Spencer walked into the BAU office, heading straight for his desk as he did every morning he worked. The office was empty, which was odd considering the time. He looked at his watch and noticed it wasn't working. Battery must've died. Maybe he was here earlier than he thought. He glanced at the sun shining through the windows and furrowed his brow in confusion.
"You're late."
Spencer turned around to see Gideon staring at him from his old office doorway. He had to be seeing things. He rubbed his eyes and looked to see Gideon still watching him. He was going crazy. The explosion must've caused him to hallucinate.
"You aren't hallucinating," Gideon said.
Spencer's eyes shot to his old mentor.
"What's happening?" he mumbled as his heart raced with anxiety.
"Welcome to the before," Gideon stated as he gestured around the office with his hand.
Spencer looked around to see other people now working at their desks, but they weren't familiar faces. He had no idea who these people were. He looked back to Gideon with a furrowed brow.
"The before?"
"Your brain is suffering from intracranial hemorrhaging. Parts of your mind are shutting down. The before is where you wait to either go back or go forward."
Spencer felt sick as he digested that information. This place was weird, he wasn't present, yet he could still feel emotions.
"Why are you here?" he asked looking back at Gideon who hadn't moved from his spot in the doorway.
"Because you are still angry with me," he said calmly.
"And this is somehow going to fix that?" Spencer said in disbelief.
Gideon shrugged. "Only if you want it to. You'll learn that what happens in the before is what you decide, within reason of course."
"Wait, you said that I have to wait here to decide whether to go back or go forward, does that mean everyone has the choice to live or die?"
"Unfortunately, no. We all have different options waiting for us when we reach the before. Just depends on circumstances surrounding the reason you are here."
"So, why am I here?"
"That head injury was the excuse your mind needed to unload all of the burden you've been carrying for the past 34 years. There came a point in your life when you stopped talking about your problems and started packing them away in a mental closet. That closet has been opened and it needs to be dealt with."
"Ok, so how do I deal with it? What am I supposed to do?"
"Come with me," Gideon said as he walked off.
Spencer hurried after him. They walked down the hallway until they stopped in front of the janitorial closet. Gideon opened the door and walked through it. Spencer followed with a furrowed brow.
A bright light blinded him. He lifted his arm to block the light and just as quickly as it appeared, the light was gone. He put his arm down and found himself standing in the middle of Gideon's old cabin. It looked the same way it had been the day they found Gideon's body.
"Funny how all those years of being an agent, I let my guard down for one moment and it was my demise."
Spencer stared at the spot where Gideon's body had been laying with a sheet over it. He could still see it clear as if it was yesterday.
"Go ahead. Say it," Gideon said.
Spencer looked up with tears in his eyes. He could feel the memories and the emotions flooding back into his veins. His hands clenched tightly.
"You just left. You didn't warn me. You just disappeared and left me a stupid note. You knew what my dad had done to me and you did the same thing. How could you do that? How could you abandon me when you knew how much I needed you?"
"I was a selfish man. I let the death of Sarah get to me and pushed everyone away rather than deal with the pain."
"Did you ever really care about me?"
"Like a son," Gideon said with sadness.
"Like a son? You were never there for me when I needed you. Where were you when I was detoxing? Why was Emily the only one out of all of you that was there for me? She barely knew me, and she fought harder for me than you, Hotch, or Morgan. She saved me. I'm here because of her."
"It all goes back to the same answer. I was selfish. It was easier to pretend you could handle it on your own, then to admit I had failed you in the first place. Hotch and I both felt responsible for your kidnapping. We felt if we trained you better, it never would've happened."
Spencer rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest. Gideon stepped forward and placed his hand on Spencer's shoulder.
"I am sorry for the pain my behavior has caused you. If I was able to erase it, I would. I need you to know that despite my failings, I was always incredibly proud of you. You lived up to everything I expected and beyond. I may have left, but it wasn't because I didn't care about you. I left because I no longer cared about myself."
Spencer's lip trembled as he tried to hold back his tears.
"Why wasn't it enough for you that I cared about you?"
"As I said, I was selfish. I didn't feel worthy of your love and so I pushed you away. You can understand that feeling. You did the same with J.J. recently," he replied.
"You know about that?" Spencer said surprised.
"Do I get some credit for being the first to see that connection?" he said with a small smile. Despite himself, Spencer chuckled. "We are humans, Spencer. We make decisions that aren't always the best for ourselves or others. We can dwell on them forever, or we can choose to learn from it and move forward. Ultimately, we are the ones who decide what happens next and how things affect us."
Spencer looked down at his shoe that he shuffled back and forth against the wood flooring. He had done something similar to J.J. and she found it in her heart to forgive him. Maybe it was time that he forgave too. He looked up to see Gideon smiling at him. That rare smile that always made him feel like he conquered the world.
Spencer nodded his head a few times. "Ok."
"Ok," Gideon said, understanding him.
There was a knock on the front door. Spencer could see the silhouette of someone standing outside. He looked to Gideon who gave him a nod. Spencer reached out and wrapped his arms around Gideon, something he had only done once before.
"I love you," he whispered wetly.
"I love you too, Spencer," Gideon said. "Now, go."
Spencer nodded and let go of his mentor. He walked over to the door and turned the knob. His smile faded when he saw the man smiling back at him.
"Hey! Odd choice of visitors, but good to see you all the same, doc."
He couldn't find the words to speak. Staring back at him was a very happy looking George Foyet.
"Come on, quit dawdling," Foyet said walking off the porch.
Spencer looked behind himself to see an empty cabin. Gideon was gone. He looked forward and sighed before crossing over the threshold. Once again, his eyes were blinded by a flash of light and when it disappeared, he was walking into his living room.
Foyet was staring at Spencer's unconscious body lying on the floor of his apartment. Spencer remembered that he was reaching for his phone when he had fallen. He felt his stomach churn again as he looked at his own lifeless body.
"Eww, I hope they find you soon. You'll start to really stink if they don't. Not to mention your body fluids will definitely stain that carpet. Gross."
"Why are we here?" Spencer asked annoyed. "And more specifically why are you here?"
"You summoned me. I didn't ask to spend my day with you. As for, why we are here, that's something you need to answer, not me."
"You must represent the guilt I feel over the death of those officers," Spencer said.
"Yeah, can we talk about that for a second. How come I kill people and everyone's so sad, 'boo hoo, poor victims'. You kill people and everyone's 'boo hoo, poor Spencer'," Foyet asked as he picked up a book off Spencer's desk and looked at it.
"Because you killed intentionally. I never meant to hurt those men. I was trying to save lives," Spencer said angrily.
"You say that," Foyet began, his nose scrunched at the book he was reading. He rolled his eyes dramatically and threw the book over his shoulder. "But, if you really believed that, I wouldn't be here."
"I thought it was safe," Spencer insisted.
"Okey dokey, this house is very drab. That green looks like fungus. Did you ever think about painting it a lighter color? Maybe something that doesn't feel like you're walking into a commercial about depression?"
Spencer was about to snap at Foyet when he heard noises coming from the hallway.
"Oh, look at that. Sounds like you're going to be found," Foyet said before plopping down on the desk, his feet dangling over the side.
Spencer listened to the muffled sound of knocking and voices. After a moment, the door unlocked and swung open. He watched J.J. and Penelope cry out when they spotted him on the floor. Penelope made a call while J.J. dropped down next to his body.
"That the new girlfriend? She's hot. I'm impressed," Foyet said. "Shame I'm not alive. I'd love to play with her like I did with Hailey."
Spencer felt anger burn through him. He suddenly felt a searing pain. He dropped to his knees and threw his hands over his temples. He screamed in pain as his body on the floor began seizing.
"Uh oh, not looking so good for you, doc. You're having a seizure. Hope that ambulance gets here soon," Foyet stated.
"Why are you here?" Spencer shouted angrily. "What do you want from me?"
He writhed in pain as Foyet watched him curiously.
"I've already told you, you summoned me. I'm gone as soon as you figure it out."
Spencer held his head in his hands as he whimpered. It made thinking incredibly difficult. It slowly started to subside as his body stopped twitching nearby. He looked up at Foyet, panting as he tried to recover from the pain.
"You aren't just my guilt. You're my grief. You symbolize all the pain I've held in about the loss of victims, unsubs, and family."
"Smart, even with your brain slowly turning into pudding," Foyet said as he bit into an apple that seemed to come from nowhere.
The EMT's had now arrived and were loading his body on to the stretcher.
"And you need to know, it's not your fault."
Spencer turned to see Maeve standing behind him. She wore a beautiful white dress, her long brown hair pulled back in a ponytail.
"Maeve," he gasped wetly.
"Well, that's my cue. I'm not here to fix things, so do me a favor, doc? Don't call for me again," he said waving before following the EMT's out of the apartment.
Spencer looked back to Maeve and burst into tears. The biggest grief and guilt of all stood before him. He rushed forward and threw his arms around her.
"I'm so sorry," he sobbed.
"Oh, Spencer," she began.
"I was too slow. I wasn't smart enough. I didn't save you. I was right there, and I screwed it all up. I had it. I had her convinced and …"
"You have nothing to be sorry for," she said soothingly as she held him tightly. "You were so brave that day. I was so proud of you."
"What? How?" he cried as he pulled back to look at her.
"You seem to think that you are supposed to be able to save everyone. Spencer, if life was that easy, no one would die young. Some things are just written in stone, my love. No matter how hard we try to stop them."
"But why you? You were my world," he said as tears streamed down his cheeks.
"It was my time. I am just so grateful that I was able to love you for those last few months. I cherish those moments we had together," she said with a smile.
"Me too," he smiled through his tears.
"And now, you have J.J.," she grinned. He saw the true happiness for him shining through her beautiful eyes. "You found love again and not just any love, a real rare kind of love."
Spencer looked to the door where J.J. had recently been. She must be terrified right now.
"She's incredible," he sighed.
"I know what you're thinking," she said making him turn back to look at her. "There's plenty of room for both of us in there." She tapped his heart. "Don't you go getting in your head now and thinking you have to choose between us. We had our time and while it was brief, it was brilliant. Now, it's J.J.'s time."
"How do I get back to her? I'm stuck here and …" he trailed off a moment, afraid to voice his real feelings.
"You don't want to stay here," she said softly. "That being said, I can't make you choose to stay or go. I'm only here to help ease your guilt and grief. You have to be the one to decide what path you want to go down."
"If I stay, do I get to be with you?" he asked.
She shrugged. "I don't know your future."
There was a knock at his door. He glanced over his shoulder and then back to Maeve.
"'If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together. There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe. Stronger than you seem and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is even if we are apart -'"
"'I'll always be with you' A.A. Milne," Spencer sniffled.
"All you can do is your best. If you've given it all you have, no matter the outcome, you've done your job. It's ok to feel grief, it's not ok to embrace it."
"I miss you," he said as another knock sounded on the door.
"And I you," she said holding out her arms. "No go. It's time to find your way home. Wherever home is to you."
Spencer gave her a hug before walking to the door. Just as with Gideon by the time he reached the door, Maeve was gone. He sighed and reached for the knob turning it. He nearly collapsed when he saw the person waiting on the other side of the door.
(xxxxx)
A/N: hope you like this chapter. I had to add Foyet, because I actually think they make him humorous and I enjoy his little quips. Hopefully, you enjoyed his interaction in this. Thank you for reading! xoxo
