Take This Child, Peri

- "You know, when I was a kid whenever I heard a baby screaming I felt like beheading it with a hatchet," Peri said pensively. "And the mere idea of shitty diapers and going 'ga-ga-ga! who's mother's little sweety-pie?' repulsed me and I thought that I would never want to become a mother."

Sarevok smiled and stretched, shifting Umikaze into a better position in his lap.

- "You didn't exactly plan to become one, did you, though?" he said.

- "No... but from the moment Jelena confirmed what I already knew, I felt her. So real. Not a person as such, I didn't know even if she was a girl or a boy or anything, but this... presence. This life already begun within me, how a new soul already was born. I didn't one moment think of wanting to get rid of her. It just wasn't an option."

- "Yeah, there is something truly sick about a woman who could kill her own baby," Imoen said.

The siblings were enjoying an unusually warm day at An Mah's yard, introducing Umikaze to the pleasures of outdoor life.

- "Don't say that," Peri said, frowning. "We never knew poverty and loneliness. First Gorion took care of us, and soon enough, through the drama of all this Bhaal business, we became powerful and rich. Umi sometimes nearly drives me crazy, and she doesn't even walk yet. And I have you guys to whine to, and help me."

- "I guess," Imoen amended. "It is just... she is so wonderful. So precious."

- "So she is," Sarevok agreed.

- "She is," Peri said, smiling with pride. The child was giggling at the moment, grabbing at Sarevok's face, and his brother's face melted into a soft, protective smile.

- "So how does Umi make you feel, bro?" Peri asked nonchalantly.

- "How does she make me feel? Very... vulnerable, full of emotions I didn't know existed. Full of marvel... marvel at the miracle that is life," Sarevok said in a serious tone. His face twisted in sudden pain.

- "I, who not only thought nothing of life! I, who reveled in ending it, who planned raining death over thousands in order to fulfill my mad dream! Take this child, Peri... I am not worthy of holding a bearer of new, innocent life!" he went on, the familiar pain etched in his burning eyes, holding the upset child out for Peri.

- "You upset Umi, Sarevok! She doesn't understand why you suddenly are in such a pain," Peri said, but realized that he couldn't help it. So she picked the child up, and Umikaze calmed down, snuggling next to her mother's bosom.

- "Sarevok," Imoen said cautiously. "Is this ever going to end? You save Realms from new Lady of Murder. You save Peri's life, and mine, many times in our battles. You save Suzail from a conquering army. You put down a vile child slaving business. And yet, all the time it is down there. The massive guilt, the feeling that you are worthy of nothing but pain and regret. Will anything ever set you free? Are you secretly thinking that you have no right to live again?"

Sarevok was clutching himself like a child now, covering his ears with his hands. Peri watched him in silent horror, seeing clearly that his body language was exactly the same as the small boy's he had once been. She slowly walked to Imoen and gave Umikaze fto her, then went to Sarevok and gently pulled the hands off his ears.

Sarevok, in his concentrated pain, was reminded of how Winski so long ago had done exactly the same thing. He didn't want to hear his questions, didn't want to share the shame of submitting to Reiltar's cruel treatment... and just as then, a loving person gently forced him to listen when he didn't want to. He reluctantly looked up.

- "You know, Sar... Imoen is right. This is obviously not a question of just doing enough," Peri said sadly.

- "It is... I see the person I was and I so despise him."

- "You know... there was a lot in him that wasn't despicable. He was proud, and strong, and passionate. Just like you are today. Sure he was also a homicidally insane ranting megalomaniac, but little details like that..." Peri gambled a joke and a grin. It seemed to work, as Sarevok actually smiled back a little.

-"But," she continued, "that is why I asked you about Umikaze, you see. She is very small, and vulnerable, and needs other's help. You seem to love her very much. And I think you must also love yourself that way. The kid you were, the one who never got the love and care all children should be due. Love him. And then you can perhaps forgive yourself."

- "But... I have to be strong, I need to be strong. I have to be the one who protects, who is the one who can not fall," Sarevok explained, genuine anxiety in his voice.

- "No-one is made of steel, Sarevok," Peri said. "We all have our weak spots. Yours is not the stamina of your body or the strength of your sword arm. It is your passionate nature, a blessing and a curse in the same magnificent packet."

Sarevok pressed her against him, almost crushing her. Like so often happened, his emotions were a painful mess that just ran through him, preventing him from thinking straight.