CT: Admit it- you've pictured Maya trying to pull something similar to this at one point or another. After all, this is the woman who, at the age of 28, openly and proudly admitted in a court of law that she acted like a brat when she was kidnapped by a deranged henpecked minister of Justice until he gave her burgers. So suffice to say, there's no telling how low Maya would go for the sake of filling her four stomachs with burgery goodness. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if Maya's bedroom fantasy of choice would be Phoenix having his way with her while wearing a Mayor McCheese costume. After all, the Mayor's got political power, he's a burger- i.e. just give him a hoodie and a beanie and he'd by Maya's perfect man. That, or Maya's ultimate fantasy would be having a three-way with Edgeworth, who's dressed as Mayor McCheese for the prestige, and Phoenix, who's dressed like Officer Big Mac because she's been a bad, bad girl and needs to be introduced to her man's long pickle of the law.

JP: As the shameless Phaya trash that I am, I insist that even though they may squabble, Maya will always tickle Nick's pickle! 😉

This suggestion from my hilarious co-pilot that was a challenge with the creepy source material – and the suggested scenario! "In which Maya convinces Pearl to steal her burgers after Phoenix finally puts his foot down and restricts how many burgers, he'll buy for her in a single week."

I can't take full credit for this tune though…so allow me to announce that the following song-fic is brought to you as a first-time JP and CT 50/50 Joint Duet! Dark subject matter/black comedy isn't really my forte, so my funny friend here wrote and helped reshape my admittedly blah original verses into this parody, resulting in this twisted homage to the Burger Queen! I hope y'all like our conjoined efforts! 😊

P.S. Hope everyone is wisely keeping their social distances, staying home and keeping safe during this global COVID-19 crisis! Wishing you all much love and good health!


"Burgers!"
Sung to the tune of "Brains"
From
The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy

"I got here from Kurain as fast as I could, Mystic Maya!"

Pearl was still slightly breathless from her hurried jaunt from the train station as the tightlipped Maya ushered the child into the spirit medium's bedroom, concern marring her doll-like features as she watched her cousin slam the door closed behind them in dramatic fashion, shooting a can't miss a scowl over her shoulder, which was clearly directed towards the spiky-haired man she lived with in the upstairs flat situated above the Wright and & Co. Law offices.

"You seem angry," the girl observed timidly. "I hope you're not mad at me for not getting here sooner when you called and said you needed my help with an emergency! I would've run down from the village, which would have been faster than waiting for the earliest train coming down to LA, but you and Mr. Nick insisted that I never do that again after the last time…"

"Of course, I'm not mad at you, Pearly!" Maya's cloudy expression immediately vanished and she clasped her hands in front of her chest, flashing her cousin her cheery trademarked grin. "In fact, considering you were in the middle of training, I'm thrilled you made it down as quickly as you did! It's good to know that I can always count on you because that's what family –never mind – that's what true friends, are for! Dependability!"

Her voice rose a few octaves as her face contorted into a petulant moue.

"…. Unlike some people I know, who shall remain nameless!"

Clearly the emphasized words in the last sentence had been directed at the defense attorney who was at the law offices downstairs. It was uncertain whether Phoenix had heard her or not, although if he had, he was clearly ignoring his assistant because there was no response hollered back.

The young girl anxiously bit her thumb, wondering what the Ace Attorney had dared do to upset her beloved cousin.

"Um…Did you and Mr. Nick into a fight?"

"You bet we did!" Maya grimaced and huffily crossed her arms over her chest. "He's nothing but a big jerk face!"

"Oh no! What happened?" Immediately the distressed moppet was already rolling up her sleeves in evident preparation of the patented Fey slaps of fury upon the unsuspecting counselor. "Special Someones aren't supposed to fight! What did he do?"

"Nick cut off my burger allowance!" Self-pitying tears welled up in the psychic's eyes. "He was going over the finance books and when he saw me going through his wallet for my daily lunchtime stipend, he shouted 'Hold It!' all courtroom style, and proclaimed that feeding me was the equivalent of feeding 10 people, and he just couldn't do it anymore! Something about needing to pay his bills and increasing rent and utility expenses and boring stuff like that… I honestly stopped listening after the big meanie told me that effective immediately, he could only afford to feed me one lousy burger a day!"

The pint-size spirit medium, who lived on a Spartan vegetarian diet up in their remote family village and ate like a bird, could only blink in confusion at her kinswoman in riposte.

"Pearly don't you get it?" Maya wailed plaintively. "One meager burger per diem?! Have you forgotten that I have four stomachs! That would even fill half of them! Plus, you know I also have an extra stomach for dessert… The point is Nick refuses to budge on this! I even offered a few suggestions about how he could save money so he wouldn't need to be so needlessly cruel, but he refused to listen to any of my cost-saving suggestions!"

"How did you offer to save him money?"

Even though she asked the question, Pearl truly had no idea about how any of these adult-related things worked. However, what she did know was that Mystic Maya was upset and Mr. Nick had been the one to distress her! Therefore, she was going to give him a piece of her mind – and smack some sense into him, literally! This was no way to treat your Special Someone!

"I told him that we could save $0.50 apiece when I attempted to compromise and offered to just order plain hamburgers instead of cheeseburgers, and told him that a grilled chicken sandwich actually costs more than a burger! All he needs to do is learn how to cook and make them at home, so then he won't need to worry about buying himself lunch, too! It was a perfect solution – which he immediately vetoed, nonetheless!"

Maya puffed out her cheeks in vexation.

"Nick wouldn't listen to my reasoning that with the money he'd save from him not eating out, there would be more available funds to properly feed his deserving hard-working assistant! But noooooo! Scrooge claimed that most of his clients don't pay him and that working pro bono so much is finally starting to cause a negative impact to his wallet! It's so unfair! He also ignored my logic about how he could easily save a small fortune in toilet bowl cleaner if he could just get over his neurotic, OCD need to scrub that the porcelain throne about a dozen times a day!"

"Mystic Maya I'm really sorry to hear about all of this, but I'm just not understanding why you called me?"

"Behold this map of the city!" Maya whipped out the large folded chart from her dresser drawer, which already had red circles around all the McDonald's, and surrounding hamburger places within a 10-mile radius of the office, as well as black X's marked on their surrounding side streets and alleys which she coyly explained would be 'exit routes.'

"Exit routes?" The perplexed Pearl echoed blankly. "I'm sorry, but I'm still so confused! What is it that you need me to do exactly?"

"Isn't it obvious, Small Fry?" The mischievous necromancer flashed a devilish smile. "I've been casing the joints and charting out the hotspots for you to hit up, my future Hamburglar!"

"H – Hamburglar?!" Pearl clapped an aghast hand to her mouth; positive she had misinterpreted the words, as well as the maniacal, feverish gleam in her cousin's eyes. "You want me to steal burgers for you?!"

"Obviously! If I can't rely on you, as my only remaining family, to save me from starvation, then who else can I ask? Desperate times call for desperate measures, after all!" Maya declared, blithely, then leaned forward eagerly as she tapped at the charted fast food restaurant closest to her residence. "It'll be easier than you think! Just listen to my plan…"


[Maya]

You gotta help me, Pearly
I'm gonna cry!
It's all Nick's fault
He's the reason why!
He used to be such a generous guy
But now he's skimpin' on the burgers and holdin' my side of fries!


I don't know how I've fallen from grace
But his heart's turned cold and there's a rock in its place!
He says feeding my stomachs leaves his bank account drained
So now I'm starving 'cause of…
That miser's disdain!


Run down to the burger place
Without food, I'll vanish without a trace!
A single burger a day's all Nick will buy me!
That's not enough, Pearly
That's just mean and crazy!


Run down to the Micky D's
Grab me a few dozen burgers with cheese!
You probably won't need any money
If you ask nicely enough you might get 'em for free!


Without burgers, I will die!
That juicy beef is what keeps me alive!
I'm the Burger Queen! Won't ever change!
Even if this meat lust has made me deranged!


36 burgers a day
That's the minimum to keep me sane!
No one's place to ask how or why
How I'll always stay thin like a French fry!


I know that it's asking a lot
Since my cravings could get you scolded and caught!
With that cute face, you'd get off scot-free
But if I got busted it'd be prison for me!


First try begging and saying pwease
Bat those doe eyes, it'll be a breeze!
But if they say no and won't give 'em for free
Don't be afraid to snatch 'em for li'l ol' me!


Without burgers, I will die!
That juicy beef is what keeps me alive!
I'm the Burger Queen! Won't ever change!
Even if this meat lust has made me deranged!


36 burgers a day
That's the minimum to keep me sane!
No one's place to ask how or why
How I'll always stay thin like a French fry!


Burgers! Burgers! I love 'em, I need 'em!
My tummies jump for joy when I eat 'em!
Tasty grease dripping off the bun…
They're just all so yummers, especially the small ones!
Try a bite, kid, you can't stop at just one!


For all your cravings, a burger's gonna fix it
Gotta be beef, the vegan ones are bull spit!
I'm a slave to the flavor, I admit it!
Damn Nick! He's such a freakin' skinflint!
(OHHHHHH…!)


Stealth means silence, so no sound
I'll be starving 'til you come back around!
It's our little secret- nudge, nudge, wink, wink!
If things go wrong it's NICK'S fault dontcha think?


Help me, Pearly, I'm a wreck!
If you end on the lam, we'll just flee to Quebec!
They eat their fries with gravy and cheese
So break the law for me just this once, please!


Without burgers, I will die!
That juicy beef is what keeps me alive!
I'm the Burger Queen! Won't ever change!
Even if this meat lust has made me deranged!


36 burgers a day
That's the minimum to keep me sane!
No one's place to ask how or why
How I'll always stay thin like a French fry!


BURGERS!
Bring me BURGERS!
Bring me BURGERS!
BRING ME BURGERS!
Tee-hee!


"Jumping seats and plenty riding sideways on a candy pink Fatboy Harley, Maya, have I ever got some great news!" Phoenix announced suddenly, bursting into the bedroom without preamble and beaming from ear to ear. "I just got a call from Sal Manella – remember that soggy hog from Global Studios who claims you inspired him to make the Pink Princess?"

The startled Maya nodded warily.

"How could I forget? I still have the occasional nightmare about the lecherous Otaku and his ever-roaming gaze, which had always made me feel like I needed a shower afterward!"

"Well get a load of this! Apparently, some guy named Shea V. Yerbush has become the new head producer since Dee Vasquez's departure. They wanted to thank me for getting Matt Engarde declared guilty last month! Long story short, they said my actions of bringing that Judas to justice spared them horrible media publicity and the stigma of having a potential murderer on their payroll – not to mention the cost of paying Mr. 'Refreshing Like A Spring Breeze's' salary!"

The defense attorney put his hands on his hips, a triumphant smile on his lips as he addressed his dumbstruck employee.

"Consequently, for having saved Global monetary squandering, as well as more future scandal and burden down the line… They're going to pay me all my legal fees for taking on Engarde's case! Plus, a little something extra!"

"Mr. Nick, that's wonderful news!" Pearl cheered, clapping her hands. "Congratulations!"

"This is fantastic news!" Maya agreed happily, rushing over to give the attorney a big hug. "But um… Important question! What's the catch?"

"Keeping my mouth shut," Phoenix replied with a wry smile. "The sole condition was my unconditional, cooperative silence. Like, if I'm ever approached by any of the media who would try to link a connection to my previous case with the studio, or with Global Studios in any way, I am to deny any and all involvement of either entirely. Basically, it's not so much legal fee payment as much as its hush money… But either way, they're couriering a big, fat check over to the office tomorrow! Guess this means we don't need to cut back on our food budget after all!"

The blue attorney halted abruptly and finally pried himself away from Maya's smothering embrace to finally take stock of the small child, who had been hidden from his vision until then, and his jaw dropped to his chest.

"Pearls… Why are you dressed all in black, like some sort of cat burglar?!"

He swung his incredulous gaze from the guilty-looking child in her oversized garb and narrowed suspicious eyes at the equally guilty-looking diviner.

"And Maya… Why does your cousin have a raccoon bandit mask tied around her head – with eyeholes cut into it! – made out of my dress socks?!"


Dual (because you know, we're a duet!) shout out of thanks and replies to the following awesomesauce readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!

Chapter 92

TheFreelancerSeal

CT: How would they have figured out Kristoph's gender in the shower? After all, you can't find what you can't see? And considering the lengths that Kristoph goes to show his supposed superiority, you wouldn't be able to see what you're looking for without a subatomic microscope. That's why in my unrevealed headcanon for the "No-Good Plight" parody, Kristoph was only admitted into the men's section of the prison after complaining to his mother during one of her visits, who then proceeded to rant and rave about how her baby boy was being abused until he was moved accordingly.

JP:

" Dang it, JP, I need brain bleach and a scouring pad because of you! XD
All joking aside, it's another bull's-eye from the best comedy duo in the AA fandom."

First of all, although I cannot recall the specific reason that you feel a need to take that not so innocent mind out of the gutter and give it a good scrubbing due to something on my, bud, as Franziska to her Little Brother smirked many chapters ago, "Gern geschehen!" 😉
Secondly, high praise indeed I'm so honored to be considered in the same league as my comedic genius partner! Danke!

I'm gonna have to say that I thoroughly share my copilot's headcanon about Bitchtoff Gavin packing more of a Vienna sausage than bratwurst in seiner Hose … Surely a man who was actually packing serious meat could not be such a petty, prissy Periwinkle Piss Head (who also obviously has an undisguisable not so latent hate boner for that blazing blue bird frenemy of his!) and ergo, in the manner of Shrek's Lord Farquaad, methinks he's "compensating for something!" 😈

Chapter 93

ForGreatCoffee

JP: regarding what's going on in my husbando's undercrackers, if you go with my specific interpretation of his manhood in my comedy fanfic Filling the Void, (where my headcanon about his unfortunate mort douce event with Death Incarnate was displayed) Penix Wright was not only still standing and intact somehow, but was greatly overused with way too many undeserving and unworthy partners! Also, in Turnabout Everlasting, where he is a bit more selective with his bed-hopping, it's pretty clear that en la cama, Nick still has the Wright stuff! 😉

Also, that song you requested is an oldie but a goodie! I wonder what the heck ever happened to Coolio? Any road, I'm not quite sure if we can do justice to that song that would be worthy of Weird Al's parody of Gangster's Paradise, Amish Paradise but I know we will give it the good old college try! 😊

CT: Considering how Feenie acted during that trial, as well as how he let Maya, followed by Trucy, steamroll him over the course of 15 years, I wouldn't be surprised if his manhood was taken by that succubus. After all, as Mia so eloquently put it, "That 'P' on his chest doesn't stand for Phoenix anyways."

Joeclone

JP: Indeed, time flies so I guess we've been having fun! God's teeth! As of May 18 this year, Turnabout Everlasting is five years old… Therefore… Number one, holy crap I'm a nerd! And number two… Thank you for having been along on the crazy train of pretty much everything I've ever written the entire time you loyal and wonderful reader! 😊

CT: Though for me, it feels like just yesterday when JP first suggested that we do this collab fanfic and created our first parodies; and chances are, it'll still feel like such a short time as we continue to write these parodies.

DJJ680

JP: I haven't seen this level of spamming (these multi-accounts don't fool anyone – am pretty sure it's mostly just one person who obviously never got enough hugs as a child and is desperate for attention!); proof that even an awesome fandom like this could somehow lure those who use this site as an amusement park for clinical narcissists. At this point, you start thinking "What the f*ck side of a fry is the face?"

It's like the writer of that irksome aforementioned OC can't get through a single scene without giving himself a handjob over his own work! I've never met this troll (although refuse to feed him!) and can't say for certain if he's a terrible person. I simply have his work by which to judge him. Much like how I have the work of the Boston Strangler by which to judge him. In the end, I'd like to have tea with neither! 😆

It's really short list of people who were victims in the Ace Attorney series who didn't really deserve it… Mia, of course, is at the top of the list, as is Gregory Edgeworth and Daddy Dragon… Doug Swallow… And I guess poor Clay Terran in Dual Destinies. Yeah, I'm happy it was obvious that I was referring to college pink sweater-wearing "that P doesn't stand for Phoenix" besotted brainlet as Feenie for that reason… That crybaby was not my Nick! Thank you so much for taking the time to drop a line always a pleasure to hear from you! 😊

CT: Don't even bring up that accursed name. I swear, after seeing all those crackfics, I understand how Kristoph must of felt every time he saw Phoenix over the course of their seven years of "friendship".

What about Russell Barry? Sure, he may have sheltered Regina a bit too much and was willing to let her marry a guy who only hours earlier pulled a Zak Gramarye and hit a guy over the head with a bottle, but considering how he took in Acro and Bat despite the circus struggling, and how he would pay Moe out of his own pocket (as well as not drop the guy like the steaming bag of crap that he keeps his jokes in), he was a pretty stand-up guy. Though also joining Doug, Mia, and Russell on the "Victims Who weren't Complete Jerks" list are Gregory Edgeworth, Bruce Goodman, Dustin Prince, Buddy Faith, Akbey Hicks, Byrne Faraday, Di-Jun Huang, Jack Cameron, Ethan Rooke, Romein LeTouse, Drew Misham, Clay Terran, Rex Kyubi, Candice Arme, Constance Courte, Metis Cykes, Jove Justice, and, of course, Dhurke.

If Jacques interactions with Edgeworth are anything to go off of, he'd be one of the better prosecutors to go against on account of while he may be a bit arrogant, at least he's capable of treating people with respect and doesn't resort to physical and/or verbal abuse.

TheFreelancerSeal

JP: even though Mulan is one of my favorite movies and brings out my latent feminist streak, for the life of me I had never heard of this song until I went to look up options for our anniversary and since I'm not a big fan of boy bands, in general, I thought it was pretty weak sauce even though I love Stevie Wonder. I was hoping using the term tart was universal enough without being profane and letting my readers know I was not referring to Dahlia as a tasty bakery morsel! However, even if that had been the case, it's good to know that you would've been safe since you maintain a gluten-free lifestyle anyway …😝

CT: Don't worry. If I didn't recently do a playthrough of "Investigations", I would barely remember who Jacques is myself. But here's all you really need to know about him: he's a sports-loving prosecutor who killed a guy in Edgeworth's office.

chloemcg

JP: that Mulan sequel literally got 0% on Rotten Tomatoes! That was enough to make me stay away from it even if I didn't have an aversion to Disney sequels! I was never that big of the group 98° and I found the song to be overly saccharine and downright trite – pun only sort of intended – and didn't even know it existed but I'm happy you enjoyed what I did with it. However, considering how much I adore Phoenix, it makes me cringe to look back at his weenie Feenie days, even though was a lot of fun mocking him in his naivety back then! On a more serious note, milady, I hope you are well and in good health, I know things have been really bad in Britain with the current COVID-19 epidemic. I hope to hear from you soon.

p.s. I know you've written another story – just know that I will always make time for my loyal readers and will check it out very shortly! 😊

CT: I'm glad to see that you enjoyed our parodies! Even though we may not like some of the works that the original songs come from, if we can think of something fun to do with them, then we'll do our best to parody them.

Peoplepersonsof DooM

JP: hiya Lyn! Poor Feenie, he was such a hapless naïve simpleton… I'm sure looking back now he's thinking, "Yup, almost 15 years later I am still single because I am traumatized by my splooge guzzling swamp Hure ex, and since then, my Penix Wright has taken a permanent holiday and literally jumped back inside my body. It's in my stomach. I'm all balls!" 😆
I'm delighted the birthday girl like her humble present it's the least I can do for someone that's helped inspire so much of my work over the last year! ❤

CT: According to Jacques, on the night of his arrest, he had at least three guys that he nicknamed 'Jim', with Buddy being the third to receive the 'honor'. So when it comes to exactly how many 'Jims' are roaming the L.A. legal world, your guess is as good as mine. The way I see it, asking that question is akin to asking exactly how many boyfriends Angel Starr has. Actually, scratch that. If the number of 'Jims' that Jacques had at his disposal was even half that of Angel's boyfriend count, he would have an army large enough to conquer a medium-sized nation.

Though speaking of Angel, after JP sent me her parody to look over, I couldn't help but think to myself who the bigger, dirtier thot of the "Ace Attorney" series is- Dahlia or Angel. I swear, if Angel and Dahlia were ever in the same room, it would be like "Superman vs. Batman", but with more makeup and less disappointment.

Muhammad Sban

JP: Perhaps the entire court was given some of that mind erasing concoction that seemed to affect everybody in the Professor Layton crossover and give the men amnesia convenient enough to forget the dumpster fire of Apollo Justice and everything that happened in that game including the jurist system which was absolutely never mentioned again ever! It's really interesting, your theory about how that magical DILF beanie given to him by his baby girl could've powered up Phoenix's charisma. By that same token I wonder if it was the power of that emasculating pink sweater that turned him into such a weenie during the whole Dahlia debacle… Surely no man could be mainly wearing such a garish contraption? Between that and the cringe-worthy nickname of such an awesomely named character… What in the name of Elton John's codpiece was Iris thinking?!

Although he would be one of the best-looking defendants to go down in the criminal history of Japalifornia, the diabolical Robert Downey Depp probably swung for his crimes and is in the Twilight Realm my only regret is that he didn't take the weapons-grade wanker, the Unholy Nuut, aka NahEWta with him!

Here's a list of what made Kristoph Gavin the best (but most hated, IMO) villain in the series in my opinion… He had the best breakdown in series and he took out Trucy's nogoodnik sperm donor as well as Drew Misham who contrary to what my wonderful partner thinks is one of the few non-jerk victims in the series, I think was a piece of human excrement whose greed was inexcusable I will never forgive him for his part in getting Phoenix disbarred and have no idea why the word of a confessed verdure held any weight in court, plus I don't understand how the hundred grand he secured for his part in Phoenix's downfall, which is more at one time than most of us will ever have in our lifetime, was still not enough to sustain himself and his daughter in their reclusive surely Spartan lifestyle? Why keep forging? Heck, he got the hush money… Why not just keep your blathering cakehole shut, dingus and don't needlessly try to ruin an innocent man in the process? I could go on and on about the plot holes of Apollo Justice but Holy Granoly, did they give us despicable characters! The nightmare-inducing, butt wipe Brushel, the fart breath furry, the turd blowing sperm donor… And of course, the forger himself who had no qualms exploding his poor autistic daughter, Pablo Pica*shole!

Finally, last but certainly not least, let's not forget not so Mommy dearest herself… Thalassa… How do I hate thee? I haven't heard of a tale of motherly love like that since the Manchurian Candidate!

I want to state how happy and fortunate I am to have had a wonderful and loyal reader like yourself all these years! Cheers to many more! Stay well and keep healthy in this trying time! 😊

Cheers,
JP

CT: Considering how Blaise was at the very least acquainted with Huang's body double, I wouldn't be surprised if he also had a connection to other corrupt government figures in the "Ace Attorney" universe- Alba, Ga'ran, Bill Hawks, etc. As such, since there's a good chance that Nahyuta wouldn't be able to even look into Blaise's illegal activities without being on the receiving end of his spider aunt's wrath (though not the crueler kind that she saves for Inga), if the Ephemeral F*** decided to go on one of his holier-than-thou tirades, the P.I.C. Chairman would probably decide to have a bit of fun by bullying him by constantly mocking the Holy Mother. That is, if Blaise's aura of pure evil doesn't overwhelm Nahyuta in the first ten seconds of them meeting and causes him to go into shock.

Frankly, if they ever release a seventh game in the series, I would be perfectly content if the DLC consisted of a single cutscene showing Simon suddenly appearing behind Nahyuta and whispering "Nothin' personal, kid" before stabbing him with a katana. Or even better, a cutscene in which Apollo uses his fists for the second time in the series and punches Nahyuta square in the jaw.

If the Trucy that we know, love, and to an extent fear was ever cornered, she would simply have Apollo act as a distraction. After all, why summon a demon with untold powers when you already have a sad, little man who no one respects under your thumb? Though speaking of Trucy and Apollo, if Thalassa ever reveals that she's their mother, all she'd have to do to prove just how awful of a person she is simply saying "Hello, my name is Thalassa Gramarye."