Chapter 23
Steve stared at the ceiling of his apartment in DC, he hasn't been able to sleep since he left. He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Bucky and Natasha had known each other way back. He couldn't accept the fact that Natasha hid a huge thing that he deserved to know. He had began to question everything about Natasha. Did she just get to know him deeply because she knew that he and Bucky were like brothers? Did she just help him find Bucky because she wanted to look for him, too? Did she just get close to him because Bucky might have told her about him? When was she planning to drop this bomb on him? Was she ever planning to tell him at all?
These questions kept popping in his head. It made him miserable.
It made him wanna see her.
It made him miss her.
But he can't right now, it hurts. And he still doesn't have the strength to face the both of them.
He wanna reach out to his phone and just talk to her. He wanna hear her voice to calm him down, like she always has.
He got up and reached down to the handle of the bottom drawer- he left his phone there, on a silent mode, since he got here- he opened the drawer and was about to pick up the phone, but he decided against it, instead, he took a shower, got his sketchbook and went for a walk.
It's been eleven days, and he still feels like shit.
He doesn't hate her. He can't. He was devastated at first, then he felt disappointed, betrayed, then he doubted himself, he doubted Natasha, he was afraid that if he'll talk to her, if he'll come back, she'd choose Bucky, and that was what broke him.
He wonders how everybody is doing. How she is doing.
He spotted a coffee shop across the street, he decided to get himself a cup of coffee and a couple of muffins. He found the place relaxing, especially the smell of brewed coffee. He opened his sketchbook and began to sketch the old man sipping his coffee on the counter.
He sipped his coffee and took a bit of his muffin and continued to work on the finishing touches of his sketch.
"You're good." He heard a voice behind him.
He tilted his head a little to find himself staring at the man he was sketching. He stood and didn't know what to say.
"I'm sorry, sir. I just found you to be a good subject. I'm sorry, I…"
"Stop apologizing, young man." The man waved him off and sat across the table.
Young man, Natasha would've snorted if she heard that.
"May I?" he motioned to his sketchbook and Steve handed it to him.
"You have a great eye for detail." The old man commented as he continued to examine his sketch.
That made him smile. It took him back to Italy when Natasha told him the same thing about a specific sketch.
"I've been told so, sir."
"What's your name?" he asked.
"I'm Steve, sir."
"I'm Stanley, you can call me Stan." The old man smiled. "My wife used to draw me, she loves to paint, too. God, I miss her."
Steve doesn't know what to say, so he remained quiet.
"Can I look at the other sketches?"
Steve smiled and nodded.
"Sure."
Stan flipped to the very first page. He found himself looking at another coffee shop with the Stark tower in the background. Then he found a sketch of a group of people having dinner, next he found himself looking at the face of a woman.
"What's her name?"
Steve just smiled, a sad one.
"Natasha."
"She's beautiful."
Steve smiled and thought about her angelic face, her green eyes, her fiery red hair and her sweet smile. "She is."
"Oooooh, you have it bad, Steve. You love her, don't you?"
"So much and it hurts."
"Well, you know what they say, it's not love if it doesn't hurt. Care to tell me what happened?"
"She uh… She hid a big secret about someone from me for years. I found out and instead of talking to her, I left, which is why I'm here."
Stan pondered for a while.
"Are you mad about what you found out? Or are you mad because she chose to keep it a secret?"
"Both, I guess. But mainly because she didn't tell me." Steve replied, he realized he felt a little better to have someone to talk to.
"Do you think she wanted to keep it from you?"
Steve thought about his last conversation with Natasha.
"Would you have told me if Bucky wasn't about to wake up?"
She didn't reply.
"yeah, I thought so."
"I.. don't know, Stan. Maybe?"
"What do you think was keeping her from telling you this secret?"
Steve stared at the man for a while and wondered if he's a therapist of some kind.
As if reading his thoughts, the man gave him a knowing smile.
"I know what you're thinking. Yes, Steve. I was a therapist. But that was before my wife was gone."
Steve raised his eyebrows and smiled.
"Answer my question, Steve."
"I don't know. Maybe she was afraid I'd get hurt or how I would react." He said with a sigh.
"Well, she isn't wrong."
"And you.. why are you here?" he continued asking.
"Well, I couldn't go to my apartment in Brooklyn because they know that's close and that's my go-to place… and I really don't wanna talk to her or any of our friends right now."
"Steve… you know what I mean."
Steve took a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh.
"I… I was mad at her but I left because I was afraid to face the truth… that maybe she still loves that him. Now that he's back, maybe her feelings for me has changed."
Stan smiled.
"When you found out, what was her reaction?"
"She ran after me and tried to explain things. She begged me…" Steve trailer off as he realized something. "…to listen to her."
"Well, there's you're answer, Steve."
Steve ducked his head after what he just realized.
"Why do you think would she protect you from this secret if she doesn't love you? She's afraid to tell you this because she might lose you. Just because she kept it from you doesn't mean she wants to hurt you. Sometimes the people we love keep things away from us to protect us."
"I'm an idiot. And a jerk for leaving the way I did." He sighed
Stan stood up and tapped his shoulder before whispering "Go get her." Then he walked away.
"Stan." The man paused and looked back. "Thank you."
The man just smiled and waved and continued walking.
He arrived in his apartment and hurriedly went to get his cellphone in the drawer.
He opened it.
A message from Sam asking him where he is.
A message also from him asking whether he's okay.
A message from Bruce asking whether he wants to talk.
And lastly, a message from Clint.
"Steve, where are you? When you're ready to talk, come straight home. She's a mess, Steve. Hear her out."
That message tugged a little string in his heart. It must be pretty bad.
He looked through missed calls.
48 of them. 12 from Sam, 3 from Bruce, 5 from Laura, 7 from Clint and 21 from Natasha.
He had 1 voicemail from Natasha. His hand was shaking as he pressed to listen to it.
"Hey, I know you're mad and you have every reason to be. If you hate me, Steve, I understand." she laughed, and ironically, that laugh hurts. Coz he knows that laugh, he knows he hurt her pretty bad. "I lied to you and I don't deserve you. If you want this to be over, I'll understand. Goodbye, Steve. I love you."
He released a breath he didn't know he was holding. He let tears fall. He didn't communicate, and it made her think he didn't want them anymore. He punched the table and he hurriedly went to the airport.
Steve arrived in New York.
He went to the parking lot of the airport to get his bike. He checked his phone, he found missed calls from Sam, Maria and Fury.
He didn't have time to call them back, he mounted his bike and headed straight to the tower.
He stopped a few blocks away from the tower, there was a traffic jam, the police had closed the road. He decided to leave his bike and just ran towards the tower. As he got closer, the jam is making more sense, broken glass and debris were on the street, and as he looked up, the window pane from a certain floor was broken, his breath was caught in his throat, something bad has happened. That explains Maria and Fury's calls. Something very bad has happened.
He reached the floor to the living room, the furniture were destroyed, glasses were broken, he found bullets on the floor, bodies of men lying on their blood.
Fury and Hill were talking to Bucky.
Sam walked towards him.
"Steve…" he said.
Then he saw Clint charging towards him and punched him.
"You bastard! This is your fault!" Clint was crying and angry. He didn't dodge or block his punches. Clint punched him again, Sam tried to hold Clint back, so did Bucky, Fury and Maria.
"Clint! That's enough!" Sam said.
"Let me go. Let me go! It's his fault!" Clint was so angry that he was afraid one of the veins in his neck would pop.
"This is nobody's fault, Clint." Maria tried to calm him down.
Clint seemed to have calmed down.
"Yeah, but if he was here, Nat would have had me, Sam, Bucky and him, she would have had extra protection."
Steve's heart sank. Something bad happened to Natasha. And he wasn't there to protect her.
"They wouldn't have gotten Nat, if he was here!"
Steve fell on his knees, tears flowing endlessly.
"Nat would still be here, SAFE! They wouldn't have easily gotten her if he was just here." Clint said, defeated and walked away.
A/N: I hope you like the Stan Lee cameo. Please leave a review. Tell me what you think. xxx
