Chapter 101: One Last Drink

"Well, then. I suppose I am a fool for having been afraid." Computer quipped, slapping a paw to his forehead.

"I told you it wasn't a big deal." Dena said with a shrug. "Bruno sometimes enjoys being, well, Bruno..."

"Time to see where this goes." The nurse dog giggled in the background.

"Oh, boy." Computer uttered out warily.

Bruno reached into the cooler and offered him a bottle.

"Uh, yeah. About that-" He drawled, wincing slightly. "Literally every bad thing that's happened to me lately is a direct result of me having drunk that stuff and gone off and committed...mechanical genocide."

Bruno continued to gesture the bottle toward him, ignoring his comment.

His wince deepened. "I really shouldn't. The last time ended with me, erm, 'adopting' a cellphone. One that was the sole survivor of the maelstrom of death and destruction that followed. I even named the thing George, but, I remember doing that about as much as I remember doing everything else, which is to say, I don't remember at all."

Bruno raised and dropped his eyebrows repeatedly.

Computer sighed, his shoulders drooping in defeat. "...This cannot possibly lead anywhere good."

…...

"Pfff-ahaha! He...he actually tried to call the police by typing 911 into the search engine! Who does that?"

After nearly two months in a cage, sometimes you just have to give in to peer pressure, especially when there's a decent chance that you're going to end up blown up soon anyway.

Dena lightly laughed along with him, taking an oddly lady-like sip of her drink. "That honestly sounds a lot like something Andrea would have done. For all of her strengths, that girl could not figure out left from right when stressing out."

Computer shrugged. "At the end of the day, no matter how many mechanical aneurysms he has given me over the years, he really has nothing on one of my previous owners, Owen." He grimaced and took a very long drink from his bottle. "Owen truly had a talent for being, well, Owen..."

The girl dog, who was nowhere near drunk enough for the amount she was drinking, leaned in a little closer. "Okay, this I need to hear. What sort of shenanigans did this guy get up to that could be any worse than Courage and his...computer problems."

Computer raised an eyebrow. "You're really going to make me talk about this?"

All three of his companions seemed eager to know.

He rubbed the back of his head. "I never thought a day would come where I'd talk about one of his...incidents, much less talk about it in front of a willing audience. Well, don't say I didn't warn you. Back then he was living in this apartment, and there was a spider. We're not talking about a little spider, no, we're talking-"

He reached his arms up into the air, as if he could actually give an accurate height for the thing.

"-a spider taller than most humans. It lived up in the crawlspace above...above his bed. It never came down while he was at home though. It preferred to stay hidden. I guess it didn't want to pay rent or something. When Owen would leave for work, it would sneak down from its hiding place to raid the fridge, watch a little TV, and occasionally have vigorous debates with me about the grave injustice of spiders being considered insects. In any case-" He took another liberal gulp of his drink, as if it would help him get through the rest of the story. "-one day, Owen comes home from work early. The spider is sitting in his chair, in front of the TV, eating popcorn, and watching a soap opera. They make eye...'eyes' contact? That spider had like a million of them. They just stare, completely still, for like an entire minute or so. Then, Owen screams. And he just keeps screaming."

Bruno, who had been listening intently, wide eyed like an excited child, let out a, 'Oooooo,'.

Computer took another gulp. "Owen really could give Courage a run for his money, if you ask me. I think a few of his screams from that day are still hanging over Kansas to this very day, probably scaring a few astronauts whenever their space station floats by."

"Don't leave me hanging now, little dude! Tell me what happened after that!" Bruno begged.

Computer looked down at his empty bottle. "I don't think any of us are anywhere near inebriated enough for what happens next. "

Bruno shoved another bottle into his paws, all while the girl dog laughed at the sight of him fumbling not to drop the bulldog's 'offering'.

"What if I don't take bribes?" He asked, snickering. "And this isn't going to be nearly enough to get me through a recounting of the dumbest moment in human history. Ugh, it's just my luck that I'm the sole witness and historian of such an event."

"I'm pretty sure there's someone out there in the world who's done something dumber than this Owen guy has." Dena argued.

"Nope, he is the winner." Computer answered, more than ready to drink himself into a stupor if it meant forgetting his retelling of this tale. "He received an anonymous award for it and everything."

Dena blinked in surprise.

"Don't ask me how it happened. All I know is, it showed up in the mail one day, and at first he wanted to pretend like he didn't have it, but eventually he gave up and put it on display."

Dena stared. "Uh..."

"I suppose I don't have much of a choice but to continue, with all of you staring at me like that. I can't believe I'm actually recounting this incident to anyone, much less here and now of all places. Just when I thought my life couldn't get any weirder. Owen must be rolling in his-"

"GET ON WITH IT!" Bruno cried out.

"Ugh, fine." He relented, more than happy to tip his new bottle all the way back before continuing. "So, Owen goes on screaming, only now he's running around the apartment with his arms flailing in every direction. The spider tried to say something to him, but good luck when your 'roommate' is breaking the sound barrier. It didn't help that every time the spider so much as twitched, Owen simply panicked even harder. Finally, Owen grabs the broom from the kitchen and starts smacking the spider with it. Given the size of the thing, it wasn't exactly doing much other than making it angry. All I remember hearing over Owen's screaming was the spider yelling about how it was going to sue him for injuries. You'd think that'd be the end of it, but, well-" He trailed off, happily taking another bottle.

"Owen finally realizes that the broom isn't working, so he goes off and grabs a can of bug spray out of the closet, not realizing that spiders are. not. insects. All that managed to do was make the angry spider even more angry, only now it's telling him that it's going to sue him even harder, this time for discrimination and for setting off its asthma. That's when, well, oh boy."

He glanced down into his bottle and sighed. "Owen grabbed a lighter..."

"Ooooh, noooo." Bruno giggled.

"-And turned the bug spray into a makeshift flamethrower."

"I guess he really did earn that award." Dena commented, taking a far less dainty swig of her drink.

"So, here's the thing." Computer went on. "Now there's a massive spider running around the apartment...on fire. What does Owen do?"

"Uses his computer to try and call the fire department?" The girl dog guessed.

Computer laughed. "Worse!"

"T-tries to throw a bucket of water on the spider?" Dena interjected.

Computer pressed his paws to his mouth. "He called his mom!" He snorted out, barely able to get the words out.

"So now he's got his mom on the phone, yelling at him to call the fire department, I'm yelling at him to call the fire department, the spider is yelling at him to call the fire department, and Owen just sort of gives up and curls up into a ball. That's when it got even worse."

"How could it get any worse?" Bruno exclaimed, exploding with laughter.

"Yeah, well, that spider? That spider was not exactly...a guy, and, well, did you know that spiders who are in mortal danger tend to, ah-" He tried to find the right word. "-evacuate their young prematurely in the hopes that they might survive?"

Total silence followed, and left with no other choice, Computer confirmed, "Flaming spider babies. All over. Everywhere."

"If Owen had not already been rocking back and forth in a fetal position, I'm sure he would have given up entirely once the flaming spider babies were covering the floors, the walls...himself." Computer shrugged. "At that point the apartment was on fire, Owen was on fire, I was on fire, and I suppose the moral of the story is, spider racism is bad."

"Wait, wait, wait! What happened then?" The girl dog demanded. "Obviously you wouldn't be here right now if you went up in flames."

Computer shrugged a second time. "I don't know. All I remember is an on-fire-Owen unplugging me, and I assume he then ran out of the apartment screaming. Next time I was powered on, we were in an entirely new apartment and he told me never to speak of what happened again. He had a nervous tic for weeks afterwords, always checking for spiders in every nook and cranny. He looked like a roasted turkey for ages after that too. Tried to play it off as a tan gone wrong. "

"Unplugged? Powered back on?" Bruno asked, slurring his words slightly. "What do you mean by that, huh? I always thought you were a bit weird with that glow and all, but are you supposed to be a robot or somethin'?"

Computer slapped a paw up against his face. "Ugh, you don't want to know. Trust me, if I could not know, I would. Relish your ignorance."

"He has a bit of a history." The girl dog broke in, smiling knowingly.

"Let's just say that I used to exist much differently than this for a very long time, and it was rough going before Courage came along."

"Oh, yes." Dena suddenly spoke, smiling in a way that resembled the girl dog far too much for Computer's comfort. "I was told all about this Courage fellow, and how you've got it bad for him."

Computer groaned, utterly unamused. "Does everyone on this infernal planet but Courage know at this point?"

He cracked open another bottle and tipped his head back as far as he could.

"Eh, I'm pretty sure he knows too." The girl dog commented.

Computer choked and sent a spray of beer shooting across the room.

"Look at him." Dena lightly chuckled. "The only other time I've ever seen anyone blush like that was the day Andrea proposed to me."

"PROPOSE?" Computer exclaimed, voice cracking, and his mind inevitably going to...weird places.

Bruno leaned in closer, squinting. "You're blue 'n all, so why do you blush red, eh?"

Computer crossed his arms, and still blushing, stuck his nose up into the air. "I don't know how it works!" He huffed. "A-and you know what? Forget Courage! What about that angry, swear-y chef guy I saw on TV? Now there's a proper gentleman who can stick my face between two slices of bread and call me an idiot sandwich any day!"

The girl dog choked up with laughter.

"Yeah, laugh it up, woman!" He exclaimed. "Since you can't seem to keep your mouth shut about me, why don't you give it up and finally tell us who you are?"

"It ain't like she had to say much about you and this Courage guy." Bruno spoke. "You...kinda make it obvious all on your own."

"D-do not!" He shot back.

Dena couldn't help but add her own voice to the fray. "You do realize that there's nothing wrong about feeling the way you do about him, right?"

Computer, who had become an expert on such things, dodged heartily. "Oh, no, we are not changing the topic this time! I want to know who this demonic entity is! I'm done letting her confound me! Who! Are! You!" He yelled, fuming at the 'innocent' look the girl dog gave him.

"She 'is' a bit of an unknown." Bruno admitted. "But then again, so are you."

"I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma." She joked, refusing to say anything more.

Computer glowered. "...You're my punishment, aren't you?"

…...

He was not exactly sure when he fell asleep, but when Computer awoke, he was more than a little surprised to find that he was curled up at the foot of Dena's bed, and not in his cage where he was supposed to be.

With a start, he nearly toppled off the bed.

"Whoa, there." He heard Dena say.

A quick look around and he found her sitting on one of Charon's gaudy purple and gold couches. Judging by the pillow and blanket, she had slept there overnight and...let him have the bed?

But...he was not supposed to be here!

"Why wasn't I brought back to the kennels?" He asked, nearly in a panic. "I was supposed to go back! What if someone notices I'm gone?"

Dena raised a paw. "Don't worry. It's unlikely that any of those guards would notice or care, and they're not going to question it when Bruno's involved. He figured you'd like it if you didn't have to spend another night in that cage, so he decided to just let you sleep where you dropped."

Computer blinked. He had been fully expecting to spend one last night in that cage, along with all of the horrors that came with it, but to know now that he will never have to spend another moment cramped in that tiny space, surrounded by all of the suffering going on around him, it was a strange feeling indeed.

"I-I'll have to thank him for that." He uttered out, more to himself than to Dena.

"You're going to have to stay here until Bruno gets back. He's the only one who can move that wardrobe. We're...almost ready though. He's out helping his friend arm the bombs as we speak."

Computer's stomach lurched, and not just from how much he had indulged himself last night. "This is it then..."

To wake up here and not in the kennels, this was certainly not how he had expected this day to start. Regardless, there was no turning back now. The bombs were set. The day of reckoning was here.

Dena pointed to a door that, up until now, Computer had thought led to a closet. "The bathroom is in there. You should probably hide there until Bruno gets back. We wouldn't want you just standing around if Charon barged in unannounced."

He nodded, but then clutched a paw to his head, the movement having ignited his already splitting headache. "Why on earth did I let you guys peer pressure me into drinking the night before such an...explosive day? I could really use a clear head right about now."

Dena laughed. "Feel free to freshen up in there, if you like. After all that time you've spent in the kennels, I'm sure you wouldn't mind a bath."

He couldn't argue with her on that.

End Of Chapter

A/N: Computer being at a point where he's able and willing to talk about Owen with anyone not named Courage is certainly A Thing, even if alcohol is required. Also, I like to think that whenever he gets all flustered, he starts generating dial-up noises from seemingly nowhere. I mean, you could probably remove all of his dialogue in this story and replace it with -angry dial-up noises- and you would lose nothing. LOL