Author's Note: Thank you so so much everyone who answered my question from the previous chapter. I was so overwhelmed by all the support and love you guys sent my way, and I appreciate it so so much. I think I replied to everyone haha. I know I said this in most to all of my responses, but I tend to get anxiety easily and for some reason I really just let it get to me this time. It was a very silly worry in hindsight but I guess that happens. I love what I write but I do get uncertain about it all the time and question myself. I feel so much better about how I'm writing, and happy that it's not 'dragging on' (as I feared). Thank you again everyone for the incredible show of love and support. It really meant a lot to me 3 and ironically I feel like after such a happy author's note I should give a warning that this chapter is pretty depression-focused. :T
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Remus couldn't be around the other Marauders the next morning. When he woke up he felt overwhelmed with anxiety, sadness, and his skin crawled at the thought of having to be around people. He tried to pretend to be asleep which worked for a little while until James literally shook him. He rolled over, mumbling that he wasn't feeling well and wanted to stay in bed. Finally they left him alone, though he suspected they'd be back soon. He got out of bed, throwing clean clothes on, shoving a blanket into his school satchel so he could take it with him. He went into a small secret room one of his ghost friends had shown him the previous year. He spongified the floor so it wouldn't be so hard and curled up, falling back asleep.
He woke up to find two sets of eyes on him.
"Yaaah!" He jumped, crashing into the far wall after bouncing a bit.
Myrtle began giggling. "Didn't mean to startle you."
"H—hi Myrtle, hi Theodore," he said, rubbing the back of his head as he looked back and forth between the two youngest ghosts he knew at the school. Myrtle was only about fourteen when she died, maybe thirteen he wasn't entirely sure. She had died fairly recently, just about thirty years ago. Theodore was about sixteen when he died, about two hundred years ago. He didn't speak much.
"Theodore told me you looked miserable," Myrtle said rather cheerfully. She seemed to enjoy it when other people weren't doing well. "I thought we could cheer you up." Theodore gave Remus a rather apologetic look.
"Oh. I'm all right." He rubbed his eyes then shifted his weight a bit so his leg wasn't so close to Myrtle. He didn't particularly like the cold sensation of going through a ghost.
"What's wrong? You looked awful when you were asleep," Myrtle said then her eyes widened. "Is it because your friends are in trouble?"
"No, I just haven't been fe—what?" He jerked forward. "What did they do now?!"
She began giggling. "Caught putting sticking spells on toilets."
Remus sighed, rubbing his forehead, feeling exhausted just at the mere thought of them causing mayhem yet again; though, it didn't surprise him at all. This is what I get for leaving them by themselves for five minutes... "All three of them?"
"No, just the one in glasses and the cute one." Myrtle clasped her hands around her knees, looking rather dreamy. "You should bring him to visit me again sometime soon."
"I... I'll try..."
They talked for a bit more then Remus wriggled his way out of the room because even talking to ghosts was a bit much, which was a bad sign in his opion. He was rather flushed from the effort of crawling out of the entrance. It was just a small hole on the wall behind a stone bench. He pushed the bench back into place then went to the tower to hide out under his bed for a while. He curled up with his blanket wrapped around him, clutching Gwyllgi, staring blankly at the gap between his bed and the floor. He knew he should work on his assignments, practice wand movements, do something besides lay there like a lump... but laying there like a lump seemed a much better idea than anything else.
It felt as though there was a wheel inside of his head, slowly circling... like a waterwheel. It dipped down into his misery to pull a new thought out, slowly rose, fell, then deposited the thoughts back into the river of bleghness. Most the thoughts were about James's words the night before, and also Sirius's stares. At least Peter hadn't done anything.
He buried his face against Gwyllgi, wishing, as always, he could be more normal. Like now, all he was able to do was lay here with the crushing weight of sadness pushing him down. He figured his friends got really sad but they seemed to be able to be more... more... free. Laugh, joke, run around, not appear to have the entire universe pressing into them. Course they're not monsters, he thought miserably. They weren't bound down by a curse or having something so violent pacing deep inside of them ready to come hurtling out without warning. Plus all the other weird issues he had. His weird skin feelings, the extreme anxiety, the sensation of blades digging into his soul, the need to hide like this...
"I'm just broken," he whispered to his stuffed dog. He twisted the toy around to look into its shiny black eyes, wishing Gwyllgi were real. He yearned for a living, breathing companion he could talk to—even if was a dog—and put his head against, one that wouldn't run away.
Rocky doesn't, he thought, biting his lip as his mind drifted to Hagrid's dog.
Before he knew what he was doing he was leaving the castle, heading across the grounds towards Hagrid's hut. His heart pounded in his chest as his feet slowed, wondering if he was really gonna do this. Hagrid would probably just laugh at him. Still, he raised his fist and knocked.
Hagrid—wearing a rather frilly yellow apron and holding a spatula—opened the door. "Young Lupin!" he exclaimed cheerfully. "What brings yeh here? Deliverin' a message?"
"N-no, s—sir," Remus stammered out.
"I'm sorry, I can't hear yeh."
"No, sir," Remus repeated, loudly. "I—I was wondering if..." Now he couldn't do it. It sounded so stupid!
"Wonderin' what?" Hagrid inquired, studying the tiny boy. "Why don't yeh come in?" He stepped back and Remus went into the hut, smelling cookies baking. Rocky barked, running over to barrel into him, knocking him clean to the floor. "Rocky, be good! Yer bigger'n him," Hagrid said, apologizing for his dog as he picked Remus up, setting him on his feet.
"No, it's f-fine." Remus pet Rocky's fluffy head, smiling. "I—well, I was w-wondering if... maybe... I mean..." Ugh James and Sirius could probably easily ask, why couldn't he?
"Would yeh like a cookie?"
So Remus sat down with a freshly baked sugar cookie which actually tasted really good (the last time he had tried Hagrid's baking it hadn't gone so well). Hagrid rambled for a little while about various things. Baking, his garden, the weather. Finally, after Remus finished off a fourth cookie (he hadn't had breakfast) Hagrid asked him what was on his mind.
Looking down into his half-empty teacup, Remus got the nerve to finally talk. "I was wondering if m—maybe I could walk R-Rocky?"
Hagrid was quiet for a second which made Remus think he had definitely overstepped but then the groundskeeper began laughing. "Of course! Rocky would love bein' took for a walk! Go on, then, and don't worry 'bout him being loose'n all, he'll stay by yeh."
"I can?" Remus looked up, face brightening.
Hagrid smiled behind his heard. "I think it'd be good for him." Hagrid went over to a cupboard, pulling out a smallish baggie of treats. Rocky sat down, wagging his tail. Hagrid tossed him one then gave the bag to Remus. "Jus' don't go into the forest."
"I won't!" Remus tucked the bag in his pocket. "Come on, Rocky!"
He left, not really noticing that Hagrid was frowning now. Rocky bounded along beside him, going in circles, barking happily. Remus beamed at the dog's excitement. They began running along (Remus tripping on occasionally) then stopped near the lake. Remus found a large stick, throwing it as hard as he could which was a pretty decent amount. Rocky ran after the stick, bringing it back, tail wagging. After a bit they ran around together, Remus grabbing at Rocky as he barked and banged into Remus. Finally they collapsed down to rest. They were along a far side of the lake, away from where most students hung out, and there were loads of shrubbery around so Remus allowed himself to do what he truly wanted to do.
He rolled over, put an arm around Rocky, and buried his face into his fur. Rocky tossed his head back, wriggling a bit until he was able to awkwardly lick at the side of Remus's head, tail thumping against Remus's legs. Remus let out a soft sound, resisting the urge to hug tighter. The feel of a warm-blooded creature snuggled up like this was too much, and soon he began crying. Rocky jerked away suddenly. Remus thought he had done something wrong but the dog just lay back down next to Remus, giant tongue licking away the tears. Remus put his arm back around him.
"Good boy," he murmured. "What a good boy." Rocky's tail began wagging again. "You don't think I'm broken, do you?" Slurp, slurp, wag, wag. "Probably think I'm more like you than anyone else at this school. You know, you're a wolfhound: you should be attacking me." Rocky put his head down on top of Remus's head. "You don't care how wrong I am..." He stroked Rocky's fur gently as a bit of drool went in his hair. "I mean... they say they don't... but... sometimes I feel like... it's not true... I know one day I'm just going to—to do something so... wrong... it'll be too much for them. Though, maybe it's for the best. I'm just so screwed up they leave me, be the best option. Honestly, I don't even know how they can put up with me and all my—wrongness. My inability to even be a functional human. I don't understand it at all."
He closed his eyes, clinging to the dog.
"Everyone says I shouldn't be friends with them. Well, Mum and Dad just say I shouldn't have friends, they don't know about them. But... I don't know... if I can do it." He felt more tears coming. "When the time comes... I don't know if I'll be able to... end our... friendship. So, if they do... that'd be... b... best..."
Choking a little, he pushed himself into a kneeling position, putting his hands on either side of Rocky's face as the dog panted. "The thought of losing them makes my entire being hurt. Is that normal, Rocky?" Rocky licked his nose. Remus sighed. "Maybe it was a mistake. I thought it'd be nice. To have friends. To... know what friends even are, outside what books say. To know how it feels. I thought it'd be easy to break things off. But it won't be. I don't want to. It's so stupid. I shouldn't... feel like this... I should just keep my distance but... I—I care about them. More than... I probably should... I don't know. How do people feel about their friends?" Rocky barked and Remus gave a tiny smile, scratching behind his ear. "I know how you feel. Absolute love and loyalty, eh?"
He froze then slumped back, a little slack-jawed. "Is... that why I feel so close to them? Is it my canine? Latching onto them, like a dog does?" He stared at Rocky, trying to sort through this new thought. "Wolves... bond..." he muttered. "Am I...? N... no. No, that's ridiculous..."
Wasn't it?
He dropped his hands, looking down at his lap. "Doesn't matter, in any case. They're probably better off without me anyway." Now Rocky whined, nudging Remus with his snout. "It's true. They're human. I'm not. It isn't fair to them." Remus began scratching at Rocky's head again. "I'm too scared of changing it though. I mean, my friendship with them. I like them too much. I guess I'm just selfish." He bent in, putting his forehead against Rocky's. Rocky licked his chin. "It's nice. This is. I don't have to worry about you finding out. I don't have to worry about... giving it away, of making a mistake, of putting a foot wrong. I'm constantly on edge with them. Terrified." He ran his fingers through the curly fur then flopped back down onto the ground with Rocky curling up next to him. "Every time they touch me I keep thinking somehow they'll just... know... Every time they give me a weird look I think, did they just figure it out? Then I go and do stupid stuff like—like spit out the water, like I did last night, at the mere mention of the full moon." Though he knew it was more of the moon in connection with his house that had done it. "Dad's right. I've gotten so lax. I try to do better. Because... I'm so scared. But too selfish to do anything about it. Merlin's beard, I am a total broken freak, aren't I, then?"
He kept stroking Rocky's side until Rocky rolled onto his back. Remus smiled and began rubbing his belly. "You like that? Yeahhhh, you like that, huh? Maybe I'll get a dog, when this is all over. A nice dog, like you. One that likes me. Arthur's a great owl and all but... he's so old it's hard to really do much with him. Plus I enjoyed running with you."
Rocky barked happily.
"Just, surround myself with dogs." Remus snuggled up with Rocky once more. "Suits me since I'm a canine anyway, huh?"
/\/\/\/\/\
When Remus returned to the school—utterly emotionally drained him his confessional with Rocky—he ran into the other Marauders. He could tell immediately something was up though he wasn't sure what. Drat, he thought, quickly looking down. He had hoped to return back under his bed without being seen.
"Remus!"
He stopped in his tracks, still looking at the floor as they approached him. "Hey," he mumbled, tugging at the hem of his sweatshirt.
"Is something wrong?" James asked immediately.
Remus jerked his head up, perplexed. "Wh—what?" He couldn't figure out how they sensed that immediately!
The three of them exchanged wary looks. "Um," Peter began, "it's just we just saw Hagrid and—and he asked if we had a fight cause he said you showed up at his hut seeming pretty, um, lonely?"
He stiffened, clenching his teeth a little. He couldn't believe Hagrid had just... done that! He figured the man meant well however it still felt like a betrayal. "I wanted to walk Rocky, that's all," he grumbled.
"Is that all?" Sirius asked, folding his arms.
"Yes, that's all." Remus was staring at the floor again.
"You're not mad at us?" James inquired.
"No, of course not," he promised, then decided to try a joke to maybe distract them. "Though I should be, since I heard you were putting sticking spells on the toilets."
Sirius and James snickered then Sirius said, "So, we're going to go mess around outside?" He indicated James who pulled a Quaffle out of his bag.
Remus hesitated. He still felt crawly all over, not really wanting human company. Rocky was nice but that was entirely different from the other Marauders. "Um, well... h-have fun." He gave them a smile, hoping that would be that.
"Aren't you coming with us?" Pete asked.
There was a flare of panic at those five words. He most certainly did not want to. He wanted to be alone, away from his friends, under his bed. However... while they had told them before if he needed to be alone it'd be fine, he also suspected that doing so at this moment would be detrimental, as they'd probably think he was mad at them. The crawly skin feeling grew worse. The panic grew worse.
"Um." He hoped one of them would say 'it's okay if you don't' which meant of course none of them did. He looked at each of their faces then down at the ground. "Yeah, um, of course."
The other three ran off while Remus jogged along behind them to keep up. He hoped if they were kicking around the ball while he just sat nearby he'd be okay. He found a spot on the grass, hugging his knees, watching them play with the Quaffle. They kept asking him to join in to which he'd shake his head. He just felt worse and worse, twisting his fingers into the hem of his shirt, trying to breathe, trying not to scratch at himself. Every time they spoke to him it felt almost physically painful which just made him feel even crummier. Finally after sufficient time had passed he stood up, brushing the grass off his trousers as he said something about wanting to do some homework and he'd see them later. They all wished him luck and he gladly left, hurrying to the dorms so he could hide out under his bed.
I should talk to Fawley about this, he thought, staring at his hands. Whether this is how... typical people react... But he doubted it was, unless everyone was a better actor than him.
He rolled onto his back, pressing his hands against the slats under his bed, feeling the pressure through his arms as he pushed lightly. I just need to try harder, he decided, curling his fingers a little to dig his nails into the wood. If I just try harder maybe I can be normal...
Remus woke up with a jerk when loud laughter tore him from his hazy dreams, wondering what time it was. The other Marauders had come tearing into the dorm, Sirius and James laughing while Peter was begging James for forgiveness. Remus shrank back under his bed, trying to keep himself quiet while they talked. After some vague conversation he understood that Peter had kicked the Quaffle so hard that it smashed James's nose in, breaking it. They had gone to the hospital wing to get it fixed, and Peter felt bad. James obviously didn't care. He kept insisting it was a 'brilliant show of strength' and 'you should kick Snivellus like that'. Then James started making 'waPOW!' sounds as Remus watched his foot flying everywhere pretending to kick stuff, then actually kicked stuff. He kicked a pair of jeans laying on the ground, then a pillow, then one of Remus's books sending it skittering across the floor.
"Ah, bloody hell! Oops!" James ran after it. "Well, if he wasn't mad at us before he will be now. Okay, don't think it's broken."
"How can you break a book?" Peter asked.
"Tearing it."
"He's not mad at us," Sirius said from his bed. "He's just not doing well right now."
"Why you say that?" James asked as he carefully set the book where it was.
"He wasn't feeling well last night and he had a bad nightmare," Sirius explained. "He's not in a great... mood. I don't think it's us."
"Is he okay?" Peter asked, going over to sit on Sirius's bed next to him.
"Considering the fact he's run off again, I highly doubt it," James retorted.
Remus didn't like this. He was curious to know what his friends had to say about him, but it felt very wrong to be listening in to their conversation. All right, so I eavesdropped a lot last year, he thought with chagrin, but I need to stop. Still, letting himself be known also seemed rather awkward.
"He's probably just in the library," Sirius yawned.
"Maybe he's getting sick again," Peter suggested and then something must have happened that Remus couldn't hear because he then went, "What?"
Silence. "Nothing," Sirius said slowly. "Maybe he is but honestly he doesn't... really... look it. I think he's just upset."
"Maybe we can do something to make him feel better!" Peter clapped his hands. "Let's get him some cookies or something, from the kitchens."
"That sounds like a great idea," laughed Sirius, jumping off his bed. "Surprise him when he comes back. Chocolate cookies."
"Let's get peanut butter cookies too," said James as the Marauders all got their shoes back on.
"He likes chocolate, dummy," Sirius said, "so we're getting chocolate cookies."
James snorted. "Merlin, I said 'too', dummy. I know he prefers chocolate. I said too."
"Ooh, sugar cookies!" Pete said, excited. "With icing."
Sirius groaned, walking towards the door with the other two following. "Blimey, this is supposed to be for Remus!"
"It is. See, we get a variety then he can have all the chocolate ones," said James rather slyly. "It's for him."
Remus covered his mouth, trying not to laugh at that logic. Sirius made a scoffing sound, opening the door. "Fine, fine. You win."
They left the dorm, door swinging shut. Remus waited a few minutes then scooted out from under the bed. He still felt skin-crawly, anxious, and upset but he also felt sprinkles of pure joy at how kind his friends were being. He gave it a little more time then left the dorm, creeping down the stairs to scan the common room. No Marauder in sight. He hurried out, dodging down a side corridor and finding a secret passageway to hole up in for about an hour with a book. When he returned to the dorm they were back and he acted super surprised to find a big platter of cookies on his desk. He sat down on the edge of his bed, nibbling a chocolate cookie (not even really realizing literally all he had to eat that day were cookies), feeling very grateful to have such good friends, wishing he could be a better one for them.
