"Hey" Leroy greeted Shelby when she came up from the basement late on Saturday morning, "yoga?"
"Yeah" Shelby smiled, "is Rachel upstairs?" she asked, having gone to do some yoga in the basement while Rachel was at her dance class.
"She is" he nodded, "she asked if I'd ask you to go and see her when you were done. I don't know if she might want a hand with her makeup or her hair or whatever it is you women do when you're getting ready to go out."
"I'd better go and see what she wants then" Shelby laughed, thanking Leroy as he handed her a mug of coffee before heading upstairs, knocking gently on Rachel's half open bedroom door.
"Mom" Rachel grinned, "hey."
"Hi" Shelby smiled as she walked into the room, "your Dad said you wanted to see me."
Rachel nodded, "I just wanted to see you for a little while before I go out" she said honestly before looking up at Shelby, "would you, would you drop me off and pick me up?"
Shelby smiled, "I'll definitely drop you off" she nodded, "but depending on when you want to come home, I, I don't want to drive, especially not with you in the car, if I'm too tired, so if you're coming back really late one of your dads might have to pick you up, is that okay?"
Rachel nodded, she didn't want her Mom driving when she was too tired either, "Okay. Will you, will you help me do my hair?"
"Sure" Shelby took a sip of her coffee, "when do you need to leave? Have I got time to go get changed first?"
"Yeah" Rachel nodded, "we've got about an hour or so before I need to leave."
"Okay" Shelby took another sip of her coffee before placing the mug down on Rachel's dressing table, dropping a kiss to her daughter's damp hair before leaving the room. "So what are we doing?" Shelby asked when she came back a few minutes later dressed in jeans and an oversized sweater, standing behind Rachel and carefully combing her fingers through Rachel's hair before taking a sip from her coffee.
"I thought maybe a ponytail but with the ends curled?"
"Sounds good" Shelby reached for Rachel's comb and hairdryer so she could dry her hair before styling it. They made small talk about Rachel's friends and their plans for the rest of the day as Shelby curled her hair, and Shelby couldn't help but smile as she saw Rachel turning her head to try and get sight of the back of her hair in the mirror once she'd finished, "is it okay?" Shelby asked.
"Okay? It's great Mom, thank you!"
"You're welcome" Shelby smiled softly, watching as Rachel took out a small makeup bag, "do you want me to…" she gestured to the makeup.
Rachel's face lit up, "will you? Really?"
"Of course" Shelby set out Rachel's makeup on the vanity table, "give me a sec" she said, leaving the room, coming back a few minutes later with her own makeup bag, taking out a few items, chuckling quietly as she saw Rachel looking through her makeup. She worked in silence, concentrating on what she was doing as she applied Rachel's makeup, she knew her opinion was probably biased but Rachel had a natural beauty and Shelby did her best to enhance that, a little highlighter to show off her cheekbones, eyeshadow colours chosen to make her eyes pop, Rachel didn't need the heavy make up that Shelby wore on a daily basis, didn't really need makeup but she understood why she wanted to wear it. "All done" she said after applying a little lip gloss, allowing Rachel to turn and see herself in the mirror. "Is it… do you like it?" she asked nervously after Rachel spent a while staring silently at her reflection, "I can take it off if you don't …"
Shelby was cut off when Rachel flung herself at her Mom, wrapping her in a tight hug, "I love it Mom, I look amazing, thank you!"
"You looked amazing before" Shelby told her, "you're beautiful exactly as you are."
"You're my Mom" Rachel rolled her eyes, "you have to say that."
"I don't say things I don't mean" Shelby said sincerely before glancing at the time, "go get changed" she said softly, "if you're lucky, I might let you drive."
Rachel's eyes lit up and she hugged Shelby tightly, kissing her cheek and telling her, "you're the best Mom!" before taking her new clothes from the wardrobe and slipping into her bathroom to change.
As promised, Shelby let Rachel drive to Breadsticks, saying goodbye to Rachel in the car, not wanting to embarrass the girl in front of her friends, but she was surprised to find herself wrapped in a tight hug as she walked round the car to get into the driver's seat. She was quick to return the hug, kissing Rachel's temple, "have a good day" she told her once Rachel broke the hug, "and don't worry about me, I'll be fine okay?"
Rachel nodded l, "if you, if you're asleep when I get home, can I…"
Shelby could tell Rachel was nervous about the question she was asking and she put her index finger under the girl's chin to look her in the eye, "I've told you, you can come in any time you like. Now go enjoy yourself, I'll see you tonight."
Rachel hugged Shelby again, "I love you Mom."
"I love you too Rachel" Shelby smiled before getting into her car, giving Rachel one last wave before driving off.
Shelby tucked herself up in the armchair once she was back at the Berry's house, Leroy not at all surprised when he saw her tug the blanket from the back of the chair and wrap it around her body as she scrolled through her phone.
"You've been staring at your phone for almost half an hour" Leroy told her a while later, "is everything okay?" The two of them were alone in the living room, Hiram in the office working on some things he'd bought home from the office.
Shelby sighed, "I'm beginning to wonder if this is all too much, if this is all bigger than I think it is, I think…" she shook her head, "I know that the whole food thing is probably a bigger deal than I'm trying to make out it is and I…" she sighed again, unable to find the words, instead just handing her phone to Leroy.
Leroy wasn't sure what he was going to see, but he never expected to see the words, 'Private Residential Treatment Centre' staring up at him, the line underneath telling him that the centre was 'for women and adolescent girls with mood disorders, addictions and eating disorders.' "You think you need inpatient care?"
Shelby shrugged, "I don't know. Maybe. Probably. But then I think about last time and I know it was different then, that I was fighting against it because I didn't want to be there and that wouldn't be the case this time but I..." she shrugged, "I don't know."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Leroy asked, "about what happened last time?"
"No" Shelby whispered, her eyes filling with tears, "not really".
"Okay" Leroy didn't push it, "where is this place? he gestured to the phone.
"Just outside of Columbus."
Leroy nodded again, "if you honestly think this will benefit you, if you think that this is what you need to get you back on track, then Hiram and I will support you however we can."
"I sense a but coming."
"Have you mentioned it to your therapist? Your concerns about your appetite in particular?" he asked, "and thought about, either upping your therapy sessions, or perhaps seeing someone who specialises in eating disorders alongside your current therapist?"
"No, I...no."
"Maybe that might be worth a try before you commit to an inpatient program, especially if you're not completely sure about it."
"I don't know how I'd tell…" Shelby had no idea how to even begin to bring this up with her therapist.
"Would it help to write a few bullet points for things you want to ask your therapist?" Leroy suggested, "or Hiram or I could come in with you and bring this up on your behalf, it would be your choice whether we stayed after that or not."
Shelby sighed, letting her head fall into her hands, "I...I don't know" her head was swimming, she didn't know what to think, she just wanted a minute, wanted everything to stop for a moment, she just wanted a minute of peace, but she knew her brain wouldn't give her that.
"Is there anything I can do?" Leroy asked.
Shelby bit her lip, not sure whether to be honest or not but she couldn't find the energy to make up a lie, she knew she could tell Leroy there was nothing he could do, but instead, she found herself telling him, "I didn't eat breakfast" before she could stop herself.
"Oh Shelby" Leroy reached out to take hold of her hand, he knew she'd barely eaten anything at dinner the night before either, "did you eat anything at lunch yesterday?" Shelby's silence answered for her and he gently squeezed her hand, knowing that her breakfast the day before had been a banana, a yoghurt, two mugs of black coffee and a piece of nicotine gum. "Oh Shelby."
"I'm not doing it on purpose" she told him, "I just, I don't get hungry and I, if I force myself to eat something it feels like it just sits there, and I know it's not normal, it's not healthy but…" she shrugged.
"Would you like me to make you something?"
"I…" Shelby shrugged, "I know I should eat but I just, I…" she shrugged again.
"Would you like to try and eat something?" Leroy asked, "I'll make you something and you can eat as much or as little as you want."
"Okay" Shelby nodded, "I can't, I can't promise I'll eat a lot but I, I know I should at least try."
"That's all we ask." Leroy took a breath, "with regards to your eating in the long term…" he thought about what he was going to say as he sat on the edge of the coffee table still holding Shelby's hand, "this is just a suggestion, you can say no if you want to. But do you think it would help if Hiram and I… if we took some of that control? If we cooked for you and ate with you?"
"I don't know" Shelby whispered.
"Do you want to try it?" he asked, "we'll make you a plate, and sit with you until you've finished it. We can take as long as you need."
"I… I don't think I could manage a lot."
"Okay" Leroy was relieved that Shelby seemed willing to try, "we can start small, and right now, I think that anything you eat is a good thing" he and Hiram had both seen how little Shelby was eating, had noticed that she was starting to visibly lose weight, and he only hoped that her sitting down to eat with them would be the start of her beginning to regain 'normal' eating habits.
"I'll try" Shelby nodded, "I want to, I don't… I want to eat, I want to get better."
"I know" you do "Leroy squeezed her hand, "I…" he thought for a moment, debating whether or not to ask the question on his mind, "do you know how much you weigh Shelby?"
She shook her head, not making eye contact as she whispered, "I don't think I want to."
"It's completely your choice" Leroy told her, "but would you let me weigh you? You don't have to if you don't want to, and you don't have to look at the number if you let me weigh you."
Shelby bit her lip before giving a single nod, "I, I don't want to see it."
"Okay" Leroy helped Shelby to her feet. "let's get that done and then I'll make you a snack before dinner. He could feel Shelby shaking as she stood so he kept hold of her hand as he led her upstairs, into the ensuite off his own bedroom where they kept the scales, "I have to ask, and I'd ask anyone else in this situation, do you have anything in your pockets?"
Shelby took her phone from her pocket and placed it on the counter by the sink, "just that, but I can…" she gestured to her clothes.
Leroy shook his head, "I trust you" he told her as he set the scales in the floor and turned them on, "step on when you're ready" he told her, "you can either look at me or close your eyes, whatever you're most comfortable with." Shelby nodded and took a deep breath and focused on the ceiling as she slowly stepped onto the scales, closing her eyes when she heard them beep. "Okay" Leroy tried to hide his shock, Shelby weighed less than Rachel had at her last check up six months ago and Rachel had always been petite, had always fallen at the smaller end of the average range on her doctor's growth charts. "All done" he dropped a towel on the display of the scale so Shelby wouldn't see it.
"Is it bad?" Shelby whispered as Leroy held onto her hands as she stepped from the scale.
"It's not great" he said honestly, "but it's not terrible, "I can't give you exact numbers off the top of my head, but if we went by your BMI, which isn't always the most accurate way to decide if someone is a healthy weight or not, I'd say you'd definitely be underweight but I think it would probably take less than ten pounds to get you back to a healthy BMI, obviously it would be better for you to be closer to the middle of the 'healthy' range but that's okay, we can work our way towards that."
"If I give you a number" Shelby said softly as they headed downstairs, "can you tell me if it's higher or lower? I don't want to know the exact number but…"
Leroy nodded, "if that's what you want then I can do that, and if you ever change your mind and want to know your weight I'll tell you. You just have to ask"
Shelby nodded, "I don't, right now but… "
"What's the number?" Leroy asked.
"95" Shelby whispered.
"The number on the scale was higher than 95" Leroy told her as he cut up some fruit for her, hoping more than anything that the number Shelby had given him wasn't a previous weight, unless it was what she'd weighed as a child.
"Okay" Shelby nodded, "thank you." Silence fell between them as Leroy placed a small bowl of fruit in front of Shelby and sat beside her at the table, "I know you want to ask" she whispered as she stabbed at a piece of melon with her fork, "about the number I gave you."
"I do" Leroy agreed, "but I also know that you know I won't push you, if you want to tell me about it you can, if you don't then that's okay."
Shelby sighed, lifting the fork to her mouth and chewing slowly, "when you first came back from your trip" she poked at the fruit again, "in the store, I told you I'd had some issues with food in the past?" Leroy nodded, not wanting to interrupt, he stayed silent as Shelby ate a piece of pineapple, letting her talk to him in his own time. "It wasn't… I didn't just decide to stop eating but I, I wanted…" she sighed again before telling him, "I got down to 95 pounds before…"
"Before?" Leroy gently prompted.
"It was when I was in the hospital" she didn't lift her gaze from the bowl of fruit, "I didn't… it wasn't just food, I wasn't engaging with anything, I didn't eat, didn't take my meds, wouldn't go to therapy, I just wanted to stay in bed all day, I wanted them to let me go home so I could finish what I'd started." Leroy sighed quietly and put his hand on Shelby's back, knowing exactly what she meant, she wanted to go home and end her life, "I wasn't there voluntarily" Shelby continued with her story, not bothering to wipe away the single tear that rolled down her cheek, "so I didn't really get a choice, I hadn't really been eating properly since Rachel was born, I'd already lost weight before I was admitted, and when I got to 95 pounds, that's when I…" she shook her head, "I don't want to talk about what happened next."
"Okay" Leroy nodded, he didn't need Shelby to continue, he could imagine what the hospital's next step would have been to treat a severely underweight woman who was refusing to eat, "you don't have to tell me anything you're not comfortable with Shelby. Not just about this, but about anything. But I will tell you, your weight isn't that low yet, you're only a few pounds away from having a healthy BMI and Hiram and I, we'll work with you, work with your therapist, your doctor to get you back there" he gently stroked Shelby's back.
Shelby nodded, still pushing the fruit around the bowl. "thank you."
"You don't need to thank me" Leroy told her before asking, "do you think you can eat a little more?"
"Yeah" Shelby nodded, picking up another piece of melon, "I...yeah."
"We're going to help you Shelby" Leroy promised, "whatever it takes, Hiram and I, we're not going to let you fight it alone."
Shelby nodded and ate another piece of fruit. "I worry sometimes that this, that it's all too much for Rachel, that she's somehow going to pick up on my crazy."
"You're not crazy Shelby. And Rachel hasn't 'caught' Hiram's depression, she won't 'catch it from you. Rachel already has a therapist. And she was seeing her before she found out about your depression so you can't blame yourself for that, and she's open, if Rachel is struggling then she'll tell us, and we'll get her help just like we got Hiram help, just like we're getting you the help you need."
"It all feels so overwhelming sometimes" she admitted, "being able to be Rachel's Mom, having her here and I, I don't want to let her down Leroy, I really don't want to let her down."
"You won't" he told her, "you're a good Mom Shelby, I know it's difficult but you need to try and ignore your anxieties and try and listen to your instincts."
"I…"
"Rachel loves spending time with you, even if you're just watching a movie together in bed, you don't need to do anything to 'impress' her. You don't need to put yourself out, just keep loving her. That's all you need to do."
"I don't think I could stop loving her even if I tried."
"Then you'll be just fine Shelby. I'm sure of it."
