Okay, guys. Here's one of my favorite classics: The Outsiders, one of the best books I was ever forced to read in school. Let's pretend that no one is related in this story, because the Seven are all the greasers, and the Greek/Roman gods are all the Socs. Some characters may seem OOC, but it's okay because they're helping me with this amazingly awesome parody of this novel.
I don't own this book (S. E. Hinton does), nor do I own PJO/HOO (Rick Riordan does).
Okay, now that we've got that straightened out, on with the show! Oh, yeah, please review when you're done, even if it's just a little happy face or something, I would GREATLY APPRECIATE IT! Let's see if we can get five reviews for this chapter! Thanks and I hope you enjoy! :)
THE GREEKS AND THE ROMANS PART I
When Frank Zhang stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of his new house in New Rome, he had only three things on his mind: Hazel Levesque, Hazel Levesque, and the fact that he was so hungry his stomach was going to start screaming at him.
Frank was just walking along, wishing that Hazel was there for company. When suddenly, two guys stepped out of this random dark alley. One of the guys had a purple toga on and a dark beard. The other guy also had a toga on but didn't have a beard. Well, thought Frank, beard or not, these guys could totally kick my ass.
"Hey," drawled the bearded guy, "what've we got here?"
"Looks like a punk Roman demigod," said the beardless guy.
"What should we do, Mars?" asked the bearded guy.
"Well, Jupiter, I'd say he's in for a major ass-kicking!" yelled Mars.
Before Frank could yell, "Help me before I wet my pants!", Mars and Jupiter pinned him to the ground and Jupiter took out a huge pocketknife.
"You need a haircut, Roman demigod kid," Jupiter sneered happily. "How about here?"
"No," said Mars. "I think you should cut it…here!" He took Jupiter's knife and gave Frank a nasty gash on his neck.
Frank bit at them, the ichor flowing through his teeth as he continued to cry for help.
Suddenly, about six people ran at the gods at once and started to punch and kick them. Then, the gods ran away, acting like babies because they'd gotten scared of some demigods.
Someone picked Frank up and hauled him to his feet. "You okay, Frankie?" asked Jason, the leader of the gang.
"Yes," Frank grumbled. "Could you not call me that? I'm not a chick, Jason."
"I'm sorry, man," said Jason.
Percy ran over to the boys and looked at Frank's neck. "Holy crap," he breathed. "They tried to cut you!"
"No, Percy," Jason said. "They did cut him." He turned to Frank. "Don't you ever carry a weapon with you or something, Frank? You don't use your head, do you?"
Frank shook his head. "No, sir. I don't."
Jason nodded, as if this pleased him. "Okay. C'mon. The gang's waiting for us."
Frank followed Percy and Jason (whom he lived with for some reason) back to the neighborhood where they lived in peace and harmony.
Frank immediately saw Hazel (his girlfriend who looked like a wreck because of her terrible mother). Hazel made Frank feel way better, even though her situation was far bleaker than his. He next spotted Piper McLean, the daughter of Aphrodite. This was weird because Piper had been thrown into prison a few weeks ago for stealing yet another BMW…then trying to Charmspeak her way out of going to prison.
Frank then saw Annabeth Chase, who was one of the smartest people he knew. She was dating Percy, and they both worked at the same gas station to get some extra money for living in New Rome. Frank honestly thought Annabeth was scary as hell, so the fact that Frank was relieved to see her was a mystery to him.
Finally, Frank saw Leo Valdez, the little punk who liked to start fires just to piss everyone (including Frank) off. Frank and Leo had never really gotten along, but they got along better than—let's say—Apollo and Artemis.
"I thought you were in prison, Piper," said Frank as he gave Hazel a kiss on the forehead.
"I got out early for good behavior," said Piper. "To celebrate, I think I'll hit up a movie tomorrow night. You know, like, I'll sneak in and not pay for a ticket. Who wants to go?"
"I'll go," said Hazel. "I'm sure Frank would like to come, too."
Frank started to stutter. His tongue just didn't want to work. "Y-yeah," he stammered. "Which movie is it?"
"Gods of Egypt," said Piper bitterly. "I mean, I'm not going to actually watch the movie. I'm just going to cause trouble, maybe steal another car or some food—I don't know."
"That's okay," said Jason, "just remember, we all need to be at the Senate meeting promptly at eight the next morning."
Frank rolled his eyes. Even though he and Jason were basically the same age, Jason always treated him like he was a child. Percy didn't get that crap from Jason, though.
Later that night, Frank and Percy were hanging out in their room. Percy was throwing a tennis ball at the wall while Frank was trying to figure out some Chinese handcuffs.
"Just ask Annabeth about those tomorrow," said Percy. "I'm tired. Let's go to sleep."
"Hey, Percy, why did you drop out of school?" asked Frank, the minute his head touched the pillow.
"I don't wanna talk about it."
"C'mon, dude…"
"Well…it's because I'm dumb."
"No you're not," said Frank, sitting up. He looked at the bed next to him.
"Dude, when I get good money and get a good job, I'll leave New Rome and marry Annabeth. But don't worry, I've got a feeling that won't happen for quite a while, so you're stuck with me for a while longer."
Frank laughed, then fell asleep.
The following evening, Hazel and Frank met Piper outside of the 7-11. Piper was casually Charmspeaking to the woman behind the counter. It must've worked, because Piper walked away from the counter with a free slurpee and a banana and a whole ton of candy.
"Ready?" said Piper.
"Yep," said Frank. He squeezed Hazel's hand. "I mean, I think Hazel and I will pay."
"You guys always follow the rules," said Piper.
"Rules help keep people out of trouble," Hazel said.
"Rules were meant to be broken, Levesque," snapped Piper. "Now, come on. If we get there too early, we'll have to pay to get in. And you know how much I hate that!"
Once the sun had finally gone down, Piper led Frank and Hazel to a nearby chain link fence. She crawled under it and the two good citizens followed her. Piper then ran towards a few cars that were parked.
As they were walking, Frank caught a glimpse of two beautiful women walking with—what looked like—their boyfriends.
"C'mon, Juno," one of them drawled, "just try the drink!"
"Go away, Jupiter! I told you! I'm never going out with you when you're drinking AND I MEAN IT!"
"Jeez," said Jupiter. "Fine, then." And he began to walk away. "C'mon, Mars!"
Mars, who was busy making out with the hottest girl ever, ran away with Jupiter.
The girl—supposedly Jupiter's girlfriend—huffed and turned to the other girl.
"This sucks," said the prettier girl. "Mars said he would stay here with us if Jupiter ran off, Juno."
"Yeah, well…" Juno looked at the girl. "Venus, Mars says he's going to do stuff but then doesn't do it—"
"Mind if we join you guys?" asked Piper, scaring the living crap out of Juno and Venus.
"Not at all," said Venus. "I'm Venus and this is my BFF, Juno. We were here on a date with our boyfriends, but they seemed to have—uh—left."
Venus had the prettiest blond hair Piper had ever seen, and Piper was instantly jealous of it.
Juno—the other girl—looked a bit irritated that Venus had invited Piper and her friends to sit down, but she didn't say anything.
"Can I get anyone a drink?" asked Piper. "I'll actually buy it, Frank."
"Do you mean…you steal things?" asked Juno.
"Of course. I just got out of prison for stealing a BMW."
Juno and Venus glanced at each other. "No thanks," said Venus.
Piper stood up. "Fine," she snapped. "I'll get some for the three of us."
Frank gave her some money. "Use this," he said. "It's called money. When people want to buy stuff, they pay with it."
"I don't know what you're trying to say," Piper bitched. "But I'm just gonna go buy a few drinks and I'll be back."
Five minutes later, the police came to get Piper and tried to haul her demigod ass to prison once again. Then, they saw Piper use her Charmspeak and the police let her go with a warning. Piper shrugged, looked around, and decided to leave the place before she got into any more trouble.
Meanwhile, Frank and Hazel became fast friends with Juno and Venus. It turned out they were from the nicer side of town but didn't seem to mind that Frank and Hazel came from the crappy side of town.
"So, I've heard you talk about Piper, Percy, Annabeth, and Leo," said Venus. "Tell us about Jason."
"Oh," Frank said. "Yeah, Jason doesn't like me much. He's always telling me what to do, and I'm literally the same age as he is!"
"That sucks," said Venus. She gave the demigods hugs. "Well, hopefully we'll see you two around."
Juno nodded and the girls left.
"I don't feel like going home yet," said Hazel. "Let's go into the old parking lot and hang out for a bit."
Frank liked spending time with Hazel. So, he walked next to her as they headed to the old parking lot (where no one ever went because it was old and worthless and stuff).
Hazel took out a pile of old newspapers and made herself a little bed. Hazel had a bad home life because her mom—Marie Levesque—was a crazy witch voodoo chick and she and Hazel didn't get along at all. So, to avoid seeing her mother, Hazel often slept out in the old parking lot or in her friends' homes if it was too cold.
Frank didn't remember falling asleep as the two of them sat next to each other, but he must've because he heard Hazel waking him up what had to be five seconds later.
"Frank! FRANK!" Hazel shook him awake.
"What time is it, Hazel?"
"Like…oh…two in the morning," Hazel said sheepishly. "I fell asleep, too. You're so warm…"
"Okay," Frank said, standing up and shaking the leaves from his pantlegs. "What's Jason going to say?"
Frank soon found out what Jason was going to say. Jason and Percy were watching a movie in the living room when Frank sashayed into the house.
"Where in Hades have you been?" barked Jason. "It is two-fifteen in the morning, dammit!"
"Dude," Percy said tiredly. "Where've you been?"
"Okay, don't get mad," said Frank, "but I fell asleep in the old parking lot."
"WHAT?!" yelled Jason.
"I said it was an accident," said Frank.
"I would've called the New Rome police," said Jason, "but then they'd separate us and make us go live with Reyna, and I don't want to live with Reyna, Frank! She's scary as hell!"
"How about we just forget about this whole thing and get some sleep," Percy suggested.
"Shut up," Jason snapped. "You're always sticking up for Frank!"
"Leave him alone!" Frank screamed.
Apparently, Frank had touched a nerve, because Jason shoved him. Down Frank fell, but he was soon back up and rushing out the door to go see Hazel once again.
Hazel—who'd been tossing and turning in her bed of old newspapers—started when Frank reached the parking lot again. "Frank?" she asked sleepily. "What's—"
"Jason hit me, Hazel," said Frank shakily. "So I ran. C'mon. You're coming with me."
"Um…"
But just as Frank was about to pull her along with him, he saw the headlights of a very familiar-looking chariot coming towards them. The chariot parked a few feet from them and out came Jupiter, Mars, and—for some reason—Cupid.
"Well, well, well," said Mars, burping because he was wasted. "Look at…this, Jupiter."
"Remind me again why we brought Dr. Love along," snapped Jupiter.
"I told you, man," Mars hiccupped. "He kinda just barges into the car. Plus, he can help us with this fight."
Jupiter nodded and looked at the demigods. "You guys know what demigods are?"
Hazel and Frank shrugged.
"Little puny mortals with no lives trying to save other people," Jupiter snarled.
"You know what gods are?" asked Frank. "Big, fat losers who have sex one too many times!"
"That's the best you can come up with?" asked Cupid. He started laughing.
"At least I don't look like an overweight flying baby," said Hazel.
"I have a feeding problem!" yelled Cupid. Then, he started crying and flew away.
Before the other gods made any kind of move, Frank spit at them, causing a chain reaction. Mars and Jupiter first threw Hazel down on the ground, then they picked up Frank and brought him over to the fountain that just so happened to be in the old parking lot (because I said so). And they began to dunk Frank.
Now, Frank was an okay swimmer. He wasn't great at it, but he wasn't terrible. He figured that he would be dead in a few minutes anyway because Jupiter and Mars continued to dunk him into the fountain. Frank kept yelling for Hazel, Percy, Jason—anybody—to get him out of this mess. Just then, he saw a golden curtain fall over his eyes while he was in the water.
Hazel pulled him out of the fountain and placed him up against the side. Frank shook the water from his hair, and he looked next to him. Jupiter wasn't there, but Mars was. Mars had golden ichor leaking out of his chest, and some of it had gotten onto Frank's shirt, while most of it had gone into the fountain.
"Hazel?" asked Frank. "What…how…"
"I killed him," Hazel said shakily. "I killed him. I mean, I know he's a god, but in this story, anyone can die!"
"Well, then," said Frank, "we gotta do something now." He snapped his fingers. "Hey, where does Piper usually go after she's been in a fight?"
"Reyna's," said Hazel.
"Yeah. I've got a feeling Piper had a fight with someone tonight and went over to Reyna's house," said Frank. "C'mon. Let's go over there!"
Reyna currently lived in a small house that was decorated from top to bottom in purple. There were purple flags, purple tapestries…everything was purple. Even the door—which Hazel knocked on—was purple.
The door flew open and Reyna's roommate, Lavinia Asimov, looked down at them. "Hey," Lavinia said tiredly. "What's up?"
"Is Reyna here?" asked Hazel.
"Yeah," said Lavinia. And she ran to get Reyna.
"Hazel," Reyna said as soon as she saw the demigods. "And Frank."
"Reyna, I killed someone," said Hazel, in a tone that someone would use if they were talking calmly about the weather.
"Good for you," Reyna said, giving Hazel a rare smile. "Lavinia! Give Hazel a piece of chocolate!"
Lavinia came over with a box of fancy chocolates.
"Everyone who kills someone gets a piece of chocolate," said Reyna happily, "because that's a very Roman thing to do."
"Do we get the whole box if we kill Octavian?" asked Frank.
"Sure," said Reyna.
"Can I have some, too?" asked Frank.
"No," snapped Reyna. "Did you kill someone?"
"No, but I was almost drowned."
"But did you kill anybody?"
"No."
"Then you can't have a chocolate. That's the Roman rule." Reyna turned to Hazel. "Piper's upstairs. She got in a fight with Clarisse tonight and she's got a few broken ribs or something."
Hazel and Frank ran upstairs to the guest room. Piper was sitting up in bed, watching TV and trying not to wince every time she breathed.
"Hey," said Hazel. "Can we talk for a minute?"
"Sure," Piper said. "I think I'll be here for a few days."
Hazel sat on the bed while Frank stood by the door.
"Pipes," said Hazel, "remember that Mars fella?"
"Hazel, you really need to get out of the thirties," Piper scolded.
"Anyway, I killed him," said Hazel. "Frank was being drowned by him, Jupiter, and that fat-ass Cupid baby thingy."
Piper laughed, then winced as her broken ribs caused her pain. "Go on."
"We're wondering if the police will catch us when they find out that Mars is missing."
"Of course they'll come looking for you guys," Piper said in exasperation. "But they won't catch you necessarily. I've got a plan for you two." She pulled out her wallet (yes, in the rare instance Piper needed to actually pay for something, she had a wallet with her) and pulled out a hundred bucks. Then, she gave Frank a Camp Jupiter t-shirt (which pissed Frank off because it gave him a painful reminder of Jupiter), and gave Hazel the address for an abandoned store on Neptune Drive they could go to for protection.
"When you get there," said Piper, "buy a week's supply of food and don't leave the store. When I think the coast is clear, I'll come over and check on you guys."
Once Hazel and Frank had gotten their supplies and thanked Piper, they set off on their new adventure together.
After a long, long, long, long, LONG-ASS while of walking, they made it to the old store. It kind of looked like it had once been a 7-11, but who cares anymore? The point is that Hazel and Frank were safe (for now) and no one could find them (for now).
"Okay," Hazel said after about a day in their new "home", "I got some bacon, some beef jerky, some bananas, some pops, some candy, and a Harry Potter book. All the five major food groups and the comforts of home."
"How are we gonna heat up the bacon?" asked Frank.
Hazel had found a small pan near the back of the store and a box of matches. "Like this," she said. She struck a match and lit some sticks on fire.
"What if we have to poop or something?" asked Frank.
"Go to the bathroom," said Hazel.
"When do you think Piper's coming to get us?" asked Frank.
"Don't know," said Hazel blankly. She threw the Harry Potter book at him. "Just read that. It's entertaining."
Frank shrugged and took the book over to the corner where he was sleeping.
"Oh," said Hazel. "I almost forgot. We need to do something with our looks because the police will be after us."
They decided that Frank would become completely bald and that Hazel's hair would be about two inches shorter. Frank was cutting Hazel's hair while she mourned the loss of her gorgeous curls. Hazel was cutting Frank's hair while he mourned the loss of the little hair he already had. Finally, they both went outside to admire their reflections in a pond.
"How many people you think have died in this pond?" asked Hazel.
"Damn," said Frank. "We could've drowned Mars here!"
"I think maybe…eight or nine," said Hazel. "You?"
"Maybe no one," said Frank. "Hey, Hazel?"
"Hmm?"
"When we get back, would you maybe like to uh…um…cuddle with me on the couch?"
"Why not your bed?"
"Oh, if I brought you into the bedroom with me, Percy would know about it, and he can't know about what we do in the bedroom. Plus, Jason will find out sooner or later." Frank shook his head. "I think we should take things slow for a bit and see where it takes us."
Hazel rolled her eyes. "But…Percy brings Annabeth home all the time."
"Yeah, but he's smart and Annabeth climbs in through the window. Plus, Percy made me swear on the Styx I wouldn't tell Jason about it."
Hazel pondered something before she said, "Do you think Reyna and Octavian have ever cuddled on the couch?"
Frank thought about this. "I though I saw them once when I was spying on Octavian one night like the creeper I am."
Hazel laughed. "Did it look like they were?"
"I don't know," said Frank. "Probably just my imagination."
They stood at the edge of the pond for a few more moments before they finally headed back inside. When they got in there, Piper was casually playing with a feather that had fallen from the ceiling. "Hey, guys," she said coolly. "Enjoying ourselves, are we?"
Hazel and Frank's faces turned beet-red.
"We were just talking, Piper," said Hazel. "That was quick that you came up here."
"Yeah. You guys wanna go get some food? I'm starving my ass off!"
"Sure," said Frank.
Piper took them in her newly stolen car, and they headed to a McDonald's drive-thru.
"So," said Piper as they all dug into their chicken nuggets, fries, and shakes, "the word's out that Mars is gone, and that Hazel killed him. But," she emphasized, "Venus came around and said that you guys strictly fought him, Jupiter, and Cupid in self-defense. So, that being said, there's probably going to be a hearing at the Senate in a few weeks for everyone, but I think everything's going to be okay."
"We were going to go back and turn ourselves in anyway," Hazel confessed.
"Don't you like being on the run?" asked Piper.
"Not really. Kinda miss my house and my terrible mother," said Hazel bitterly. "By the way, did she ask about me?"
"No," snapped Piper. "And only Percy asked about you, Frank." She threw her trash on the ground like a good citizen. "Let's just go back and get your crap from the store."
But when they got there, there was this massive fire that was surrounding the place.
"Did I leave the bacon on?" asked Hazel. Then, she sniffed the air. "Yep, I think I did."
"Dammit, Haze!" screamed Piper. "Look!"
In front of the store, there was a group of little kids (probably the ones from New Rome Elementary School). There were two teachers who looked like they were in a panic.
"Minerva," screamed one of the teachers, "some of the kids are missing!"
"No, they're not, Diana!" the teacher called Minerva said. "Weren't you watching them?"
"You hear that, guys?" said Piper. "Sounds like it's time to be heroes!"
Hazel and Frank ran up to the store's wall and broke it open with a big rock. Then, they clambered inside. Soon, they heard a little voice yell, "Help me! Over here!"
"You okay?" asked Frank.
The little kid bit him.
"Ow, you dumbass kid!" yelled Frank.
Meanwhile, Piper and Hazel were cooperating and helping kids out of the burning store. Suddenly, just as Hazel was about to go outside, a beam from the roof cracked her on the back and she collapsed. Piper and Frank—after the rest of the kids were safe—went back in and grabbed Hazel's body. Then, they too collapsed.
To be continued…
