One thing he knew for sure was that his heart was feeling funny and that the air he was breathing was void of any oxygen. The ringing in his ears wasn't helping much either. And even though he was sitting on a chair, he had no control over his body and was well aware that he would fall anytime soon.
"Ben? Can you hear me?"
He could hear him, yes, but not see him. All he could see was the white sheet covering the corpse of the woman he loved the most. The one he was being accused of having murdered. But he couldn't have done such atrocity. He truly loved her more than anything. She had changed his life completely ever since she had made her way in his heart. And now she ended up changing it once again, once she left for good.
He grabbed the sheet and looked at Luke's old face. He had a serious look on, but he could tell he was terrified as well. According to the police, she had been found with marks supporting the theory that domestic abuse and constant sexual assault had pushed her to take her own life. But Ben knew that he had never laid a finger on Rey, apart from their kinkiest bedroom moments, which were completely consensual. And with Rey feeling not herself for quite some time, their intimate moments occurred solely at her wish. The only time she told him that she was unwell meant an endless pause, in what concerned him. He had made no move on her unless she came to him seeking attention, love and sex. Even their last moment together had been with her being the one in control, riding him insatiably. And a woman hating her husband and fearing him to the point of cutting her wrists to permanently escape him would not have done that. She would have never held his hand at that winter fair and smiled like that. She could not have pretended to be that happy. Even just the mere insinuation of emotional or verbal abuse was ridiculous. Their few arguments had always ended up in both of them apologising, discussing things properly and making sweet love or having steamy sex, depending on how serious the argument had been. And each time he had been even slightly under pressure and on the verge of an anger outburst, she had calmed him down with her patience wisdom and cookies. She had always been his pillar… and now she was dead and he was the one responsible for her suicide.
He swallowed all the saliva in his mouth and pulled the sheet, letting out a loud gasp. He covered his eyes and wept.
"Is it truly her?" asked Luke compassionately, rubbing his shoulder.
Ben shrugged and sniffed.
"I couldn't look. I just couldn't."
"You must, boy," sighed the old man. "You must put an end to this."
Ben nodded, then turned to look at the corpse. He blinked and rubbed his eyes, then came closer. It was… she had the same short chestnut hair, adorable nose, upper lip bigger than the lower one. However, the corpse did have a certain pallor from the blood loss and exposure to the freezing weather, which made it all more difficult to distinguish certain features, especially with that black eye and purple bruises all over her body.
Her body… he knew it best. He pulled the sheet some more, ignoring Luke clearing his throat, and checked her body. Same height, perhaps same weight, but most definitely not the same moles, no scar from the hot iron on her left side, no appendicitis scar, no scar under her sternum from her fall from the cherry tree when she was seven, most definitely not the same breasts and no…
"No tattoo!" he pointed at the pale skin under her hair. "Rey has a tattoo here and she had it the last time I saw her. This girl is not Rey. She looks like her… a lot, but she is not Rey."
She is not Rey… he kept on telling himself on his way back home. He had been driving blindly and the ice on the road had been dangerously making him lose the control of the steering wheel now and then, but he still managed to get back home, cursing that long winter and the climate changes that made them have snow even in spring.
She is not Rey… he repeated as the garage door lifted and he parked his car next to hers, which was still waiting on her owner to come back, as he did…
She is not Rey…
He got inside the house, sniffing the dull air which was still preserving her scent. He sighed and stumbled upon an unopened box full of pots, according to the invoice. It had arrived just before he left to the morgue to identify the body and now was unsure what to do with it. Maybe Rose could make use of those items. When Rey would get back, she would understand and appreciate her friend using her things to keep her business alive. But he couldn't have them in the kitchen and be an even more painful reminder that she was gone… And in the basement, he would just forget about them. The greenhouse? He lifted the box and headed toward the greenhouse. He blindly opened the door and stepped inside, slipping and almost falling to the point of risking to break something. As if a broken heart and spirit were not enough.
He put the box down and looked at the carpet made out of glass shards. Everywhere, there were glass shards and even some leaves and… Oh! The olive tree was on the floor looking terribly. He stepped carefully on the shards, looking closely at the random holes through which snow was making its way inside. The placement of each hole and the size was not showing any pattern. He furrowed, then squatted and grabbed a rock lying among the many shards. Its size was matching one of the holes, but that was not the actual problem. However, the word murderer written on it was.
Ben opened his eyes meeting the darkness of his bedroom. He wiped his tears and turned to tap on the bedside lamp, accidentally bumping into the nightstand. He made a painful grimace, then turned around with his heart thumping. All the nights he had woken up from the same nightmare only to find an empty bed still had their claws dug deep in his flesh. He saw the bed empty for a couple of moments before rubbing his eyes, until the shape of Rey's beautiful body formed in front of him. Her bathrobe was on the floor and the towel was barely covering her pretty butt.
He sighed with a relieved smile and caressed her back. Velvet and silk were nothing compared to her skin. So soft, so pure… he leaned in and kissed the visible vertebrae. Her skin had the most delicious taste and it smelled so good. It reminded him of their most playful nights together. Of all the games involving chocolate and caramel right before making sweet love or fucking desperately.
She was there… she was truly there…
Rey mumbled something in her sleep and turned around. For a moment, it seemed that she had awakened, but the calm cadence of her breath assured him that she was still sleeping. And that was good, right? Had she been awake, he wouldn't have been able to resist her anymore. Not when they had spent together much less than three years, being robbed of the rest of their precious time as a couple. How could he even claim her as his anymore? She was barely her own.
He touched her stomach, licking his lips, then cupped the area under her bellybutton, while his eyes were analysing her beautiful breasts. He ignored the crazy thought of pressing his lips against the soft skin, focusing on something more important. He traced the white-purplish lines. It was strange. Rey had always been skinny no matter how much she ate, because of all the energy she was consuming on her daily activities. Not to mention her breasts… He gently pressed on the rather hard flesh. Maybe it was her recent period, but even so, her breasts had never been so permanently full. Not that he would complain.
He got closer to her, trying his best to hug her while cursing his broken arm. The light was better to be left turned on as he didn't want to see her getting swallowed by the dark once again. So he inhaled her delicious aroma and closed his eyes, synchronizing his breath with hers. And dreaming of something maybe nicer. Like that time they were cuddling under the duvet, shortly after his mom's funeral. Though, he would not have called staring at the ceiling cuddling, especially not with the cat sleeping between them.
"It's weird, isn't it?" she uttered playing with his growing locks, whereas he was petting his old grumpy cat. "Sometimes I feel like I am cursed. It feels as if no matter to whom I get attached to, they die."
"Yeah… me too."
Rey stroke his hair and leaned his head on the back to see her. She was so adorable and young. Too young to have such dark thoughts, but comfortable enough to trust him for such a confession.
"And then I met you. My last hope."
"I guess you're mine too," he said in a low voice, hiding his sadness and need to cry. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
He heard her giggle, then she moved to hug him.
"I love you so much, Ben. You're my everything."
He inhaled deeply, not being able to hold in all those emotions anymore. Seeing his beloved mother's corpse had been worse than when his father died, as he was too shocked back then to assimilate the idea. Now he still could not cope with the idea that all that was left of that beautiful woman, who had lived the best life he could have ever imagined, was just a shell. An empty shell to be hidden in the ground until disappearing completely as if she had never existed. And as time was going to pass, people would forget her. or the people who had known her would eventually die with the last traces of her memory.
"It's ok," she consoled him. "It's ok to cry. I cried too."
His cries became more desperate, his raw pain breaking Rey's heart. It hadn't been that long since Maz's death, so she found herself weeping as well. Life is such a strange thing.
"Promise me you won't go," he begged, Rey not knowing whether he was referring to her leaving him at that moment, breaking up with him in those difficult times, or die at some point, neither she could truly control much or at all. Yet, she still nodded and cuddled at his chest, knowing perfectly that when the cat would wake up, she was doomed.
"I promise you, my love. I will never leave you."
Ben touched her cheek, making her lift her head, and leaned in for a kiss. However, her eyes were ice cold and her skin had a bluish shade, whereas her hair was wet and so was the white dress she was now wearing instead of her black mourning clothes.
"But I did eventually, didn't I?"
"Rey?" he whispered feeling chills down his spine at the sound of that eerie lifeless voice.
"I left you, because I was miserable, Ben. I couldn't stand living with you and playing the perfect family. I was unhappy. You made me unhappy. I would have rather died than remain by your side, shackled, going insane with each moment. Letting the cold water swallow my body and pulling me closer, in the freeing arms of death was my escape. But then, he saved me. He took me away from you and made me the happiest woman. He helped me burn any trace of you left on my body. I became someone new… And then you had to ruin everything all over again. But trust me… this time, I'm never ever coming back."
Ben woke up panting and sweating. The night lamp was still on, but its light was irrelevant now that it was daylight. He stretched his arm to grab Rey and feel her comforting warmth but found nothing but air.
"Rey?" he called her.
Was his mind playing tricks on him again? Had he been dreaming and Rey was still missing? He touched the pillow and the bedsheet only to feel their cold texture. No one had slept there for a long time. He gulped, and panicking, got out of the bed. The bathrobe and the towel were not there either, so he must have indeed been dreaming of her returning. He was all alone in that empty house once again. And Rey was either at the bottom of the lake or trying her best to stay away from him, hating him so much that she couldn't talk to him not once more to ask him for the divorce.
Oh, that dreadful silence! He had longed for it back when he was working at the hotel among those noisy people and for even noisier clients. But now it was killing him, melting him slowly and painfully, like some sort of acid. And the pain was so strong that he couldn't breathe or think anymore.
He stumbled getting out of the master bedroom and opened the doors to the other perfectly furnished and decorated, though rather dusty, bedrooms. They were as empty as his heart, and still carrying her scent as a constant reminder that she was gone, but not completely, remaining as a ghost to haunt him and torture him for never being enough.
He went downstairs to find an empty kitchen and living room, both void of any trace of life or joy.
Rey was gone.
She had been gone for years.
"Rey!" he screamed desperately once more, knowing perfectly well that he was all alone. His vision was getting blurry and his ears were buzzing so annoyingly loud that he barely heard his phone ringing in the study. He walked confused and lost, thinking about what other miserable excuses would Luke come up with this time. He turned the doorknob and opened the door letting out a loud sob before falling to his knees.
"Ben!" panicked Rey running to him. She grabbed his face forcing him to look at her, while his lost gaze was getting more animated and his face was turning distorted with pain before he burst into tears.
"Are you ok? Did anything wrong happen?"
She gasped once he pulled her at his chest, hugging her desperately, while still wailing. She had seen him cry before and she could remember him being in pain years ago when his mother died. So now, Rey's mind began working quickly, coming up with loads of possibilities. Did Luke die? Did Ben lose his job? Did Kaydel die? Did they lose the house?
"Ben, please, talk to me!" she yelled not sure how to feel about the situation.
"Yo-you were gone," he cried. "You were dead."
She shook her head and pulled away, forcing him once more to look at her.
"Listen! I am here. I am alive and here with you."
"You'll leave me like mom and dad," he sobbed rubbing his eyes like a toddler. Rey felt tears filling her own eyes. She had never seen him that desperate and having such a breakdown. Now that she could think of, their reunion by the lake and their argument in the kitchen had been nothing but water under the bridge. He was scaring her with that panic attack. She was well-aware of his fragile emotional state, but that was too much.
"Ben, I need you to listen to me," she caressed his head. "I need you to breathe and count to twenty."
"Ple-please don't leave me…"
"I am not leaving you, my love," she softened, which she did not intend to, as she wanted, needed to be the strong one at that moment.
She had to think quickly. When she used to have panic attacks as a child, Maz used to sing to her. She parted her lips, knowing very well that her voice was not the bust, but still started singing. And it was working! Her singing was soothing Ben, though now she was the one uneasy. When she woke up early in the morning, it was not because her batteries were fully recharged, but because she could not breathe. She woke up with her husband crushing her body under his weight. She didn't mind it that much for the moment, especially not with his knee between her legs and his hand groping her breast. However, his cast was grazing her skin, his elbow was pressing against her sternum quite uncomfortably, and half of her body was too hot, whereas the other half was freezing. So she snuck out of his grasp and put on her bathrobe, also throwing her towel in the laundry basket, then went downstairs, made a cup of tea and a sandwich and hid in the study, where she had been pressing buttons like crazy, discovering archives, emails and invoices. And like the crazy woman she was, she opened one of her old invitations, wrote another text over the old one and emailed it to her entire list of contacts. And throughout her investigation, she had discovered a very nice song recommended to her by the music app from Ben's computer. She liked it so much that after playing on repeat for more than twenty-seven times, she ended up knowing the lyrics by heart.
She stopped for a moment, paying close attention to the lyrics she had been singing. She was being a big idiot singing that stupid song. The lyrics were perfect, but as perfect as a sharp knife she was digging in the already bleeding heart of her husband. What made her sing something about a man mourning the loss of his lover?
Ben sniffed.
He had stopped sobbing for a while now and seemed a little bit better. Finally ! Rey kissed his forehead and hugged him again. His issues were as big as the size of his body. She smiled, ignoring the pain in her chest, then took his hand and kissed it.
"I love you the most, Ben-Ben."
He wiped his face with the back of his palm and continued looking at his beautiful wife. Almost too beautiful to be true.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" she said pushing his hair behind those adorable large ears.
"I… you were there and you suddenly weren't. I thought it had all been a dream. I thought I was alone once again and you were still missing."
"But I am here," she said maybe a little bit too loudly. Not that she had intended to yell at him again, but she was so sick and tired of that topic. She could not turn back the time and she could not do more than be present in that exact moment. The effects of her missing years were obvious, visible on everyone, especially her and Ben, but there was nothing to be done.
She blinked, her eyes stinging from the tears that were about to escape her, then threw herself at him, covering his face in kisses, before finally pressing her lips against his in a kiss that began as a desperate one only to continue as playful and passionate enough to make Rey think that they were about to make love for the first time - in years - right there in the study, on the floor. Her hand was clumsily trying to pull down his pyjama pants when his phone started ringing again. Ben pulled away panting and Rey got up to grab his phone. She handed it to him still barely breathing and returned to her seat to check if all the emails had been sent before closing everything and shutting down the computer. She looked at her vulnerable Ben, who had been saying nothing but yes and no. Once he hung up, she returned by his side, on the floor.
"It was Rose," he answered her question even before asking it. "There's been a snowstorm and most of her co-workers couldn't come to work today and the retirement home was left without any electricity and is currently disconnected from the heating system. And orphanage has been damaged by the same utility pole that was powering both buildings. It apparently fell on it."
"Oh, how terrible… What can we do?"
"Well, she called to ask you if you can go there and help out."
Help out? She would love to, but she was a mess and she couldn't leave Ben. Not when he was an even bigger of a mess than her. She looked at him. He seemed calmer, less… traumatized, but who knew what he would do without her by his side. He couldn't be left alone.
"Do… do you want to come with me? I don't want to be alone among strangers."
She saw a glimmer in his eyes. Despite the fact that he was not the most sociable person, just the idea of having her alone, exposed to dangers, alerted him enough to reveal his protective side. It was insane how both of them were more interested in protecting the other. So that was how love was like…
Ben showed Rey around and she packed a bunch of blankets, flashlights and canned food. During the entire time, Ben filled all of the insulated water bottles they had around with chamomile tea. He put in a bag all the fruit and bread they had in the house, then went upstairs to change his clothes. He was a little bit ashamed to face Rey after his meltdown, but she came to him and kissed him, then helped him put on warm clothes.
"They've said on the news that the snowstorm is heading here and that the entire town risks a massive blackout. The roads will be closed too. We should drop there what we've got so far and help Rose for the moment and then maybe I'll go get some more from the supermarket."
Ben nodded as she buttoned up his cardigan.
"I texted Luke. He'll call his buddies from the police station and they'll go from door to door to ask people for supplies and help."
Rey blinked surprised, then smiled. How could anyone not love that man or believe he was capable of any atrocity?
The retirement home was much different than the one she knew from her old town. On the outside, it was a terraced house, not a country house painted in pastels and with a happy garden full of flowers, trees and swings. Just a plain terraced house painted in a washed-up reddish-brown colour. The orphanage next door was indeed damaged by a utility pole and Rey was wondering why no one came to pick it up before putting more people in danger. She shook her head, disappointed by the authorities, the same ones that achieved nothing regarding her disappearance, then rang at the door, waiting for Rose to come to help them, while Ben was paying the taxi driver. Once she heard the door squeaking, she turned around but found no one.
"Yes?"
Her gaze fell on a young boy no older than eight.
"Oh, hi! We came here to help you."
The boy stepped aside and held the door open. Rey looked at him then back at the taxi and her husband's broken arm.
"Is there anyone to come help us carry the supplies?"
The boy shrugged then turned his head and yelled.
"JOSH!"
Rey jumped startled just as an angry Rose ran to them.
"Liam, don't yell like that! Some of the elders are still sleeping."
"They always sleep. They won't mind it… or hear us anyway."
Rose shook her head, then turned to Rey and hugged her.
"Thank you so much! I don't really know the people in this town and good thing I slept here," she said barely breathing while following Rey to the taxi. "It's just me and two more people, but moving the kids has been so difficult. Besides, some of the seniors get really agitated when they see new people and we had to calm them down. It's been a mess."
"Yeah, tell me about it," looked Rey at her own grumpy boy.
"Fortunately, Jess found a gas bottle and an old camping stove, so we might boil some water for tea and some milk for the kids, but we don't have much milk."
"We have warm tea," said Ben in a shy voice that made Rose look at him as if he were a ghost from her past as Mrs Leia's nurse. "I can't do much, but if you want me to do something… anything… "
There was something that Rey could read on Rose's face, but not decode. She watched her take Ben upstairs, then waited for her to return. That place was rather depressing. Cosy in a certain way, but mostly depressing, as if stuck in time. Though, probably most of its residents were indeed stuck in time.
"Have you seen my son?"
Rey jumped and stared at the old woman with only two teeth left. Her face was so wrinkled that it reminded her of one of Maz's old puffy dresses. She also had a turban like Maz did and walked using a cane.
"Is your son coming to visit you?"
The old lady looked at her completely confused. She seemed to ponder the question. Oh, dear. How long had it been since that woman had last seen her son?
"Mrs Natalia, please go to your seat. We're soon going to give you some tea and food."
Rey turned to Rose, who was shaking her head with sadness.
"Poor woman," she whispered. "Her son was shot trying to protect a cashier from a petty thief. He died on the spot. Liam, the boy whom you've met earlier, and Josh are her grandchildren. Their mother left them soon after the funeral and Mrs Natalia had tried her best to take care of them, but her health worsened and they all were brought here."
Words were pointless, so Rey said nothing and just followed her in the kitchen to organize the few supplies they had. They served the elders tea and gave them blankets to keep warm, then Rose went upstairs to check on the children.
"How's Ben?" asked Rey peeling some potatoes.
"He's great. The kids love him."
Rey wanted to smile, but she was still so worried about his emotional state.
"Thank you for not leaving him among the elders. Mrs Natalia alone would have reminded him of his mom and I-"
"Yeah, I know. He would have been amazing with them, but he had a strange look in his eyes and I just felt that he was not in a good place."
Rey put down the peeled potato and took a carrot.
"Oh, you have no idea. He had a major meltdown and I swear I didn't know what to do. He seemed so lost and vulnerable. I was lost too. I know he was left with huge scars after his father's death, then after his mother's and my disappearance was the last straw. And Kaydel told me that he used to go to therapy, but I can't have him suffer like this. I can't have him panic each time I go out without telling him. I am aware of the fact that we still don't know the reason why I went missing, but he is going to have a stroke at this rate or blow his brains out. And I truly believe capable of that."
Rey took a sip out of her teacup. Her throat was dry after her speech.
"It's so much more," shrugged the nurse. "You don't remember now, but he was in Maz's care for a while."
"He was?" her eyes grew wider and she returned to peeling vegetables, flinching when she felt the tip of the knife puncturing her palm. No blood. Good.
"Yeah, Mrs Leia was all alone and was building her business empire on her own, so she had to leave Ben with Maz for a while. During that time he was so scared and kept crying after his mom. He ran away and was attacked on the streets. And he had left because the kids were bullying him in the first place, especially one who ended up breaking his nose and fingers."
Rey knew perfectly how it was like in the system, how it was like to be an abandoned child, counting the minutes until you would finally be awarded mercy, love and your parents back. But moreover, she knew how some of Maz's foster kids were monsters.
"And his dad?"
"Well, Mrs Leia wasn't married back then."
Rey furrowed and Rose shook her head - she kept forgetting about Rey's memory loss. She got closer to her and whispered:
"Ben is adopted."
A couple of hours later, Rey entered the upstairs room where the children were playing and drawing and watched them closely. It was cold inside, but they were wearing warm clothes and after so much running and playing they must have felt even warmer. Besides, they had eaten each a bowl of soup, a plate of mashed potatoes and carrots and a cup of peaches in syrup for dessert.
Watching them even more closely, Ben was sitting on a bench with a stack of books by his side and sipping from his own cup of tea. He seemed fine.
"Squeeeeak."
Ben turned to look at his wife hiding behind a plushie.
"That's not how an elephant sounds like," he chuckled. "Where did you get it from?"
"I found it in the blanket box," she smiled approaching him and then throwing the tiny grey elephant in his lap. Ben took it, touched its large ears and smiled for a moment - Rey guessed he was thinking about his own large ears - but then strangely, he sighed. And it was one of his miserable sighs. Rey pursed her lips and sat on the bench next to him.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing… I just… this elephant is…"
Rey looked at the toy and snatched it from Ben's hand. She would not have him hide things from her to the point of suffering another meltdown. So she parted her lips but remained silent as she stared at the elephant's blue eyes. She'd seen those eyes before, a long time ago, when she was in a car driven by Ben. His face was shaven, his hair was shorter and his clothes were plain. He was nervous and his hands were shaking on the steering wheel.
"It's my fault," he murmured visibly affected. "I should have known better. I should have taken more care of you."
Rey said nothing. Instead, she stared at the toy elephant.
"It's no one's fault. It happened."
"I'm so sorry," he cried.
"Stop it," she said squeezing the poor elephant. "It's all over now. Nothing to be done. No use in crying over spilt milk."
"But we could have avoided this!" he shifted his mood punching the steering wheel and accidentally honking, making the driver in front of them wave at them, asking what was wrong. Oh, if only he knew.
"Ben," she sighed too tired and feeling rather uncomfortable, as expected after such procedure. "I didn't know I was pregnant. I never had the chance to get attached to it to feel any pain now that it's gone. I can't cry over something I never had. Besides, it wasn't even a baby. It was more like an awkward looking tadpole."
"That was meant to be our baby and who was supposed to be born because we were irresponsible and died because of the same reason."
Rey shook her head incapable of resonating with Ben or feeling anything but apathy. She looked outside the window at the farms and trees.
"I am an orphan, who grew up in the system and was adopted only because her foster caregiver was getting old and had no family. We've been dating for less than six months and even if we've got engaged, we have other priorities right now."
Her husband glanced at her in shock. His sweet little Rey had a dark side. A reasonable one, but dark and cold nevertheless.
"So don't get me wrong, but once I get out of this car, I will pretend that it never happened. Once I'll heal, we'll use protection and never repeat this thing. And we won't discuss having an extended family for the next at least five years. Ok?"
Rey squeezed the toy once again and looked at her husband. The long-haired bearded one. It was no point in reproaching him his lies, because, technically, he didn't really lie. They had never had an actual baby and had never discussed having one. The first one because it died before even growing limbs, the other one because she had decided so. However, it was funny that now she was feeling some of the pain she never felt back then.
"Do you ever think about it? About our… tadpole?"
"Sometimes," he admitted. "When I see kids, I sometimes can't help thinking about my future as a father and then I remember that I could have been one. But I mostly thought about this when you were gone. I thought about how I didn't even have one thing to keep your memory alive."
Rey squeezed his hand.
"Do you think it was going to be a boy or a girl?"
"A boy," he sighed. "But then again… I was a shitty son, so I would have been an even shittier father."
Rey shushed him and punched him in the shoulder.
"Language! The kids can hear you."
"Well… see what I mean?"
They laughed and continued looking at the children drawing on the floor and playing. Where did they get the paper, pencils and coloured pens? No! Actually… what were the odds for them to have the same pencils and coloured pens Ben had on his desk?
"Sorry for bringing it up yesterday," chewed Rey on her bottom lip, still squeezing his hand. "There is still this discrepancy between my two selves and only now I've stepped on the other side regarding my memories and views on parenthood."
"Well…" shrugged Ben. "It's been almost five years."
"Our son would have been around five too," she said out loud without realising. She turned quickly to face Ben, who had an impassive look on his face. His wound was mostly healed and she had demanded him to forget about the tadpole. What was she doing was selfish and irrational.
"Yeah, so…" she cleared her throat.
"Fufu?"
What? Rey turned and looked at the little girl wearing a brown dress over a green sweater and red sneakers. She had never seen sneakers so tiny. The little girl pointed at the elephant with her chubby finger, squatted, then jumped.
"Fufu!"
"You want the elephant?"
The little girl nodded and clapped.
Rey looked at the elephant. She got it from the hospital's therapist after her miscarriage. It was meant to be a reminder of her dead baby… but she had decided to forget about it and the toy ended up in a box in the pantry. So why holding on?
"Here you go," she smiled and handed the toy to the little girl, whose happy face melted her heart. She needed it more than her.
"You can keep it."
The child jumped around, hugging the toy with fascination. And fascination was what Rey saw in Ben's eyes as well.
"Wanna take a nap-nap?" he said picking the little girl up.
"Sleep!"
"Yeah, you're going to sleep," he chuckled then turned to the other kids. "Who else wants to take a nap?"
The other kids got up from the floor and took off their shoes. They were already used to a certain schedule, so no one protested. There was one large bed and a sofa that turned into a bed, so with the help of Rey and the older children, in just a few minutes, everyone was under the covers. Ben had taken off the girls' shoes and put her to bed where he could watch her closely as she was the youngest out of the eight and he knew how being the youngest made you the most vulnerable.
"Do you think we should adopt?"
Rey looked at her husband, who was studying the drawings the children made. She sighed already exhausted, despite being barely afternoon.
"I… I don't know."
"I mean, a child from the system needs a lot of attention and love."
Was he talking from his own experience?
"We can't have him… or her in our home and not be there."
Yeah… so it seemed.
Rey kissed him on the cheek and laid her head on his shoulder. She knew better than him how it was like to be an orphan, but at that moment she truly did not know what to answer. Adopting a child as soon as possible would have saved him from any more traumatic years in the system, but, as Ben said, the child needed their full attention, which none of them could offer for the moment. That's why they had decided not to have any children in their first years of marriage. The fact that more than half of those years they were apart was another story.
"I don't know," she scratched her forehead. "Maybe. I would love to, but once we get a little bit better as a couple ourselves. We're barely getting back on our feet financially speaking. We were on the verge of divorce just a couple of days ago. And I am still an amnesiac."
She was slightly ashamed of her excuses and even though she could lie to herself that any child could have the chance of getting adopted by someone better, she knew that there were little chances for any of them to find a family anytime soon.
"So what are we going to do?" asked Ben.
"I've just told you."
"No, silly," he smiled. "Are we going to the supermarket to grab more supplies?"
"Oh," she giggled. "I'm going to ask Rose."
She got up stretching her arms and left the room, leaving Ben to supervise the children. There was still so much to digest with Ben's past and traumas and her past aversion towards children that was making its way in her present psyche. And once again she understood why the Rey she did not remember was so different from the teen Rey.
"Anybody here?"
Rey looked at the entrance door and skipped the last two steps to go answer the door. Perhaps one of the other nurses managed to come and she and Ben could go buy more food and whatever the children and the elders needed. However, once she opened the door, she realised that there might be no need for such a trip. The group of seven people carrying boxes and bags seemed to have already done that for them.
