Forgive Me for My Lack of Faith

Jelena prayed. She had always prayed several times a day, but rarely with such a heavy heart.

Are you even there, my Lord? How can you allow innocent children to be lured into torture in your name? Can I trust your holy symbol anymore, or the people who pay homage to it? Those who have nothing left have always turned to your followers, knowing they will do what they can to help them... but what if there is such corruption preying on them in many places? In your name. Preying on those who no-one listens to, who have no money or power, who are the easiest targets to take advantage of.

Forgive me, my Lord, but I feel anger. Anger at you, and doubt. Do you even care? Do you only care about the number of your followers, about gaining power?

Realizing how blasphemous she was being, Jelena ceased the prayer and wept. She became aware of Winski's worried eyes intent on her. Still, Winski remained at his side of the room. He understood that Jelena's spiritual communication was a part of her own inner landscape no-one could intrude. Just like Winski needed his own time for pondering and reflection before he was ready to share his musings. This mutual respect and understanding of another's private space was one of the cornerstones of their love.

Jelena resumed her prayer.

That outburst was unwarranted, my Lord. Forgive me. I am grateful for everything you have done for me. You have given me the man I love, you have helped me to save him, both from Hades and his own self. You have given me a whole family, sent me on a mission of love. It is just that I have always trusted you so completely... it never occurred to me that there could be rotten apples using your name.

My faithful servant... consider this a lesson. No god is omnipotent, not even Ao who lords over all of us. Life is a complex tapestry of many aspects, and we all fill a function. I have not been aware of this man whose existence has upset you so. I charge you with a mission. Find out the truth about him, and if he is indeed responsible for this monstrosity, bring him to justice. To the earthly one, or one of your own judgement.

Forgive me for my lack of faith.

Do not trouble yourself over it, Jelena. You were honest and there is no fault in that. Just put a stop to this twisted evil, and I shall aid you.

Imoen glanced at Winski. They shared a tentative smile. The pain on Jelena's face seemed to ease.

Jelena walked to them, some of her usual serenity regained.

- "My Lord answered my prayer," she said. "He talked to me. It is as you say, Imoen. No god is omnipotent. Hm, stupid of me. Why would he need any agents if he could arrange everything himself? He charged me to get to the core of this. I just..."

She looked unhappy, wringing her hands.

- "You would hate to distract Sarevok, correct?" Winski ventured.

- "Yes... and Peri also has been adamant that we must not be distracted by general causes, that we must keep our destination clear and travel to Kara-Tur."

- "I don't think this is a general cause for either of them any more," Imoen said. "Especially not for Sarry... you should have seen his eyes when he carried the kid."

- "No doubt it resonates with his own experiences," Winski nodded. "I also think that Tamoko would approve. Her judgements were always about whether things are honorable. I never got total grasp on how that is defined in the mind of a Kozakuran, but I do know that she would find it extremely dishonorable not to do something about this."

- "I hope you are right," Jelena sighed. "I can physically feel Sarevok's emotions to some extent. He still loves Tamoko so much... he is like a man who has lost his beloved wife only yesterday, the aching hole inside of him radiating primal pain. Knowing it is his own fault eats him alive, and he is so focused on doing what he can for Tamoko."

- "He can be a masochist that way," Imoen nodded. "That it feels unpleasant doesn't matter to him - he WANTS to feel pain and guilt, you know. Then he can feel that he is paying for all the wrongness he has done."

Imoen was quiet for a moment and sniggered.

- "Sometimes I think he sees himself as this tragic figure in a great melodrama and has already written a script for himself... 'and then the tormented warrior forever mourned his lost love, burning a candle every midnight at her grave site, staring at the indifferent moon and praying for the forgiveness that never would come'. It would be funny if it wasn't that sad. No matter how many times I tell him that I have forgiven him totally, absolutely, what he has done to us he doesn't really buy it. The guilt gives him purpose."

- "Insightful," Winski smirked. "For Sarevok, a fate worse than death would be not to feel, not to be part of something grand. He prefers pain to indifference. But I agree, I would like to see him in a more productive frame of mind. Now he just savors his pain."

- "Give him time," Jelena said. "He is just starting to realize that he has an immortal life ahead of him, in a complex and indifferent world."