Author's Note: ... Thank you.


Snap. Rip. Tear. A ragged breath. The crickets were silent as Eddy emerged from the brush at the edge of Park N' Flush trailer park. His eyes scanned the tin pillars that dotted the barren ground. He spotted his destination. His feet worked up the courage to move him through the looming mobile homes. He ducked behind Lee's car when he neared the ominous blue trailer that housed his two best friends and their captors.

The desperate teenager looked down at the weapon he held in his shaking right hand. Kevin's switchblade. It only served to remind him of the uncaring and callous remarks the other kids had made. A parody? One big joke? None of this was funny to Eddy. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't find the humor in it. No way in Hell was he the one who was confused; in fact, despite the tremors of fear running through him, his mind was sharp and focused. He would save his friends from this demented, sick game.

He rounded the front of the car and stayed low as he walked toward the door to the Kankers' trailer. He could hear them now from this distance. He could hear their cackling from the upstairs bedroom. His teeth dug into his bottom lip as his mind raced by what they could be doing to Ed and Edd. It had to stop now. He reached out his hand and pressed it against the wire mesh on the door. It swung open slightly. They had left it unlocked, as if inviting him in.

He slipped inside and left the door hanging open behind him. He scanned the room but everything was like he remembered it. Not a cheap knickknack out of place. The focus he had moments earlier wavered as he realized he didn't really have a plan. Should he storm the Kanker's bedroom? Should he wait down here to ambush them? He so badly wanted to do the former but he was afraid they might overpower him. The latter he knew he couldn't take, having to wait it out while they abused his friends.

When he heard the door to the Kankers' bedroom open, it seemed he wouldn't have to decide. He glided toward the Kankers' couch and hid behind the armrest at the end. He heard someone walking down the stairs as the sound of May and Marie's laughter rung from upstairs. The very girl he wanted to see had come down from above to grace him with her presence. He heard footsteps toward the kitchen, but they suddenly stopped. He then heard them move toward the front door. He watched from his hiding place as Lee walked toward the front door, her mouth hanging open a little in disbelief. She reached out and shut the door, but lingered for a moment beside it. Eddy knew this was his one and only chance. He emerged from the safety of the darkness and approached Lee silently from behind.

"Good morning, sleepyhead."


"We'll be laughing about this prank for years, huh guys?" Jonny said as he happily scrubbed at the congealed garbanzo paste slicked across the floor.

"Maybe we'll be laughing, dude, but Eddy sure didn't find it funny..." Nazz replied as she helped Kevin operate a belt sander to even out the spot where he had been punched in the face by Eddy.

"That minidork takes himself way too seriously. Here I thought Eddy would appreciate a good laugh but the dork disease runs deeper than leading scientists imagined," Kevin chimed in as he accidentally sanded away part of his impeccable chin.

"Rolf believes that one day the dollar-for-a-cup-of-coco Ed-boy shall realize his shame and join us in the delightful parody of our miserable lives!" Rolf announced, his hand wiping with a rag at the spray paint on the back wall.

"Parody is painful, I think a light satire would've been more my cup of tea," Dutch added as he mopped at a gurgling concoction of gravy and garbanzo. "What do you think, Sarah?" he asked as he looked over at the wrathful youth. He raised an eyebrow as he watched her blankly scrub at the mess. She was staring off at nothing. "What's got your goat?" he asked as he stopped mopping. Sarah looked up slowly.

"I don't know. Something doesn't feel right," she responded. A cold shiver ran up her spine. It was the same one from the dance floor earlier that night.

"Yeah, that's because my chin isn't level anymore," Kevin complained as Nazz shot Aloe Vera all over his face.

Sarah gulped.

"Are you sure we were all in on the joke? That Eddy was? The Kankers too?" Sarah asked.

"Of course we're all in on the joke! How can anyone take this story seriously?" Dutch replied before spinning the mop around in his hands like a Shaolin warrior.

Sarah gave a nervous laugh.

"Oh, you're right, Jimmy. It was just a stupid, stupid feeling..." she said. Dutch stopped his martial arts performance.

"What did you call me?"

"Uh, don't play dumb with me, Dutch. You're only allowed to do that when we're knee deep in girly crap!" Sarah said playfully.

"Amen to that, girlfriend!"


The blade held fast against Lee's throat. Her entire body was frozen in abject terror. This was how Eddy finally wanted to see this asshole. She finally got to experience the same fear he and his friends felt every time she and her sisters paid them a visit. To return the favor was a form of morbid therapy. "Call out to your sisters," Eddy commanded as he tightened his hand around Lee's wrists and pressed the blade against her. "Get them to come down. We need to have a talk." She let out a shaky breath in response. He released a bit of pressure from the blade and the terrified woman cleared her throat.

"May, Marie, get down here now!" Lee yelped. The sounds from upstairs ceased. Silence washed over the air for a moment.

"Find the fucking camera yourself, Lee, me and May are a little busy here!" Marie's voice called out from above.

"I said get your asses down here right the fuck now!" she screamed in desperation. Silence again. It was soon interrupted when the sounds of May and Marie climbing off of their bed and moving around were heard from upstairs. Eddy once again placed the edge of the blade close to Lee's throat and she froze up all over again.

"What the hell do you want, Lee?" Marie yelled as she and May walked down the staircase. A deep crease of anger formed on Eddy's forehead when he saw that they were only wearing bras. This was no parody. This was serious. And he was going to make them pay as well for tormenting his best friends. The two girls stopped in front of their kitchen and looked around. He couldn't have that. They had to see their sister. To see what was in store for them too.

"Over here, you bitches," Eddy growled out, prompting May and Marie to whirl around to face him. Their faces lit up in shock when they saw Eddy holding their sister hostage. The two pairs took a minute to stare at each other, neither moving from their spots. It was clear May and Marie didn't know what to say. Eddy was tired of waiting for them to speak up. "If you value your sister's life, you two better walk upstairs and get Ed and Double D, right now," he ordered, a cold determination in his words. The two girls simply stared at him with horrified expressions. "I said now, damn it!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, causing May and Marie to jump backwards.

"Whoa, what the hell are you doing, Eddy?" Marie cried as May shivered next to her. Eddy couldn't believe this. What the hell was he doing?! Fuck that! What the hell were they doing?!

"Shut your fucking mouth!" he yelled. "Stop playing this twisted game and get my friends down here!"

"This isn't funny, Eddy, so you should probably let Lee go so we can get back to the jokes..." May requested as her eyes bugged out. This was getting ridiculous. The Kankers were going to use the same cover as the rest of the kids? That this was just a gag? He wasn't buying it for a second.

"No way, you bitches are not going to pull the same trick the rest of those asshats tried to pull on me!" Eddy complained as he began to turn a dark shade of red. Marie put up her hands, clearly terrified that Eddy was going to harm her sister.

"Listen, I don't know what you think is going on here, but-" Marie began.

"I'll tell you what the fuck is going on here! You three scumbags are going to go upstairs, bring my friends to me, and then you're going to stop abusing us until the day you die! That's what's going on!" Marie and May exchanged panicked expressions.

"Eddy, the damn story is over. We're not doing what you think we're doing," Marie cautioned as she took a step forward. "Now put down the knife and let Lee go." Eddy swallowed his saliva. He began to suddenly have self-doubt. He stowed the thought away.

"Then what the hell are you doing, huh?" Eddy demanded. "You expect me to believe you're not abusing my friends? Look at you!" May and Marie looked down at their bare bellies and exposed bras.

"Oh that? Nah, we're just playing a game upstairs with Ed and Double D," May stated as calmly as she could.

"Just playing a game? Are you fucking nuts?! Do you expect me to buy that?!" Eddy exploded, May and Marie stepping backwards as fear returned to their faces. "All the bullshit we've put been through this past week?! The fake friendships?! The fake party?! The horrible shit Kevin and the rest of those assholes pulled on me and my friends?! Now you expect me to believe you, the Kanker sisters, dragged Ed and Double D out here to play a fucking game?!" The two girls stared at Eddy silently as he took in several labored breaths. It was unreal how badly these monsters wanted him to doubt himself. There was nothing to doubt here.

"Yes?" Marie responded flatly. Eddy was about to lose it. At any moment he would cut Lee just to prove his point. He relented, if only to see what sorry excuse these two had.

"Alright then," he said, poison dripping from those two words. "What are you guys playing?"

"Uno, of course!" May said gleefully. Eddy's mouth fell open. He was clearly confused beyond repair.

"U-Uno? Y-You're... playing Uno?" he asked quietly. No, he didn't believe them. That couldn't be true-

"I have my hand right here!" May declared as she reached into one of the cups of her bra and pulled out some cards. She fanned them out. They were Uno cards.

"What... what the fuck?!" Eddy cried as his grip on Lee loosened, much to her relief. "But... but what about your shirts? Why the hell are you only wearing bras?!"

"The air conditioning is busted in our room, dummy," Marie replied, confidence suddenly returning to her voice. "It's blazing hot up there. Heck, Ed and Double D took off their shirts too, so it's totally not weird." This wasn't adding up. It couldn't be. This whole ordeal couldn't actually be a parody, could it?

"What about the camera? Who needs a camera to play Uno?" Eddy asked, grasping at anything he could to prove himself right.

"Because I was totally about to cream everyone with my next move and I wanted it on film!" May said. "It ain't everyday I can say I won a game of Uno, especially when Marie cheats!"

"I don't fucking cheat, woodchuck. You're just a dumbass who never calls Uno and gets steamed when you have to draw more cards," Marie shot back. As the two sisters bickered, Eddy looked on in fear. This wasn't right. He was supposed to come in here and save his two friends. Now he was lost. He didn't know what to do. None of this could be real. These girls were monsters who were torturing him and his friends. Not playing Uno with them. Not having fun with them. No, the only thing they were capable of was cruelty.

"E-Eddy..." Lee sputtered out. He realized he had pressed the blade even harder into Lee's throat now that he was so stressed out. He looked up at the red-headed woman, a haze in his eyes. "T-They're... tellin' the truth, ya know..." she said, shattering Eddy's perception of reality even further. He collected himself as best he could.

"But what about the things you and your sisters did to me?" Eddy asked, May and Marie continuing to argue in the background. "None of that was funny. None of that was a parody."

"I-It was, Eddy... you even stuffed ice cubes into your pants... how is that serious, dreamboat?" Lee asked him. He faltered completely. She was right. He hadn't taken any of it seriously until now. Why was he suddenly so angry and scared? All the events up to now had been played for laughs. He, his friends, and everyone else had acted like none of this mattered. They had all acted like bad comedians, so why now should things be any different now? This was all going to be played up for comedy too. He realized that now. He was the only one acting like it wasn't.

And now he had almost ruined his life over a bad joke.

The game had ended.

"F***," Eddy cursed before removing the switchblade from Lee's throat and shoving her toward her sisters. May and Marie ceased their bitchfit and caught Lee before she ate the floor for dinner. The Kankers then turned to Eddy and watched him as he stood there staring down at the ground. "I feel like a godd*** fool."

"*Snort* aw dont feel bad lol sum birdwatchin will cheer you rite up," May replied as she took a step toward Eddy to comfort him. Lee reached out and grabbed her arm.

"I think the little man needs his space right now, May, not you drooling all over his head," Lee recommended.

"Besides I'm totally over the birdwatching craze anyway. I say we make Eddy feel better by letting him join our Uno game," Marie said. Here it was, Eddy thought to himself. Everything was back to normal. Well, as normal as things could get in this insane tale.

"I don't feel like playing f***ing Uno. I just want to grab Ed and Double D and get the h*** out of here," Eddy said in a dreary tone. "I gotta go apologize to the others for wigging out anyway, might as well have my friends in tow to give me moral support."

"*Snort* we gotta stop da uno game short lmao i wuz just about to win too," May whined. Lee kicked her in the knees.

"Shut up, May," Lee said.

"Fine, let's go and grab the two loser boys upstairs. It was getting boring winning every hand anyway," Marie admitted.

"Good, I'm sick of standing around here awkwardly after almost offing your sister," Eddy said as he walked over to them, ready to begin their journey upstairs.

"Hold on there, mack daddy," Lee said, causing Eddy to stop in front of them. "Speaking of almost offing me, do you mind putting away the knife? My throat would really appreciate it." He looked down at the knife, which his hand was still tightly wound around.

"Man, Kevin's going to have a conniption when he finds out I was running around with his prized arm cutter," Eddy moaned before closing the blade into the handle. He stuck it into his pocket. "Since this is his knife, do you think I can pin all this bulls*** on Kevin so I can live without a guilty conscious?"

"*Snort* we can testify in your defense lol i do solemnly vow," May replied as Lee wiped her sweaty hands on her shirt.

"We can save the court case for later, let's go grab Eddy's little friends so they can skip back home and make out with each other," Lee said as she stepped out of Eddy's way.

"I would say ladies first but I don't see any," Eddy said snidely before taking the lead up the stairs.

As the Kankers began to follow him up, Eddy couldn't help but feel melancholic about all this. His wasted effort at making a difference, finally proving that he was as worthless as everyone says he is. He didn't get to be the hero he wanted to be. Only the fool for people to point and laugh at. Still, the sting from this realization would be softened once he had his fellow fools Ed and Double D with him. That was the one thing that kept him going. If he was going to be a clown, he had the two best clowns in the world right beside him.

Eddy climbed to the top of the stairs and reached out toward the handle on the Kankers' bedroom door.

He grabbed it roughly and turned it.

The door swung open before him and he took a step into the room that was thick with hot, sweaty air.

His eyes locked onto the bed. His heart skipped a beat.

It was Ed and Edd tied to the bed. Their twitching bodies were clothed in bathrobes, their faces stuck in contorted visages of anguish.

Eddy's own expression mirrored their pain as he stared at the truth.

"Oh," Eddy said.

He yelped out in pain when I clubbed him on the back of the head. He spiraled down to our bedroom floor but managed to catch himself. He held one hand on his head like he was in so much pain and I could see him digging into our carpeting with his other. He flipped around to face us.

"Looks like you'll be staying for our game of Uno after all, huh Eddy?" I mocked as I held our mom's silver revolver aloft. Eddy's bottom lip began to tremble as my sisters and I loomed over him.

This was going to be a lot for him to take in.

"Aw, don't look so sad. Here, you can have my hand," my younger sister May taunted as she let some Uno cards fall limply from her fingers. They fluttered down around Eddy's feet and he just looked at them like a mindless machine as they nestled into the carpet at his feet.

"I don't think he's in the mood for a card game, girls. I think we'll have to find a different game to play," my older sister Lee sneered before slapping the bedroom door shut behind us and locking it tight. I heard her slide a chair in front of the door and tuck it under the doorknob.

Eddy stared up at us and weakly took our thinly veiled insults without protest. He looked choked up. I could see his throat undulating up and down. Looks like he couldn't find the courage to speak. He probably still thought this was a parody. We all told him it was a joke. I wanted him to laugh like we were right now but I didn't think I was going to get that out of him.

Especially not after what I was about to tell him.

"I can tell you're confused, Eddy. You remember our talk at the party about our little secret?" I began, Eddy snapping his attention to my face. His eyes studied me and I gave a demented smirk that I wanted him to see. "Me and my sisters were talking about our real little secret: you boys aren't the only ones playing around with people's lives in a notebook."

Without needing to be told, May reached over to our bedroom dresser and retrieved a small black book bound with a plastic spiral ring. She handed it over to me and we locked eyes for a moment, each of us grinning evilly at each other.

"Don't keep him waiting, Marie. I've been itching to get to this part for almost ten years," Lee ordered impatiently at me as she wrapped her arms over my body and peeked out from over my shoulder. Eddy continued to stare up at us and I couldn't tell how he was feeling. I don't think he knew how to feel at all right now.

"Allow me to present to you our book of solutions," I stated as I flipped the notebook's cover up to Eddy so he could read the title.

"Forfeit."

"I don't understand," Eddy admitted. I could tell he meant that about everything. He really didn't seem to understand any of it.

"It's a story about us. You. Ed. Double D. The other kids. Everyone," I replied before resting the bottom of my nose against the top of the book, wanting to tease him by hiding my pleased smile. "The thing is that it's a very sad story. One full of pain. Especially for me and my sisters. You too. That's why it was important to us that we shared it with you. It didn't turn out so well for the four of us."

Eddy slowly blinked.

"Why?"

"Why? Well some people want to see the characters they love suffer. To put them in a light you would never normally see them in. To find out what happens when the show goes off. To push them to their limits. They do it all to tell a good story. I can respect that," I answered before dropping the notebook from my hand and allowing it to fall flat on the carpet.

"..." Eddy remained silent.

"But we don't even care about all that. We just wanted to get our happy ending. Our second chance, so to speak. It took a lot of changes to the story to get that second chance at a happy ending. I was scared so many times that it wouldn't happen. There were events we couldn't change so we found ways to leave them in. Put them somewhere else instead of here. Things that would've ruined or interrupted this moment for us. Besides that, we couldn't change everything between you and us. We added a bit on top of it but couldn't change that. We enjoyed having fun with you, after all," I explained to our captive audience.

I glanced over at our two boyfriends tied to the bed to make sure they were listening closely as well. They weren't following any of this at all. I wasn't surprised, given what we had already done to them. I turned my eyes to Eddy again.

"..." Eddy stared, expecting more. I did have more to give him.

"The rest of the kids were mostly fair game. We had to remind four of them a few times to go through with the plan when they started feeling sorry for you. The only way to prevent that was to make them far angrier than they ever were the first time. Safe to say we won that battle. On the other hand, we made sure those other two kids wouldn't lift a finger to stop us," I went on as my sisters shuffled their feet. They were as eager as I was.

The silent pause in my speech was filled in by weeping from the bed. I didn't want that to stop me now.

"Now that it's all said and done, we can enjoy our happy ending at last. And when I say 'our', I mean me and my sisters. Frankly, we don't really care if you get a second chance to enjoy a happy ending too." My sisters and I giggled madly when I finished getting Eddy up to speed. I could tell Eddy wanted to laugh this off too but he couldn't find the humor in it like we could. He acted more like his two sniffling friends on the bed right now.

"Why?"

"Because we love you, Ed, and Double D. We have this other problem though - we love to abuse you. Love or abuse. If you look at our bed, you can see which one we chose."

"Why?"

"Why? Why? Why?" May mocked from her position of power next to me. "You're like a broken record! Who cares why? If you can't figure it out after almost a decade, it doesn't matter. All that matters is what we finally get to do with you next."

Eddy moved his hand down toward his pocket.

I pointed the gun down at him.

"That knife can't help you. Your friends can't help you. The cops can't help you. No one can. Not this time," I said to put any chance of resistance from him to rest.

His hand stopped and he rested it on the floor.

He was defeated at long last.

Eddy was ours now like Ed and Edd.

Fuck it felt so good.

I could hardly contain my pleasure with it all.

My heart thumped against the back of my ribs.

My sisters were growing ever more antsy beside me.

I could see May squeeze her hands into fists.

I could feel Lee's hot breath on my neck.

My thumb ran up the side of the revolver and rested on the hammer.

We were ready to have our fun with all three Eds at last.

"Here comes the other part I've been dying to get to," Lee let slip as I cocked back my weapon.

"Bad things are about to happen in this bedroom. We're going to enjoy every moment of them written on this page. We can live with them. If it helps you live with them, you can pretend this is all a bad joke. That way we can all four live in the end," I stated firmly.

"Okay," Eddy answered.

My sisters and I cackled in sick delight.

"Go on then. Tell us a joke," I said.

Ed and Edd stopped sobbing.

"But you already ruined the joke and punch line."

And they both started laughing.

We smiled at Eddy.

Eddy smiled at us.

"The End."

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Thank you, Eddy.

Obsessively yours,

Marie Kanker and her sisters

X-O-X-O-X-O