Author's Note: ...
Ed, Edd, Nazz, and Rolf stood near the front door with a grinning Kevin behind them as they marveled at the spruced-up abandoned house. The fire place roared with brilliant flames to illuminate the foyer, which had been dusted clean to reveal beautiful wallpaper, intricate wood paneling, and a bloodstain from a cold case murder that was never solved. Several pieces of furniture were set up around the sides of the room, such as a recliner with a piss stain on the cushion, a couple of worn beanbags, and a huge couch with enough room for three and a half butts to sit on it. In the back of the room, Sarah and Dutch waved at their new guests as they stood on each side of a boombox that blared music. Ed jumped away from the group and landed face first in the middle of the dance floor as the country music blasted loudly from the back of the room.
"*Guffaws* no more being a wallflower for lothar ahahaha its time to teach these heathens how we do it in the badlands," Ed declared before flipping to his feet and doing some sort of ritualistic shuffle.
"The son of a shepherd cannot allow a challenge to go unaccepted!" Rolf stated before dragging a for once eager Nazz toward the dance floor. "Let us show the finger-licking-good Ed-boy how we dance to country music in the old country!"
"Rock on, Rolf! I have a cheer routine for any song, even ones made by overrated country artists!" Nazz said in elation as her and Rolf joined Ed in an awkward teen dance contest. Rather than shame himself and his entire ancestral line on the dance floor, Edd stood by and giggled at his friends because he was too much of a bitch to bust a move. He jumped a bit when Kevin threw an arm over his sloped shoulders.
"Yo sockgeek, I know just the thing to loosen you up!" Kevin said as Edd gave him a reluctant grin.
"Oh my, I'm not sure anyone is ready to see how crazy a glass of lemonade can make me!" Edd replied as Kevin lowered his shades a bit.
"I was talking about a light beer, but if lemonade gets you tipsy that might be too hard for your weak ass," Kevin said matter-of-factly.
"That wouldn't be very wise, we're all minors here! In any case, I'm all for breaking out of my shell but I wouldn't feel very comfortable consuming alcohol around Sarah and Dutch!" Edd said as Kevin nodded, the pitiful excuse not surprising him considering who he was talking to.
"Alright prudegeek, how about I meet you in the middle and we go grab you a shot of cherry punch?" Kevin suggested in unadulterated disappointment as he began to lead Edd by the shoulders toward a doorway to the dining room.
"I think I can handle that! As long as you're better at counting sugar cubes than Eddy, that is..." Edd said as they entered the dining room to be greeted by a smiling hippie superhero holding a mop with a traffic cone on the end standing behind a dining table.
"Oh boy, finally I have company! Being alone in here with Bob and his rants about hot asphalt burning his feet is enough to drive anyone bonkers!" Jonny greeted as Kevin led the ultra lightweight class wrestler to the table.
"Don't you mean Traffic the Wondercone, Melondork?" Kevin corrected as Bob glared sternly at Jonny for revealing his secret identity.
"And I also meant to say how much I loved his thoughts on showing up in court to fight off speeding tickets!" Jonny said quickly to soothe Bob's wounded pride, fearing the loss of another sidekick so soon to his big mouth.
"Only slowdorks who can't handle the fast lane get stuck with those. Anyway, the Masked Stumbler here will have the hardest shot of cherry punch we got," Kevin ordered.
"I don't have a shot glass! The only thing I have smaller than a plastic cup is this thimble that failed sidekick tryouts!" Jonny answered before holding up Titus the Thimble.
"A whole thimble?! Are you sure you don't have something more my speed, like an eyedropper?!" Edd asked nervously as Kevin mouthed "what the hell" next to him.
"Come on, I know you can handle a fucking thimble, bro! Knock it back and you're at jerk status as far as I'm concerned!" Kevin reassured as Edd lit up at the chance to elevate his social station.
"Very well but please have a chaser ready for me in case things go south!" Edd replied as he steeled himself. Kevin ran a hand down his half-pipe of a chin before reaching behind him and plucking an arrow with a jujube on the end from the wall.
"Shove this damn candy in your cheek to dull the harsh flavor then," Kevin said as Jonny meticulously poured punch from a ladle into the thimble like an alchemist smithing gold.
"I'm not sure a glob of sugar is the best thing to absorb the impact-" Edd began before being interrupted by Kevin grabbing him by the throat. The jock forced him to slurp the jujube off the end of the arrow before tossing it aside.
"I'm throwing you an assist before you make yourself look like anymore of a pussy!" Kevin growled before grabbing the thimble and lifting Edd's head up. He poured the contents of the thimble down Edd's throat and threw it back to Jonny before shaking his head like a drink mixer. The strung-out wrestler gulped the punch and jujube down at the same time before wiggling as a chill ran up from his feet to the top of his head.
"How do ya feel now, Double D?" Jonny asked excitedly as he watched sparks shoot out of Edd's tear ducts.
"Like a frustrated young bull ready to mount a waiting bovine!" Edd cheered as his pupils shrunk to the size of fleas. He suddenly grabbed Kevin by the shoulders and shoved his eyes against the jock's shades. "Which way to the dance floor? Quickly now before the feeling passes and I regret everything I'm about to do!"
"That way you spastic nerdjerk!" Kevin replied as he jabbed his finger back into the foyer.
"You have this nerdjerk's spastic appreciation!" Edd answered back before charging out of the room and doing ten back flips onto the dance floor to join Ed, Nazz, and Rolf.
"Way cool! I wish my tolerance was that low!" Jonny laughed out as Kevin tapped his fingers on the table.
"No kidding, I don't think we need to feed Double Doorknob any special ingredients if a tablespoon of sugar makes him dork around like he's in a mosh pit," Kevin stated as he watched Edd clothesline invisible opponents in the foyer.
"*Guffaws* lothar is humbled at the mumblers technique ahahaha now witness how he takes the heads of those who dare defy him," Ed proclaimed before swinging his spatula around him, narrowly missing Nazz and Rolf's vulnerable throats.
"Let's make a total tactical retreat, dude! I could use a break anyway, me and sweat mix about as good as me and isolated alley ways!" Nazz suggested as the business end of Ed's spatula whizzed by her jugular vein.
"To the haven of the siren jar!" Rolf replied before pulling Nazz away from the hazard zone and toward the boombox, where the Dutch and Sarah stood dressed in their cupid attire with amused expressions on their faces.
"Guess you two couldn't take the heat!" Sarah commented as the two approached. "But that's my big bruvvy wuvvy for you! He's the deadliest dancer ever!"
"I think your bruvvy wuvvy could wipe out a fifty-strong biker gang with those dance moves, dude," Nazz joked as she checked her body for spatula wounds.
"Are you guys enjoying the party so far?!" Dutch chimed in, excited at the chance to do something other than shuffle through the same few tapes of detestable country tunes.
"Is that even a question, Dutch dude? Big Kev's parties are always a hit with me!" Nazz replied as she shook her pom-pom above her head. "Especially since I don't many parties to compare them too!"
"We really do have a small sample size," Dutch said in realization. "None of us are all that great at making new friends!" Suddenly Sarah nudged Dutch in his side to draw his attention the strange look that Rolf was giving both of them.
"Everything alright Rolf? If you don't like the music I think we have a tape of extreme bagpipe solos you might like!" Sarah offered as Rolf narrowed his eyes.
"Rolf can stamp a foot to any melody, she-who-blows-gaskets, so long as Rolf's backside is free from the sensation of the unwanted thrust of a wooden shaft of love!" Rolf answered forcefully as Dutch and Sarah stared at him.
"As long as you don't turn your back on me, you don't have to worry about my wooden shaft of love thrusting anywhere near your backside!" Dutch said with a dirty grin.
"Rolf shall hold you to that promise, else he will have to wring you out like Nana's soiled bloomers!"
"I feel pretty wrung out already, dudes! You guys packing any refreshments? Whatever Double D had, I'll take about ten shots of it!" Nazz interjected.
"You didn't hear it from me, but somehow a six pack of my dad's beer ended up in the dining room!" Sarah answered as she cupped her hands behind her back. "If anyone in a position of authority asks, it was Ed's fault!"
"That's so cool of your brother to take the fall like that! You guys really do trust each other now!" Nazz doted.
"Exactly! Now when I blame Ed for anything I do wrong, it's straight from the heart!" Sarah said with an insane smile.
"And now Rolf and Nazz-girl are heading straight for the dining room to unload Rolf's crock pot of delectable wonders!" Rolf stated while turning away.
"I think you mean Rolf and Suzette are heading straight for the dining room!" Dutch corrected before winking at Nazz.
"Right on, little man!" Nazz said as she waved her arm in front of her face and her Suzette bag appeared over her head.
"*Guffaws* now aint that the shits ahahaha my squire got his hands on suzette before lothar could make her his prisoner of love," Ed complained, stopping his tribal shuck and jive to spy on Rolf leading Nazz by the arm toward the dining room.
"If that masked floozy isn't shaking her posterior on the dance floor, then the Masked Mumbler won't waste a stray brain cell worrying over her!" Edd stated in a flurry as he did the lamest jig imaginable. His sugar-fueled epileptic dance fit was halted temporarily when he spotted the banner hanging from the second floor banister.
"*Guffaws* aw snap ahahaha is the sugar crash landing already," Ed asked somberly.
"I'm not sure if it's a sugar crash or sugar high scrambling the higher functions of my mind, but does that banner seem just a tad odd to you?" Edd inquired as he cocked Ed's head up toward the banner.
"*Guffaws* lothar cannot decipher such glyphs ahahaha u know i can only read english if its in form of a text bubble in a comic"
"Does Dutch need to crank the music up some more or are you guys tired of dancing already?" Sarah asked as she walked over to them, abandoning a fuming Dutch to suffer disc jockey duties by himself.
"My humiliation won't be complete until the eventual throbbing migraine sets in, so no! I was just curious about why that banner is welcoming me home? I don't recall ever leaving the Cul-De-Sac unless you count the numerous times Ed and I left a trail of tears in the junkyard these past few days!" Edd sputtered out as he struggled to remain still while the sweet cherry punch elixir still flowed through his veins.
"Because Kevin took out a mortgage on this house so you could set up your own private lab!" Sarah replied.
"Oh my sweet lord, really?!" Edd asked as he almost shit his leotard in excitement. "I-I don't even deserve such an honor! I've hardly even been Kevin's friend for two days and already he's chosen to bestow such a tremendous gift upon me! I-I have to go thank Kevin with a platonic kiss on the lips this instant!"
"As much as I'd love to see that, I was just kidding! We just ran out of room on the banner for Ed and Eddy's names!" Sarah teased innocently as she waved a hand at him.
"Oh. I really don't mean to be a wet towel, but that isn't funny at all, Sarah," Edd stated as cherry punch welled up in his eyes.
"*Guffaws* da fuck it aint ahahaha my baby sister sure knows how to crack a rib," Ed sputtered out in between chuckles of delight.
"Give me a minute alone with you, big brother, and I can crack a lot more than one rib!" Sarah said gleefully before giving a sympathetic pout at Edd. "But I'm so sorry if I hurt your feelings with my pranky wanky, Double D! If it will make you feel better wetter, I'll dancy wancy with you!"
"That is so darn sweet of you, Sarah! I would be honored to have your hand for a dance!" Edd replied before extending his hand toward Sarah. Ed suddenly inserted himself between Edd and his sister before clearing his throat.
"*Guffaws* arent u forgetting sumthin," Ed asked in a shockingly mature tone.
"A-Ah yes, of course! May I please have your permission to dance with your young and impressionable sister?" Edd asked nervously as Ed leaned toward his face and gave him a hard once over with his judgmental eyes.
"*Guffaws* access granted ahahaha u may enter when ready," Ed answered cheerfully before grabbing Sarah by the shoulders and shoving her into the lanky wrestler's arms.
"Let this cute little cupid show you how to really shake it for Friendship Day!" Sarah said as she began to fling a screaming Edd around the dance floor as if she was trying to break every bone in his body.
"*Guffaws* now that double dee and sarah are distracted ahahaha time to make my big move on suzette," Ed said as the first step in his scheme was completed.
"Whoever finishes the first bowl of succulent delight from Rolf's crock pot shall prove his manhood and be worthy of taking over Rolf's farm if he should ever perish in the line of duty without a worthy heir!" Rolf challenged. Kevin, Jonny, and Nazz stood around looking at the squirming half-cooked creatures crawling around inside the container sitting on the yucky crap section of the dining table.
"Seeing as I'm not a man, man, Suzette is tapping out!" Nazz reasoned quickly before backing the fuck up as far as she could while still chained to Rolf.
"I ain't drunk enough for this shit, so looks like Melondude is here to save the day," Kevin added before electric sliding over to an ice chest full of liquid courage to grab another can.
"First I get stuck with waiter duty, and now I'm working as a garbage disposal!" Jonny complained as Rolf slapped a hand on his shoulder.
"Rolf is no fool, he knows it will not be an easy task for one who grazes on grass!" Rolf comforted as he dug his thumb into Jonny's shoulder blade. "But remember the deed that hangs in the balance! Rolf would not even be offended if you turn the farm into a petting zoo as long as he is not around to see it!"
"Do it for Victor. Do it for Wilfred. Justice for the voiceless oppressed critters worldwide," Jonny whispered to himself to gather the courage to go through with breaking his fifteen year vegan streak.
"*Guffaws* oh boy now is lothars chance to dare to compare ahahaha," Ed said when he suddenly barged into the dining room and headed straight for the yucky crap section.
"Devour the morsels quickly, Jonny the wood pixie, or else Rolf will be forced to entrust the witless-fuckaninny Ed-boy as his inheritor!" Rolf panicked before grabbing a charred banana slug from the pot and forcing it into Jonny's hands. "Eat! Rolf commands it!" the foreign football star ordered as Jonny trembled with the banana slug an inch from his mouth.
"*Guffaws* u dont have to command me twice ahahaha," Ed said before shoving his face into the pot and slurping the contents up all at once. Kevin chugged a beer so that the alcohol could force the bile back down his throat. "*Guffaws* lothar looks forward to receiving the deed to his new holdfast ahahaha im readin the obituaries every day now," Ed stated to a catatonic Rolf.
"R-Rolf only hopes the dignity of his chickens shall be spared if such a day comes to pass," Rolf said before uttering a silent prayer to Yeshmiyek.
"*Guffaws* there wont be a shred of dignity between those cluckers when lothar is done pillaging ahahaha," Ed replied before looking at the banana slug still hovering in front of Jonny's mouth. "*Guffaws* u gonna finish that captain melonhead ahahaha lothar left room for desert"
"Desert's all yours, buddy!" Jonny said before stuffing it into Ed's hands. "Now that was a close call, eh Traffic the Wondercone?!"
"Need something to wash all that good shit down, geek-at-arms?" Kevin asked as he cracked open his fourth cold one of the night. "I got plenty of brewskies if you want knock a couple back, bro!"
"*Guffaws* beer me kevin ahahaha i shall toast a cup of mead to victory," Ed replied before gobbling up the squirming slug.
"Since I didn't have to put my tongue on any of that gross shit, I'll toast to this victory, man!" Nazz chimed in as Kevin tossed her and Ed a couple of cans.
"*Guffaws* even better ahahaha i get to toast with the apple of my eye"
"You will admire the apple from a stone's throw away, bottomless-pit Ed-boy!" Rolf stated as he jiggled the iron chains bonding him to Nazz.
"Chill out, man! One toast with Ed isn't enough to break these chains!" Nazz said before tapping her can against Ed's. She lifted her Suzette mask high enough to take a swig with Ed. The two of them finished their beers in one gulp before crushing them against their foreheads.
"*Guffaws* one toast aint enough ahahaha but one swing is," Ed said before slashing the chain into pieces with a chop from his spatula and grabbing Nazz's arm.
"What have you done, Ed-boy?! This chain was once the mark of slavery and was passed down among Rolf's ancestors for generations!" Rolf lamented as he wept manly tears over the remains of his heirloom.
"On one hand I'm happy to not be a trailer on a hitch anymore, man, but I'm sorry to hear about you being descended from slaves in your old country!" Nazz comforted while snuggling Ed's arm in appreciation for her new found freedom.
"Descended from slaves?" Rolf asked as he stopped sobbing. "Don't make Rolf stifle his chuckles! They were from the first slave Rolf's family ever captured!"
"*Guffaws* and now suzette is my tango slave ahahaha lets git to da dance floor before sarah finishes destroying it," Ed cheered before dragging Nazz out of the dining room.
"And I'll be right behind those two so I can make sure Ed doesn't start dry humping Nazz on the dance floor," Kevin interjected before grabbing another beer so he could have one in each hand like a real man.
"What do ya mean I should change my name to Captain Weeniepants?!" Jonny asked Bob suspiciously as Kevin left the room. "Like you could handle even a whiff of Rolf's cooking! All you've done is pop tic-tacs all night, tough guy!" he argued as he shook his mop violently.
"Dancing with you is like dancing with a rag doll!" Sarah said before giggling like a schoolgirl. She swung Edd over her head before holding him close.
"I certainly feel like a rag doll... and like orally evacuating all of my stuffing..." Edd choked out as Sarah swayed with him side to side.
"You two better evacuate, man, because we're here to show you up!" Nazz said as Ed brought her onto the dance floor.
"*Guffaws* shake ur hips with me suzette ahahaha so that i can unlock my wild barbarian spirit," Ed cheered as he spun Nazz around like a spin top.
"Nice move, big brother! Lemme try it out!" Sarah said before spinning Edd around while he screamed at the top of his lungs.
"Choice!" Kevin laughed out as he stood to the side watching.
Sarah and Ed stopped playing with their human spin tops when the doorbell rung out. The four eccentric dancers all froze like they had been stoned by a gorgon as they stared at the door in surprise. They all turned their attention to Kevin, and the jock stared back at them for a moment before gazing over at Dutch, who swallowed a gulp of anticipation. Dutch turned his eyes over to Rolf and Jonny, who were peeking out of the dining room in curiosity.
"Someone who isn't me should get that!" Sarah said to break the eternal stone curse. She cocked her head toward Kevin and he let out a breath of air.
"Right, I'm the host so I'll answer the damn thing," Kevin said before beginning to walk toward the door. Kevin knew that he and everyone else were thinking the same thing - either that was the final Ed-boy coming to join them, or it was the three terrorists from Park N' Flush finally arriving in all their bodacious barbarity. As Kevin reached the front door, Ed and Edd looked at each other - both of them hoped it was their friend. Eddy said he was coming and they both badly wanted to believe him. Especially since it would be a lot easier to deal with the Kankers if they at least had Eddy there to support them. When Kevin opened the front door, that faint hope was murdered in the cradle.
"You know me and the girls hate to interrupt this good time everyone was having!" Lee Kanker announced as she, Marie, and May walked in past Kevin the door guard without paying a cover charge. "But we're here to make it a great time!" she added with a smile that slowly crept up one side of her face.
While everyone was busy finding their own way of dealing mentally with the arrival of the Kankers, Ed and Edd stared at them in stark fear and studied every inch of the girls. It felt like ages since they had last seen their rambunctious stalkers back during the incident in the woods. It was strange seeing them once again, especially since they had actually decided to honor the theme of the party. May was dressed up in a school teacher costume with her hair pulled up into a bun and a ruler gripped firmly in her hand. Marie had an orange bandanna pulled over her hair, two prop ammo belts wrapped around her midsection, and a twisted golf club as a substitute pirate sword. Lee had on a white wedding dress with a pink bow tied around her midsection and had a bouquet of flowers held in her hands. Their costumes were almost worse than the Kankers being there themselves - each costume was a reminder of a bad memory the Eds had with the Kankers from when they were kids.
They were only memories all the same.
"Don't start crowding all at once," Marie commented as she patted the end of her golf saber on her palm. The kids all continued to stare at the Kankers despite Marie's brilliant sarcasm.
"*Snort* dis iz mad awkward lmao lets go stuff our faces so da party peeps can cool off," May suggested, her two sisters shrugging in response.
"Sure, but that means you get an F for Fat, May!" Lee joked before shoving her sisters toward the dining room.
"*Snort* and u get an a plus for asshole plus bitch lol," May quipped as she and Marie were shoved by Lee past a quivering Rolf and Jonny into the dining room. As soon as the Kankers were out of sight, the air of dread was sucked out of the room so fast it blew up Nazz's skirt.
"It feels like the Grim Reaper just walked through this room," Edd stated, eliciting a chortle from Sarah as everyone calmed the fuck down.
"Lucky us that no one dropped dead then, huh?!" Sarah said cheerfully before slapping Edd on the back and knocking a disc out of place. "Thanks for the dance, Double D, but I'm gonna go make sure Dutch still has his hearing after standing next to that boombox for so long!"
"Sarah's not the only one who needs a break, big man!" Nazz said before letting go of Ed's hands. "I think I'll go and-"
"Dance with Rolf? Great idea, Nazz-girl!" Rolf interjected before grabbing hold of her and waltzing around in a circle with his recaptured teenage wife.
"*Guffaws* lothar cant hog all the gewd lookin gals ahahaha time for a solo," Ed said to cheer himself up without Suzette's warm embrace before dancing in place.
"Damn, I know this is a fake party and all but I sure hope I get to dance with Nazz one time..." Kevin muttered to himself as he started on his fifth beer. He heard someone blow on a dog whistle only he could hear and turned his head toward the dining room where he saw a blue-haired pirate waving him over. "This oughta be good..." he whispered before walking over to the kitchen. When he entered the dining room, he saw May flicking chocolate covered bonbons into her mouth with her ruler while Jonny stood to the side and rubbed his shoulder, clearly not knowing what he should be doing right now since she was serving herself.
"*Snort* u look liek a movie star kevin lol u get a b for badass," May complimented before sensually sucking a bonbon off the end of her ruler. Kevin grinded his teeth together before turning his attention to Marie and Lee, who were both giving him the stink eye.
"What do you want? I kind of have a party to host and don't have time for a fucking staring contest," Kevin complained.
"If this was a staring contest, we would win. Perfect record, bitch," Marie replied as Lee approached Kevin and stopped a few paces from him.
"You can get right back to walking around in circles without a girl on your arm in a minute, but I just had a lil question for ya, big host man," Lee began calmly before digging a finger hard into Kevin's leather jacket. "I ain't nowhere near as good at math as Double D is, but I'm pretty damn sure I can count to three. And I only count two boyfriends instead of the three we ordered up!"
"*Snort* shit me and marie aint complainin lmao u got our orders rite," May interjected before lapping at her chocolate-stained lips with her tongue.
"Shut up, May," Lee said.
"Yeah yeah, I know that feebdork Eddy ain't here, but I don't know why," Kevin responded as Lee continued to press her finger harder and harder against his chest. "All I know is that Ed and Double D told me his bitch ass would show."
"That's because Ed and Double D are so trusting. I like that about them," Marie said before running her hand up the length of her golf saber. "I can't wait to bust that trust like a hymen."
"I'd like to bust all three of those dorks' heads myself but I can't fucking snap my fingers and make Eddy appear," Kevin replied as Lee stopped drilling her nail into his upper body.
"Fuck I wish I could!" Lee laughed before putting her hand on her hip and taking a whiff of her bouquet. "But if Eddy doesn't wanna show his short sexy self at your shindig, let him stay a no show! He'd probably just get in the way and make this goofy revenge thing harder than it needs to be!"
"*Snort* just liek we made eddy harder than he needs to be lol," May said before pulling her ruler back and letting it wiggle back and forth.
"No May, we made Eddy as hard as we need him to be," Marie replied before snickering. Jonny held his mop close and averted his eyes from the group in shame.
"I'm not down with all these shitty metaphors about Eddy's baby dick, so let's talk about that goofy revenge thing," Kevin bitched before adjusting his shades. "Melondork over there picked up the shit you asked us to and its ready to rock and roll. When do we actually use the stuff?"
"We'll get to that part in a lil while! I say we all enjoy the party for right now!" Lee answered as she lowered her bouquet. "Me or one of the girls will let you know when the time is just right!"
"Shit I'm itching to fuck over those dorks but I'm down! I still gotta get that dance with Nazz anyway!" Kevin stated before taking a sip from his beer. "What are you femdorks gonna do in the mean time? Stay in here and keep Jonny company?"
"W-Why would you even say that, man?" Jonny asked as he snapped back to attention.
"As funny as that would be, I'd rather mingle with the guests," Marie said, prompting Jonny to let out a swoosh of air from his mouth like his head was a deflating balloon. "Usually people just run away from me but now they're forced to talk to me or it would be rude."
"*Snort* ditto lmao," May chimed in.
"I hear that! But you girls better behave yourself or I'll use that ruler to measure my foot to size it up for your assholes!" Lee commanded before grinning at Kevin. "With all that bullshit settled, you should run along before everyone thinks you're in here hitting on us!"
"Goddammit," Kevin muttered before looking down at his beer in fear. "I better stop hammering these back or that might actually fucking happen." With that, Kevin departed from the kitchen to leave the Kankers with delicious food and a shivering Melonhead.
"And now I think the sugar high I was surfing on is finally ready to crash into the shore!" Edd declared as he stood panting next to Ed after they finished a round of Irish step dancing in the foyer.
"*Guffaws* take five brother man ahahaha lothar is pleased u lasted this long," Ed complimented before prancing away to dance next to Rolf and Nazz to wait for an opportunity to cut in.
"Yes! A break! That's precisely what I need!" Edd said to himself as he patted at his neck with his gloved hand to wipe off the perspiration. As he cleaned off the labors of the mambo, he noticed Kevin walk back into the foyer while sipping on a beer. "Excuse me, Kevin! May we speak for a moment now that I'm of sound mind again!"
"Sure, I ain't got anything better to do," Kevin said and he meant it.
"I was just wondering, were you hitting on the Kankers in the dining room?" Edd asked as he stopped in front of an instantly pissed Kevin.
"Fuck you Double D," Kevin blurted out.
"O-Oh my, I wasn't trying to insult you!" Edd sputtered out. "I only meant that I wouldn't judge you in the least! I-I'm sure they have their qualities that would be attractive to a man with your keen eye for beauty!"
"I do have a knack for scouting out babes, but just because I'm wearing shades doesn't mean I'm fucking blind. You're not pawning off your girl problem on me, bro," Kevin stated resolutely before knocking back the rest of his beer.
"Drat. Knowing the Kankers, do you blame me for trying?"
"No. No I fucking do not," Kevin replied, temporarily feeling sorry for Edd now that he's spent so much damn time around the Kankers.
"That's a relief! Now if you don't mind, I need to run to the bathroom! I need to squeeze my leotard free of sweat before my musk fills this entire room!" Edd said before walking off toward the staircase at the back of the foyer.
"Hand over the fudge bar, May, or I'll play putt putt with your teeth as my golf balls," Marie threatened as May held her ruler out to protect her chocolate prize.
"*Snort* theres a whole tray of them marie lmao just take one of those," May said as the two of them locked weapons in the middle of the dining room with Lee and Jonny as their confused audience.
"I touched it first and then you snatched it away. Do you want my finger germs in your mouth?" Marie asked as she thrusted her golf saber toward May's heart and she dodged to the side.
"*Snort* bitch u know ive had worse than ur fingers in my mouth lol," May shot back as she tried to knock Marie on the head with her ruler but Marie parried the blow.
"Good thing I'm here to settle this dickless duel before it begins!" Lee interjected before snatching the fudge bar away from May and chowing down on it.
"Damn Lee, now you have both of our finger germs in your mouth," Marie pointed out as she and May looked at their sister with jealousy.
"Yeah, I can tell because all I can taste is rotten cunt!" Lee cackled before looking over at Jonny, who had just been standing out of their way for the past few minutes. "Alright fuzzball, me and the girls are gonna check out the scene! Make sure no one touches the omelets because we're digging into that fluffy gold when we get back!"
"You can count on me and everyone else to never lay a finger on 'em!" Jonny replied before slapping his hand across his melon helmet as a salute.
"That's a good watchdog! Let's go see what the thumbsuckers are up to, girls!" Lee ordered, May and Marie grinning eagerly as they twisted their hands around their props in excitement.
"My my, it certainly does get everywhere when you're having fun..." Edd mumbled to himself as he finished squeezing his shoes clean of sweat over the toilet in an upstairs bathroom. As far as he could tell, the bathroom wasn't in full working order but Kevin had helpfully left wet wipes next to the sink and Edd couldn't help but appreciate the thoughtfulness. He slipped back on his shoes and walked over to a mirror stained with ancient turd dust to make sure his leotard was back on properly and his balls wouldn't slip out by accident. "There, now you're ready to party again, Double D!" he said cheerfully before turning around and opening the bathroom door. He began to walk up a hallway back toward the foyer while humming to himself, the party having gone so well so far that he was in a chipper mood. He shuddered to a halt when a twisted golf saber shot out from a doorway in front of him.
"Where do ya think yer off to, land lubber?" Marie asked in a retarded pirate impression as she stepped out from a side room and stuck her weapon out toward the now terrified boy. Edd quivered as he stared at the sultry swashbuckler and the playful grin resting on her face. This was the moment he had thought about before this party even began. Well, he didn't think she would be role-playing a pirate in this moment, but all the same: he was alone with Marie Kanker. This is a woman who haunted his every step and his every nightmare. He could put that all to rest right now. But he couldn't puzzle out how to do it in his mind. He didn't know what to say. He realized that it made sense; in these past four years, he had never really talked to Marie before. Asking her to leave him alone and screaming for mercy definitely did not count as talking as far as he was concerned.
"B-Back to my wrestling ring," Edd choked out in a high-pitched voice. He didn't mean to say that but he deducted that he was also suddenly role-playing a wrestler now.
"Going back down to wrestle someone, huh?" Marie asked as she lowered her golf saber slightly, her one visible eye still locked onto his. "How about you wrestle with me?"
"Th-That didn't go so well the last time..." Edd squeaked, his arms locked at his sides like he had an invisible rope tied around him.
"It could go a lot better this time if we make it a different kind of wrestling," Marie breathed out before pressing her lips together to stifle a laugh.
"I-I'm afraid I don't do exhibition matches..." Edd replied, his voice barely a whisper at this point. This was going all wrong. She was toying with him like she always did. Only this somehow felt worse than before. There was something behind her usual teasing that unsettled him greatly. Marie suddenly withdrew her golf saber to her side and gave a light chuckle before reaching out to rest her hand on the wall.
"No need to act like that, Double D," Marie assured him as his eyes continued to bore into hers. "I ain't gonna bite." He wasn't very sure about that and he was actually almost completely sure it was quite the opposite. That she wanted to do a lot more than bite him. It felt like eons had passed since the incident outside of her trailer in the dark, and yet now he was reliving the feeling of punching Marie in the fucking face and- "What's wrong?" she asked as Edd regained his focus. He almost felt like laughing at that question. It was like a hawk asking the mouse in its claws what was wrong.
"Nothing. Nothing at all," Edd replied as he began to calm down, suddenly thinking that perhaps she wasn't about to gag him and drag him into a dark room. "I just want to get back down to the party," he admitted truthfully. He'd rather be back down there among his welcoming friends than alone with an alluring foe. He took a few steps forward but she lifted her golf saber to stop him again.
"Hold on, Double D, can't we talk for a second?" Marie asked before releasing short even breaths.
"Why?" Edd questioned. That was actually a question he could ask Marie about a lot of things.
"Hey, I just don't want this party to be awkward, alright?" Marie answered as her grip tightened on the handle of her weapon. That was quite the statement coming from her in Edd's mind. The party hadn't been all that awkward until she and her sisters appeared.
"Tell me," Edd said as his own breathing became as even as Marie's. "How can this party not be awkward?" The two of them stared at each other in silence now. Finally, Edd thought, he had found something to say to Marie that she didn't have some double entendre to twist it into. Things would be awkward no matter what between he and Marie. Between all three Eds and all three Kankers. The past between them couldn't make the situation any different.
"Just go," Marie relented with a frown before lifting her golf saber and stepping aside to lean against the wall. Edd watched her for a moment in disbelief that he tried to conceal, never having been able to so easily get away from her. He shut his eyes for a moment before strutting silently passed her, not noticing the smile that twisted back onto her face as she watched him leave.
Dutch looked up from his stacks of tapes when he felt a shudder run up his spine. He didn't know what had came over him until he looked up and saw May and Lee watching him from across the foyer with grins on their faces. "R-Right... going to try to ignore that..." Dutch whispered to himself before looking back down at the tapes he was playing with for no reason.
"I can see you two are having the time of your lives," Marie stated as she rejoined her sisters at the side of the room.
"*Snort* lee did say we should check out da scene lol so were checkin it out," May explained while pointing her ruler around the room at everybody.
"What the hell were you busy checking out, Marie? Did you find a loose nail upstairs and decide to hammer it back in with your ass?" Lee asked as she watched Ed jump up and down on a couch while Edd did his best to try to calm him down.
"No that's what we have May's ass for. I stopped to have a little chat with my oven mitt, that's all," Marie admitted. Lee lifted her bangs up to reveal a single angry eye.
"Okay so you were actually busy ruining our plan, huh?" Lee asked sternly to a non-plussed Marie.
"Double D is still here isn't he?" Marie shot back.
"Then what the fuck did you talk to him about? If you were asking him for a loan I don't think he's gonna give it to ya no matter how far behind on rent we are!"
"We talked about wrestling and swashbuckling."
"Alright so you're as much of a fucking nerd as Double D is, got it," Lee teased before lowering her bangs, satisfied with her sister's ridiculous answer.
"Glad I caught you while you were going through the tapes, Dutch!" Jonny exclaimed as he walked over to DJ Curly-Q.
"Jonny? If you're here then who's watching the food and drinks?" Dutch asked.
"Don't sweat that, my sidekick has that all under control! Traffic the Wondercone won't let any baddies escape his dry mop of justice!" Jonny replied before reaching behind his back. "Now I have something I want to show you that I've been saving till this very moment!"
"An invitation for you to attend the highly exclusive Peach Creek Mental Health Facility?" Dutch asked with a gleam in his eye.
"Nah that was in the junk mail last week! I'm talking about this!" Jonny said giddily before revealing a mixtape he had hidden behind his back.
"Gee, that isn't that mixtape I gave you that those technicolor ruffians made, is it?" Dutch asked grumpily.
"Technically it is, but I gave their songs a listen and I got sick of hearing them sing about some asshole named Christopher Robin!" Jonny explained before spinning the mix tape on his finger. "So I taped over all that useless noise with all of my own musical picks!"
"So you want me to play your mixtape?" Dutch asked before throwing an eye over at the Kanker sisters. "I don't think that's such a good idea! The Kankers gave me this stack of tapes and they would probably strangle me with my own bow if I played anything else!"
"Be a rebel, Dutch! Don't let the Kanker man hold you down!" Jonny encouraged as he shook the dainty cupid by the shoulder.
"I'd love to rise up against the Kanker overlords myself, but I think you should ask them yourself!" Dutch responded before taking Jonny's hand from his shoulder. "If they give you the okay, then I'll pop it in the boombox!"
"Do I really have to?" Jonny winced as he looked over at the cackling girls.
"You really have to!" Dutch replied before twisting Jonny to face the Kankers and then giving him a little push toward them. The amazing melon-faced boy sucked in a breath of air to gather his courage before advancing toward the menacingly hot trio.
"Hey guys, I want to talk to y'all about this tape situation real fast!" Jonny exclaimed as he approached the Kanker sisters without kissing their rings first.
"Great. The Burning Man reject is speaking to us again," Marie lamented, prompting her sisters to chuckle like a couple of fuckles. "I think we should talk about birds instead of tapes. How about ducks so we can hear you quack like one?"
"I've decided to move on from that hobby and take up herbal gardening like my folks..." Jonny replied meekly as he held a hand against his asshole as a defense barrier.
"You might be a fucking wierdo but you're just like all the other men out there! Can't commit to something once the times get rough!" Lee complained in a huff. "What do you wanna say about our tapes anyway? If it ain't a compliment you can take it up with May! She's the complaint department!"
"*Snort* please insert all complaints here lmao," May chimed in before opening her mouth and pointing her finger down her throat.
"That's okay! I don't have any complaints, but more like a suggestion! You guys have some tootin' tunes and all, but I made this mixtape just for this party!" Jonny revealed apprehensively as he held up a tape to the Kankers.
"You don't expect us to take anything you touched, do ya?" Lee asked as she took May's hand and used it to push the tape back toward Jonny.
"Come on, this tape means a lot to me!"
"Take your tape and wank off in the corner to it then, you ain't puttin' your hands on our boombox neither!" Lee commanded.
"That's no fun! You guys don't ever give an inch, do ya?"
"We don't give inches, we take them," Marie answered, jabbing a finger at Jonny's solar eclipse head. "Now don't you have some chips and plastic cups to watch over, foodslave? Or do I have to grab a big fucking tree branch to spank your ass back into shape?"
"I haven't been spanked in my entire life!" Jonny protested. "My parents don't believe in corporal punishment!"
"*Snort* we can help you make up for lost time then rofl bend over and touch ur toes," May taunted, getting frisky.
"Forget it! It's clear my funky fresh tunes aren't wanted around here!" Jonny responded, putting the subject to rest in a shallow grave. "I'll just have to jam out in the kitchen with my sidekick where I get a little more respect!" The boy with the elephant head then retreated away from his hecklers, who were too busy cracking up at their own jokes to notice him heading back over to the boombox. Dutch turned his attention away from Ed bouncing up and down on the couch like a trampoline and gave a crooked smile to Jonny.
"I don't know what you said to those voluptuous man eaters to make them laugh so hard, but whatever it was you better tell me too!" Dutch requested before taking a sip from his punch. "I could use some entertainment while I'm chained to this boombox!"
"You're way too young to deal with the kind of dirty jokes those girls are into!" Jonny retorted. "What's important is that they totally said that we could change over to my mixtape!"
"Did they now?" Dutch asked, clearly unconvinced.
"Yo Melondork, I missed you over at the buffet," Kevin interjected as he and Sarah approached with drinks and snacks in hand. "Unless the skanker sisters promoted you to disc jockey, you should be busy serving finger food instead of sabotaging the Anti-Dork Agenda."
"Sheesh, I'll get back to the food in a second! You guys are really trying to kill my party animal vibe tonight!" Jonny shot back, tempted to use the other half of his melon as a plug for Kevin's fat mouth. "I just came over here to change over to this absolutely Kanker-certified mixtape!" He shoved his mixtape into Dutch's hands, knocking his plastic cup out of his grasp and spilling punch all over Kevin's shoes.
"Bro, I don't know what you have against fresh foot wear but I swear if that happens one more time, I'll take your dirty sandals and stomp a roadmap to dork hell in your chest!" Kevin complained while lifting his shades.
"Better save the Jonny beatdown for after this party is over," Sarah suggested as Dutch took out the old tape, stopping the music temporarily. "I still expect front row seats though!" she added as Dutch stuck Jonny's mixtape into the boombox and his finger hesitated for a moment over play.
"Before I hit this play button, you're sure this tape is Kanker-approved?" Dutch asked, a hint of worry in his voice. Before Jonny could answer, Ed did a mega-bounce off the couch and did a double twist in the air before sticking the landing in front of them.
"Go team!" Nazz cheered in the background as Rolf continued to hold her hostage.
"*Guffaws* why did the backwoods banjo music stop ahahaha i wuz finally discovering my inner tom sawyer," Ed complained, Edd soon joining him at his side.
"I wanted to ask about that as well," Edd said as he circled the rim of his cup nervously with his pointer finger. "It was serving as great distraction so that Ed wouldn't start getting into more trouble than he already has! You really don't want to see what he can do to a room if left unhindered for even a second!"
"Don't sweat your dead Ed heads! This is a mixtape I made in honor of all the party goers!" Jonny announced proudly before pulling a piece of paper out of his hidden melon storage compartment. "I used this guest list to choose songs I thought everyone would love! First one is a real toe-tapper and it only gets better from there!"
"First song is for Jonny, naturally..." Dutch said after taking the scrap of paper from Jonny. He pushed play.
"Maxwell's Silver Hammer" by The Beatles began playing. A terrified look formed on Dutch's face as Kevin and Sarah began making cutting motions across their neck. Jonny started doing a little groove back and forth while Ed and Edd just stood there utterly confused.
"Ah! Onto the next track then for Sarah-"
"Evil Woman" by Electric Light Orchestra began to blast out of the boombox, causing Sarah to cringe.
"That one was a fluke! I'm sure Kevin's will be better suited for this party-"
"(Don't Fear) The Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult rang to life from the speakers, Kevin biting his lower lip in response.
"N-No way any song he chose for me can be that bad-"
"Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson rung out, dashing Dutch's optimism.
"W-Well... I'm touched that you at least picked out a song I like," Dutch admitted before hiding his face behind his prop cupid bow.
"What did we just get done saying about fucking with the music?!" Lee shouted as she and her sisters entered the fray. Edd jumped into Ed's barbarian fur for safety and peaked out from inside his collar, the top of his plunger wiggling around and smacking Ed in the face. Everyone stared at the quaking Ed and Edd for a moment as the ditty by the king of pop continued to blast in the background.
"*Snort* not that we care or anything lol this is kevins party he can play all da shitty songs he wants," May said quickly. Lee popped a tater tot into her mouth as a reward for not saying something stupid.
"Before everyone breaks out the pitchforks, I did include some songs for you guys too!" Jonny claimed as he weakly pointed a finger at the Kankers, trying to save this situation before it further spiraled out of control.
"Play the songs he made for us then, Dutch," Lee growled between bared teeth.
"Right... um... May..." Dutch sputtered out before robotically pressing the next button.
"Tainted Love" by Gloria Jones blared loudly.
"... Marie..."
"Poison" by Alice Cooper sprung out from the boombox.
"A-And last but not least... Lee..."
"Master of Puppets" by Metallica played, forcing Dutch to hit the stop button.
Jonny's gaze wandered from the incensed Kankers, to the nervous wrecks that were the rest of the Anti-Dork Pioneers, and settled on a mortified Ed and Edd. Jonny rubbed the back of his melon. "R-Right... I'm going to go back to the kitchen so-"
"Why stop now?" Lee pressed, roughly twisting her bouquet between her quivering hands, petals fluttering down around her feet. "Don't the Eds have a song on there too?"
"P-Play it, Dutch..." Jonny requested as he put his hands over the eye holes of his melon helm in anticipation.
"Your Sweetness is My Weakness" by Barry White began playing. Ed and Edd's eyes widened when they recognized the song.
"This song would bring a tear to Eddy's eye if he was here!" Edd exclaimed excitedly as he slipped out from the safety of Ed's costume.
"*Guffaws* time to swing in honor of our fashionably late pal ahahaha lets stab a rug," Ed said joyously before grabbing Edd by the arm and twirling him around, the two of them laughing like the town fools they are. Everyone else released a collective sigh of relief so strong that it blew up Nazz's skirt from across the room. While Ed and Edd were distracted humiliating themselves on the dance floor, Lee grabbed May's arms and forced her to grab hold of the collar on Jonny's costume.
"You can't see my eyes right now, but they can see you!" Lee threatened as Jonny swallowed a fear burger that was jammed in his throat. "Scare off Ed or Double D and we'll make your asshole the same size as your headgear!"
"Oh man, and I don't even have any more ice left in my freezer!" Jonny whimpered as May let go of his collar and patted him on the top of his rind.
"*Snort* be a good melonface from now on lmao i would hate to break a superhero in his prime," May said affectionately as Jonny wished he had a tail so he could wag it. Suddenly the doorbell rung, and every party-goer turned to stone for the second time that night.
"Did y'all order some pizza or something?" Lee asked her fellow statues. "That's not following the letter of the Decree of Lee!"
"Hell no, catering wasn't on my job description," Kevin replied slowly. "Wait a minute. You don't think..."
"I'll get the door dudes!" Nazz yelped desperately as she finally managed to wiggle out of Rolf's loving embrace. She ran for the entrance as everyone watched her, all of them on a knife's edge waiting to find out if it was the cops checking up on a noise complaint. Nazz ran into the wall before correcting herself and grabbing the door handle. She opened it enough to peek through the crack and began to talk quietly to someone outside. There was a moment of silence as everyone strained their permanently damaged hearing to hear what Nazz was saying to whoever was outside. The music was too damn loud to hear a goddamn thing, so Dutch pushed pause on the boombox. Nazz quickly backed away from the door when it was kicked open to reveal the newcomer.
"Did I f***ing tell you to stop my entrance music?!" Eddy announced from the doorway as he pointed straight at Dutch, who squeaked like a mouse and hit the play button lightning fast to resume Eddy's favorite jam.
"Eddy! I knew you wouldn't leave us out to dry!" Edd cried with joy as he and Ed rushed over to the door.
"*Guffaws* now the real ed bash begins ahahaha paparazzi coming through," Ed cheered before slapping Nazz out of the way and scooping Eddy off his feet into a soul-wrenching hug.
"Like I would miss out the on the first party of my life where I'm one of the guests of honor!" Eddy replied, since even his birthdays were just an excuse for his parents to get wasted rather than give him presents. Edd reached out and patted Eddy on the shoulder, a cute little smile plastered on his face.
"It's good to know that despite my mistake, you were still convinced to join us!" Edd said cheerfully as Ed used the top of his head to nuzzle Eddy's cheek.
"Don't sell yourself short, sockhead! It was your s*** attempt at lying by omission that f***ing convinced me!" Eddy replied before turning his head slowly to give a withering gaze to three irresistible girls standing at the back of the room. "It convinced me that there wasn't one, two, or even three ugly as f*** things that could stop me from coming to this party!"
"Holy hell, that little fucker has some brass balls on him after all," Lee whispered to her sisters, who were as floored as she was that their sex mule had graced the party with his presence.
"*Guffaws* no way we could party like 2012 without the king of the zombies ahahaha," Ed exclaimed before setting Eddy down and admiring the undead Elvis Presley costume he had chosen for the occasion.
"You said it, monobrow! I'm here to blow this f***ing roof sky high baby!" Eddy said cheerfully back before slugging the big brainless boy on his stonewall shoulder.
"Radical man! Now this party is finally gonna pop off!" Nazz exclaimed as she wiggled to her feet and adjusted her Suzette head wrap, Rolf grabbing hold of her before she ran into the fireplace by accident.
"Rolf is elated at the chance to show the dollar-for-a-hollar Ed-boy how to set a house ablaze as well!" Rolf declared as he and Nazz rushed over to Eddy. Slowly the Anti-Dork Saboteurs left their posts to shuffle over to Eddy as well, leaving the Kankers by themselves to watch the spectacle curiously from beside the boombox.
"Bout time you showed up, Eddy! Plenty of food left to still plow down your gullet thanks to Melonhead's watchful eye!" Jonny announced, digging a thumb into his chest. "I'm glad you didn't decide to fall back into your villainous ways either! Would've been a real trip if we had a climatic final battle though!"
"It's been long enough that we're due for a rematch, Jonny boy! Maybe I'll crash your stupid f***ing Arbor Day party and we can duke it out!" Eddy replied charismatically and full of energy, Jonny laughing in response.
"Hey Eddy! I'm glad you're not locked away in your house anymore! You must've been really lonely in there, mister!" Dutch chimed in with a sickly sweet smile.
"I would've been pretty d*** lonely if these two reliable a**holes didn't keep bugging me all the time!" Eddy replied before throwing his arms around Ed and Edd, who were on cloud nine right now. "Nice snake tattoo by the way! You get that done just for this d*** party? That's dedication!"
"T-Tattoo?" Dutch asked as he rubbed his face. He turned to the rest of the kids and they all cheesed at him. He sucked in a breath of air before forcing a smile. "It's just for the party like you said! Gotta go wild to get everyone else wild too!"
"S*** you're learning fast, Dutch! You're gonna be a total p**** magnet when you turn thirteen!" Eddy replied as Dutch's face turned bright red. The zombie rock and roll star turned his gaze from the rest of the kids and toward Sarah and Kevin, who were standing toward the back of the group rubbing the back of their heads. Eddy patted his two friends on the back and they moved away from him for a moment, allowing him to walk over and stop in front of the two silent redhead hotheads.
"How's it going, bro?" Kevin asked simply as he darted his eyes away for a moment.
"Hope it's going good!" Sarah added, struggling to maintain a smile while crossing her arms. Eddy gave both of them a slight smile but his eyes were narrowed at them. It was strange to think he was actually about to make peace with these two kids. Kevin and Sarah were probably the ones out of his Cul-De-Sac neighbors he had the biggest beef with. A beef big enough that it could be used craft a quadruple cheeseburger covered in rage grease.
"You're d*** right it's going good!" Eddy replied as he widened his grin and threw out his arms. Sarah gawked in surprise when he pulled her into a hug. "Glad to hear you and lumpy aren't at each others throats all the time anymore." She slowly returned his hug before gulping down a nervous ball of saliva.
"I couldn't dress up as a cupid of love in good faith if my brother and I were still being so hateful, silly Eddy!" Sarah said, finally finding the needed response after overcoming the horror of having to hug Eddy. She certainly didn't expect to be doing that as part of her gig with the Anti-Dork Tribunal.
"And I'm sorry or whatever for f***ing your gut with my fist, alright shovelchin?" Eddy said after concluding his sweaty hug with Ed's sister. The jock cocked a grin and adjusted his shades.
"It's all good, and I'm sorry or whatever too for fucking your face with my fist, dorky," Kevin said before extending his hand.
"Don't you mean geeky or did ya knock me back down a peg for showing up late?" Eddy quipped as he shook hands with his former bully.
"I did but don't let that bug your shit too much, this time I mean dork in a good way," Kevin replied as they released each others hands. "This party needed at least one dork to show these geeks how to behave, after all!"
"Then I'm at your service, boxhead! Thanks for hosting this thing and sprucing up this s***ty old house by the way, I know it must of been a pain in the a** to mow that lawn!" Eddy joked as the kids all giggled around him.
"It fucking was, I had to use a damn push mower because my dad was giving me shit. Something about how I was supposed to be grounded."
"That's the kind of torture I can relate to!" Eddy laughed before giving a cocksure look around at all the kids. "Before I can show everyone how a dance party is really done, I'm gonna need to put something in my stomach! Ain't ate s*** except ice cream these past few days so I need a taste of real food!"
"I can help you with that, Eddy! Kevin put me on food duty to make sure the goodies are shared equally among the commune!" Jonny explained. "Follow me to the dining room and I'll show you the spread!"
"Come on, Jonny, you wanna be stuck at that table for the rest of the night?" Eddy asked as he raised a finger and wagged it. "Even though having a servant to wait on me hand and foot is a dream of mine, I can handle it! If there's still food left after Ed's already hit the buffet, then I won't make a d*** dent in it!"
"That's alright! I still really wanna help you out! It's kinda cool having a room all to myself anyway!" Jonny reasoned as Eddy began to strut past him with Ed and Edd in tow.
"Don't be such f***ing squares!" Eddy suddenly exclaimed as he whirled around and held up his hands to stop not only Jonny from following him, but Ed and Edd as well. "Stay out here and keep dancing! I don't wanna come back out here and see you all hanging around the walls like some f***ing family photos!"
"Even us, Eddy? I'm so overjoyed you're here that I sort of want to catch up with you!" Edd replied. "I'll tolerate speaking to you even if you're too busy planting your face in a plate of food to really listen to a word I say!"
"*Guffaws* not to mention its time for my second course ahahaha the first course is still squrmin in my bowels," Ed added as he rubbed his tummy through his fur loincloth.
"Stop letting me down and turn it up, boys! My favorite d*** singer is on and you dumba**es are disrespecting his name!" Eddy exclaimed before throwing a fist into the air above his head. "Are you all dumba**es or are you smarta**es?!"
"That's what I'm talking about, man! Suzette and her cheer squad will keep things on fire while you're gone!" Nazz cheered before bending down and scooping Sarah and Dutch up onto her shoulders, both of them holding on to the sides of the blind girl's bag mask for dear life.
"Great! That's exactly what I want!" Eddy said before leaning over to Edd. "F*** I didn't expect Nazz to be the one who went crazy while I was away, sockhead," he whispered, eliciting a chuckle from Edd.
"I think we've all gone just a tad bonkers while you were away, Eddy! But if losing our minds means we can finally all find peace and celebrate this Friendship Day together, then I'll check my brain at the door!" Edd responded.
"Then I can trust you and Ed to party it up with everyone else?" Eddy questioned. Kevin suddenly walked over and threw his arms around Ed and Edd's shoulders.
"You can trust the host to watch over these two dopegeeks for a few minutes!" Kevin answered to a pleased Eddy. "Let Eddy settle in and we'll all get down together!"
"*Guffaws* i thought u would never ask kevin ahahaha lothar shall git down with u first," Ed exclaimed before grabbing hold of Kevin and pulling him onto the dance floor.
"Lemme go, you damn flippergeek!" Kevin pleaded as Ed began to dance with the struggling jock. Edd and the others laughed at Kevin's predicament and Eddy turned away with a chuckle to head to the dining room. He stopped short of entering the room and grabbed onto the door frame before turning his head over his shoulder and looking over by the boombox. The Kankers weren't watching Ed and Kevin tango like everyone else. They were watching him instead with what could only be described as sociopathic glee. Eddy stared back at them without emotion for several seconds before continuing into the dining room.
"That seems like an invitation to join Eddy for a snack to me," Marie stated to her sisters. The music blaring out loudly next to them seemed only a dull thud compared to the steady thump of their heartbeat in their ears.
"*Snort* an invite dont come close ahahaha he was basically begging us to," May snorted as she slightly bent her ruler in her hands in front of her skirt.
"It wouldn't be very nice to turn down some quality time with one of the guests of honor, girls," Lee said before tossing her bouquet down on the table beside the boombox. "We shouldn't keep him waitin', should we?" The three girls crept across the back of the foyer, the rest of the kids too distracted by Kevin finally turning the tables and forcing Ed to waltz back and forth to pay any attention to them.
"Move it, you traffic redirecting d***head," Eddy barked before shoving Bob away from the dining table, the sidekick clattering onto the floor next to him. Eddy then looked over the selection after grabbing a paper plate and judged all the entrants harshly. He finally decided on a few blackened omelets, a slice of cherry pie, and a handful of jujubes to pile onto his plate. He set it down on the table before pouring himself a hearty cup of punch and sitting down in front of it. He took a bite out of one of the crunchy omelets and nodded to himself. "S*** if Dutch really made these I need to pick up some tips!"
"Me and the girls had dibs on those, big boy," Lee purred from the entrance of the dining room. Eddy stopped chewing for a moment to look away from his food and up at the three girls he fully expected to show up to interrupt his private fat boy time. "But considering our special relationship, we'll let it slide this time as a favor," she added as she and her sisters slowly advanced into the room. Eddy swallowed the dry as fuck piece of omelet and began breathing through his nose, though he chose to remain silent as the grave for Kevin's motorcycle.
"*Snort* thats alright u dont have to thank us rite now lmao u can let us unwrap that present in ur pants later on to pay us back," May teased as she her sisters stopped at the opposite edge of the dining room table. Eddy ran his tongue against the back of his teeth, the pressure of finally having to face his three grinning stalkers after all this time building up like a stomach cramp.
"Ain't so talkative right anymore, huh? I guess you already know all that smooth talkin' you did to your friends out there isn't gonna work on us," Marie taunted, planting her golf saber on the dining room floor and leaning on it like a pimp cane.
"*Snort* dont listen to marie lol sum smooth talkin can git u a gewd grade in my class," May joked before pushing her ruler against her chin and squeezing her fists around the end tightly. He continued to take their lewd barbs quietly but didn't avert his gaze from theirs. He just looked at each of their faces as they taunted him. He had to face this head on now or they could easily make his attendance to the party an absolute pants-shitting nightmare.
"Think you're gonna unnerve us with the silent treatment? I already know why you're pulling this dumb mute act, little man," Lee began before beginning to walk toward the right end of the table, sliding her nail along the edge of it as she went. "You're so damned scared that one of us is gonna let someone in on our little secret," she revealed as she stopped at the end of the table and gripped a corner roughly. Eddy began to grit his teeth. Of course they already knew exactly what the issue at hand was. All the moments he prayed they would just act like dumb sluts all the time, they would always pull a flying carpet out from under him eventually.
"Were you afraid we would tell Ed and Double D about our little secret?" Marie asked as she began to circle around the table the other way. She lifted her golf saber as she walked and pressed it across her chest. "Pirate's honor, Eddy. We would never spoil all the fun left ahead like that. None of us want to see your two best friends think less of you in the end just because you decided to have a good time with us." Eddy's breathing sped up as Lee and Marie began to round the ends of the table. His eyes locked right in front of him when May sat on the table edge across from him.
"*Snort* we missed our bedbug so much lol if we told anyone our little secret then the real fun would be over before it began," May said before swinging her legs onto the table. She started to push bowls and platters of food aside to crawl across the table toward him.
"Real fun?" Eddy asked May with a tiny bitter smile. "If we ever had any real fun, it was over before I knew about it."
"That's more like the Eddy I wanna hear from!" Lee replied instead, his broken vow of silence only egging them on. "That's what the real fun is, dreamboat! Getting to hear you run that clever little mouth of yours!" she said as she began to walk toward Eddy on his side of the table.
"You think anything you b****es could do will ever shut me up?" Eddy questioned as he leaned back in his chair, May getting awfully close for comfort.
"We found plenty of things to do to shut you up. Things, ways, positions, you name it. They were all pretty fucking good at making you quiet," Marie taunted, her breathing becoming uneven.
"None of that worked, you scene b****. I'm still talkin' ain't I?" Eddy quipped before reaching down into a pocket on his costume pants and digging around.
"*Snort* wut are u diggin around down there for lmao did u bring us all a toy to play with together," May asked before wrapping her fingers down around the underside of the table in front of Eddy.
"I was lookin' for this so I could give it back to you sl*ts for your litter box," Eddy replied before pulling two halves of a sex slavery contract out of his pocket and shoving it toward Marie, who had stopped to his left. May and Lee's sex drives sputtered out momentarily as they watched Marie grab the crumpled paper and stare down at it with a mortified look.
"Damn it, Eddy. This was a legal masterpiece you ripped in half. No funny loopholes to slip your little naked body through," Marie lamented as she tapped the two halves together.
"Yeah, except the f***ing funny loophole I tore in it!" Eddy retorted before sliding his chair back and standing up. "Now can you d*** Kankers at least leave me and my friends alone until this stupid party is over with?" he demanded while turning his head to look at the three of them. Lee cackled in delight before giving a toothy grin.
"Our fuckbuddy is so tough, ain't he?! You're so adorable when you're tryin' to stand up to us! You think shredding one of Marie's repurposed job applications is gonna make us actually leave you alone?" Lee questioned before leering at Eddy.
"Not forever, but maybe that over there will make you stop for a little bit," Eddy stated harshly as he jabbed a thumb over at the dining room entrance. The Kankers all looked away from him and jumped a little when they saw Ed and Edd staring nervously at the scene before them. Eddy gave a smug yet relieved grin as he relished the Kankers hover there in stasis, not knowing how to react to the other two Eds actually deciding to check up on Eddy. He knew they would come knocking eventually, especially if they noticed that the Kankers were missing.
"Th-This is the stupidest question I have ever asked in my life, b-but is everything okay in here, Eddy?" Edd said meekly as he asked the stupidest question he had ever asked in his life. Ed suddenly slapped his hand over his eyes and elbowed Edd's arm before pointing at May on all fours on top of the table. "Gah! That's not the party favor I wanted to lay my eyes upon!" Edd cried before slapping his own hands over his eyes.
"*Snort* wut never saw a teacher discipline a student before lol," May asked in confusion before craning her head behind her. She suddenly pulled her skirt back down over her enormously fat bottom and blushed with an embarrassed smile.
"The only thing that wasn't okay was May's f***ing wardrobe malfunction and that's all taken care of, sockhead!" Eddy cracked before side-stepping and sliding his chair back under the table. His friends uncovered their eyes now that the underskirt peepshow was over but obviously weren't convinced. "Me and these ball-busters were just talkin' about how great Dutch's omelets are!" he explained before walking over beside Lee and tugging on the bow wrapped around her midsection. "Ain't that right?" he asked as he shot each of them an angry yet pleading look.
"That's exactly what we were discussin' while surrounding Eddy like a buncha starvin' vultures!" Lee said on command before grabbing Eddy's hand and slapping it against his face.
"*Guffaws* then why is the teacher flashing the class on the desk ahahaha usually dis is da part where a school resource officer kicks in the classroom door," Ed asked reluctantly before gripping Edd's plunger handle, images of the dark dimension beneath May's skirt still freshly scarred into his mind.
"Because May was so impressed by Eddy's review that she couldn't wait to try them for herself," Marie replied happily before stuffing the ruined sex contract beneath her orange bandanna. She then grabbed the bun on top of May's head and slammed her face against the plate Eddy had prepared. "See, this fatfuck didn't even want to put a bib on first."
"C-Clearly she didn't want to practice any other basic requirements of table etiquette either..." Edd whispered before looking over at Eddy, who seemed on edge beneath the charismatic mask he was wearing. "I-Is this really all that was occurring before Ed and I walked into the room? N-Nothing else at all?"
"*Snort* yep lol," May managed to choke while chewing on chunks of burnt omelet.
"Absolutely, Double D," Marie replied before leaning her golf saber on her shoulder.
"What else didya expect?" Lee reassured. Edd took in a breath, trying his best to avoid directly saying anything to the Kankers up until now.
"While I'm sure I can trust every word that comes out of your mouths, I was asking my friend Eddy," Edd replied with emphasis on the second part. Eddy surprised everyone with a quick laugh before running his hand through his purple wig.
"You guys don't think I can handle my own d*** self, do you?" Eddy asked coyly.
"*Guffaws* of course not eddy ahahaha double dee is the only one with a handle here," Ed answered before flicking Edd's plunger mask.
"W-What Ed meant was that there are..." Edd began before running his eyes across the Kankers, who all returned half-cocked smiles at him. "Well there are certain situations where the support of friends is invaluable no matter how competent you are."
"You're right, sockhead..." Eddy admitted before looking off into the corner of the room. It was just them and the Kankers in here by themselves. No one was listening or watching. He could take all the air out of the Kankers' threats right here and now by spilling the "little secret" himself. So why didn't he?
"Hey Ed and Double D, you guys coming back?" Nazz's voice yelled from the foyer. "I think Kevin wants a dance with the Masked Mumbler now, man!"
"What the hell did I do to you tonight, Suzette?!" Kevin voice complained. That right there was why Eddy couldn't spill the secret. He couldn't ruin this party, especially not in the middle of it when everyone was having so much fun.
"But you're dead f***ing wrong about it right now!" Eddy declared, giving great relief to Ed and Edd who had been privately thinking about throwing burning logs from the fireplace at the Kankers to save Eddy from mortal danger. "In fact, I'll give you two know-it-alls a quick lesson on how to handle a sticky situation like this!"
"*Guffaws* we must be lucky double dee ahahaha missus may brought in a substitute teacher for us," Ed said as he gave Eddy his rapt attention.
"Watch closely!" Eddy said confidentially, although his heart was actually in his throat at the prospect of the stunt he was about to pull. He suddenly shot his hand out and grabbed Lee's arm to twist her to face him. "Alright, you cinnamon bun hair broad! You and your sisters love givin' me and my buddies such a hard time every week, then how about I s*** where you eat?! You wanna dance, Lee, or are you too much of a f***ing chicken liver to say yes?!"
"Do I wanna dance..." Lee muttered in confusion, she and her sisters stunned at the sudden turn of events. Eddy furrowed his brow to maintain the cocky expression he was giving her, even though all he could think about was strangling the white wedding witch with a bungee cord. Ed and Edd were even more awestruck than the Kankers were, believing that the three groping girls must have threatened Eddy with a triple piledriver maneuver on his balls to make him dance with Lee.
"Isn't that what you want, Kanker? All that chit chat about burnt a** omelets was just you dancing around the issue on those rubber band knees of yours, wasn't it?" Eddy taunted. Lee gave him a devious smile before grabbing his hand.
"You're just too clever for a dumb bridesmaid like me, my cute little hound dog! We'll go dance, but you're gonna lead the way like a real man would!" Lee answered as they tightened the grip around each other's hands until they were practically arm-wrestling in midair. Eddy glanced over at Ed and Edd, who stared at their friend in concern for his mental well-being.
"Told you I could handle it! Now I'm gonna go dance with this Park N' Flush streetwalker before I decide to dive into a bathtub with a toaster!" Eddy said smoothly before pulling Lee around the dining room table and toward the exit to the foyer.
"*Guffaws* i have been enlightened ahahaha u must dance with ur enemies to defeat ur enemies," Ed said, the brilliant demonstration from Eddy now appreciated to its fullest.
"I-I'm not sure I'm so ready to follow Eddy's brazen example myself..." Edd commented as his hands trembled down by his belly. May flipped down off of the table before standing up beside Marie. Then the two remaining sisters whistled innocently while staring at bloodstains from a Tommy gun massacre on the ceiling. "I-I mean... remember what we talked about before, Ed... remember the infinite tongue kiss?!" he sputtered out as he gripped onto the fur from a slain grizzly bear covering Ed's body.
"*Guffaws* dont jam up my nerves now mumbler man ahahaha lothar needs them for what he is about to do," Ed responded apprehensively as he scratched at his spatula with his fingernails to work up the courage. The barbarian blunderer stared over at May the school teacher, a girl he would normally never want a private tutoring lesson from. She couldn't help but take her eyes off the ceiling and return his gaze.
"*Snort* sumthin u wanna ask the teacher mister lothar lol," May asked to push Ed forward before he fucked off to hide in a broom closet.
"*Guffaws* lothar wuz wonderin if missus may wanted to dance ahahaha," Ed spat out quickly before hiding his face behind the flat square of his spatula. May suddenly dug her ruler into the table and used it to pole vault right in front of Ed, causing Edd to scramble into a corner of the room. Ed bravely stood his ground before the spastic gymnastic, not wanting to shame Lothar's name by falling into hysterics.
"*Snort* i usually dont grant extra credit lmao but i will help u git a passing grade," May said before sliding her ruler securely into her hair bun. She grabbed hold of Ed's trembling hand before he could bolt and pulled him next to her.
"*Guffaws* while were out on the dance floor just remember ahahaha the trust between a student and his teacher should never be abused," Ed stated, his voice quivering with every guffaw. He then led his dance partner out of the room while trying to ignore the insane giggling she was doing beneath her breath. Now it was only Edd and Marie left in that dining room jam-packed with misfiring hormones. He hyperventilated in the corner as Marie walked around the dining room table while staring at him.
"Isn't it funny how fast things can flip around, land lubber?" Marie asked before stopping only a foot in front of him. "Before it was awkward for us to be anywhere near each other. Now it would be awkward if you were the only one to not ask me for a dance."
"I-I didn't miss the irony... I-I'm only trying to deal with it before I have a brain aneurysm..." Edd stated as he slid himself against the wall to stand fully erect.
"The only way to truly get over it is to pop the question," Marie pointed out before tapping the end of Edd's shoe with her golf saber. "So go ahead, Double D. Ask this salty seadog for a dance."
"M-Marie... K-Kanker..." Edd began as he shut his eyes. Uttering those two words aloud by themselves almost caused him to jump out of a window to run crying back to the sticky notes at home for comfort.
"What is it? I ain't got all night," Marie teased, strapping her golf saber to her belt before inching closer to him.
"Ah! Hold on!" Edd said before suddenly running over to the table and digging a thimble out from the mess May had made while playing with her food. Marie watched with a unsettling grin as Edd knocked back a shot of punch and whirled around to face her. "Okay let's dance while it's in my system, Marie!" he shouted before running over to her and grabbing her wrist.
"Aye aye, captain cockhead," Marie replied with glee before getting pulled out of the room by the failed amateur wrestler.
"G-Guys, I hope one of you has some medication handy because I sort of lost mine," Jonny droned out as he stared at the unexpected situation on the dance floor. "Because I think I really did snap this time. All the crazy stuff I did before was just me being the regular kinda weirdo!" he added. Kevin, Sarah, and Dutch also felt like popping a couple pills to wrap their minds around the fact that not only were Lee, Eddy, May, and Ed all dancing awkwardly in the middle of the room, but now even Marie and Edd were coming out to join them. Rolf and Nazz gave the new dancers some space, neither one of two wanting to be anywhere near them in case things went south.
"I don't remember a dork-dorkette couples song being on that fucking napkin Lee Kanker gave me," Kevin whispered to his Anti-Dork Co-Conspirators, lifting his shades from his eyes to make sure he wasn't seeing doubles since male and female dorks tended to look pretty similar.
"Jeez, what if they held the Eds up at gun point?" Sarah commented.
"Or they just asked the Eds to dance because the Kankers are their girlfriends?" Dutch suggested.
"I keep telling myself that same excuse to make the doubts go back to the dark place where I can't hear them anymore," Jonny said absentmindedly.
"Don't worry, bro, we've all been telling ourselves that," Kevin replied before knocking his shades back down to rest on the bridge of his nose. "I don't know sort of screwed up dork orgy happened in that dining room, but I don't wanna think about it. I just know that if the fucking Eds are dancing with girls then I fucking have to now too."
"But you're all out of girls to dance with, Kevi Wevi!" Sarah mocked before giggling.
"You're looking like a big piece of girly crap to me!" Kevin shot back.
"You think I would just let a big dummy like you dance with a sweet someone like me?" Sarah asked before turning away. "Gimme a second to think about it and I'll get back to you!"
"I'll give you to the count of five to stop playing around, Sarah, and come dance with me!" Kevin stated before beginning the countdown to dork launch on his fingers. Dutch gasped when he realized he was about to let this opportunity slip down his face like his snake tattoo.
"Forget about Sarah and come dance with me!" Dutch forced out before stepping in between the jock and the tween.
"Dammit, Dutch! You might think like a girl but you're not one, boy dork!" Kevin said angrily.
"But what if I did this!" Dutch replied before jamming his fingers into his cowlick and pulling it back into a ponytail. "Say hello to Dutchette! I'm Suzette's cousin from Lemon Brook!" The pretend girl beamed up at Kevin who suddenly seemed conflicted.
"Holy crap if you actually dance with Dutch over me I will tear your eyes out and use them for badminton practice!" Sarah yelled as she inserted herself beside Dutch.
"I can see you're steamed that a man has to weigh his dating options against a tough competitor like me!" Dutch said coyly as he fluttered his eyelashes at her.
"You sure the dorks won't be able to tell you're not a girl?" Kevin asked as Sarah fell backwards into Jonny's arms in shock.
"I know I can at least fool Ed!"
"One dork out of three is good enough! Let's fuck up that floor, Dutchette!" Kevin cheered before grabbing Dutch's hand and leading him out to the dance floor.
"Me and you can still dance, Sarah!" Jonny offered, Sarah quickly clawing her way out of his arms like a badger trapped in a tangle of barbed wire.
"I told you once but I'll say it again! I will never go on a date with you or your alter-ego no matter how many weird ways you ask me!" Sarah yelled in fury.
"But I'm the only guy left! What are ya gonna do, dance with a desk lamp?" Jonny asked in desperation.
"No, that's stupid! But tell me where Traffic the Wondercone is and I'll do a two-step with him!" Sarah replied.
"Why dance with the sidekick when you can have the mainkick!" Jonny pleaded as Sarah simmered, unwilling to give an inch. "Do you want me to get on my knees here?" She stared at him and sighed. A pissed off grin appeared on her face.
"Yes."
"Please oh please dance with me Sarah!" Jonny begged after falling to his kneecaps.
"Fine but only because you looked good while wearing my brother's jacket!" Sarah finally relented as Jonny planted his lips on her feet. "But if you try to kiss my face like you're kissing my feet, I'm chucking you in the fireplace!" she added before grabbing Jonny by the scruff of his neck and dragging him to join the rest of the impromptu dance club.
"Would ya look at that, Eddy?" Lee whispered to her dance partner as they moved about in a slow circle on the dance floor. "Seems like you and me are an inspiration to all these bozos." The cheap undead Elvis impersonator glanced around him to see everyone was dancing together now that Sarah and Jonny had finished bickering with each other and switched to bickering while dancing with each other.
"F***ing good for them, most of the pigeons in this room are trying their best to be my friends," Eddy whispered back before looking back up at her. "There's three pigeons in here that reek like birds*** though. Too bad I have to dance with one of them."
"Still mad about the two best times of your life that me and the girls showed ya?" Lee questioned.
"Yeah I am. And you meant three," Eddy corrected slyly as Lee's smile dampened a little.
"Yeah. The three good times..." Lee trailed off before biting down on her lip.
"Wait a minute. You know about that? F*** I thought I was being clever," Eddy said as Lee's hands dug into his costume.
"Didya think you coulda lost me that easy in those woods? I didn't interrupt that bullshit my sisters pulled on ya... for some reason I couldn't do it, dreamboat," Lee admitted as Eddy gave her a hard look. "Besides... May and Marie were being so loud even one of your neighbors saw you jokers and they didn't step in to help ya either."
"W-What?" Eddy choked out. No, that couldn't be. One of the kids knew? One of them fucking knew? "D*** it, Lee, tell me who it was," he seethed out. That would change a lot about this party. One of those smiling faces that greeted him when he walked in through the door might not be so kind after all. Whoever it was could try to stab him in the back with that kind of knowledge.
"I don't really know any of these kids, Eddy. I hardly even know their damn names," Lee shot back as the room spun slowly around them.
"But you know their f***ing faces," Eddy retorted.
"Yeah but what does it matter anyway?" Lee asked to break away from the subject. "It doesn't matter, that's what. I fucked up when I let May and Marie have a go at my man without my permission, but you and I both fucked up way before that. There's no unfucking any of that, now is there? So let's just enjoy our fucking dance, hot stuff." She fell silent and Eddy stared at her for a moment. She was speaking his fucking dialect so he understood the logic.
"You aren't gonna stop May and Marie from putting their hands on Ed and Double D either, are you?" Eddy asked before falling quiet himself. Lee just cracked a shameful grin at him and they went back to silence. Even though Eddy hated this stupid orange-haired bitch more than ever now, he at least understood her thinking for once. It was way more screwed up than his thinking was even at its worst, but somehow it was comforting to see it laid out before him.
"*Guffaws* lothar commands his dance partner to keep her hands where he can see them ahahaha," Ed pleaded as he and May twisted around each other. He had to keep a good hold on her arms because she kept trying to embarrass him in front of everyone. He didn't even want to dance with her in the first place, but he had to be strong like Eddy showed him. He had to finally dance with his enemy to defeat her. It didn't seem to be working out very well to him, because she didn't seem to even be half-way defeated.
"*Snort* ever heard of dirty dancing ed lol im trying to mix it up so it doesnt get stale," May claimed before pulling her arm out of his and running her hand up his hip.
"*Guffaws* why do u wanna touch me liek that ahahaha i dont ever do stuff liek that to u," Ed said as she finally forced him to break character. He grabbed her free arm and made her dance like a sane woman again.
"*Snort* u cant be that thick lmao i used to love u for so long so why wouldnt i want to," May asked in slight annoyance, though she relented against anymore grope attacks for the time being. Ed furrowed his brow in slight confusion as he tried to make sense out of what she said to him.
"*Guffaws* dont u mean u have loved me for so long ahahaha what use is the used to in that sentence," Ed questioned when the two watt light bulb in his braincase finally blinked on. She cooled down as if he had dumped an ice bucket on her head and she began to just dance slowly with him. Ed wasn't sure why but she seemed even more frustrated now that she was calmer than when she was trying to grab him all over.
"*Snort* wut i meant was lol well gimme a second," May said as she tried to string together a thought that wouldn't make her sound anymore like a raving madwoman than she already did. "*Snort* its just that ive been angry at u for a while now lol but only recently did i realize it"
"*Guffaws* is it cuz u realized that i dont liek u back," Ed said timidly, the words just falling out of his mouth. He didn't even know where they came from. He was now terrified that May was going to do something horrible to him right there mid-dance. Ed had always thought about the day he could say words like that to his harasser, but he didn't think it would be in the middle of a party meant for him and his pals.
"*Snort* u aint as dumb as everyone says u are lmao guess i dont have to stress over sayin it anymore," May breathed out, Ed simply surprised that she wasn't trying to cut his tongue out right now. He felt a way he never did before toward May: he pitied her.
"*Guffaws* im sorry that i dont liek u ahahaha if it makes up for it," Ed said, not knowing anything other than an apology he could offer the girl. He was being honest about not loving her back. How could he? If it had just been the bullying and kissing from when they were kids maybe he could've at least been her friend. He had nothing against more friends. It never stopped though, even now that they were coming close to full on adulthood. If it wasn't for all these witnesses around them, Ed was sure it wouldn't have stopped right now either.
"*Snort* it doesnt really help me feel better ed lol but ill find a way to get over it soon," May assured him before settling on just wrapping her hands behind his neck for their dance.
"This proves I can be a good girl if I want to, Double D," Marie stated as she and Edd just moved back in forth with each other, their hands holding onto each other's lower backs. Their foreheads were resting against each other, and Edd didn't enjoy being this close to Marie's face. It was better than several alternatives that crossed his mind, so this was actually a best case scenario. "I can also be a very bad girl if I want to. Would you like that?" she cooed out, prompting Edd to shut his eyes for a moment.
"N-No, I don't think I would like that very much at all," Edd replied before opening his eyes again and staring at Marie's face. She had a dream-like expression right now, as if her mind wasn't here and had drifted off into a different galaxy. She snickered before taking one of her hands off of his back and pinching his ear lightly.
"You never know what to do about me, do you?" Marie asked, clearly enjoying being able to verbally toy with him now that he couldn't escape her. "Good thing I always know what to do about you or everything between us would be so boring."
"I-Indeed," Edd said simply as she let go of his ear and set her hand on his side. For a while there, Edd had hoped he actually did figure out what to do about her. Not just her, but her sisters as well. He thought he had it all properly planned in his notebook. Even this very scenario, each of the Eds being able to talk to one of the Kankers while they couldn't take out their baser desires on them, was one he had considered. Here Marie was, only able to taunt him because she couldn't do what he knew she really wanted to do to him. Edd's Adam's apple moved as he let a bit of saliva slide down his throat. What she really wanted to do to him. "C-Can I ask you an honest question, Marie? Since I don't think I will have this opportunity again, I have to ask it now."
"You can ask me anything. If you ask me something good, maybe I'll tell you something good," Marie replied bluntly. He at least appreciated that about her. While she loved to jab at him with vague threats of violence any chance she got, she could sometimes be straight to the point and honest in a very twisted way.
"How should I word this question..." Edd thought aloud for a moment. Marie's grin widened, as if she really did expect a very good question from him with such a warm up. He turned it over in his mind. He didn't want to ask about a specific incident, but he had one he could use to help her understand the question. "I'm ashamed to admit this to you. Since it was you who was responsible... I haven't stopped thinking about what you did to me outside your trailer."
"I haven't stopped thinking about what I did to you outside my trailer either," Marie said before letting out a hot breath that wafted against Edd's chin. He expected her to say something along those lines but it didn't fail to unnerve him all the same. "But that isn't a question."
"Y-Yes, that wasn't the question, but it was the catalyst for one that I can't get an answer to without asking you directly," Edd began before mustering his will. "What do you want from me, Marie?"
"Fuck. That is a good question," Marie admitted before rubbing her lips together. He prepared himself for anything at this point. It could be another innuendo she could spit at him to spare herself any discomfort and shift it all back onto him. "Anything that I can get. That's what I want."
"That doesn't explain anything about your actions toward me," Edd said in frustration. He shouldn't have expected much more from her. Why should he expect a rational answer from someone that always seemed so irrational?
"It does, I'll show you why it does too by asking you a question," Marie suddenly said, interrupting his negative train of thought before he could go on. "What do you want from science, Double D?" Now that was a good question that Edd didn't expect from her, but it hardly fit the topic at hand. So in a way, it wasn't a very good one at all.
"I-I don't see how my answer to that question would help me understand you better," Edd admitted. He never liked to reveal when he was lost like that, but reassured himself that she was being irrational here. "But I'll answer it anyway. I want to help make the world a better place. I don't think you're doing that by harassing me."
"That's not what you fucking want at all from science," Marie spat out quietly yet viciously. Edd widened his eyes, fearing that this might take a violent turn. He was relieved when Marie simply sucked in a breath of air instead of wringing his neck. "You want the same thing from science that I want from you. Anything that you can get. That's why you study everything around you and take all those notes. It's why you have all those stupid beakers, dumb magnifying glasses, and nasty bug collections. You obsess over science but you couldn't tell me why you're studying it." She finished her tirade, completely flushed in the face. He hadn't seen Marie lose her nerves like that since he suckered punched her. He knew it must be hard for her to say all these things. Edd didn't think her analogy was a perfect one, but it did answer his question after all.
"Y-You're completely obsessed with me, aren't you? And you don't even know why?" Edd asked, suddenly feeling very cold and sick to his stomach. The feeling only worsened when Marie let out a chuckle as the red left her face.
"Yep, I don't really know why the fuck I am. That's not the scariest part about an obsession. We have to deal with shit we don't understand all the time anyway. The scariest part is you don't have to love your obsession. In fact, you can love it with all your heart or hate his guts," Marie let out before giving a very plain smile to Edd. He could tell how much purpose she had in wording her answer.
"I-I wish I could help you. Maybe we can talk it over further and figure this out," Edd stated. He didn't know why he felt like that, because in a way he had understood that something was actually mentally wrong with Marie for a while now. He didn't need to be told there was, her actions simply spoke for themselves. He supposed it was comforting now knowing that even she understood how completely fucked in the noggin she was. It gave him the idea there was a chance for her after all. She laughed at him again before cocking her head to the side.
"Giving therapy to the person who's obsessed with you doesn't sound like a very good idea," Marie pointed out before running one of her hands up and down his back. Edd couldn't help but laugh as well, causing her old familiar grin to appear. On the other hand, if they had this conversation four years ago then perhaps it could've been fixed. But now, he really had to stop trying to fix things that were too far gone to fix. In fact, he realized there wasn't a chance in Hell that his own notebook would be able to right this ship.
"I don't think they're buying this bullshit, Dutch," Kevin complained as he maintained safe heterosexual distance between he and his dance partner. "Actually, I don't even know if they give a shit. The dorks are too busy speaking dorkanese to their dork dates."
"Then you broke even! That's still a win, right?" Dutch asked as they continued the most awkward dance on the floor that night, and there was some unbelievably stiff competition in that department.
"Not really, bro. I don't feel like I've been winning anything these past couple of weeks," Kevin said angrily. "What about you, dude? Do you feel like you won the fucking lottery?"
"Well I did get to dance with you so there's that!" Dutch said to Kevin's unending annoyance.
"What about you and Sarah? Can you tell me what's actually going on there?" Kevin interrogated, Dutch's gleeful attitude deteriorating slightly.
"Nothing is going on at all between Sarah and I!" Dutch claimed uneasily. "Don't you have a problem we could talk about instead?"
"We don't have to, my problem is with the Eds and everyone knows that," Kevin said coldly before grabbing Dutch's wrists and lowering them. "Not even someone like me can figure out what's really going on with you and Ed's sister, so that means no one can figure it out."
"I don't see why I have to talk about that either! I think it's pretty obvious she likes me!" Dutch admitted to an unimpressed Kevin.
"Damn dude, a girl likes you. That's a real problem, bro," Kevin stated.
"If you haven't noticed, that is a problem for some of us guys!" Dutch shot back before jabbing a low finger over to the Eds and Kankers.
"That's different and you know it. Sarah can be a mean little bitch but she's not a fucking psycho," Kevin replied before continuing his ridiculous shuffle with Dutch.
"But it's kinda the same! I don't like Sarah back and she won't let me live that down!" Dutch whined before forcing himself closer to Kevin, frightened that Sarah might overhear the conversation. "There's other boys for her to go after in our neighborhood. I don't see why she likes me out of all of them."
"Dutch you spend about every damn day with Sarah. I know you guys are friends, but when you have that much hang out time I'm surprised you don't like her back," Kevin argued, though he didn't try to push the smaller boy away from him.
"That's what makes it so hard. I think I'm surprised that I don't like her back either," Dutch revealed before sighing. "It's strange but I almost feel like I do sometimes. But something won't let me tell her that. I think that's why- well, I should stop there."
"Go ahead, bro. Talking to you beats dancing with you," Kevin said, Dutch gathering his thoughts.
"It's why I even wanted to be a part of this revenge scheme in the first place," Dutch admitted as quietly as he could. "Sarah used to have a crush on Double D, but he never returned her affections. So I thought punishing him for it would make things better. Or at least make me feel better."
"Shit, aren't you doing the same thing as Double Dorkhat did to Sarah?" Kevin pointed out, Dutch sliding a foot around on the floor since their dance had basically come to a halt.
"I guess I'm punishing myself then," Dutch said with a fresh smile, his shoulders suddenly feeling lighter. "It kind of reminds me of that conversation we had before this whole party. About all the things that happened to you recently and who really caused them. I don't think you're punishing yourself like me, but are the Eds really the ones that are your problem like you said?" Kevin clammed up because his shoulders were feeling pretty damn heavy. He clearly didn't want to give a straight answer.
"All I'll say is that I guess I'm taking the easy way out," Kevin replied before grabbing Dutch's arms and moving around to at least look like they were dancing. "But shit, that's what we're all doing, isn't it?"
"Yeah but... with all that out in the open, are we still going through with all of this?" Dutch asked reluctantly as they swayed together.
"Fuck yeah we are. Do I need to court martial your ass?" Kevin questioned.
"I'm no mutineer, so I'm in it till the end too," Dutch said, brushing his doubts aside. Both of them knew now this wouldn't really bring them the peace they were seeking, but they felt some of the stress melt away now that they had leveled with each other.
"At least you're not boring me to tears!" Sarah complimented as she and Jonny practically swing-danced together. "One look at Kevin and Dutch told me all I needed to know about what I would've been in for if I danced with them!"
"Sing it, sister! I think the only duo having as much as fun as us are Rolf and Suzette!" Jonny replied as he shook his groove melon.
"Gosh, you're still going on about Suzette! Do I need to tell you the truth or do I have to spoon feed it to you with some happy pills?" Sarah complained as she and Jonny swung around each other to reverse positions.
"I might have a melon on my head, but it ain't on that tight! I know Suzette is just Nazz with a bag on her head!" Jonny said as he rolled his eyes while rolling his elbows. "I'm tired of pretending like I ever had a chance with her so why not let her walk around like that?"
"Ha! Sounds like something I would let Ed do to humiliate his stupid self!" Sarah said frankly, hoping the music was up loud enough that Ed and his two friends couldn't overhear her.
"Is that why you're going after Ed? To humiliate him?" Jonny asked, Sarah baring her teeth for a moment as the sensation of an oncoming bratty fit almost erupted to the surface.
"So what if it is? He deserves it for thinking he could trick me!" Sarah shot back as she and Jonny pulled themselves toward each other and let the sides of their faces touch so they could make this even more of a private conversation than it already was. "He's never been a good brother to me! So why should I be a good sister to him?"
"Everyone makes mistakes ya know! I mean look at me, I'm a dumpster full of mistakes and I still come out of my shell to face the world!" Jonny related as they tapped their toes together.
"You're not my brother though! I have to be there to live through every one of his mistakes day by day!" Sarah shot back. "If he just listened to everything I said, I wouldn't have to do something like this in the first place! And I wouldn't have to always run to Mom about everything either!"
"Has Ed made more mistakes ever since we started being all fake nice to him?" Jonny asked, prompting Sarah to slow the rhythm of their dance. Her eyes widened a bit but she kept moving despite the momentary goosebumps that ran down the exposed skin between bits of her costume.
"N-No, but I mean- it would only be a matter of time before he did again!" Sarah justified in a fluster. "I mean he even got grounded recently! And- that might have been more my fault, but still- he just... just..."
"Darn, I didn't mean to kill our entire groove! I just was asking too many questions like I always do..." Jonny said to calm Sarah's nerves. "You probably would've been better off dancing with someone like Dutch than me after all!"
"Now you're just making it worse! If you didn't notice, Dutch doesn't even want to be near me!" Sarah complained in a tizzy. "It's not a big secret or something, but I kinda wanted to be his girlfriend! We already hang out all the time so it wouldn't really be all that different!" Her dance partner was taken aback by her admission, not realizing the usually easily set off girl could speak so plainly.
"I think knowing something like that about someone close to you could definitely make things a lot different!" Jonny reasoned.
"Maybe it would, but I don't understand why he couldn't just be my boyfriend! It's almost like he thinks I still have a crush on Double D and thinks he has to compete with him!" Sarah spilled out.
"You're letting it all hang out right now aren't ya? Do ya have a crush on Double D?"
"Yeah I did! Or I do! Or I don't know! I think it's somewhere in between?" Sarah said as another odd sensation ran over her. It was different than the one when she thought about her brother, but just as unsettling. "B-But no way would I have a crush on Double D after that stuff I saw in that notebook of his!"
"I never did see that thing with my own eyes, but it must've been some harsh stuff! Guess you have it out for Double D too, huh?"
"Ed and Double D- really all three of the Eds! Whatever happens tonight, they deserve it," Sarah huffed out, trying to control herself before she let anymore of her feelings show for even a second longer. "I don't even understand why you want Eddy to go down so bad! I mean, I guess we all kind of do but you seem to really want to get back at him as much as Kevin!"
"Well it's his fault I'm running around without my buddy Plank! He crushed our mellow with a ten ton cart of rutabagas!" Jonny complained sourly as he and Sarah began dancing almost nose to nose. "Me and Plank had our own problems and all, but Eddy gets in one bad mood and decides to send us down the path to strangersville!"
"I know that must stink but it sounds like that fathead Eddy actually did you a favor!" Sarah said before glancing over at the person in question. "No offense, but you and Plank could be really annoying together!"
"We could be but he really helped me deal with a lot of things! I've been like a ship lost at sea without him!" Jonny replied sorrowfully.
"What got Eddy in such a big bad mood that he blew up like that?" Sarah inquired, curious because of her own big bad blowouts in the past.
"I think it has something to do with-" Jonny began before pausing and looking over Eddy as well. "Now that I think about it, Eddy really is going through something right now. I really hope Plank and I didn't overreact to it..."
"Does it have to do with that whole locking himself in his house thing?" Sarah asked, her curiosity only growing. She and Jonny locked eyes, and she could tell he was holding a lot back. "Well does it?"
"It does but I don't really want to go into details," Jonny responded before laying his hand on Sarah's shoulder so he could guide her to the music. "But it does have to do with those Kanker sisters that have been helping us out. I definitely can say that." She let out a breath of air and her eyes darted around at Jonny's revelation.
"That doesn't surprise me. I know it's kind of been an open secret that we don't really talk about, but those Kankers are way meaner to the Eds than we ever are," Sarah admitted. "Or maybe meaner in a different way that none of us like to like to say out loud. I sometimes... I sometimes did feel sorry for my brother when he had to deal with them..."
"Yeah well they were really mean to Eddy. Meaner than I've ever seen them be before," Jonny said before losing his will to speak about it anymore. Sarah groaned a bit in disgust, but she didn't really understand what exactly he meant by that. Only that it had to be too gross for her to want to ponder about.
"Do you think it's wrong that we're working with them to get back at the Eds?" Sarah asked.
"I-I do... but we would've done something like this anyway to the Eds even if we weren't running around with the Kankers, wouldn't we?" Jonny said, Sarah nodding in response.
"And I still kinda sorta think the Eds deserve it with or without those stupid girls helping us," Sarah muttered before returning full force to dance duties with Jonny. Revenge didn't seem so sweet to either of them anymore. It almost felt like they had chosen a wrong right instead of a right left. But the only map they had continued to steer them in that wrong direction, so they felt like they had no choice but to take the route to the destination they had journeyed so long to arrive at.
"Rolf dude, I say we slow up the pitch a bit and just enjoy the mood while it lasts," Nazz suggested as the two of them danced off to the side of the room.
"Is Rolf not providing enough snazzy entertainment for your higher-than-heaven tastes?" Rolf asked, slightly offended that his dancing skills were being questioned by a woman with such bad taste in head wear.
"I'm having fun, it's just all this craziness around me has me thinking!" Nazz said before taking the Suzette bag from her head and letting it drop to the floor near a wall of the foyer. "And I mean thinking really hard, like hard enough to give you an uncool migraine."
"What weighs your mind down now, she-who-dons-the-bag? Is it the hearty weight of the coming marriage vows we shall have to prepare?" Rolf inquired, thankful that he no longer had to dance with Suzette.
"No dude. I feel like all the things we do never make a difference, you know?" Nazz stated as she danced in Rolf's arms. "I try to be cool with everyone to help them get along, but it seems like they all figured it out on their own. They didn't need my help at all."
"Rolf knows of what you speak," he admitted shamefully. "All the good tidings he has brought upon the neighborhood and yet not a drop of it bore fruit."
"Do you think we'll have a chance to make it bear fruit, dude?" Nazz asked hopefully. "To actually do something like Kevin did to bring everyone together? Or to even help any of our friends?"
"Rolf cannot say for sure, Nazz-girl. He can only do as he always has and try to be the best son of a shepherd he can be! Just as you must be the best go-go girl you can be! Surely nothing more can be asked of me or you?"
"Maybe we shouldn't need to be asked to do something more..." Nazz trailed off as she and Rolf became lost in the music once again.
Everyone had fallen silent at this point but it didn't change the serenity of having everyone in and around the Cul-De-Sac in the same place without them tearing into each other. There wasn't some spat between them, not an open one anyway.
A spell had been cast over the house and it was all thanks to the notebook of solutions Edd had crafted. A strange thing, wasn't it? There likely wasn't ever a chance Edd's meticulous plans would have worked on the kids the Eds wanted to befriend so badly. In fact, most of the kids were only here with a nice facade to fool their enemies because they knew of the notebook. However, it was their very knowledge of the notebook that had finally brought them together with the Eds in temporary peace at last. At first the union was false through and through, but there was now a glimmer of truth here.
In this enchanting moment on the dance floor, it seemed all the kids suddenly understood each other. They all finally could see what made each other tick. And as they were all lost in this capsule devoid of conflict, they all realized that there was a chance this could work out if things had gone a bit differently. That they could all be friends after all if so many things hadn't gone wrong. Real friends, not the hollow act so many of them were putting on.
Ed and Sarah playing.
Eddy and Kevin racing.
Edd and Marie laughing.
The scenes passed before them. They had been waiting to be captured. Each of the kids should've reached out to grab them years ago, long before they fluttered away.
However we know this story isn't about second chances for everyone.
