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Chapter 24

Isabelle sat in Alec's and Magnus' living room. She had more or less informed them of the conversation at Taki's, telling them about Clary's adventure last night and her returned memories. She now waited, watching them process the news.

After a moment's pause, Magnus let out a heavy sigh and got to his feet. ''I need a drink,'' he announced wearily, walking towards the kitchen. He clasped Alec's shoulder as he passed.

Alec sat still, his chin atop his clasped hands. He said nothing for a minute. Then two minutes. Then three. Isabelle finally broke the silence. ''Okay, you are starting to freak me out here.''

Alec rubbed his hands together and got to his feet. He opened his mouth to say something, closed it again, and then finally found the words he was looking for. ''HAS SHE LOST HER GODDAMNED MIND?''

Isabelle scrunched up her face and leaned away from Alec, rubbing her ear. ''I know-''

''WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS SHE THINKING?'' Alec continued. ''I MEAN SERIOUSLY?''

''Neighbors, sweetheart,'' Magnus said upon reentering the room. He had two glasses in his hand, one of which he handed to Alec.

Alec paused shouting long enough to down the alcohol in a single gulp. He slammed the glass down on the coffee table before looking at Isabelle expectantly. ''Well?''

''Are you quite done?'' Isabelle asked.

Alec scowled. ''No. How could Clary buy any of that crap?'' he continued, beginning to pace. ''How stupid and idiotic-'' he stopped as he caught Magnus' expression. ''What is it?''

Magnus was leaning against one of the wooden supports of the room. He took a slow sip of his drink before answering. ''It's not entirely idiotic,'' he said carefully.

Alec blinked in astonishment. ''Excuse you?''

''Clary remembering things,'' Magnus clarified. ''The idea of her getting her memory back is not out of the question. It actually makes sense.''

''That's what Jace said,'' Isabelle put in. Alec stared at them in openmouthed shock.

''Jace wasn't appalled at this?'' he asked in disbelief. He scowled again as a thought occurred to him. ''He knew, didn't he?''

''Well-''

''Oh my god!'' Alec pulled at his hair. ''Has everyone here suddenly lost their minds?''

''Maybe we just need to calm down-'' Magnus began.

''Calm down? Jonathan Morgenstern is alive and kicking and we're just supposed to go okay?''

''Of course not,'' Isabelle said bitterly. ''As I was going to say before you completely lost it, Jace and I discussed it. We think we need to tread carefully.''

Alec scoffed. ''Tread carefully? That is the grand idea here? Tread carefully?''

''We can't just kill her brother in front of her!''

''He is not her brother!'' Alec protested. ''He is the guy who tried to kill her, us, and the world!''

''Alec-''

Magnus cut Isabelle off with a wave of his hand. ''Really, there must be more to it than that.''

Isabelle shrugged helplessly. ''From what Jace said and how Clary acted this morning, Jocelyn must've really come down hard on Clary.''

Alec threw his hands in the air. ''Thank god. A sane person.''

Magnus grabbed his arm and lowered it again. ''You really need to get a grip.''

''No matter the validity of these memories,'' Isabelle went on. ''Clary needs us. We are all agreed trusting Jonathan for a second is a bad idea, but we can't just kill him.''

''Why not?'' Alec challenged.

''Because Clary would flip.''

''She already has.''

Isabelle frowned at her brother. ''And Max would too.''

''Then he's crazy too.''

''So what do you want to do, Alec?'' Magnus asked wearily. ''Go in there and cut his throat?''

''To start with,'' Alec said. ''Then knock Clary upside the head. And Max. Hell, Jace too for not telling us in the first place.''

Magnus spread his hands. ''And here I didn't think you had a plan.''

''Alec,'' Isabelle said, hands on her chest. ''I love that plan. With all my heart. I want to marry that plan. But that plan will cause our little brother and Clary to never speak to us again.''

''They'll be alive though, won't they?'' Alec replied haughtily. Isabelle sighed in response.

''Why though?'' Magnus asked. ''Why do they care so much?''

''What do you mean?'' Isabelle asked.

''Why do we care?'' Alec asked.

Magnus gestured as he talked. ''Clarissa remembers some memories of her brother,'' he said. ''So that explains her reluctance and wanting to give him a chance. But your brother? Why would he care?''

''Because he brought him back,'' Alec replied impatiently. ''He brought him back and feels guilty for leaving him in the Seelie's prison because he is a decent human being while Jonathan-''

''Alright.'' Magnus held up a hand for Alec to stop. ''I understand.''

''Well, now that everyone is on the same page…'' Isabelle stood up. ''I will take my leave.''

''That's it?'' Alec said as his sister walked away. ''We are just leaving it at this?''

Isabelle shrugged. ''We have a plan.''

''The plan sucks.''

''Cheers to that.'' Magnus downed the last of his drink.

It was mid afternoon before Clary went back home. She had managed to kill some time reading in the park, but she couldn't focus on demons and runes while her home life was so unsettled. So swallowing her anxiety, she had started home.

Given the time of day, Luke would be at the bookstore. Only Jocelyn would be home. Clary didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

The apartment door clicked shut behind her. She shrugged her bag off her shoulder and onto the floor, not trusting the weight of the books on the hook. She then walked carefully into the living room.

Her mother was sitting there on the couch, her back to Clary. She turned to look at her as she entered. There was Chinese takeout on the coffee table. Jocelyn gestured to it. ''Lunch?''

Her tone was plain. It was impossible to gauge her anger behind it. Clary didn't meet her mother's eyes as she walked around the sofa, sitting down on the other side of it and accepting the container her mother handed her.

Jocelyn sighed as she stared straight ahead. ''Clary,'' she said. ''There's something you need to understand…''

''Mom, please don't.''

Jocelyn shook her head. ''What you said before, about me having suffered enough, I need you to know I appreciate the sentiment. But my story…'' she trailed off for a second, searching for words. ''I want it to be simple. It would be great if it happened like you said. I lived with an abusive husband, I lost my child, and now I get my happily ever after with the man I've always loved and being with my daughter. But there was more to it, Clary. I didn't always love Luke. I loved Valentine. And while I may have stopped the Uprising, I didn't see it through, did I? And I certainly was part of the reason it got as far as it did.''

Clary was silent as her mother continued. ''I don't want you to pity me, Clary,'' Jocelyn said. ''I don't want you to think you have to hide things from me. Does it worry me you are a Shadowhunter? Of course it does. But I know you are capable. I know you are strong. So even though the idea of Jonathan being back terrifies me, and the idea of you not only have memories of him before everything that happened, but that you think he can change-''

''Mom,'' Clary finally interjected. ''I know he did horrible things. I know. But the things I remember…'' Clary shook her head. ''They don't excuse his actions by any means. But they make me wonder if he had had us…'' Jocelyn closed her eyes at that. Jonathan's words ran in Clary's ears, but she had to ask. ''Mom, I'm not judging. I'm not trying to hurt you. But please tell me- did you suspect? When Valentine burned the manor down, did you suspect Jonathan was alive?''

Jocelyn let out a trembling breath. Clary was afraid she's made her angry, but instead she noticed tears on her face. ''I didn't let myself entertain the thought,'' she admitted quietly.

''When I came to New York,'' she went on. ''I found a job as a waitress in a crappy restaurant in a crappy neighborhood. I lived in a little hovel above the place. I did nothing but work and sleep. When I was six months pregnant with you, I gathered my money and pawned some of the jewels I took with me from the manor and started looking for an apartment.'' Jocelyn inhaled sharply. ''I stared looking at six months pregnant. I didn't buy a place until you were two months old.

''Every place I looked at I kept thinking 'it's to small.' I didn't know why until I realized it was because I knew it was to small for three people. Because I knew it should be three people. I knew there should be a toddler bed next to the crib I was planning on buying you.

''I was afraid of Jonathan, Clary. I knew I was. I told you in Idris I tried to do well by him regardless and I did- but I'd be lying if I said my best was very good. I know there were times I was a horrible mother, and Valentine a horrible father. There was a time people had to intervene and say as much to us. So when I saw the burned mansion, I knew Jonathan was gone. I didn't let myself think about if Valentine had him or if he was dead because it didn't matter. Either way I had lost him.

''But the impact of not having him didn't hit me until I was searching for apartments. Looking for a bedroom that would fit one kid instead of two, one bed instead of two. And I knew as soon as I settled on a place, I was giving up. I was admitting failure. I was accepting the fact I lost my son.''

''But if you thought he was alive-''

''Clary,'' Jocelyn's voice was barely a whisper. ''The one thing about Valentine that made him better than me was that he loved Jonathan. And I knew if he was alive, Valentine would be better to him than I could've.''

Clary shook her head. ''I don't believe that.''

Jocelyn scoffed. ''I'm glad,'' she said. ''That means maybe I've changed.'' She sighed again. ''The idea of Jonathan being human is an idea I will never be able to grasp. It is all sorts of wrong, Clary. I know it is. But please understand that it's not because I don't want to.''

Clary wanted to say a thousand things. She wanted to push the matter, to hear more about her mother's life after the Uprising, to imagine all the ways things could've gone right. But Jonathan's words rang in her ears; this wasn't her story. This wasn't her place.

She sighed and moved closer to her mother. She rested her head on her shoulder, tilting her Chinese container to her. ''Sweet-and-Sour-Chicken?''

Jocelyn gave a weary chuckle as she kissed her daughter's head.