CT: Another chapter, another opportunity for Kristoph to start a prison-wide musical number about his hatred for his arch-nemesis. I swear, at this point, Kristoph is becoming the poster boy for this fanfic's villain song parodies. But can you blame me? Just look at Kristoph. This is a guy who had Phoenix disbarred and then pretended to be his friend for seven years, as well as stalked two reclusive artists who never left their home and an eccentric reporter who I wouldn't be surprised has at least ten severed heads on a shelf in his bedroom, before proceeding to murder a man with a bottle- all because he was fired after losing a game of poker. Y'see, it's that kind of over-the-top insanity those villain songs were made for. So when the song that inspired this parody popped up in my related videos list on my YouTube app, I instantly knew that this would be the perfect song for our favorite nail-painting sociopathic creepsicle. Not to mention, I could easily picture Kristoph having Neil Patrick Harris' singing voice.
JP: so sorry about the delay in updating guys! Mea culpa! But I KNOW this awesome entry was worth the wait! Never heard of this song, or this series, but after checking it out, I am putting it on my "to-watch" list! Is there anyone out there who doesn't love that caped crusader? Tell us what you think of my funny partner's own unique song choice…as well who your fave Batman was!
"No-Good Plight"
Sung to the tune of "Drives Us Bats"
from the animated series Batman: The Brave and the Bold
It was a sunny summer afternoon and instead of being cooped up in their cells, the prisoners of Central Prison were allowed to enjoy it as they were herded out into the courtyard by several guards. Though on this day, instead of the courtyard being a wide-open environment in which there was more than enough space to move around in, the prisoners felt quite cramped due to a large wooden stage that was covered with an absurd amount of blinking neon lights taking up most of the area, atop which Warden Fred Leeman watched with a grin as his wards gathered before him and loudly grumbled about how there was nowhere to stand. But after some moving around, the prisoners went quiet as Fred began to speak.
"Good afternoon, prisoners, and welcome to the First-Annual Central Prison Talent Extravaganza! As you know, we're holding this competition in order for you all to get to better know your fellow prisoners, thereby promoting harmony and goodwill, while also allowing newer inmates to feel more comfortable here. Anyways, our first contestant was originally going to be Lance Amano, but after getting a call from the prison physician notifying me that Kristoph Gavin is indeed a male, much to my surprise, I feel that it's only fair that I let him start off the show. So everyone, give a big round of applause to Mr. Kristoph Gavin!"
At that moment, the crowd of prisoners started clapping as Kristoph walked from the side of the stage, taking the warden's place in front of the microphone.
"Thank-"
"W-Wait a minute!" Lance objected as he rushed over to the warden and his fellow prisoner, clutching a piccolo in his fist as he glared at the two men. "You can't just change up the order like that!"
"Oh, but I can and just did, Mr. Amano." Fred responded with his usual jovial tone, albeit with a tiny hint of ire in his voice. "Now please, step aside, be quiet, and let Mr. Gavin perform."
"But it's not fair!" Lance pouted with a stomp of his foot. "I took the time to make sure that I filled out the first spot on the signup sheet! Not to mention, I practiced really, really hard in order to ensure that I started things off with a bang!"
"Well, Mr. Amano, Mr. Gavin could say the same thing when I made the mistake of moving him to the female section of the prison and making him perform in 'Central Prison Waltz' with those women… and Mr. Atishon." Fred calmly retorted.
"Vote for Paul Atishon!" Paul shouted out from the crowd."
"Thank you for that, Mr. Atishon." The warden responded with a chuckle before regaining his composure with a sigh. "So anyways, Mr. Amano, if you continue to make things more difficult for Mr. Gavin, then things may get more difficult for you later this evening if you catch my drift…" Fred stated, his tone becoming much more sinister despite the grin on his face. "So are we going to have any further issues, Mr. Amano?"
In response, Lance simply nodded, his posture hunched over as he took a few quick steps over to the side of the stage.
"Good!" Fred chirped with a clap of his hands. "So without further ado, it's all yours, Mr. Gavin!" The warden stated as he walked over to the side of the stage where Lance was standing.
"Thank you, Mr. Leemann. My performance will be a musical number that I personally wrote in dedication of Phoenix Wright, an idealistic, idiotic, scheming menace to society who I believe we all can agree is nothing but a no-good plight! Hit it!" Kristoph snarled with a snap of his fingers, causing a jazzy song to start playing from a pair of speakers located on either side of the stage.
{Kristoph}
He's never seen without help,
Often a young, bubbly girl!
He spouts nothing but self-righteous clichés,
That make me want to hurl!
His magatama brings only blight,
It hardly makes for a fair fight!
That's why we're all in this prison,
Because he's a no-good plight!
{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}
He's a plight!
He's a plight!
He truly is a plight,
Plight,
Plight!
He is our pliiight!
{Kristoph}
Whether he's pressing all statements,
Or using some outlandish bluff,
He always comes out on top,
And we're left in handcuffs!
He looks and acts like a slooob,
His strategies are triiite!
That's why we're all in this prison,
Because he's a no-good plight!
{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}
He's a plight!
{Kristoph}
The Turnabout Terror!
{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}
He's a plight!
{Tigre}
Always gettin' in da way!
{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}
He truly is a plight,
Plight,
Plight!
He is our pliiight!
{Yogi}
Even without a parrot on the stand…
{Nichody}
He proves to be a pest.
{Means}
Other lawyers always aaask…
{Daryan}
Why do girls grin at him with delight?
{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}
He is our pliiight,
He's a pliiight,
He's a plight!
Upon finishing his song, Kristoph was met with a roaring round of applaud from the other prisoners as Fred took his place at the microphone.
"Well, I think it's safe to say that we have a winner! Everyone, give it up for our first-ever Central Prison Talent Extravaganza champion, Kristoph Gavin! Yaaaay!" Fred jovially exclaimed with a toothy grin as he took out a blue ribbon and pinned it to the ex-defense attorney's lapel as the egotistical sociopath puffed out his chest in pride.
"B-But I didn't get to play my song!" Lance angrily protested, squeezing his piccolo in his right hand as he glared daggers at the warden. However, the spoiled man's pleas were completely ignored by the other prisoners, as well as the warden, as they continued to cheer for Kristoph.
"Well, with that taken care of, this concludes the First-Annual Central Prison Talent Extravaganza. So, let's head on back inside the prison in a nice, orderly fashion so you all can continue to walk down the path to redemption. And remember, prisoners, I believe in you!" Fred chirped with a wave as several guards proceeded to herd the prisoners back into the building before going back in himself, leaving Lance on the stage, crying and alone as he played a sad little song on his piccolo.
Dual (because you know, we're a duet!) shout out of thanks and replies to the following awesomesauce readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!
Chapter 91
Forgreatcoffee
JP: Miles: I can't. It's wrong on so many levels. Plus, I could lose my job.
Trite: I shall serenade your worries away, my old friend.
Miles: Fine, you win...just stop singing! Ahem, let me show you a REAL singing voice!
Trite: PS. Take the magic thingy.
I don't usually give out gold stars for most witty/comical reviews but yours definitely takes the coffee cake, Señor Java! And speaking of stars, as much as I enjoy Shakira as a performer (yeah, the original song is not one my personal favourites by the hottie, although I will admit is catchy!) I think especially after the somewhat controversial (although I don't understand why! Farking prudish shit-asses should go do the Harlem Shake off a cliff thrusting their own perversions onto their children in such a sickening manner!) Super Bowl halftime show appearance with J-Lo that the sexy Colombian deserves her own star… on the MILF Hall of Fame! 😜
CT: And it's for that reason why JP was given full-reign over this parody so she could work her magic… that, and the original song's beat is incredibly painful for me since it messes with my heartbeat.
Joeclone
JP: I ship the Wrightworth bromance like FedEx, so your idea of Miles someday going from Chief Prosecutie to WAA made me giddy at the concept! My one regret is that in T & T, when Edgy is a defense attorney, we never got to see him and Nick be side by side behind that bench… it would have been epic! I mean, why can't they have Miles switch sides just once, even as an assistant to Phoenix sometime for shizz and giggles? Simon did it for Big Red! Albeit, in what was the worst case in the series, IMO (yes I hated Storyteller more than Big Top!) but I digress!
Always a pleasure to hear from you, sweetie! Here's your first 2020 cheek squish! (I forgot to give you one for TE!) ❤
CT: The way I see it, if Phoenix and Edgeworth were ever on the same side of the courtroom, it would basically become something out of an 'Investigations' game in which the latter all but pushes the former aside, essentially reducing him to the role of "that man" as he solves the case with very little help an reaps all of the glory.
Luckily for Phoenix, even if Edgeworth decided to go against his better judgement and become a part of an agency that pays its employees in dangerously salty noodles and quickly steal his thunder, it wouldn't last for long since our favorite maroon-cladded prosecutor would almost immediately have to quit and resume his role as chief prosecutor. I mean, between Franziska's stubbornness and eagerness to use her whip, Klavier's flamboyant, snarky tendencies, Simon's overall irritability and obsession with all things Japan, Sebastian being… well, Sebastian, and the fact that all of them have more baggage between them than a baggage pick-up area in an airport, I wouldn't be surprised that if within ten minutes of Edgeworth resigning, Sebastian would claim the position for himself, only to be immediately overthrown by Franziska and Simon beating the snot out of him, only for the two of them to quickly turn on each other and get into the fight to end all fights- I'm talking hair being pulled, furniture being thrown, doors being broken down, etc. Of course, being the wise-cracking rocker with a heart of gold that he is, Klavier would try to break up the fight with some nonchalant snarky comments, only to find himself being thrown through a window and falling 12 stories. All the while, Winston's standing in the corner trying to voice his opinion on the matter, only to be completely ignored by everyone in the room.
chloemcg
JP: I am delighted you liked your request, milady! I am honored that it's your favorite! 😊
As for why the title change between UK and US…Some things just make zero sense, love. In some cases, like Germany, the film was titled Zoomania due to a children's book by German author Kay Fischer titled Zootopolis released in 2010.
Don't bother asking Walt Disney. "In the UK we decided to change the US title Zootopia to Zootropolis to merely allow the film to have a unique title that works for UK audiences," a spokesperson said when queried.
So… to clarify, they're changing the title… because they're changing the title! 😛
Seriously though, my guess is that large cities are often referred to as a "metropolis" to make it obvious it's a large or capital city.
Fun fact: I read the entire Georgia Nicholson YA series when I was younger, and the titles alone are a hoot (the books themselves are a scream!)😂 and I just wanted to show you the UK titles in the series vs. the USA (which the protagonist lovingly refers to as "Hamburger-A-GoGo Land")
It's OK, I'm Wearing Really Big Knickers (UK title) / On the Bright Side, I'm Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God (US title) (No knickers here – but we aren't commando! Just prefer panties under our pants…which I know is another UK term for knickers. Talk about lost in translation!)
...And That's When It Fell Off in My Hand (UK title) / Away Laughing on a Fast Camel (US title) (2004) (methinks far too racy for the Yanks, even though the chaste, snogging only protagonist wasn't referring to !)
Luuurve is a Many Trousered Thing (UK title) / Love is a Many Trousered Thing (US title) (2007) (This one was dumb – I live in America Junior and I know what LURVE and its variants all mean…are my southern neighborinos really that daft?!)
CT: I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed the parody and are doing well! As for why "Zootopia's" name is different in the UK, my guess is that it's just a case of Europe being different, like how "Star Fox 64" is called "Lylat Wars", "Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus" is called "Sly Raccoon", and "Kirby's Return to Dream Land" is called "Kirby Adventure Wii".
DJJ680
JP: Jeezie Pete, I'd always thought Batman was a better superhero overall, but you just clinched it with that story! 😵(as if the Superman/Batman movie didn't make me loathe the former enough already!). Batman was my favorite superhero overall until Deadpool came along, because I like most gals like edgy, grittier guys with a tortured, dark side (something about those Alpha males… yet I'm not consistent I'm in love with Beta male Phoenix in a fandom where it's all about the frothing desire Alpha man Miles causing amongst the female masses!)
Since Nick's BFF is the world's worst closet otaku, I'm sure him knowing Shakira's songs wouldn't be what would make the animated attorney's jaw drop the floor; I think that'd more so be the case if he were to burst in on his friend secretly doing the Latina's trademark hip-shimmying in time to the music that would forever be seared into his stash of mondo Disturbia memory! 😛
CT: Frankly, I'd be surprised if Edgeworth wasn't into those things. After all, anyone who keeps up with society is well-versed in those kinds of topics. Heck, Edgeworth probably has that Shakira poster hung on the wall above the nightstand that he placed his stack of 20 or so Trot CDs on top of.
Though in my opinion, if it's not a universe in which Batman is an extreme nihilist who dresses up like a robot owl with grenade launchers installed in his armor and has the voice of James Woods, then it's not the best universe in which the Justice League goes bad.
thepudz
JP: "It has been a good, long while since I've played these games, but Phoenix Wright crossing a burning bridge for his lover (And yes, she is his lover, I refuse to say otherwise) is something that's always going to be etched into my mind."
It blows my mind that Phoenix would do death-defying feet… Especially when the man is acrophobic on top of everything else… and people still insist he looks at Maya as a sibling, which is a weaksauce denial counterargument to Phaya… Usually said by people who don't have siblings and generally those shippers. You and I have discussed this ourselves and I stand by my stance… sibling love?! Fuck that noise! Our respective siblings would be charred to a crisp if we were in Nick's shoes upon sight of that burning bridge but for our/my partner, I would definitely take the plunge, although no doubt would probably not just suffer a minor cold falling from a 40 foot suspension bridge because I am mortal and neither Superman, like Nick, nor the female counterpart… Wonder Woman!)
It's funny you mentioned Phoenix saying the F word because there was the one time I think it was Dual Destinies when we thought he was going to F bomb… And handed up sing fudge! Like dammit Nick you dirty boy you kiss your daughter good night with that mouth?😂
My darling Roo, it is such a delight to have you back on the Ace Attorney fandom boards again even if it's only as a reader this time and not as a regular writer since your reviews never failed to make me grin like an idiot!😄
CT: Don't forget all of the sibling moments between Edgeworth and Franziska. I swear, whenever those two are talking, it always feels like they're either on the verge of giving each other an awkward sibling hug or one of them's going to call the other one a "poopy head", only for the one being insulted to retort with "I know you are, but what am I?". Though whenever I think of Edgeworth and Franziska growing up, I can't help but imagine many a game night going horribly wrong because of the latter and her 'perfect' papa being the sore losers that they are- complete with at least one game board being flipped over.
Muhammad Sban
JP: You see this is most interesting as you're saying that Bitchtoff probably had no reason to have a grudge against Phoenix before he was rejected as an attorney… One of the head canons me and my homegirl, Lyn, are exploring in our Dalhstoph story… And I have touched upon in Turnabout Everlasting two more reasons he may have hated Phoenix. Number one because Phoenix refused to let a defence attorney defend him when he was accused of me as murder briefly in the first game for the former, and for the latter in Turnabout Everlasting I wrote that his resentment was building because he was get stuck with the bomb cases whenever Phoenix exposed the true culprit that Kristoph had no hope in hell of winning like Furio LeTigre.
One of the things that makes me so angry about the second trilogy is the pathetic feebleness behind the villain's motivation! Bitchtoff Gavin ruined a man's life because he lost in a poker game and allegedly getting a chance for fame and fortune… but he was already rich enough to afford 100 grand for forgery so how badly did he need that money? I don't even get me started on Robert Downey Depp who some people have seen as a sympathetic character! Why?! Because he is not ugly?! And looks like two of the most handsome Hollywood actors out there? I suppose those are the same reasons that the Periwinkle Piss Head has legions of fangirls because good looks override everything y'know, but y'see Roger Retinz is perhaps even more pathetic because he tried to frame a 17-year-old girl because he got a wittle boo-boo on his arm! *plays the world's tiniest violin*
Since the girl threw knife at a Segway and fake her own kidnapping I think Trucy would make an ace criminal although she seems to have matched if not superseded her sperm donor's magical talents sure she could probably disappear in the same manner but I figure should just tuck herself away into hiding inside those magical panties! Luckily, she's one of the good guys!
I don't know if you can really blame Zak being a piece of human excrement entirely on his father-in-law… Even without Magnifi's help he was a gambling addict with obviously latent abusive tendencies even if you take away the whole abandoning Trucy and severely beating both a petite innocent woman who was a trickster at best, and a pencil necked Poindexter whose only crime was being annoying AF.
The sequel to The Shining is called Dr. Sleep which has a 2013 book by the same name, was released last year staring at Ewan McGregor.
I absolutely love filling in the blanks and writing behind the scenes moments in the games that we know existed or at least should have existed and I'm delighted you thought I did this iconic one justice thank you so much dear reader!
Cheers,
JP.
p.s. Let's keep our fingers crossed for AA7 sending No-ew-ta to the Twilight Realm, hmmm? CT, HOW do you keep coming up with new names?! I thought Nah-poo-ta was the pinnicle of perfection for the putrid one!😂
CT: Even though Magnifi royally screwed Roger, he is far from being the King of Jerk's worst victim. That honor belongs solely to Thalassa, a.k.a. the person who Apollo inherited his horrible luck from. At least when Magnifi screwed Roger over, it could be justified on the grounds of recklessness and disobedience, but what was his excuse with Thalassa? All Thalassa did wrong was be the victim of a magic trick gone wrong, yet instead of giving his blind, amnesic daughter medical attention and support, he shipped her off overseas to fend for herself.
Oh my gosh, I just came up with a headcanon regarding Thalassa's "accident": Magnifi himself caused it. Enraged that his daughter had abandoned the troupe and returned only because her husband had died and her child was missing, Magnifi decided to kill two birds with one stone by not only punishing his daughter for her crimes against him, but also creating a way for him to blackmail his apprentices.
In a universe in which Trucy was never adopted by Phoenix and was instead taken in by Roger, a.k.a. the Miss Reus universe, she wouldn't be afraid to employ the sweet, bubbly personality that we all know and love her for as a mask in order to bend people to her will. As such, if Trucy was ever accused of murder and Phoenix was on the verge of losing the trial, chances are she would start crying, which would result in an instant acquittal without a second thought because making Trucy cry is a sin. Though if that strategy failed, considering how determined Trucy can be, her backup plan wouldn't be to simply disappear like her sperm donor did, but rather simply going on a rampage and killing everyone in the courtroom in a fiery inferno.
As for Gumshoe, based on the fact that he's more than happy to spend half a day cleaning Edgeworth's office, in addition to making his ringtone the guy's "Objection!", I think it's safe to say that the reason why Gumshoe's always so upbeat is that he worship Edgeworth like a god and feels that whenever his maroon-cladded lord cuts his salary, it's for the greater good. I swear, I wouldn't be surprised if Gumshoe hasn't appeared in the series since Phoenix's disbarment because he took a bunch of people down to Mexico and killed them, as well as himself, with poisoned noodle broth.
If there's a case in a future "Ace Attorney" game in which No-ew-ta is killed off, it had better be a suicide, because I don't think that I'd have it in me to see us convict a saint of a human being whose only crime was answering our prayers.
TheFreelancerSeal
JP: better late than never my dear friend and your reviews are always worth the wait! I hope this latest entry to our collaboration was worth the wait and I am so apologetic to our wonderful readers for taking so long to update… Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. That's all I can say even though I hate Woody Allen and the fact that this quote gets attributed to him very erroneously!
Miles Edgeworth had the best character development in the entire series and it is a far cry from the Duke of Doucheberry he started out as, but he's still so uptight that I can't help but enjoy messing around with the austere Prosecutie! If I'm not joking about him wanting to strangle people of his cravat or Phoenix contemplating it, one of the reoccurring gags and never get sick of is the whole it's not pink it's magenta joke which of course will not work once we get to Dual Destinies when it is obvious his gorgeous suit is now wine-colored although I can joke that having it be mistaken for pink is the reason he changed the color so thusly! Also, Harry Butz kills me as it came from the man who the anime insisted on calling Gumtree and Detective Suede Shoe!
Ah, what's in a name? Hilarity in the Ace Attorney world that is the answer! As for names I have a headcanon that names have power and the Ace Attorney cast call each other by nicknames such as the two best friends address each other as last names, Phoenix calling Trucy Truce, and Pearl Pearls, Maya calling him Nick, etc. however I think when they're trying to make a point they use the full name just to get the person's attention. I have made Phoenix refer to his daughter by her full name Trucy Hecate (Greek goddess of magic is why I chose that middle name) Wright whenever she's been naughty in my stories and I have Miles and Maya refer to the spiky-haired attorney as Phoenix whenever they're pissed off at him in the case of the latter, and in the odd bromantic moment with the former. That would be the reason why Miles flew back for his old childhood friend although of course shippers would want to romanticize the whole thing I suppose in a similar manner to me romanticizing Phoenix running across that burning bridge for our favorite couple… Although considering Harry Butz made the poor prosecutor believe that Phoenix was at death's door, I don't think sending a get-well card and a plushy would've been sufficient, do you?!😉
Zootopia was actually a very good movie it made me ship a fox and a rabbit and possibly the only cross-species shipping I've ever done in my life and only has the one song so it's more of a story than a musical and this is it! Try Everything is very catchy even though she cure is more of a performer than a songbird in my opinion although perhaps too sexy of one if the firkin lame-ass parents complaining about her sexiness at the Super Bowl halftime show this year is anything to go by! For the love of God, kids cannot see what adults see, so quit try to push your pathetic repressed perversions onto your children! Argh!😡
CT: Don't worry about the delay. Heck, the reason why this new chapter took so long to be uploaded was because my schedule's been so hectic for the past few weeks that I've barely had time to write out these replies. Nevertheless, the important thing is that you left a review, and for that JP and I are grateful.
When it comes to Larry's death, which, knowing him, will probably involve him either running off of a cliff after mistaking a patch of fog for a hot girl or trying to publish another book involving Franziska, I can't help but imagine Phoenix and Edgeworth claiming that they never saw him before in their lives and letting the city handle things, thereby making it where he gets no tombstone. Though if Phoenix and Edgeworth do decide to help their frienemy, chances are that after Larry's been buried in his grave that has been flooded with the spit of hundreds of disgruntled women, they'll provide him with a simple headstone that simply reads "Larry Butz" and has the trademark quote associated with him engraved beneath.
Ilet Moratar
JP: "José Martí already said "For all sorrows, friendship is a sure remedy."
Well said, mi hermana dulce! Considering I have a habit of adopting my own friends as family much like the Ace Attorney gang I have revealed yet another reason why I can relate so much the series and it still is five years later and always will be my favourite fandom of all time! When I first started getting into the games I realized that Phoenix and Miles even before it was actually spelled out by Apollo in Spirit of Justice had a best friendship that was as timeless and prolific as Fred Flintstone and Bernie rubble or for more pop-culture referral as iconic as Joey and Chandler on the show Friends.
I share your thoughts about T & T being the best game in the series the iconic case really get to play as Miles Edgeworth defence attorney as well as playing as Mia is incomparable to anything else which is why it's my own favourite as well. I'm happy you enjoyed my own take on the hospital scene which unfortunately was not in the games, and I leave you with my own thoughts about friendship, which I hope you take to heart:
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and will sing it back to you when you forget the words. Moreover, I have learned that the friends who hold your hand through the tough times and want your soul twirl during the best are the ones you should spend your life time dancing with." ❤
CT: What else would you expect from Phoenix's signature hairstyle that's so defining of his character that Furio "The Jersey Hulk" Tigre was able to successfully impersonate him and stand in court without anyone so much as even questioning it? Heck, by that logic, all Gumshoe would have to do to solve his money problems would be to style his hair like Phoenix's and charge people to take photos of and/or with him.
Though speaking of "Trials and Tribulations", I think that arguably the more important lessons are to not leave your drink unattended and to not blindly accept a gift and/or jump right into a romantic relationship with someone who you've known for a grand total of two minutes. I mean, if Diego would have had the willpower to go ten, 20, or even 30 minutes without his beloved coffee when meeting with a harpy who he knows has a history of poisoning people, he could have prevented three murders from happening.
