted to speak with me about this stuff. They were looking terrified. If it was just one of the siblings, I would have brushed it off as the way you guys are suggesting. But with more than that, and pretty much all of my older ones, I can't brush this off." I said, feeling like I just needed to keep this whole thing together, to make it seem better.

"I mean, I wanted to just act like they were being annoyed with dealing with me on this whole thing, but in all honesty, I just feel like it is not true to be dealing with this. There is just so much more than I wanted to admit going on." I said, and then I was looking at them, I was sort of feeling like I just needed to be finding some real interest to be keeping up this whole debate a bit longer.

"But what do you think they would even want to be not talking about? I think that you need to think that one out a bit better." She said, and I was feeling like she was not meaning anything wrong with it. But I was feeling like I just needed to sort of find a way to be going through all of this.

"I don't know honestly. I think it might be different for each of them. That is the thing that is scaring me. The fact that I genuinely have no idea what is going on is the thing that is sort of bothering me now." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to kind of wrap my mind on this here. I was feeling like maybe I needed to know what Claire and Lily would believe with this.

"I just wish that I knew what to tell them. I mean, I feel like I want to go on and look into it a bit. Do you think that something like this could be interesting to do?" I asked, and then I was looking right at them, wanting to get Rosa to accept my offer. I was needing her to be playing with me with my ideas right now. I had felt like this was just all that mattered now.

"Well, if you feel like you really need to be doing this, and you are cool with bringing me along, I would be cool with coming along." Rosa said, and I was seeing her looking like she was almost finding this whole thing to not only be possible, but fun as hell. I was then smiling at this idea, feeling like I just sort of needed to see where this was going to be heading. I was feeling like I just needed to know what Rosa was wanting to say here.

"Hey Rosa, what do you think we should be doing right now? How do you think that we would be getting any answers with all of this now?" I asked, and I was feeling like I just sort of needed to be seeing where this whole thing was going to be going, and how I would be able to handle it all.

"I think that if you are serious about this, then we can go on and gather up Lily, and create a group of four where all four of us are going to be able to pull this whole thing together. I think that this is going to be a good idea, to create a situation of something like power in numbers." After Rosa was saying that to me, I was then seeing Claire looking at me and she was almost looking like this was a good idea now.

"I think that I should also try and talk to my siblings about some clues. Once I learn some stuff, I think that I might be able to pull all of this together." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just sort of needing to find something to keep this whole thing feeling like I was not going to be going crazy. I just needing to be aware of all of the options, and any of the possible outcomes before I could be able to pull this together.

"Honestly, they might be hating this idea. I think that no matter what you might be doing, they might just be brushing you off, and just pretending like it is not really going to be coming together." After Rosa was saying this, I was placing my hand on my face, trying to be finding something better to do. I feel like I just needed to be finding some actual answers to keep it all together.

"I want to be able to ask them some stuff. I think that this is the only thing that I can fucking do. I mean, I want to act like this is not really happening. But I guess that nobody is really going to actually be listening to me too." I said, and then I was looking right at them, sort of feeling like I was needing to be finding a proper answer on all of this, and I was feeling like this was a terrible answer, even if I did not want to admit it.

"Just give it a go if you feel like this so important." After she was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she had wanted to be sort of changing the subject. Nothing too much, but enough to sort of get us to a different point. Not that I could blame her for feeling like this at the moment.

"I think that maybe I just need to come up with some ideas, and just sort of see what ones are going to be best. I mean, I feel like that is all that I can be doing here." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to be finding something else to do, and I was feeling like nothing else was going to be making any difference to all of this. But I just sort of hated what was going on in a way. But either way, I was glad to know they were willing to work with me now.

...

-Dec 20 1993 3:45 am- I was looking right at my ceiling, and I was feeling like I was just needing to be finding some way to be making this whole thing look like it was not bothering me all that much. I was needing to find a way to be making this whole thing look like it was at least sort of mature in my own way. I did not know how it was going to be like, and I did not really fucking care how to be making it all work.

I was not even caring what people were going to be saying about this now. I was just needing to find out the truth to my brother, and I was needing to do whatever it took to be getting there. I did not care what it was going to be like. I was going to force the truth out of them, and I was going to be making Gabe see that I was not going to be having any other way around this.

I needed him to sort of get where I was coming from, no matter what was going to be coming out of this here. If he was going to be making a huge deal out of this, then I felt like I was just going to have to be taking the answers for what it had to be, one way or another. I was just scared for him, and I needed to get him to see that one way or another.

I was getting up the stairs, and I was thinking about how the twins were going through all of this. I was feeling so damn bad for them on this whole thing. They had no idea what the heck was going on, and I was feeling like if I was in that spot, I would be feeling so much better on this all. I would be feeling like I was going to finally have my own clear idea on where to go. I was scared on what he was doing, and I was scared that nobody would talk with him here.

As I was finally feeling like I was having something more important to be looking into, I was feeling like I was sort of just going to be seeing where this was going to head, and I was going to just need to be going on and seeing what the hell we were even planning on doing now. Once I was up the stairs, I was looking at the area, just trying to sort of feel like I needed to sort of see where this was heading now.

I was looking around, and when I was looking at the living room, I was feeling like it was only going to be a matter of time before he was going to be around, and then I was going to be able to confront him, and see what was going on with him. I was feeling like this was all that I had needed to be doing right now. I was then thinking about what it would be like if he was doing the right thing, and if we were all getting in his way right now for nothing.

I was feeling like maybe I was going to just have to be finding a way to just sort of know the truth, and when I was together, and I was able to know what my brother was going through, I would be able to make him feel better. His happiness, and my understanding, both when put together, were going to be the only thing that would give me the answers that I had really needed here. The only things that mattered.

When this was something I knew that I was going to be looking into, I was sort of just trying to be finding a answer on how to make it all work, and I was just going to be finding out what I was going to be saying to him to make him feel like I was not attacking him, and then we were going to be able to come together, and be friends on this whole thing, and actually know what was bothering us.

As I was sort of coming to the answers here, and then just sort of feeling like the answers were all that I had ever wanted, I was feeling like I was going to be able to find the answers that I had needed to sort of be bringing it all together. I was thinking about my friends, and the stuff that I was going to be soon looking into with them.

As I was thinking about that a little bit longer, I was just going to be seeing what the heck I was even going to be saying to him to sort of bring it all together. I was standing up, and then I was seeing that I was seeing a person who was in one of their rooms, making some noises, and I was feeling like I just needed to sort of see what the heck was going on with him. I was feeling like when he was going to show up, I was needing to be coming together.

I was seeing Seth walking out of his room, and he was clearly planning on just going to the bathroom, and I was feeling like I was just needing to sort of feeling like I could be able to hear the worst from his perspective. I was feeling like I was needing to sort of just talk with him, and see what was bothering him about all of this. I felt like I had a idea on what to be hearing from him, but I was wanting to hear it all in a normal matter.

I was calling out to him, feeling like I was just needing to hear what was happening at this rate. "Hey Seth, I was wondering if you were wanting to talk for a bit about some stuff." I said, and then I was saying this in a way that I could be able to see that he was aware that refusing me was going to be the worst thing for both of us. Then he was sitting down, and looking at me, just sort of wishing to be getting this whole thing over with.

"Honestly, I think that I might be aware of where you are going to be coming with this. I feel like you are going to want to talk to me about Gabe, and try to get my perspective on all of this stuff. You know, to see how much this broke me or something." Seth said, and then he was looking at me, as if feeling like he needed to see if I was on the right track.

I was sighing, feeling like I was not going to be lying to him, since doing something like that was just going to be a mess. "Honestly, yes you are right. That is the main thing that I was wanting to discuss with you over. I knew that this whole thing was bothering you, and that you needed to just talk it out." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what he was going to say to me here, if anything at all.

Then he was sighing, feeling like he was needing to be finding a way to talk to me without making it seem like he was not going to be making me feel terrible. Something that he was feeling like was needed to be done for our own fucking sake. "Honestly, I think that you are just needing to be letting this go. I want to talk about it. But doing so will not make any difference." He said, and then he was clearly looking like he was wanting to see where this was going now.

"Fine, I will just accept the fact that you are being a broken man, and that you are too scared to talk about the fact that you feel like people do not care for you." I said, and I was not wanting to even say it like that. But the way he was looking at me was clearly a hurt one. But one of understanding.

"I just don't want to admit it. I am too scared to admit it. That is the truth. That is the only thing that matters. The fact that I am scared to admit it, and that is the only thing that is keeping me along here." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him just sort of wanting to have me stop here, that I made my point. But then he was looking like there was more he could say.

"I mean, if you feel like you want to help out, and you want to try and make me feel better, then maybe we can discuss this at some point. But I feel like I just need to sort of make peace with myself. Knowing that I need to just get over it all." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but that he was too scared to do so.

"I do want to help out. I mean, I saw how much it hurt you inside when you were having that happen. Not just slightly bother you, like I saw that you were truly affected by the fact that he had done that, and I was wanting to help you." I said, and then after I was telling him this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to try and argue with me. But that he was just not going to be making this whole thing come together at all.

"It did break me. But that was almost two weeks ago. I mean, if I am still upset about that, then I am no better than anybody else. I just need to grow up, and accept the fact that people have more important things to be dealing with. Please, just let me be able to try and put this whole thing behind me. Just try and help me sort of pretend like the hurt never really went down, and then I can maybe move on with my life." After he was saying this to me, and I was seeing him looking desperate, I was seeing that on this case, I really did over step the line without even meaning to.

...

-Dec 20 1993 3:30 pm- I wanted to get right to work, and that was what I was doing that day when I was getting up, and then I was walking out of the room, and I was going to be heading on right to where Claire had lived, and then we were going to be getting right into the whole main thing, and then we were going to be doing the stuff that I had felt like was most important.

I was walking to the door with my shoes on, and then that was when Seth was looking at me, and I was seeing that he was only pretending to work as he was standing up, and then he was placing his hand on my shoulder. "Hey Lydia, I was thinking about what you were talking about and stuff. You know, last night was just giving me some time to be thinking on this." After he was saying this to me, I was just wanting to get along to this.

"Listen, I am glad that you are willing to talk with me about this, but I was planning on going on to hang out with Claire today, and I was thinking that I needed to just get right to it." I said, and then I was seeing Seth looking like he was kind of hurt by this. As if he was starting to realize that in his mind, he was the least favorite among this family. But then he was looking down, trying to pretend like it was not hurting him all that much right now.

"Honestly, I was kind of worried you were going to be saying that. I was wanting to talk with you on this stuff. But even you are thinking that you are too good for me. I was just wanting to talk to you about some of the stuff with Gabe. But I guess that maybe this can wait for a while." He was saying, and I was seeing him sort of looking like he was wanting to say more, but had no idea what to be doing now.

"I know that it might be sounding rough for me to be like this right now. But maybe if you really wanted to go on and hang out with some girls, then I guess that you can come along. But I doubted that you would be interested in something like this." I said, looking at him to sort of challenge him in a way of seeing if he was going to do it. I was sighing, feeling like I just needed to keep this together. But then he was looking like he needed to think a bit.

"Do you think that they would be willing to tag along with me? I mean, I am a lot older than them, and they might be thinking that I am too old to get into the swing of things right now." After he was saying this to me, I was placing my hand on his shoulder, feeling like I was going to just have to go along with it.

"I mean, if you wanted to try, then I guess that maybe we can go on and see what this is like. I mean, if they are willing to accept me, and they are willing to make me feel welcome, then I think that it could be worth the chance." After Seth said that to me, I was seeing him sort of looking like he was unable to believe that he had admitted to something like this. That he was willing to go along with a plan to hang out with a bunch of random girls.

"Just know that what I am going to be doing with them might be a bit strange for you, and you might not be ready for anything like this." I was saying, mostly meaning it, but this was also my one last attempt to see if I was going to be able to get him to change his mind on this. He was looking at me, and he was wondering what I was going to be doing.

"There are some things that I think Gabe might be up to, and I feel like I need to just go along and see what it is. I feel like if I look hard enough, and I see what is going on with him, then I can learn why this is happening, and learn the truth of this town." After I was telling Seth this, I was seeing him looking much more serious. As if thinking that now I was suddenly going crazy, and that I needed to somehow get a grip on reality here.

"Listen Lydia, I might be interested in knowing the truth to this, but I think what you are doing might be a bit out of your league. I think that you are just going to need to be leaving this alone." After he was telling this to me, I was looking right at him, and then I was feeling like I just needed to sort of find something to say to make it different. I was sighing, and decided to counter act what was happening and what he was saying.

"Don't you want to know what he is doing? Don't you want to know what he is doing, and then be able to finally put behind this whole idea of uncertainty behind you? You know, finally just have the answers that you wanted? The answers that you need." I said, and I knew that I was probably going to be pushing this too far. But I did not care what he was thinking. He was looking at me for a moment longer.

"I do want to know what is happening. I think that I just need to know that you are going to be keeping yourself safe on this whole thing. Can you be able to promise me something like this?" After he had asked me this, I was seeing him looking scared, and I was feeling like maybe I needed to reach out to him more now.

"I am going to be fine. All we are doing is just looking around stuff. We would never do something we were not sure was going to be fine and dandy. Please, just give us a chance." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like maybe I was going to be seeing him change his mind on this, and that by doing this, I was going to be on the right path right now. I was seeing him slowly nod.

"I mean, I would like to finally just know what he is up to. Do you think that this will give us the answers that we need? You know, to finally just have an idea if what he is doing is for the best?" He was asking me, and then I was looking at him, and I was wanting to do badly just get him to see that I knew what I was talking about. That I was having this all planned out from day one, and that he was going to come along.

"If you are not into this very much, then all that I ask is that you never reveal what you know to anybody else. Once you do something like that, you will finally help me out." I said, and then I was thinking about what it would be like if Seth was at my side, and if we were going to be a team, that was not only going to place the answers at rest, but be able to sort of just move on from everything happening.

"I will want to see how it is. Please just let me try this out. I want to do this. I hope that I know what I am doing." After Seth was saying this, I was seeing him slowly nod, and then he was looking like this was his own calling in a way, and that this was the only thing that he had wanted to be doing. I was seeing him just sort of getting together his nerves, and I was feeling like I just needed to be patient with him a little bit longer.

"Let's head on out right now, and just get there as soon as possible. I think that this might be working out just fine." After I was saying this to him, I was feeling like he was going to be sort of seeing where I was coming from, and that I was going to finally get a good ally at my side. A sibling who would be there to protect me, and learn the truth as well. It felt too perfect.

As we were about to be starting to heading out, we looked around to make sure that nobody was around. We were about to open the door and then leave when I was just getting over it, and then we were walking out of the house, and then I was hearing a person calling out to us. I was turning around and seeing Jack placing his arms on the rails to the stairs of the house, and he was looking like he was just feeling a small amount of sympathy for this situation.

"Trust me, you do not want to be getting into this. I know exactly what is happening right now. I have seen some of this stuff. I would rather just have you let Gabe be taking care of all of this. Gabe would rather have you do that too. I agree with him." He was saying to me, and then he was looking at Seth and I. I was seeing both of us were just confused as to what Jack was talking about as he was walking down the few steps to come closer to us.

"You are pretty much discussing throwing everything away because of some witch hunt. He has every right to be doing what he's doing. I saw everything." Jack was saying, and there was something about the tone of his voice that was showing that he was not lying to us. He knew everything that was going on, and I was feeling like I just needed to see what was happening, and then get my answer that way.

"Can you tell us what he is getting himself into?" I asked, and then he was shaking his head rapidly. I was seeing that whatever he was aware of, whatever he knew, was scaring the crap out of him, and that I just needed to finally just at least look at all of the pieces of evidence that was going on right now. I was wanting to just get to know how he was feeling at this.

"I can't tell you anything. I will never let you guys know what he saw. I will never let you guys know what I have seen. And if you are going to use your friendship with Claire and those other two girls to pretty much just exploit them, learn the truth, and then get some smoking guns on my brother, then I feel like maybe you are going to have to truly access your friendship with them. Are you friends with them really?" Jack asked, and then he was looking like he was truly wanting me to be honest here.

"Of course I am friends with them. Why would I not be friends with them?" I asked, and then I was seeing Jack looking right at me, and then he was looking like he could not believe that I was being this naive about this. Then he was taking a long and deep breath, feeling like he was just needing to get me to see it his way, and that he was going to pretend to be nice about this.

"Because of the fact that you do not know anything about them. I have not once seen you talk about them in a way that makes you show that you know a damn thing about them. You just let this stuff be done, and you do not seem to be showing any remorse at this whole thing." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him clearly looking like he was wanting to see what I was going to tell him, and if I would argue with him.

"Maybe we just can ask Claire, and see what she says about it. If she says that we are friends, then that is all that you need to know." I said, and I was trying to hide my annoyance with the way that he was speaking to me. I really did not appreciate what he was doing, and I was feeling like I needed to find a way to show him. But despite this, and not wanting to admit it, I was thinking that maybe there was some truth to it.

"I am sorry, but I feel like this whole thing is just a terrible idea. I mean, I want to be helping you feel better. I would not mind knowing the truth. But that was until I eventually learned what would be coming from it. Now I take it all back. I take it all back." He shook his head, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more. But was too scared to do it.

"But that does not mean that you should force us to not look into it." I said, and then he was shrugging, as if feeling like what I had said was half true, and that he needed to think about that a bit more before he continued to be saying anything else. I was just wanting to see what he was coming from, and what he was wanting to do.

"You know, I would agree with you. What is going on here is none of my business if you look into it on your own. If you want to figure this stuff out, and do that as a side hobby, I can't stop you. That is entirely your choice. But I can't let you go around and force others into this. If they do not want to do it, they do not want to do it." He was saying to me, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more here.

"How about I ask Claire what she thinks, and if she agrees, this will be the way we do it, and if not, then I will leave it alone. And if Seth wants to, he can come, and if he says no, then he will just go and be alone while I do this." After I was saying this to him, I was looking at him, wondering what he was going to say to this. I was looking at the two siblings, wondering when the darkness of the situation was going to be too much for us.

...

-Dec 20 1993 5:15 pm- Once I was at the house, I was having the worst panic attack of my entire life just looking at that door. I was scared that if I asked, Claire was either going to straight up tell me she did not like me, or she would lie about it, and then I was unsure of if we were actually friends or not. I was really feeling like something like this was quite possible. I hated this whole thing, and I was feeling like I was just needing to accept it all.

I knocked on the door, and I was feeling like no matter what was going to happen, since I did care for the way that she would be doing this, and I was feeling like either way the answer was going to be the most important one in my entire life, no matter what. I was just telling myself to be getting this over with, and not to be making a deal out of it.

"How are you?" Claire asked me when she was looking at me, and I was seeing her looking excited to be seeing me, but she was sort of wanting to see what the heck was going on here. I was feeling like no matter what she was going to be saying, I needed to just sort of talk with her, and just get really serious about what was happening right now. Not be making a fucking jokes or uncertainty on this.

"I was fine until about an hour or so ago. Then Jack told me that he was pretty much unsure of if we were even friends or something like that. He was feeling like there was a good chance that you do not like me, and that I had only been using you." I said, and then I was angry at the way I was talking, but I was feeling like I was just needing to be speaking to him and being honest. But then I was just needing to be seeing how I can change this all.

"Why would he be thinking about something like that? What makes him think that he can ask around, and pretty much be deciding what our friendship is like?" She was actually sounding kind of upset about this whole thing, and I was holding my hand up, trying to be feeling like maybe I was needing to be giving her a chance to sort of hear what his perspective was.

"Because he knows what we are looking into. Not just the fact that I was wanting to learn more. But he actually has some information. He clearly looked too scared to be going along with this, and I was wanting to help him out. But he was telling me that I was only using you, Lily, and Rosa to learn more. He feels like I am not being a true friend here." I was saying, feeling like I just needed to see what was going on here.

"Well, I mean, do you believe that this is true? Do you personally feel like you are only using us to learn about what your brother is doing? I mean, I know that you were clearly interested in something like that. But I mean, I know that you are having other things that interest you, and I know it is not the only thing you are interested in." After Claire was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was trying her best to be making me feel better, but had no idea how to do so.

"But should I be letting that come along more? I mean, the persona where I am showing other people that I care and all that stuff. I mean, I just want to be helping people out, but I feel like if it is personally putting everything I have with my family aside, then I think it is not worth it." I said, and then I was feeling like I just sort of needed to be seeing where this was coming from in my own way. I was just needing to see what was going on right now.

"I just want to be able to show you guys that I care about other things. And if that means that I can't look into this any more, then I guess that I will just stop doing it. I just feel like I need to finally get over this, and that I need to be letting people just sort of choose what they want to do. I want them to choose if they want to be going into this, or if they want to be leaving this friendship, and leaving this investigation behind." After I was telling her this, as calmly and patiently as possible, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to say something else. But that she was feeling like there was no point in it.

"Well, I think that you are doing the right thing by finally letting people have a choice in the matter. I think that by doing that, you are showing a great level of restrain here." After she was saying this to me, I was sort of feeling like maybe I was just going to have to be keeping this whole thing up.

"And if somebody does not want to be helping you out, then I think you will just have to be accepting the fact that they do not like it. That you will just either have to stop talking to them, or stop talking about this with them." After she was telling me this, I was nodding, and I was feeling like I did not need to be going along with this. I was shaking my head when I was hearing this, feeling like I did not need to be hearing this, since the point was already made.

"When I am thinking about this, and thinking about what everybody wants to be doing, and telling me, then I feel like I am just going to have to be on my own, and not let the others get in my way on this. I think that this whole thing just might not be worth it in any way, and I am sort of feeling that now." I was saying, and then I was sort of just thinking about this whole thing, and I was feeling like I was going to have to accept all of the routes that are ahead me right now. But in a way, I was just over it all.

"I am fucking scared of all of this stuff. All of my friends and family want to know what is going on, but every time somebody has a chance to know what is happening, they all run away, and pretend like this is not going on. People pretend like this is just a stupid little bit." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just going to be needing to sort of get over it all. I know that I say that a bunch, but when I was dealing with this situation, at that moment, it was all I was thinking.

"I mean, I just think that if I do not learn the truth, it will be eating me alive. But hurting my friends, and hurting my family members, that will be eating me alive even more." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like this was the best that I was going to be getting out of this. It was the only thing that I could get be getting here.

"Well, what about the truth do you even care so much about anyways? I think that you need to be thinking about that better. I think you need to understand why you are wanting to know so badly, and then that can give you some answers." Claire was saying, and then she was looking right at me, and I was feeling like maybe I was needing to actually think about that more. I was needing to sort of get over it all. To sort of just come up with some idea on what to be doing now.

As I was ready to be giving a answer that I thought would be honest, I was seeing something I was scared of. A black car where I was seeing two men in black talking with each other for a moment, and I was feeling like maybe I was just going to have to be seeing what the hell was even going on. I was feeling like maybe I was just going to have to drop the subject right away. To give me some idea of what was happening.

...

-Dec 20 1993 6:45 pm- I was seeing Claire looking like she was wishing to find something better to be doing to sort of bring it all together. I was feeling like it was entirely my fault, and that I just needed to fucking accept the fact that this was going to be the worst spot that we were going to possibly be in. I was hating the fact that we were going to be meeting these two men right now.

The two guys were getting out of the car, and I was seeing them both looking like they were ready to just make our lives miserable if they were needing to. I was feeling like no matter what was happening, I was needing to at least just sort of keep it to myself. I was feeling like I just needed to not be angry with this guy, and that I just needed to be careful with what he was doing right now.

The guys were looking at Claire and I, and then they were thinking about the best way that they were going to be speaking to me right now, and that I was just going to be telling him the truth. I was seeing that they were looking ready to just make our lives miserable, but there was a call that was being made, which made them stop what they were doing, and they were just looking as if they were wanting to sort of get it over with.

"I have the two girls on sight. We plan on asking them all that they know, or we will be forcing it out of them. We do not plan on causing any real issues. Just knowing what they are getting themselves into." After the guy was saying this to the phone, I was seeing him looking like he was just sort of wanting to be speeding this process up, and get it all over with before they even really started with this whole thing.

"Why are you asking me to back down? I mean, we literally have the answers right here. We know what they are up to. We know what they are trying to plan. We got a chance to talk with them more." After he was saying this to the phone, I was seeing him looking a bit worried, and then he was seeming to find something to say to try and counter act whatever the guy on the other line was wanting to be telling him.

"I promise that I will not be asking them any questions that will hurt them. I am just going to be asking a few simple questions on what they know, and then after I am done, I will be getting to know their perspective here, and then I will be leaving this alone." He was saying, and I was seeing him just clearly not wanting to go further with this right now. I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to continue with what was going on. But had no idea what to be doing now .

Eventually he was hanging up the phone, and then he was looking at Claire and I. "We just need to ask you some questions on what you know about this town. That is all that we want to know, and once we are done, we will be leaving you alone, and we will sort of just go on our own way. We will not harm you in any way." After he was saying that to us, I was seeing him looking like he was al most wanting to be proud of the fact that he did not need to hurt us, since he would learn the truth anyways.

"Why do you need to talk with us in the first place? We literally know nothing at all." Claire was saying, and then I was seeing her looking scared out of her fucking mind. "I have no idea what is going on, and Lydia does not know either." Claire had been letting her fear get in the way, and I did not blame her for feeling this way, and deep down I was feeling terrible for what was happening right now.

"I know that you have no idea, but Lydia over here... I think she knows something, but is not willing to tell me. I think that we are going to be having a nice and long discussion going on here, and we can sort of come to some form of agreement here." He was telling me, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be saying more. But then he was just sighing, thinking that there was nothing else to be saying now.

"What do you even want? It is all my brothers doing this. If you care so much what is going on, just talk with them. They know everything. I literally know nothing. I want to know more, but I think that if I did, then I would only be making things harder for everybody else." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering if he had any idea what the heck was going on right now, and then he was just sighing, kind of clearly over all of this stuff.

"Listen Lydia, I have no intention on forcing anything out of you guys. Can you at least tell me something that I will be able to use to help along." After I was being told this, I was brutally tempted to try and tell them about the tree house. I had felt like the tree house was the only thing that would keep this whole thing going, and the only thing I could be able to tell them.

But as this was happenig, a second car was pulling up. I was scared of what was going to happen, since I knew what would be going on if whoever was in that car would try and get in the way. I knew that Claire was looking more excited. Which broke my heart, because I was well aware of what was going to happen.

I was seeing another black woman, who looked to be in her late twenties, and she was looking scared out of her ever loving mind at what this man was doing. The second man in black was just standing at the outside of the car, sort of waiting for something to happen. I was aware that this was Claire's mother, and I knew that no matter what was happening, it was going to ruin Claire's life, and now I really did know that I was the monster for doing this to her now.

As she was starting to run towards the two of us, to try and help Claire, the guy near the car took out a gun, and called out right to her, to try and give her a chance on this, to make her get out of here, and be able to see that this was a bad idea. "We are just casually having a conversation with her. We have no intention on doing anything of harm to them. All we need is for her to just tell us what we need to know." After the guy was saying this to her, I was then feeling like I was having no choice to keep us safe, but to break down.

"There is a tree house. I have no idea what is in the tree house. I just know that it exists. I know that it is where a lot of people like to hang out. Please keep us out of this. I have no idea what is happening, and I have no idea what my brothers are doing." I said, and then I was holding up my hand, and then I was feeling like maybe with this, I could be able to keep all three of us safe. Claire's mother was scared beyond comprehension, and I was wishing I knew how to save her.

Turns out, it did not matter after all. Before any of us could give another word, the guy with the gun was given a nod of approval by the guy who was talking with us. Before Claire's mother even had half a second to process what was going on, the guy shot a bullet in her head, and killed her instantly. Then after that, the guy who was talking with us gave us a serious look. "That is a sign of our contract, that we had this discussion. If it turns out you lied, I will go after one of yours next time." The man said to me, and then they walked along, skipping the body, and I was watching Claire wanting to fucking scream but she was too busy putting her hands over her eyes, to cry and make it look like she was not doing so. With that, something I had no expectation for happened, but boy when it did, I was certainly going to try and stop it now.

I was seeing Todd's car driving by like crazy, and then ramming into the car which the two men in black were coming from. I was looking right at Claire, and the moment of grief and mourning was instantly cut off with the fact that neither of us were expecting this. I was especially not expecting to see who was in the drivers seat, since Todd was the only one who was legally allowed to drive with a license.

I was seeing that Seth was the one who was driving, and I was just confused for a second, and then after that was over, I was seeing him looking like he was unable to believe what he was doing as well, and that he was wishing that none of us ever brough this up, to not get in trouble with the law or with Todd. I was seeing him looking like he needed to be getting us into the car and then we would be heading off now.

"What the fuck is happening?" I asked, and then that was when I was looking at Claire, and I was aware that even if this was really not the best timing, that this was much better than being a person given the chance to just get murdered. I knew that after what had happened, neither one of us were wanting that, and that we were dealing with it later.

We were walking on towards the car, and then the two men in black were ready to be doing something, but the one that one of them had was flown off several feet away, and then before anybody could react, Jack was getting out of the passenger seat of the car, and then he was holding a baseball bat that he started to use to beat up these guys.

Even though I knew that my brothers had the bets of intentions, and I was never going to be angry with what they were doing, I was just too scared for something happening to them. I was then seeing Seth looking horrified at what was happening, as Jack was beating these people enough to make them seriously hurt in his time, and then when he was done, or getting his point across, as he was feeling, I was sort of just trying to understand what was going on.

Then I was inside of the back of the car, and Claire got in right away. Jack gave one more whack to both of the men, and then he was running inside with the baseball bat. Then Seth was starting to speed up way more than the speed limit, and then he was driving for a bit, until we reached the house, and would be able to discuss what the hell was happening there, and I knew that no matter what, we were not going to be getting out of this, and that we just needed to get this over with. Then with that, Seth locked the doors, and I was seeing him just looking like we were needing to be getting to the point now.

"What the hell happened? And don't give me any of that stuff that you don't know. Just tell us the truth, and we will see what to be doing next. And I will not be telling anybody what we just went through, since I do not want the family in our business on this." After Seth was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was actually almost mad at me, and that this was all my fault.

In a way, for the first time ever, I was starting to see that maybe this was my fault, and it took all the way until a person got murdered for me to see this. But then I was answering as if I had no idea what to be feeling right now. "We were talking for a bit, and then these two guys showed up out of nowhere, and we were forced to talk with him, and then we told him about some tree house. And then after that, the car showed up, and then you started to beat the tarnation out of that duo." I said, and then after I was saying this to them, I was seeing Seth and Jack looking like they could not believe that any of this was actually happening in the first place.

"This is fucking insane. What are you going to be doing about this? I mean, you are seven years old, and you act like you are going to be solving a grand old mystery. I can't possibly be able to pretend like this is a good idea, and I feel like you need to actually get off your high horse and realize that we are in a lot of trouble right now." Seth said, and then he was looking right at us, and I was seeing for the first time in my life, that he was not even willing to pretend like he was giving me a chance to get out of this here.

"I thought nothing was going to be happening out of this. I thought that there were no way that they would have cared about us." I said, and then I was looking at Jack and Seth, and then I was seeing that both of them were looking like they could not believe that this was happening, and I was seeing that they were just trying to find a way to fix this.

"There is nothing that we can fucking do about it now. I think that maybe we just need to find a way to be making this all come together. I think that you guys need to strictly promise to not be getting in this anymore. That you will let it go." He was saying, and I was seeing him looking like he was willing to just make his position very clear here.

...

-Dec 20 1993 11:30 pm- When I was sort of wrapping up for the night, I was back where Claire's house was, and I was seeing her looking at me. She was looking like she had no real idea what to be saying. I was feeling like I just needed to find some way to be getting this over with, and that I just needed to be able to get her to feel like I was sorry for all that was happening. I was feeling like this was the worst thing that I had ever done.

"Claire, if you do not want to hang out with me anymore, or you do not feel like you have any idea what to be doing, and you do not want to look into this now, then I will understand, and I will be able to just leave you alone forever." I said and then then I was just needing to be finding something else to say. But I was not wanting to stop her from whatever she was going to be saying to me, and I was feeling like I deserved it for once in my entire life. That I was sort of just getting used to this fact.

She was looking at me, and then she was taking a long and deep breath, feeling like she was finally able to be making a response on this. "You just couldn't leave it alone. For some reason, you were going along and dragging this out to hell and back. You were feeling like you were actually doing something good here. But now that you are acting like you are a voice of justice, that is just false." She said, and then I was seeing her looking like she was ready to just break down. I knew that I deserved whatever she was going to be telling me, and that she needed to just get it over with.

"But you do mean well. You do have good intentions. I just wish that I was able to be able to see it where you came from. If I cold do that, then maybe I would be able to make a difference. I think that something is going on here." After she was saying this to me, I was feeling like nothing else would have mattered. I was just needing to be a man and listen to her for once in my life.

"I need some time to know what I need to do to get the truth. I need some time to decide where to go." Claire was then looking right at me in the eyes, and then I was seeing her looking like she was submitting herself to fate on this next bit, and I was feeling like there was nothing that I was going to be able to do that would change her mind on all of this. I was feeling like whatever she had to say, was going to be the worst thing in the world, and that I just needed to hear her say this, and then be done with it.

"I want to be able to continue to hang out with you. It is not your fault. If your brothers were still doing this, they would have been leading to you anyways. This whole thing was bound to happen. Even if I hate to admit it." After she had said that to me, I was seeing her looking like she was just sort of accepting fate, and accepting reality to the whole thing. I was smiling at the fact that it had seemed like she was not rejecting me, but still sad over what was going on.

"I think that we should continue to be looking into this. At one point, I would have said that we should not. At one point, I would have argued that you should not be doing this. But now that we have all this stuff going on, and I know that something will happen if we don't, then I feel like we just need to do it." After Claire was done with this, I was then feeling like we were now going to be finally having our path ahead of us. I was feeling like the path was all that we needed to work on. I was feeling like even if my brothers did not get it, they would have just accepted the fact that this was my own stuff.

"I think that if you wanted to stop though, and put this all behind you, then I think you would have every excuse in the world what is going on." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to be sort of seeing what the heck was happening. I needed to be seeing what I could say to change this all in my favor. I was feeling like I just needed to wait a bit longer here.

"But even if I wanted to stop, I could not. I would want to know what is happening, why this is happening. But that being said, I think we do need to wait at least. You know, until we have actual ideas." Claire said, and then she was smiling the most she possibly could in the situation, and I was feeling like maybe this was a miracle that she was even giving me that. "I mean, I do not want to create a suicide run."

After she had said that to me, I was nodding, feeling like this was something I was certainly going to be able to give her. I was feeling like this was the very least that I could do, and that I just needed to grow up, and I needed to be seeing what the heck was going to be making this go along. "Yes, I will do my best to make sure this does not turn into a suicide run." After I was telling Claire this, I was seeing her looking happier at this whole thing.

"As long as we are on the same page, and we do not go around like crazy, then I guess that I will be fine with this. I mean, I think that this is the least that I could be able to do here." After Claire was telling me this stuff, I was looking at her, and I was feeling like we were just sort of needing to be seeing what the hell was even happening at this rate, and I was wishing to at least have a start on what was supposed to be happening. If I had a start, I would make a solution.

"Claire, what the heck are we going to be doing now? I mean, maybe we can tell the others what is going on. You know, Rosa and Lily. I think they deserve some knowledge on this. I feel like I just need to get this together. I am just sort of unsure on what I am feeling now." I said, and then I was feeling like maybe I just needed to keep this together. I was feeling like almost none of this was even going to be having a solution that was even going to matter now.

"Just tell them that we are going to be sort of going slower now. I don't know. Keep my family out of it. Please keep the sob story out of it. Dad will come home tonight. He will know what to do." After Claire was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking like this was the one thing that I needed to give her. Even though I did not know who her father was. She never mentioned him before, and I was feeling like there was certainly more to this than she was wanting to let me know here.

"Do you think he will be able to help you?" I asked, and I was feeling like that was going to be the best way I was going to be able to look like I was having a idea on where to be heading here. I was feeling like maybe when I was going to hear from her, what was going on, and how her father was, then I would have a good idea on what to be doing now. I was thinking that whatever Claire was going to tell me, I would be able to sort of know what was happening now.

"Lydia, I would not worry about him. He's barely around, but he provides the money of the house. He knows what he is doing. Please do not drag him into this. I need at least one of them to stay. I barely know him, but I love him enough to not want to see anything happen to him." Claire said to me, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to give her whatever she was wanting, and that I was finally aware of how serious this was going to be for her.