Okay, guys. Here's a long-awaited request from Headacheing. I own nothing, and I'm basing this on the Disney movie (like, the cartoon one, not the creepy Tim Burton one). Please take a moment to read AND REVIEW once you've read it! I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks!
ATHENA IN WONDERLAND
Athena had had a very long day of doing schoolwork. So, she begged her mother, Metis, to take her outside and do her history lesson under a large tree.
"Fine," said Metis, "but only if you promise to focus."
"Yes, Mother," said Athena bitterly. So, she took her history book and her owl outside.
"What's with the owl?" asked Metis.
"I can't get rid of him," said Athena. "He won't leave me alone!"
"Well, what have you tried?" Metis said, sitting in a fresh patch of grass and taking out a textbook.
"I thought about killing him—"
"How do you know it's a him?" her mother demanded.
"Because every time I ask, 'Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?', he replies, 'One, two-hoo, three.'"
Metis was starting to have doubts about Athena's wisdom. "Okay, which part of Ancient Greece did we leave off at, daughter?"
"Uh…" said Athena, but a tree branch (like, a big-ass tree branch) came down and cracked her on the head. Athena blacked out…
What felt like three seconds later, she woke up staring at a white rabbit, who was carrying a watch and a—caduceus? Athena only knew one person who did that all the time. Hermes, the fleet-footed idiot messenger of Olympus and other stuff. Although, Athena had never seen Hermes look like a rabbit before.
"Excuse me, Mr. Hermes," said Athena.
Hermes ignored her. He glanced at his watch and freaked. "Oh, by my whiskers! I'm late, I'm late for a very important date! No time so say hello! Goodbye, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!"
"Are you going to a party or something?" asked Athena. "It must be awfully important if you're flipping out about being late."
"No, no, no!" screamed Rabbit-Hermes. "Being late won't do, 'cause first I have to poo! No time to stop and chat with you. I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!" And he disappeared down the rabbit hole.
Athena—being the curious goddess she was—followed Hermes down the rabbit hole. She couldn't seem to find him because he must've fallen very deep already, but she still followed him anyway. She met many strange things on her way down, too. First, she happened upon a mirror that turned her upside down. Then, she happened upon a set of books that opened themselves for her to read. Once she was done with looking through the books, she sat herself down in the floating rocking chair.
Athena finally fell out of the rabbit hole and found herself in a room with a small door. Athena ran over to the door and twisted the knob, but the door apparently had a face to it, too, so it said, "OUCH!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," said Athena.
"That's okay," said the door. "Just come on in. Welcome to Wonderland!"
"Is this like Peter Pan or something?" asked Athena.
"Who's Peter Pan?"
"Nobody," said Athena. "So…" This next part was pretty awkward. "How do I get into Wonderland?"
"There's a bottle of nectar above you," the door said. "Drink all of it and you'll become small enough to walk through the door to Wonderland!"
Athena downed the nectar in one big gulp, then she shrank down to a much smaller size. "Well…" she finally said, "I guess I can go through now."
The door opened and Athena found herself staring at two people whom she knew very well. One—she was pretty sure—was her father, Zeus. The other was her idiot uncle Poseidon. They were both way heavier than they were back in the world above, but Athena felt that it would be best not to say anything about that.
"Father?" said Athena. "Lord Poseidon?"
"Who?" asked Poseidon. "I don't think I know who you are."
"A typical thing for you to say," said Athena. "Father Zeus?"
"I'm not Father Zeus," said Zeus. "I'm Tweedle-Z. This here is Tweedle-P. We like to tell silly stories and sing silly songs to piss each other off."
"You two pissed each other off every day on Olympus," Athena pointed out. "I'm actually following a white rabbit named Hermes, so have you seen him?"
"Why?" asked Tweedle-Z.
"I'm curious to know where he's going," said Athena.
"Why?" echoed Tweedle-P.
"Because…that's what I do," Athena said.
"Oh, well," said Tweedle-Z. "If you're that curious, then I don't suppose you'd like to hear the story of the Jackson and the Grace."
"Who?"
"It doesn't matter now," said Tweedle-P. "You're in much too much of a hurry."
"I guess I could stay a bit longer," said Athena.
"Well," said the gods. "Here's the story, then!"
"This story's called the Jackson and the Grace," said Tweedle-P.
"Or," said Tweedle-Z, "the Story of the Oysters."
"If I had to guess," said Athena, "I'd say this story starts off with your sons."
"Nope," said Tweedle-Z.
The Story of the Jackson and the Grace
The story begins with Jason Grace and Percy Jackson walking through a scene that had both day and nighttime sides to them. Tweedle-Z and Tweedle-P were taking turns telling the story.
Jason and Percy were skipping along the sandy beaches, when Jason looked at Percy. "The time has come," Jason said, "to talk of food and things! Of pizza, cheese fries, and delicious onion rings! And while the day is freaking hot—and whether gods have wings—c'mon, Percy, let's go eat some things!"
"Can you put someone else in Percy's place?" asked Athena.
"Quit interrupting. The story is good, we promise," said Tweedle-P.
Percy shrugged and nodded but didn't respond in poetry. Instead, he said, "Mm-kay," and led Jason underneath the water to a patch (patch?) of oysters.
"Dude," said Percy, "look at these oysters. They'd be perfect for our restaurant!"
"I think that we can take them, and no one will miss them," said Jason, for once dropping his poetry-like voice. "Come along, Percy. We'll start building the restaurant here!"
So, Percy and Jason collected all the oysters from the oyster patch and ran up to the beach to create their own oyster restaurant. There was no one on the beach that day, and the boys were getting rather hungry. Jason told Percy to fetch some sauce for the oysters (along with some bread and butter), and to meet him in the dining area.
Once Percy had fixed a delicious cocktail of sauce, bread, and butter, he found that Jason had eaten all the oysters!
"The hell, dude?" screamed Percy. "Those were meant for sharing!"
"Well…yes," said Jason. "But I was just so hungry that I kinda ate them."
"I see that," said Percy. "But you should've given me at least half of them."
"That's my cue to leave!" Jason yelled, jumping up and running out the door with Percy at his heels.
The End of the Jackson and the Grace Story
"What did you think?" the gods asked.
"That was stupid," said Athena.
"We thought it was rather sad," said Tweedle-Z. "What did you think?"
"Didn't I just give you my opinion?" asked Athena. "I said it was stupid!" She began to walk quickly away. "I think I'll be going now."
"Okay," said the gods. "Well, you have fun on your adventures!"
"You're both too stupid for this job anyway," said Athena. And she walked off.
A little while later, she happened upon a flower garden. Athena wasn't really that interested in flowers. But, hell, if they could talk, that was pretty sweet!
"What a bunch of nonsense," said Athena. "Flowers don't talk."
"Of course we can," said a pretty red flower. "I'm Demeter, and this is my daughter Persephone."
A yellow flower shook wildly.
"So," said Athena, "do you guys sing or something?"
"No," said Persephone sadly. "We have to be really, really drunk to start singing."
"I see," said Athena. "Have you, by chance, seen Hermes the White Rabbit?"
"Yeah," said Demeter. "He just went through the garden eating a giant carrot. I thought, for a minute, he was going to eat us, but thank the gods he didn't! He said he was late."
Persephone giggled. "That means two things."
"Please pardon my daughter's inappropriate interpretation of the term late," said Demeter, glowering at Persephone. "If you want to take a quicker route, you'll have to pass by Hecate. She's the smoking caterpillar."
"Oh, great," said Athena, and she ran off.
She found Hecate, lazily smoking on a leaf.
"Ahem," Athena cleared her throat. "Are you Hecate?"
"Yes," said Hecate, breathing out smoking letters. "Who…R…U?"
"I'm Athena and I'm following a white rabbit named Hermes. I don't know where he went."
"Y?" Hecate asked.
"I'm curious as to where he's heading," said Athena.
"Oh…" Hecate blew out a stream of letters, so that it looked like she was texting her answer to Athena. "U got 2 go 2 the T party," she said.
"Tea party?" asked Athena.
"It's led by Apollo and Dionysus," said Hecate. "Off…U…go!"
Athena followed Hecate's advice and headed for the tea party that was hosted by Apollo and Dionysus. While she was walking, she happened upon a cat…that looked a lot like Ares.
"Out of the way, punk!" barked (or meowed) Ares. "I'm busy being a stupid cat for some reason!"
"Ares? You're a cat?"
"Yeah, a Cheshire cat," said Ares. "And if you're Athena—I mean, you look an awful lot like Athena—you're pretty stupid since you don't know your animals."
"I'm just looking for Hermes the White Rabbit," said Athena. "Do you know which way to go?"
"I don't think it matters, punk," said Ares the Cheshire cat. "Do you know which way Hermes went?"
"No," said Athena.
"Then," said Ares, clearly getting annoyed now, "it doesn't really matter…but I will tell you that—if you're looking for a white rabbit—he went that way." Ares pointed with his tail in front of Athena.
"Hermes did?"
"Who's he?"
"The rabbit."
"What rabbit?" asked Ares.
"Didn't you just tell me that he went ahead of me?" asked Athena.
"I might've," said Ares. It was clear Ares had been put in Wonderland to give Athena a migraine.
"So…where should I go?"
"Weren't you listening, stupid?" asked Ares blankly. "I said go straight. You'll probably find him at the tea party!"
Athena rolled her eyes, kicked Ares out of the way (causing him to hiss and meow at her indignantly), and headed toward a gate in the shape of a bottle of wine.
"Happy Un-Birthday, Apollo!" she heard Dionysus saying.
"Why, thank you, Dionysus," said Apollo. "And Happy Un-Birthday to you as well!"
"Ooh…" said Athena. "Excuse me!"
"There's no room!" yelled the gods.
"Looks like there's plenty of room," said Athena, glancing around the big table that was occupied by two gods sitting on chairs.
"Were you invited to this party?" asked Dionysus.
"No."
"Then, there's no room," said Apollo. "Is it your Un-Birthday?"
"What in Hades is an Un-Birthday?" asked Athena.
"It's just like your birthday, but it's not a big deal," said Apollo.
"Do I get presents?" asked Athena.
"Nope," said Apollo cheerfully. "You only get presents on your birthday…but not your Un-Birthday."
"Would you like some tea?" asked Dionysus.
"He's just mad about tea," Apollo explained. "Just take some from him. He didn't spike it or anything."
"Hey, Hermes!" yelled Dionysus. "What's—?"
"I'm late, I'm late!" screamed Hermes the White Rabbit. "I'm late for a very important date!"
"Well, where are you going in such a hurry?" asked Apollo.
"To greet Hera, Queen of Farts!" screamed Hermes.
Athena started to laugh.
"Why's that funny?" asked Hermes.
"Because Hera likes to fart," Athena giggled.
"Oh, get all your giggles out now," Dionysus said. "The Queen of Farts doesn't like to be made fun of. In fact," he said, taking out his phone, "I should probably text her gardeners. They'll need to pick the roses today."
"Hera has gardeners?" asked Athena. On Olympus, Hera usually liked to do her own gardening.
"Well, she makes her daughters Hebe and Eileithyia do it," said Apollo.
"Nah, they're dead," said Dionysus. "They got their heads chopped off, remember?"
"Oh, yeah," said Apollo. "I remember now."
"Well, I'd best be off," said Hermes. "Coming, Athena?"
Hermes, being a fleet-footed white rabbit, ran way far ahead of Athena, so she found it hard to keep up and keep track of him. Finally, she ran into Ares the Cheshire cat again, who told her she was a total idiot and told her to take a left at the next break in the trees.
Athena, in fact, did hear noises coming from the pathway she was walking down. Then, she saw some girls gardening. They looked like they were in a total panic and were painting something red.
"This is all your fault, Reyna!" one of the girls yelled.
"Why's it my fault, Annabeth?" Reyna screamed, painting a white rose red.
"Because Queen Hera asked for red roses, not white ones!"
"Guys, c'mon," said another girl. "It was just a mistake."
"Piper, that's how Hebe and Eileithyia got executed!"
"Excuse me," said Athena, "but I couldn't help overhearing that you need to paint these roses red?"
"Well, yeah," said another girl. "I'm Hazel, and we're all gardeners of Hera, Queen of Farts."
"We accidentally planted white roses by mistake," said Piper.
"And Queen Hera likes them red," said Reyna.
"And it's all Reyna's fault because I don't like her," said Annabeth.
Athena ignored this. "Well, let me help you."
Annabeth handed her a paint can and a brush and ordered her to get going. Within two minutes, they were singing a song:
"Painting the roses red, we're painting the roses red.
If Hera saw, she'd clench her jaw and then chop off our head.
And if we want to keep our head, we'll paint all the roses red!"
Then, they heard the blast of trumpets and a bunch of demigods and minor gods came into view.
"Queen Hera!" the girls screamed. They quickly threw their paint brushes and cans to the side, trying to hide them under the nearest hedge.
Leading the parade of demigods and minor gods was none other than Hermes. Being the parade was—in fact—Hera, wearing an outfit of red and white. At her side was Hephaestus, which Athena thought was very weird. Shouldn't Zeus be there? Then, she remembered that Zeus was being an idiot somewhere else.
"Her excellency!" Hermes yelled, and everyone bowed. "Her royal majesty, Hera, Queen of Farts! And her royal son Hephaestus, Prince of Farts!"
Hera and Hephaestus, who'd been riding in a chariot of red and white, hopped off and landed with grace on the ground. Hera smiled and waved at everybody, then her smile faded. She looked towards her gardeners. She began walking toward the girls. Athena, who never really had a fear of Hera, was starting to feel nervous.
"What's this?" Hera asked in a dangerously calm voice. A trickle of red paint had fallen onto the grass. "Who's been painting my roses red?"
She walked over to Piper and barked at her. "Was it you?"
"No," said Piper. "It was Annabeth!"
"No," said Annabeth. "It was Reyna!"
"It was Hazel!" yelled Reyna. "I'm a Roman, so I obviously don't make mistakes!"
"But I'm also Roman!" yelled Hazel.
"But I was a Praetor in my past life," said Reyna. "So, I'm perfect!"
"Mom, maybe you shouldn't kill people unless you hold a trial first," said Hephaestus.
"Shut up!" yelled Hera. "Off with their heads!"
"Dammit," said Reyna.
"Your fault," said Annabeth as the guards grabbed her.
"And who are you?" Hera asked, taking Athena's chin in her hand.
"I'm a girl," said Athena.
"Where do you come from, then?" asked Hera.
"Uh…"
"Taking too long," barked Hera. "Where are you going?"
"I'm trying to find my way home," said Athena.
"Your way? You'll be taking my way!" screamed Hera. Then, she looked at Athena. "Wanna play some croquet?"
"What?"
"Just a game we rich and important gods play," Hera said.
It didn't take long for the Queen of Farts to announce that Athena was "cheating", so they decided to hold a trial for the goddess.
Hermes, now dressed in a nice suit and tie, walked up to a random podium that was in the garden and said, "This trial is covering the cheating of Athena, which caused Hera—Queen of Farts—to lose her temper."
"Off with her head!" yelled Hera.
"Uh…Mom," said Hephaestus, "we need to ask questions first, remember? The first witness is Apollo."
Apollo strode up to the podium.
"Where were you," said Hermes, "five minutes ago?"
"Spiking Dionysus' fortieth cup of tea today," said Apollo.
"Okay," said Hephaestus. "Thank you, Apollo. Next is Dionysus."
Dionysus struggled to the podium because he was slightly looped.
"Where were you," said Hermes, "five minutes ago?"
"Drinking tea, for today's my Un-Birthday," said Dionysus.
"It's my Un-Birthday, too," said Hera. "But first, we give Athena her sentence."
"I think it's the other thing," said Athena.
"Not here," said Hera. "We do the sentence first, then the verdict comes afterwards!"
"I think Athena should be cleared of all charges and should be invited to Queen Hera's Un-Birthday party!" Hephaestus suggested.
"Great idea," said Hera, Queen of Farts.
Apollo and Dionysus snapped their fingers and a cake appeared in front of Hera, who blew out the candles. The cake turned into a large present, which Hera opened. Out came Ares, the Cheshire cat, and scratched Hera on the face. "You suck, Queen of Farts!" yelled Ares, and scampered away.
Hera and Hephaestus started to run after him, and Athena took that as her cue to leave. But Hera and her guards were following closely behind her.
Athena, who was running at a great speed, came across Hecate, who was still lazily sitting on her leaf, smoking text messages to anyone who wanted to read them.
"U…R…in trouble," Hecate hissed as the letters and words came out of her mouth.
"What should I do?" Athena said. Suddenly, she saw the door she'd seen before. "Mr. Door!"
"What?"
"I need to get through!"
"Yeah," said the door. "You're on the other side, too. Look!"
Athena peered through the keyhole. Sure enough, she saw herself asleep underneath a tree.
She could hear Hera, Hephaestus, and their guards catching up to her. Her heart was pounding as she yelled, "Athena! Wake up! Wake up!" She shut her eyes.
When she opened them again, Metis was standing next to her with her hands on her hips. "Were you sleeping while I was trying to teach you about Ancient Greece, Athena?"
"No, Mother," Athena replied. "I was at a magical tea party to celebrate my Un-Birthday. And I met Hecate, who liked to smoke text messages at people—"
"What the hell is wrong with you, Athena?" asked Metis irritably. "You make me so angry I could whack you across the face." She checked her phone. "Never mind. Let's go home. It's dinnertime."
Okay, I hope you guys liked that. Sorry it took me so long to write. I'll admit I got a bit confused while I was writing, trying to attach stuff from this story to the movie as much as I possibly could.
Anyway, please READ AND REVIEW! More stories to come soon!
