Never had Sarah's makeup felt as much like a mask as it did at the sushi restaurant. Red lights hung from the ceiling, but instead of feeling warm and inviting, they just seemed dull and the color of traffic lights. She sighed as she sat down, glancing over the menu. She was trying her best to forget her earlier thoughts, but the feelings still lingered.
She tried to put effort into the small talk with Alex, to push aside the things her mind seemed intent on ruminating about. She loved Alex, she did. She looked up at him, as he stared down at his menu searching for something that wasn't raw fish and grimacing. She smiled. This wasn't so bad, surely.
They ordered, and talked a little more, and the food arrived.
"Bet you're feeling pretty good about getting that first draft done." he sipped his drink.
"Yes! I can't wait to get back to touring. I loved that."
"Yeah, enjoy it while it lasts."
"What'd you mean?"
"Well, it's just not something you'll always be able to do, y'know? You can always find a little time to write, for example, but once you have kids you can't really go on cross-country tours anymore."
Sarah burst out laughing, but suddenly stopped when she saw the puzzled look on his face.
"Oh shit, you're serious." she put her hand over her mouth.
He exhaled loudly.
"Yeah, I was..."
"You want to have kids?" she prodded her spicy tuna roll with a single chopstick, suddenly nervous.
"I do! I mean, not right away, of course. We'd have to move somewhere bigger, and be more settled in general, but yeah - two girls and two boys." he was grinning, obviously pleased at sharing this life plan with the person he assumed would also be pleased at living it.
She didn't know how to tell him that she'd known since age eleven that she never wanted children. She liked kids well enough, but that was for babysitting and stuff, things where at the end of the day you handed the kid back to someone else and kicked back with some wine and a book. Sarah could compromise a lot in a relationship, but this was one of her true non-negotiables. She thought that was only fair, considering it wouldn't be up to her husband to put aside nine months of bodily turmoil per kid. Maybe he wouldn't mind skipping this little part of his vision for the future-
"It's like the one thing that's always been a constant in my life, no matter how much I changed what I wanted to be or where I lived - two girls, two boys." he nodded happily.
Damn it.
"I've never really pictured having children, honestly."
"Oh."
It was awkward. Luckily the waiter came back to refill their drinks.
"Do you think you might-" he began.
"No." it came out a little faster than she had meant, but she didn't want any false illusions on his part. She loved Alex, but her boundaries were her own, and she didn't think it fair to the hypothetical children either.
"Oh."
She cleared her throat.
"Since I have the week off, do you want to go see a movie tomorrow?" she offered.
"I actually have a meeting tomorrow."
She nodded. "That's ok. Maybe a little later this week."
"Yeah, maybe."
The taxi ride back to their apartment was pensive and the silence only broken by the hum of cars passing by outside and the low, constant drone of the radio in the front.
Once back inside, Sarah got dressed for bed. It was late. Alex, however, told her to go on ahead without him. He wanted to read a book for a while.
"You don't want to read it in bed?" she leaned against the doorframe, watching him deliberate over which book to pull from the shelf.
"Nah, the light will keep you from sleeping."
"I don't mind. Are you sure?"
He walked over, book in hand, and kissed her on the cheek before turning back to his chair.
"Goodnight Sarah."
"Goodnight." she withdrew and closed the door almost all the way shut.
The kiss felt just the same as always, but she could tell from how he refused to meet her eyes that he was hurt.
She lay on her back in the semidarkness, stating at the ceiling fan going around and around, listening to the gentle him of the electricity flowing through the walls.
She glanced at the clock. It was late. Or rather, it almost getting to the time where one could say it was early. Alex still avoided the call of sleep, staying firmly in the living area, presumably still reading. It must be difficult for him, too, she imagined. To find out your life long wish is incompatible with the person you want to share it with. For a fraction of a second, just as she was falling asleep, she considered going back on her vow to herself, considered what it would be like with two girls and two boys.
When she awoke in the morning, her resolve was firmer than ever. That would not be her path in life. She and Alex needed to talk.
But when she rolled over, Alex was not in bed. When she got up and roamed through each room, he wasn't in any of them. He hadn't even come to bed at all the past night.
