Me: Thanks to the guest reviewer for their review last chapter! I hope you enjoy this one!

Chapter 21

Clary didn't sleep long. Dawn peaked through the curtain far sooner than she would've liked. As she watched the orange light cast a glow through the room, she entertained the possibility of just staying here, curled up with Jace in the warmth and safety of the morning. Of course, she knew she couldn't. Every second the sun rose higher was another second her mother was worrying about her. Anxiety pricked at Clary just thinking of the conversation that would have to ensure.

She forced herself to move, reluctantly untangling herself from the blankets and Jace and sitting up. Her mind still felt exhausted from the previous day's events, and despite some sleep her body wasn't much better. But it didn't matter: she had to get moving.

Clary got up from the bed slowly so as not to wake Jace and made her way to the bathroom. She was glad to find a previous outfit of her's from the week Jocelyn and Luke went away set aside in a drawer. She pulled on the jeans and t-shirt, reveling in their familiarity. She couldn't help but think how strange it was that, despite having remembered a huge part of her life, how everything still remained the same.

That's because nothing's changed, Clary scolded herself. And it was true, nothing had. Just because she remembered a part of her past didn't mean she was any different than she had been. This was the point she had to drive home to Jocelyn. Nothing's changed.

Except the life you tried keeping me from since birth I actually discovered when I was nine. And proceeded to hide from you.

Okay, not helping. Clary rolled up Jace's t-shirt he had lent her and stuffed it into the hamper, throwing it in with a force as if it were her combative thoughts. She grabbed her sweatshirt and shrugged it on before exiting the bathroom.

Clary walked back over to the bed to grab her phone off the side table when Jace awoke. He blinked at her in confusion before sitting up. ''You alright?''

''Yeah,'' Clary assured him, stuffing her phone back in her pocket. ''Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.''

''You didn't.'' Jace studied her for a moment before glancing at the window. ''It's early.''

''I know. But the longer I wait-''

''I get it.'' Jace looked at her again. ''Do you want me to come with you?''

Clary shook her head. ''No. I have to talk to Mom alone and explain.''

''I'd be interested in the explanation.''

Clary's stomach tightened at that. She was to preoccupied imaging her mother's reaction to even process telling Jace about Jonathan. ''You'll get it. I promise.''

Jace nodded as Clary went towards the window. ''You know, we have a nice front door.''

''I know,'' Clary replied. ''But I don't want to risk waking Max or Isabelle.''

''If you're sure.''

''I am.''

''Clary-'' Clary paused from where she stood with one foot on the window sill, ready to go out. She looked at Jace expectantly, but whatever he was going to say he rethought it and just sighed. ''Call me as soon as you can, okay?''

''I will,'' Clary promised. She smiled at him reassuringly before climbing out the window.

…..

The entire walk to her apartment, Clary tried to imagine telling her mother about Jonathan. She started several conversations in her head, scowling and discarding them as they all sounded to improbably. Of course they sounded improbably- Clary had no idea just how her mother was going to react to this news.

Finally reaching the building, Clary entered and began walking up the stairs, each step making the metal resonate and causing her ears to ring. Her stomach was in knots and the knots seemed to pull as she reached her floor.

With hesitation, Clary walked down the hall to her door. She paused and stared at it for a moment. On the other side her mother and Luke were in there worrying about her, wondering where she was and if she was okay. When she entered, they would be relieved. When she told them all that happened, they would be angry and horrified.

Taking a breath to steady herself, Clary put her hand on the knob and turned it. As she suspected, they left it unlocked for her.

Despite her attempt to be quiet the door clicked as she closed it. ''Clary?'' Came Luke's voice immediately after. Bitting her tongue, Clary walked into the apartment and entered the living room.

Luke and Jocelyn must've been sitting on the couch but had gotten up at the sound of the door. They stood watching as Clary approached them. ''Yeah, it's me.''

Luke had to sit on the arm of the chair in relief. Jocelyn went to her and hugged her. ''Oh, thank god.''

Clary closed her eyes and allowed herself to revel in the warmth of her mother's touch. The touch you refused to Jonathan.

Stop it.

''Clary,'' Jocelyn began as she pulled away and looked her over. ''What happened?''

Clary opened her mouth to speak but could form no words. Her mother was looking at her with concern in her eyes, dark circles underneath them from lack of sleep. She and Luke had spent hours worrying and fretting about her, and now she was going to add to their worry? Going to dig up the past and make them feel guilty? How could she do that?

''Mom,'' Clary finally managed. ''I'm sorry.''

''Sorry about what?'' Jocelyn asked, noticing her daughter's tone.

''About last night.'' A tear slipped out of Clary's eye. Jocelyn made to brush it away, but Clary waved away her hand. ''I worried you and left without any word and that was wrong.''

''Yes, it was. But Clary, what happen-''

''I will never do it again,'' Clary went on, cutting off her mother's question. ''I promise. Can we please just leave it at that? Please?''

Jocelyn stared at her. ''Clary, if something is wrong I want to know. You've been acting strange for weeks-''

''I know. And that will all stop but can we please not talk about where I was or what I was doing. Please?''

''Clary, you can tell me anything.''

''No I can't.'' Clary hated herself the moment she said it, but she knew it was true. ''I can't tell you, Mom, because it will break your heart. It will disappoint you. And I can't stand to do that.''

There was an expression on Jocelyn's face that Clary couldn't decipher. ''I'm sorry about last night,'' she said again. ''It will never happen again.'' She looked down at the hem of her shirt, her fingers picking at it in nervousness. ''I- I'm going to go clean up my room now.''

Clary walked around her mother and was halfway to the hall when Jocelyn turned around. ''Is this about Jonathan?''

''Jocelyn-'' Luke tried to interject, but Jocelyn paid no heed.

''Did he do something to you?'' Jocelyn demand.

''Mom,'' Clary said, closing her eyes and keeping her back to her mother. ''I am begging you to please not talk about this.''

''No!'' Clary could hear Jocelyn approaching. ''I come home, my daughter's room is trashed, there's blood on the floor, my daughter is missing, and I find out the person who kidnapped her is alive because oh, apparently she rescued him! So no, Clary, we can't not talk about this. We are going to talk about this.''

''I can't-''

''Well, we have to.''

''No we don't.''

''Why not?''

''Because you've been through enough!'' Clary screamed, turning around to face her mother. Tears pricked at her eyes. Jocelyn stared at her as Clary tried to compose herself. ''You,'' she managed in a more calm tone. ''Are the woman who lived with a crazy man, survived years of abuse, lost your child, plotted an uprising and then left your life behind so that you could keep me safe.'' Clary gestured helplessly. ''I have no right to judge you, or to throw all your sacrifices back in your face just because I want the life you didn't. The life that turned on you. I have no right.

''I have never wanted to disappoint you, Mom. You don't know what it took for me to even tell you I wanted to continue with being a Shawdowhunter after the Mortal War. To stand in front of you and say that everything you tried to protect me from is everything I want. And I know you deny it but I know that you wish I wasn't a Shadowhunter. You wish I hadn't found out everything I did. And last night-'' Clary tried to catch her breath. ''I found out something else. And I can't share it with you because I can't stand to watch you worry. To watch you be disappointed. I just can't. So please, please, let's leave it at that.''

Jocelyn's face was an impassive mask. ''Clarissa,'' she said evenly. ''You have, and never will, disappoint me.'' Clary had to choke back a sob at that. ''I never, ever want you to feel you can't tell me things just because I've been through stuff. Everyone has. You said it yourself. Knowing is always better. I want to know, Clary. I want to know.''

Clary buried her head in her hands. ''I don't want you to know,'' she admitted.

Jocelyn didn't respond to that. Clary could hear footsteps as Luke walked closer. ''Clary,'' he said. ''Is it because of Jonathan? Are you afraid to tell us because Jonathan has something to do with this?''

His tone was void of any accusations, any assumptions. Clary managed to look at her parents again. Jocelyn looked intently at her, fearing her answer. Luke maintained a perfectly neutral expression, but Clary could sense his worry as well. She didn't want to do this. She didn't want to tell them. But she didn't have a choice.

''When Max came back,'' she said softly. ''He brought Jonathan with him.''

Luke nodded. ''He told us. He believes he's different.''

He's how he was, Clary thought bitterly. How he was before we abandoned him.

''How does Jonathan effect what happened to you?'' Jocelyn asked. ''Where you were? Why you went to Lake Lyn?''

Clary balled her fists to keep her hands from shaking. ''I went to Lake Lyn to help me remember.''

''Remember what?''

Clary inhaled deeply. ''Remember the things I forgot when you had Magnus block my sight.''

Jocelyn blinked in confusion. ''What could you have forgotten?'' she asked. ''Faeries in the park and the scars on my back?''

Clary shook her head. The knots in her stomach got tighter. ''When Magnus blocked my sight,'' she went on. ''I forgot how- how his spell would come undone.''

''Undone?''

''How I told Jonathan how to undo it.'' Her parents stared at her uncomprehendingly. ''Because I knew Jonathan,'' Clary went on. ''I knew him.''

Jocelyn's fingers grabbed the back of the couch as she looked at her daughter. ''What do you mean, you knew him?''

''I met him when I was nine,'' Clary said. ''He came to our apartment.''

Jocelyn shook her head. ''No. No.''

''He came, and I met him. And he told me about the Shadow World. He's how I knew how to use and draw runes. When we found out you were having Magnus block my Sight, I made a rune for him to use so he could undo it. That way I would always remember him and the things we did together. And that's all that came back last night. All those memories of me and Jonathan and how we knew each other before everything that happened.''

A horrible silence filled the air as Clary's words registered with them. ''Clary,'' Luke said softly. ''How could you have known Jonathan without- well, without-''

''Without you knowing about it?'' Clary finished harshly. She shrugged. ''We were sneaky.''

Jocelyn looked at Clary. ''Sweetie,'' she began. ''Please don't be mad at what I am about to say.''

Clary bit her lip in anticipation. ''Okay.''

''You have to understand,'' Jocelyn said carefully. ''How it looks.''

''How what looks?''

''Jonathan comes back,'' Jocelyn said. ''And all of a sudden you have these memories…''

''Not all of a sudden,'' Clary said, heating rising in her face as the suggestion made itself clear. They think I am being manipulated. They think I am being controlled like Jace was. ''This was happening before Jonathan came back, before Max brought him back.''

''Are you sure?'' Luke asked. Clary's heart beat faster.

''Of course I'm sure.'' Clary had been prepared for them to be mad and afraid. She had not prepared for the possibility they wouldn't believe her. ''And besides, he didn't remember either. I brought the memories back to him.''

Luke and Jocelyn looked at her, and Clary could tell they weren't convinced. ''It's true!''

''Okay.'' Jocelyn held up a hand. ''So, you're saying that you knew Jonathan when you were nine so therefore everything that happened last year is forgotten?''

''Obviously not,'' Clary hissed, unable to contain her anger. ''The Heavenly Fire burned away what was evil in him, Mom. He's human now.''

''So that makes it okay?''

''Oh my God.'' Clary couldn't believe the tone of voice her mother was using. It was as if she were a foolish little girl. ''The Angels let Max take Jonathan so Jonathan could atone for what he did. He spent weeks in the Seelie Queen's prisons, being tortured so that Max could come home. He helped me when I was feeling like I was going crazy from these thoughts in my head and without him I would've gone crazy and never gotten my memories back and all you can do is lecture me on everything that happened last year? I know what happened last year, mother. Okay? I assure you, not all is forgotten.''

''But forgiven?''

''No. I have not forgiven Sebastian, the demon who we fought last year. But Jonathan, my brother? He was a victim. And there's nothing to forgive.''

Clary saw her mother's eyes flash but she didn't care. She was shaking from anger. ''This-'' she said, holding up her hands. ''Is exactly why I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you to feel-''

''Feel what, Clary?'' Jocelyn's tone was like iron. ''Feel what?''

Clary bit her tongue. She wanted to say guilty, because that's what she thought her mother would've felt. Guilty that she could've had the son she mourned for. But it was clear she did not feel any guilt. The look on Jocelyn's face was the one Clary remembered from the day her mother did not remember- anger, resignment. Jonathan was a demon and couldn't be saved. To say otherwise was inaccurate.

'She suspected Valentine was alive.'

A horrible thought occurred to Clary. Maybe that day in the kitchen, Jocelyn refusing to help Jonathan wasn't anything new. Maybe she always knew he was alive. After all, if she thought Valentine was alive, why not her son? If the bones of Michel Wayland hadn't convinced her of her husband's death, why would the bones of a little boy convince her of her son's?

Clary put her hands down. She was shaking. ''I can't do this,'' she said in a whisper. ''I can't-''

She broke off, going down the hallway and ignoring her parents' calls. She muffled her sobs into her hand as she entered her room, closing the door behind her. She leaned against in shock as the daylight illuminated her room, it's trashed state mimicking how she felt at the moment. Broken, torn apart.

Clary slid down against the door to the floor. She buried her face in her knees as she cried.