I was sitting on a small operations table as pain was throbbing throughout my body. A doctor was securing a abdominal cast around the lower half of my rib cage, and I was certain he hadn't bothered with anesthetics. The room around me was stuffy and reeked of rubbing alcohol - to my left was a small tray with several instruments, few of which I recognized. And to my far left was Kylo Ren, clearly vexed and concerned.
He had just saved me from dying a brutal death at the hands of General Hux. I was still in shock from the attack, no doubt, but what phased me even more was the fact that Kylo had not killed him then and there. The anger in his eyes was different from every other time he was infuriated; it was almost... dead. As if he wasn't in control of his actions. But, then, how did he keep his cool? Trying to answer the questions in my head, I looked into his eyes, which were now focused on the doctor's movements.
Suddenly, he left me on the table and turned to speak with Kylo. I heard them trading whispers, and even though I was only a few feet away, it was still inaudible to me. This made me angry, as I felt that I had a right to know what he was saying, given that it was my body that was hurting. I would have said something to them, except for the fact that my lungs were sore from the beating Hux had given me. It had never occurred that he was able to lash out so suddenly - I had always imagined him as the 'cool' one, whereas Kylo was the uncontrollable one. However, it seemed that my presence had changed that, leaving Hux constantly angry towards me, and Kylo at peace. I couldn't quite wrap my head around any of it.
My thoughts were interrupted by something pressing against the back of my head. I inhaled sharply at the pain, turning to see the nurse rubbing a white cream on the spot of the injury.
Kylo's eyes darted towards me in my distress, instantly dropping his attention from the doctor. "What is it?"
I looked back at him as the nurse continued to apply the antiseptic. He was tense, enough so that it made me feel guilty, as if I was causing his discomfort. "Nothing, it... I was just startled."
He folded his arms over his chest, and his furrowed brow showed his dissatisfaction with my answer. He knew I was hurting, but what good would it do to call me out on that?
Looking between me and Kylo, the doctor sighed and walked back over towards me. I noticed his tired expression as he searched one of his pockets before pulling his hand out.
"Here." he held a small vile of a thick, milky liquid in front of me.
I faltered, grimacing, as the substance made my stomach turn. "What is it?"
"Bactade."
Bactade? I thought. I had heard of Bacta, even of a Bacta spray, but never Bactade.
"What do I do with it?"
"Eat it." he said blatantly, as if it was common knowledge to eat anything in a vile that a doctor should hand me.
I looked at the Bactade, before casting a nervous glance to Kylo. He gave me a small nod of encouragement as he continued to stare anxiously at my every move.
I cautiously took the vile from him, its contents sloshing about. Before giving myself any time to react, I held I nose and downed it in one gulp. I instantly began to cough from the chalky taste and my body shuddered violently. The doctor handed me a small cup of water, which I drank quickly to wash down the flavor. He sighed and turned back to Kylo.
"She'll need to rest for a while," the doctor said, while removing his gloves, "maybe more than a few days. She's suffered a fractured sternum and a fractured rib, but it isn't too serious, since it cracked near the outer curve. The most I'm worried about is the minor skull fracture - again, it's small, and I don't see any signs of swelling or bruising in the brain, but it's good to keep an eye out for them. The rest is all bruising, which the bactade should take care of."
Kylo nodded his head towards the doctor, who then swiftly exited the room. The nurse followed and closed the door behind her.
Silence filled the room, and I noticed that Kylo's eyes had drifted back to my stomach. I looked around for something to grab my attention, before I could allow my mind to wander to guilt and shame. However, all I noticed was that everything was so... white. The walls, the floor - everything had a glossy, cream-colored shine to it. The more I thought of it, the more it hurt my head.
"You'll most likely be staying here for the next week or so." he said, breaking the silence.
I wasn't sure how to respond. If I met his gaze, it would only make him either more angry or more concerned. And that wouldn't make anything better, be it his emotions or mine.
"How are you feeling?" he asked as walked towards me, his expression cautious.
"Fine." I lied. There was no sense in complaining to him how much I was hurting; it wouldn't do any good.
He moved his hand to my head, gently pressing his thumb against my temple. "You're in pain." he stated.
I sighed. What was I supposed to say to that? There was no point in talking to someone if they were just going to read my thoughts. I remained silent and stared at my bare feet, which were somehow completely clean after having no shoes for months. The nurse (who was a female, which surprised me after having thought the base was void of my gender) had changed me into black shorts and a hospital gown, and wrapped thick gauze around my chest and taped a piece to the side of my head.
Kylo pointed at my stomach. "May I ...?"
I looked at him, and then to my stomach, sighing. Seeing my bruises would only fuel his anger towards Hux, and I didn't want to see them fight... again. True, I was mad at the man, but causing more friction between the two of them, the two commanders of the base, definitely wasn't going to solve anything; and I wasn't even trying to solve something.
Kylo took my sigh as granted permission and lowered himself to his knees, gently lifting up my shirt. He instantly seethed and his brow furrowed at the sight of the large, swollen, black bruise on my stomach. I tried not to react, but hot tears began to sting in my eyes. This was all my fault: the stress, the pain that we both felt, was all because of me. And I wasn't anything special, let alone anything necessary to anyone.
"I'm sorry." his words tumbled from his lips in a frenzy.
I sighed, my breath shaking from the threat of crying. "Please, don't say that. It's my fault - there was nothing we could do, there isn't even anything we can do now." In a desperate attempt, I grasped one of his hands and held it tightly, feeling his fingers react and curl around mine.
"We'll leave." he said firmly.
I looked back into his eyes, which were still staring at the bruise on my stomach. His words shocked me - they flew in circles throughout my head as I struggled to get a hold on them.
"Leave?" I repeated, taken aback. "Kylo, you can't. You're the leader of this base, you can't just- "
"You're in danger." he interrupted. "You aren't safe here, I'm not able to protect you."
"Kylo..." I placed my hands on the sides of his head, gently inquiring him to look into my concerned eyes. There were so many things I wanted to tell him, so many reasons I had to convince him to stay; but the reality of it all was that he was telling the truth. He had a job on the base, and wouldn't be able to watch everything I do. It would be easier for him to protect me if he were to leave and take me with him... But I couldn't do that to him. If he did leave, he would have no purpose, no side to take. Even though he would be abandoning Starkiller base, therefore losing their trust, he still wouldn't take the Resistance's side. I simply watched his expression as he was avoiding my gaze, lost in thought as he continued to stare at my abdomen.
He took hold of one of my hands. "I can tell that you're not happy, as well- "
"That's not true!" I said hastily. "I am happy here; I have you, every day." Tears were starting to fall down my cheeks.
"Then how is it that you never smile?" he asked, his voice quieter than ever, his eyes finally meeting my. "Whenever I see you, it looks as if you're trapped, or your completely miserable."
Again, he was right; I hated it there. I'd fed myself lies after Kylo had confessed to me, thinking that I was now free. In reality, my cage had just expanded. And now there were people who disapproved, and people who were even trying to kill me in that cage. But it hurt me more to think that he was so infatuated by me that he would leave everything behind.
I had, though not purposely, manipulated his mind. He wanted to leave Starkiller base, his home, just to see me happy. He would lay down everything he had left of himself to keep me safe.
"You're just upset." I said, trying to make him see the absurdity behind his words. "This is all just because I got hurt, it'll pass- "
"But don't you see?!" he shouted with frustration. "Yes, it was only that one time you were hurt where I wasn't there, but that does not mean it won't happen again! And if it does, I may not be there that time. Hux will try to kill you; he thinks that you've... that you've manipulated me..." he stood and walked away from me, pinching the bridge of his nose as he was deep in thought.
"I've done... something to you." I began, "Not purposely, but nonetheless, I have. And it's interfering with your role as commander of the base. I'm not helping you in any way- "
"Then why would you let me get so close to you?" he said; I noticed his shoulders shaking as he cried. "Why would you let me have something, only to tear it away and say that I never should have taken it?"
I sighed as more tears began to flow down my face. "First, I didn't exactly have a choice - But I wasn't doing it to hurt you! I just - I was caught up in the moment, I was lost, I had no sense of what was right or wrong! But now I know that I'm only hurting you and everyone around you. I'm not - good for you." The words hurt as they tumbled from my lips.
He continued to stand with his back towards me, his shoulders moving with each jagged breath. I wondered if he had even listened to what I'd said, or at least tried to acknowledge it. I knew what he was like; he only lived by his anger, there was no possible way that he would even try to consider my words. It frustrated me that he wouldn't look at the problems in his decision, which would affect the both of us.
"Please..." I continued to persuade him, "leaving is not going to make things right- "
"And how is it that you know what's right for me?!" his shouting intensified as he grew more infuriated. "You're just doing what's best for me; you're not helping me in any way; you were lost - since when did this all center around how you feel or what you do?!"
"Damn it, Kylo!" I shouted. "This isn't about how I feel! This whole time, I've been saying how this will affect you! I'm trying to show you how leaving would only make you as equally unhappy as you are now! I'm concerned for you, not myself! And didn't you start this entire argument based on the fact that I was in danger? That I was unhappy?!"
I was forced to stop speaking as my lungs began to hurt with each breath, and my crying only disturbed my broken rib. None of my words were being acknowledged by him, and I was only frustrating myself and putting stress on my wounds. I felt helpless; torn between giving Kylo what was good for him or what was right for him.
Ripping me from my thoughts, I felt Kylo's hands against my own. He knelt in front of me and stared into my eyes, his face soft but determined.
"It's for the best." he whispered. "It really is. Neither you nor I are happy here. We can't stay here, for the sake of our own sanity."
I returned his gaze with a defeated look. He wasn't going to change his mind, he wasn't even going to consider the damage his decision could cause. It made me feel frustrated and saddened at the same time - he claimed he was doing this all for my happiness, yet he continued to talk about how it would make him feel. But what could I say? He had come to a conclusion, and there was no possible way in which I would be able to change that.
I sighed, squeezing his hands for comfort. "Where will we go?" I whispered.
He seemed to have relaxed, knowing that I was now compliant with his decision. "I'm not sure yet; but it doesn't matter, as long as we leave soon- "
"It does matter," I objected, "they'll look for you, and if they find you... " I trailed off, unable to think of the horrible things that Hux would do if he had caught the both of us.
"They won't, I assure you." Kylo stroked my hair in consolation. "We'll be far away, in a place that they wouldn't know existed."
Even though he tried to comfort me, fear still rose into my throat, causing a lump to form through the tears. How could they not find us? I thought. A station like Starkiller base would be able to find a grain of sand in a field of snow. It was too risky to leave, but I knew I had no other choice.
Kylo sensed my fear. He moved his hand to caress my face, his eyes still sad. "I swear to you, they won't- "
I cut him off with a swift kiss on his lips. I didn't want to hear anything at the moment, not even my own thoughts. The kiss was far from passionate and loving; it was desperate and longing, as if it were the last one the two of I would ever share. He gently put one hand on the back of my neck, being sure as to not ignite any more pain than I was already in. However, it only ignited more sadness within me... there was a small premonition in the back of my mind that I might lose him, and soon.
He pulled away, leaning his forehead against mine. I noticed his breath was shaking, and his eyes were squeezed shut. He seemed anxious, more than I was.
"I promise." he said, his eyes still closed. "They will not find us alive."
