The conversion therapy scenes are inspired by Riverdale. I also researched it and am trying my best to make it accurate in here because I can't really trust the writing of Riverdale. Although I won't get it exactly right because there wasn't much about conversion therapy, I tried my best. Also, by no means is being gay a mental illness.
And to the reviewer, Angel Gal, I will eventually post this story on AO3. I'm slowly starting to transfer everything over because I don't think that FFN will last too much longer (as shown by the many advertisements). Thank you for reviewing!
o-o-o
Remember the time when Ponyboy said that he wanted to stop making mistakes? Well, he made a huge one. It was only when he was standing in front of the hospital that he would be going through conversion therapy at, did he regret his decision. He wanted to make things right again, but at what cost? His identity and sanity? If only he could just delete factors of himself without going through the useless torture that this hospital was going to put him through.
With clammy hands shoved into his pockets, Ponyboy gulped when he was completely checked in as a patient. New clothes were handed to him as he was told to get changed into them and to hand over all of his possessions that were on him, which wasn't much. He only brought the clothes that he was wearing that day.
"Welcome to St. Louis Hospital," the lady who checked him in introduced after he changed into his new clothes. "I hope that when you leave here, you will become a new man."
He was led out by another employee, not even bothering to say goodbye to his brothers. They didn't want to talk to him anyway until he was "cured" of this "mental illness". The employee led him through a labyrinth of hallways that were within the undecorated, bland hospital. While Ponyboy was following him, he took a look around the place. He was going to spend weeks or maybe even months there, probably. He might as well get to know the place better from the get-go. Besides the rundown facility, there were a few males that were walking around, all wearing the same clothes that he was wearing—a blue polo shirt, slacks, and a cardigan. They all wore slippers as well. Ponyboy was too. He didn't understand why they couldn't wear shoes. Maybe it was to keep the floor clean because it didn't seem like a janitor came by every day. Or maybe it was to help prevent people from running away since it's hard to even walk outside with bare feet.
Ponyboy held eye contact with many of the other male patients, seeing how lifeless their eyes were. They were practically void of everything. It was as if life had been sucked right out of them. They were gaunt—skinny and pale as if they did not receive to correct nourishments for survival. Skin clung to their bones, making them look much older than what they actually were. Ponyboy could tell that many of them were around his age, if not a few years older. They looked dead; stripped of everything that made them individuals.
That's when it hit Ponyboy. They were all just like him: gay. They had all received the same types of treatments. Was he going to turn into them? Was life going to leave his eyes as well? How long have they been here? How long will it take for Ponyboy to mirror them? He didn't want that to happen to him. He still wanted to stay himself.
The employee led him to a room, which was somehow plainer than the hallways. It only had a bed and a dirty toilet on the other side of the wall. Ponyboy could bet everything that he had that the mattress was a brick and covered in bedbugs. There was a small window as well, too high for him to look out of and too small for him to fit his head through. That was the only source of light, which wasn't much at all since his window wasn't even in the direction of the sun.
This entire place was more like a prison than it was a hospital.
"This is your room," the employee explained. "We will come and get you when it is time for any sessions, mealtime, or free time. When out, there is no conversing with other patients," the employee instructed.
Ponyboy looked at him in shock, jaw slightly ajar. "No talking?" he asked. Even though he was, to the most part, an introverted person, not speaking to anybody for however long he was going to be there seemed like torture in itself. What was he supposed to do besides stare at a wall?
"It's to prevent the mental illness from getting worse."
That wasn't how it worked but Ponyboy wasn't going to argue about it. He didn't want to get off on the wrong foot on day one. "Okay…"
"It will be time to go and eat and to go to the first session soon. Until then, get yourself accustomed to your new home."
With that, the door was shut, leaving Ponyboy alone in the dim room. He sat down on his bed, the scratchy blanket already irritating his hands. He bounced himself slightly on the bed, frowning. He was right. It was a brick. With a sigh, he leaned back against the wall, shutting his eyes. He had only been there for a few minutes and he was already missing so much. He wondered if Archer would even notice him gone. But he couldn't think about him.
There was no turning back now.
o-o-o
It felt like hours until the door to his room was opened again.
"Time for dinner," an employee said. "Get out and head to the cafeteria."
Without a word, Ponyboy stood up and let the employee lead him to the cafeteria where he was able to see how many patients were in the hospital with him for the first time. There weren't too many people. Maybe twenty at most. He didn't count them. They didn't even glance at him when he entered the cafeteria. But why would they? They were all silently eating, not taking their eyes off of their trays.
Ponyboy grabbed his own tray, letting the cafeteria workers slap some food onto it before he sat down at an empty spot. At first, he played with his food, moving his fork around in it for a short while. He awkwardly stared at the other people around him before finally giving in to his hunger. He brought up a forkful of food, scooping it into his mouth. As soon as it touched his tongue, he almost spat it out at how dry it was.
Christ! How could anybody eat this? He wasn't a picky eater, but this was inedible! The food made his mouth feel like a desert!
He glanced at the person in front of him, feeling the urge to talk to him and get some weight off of his shoulders. Ponyboy knew that he wasn't supposed to talk to anybody but what could they honestly do to him for asking a simple question? He glanced around the room, examining every employee. Nobody was facing him. It seemed like the perfect setup for him to talk.
"Hey," he whispered to the person across from him, who hardly gave him even a glance. "What's it like here?"
"There's no talking," the person only murmured before going back to his food.
But Ponyboy wasn't finished yet. "But why? It's not like—"
"You're going to get us in trouble. Please, stop talking to me."
"What are they going to do if they catch us talking?"
The guy opened his mouth again but was stopped when an employee walked over. He instantly went pale, going rigid in his seat. "No speaking to other patients. You both know the rules. Mr. Curtis, since you are new here, I'm going to let you off with a warning. But, for you," the employee said, turning to the person in front of Ponyboy, "come with me."
"But I—" the person stammered, eyes wide.
"Come with me."
Defeatedly, the patient stood up, leaving his food on the table, and followed the employee out of the cafeteria. Ponyboy didn't see him again for a while after that.
After everyone ate, the employees led them to a theater room. One by one, each patient was given a small dixie cup with a pill inside of it. Ponyboy looked at it suspiciously. Why were they giving him drugs? Something was off. He was trying to escape drugs, not take them. He watched as everyone else nervously took the medication. If they were taking it, it was alright, right? Following everybody's example, Ponyboy swallowed down the pill and sat down in front of the projection screen. He wondered what they were going to show them. It didn't take long until he started to feel funny, but he passed it off as nervousness. Although there was nothing to be nervous about yet.
Many minutes had passed before the lights were shut off. The room was lit up by the projection. It was just a movie, Ponyboy tried to reassure himself. He liked movies. As soon as the movie started showing, he knew that he was so wrong. A blush instantly bloomed across his face as he looked down, but the sounds were still so loud. On the screen was explicit gay porn, which seemed counterintuitive with the room of gay men. What were they trying to accomplish anyway? How did they even get ahold of gay porn when homosexuality was a crime, to begin with? Man, the gang would laugh at this "treatment" if he told them about it. But, right now, Ponyboy wanted to throw up.
No. He actually wanted to throw up! Not even metaphorically.
His stomach clenched painfully, turning nauseatingly. He hugged his stomach, squeezing his eyes shut. Something was wrong. What was happening to him?
From right next to him, the guy gagged, and Pony could hear him throw up, but, strangely enough, he swallowed it down before it could exit his mouth. He saw many other people do the same, some even fully throwing up on the floor. Ponyboy wanted to throw up just from that alone.
That's when Ponyboy felt it. He felt vomit shoot up his throat, pooling in his mouth. He gagged on the terrible taste, ready to throw the bile out, when an employee walked over, tapping him on the shoulder.
"Swallow it down," they commanded. Ponyboy shook his head. He couldn't do that! And, besides, other people threw up on the floor! "Do it or you will be punished."
Ponyboy didn't want to find out what they meant by being punished. Eventually, through a lot of struggling, Ponyboy managed to get it all down, feeling gross. He continued to watch the movie, again feeling the vomit rise up his throat. The scene wasn't even explicit this time! What the hell was going on?!
The pill. It had to be the pill if everyone who took it was throwing up.
Ponyboy knew what they were trying to do. They were trying to make them feel sick whenever they thought of two gay men together.
Ponyboy swallowed down the throw up again, wanting to cry. He couldn't take it. His breath stunk, his stomach hurt, his throat burned, and the taste in his mouth was so unbelievably bad that he just wanted to wash it out with soap.
Still, he kept swallowing it down, even though it was one of the most difficult things that he had ever done. If this wasn't being "punished" he didn't want to know what was.
He somehow managed to get through it until the end. The drug didn't last that long, but it was effective. All Ponyboy wanted to do was to run to the toilet and throw everything up. However, the movie was changed out for another one. He begged that they wouldn't give him any more of that drug.
Instead of a homosexual movie, they played straight porn. Again, he felt heat rise to his cheeks, although he wasn't interested in it whatsoever. He just couldn't help it. He was only fourteen. Was he allowed to watch this at his age?
But, on the bright side, at least he wasn't throwing up anymore. They didn't drug him up for this part, which Ponyboy knew had a purpose. He tried his best to tune everything out. However, the moans of the two people carved into his brain still.
It was day one and it was already torture.
How long was he going to go through this?
o-o-o
Ponyboy went to bed crying that night. If this was an everyday occurrence, he just couldn't do it. No wonder all of the patients looked dead. This was torture and all Ponyboy wanted to do was go home. He missed everyone. He missed the gang. He missed Archer. He even missed his brothers. Tears streamed down his cheek, wetting the pillow beneath him. This was a mistake. Why does he have to keep making mistakes?
He was weak. It hadn't even been a full twenty-four hours yet and he was already bawling like a baby. Man, he hated his life. Why couldn't he have been straight like everyone else? He was so happy with his life before Archer came into the picture, messing everything up. But… he was still happy with the time that he had spent with his ex-fake boyfriend. For months, Archer made him feel so euphoric.
God, he missed Archer so much. He missed his loving touch, his cocky smile, his everchanging scent, and their playful banter. If Archer was here, would he comfort him?
Ponyboy dug his head into the pillow. No, he probably wouldn't. He only comforted him so he could continue using him. But that didn't explain all of the times that Archer looked out for him after rejecting him. Archer made him so confused.
Exhaustion finally hit Ponyboy like a bulldozer. He slipped into unconsciousness with a trail of tears down his cheek and a foul taste of vomit still on his tongue.
It wasn't long before he was woken up. Although, he wished that he hadn't woken up at all because what was about to happen to him was a lot worse than the vomiting. When he woke up again, masked figures were looming over him. Instinctively, Ponyboy jolted, trying to sit up but he quickly found out that he couldn't. His limbs were tightly tied down to the bed by belts. He struggled against them, but they didn't loosen up even the slightest bit. He suddenly felt claustrophobic.
"What—" he started, trying to get out a sentence. However, he was unable to comprehend what was happening. The doctor and nurses seemed to ignore him as they brought a terrifying-looking machine into the room. What were they planning on doing to him? What even was that?
He figured out the answer to that when one of the nurses placed a leather belt into his mouth while another put something around his head. Something cold touched both of his temples and a sickening thought flashed into his mind.
Electrocution.
As if a switch was turned on, Ponyboy kicked widely, twisting in the bed like a worm in an attempt to slither out of his restraints. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. They were planning on electrocuting him!
He needed to get out! He had to get out!
He was going to die here!
"Now, Mr. Curtis," the doctor said, not even worried about Ponyboy struggling so much, "I'm going to show you a video. If we find that you have any interest in it, then the punishment will start."
This was the same as the vomiting, but more painful. He breathed hard, knowing that he couldn't escape his fate. This was it. This was what was going to break him. He didn't want to be like the other patients, but it seemed like his resolve was going to break on day one.
A screen was placed in front of him. He was barely able to see it from where he was lying down. Again, homosexual porn was played on the screen. Ponyboy shut his eyes, trying his best to block out the sounds, but he couldn't help the blush that rose to his cheeks. The innocence that came with his age was going to be the death of him.
All of a sudden, a blinding pain washed over Ponyboy. His eyes went wide, vision turning white, as his body went rigid. He clamped down hard on the leather belt that was in his mouth that muffled his screams. His back stiffly arched against his will.
It hurt! It hurt! It hurt!
It felt like he was tossed into lava with a thousand needs being pressed repeatedly into his skin. His muscles contracted, making it feel like his own body was trying to crush him into nothing. The corners of his vision started to go dark, and, before he could fall into unconsciousness, the pain stopped.
He slumped on the bed, disoriented and breathing hard. The movie resumed, but he could hardly focus on it. Although the shocks had stopped, he could still feel the tingle.
At one point, the doctor noticed that he wasn't focusing on the film and shocked him again. A scream exited his mouth, body convulsing again. It was a wonder how he didn't have a seizure—it sure felt like he was going through one.
But that was about it before everything suddenly went black.
o-o-o
A few days had passed since Archer had seen Ponyboy last, and he started to fear for the worse. It wasn't like him to skip so much school. And after the incident on the roof… he had the right to be worried.
A week passed by and there was still no Ponyboy. Something had to be up. At least he had the solace that he wasn't dead because the whole school would be talking about it, and he still saw Pony's friends around and they looked fine.
But it would make him feel better if he knew that he was alright.
He walked around the school after freeing himself from his friends. Eventually, he saw Johnny, Two-Bit, and Steve standing together. Two-Bit was the first to see him, holding eye contact with him. Archer jerked his head to indicate that he wanted to talk to them somewhere in private and he was glad that Two-Bit understood the gesture. The greaser spoke to Steve and Johnny for a second before all of them started walking towards him.
"So, what's up?" Two-Bit asked when Archer led them to the empty boys' restroom.
Archer hummed, thinking about different ways to go about asking what he wanted to ask. He settled on saying, "Do you know where Ponyboy is? I haven't seen him in a while."
At his question, the three of them look at him funnily after exchanging looks with each other. That's when Steve said something that Archer was fearing. "What are you talking about? Wasn't he with you?" Steve asked.
"No… Why would he be with me?"
"Well, he hasn't been at home at all, so we just assumed…" Johnny explained, panic starting to form on his face. If Ponyboy wasn't with Archer and he wasn't at home, where was he? "He was always with you when you were dating him."
"Well, he's not." Crap… Ponyboy might have been hurt somewhere (or even dead, but Archer didn't want to think of that as a possibility). "Do you think that his brothers would know where he is?"
"I doubt it," Steve answered, crossing his arms. "They don't care a rat's ass about him."
"But Ponyboy couldn't have just disappeared," Two-Bit reasoned, a serious expression on his face. His eyes were narrowed sharply as he chewed on his inner cheek.
"I think that we need to talk to Darry and Soda," Archer suggested. "I… We… really need some answers."
"I agree."
"Yeah, me too," Steve added.
"We need to talk to Dally first though," Johnny brought up causing the rest of them to look at him in confusion.
"Why Dally?" Two-Bit asked. He just seemed like he would blow up on Darry and Soda right now.
"Because he always gets what he wants. If he wants answers, he'll get answers."
Archer nodded in agreement. Dally scared him shitless but if he could get the information about Ponyboy's whereabouts, he was all in. "Let's do that. I'll meet you all after school ends."
They all agreed, dispersing from the boys' restroom. It felt like decades before school ended. When the final bell rang, Archer was the first person out of the classroom. He got up so quickly that he almost forgot his backpack. He would have forgotten it if his teacher hadn't stopped him, telling him to slow down. But he just couldn't do that. Every second counted.
He tapped his foot impatiently outside of the school, waiting for Steve, Johnny, and Two-Bit to get out as well. When he finally saw them, they quickly made driving plans before they were off.
They made it to the Curtis house in record time after finding Dally and explaining to him what was going on. They barged into the house, seeing that Soda was just about to leave for his shift and Darry had the day off. The two brothers instantly zeroed in on Archer, being the oddball of the bunch, but before they could tell him off, the Soc was already in front of them.
"Where's Ponyboy?" he demanded, snarling.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Darry growled back, balling his hands into fists. His muscled bulged and Archer knew that he had to tread around the two carefully so that he wouldn't get hurt.
"Don't give me that bullshit! You know exactly where he is! So, where is he?"
Soda frowned. "Why should we tell you?" he asked.
So, they did know something about Pony's disappearance.
"Because if you don't tell me where he is, I'm going to—"
"You're going to do what? Are you going to fight us? We're one moment away from pulverizing you, and I doubt that Ponyboy would want you to fight with us."
Archer opened his mouth before closing it, grinding his teeth. They were right. He couldn't do anything to them and that pissed him off even more. He was seething when Dally pulled him away from the two brothers, deciding to step up right then and there.
He stood inches away from Darry, disregarding Soda who took a step back. He jabbed his finger into Darry's chest, glaring daggers at him. "Where is he, man?" he barked.
"You asking the question isn't going to make me tell you," Darry retorted.
"Yeah!" Soda backed up, crossing his arms.
Dally huffed, smirking although irritated. "I'll tell you what," he started, grabbing ahold of Darry's shirt. "You tell me where the fuck Ponyboy is or I'm going to make your life a living hell, you dig?"
"Try me," Darry hissed.
Knowing that the two of them were going to start fighting, Steve stepped up. "Soda, tell us where he is now. If you're my friend, you would tell us," he pleaded.
That seemed to catch Soda off guard. He snapped his head to his best friend, eyes softening. At that moment, Steve saw the friend that he grew up with. His arms dropped as he looked at Steve in confusion. "But, why? Why would you be worried about him?" he asked.
"Because he's still Ponyboy. You know, your little brother? He's everyone's kid brother. We care about him and we just want to make sure that he's alright. So, if you really value our friendship, tell us where he is."
Soda paused for a moment before finally nodded, although reluctantly. He didn't want to tell them because he knew that they would go and try to rescue him, and he wanted his little brother back to how he was before. But Steve was worried, and he was his best friend. He knew that he had to do some stuff that he didn't like for him.
"He's…" Soda started, swallowing thickly. "He's in a place where you can't get to him."
"What do you mean?" Steve questioned. Finally, they were getting an answer.
"He's going through conversation therapy right now."
That caused Archer to grow rigid. He knew quite a bit about conversion therapy from the articles that had read about it. None of them had anything good about them. They were always labeled as inhumane. And if Ponyboy was going through that… Archer shook his head. Just thinking about it made him sick.
"Conversion therapy?" Archer coughed, heart stopping.
"What the fuck…" Steve murmured, shaking his head.
"Ponyboy…" Johnny whispered.
"Why?" Two-Bit mumbled, unable to comprehend the new information that he was just told.
Dally slammed Darry backward, using all of his might to cause the other to stumble. "Why the fuck would you send him there?" Dally growled, just itching to sock Darry.
Darry looked at him coldly and blankly. "He needed to get better," he simply replied.
"He's gay! Why can't you just accept that? It's not some mental disease!"
"It is! He needs to change how he thinks!"
"He's your brother!" Archer screamed, holding himself back from rushing over to Darry. "Do you know what goes on in there?"
"Good work if they are making him better."
Unbelievable… How could Ponyboy live with his brothers? "Not better. They are torturing him!"
"If that's what it takes."
"You're a terrible person! You should be the one who gets locked up, not him!"
Archer's face was red with anger. His hands were trembling with how much rage he was feeling. He ran his fingers through his hair before he punched a hole in a nearby wall. His knuckles stung, but he couldn't care less about that.
"Calm down, Archer," Two-Bit tried to soothe. "We're going to get him out."
"What hospital?" Johnny asked Soda, throat dry.
"St. Louis hospital," Soda answered. "Maybe they will take Archer in too."
Archer spun around to charge at Soda, but Two-Bit quickly grabbed him, restraining him. He cursed at Darry and Soda but didn't do much else.
"Archer, it's going to be alright," Johnny said. Golly, Archer was scary when he was angry. "Take a deep breath. We're going to get him back."
The Soc stared at him before nodded, following his instructions. Slowly, his face started to return back to its original color. When he finally calmed down, he declared, "Let's go break Ponyboy out of that hellhole."
o-o-o
Hey, readers! I have a question for you. Would you like Soda and Darry to start accepting Ponyboy? Or would you like them to hate him throughout the entire story? If you want them to be more accepting, how would you like them to come to realization?
Thank you!
