Hello, readers!

Did I need to be basically quarantined because of the Coronavirus to update? You bet! All kidding aside, it's not pretty, anywhere, so stay at home, read fanfiction, play board games, watch TV, do whatever, but try not to go outside too much. And wash your hands!

Back to the story, chapter title is from Oblivions, from the latest album by The National. See, if I didn't wait so long between updates I would have finished BISY before this album saw the light of day!

But now I'll shut up and let you enjoy the chapter!


Chapter 25 - I Still Got My Fear


There's no way around it, Derek is living at her house now.

Meredith knows it's not official, but he's there more often than not, and she loves it. The boys love it, he makes it so much easier on her, and for once, they feel like a proper family.

She always felt like an impostor of some kind, even though she knows a single mother plus twins makes a family. She's sure the impostor feeling will not go away just because Derek is in the picture now. Somehow, the idea that she is a mother is still ridiculous.

Derek is sitting on the couch with his laptop, editing their article about Isaac's surgery, while she sits curled up next to him, listening to his soothing voice read it out loud. The boys are in bed, the house is quiet, and she thinks this cannot be her life.

"So, we decided together that cutting the cord was not a possibility," Derek says, looking up from the keyboard to smile at her.

"After drawing it on the wall." She quips back.

"In my defense, I offered to repaint it; I think I should remind you of that." Derek grins.

"I love it, please don't."

Derek's face softens, his eyes sparkle. "Should we say that I drew that on our bedroom wall in the first place?"

"And basically announce that we're in a committed relationship in The Annals of Neurosurgery?" She raises her eyebrow.

"Mer, there's nothing wrong with that. Surgeons will focus on the medicine anyways, not the fact that we solved this by drawing on the wall and picking nerves with eenie meenie miny moe." Derek smiles. "I like to see that surgeons are human in their articles, though, even when they're basically just celebrating their overinflated egos."

"Still…"

"I can ignore that part if you want to keep us private. I do want to go to conferences together, so someone might figure us out."

"I…" Meredith sighs, looking deep into his eyes, trying to decide, before she gets distracted by a pajama-clad Ethan making his way downstairs. "Hey Shrimp, what are you doing up?" she asks, and Derek turns his head as well.

"Mommy, I don't feel so good," Ethan says, grimacing.

Before she can ask him to elaborate, Meredith can see it happening in slow motion: Ethan curls his whole body within himself, his shoulders hunched, his midsection bending, then he hurls his dinner on the carpet right between the couch and the coffee table.

Instinct makes her spring to her feet as Ethan retches again, his groan unnatural and painful. Drool is dripping out of his mouth, and he looks visibly paler than a few seconds before. Meredith carefully avoids the pool of vomit and reaches for Ethan, rubbing his back.

Derek has also stood up, his eyes wide and worried, and he comes to stand in front of the couch, frozen in place.

"Can you get him a paper towel or something?" Meredith asks, her voice soft but firm as she starts rubbing circles on Ethan's back.

"I'll grab a bucket too." Derek snaps out of his frozen state and disappears in the kitchen.

"Okay, let's sit on the couch. We'll move Daddy's laptop and sit down here for a minute, okay?" she tells Ethan, who nods weakly. His body is hot to the touch, but he's shivering.

"Mommy, I'm sorry I threw up on the carpet." Fat tears start streaming down his red cheeks, and Meredith sighs, shaking her head and kissing his forehead gently.

"Oh, Shrimp, it's okay. Getting sick happens. It's not fun, but it happens."

"Here, barf bucket." Derek smiles as he comes back in the room with a roll of paper towels and an old mixing bowl.

Ethan accepts both the paper towel to wipe his mouth and the bowl. His eyes are still full of tears when he looks up at his father. "Thank you, Daddy," he says, his voice broken.

"Oh, buddy," Derek murmurs, his own eyes shining as he strokes Ethan's hair. "I'm sorry you're not feeling well."

Ethan sighs loudly, nestling his nose in the crook of Meredith's neck and curling up against her, holding the bucket between them.

The smell of vomit is starting to permeate Meredith's nostrils, but it feels easier to deal with this tonight than all the other times she had to do this by herself. She can just sit here and comfort her son while Derek tries his best to mop up the chunks of dinner on their carpet.

"If you need to throw up again aim for the bowl, okay Ethan?" she tells her son, whose eyes are already fluttering shut. Ethan nods, his cold nose brushing over her collarbone.

Meredith knows there won't be much sleep happening for her tonight.

"Is it just your tummy that feels spinny?" she asks, just to make sure it's not anything more serious than a stomach bug.

"I think so," he whispers.

"We'll sit here for a bit, then we'll go upstairs and check if you have a fever, okay?"

Ethan nods again, his breathing evening out.

"Ethan, honey, do you want to drink some water?" Derek asks, crouching at their feet. He reaches out to rub Ethan's back as Ethan vehemently nods his head.

She can smell the vomit on Ethan, but Derek seems unfazed. She's not sure if it's because he's a doctor who's used to strange bodily fluids or because he's perfect McDreamy, but in either case she appreciates it a lot. She should be a doctor too, but she can never compartmentalize when it comes to her children.

Derek produces a glass of water out of thin air, and she smiles up at him.

"Slow sips," he instructs Ethan, his voice soothing and calm. She feels Derek's lips on her temple, before he kisses Ethan's forehead as well, while their son drinks his water.

"My teacher said that Tim and Matt and Madison are sick. I think I got it, too, Mommy," Ethan says, handing back the glass to Derek, then flopping against her chest again, looking miserable.

"Great," Meredith mutters, sharing a look with Derek. If it came from school, it means that Logan probably will get it too, especially considering his immune system is still on the weak side after the surgery, and it will be for a bit.

"We'll be on the lookout," Derek murmurs to her ears only. "Want me to go check on him?"

Meredith shakes her head. "I think we should move him upstairs."

"I can carry Ethan up, then I can see if I manage to take the stain out of the carpet."

"Don't bother. It needs way more scrubbing than you can imagine. Just throw some stain remover on it and let it sit."

"I am a master carpet cleaner. Had to learn young after spilling one glass of juice too many." Derek smiles, but she has no time to fire back a witty remark before Ethan is heaving out the small dribble of water he drank before and the rest of his stomach contents.

He manages to aim almost entirely in the bucket, though some splashes end up on the carpet, again, as well as on his pajamas.

"That's what I was about to argue." Meredith sighs. "It's okay Shrimp, let it out."

"Mommy." Ethan whimpers, sniffling loudly, his eyes leaking tears.

Meredith feels helpless as she rubs his back and waits for this wave to pass.

When Ethan lifts his gaze up from the bucket, he looks miserable.

"Do you want Daddy to carry you upstairs so you can get out of your dirty jammies?"

Ethan nods, giving her the barf bucket and she tries not to gag at the smell hitting her nostrils.

Without more words being exchanged, Derek picks up Ethan from under his armpits and effortlessly lifts him up. Ethan curls up against his father, looking much younger than seven, giving her flashbacks of moments that never happened that she wishes had happened.

Meredith follows Derek upstairs after emptying the barf bucket in the guest bathroom. She can hear them talking in hushed voices, and she sighs, deciding to get a fresh set of pajamas for Ethan before she enters the bathroom.

When she rounds the corner at the top of the stairs, she almost collides against Logan.

"Mommy," he says, rubbing his eyes, looking miserable as well, and she can predict what will happen in a split second.

She watches Logan's face change color, and at lightning speed she's putting the barf bucket right under his chin. Logan is clearly half asleep still, because he manages to vomit not only in the bucket but also her arm, the front of his and her shirt, as well as his bare feet.

"Mommy!" he whimpers, before heaving again, this time with better aim, but it's mostly just him gagging and spitting bile in the barf bucket.

"Oh, Berry, it's okay. Your brother is sick too, you know?"

Logan sighs. "I think stupid Matt infected us all."

Meredith cracks a smile at that, even though she only wants to cry. One sick son is enough, but two puking messes on the same night will not be a pleasant experience. At all.

She leads Logan to the bathroom. The door is ajar, and as soon as they walk in, they are greeted by the sight of Ethan, crouching over the toilet bowl, Derek rubbing his back, while drool dribbles down his lips.

"Another patient for you, Dr. Shepherd," Meredith says, trying to keep the air between them light, or she'll start screaming.

"Oh, no, Logan! Are you sick, too?"

Logan nods miserably, squeezing her hand tightly. The whole room smells like vomit and rotten things, but they will get through this. They have to. She looks at her watch, now splattered with vomit, and sees that it's not even ten in the evening.

Awesome. This will be a very long night indeed.


Ethan and Logan are sitting on the bathmat, their backs against the porcelain of the bathtub, both looking miserable. They are barely able to keep their eyes open, they are shivering, and they are more or less splattered in puke.

Derek hears the thermometer beep, then removes it from Ethan's ear. Logan has a low-grade fever, but so does Ethan. He sighs in despair.

Meredith is in the boys' room, checking for further damage and retrieving clean pajamas, as well as getting a clean shirt for herself. They should probably all get multiple sets of clothing at this point. If the boys didn't have a fever he wouldn't be put out in keeping them in their underwear only.

Maybe a towel will work.

He quickly grabs two fuzzy beach towels from the hall closet and helps the boys undress.

"Daddy, I'm so cold!" Logan complains, shuddering as Derek removes his soiled pajama top.

"That's why I'm going to make a little sushi roll out of you," Derek smirks, wrapping Logan into the towel tightly. "Or you like a burrito better?"

"I wanna be a burrito, Daddy!" Ethan says, a sparkle of enthusiasm in his tone as he starts removing his pants by himself.

"Okay. Then we'll have an Ethan-wrap and a Logan-maki, how does that sound?"

Both boys giggle, only their mops of shaggy blond and raven hair and their smiles peeking from the towel wraps.

When Meredith comes back in his Bowdoin tee and sweatpants, three sets of clean clothes in her arms, she has a frown on her face.

"Mommy, I'm a burrito and Logan is a sushi roll."

She smiles at that, giving him a questioning look. He mouths "Go with it." She grins, her features finally relaxing, especially the little crease between her eyes.

"How are your tummies feeling?"

"Rolling," says Logan.

"Angry rolling," quips Ethan.

"Do you feel like you're going to throw up again?"

"There's nothing to throw up anymore, Mommy. I think." Ethan shrugs and the whole roll of him slips a bit. Derek tightens the ends around him, making him giggle.

"My chest hurts," Logan whispers, his eyes not meeting theirs. He exchanges a quick glance with Meredith, who is already panicking. He's not faring better, but he has to keep it together.

"What kind of hurting?" Derek asks.

"Like after my surgery, when my bones were healing. It hurts a bit."

"Can I unwrap your sushi roll and check you?" Derek asks, and Logan nods, dejected.

Derek proceeds to unwrap the least necessary so that Ethan can keep his body heat.

"It hurts here." Logan rubs his sternum, right over his red scar, and Derek hears Meredith sigh loudly.

"Like when you were sick or different?"

"No! It's like when I bump somewhere and I get a bruise. My heart is okay."

Derek sighs in relief, but for his own peace of mind he touches his son's sternum, feeling that nothing has shifted or snapped out of its position with the throwing up.

"Good. That's good." Derek repeats that over and over, trying to convince himself.

It's Meredith that snaps him out of it, taking his hand in hers, and now it's her turn to be the strong one.

"See, this bone here," she says, tracing Logan's sternum. "This is the sternum. It was hurt when you got your new heart, and it's still healing. So it feels a bit more hurt than the rest of your bones because you used it a lot when you were throwing up."

"That was a lot of throwing up." Logan nods mournfully.

"Me too Logan." Ethan sighs. "I got sick on the carpet downstairs." His cheeks are red.

"Logan, we told you, it's okay. We can clean the carpet. You did nothing wrong."

Logan sighs. "I got throw up on Mommy."

"Oh, that's bad."

Meredith kneels before her boys, wrapping them both in her arms. "You are two sick boys and I'm your mom, nothing you did is your fault. You are okay. You just focus on getting better."

Both boys sigh while she holds them and he watches them embrace, feeling almost like an intruder.

"Mommy, you smell like Daddy." Logan giggles, clearly more relaxed.

"That's because I'm wearing Daddy's shirt," she says, pulling away from them and quickly swiping at the corner of her eye with her knuckles. "They're comfier than mine."

"Mommy, can you sit here with us?" Ethan asks.

"Of course. There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

Meredith sits between the boys, pulling each lump under her arm.

"Daddy, can you fix my sushi roll then sit with us, too?" Logan asks, his eyes pleading.

"I would love to sit next to you."

Derek rolls up Logan in his towel, then plops himself next to him.

"Daddy, I wanna be next to you, too!" Ethan frowns.

Derek furrows his brow, then he has an idea. He picks up Logan, towel and all, and places him next to Ethan, on the other side of Meredith, then he sits there as well so that the boys are squished between them.

And there they sit, waiting for the worst of it to pass so that the boys can keep the medicine down. For the moment, they just sit, barf bucket within reach, the two boys with rolling stomachs and low-grade fevers, wrapped in beach towels. It is nothing short of surreal and not at all what Derek thought parenting would be, but he wouldn't want to be anywhere else tonight.

"Daddy, Mommy, tell us a story!" Logan asks, excited, even though he looks about to collapse.

Derek is the one that begins, pulling up some old memories from their trip to Italy, with Meredith pitching in once in a while, as the boys start to doze off against their shoulders.

"I can't feel my ass anymore," Meredith whispers when she knows both boys are asleep.

Derek lets out a quick chuckle.

"Also, I can only smell vomit." She scrunches up her nose in the most adorable way and he would kiss her if he didn't have to move the two lumps of towels between them, risking an awakening.

"Is this the first time they get sick together?" Derek asks.

"We all had the flu almost simultaneously when they were four. Good times. But no, puking in tandem is a first. And I'm already not keen on repeating this one."

"I agree. I hate it when they're not feeling well."

"With Logan being always sick I thought I could get over these things, but...nope. They still get me. And I hate vomit. I almost passed out in the toilet with morning sickness, so..."

"I'm sorry, I…" He sighs, unsure what to say. Because he never wanted to miss anything and he did, but he also needs to stop this pity party. What is done is done. "Next time I'll be there."

Meredith's eyes widen slightly, and she gives him a pointed look. "Next time?"

"If there is a next time." He corrects himself with a sheepish grin.

Part of him is okay with only Ethan and Logan and Meredith, but he also wants to be there from the start, and maybe have a little girl, with Meredith's eyes and her giggle.

Meredith sighs. "I never...I was never mother material. And then I had the twins and...but I need to think about it. Three is a lot of kids, Derek. Or do you want more?"

"Mer, I am okay just the four of us. It's more than I ever thought possible. Believe me, it is. But seeing your pictures and hearing your stories about you pregnant or the twins as babies...It's not the same. And I'd do it again if it leads me back here, but yes, I would like to be there for you, with you, from the start."

Meredith goes quiet, staring at her lap. "I can't say yes now. I need to think."

"I'm not saying let's start trying now, I'm just saying that at some point in the future I would be open to it. Distant future."

"You need to build us a house on your land first." Meredith smiles, clearly trying to distract him.

"I want to marry you first, too." Derek looks deeply into her eyes, as he sees tears shining there.

"What?"

Silence stretches, just like the corners of Derek's smile. He can't help himself, because all of a sudden, he's a psychic and he can see the future. His life is all stretching before him, and he loves what he sees. The words come tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop himself.

"I want to marry you. I want to raise our kids with you. I want to build us a house and grow old with you. I wanna die when I am one-hundred-and-ten, in your arms."

Meredith shifts her body fully toward him, her eyes widening. "Derek, what? Are you…"

"I love you, Meredith Grey, and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you."

The air stands still as he sucks in a breath. Has he botched everything? Has he really just proposed when they are sitting on the bathroom floor, smelling like puke, and with two sick kids bundled in towels between them? Has he really done that? He watches a million emotions shine through Meredith's eyes.

The question has been on the tip of his tongue forever, but why now? Why here?

"And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you," Meredith says, her smile lighting up her face completely, her voice choked up.

Gone is the tiredness and the weight of the world on her shoulders, she looks light. Her eyes are sparkling with a different kind of tears now, and her whole face is glowing. She is radiant, and Derek cannot take his eyes off her.

They both lean over, careful not to jostle their boys too much, and manage to share a long, languid kiss, over their children's lap. It's much more chaste than he intended it to be, but there will be room for heat and romance.

"Derek, are we engaged?" Her voice raises an octave at the last word, her eyes wider as he still holds her jaw with his palm.

"I think so?" He raises his eyebrows expectantly.

"Then yes," she giggles. "Yes, we are engaged."

And then they are laughing again, this time a bit more loudly, and the boys shift between them, but luckily they do not wake up.


Derek pulls away from her, and they both return to their original positions. Meredith feels bereft, and her head is still swirling, but she knows she will be okay. She can't contain her excitement at the idea of forever with Derek. She never thought she would be this girl, but here she is, and she's jittery.

"Mer, I want to give you a ring, maybe do this properly, not over two puking kids?"

Meredith giggles. Of course he wants to be romantic, but she loves this, it's even more perfect than anything else he could have concocted. "This is perfect. It's messy, like us. And I don't need a ring."

Derek sighs. "I still want to ask Ethan and Logan, though. I want their blessing."

Meredith giggles again. "Are you serious? You are their father."

"Mer...I practically grew up with a single mom. Boys are protective of their mothers. Mark and I...I would have wanted to know. Not that my mom ever dated anyone else that we know of, but if it got serious, I would have liked to have an opinion."

Meredith smiles at him. She has no doubt the boys are going to be excited to have him as their daddy forever, but she appreciates that Derek is thinking of them. Her heart squeezes in her chest at how sweet he is, and how thoughtful he's being with the boys.

"Okay."

"I was thinking I could take them camping the weekend of Father's Day. Give us some time alone in the woods."

"You think Logan is ready for camping?" She frowns.

"Of course. I can get a cabin this time if you feel more comfortable, but I think he's ready for some male bonding. And maybe some fishing."

"Okay. I...Okay." She's not sure she's truly on board with this idea, but she trusts Derek to take good care of them, and they need the time. She had them for seven years, all for herself, she can share the boys with Derek.

"Unless they're still a bit under the weather after this stomach bug."

"Father's Day is two weeks away, they should be okay by then. Maybe it's only a twenty-four-hour bug?"

"Let's hope so," he says, looking down at their two sons, passed out. "Should we move them to their beds?"

"I'm scared to break this balance." Meredith sighs. Usually, when she moves, more puking happens.

"Should we try to get some sleep here too, then?"

Meredith giggles. It's after midnight now, but she knows that she can call the hospital whenever and they will deliver a message in the morning as soon as Ellis comes in.

"I think I will call in, tell them the boys are sick and I need to switch shifts."

"Mer, I can stay home. I have an office day tomorrow, I can reschedule my consults, tell them it's a family emergency."

"Are you sure?" She stares at the honesty and vulnerability in his eyes, how sincere he's being tonight, and she will buy him a pony if he asks, because he's being McDreamy at his top potential. Family emergency. They are a family. They will be a real family, soon.

"Yes. I also have a bit of time off I can juggle, if we need to."

"Okay. Thank you, Derek."

"There's never enough time with them, Mere."

"Trust me, if they puke in your boxers, that's the limit."

They are laughing again, and that is not the last time it happens. They keep talking over their sleeping sons for the rest of the night, lost in their world, their eyes shining with new beginnings.


A/N: Okay, so I wrote this ages ago. It's a bit unfortunate to have the twins sick during this worldwide medical emergency, but at least this is usual, normal sick kids. I apologize for it, even though I still hope it took your mind off the crazy virus.

Again, wash your hands! Be a good person and think of the people that can't protect themselves!

Thank you, and until next update!