Hey guys, I hope you've all been doing well! This chapter is basically Alexei monologuing about his situation and is a bit filler-y so you can skip it if it doesn't interest you (I don't think you'd be missing out on anything critical if you do).
Gonna reply to reviews on the previous chapter, thanks so much to everyone who reviewed!
Guest: Honestly sounds about right :P Oh, how much his life has changed since the start of Falling for You.
Allison Claire: Thank you for your kind words, my exams went well! I'm happy to hear that you're enjoying my stories. I definitely try my best to stay true to the original plot while adding details that enhance Alexei's storyline. The Mikhail/Alexei scenes were some of my favourite ones to write and I really wanted to develop Mikhail and Alexei's relationship since Mikhail seemed to be a big part of Alexei's life. I was just as sad as you when Mikhail died in On the Run. Haha, I'm a bit of a grammar nut so I strive to ensure that my stories are well written and edited. Your grammar and spelling is quite good too!
Potato: I do have a few more surprise appearances from Tanner and Jordan planned for On the Run! Stay tuned ;)
Disclaimer: I do not own the Embassy Row series and all the characters (except for Tanner and Jordan and Alexei's Moscow friends (Roman, Eugene, Josef, and Yulia), who are my own creations). They belong to Ally Carter. I am merely using her characters and plotline to create this fanfiction. This fanfiction is purely for entertainment purposes and would not exist without Ally Carter's wonderful works.
The events that happen in this fanfiction are not meant to be representative of real life. Any similarities to any real-life events or fictional works is purely coincidental and not intentional (with the exception of the original Embassy Row books by Ally Carter since this fanfiction is literally See How They Run but from Alexei's, not Grace's, perspective). The character's actions may not always reflect my own opinions or views.
Trigger warning: mild to moderate
This fanfiction is rated T, for suggestive themes, language, and violence. This chapter contains mildly suicidal thoughts and mentions of death, mental health, sexual assault, and abuse. Read at your own discretion. If you are experiencing thoughts of harming yourself or suicide, please reach out to a loved one, a mental health professional, or a suicide hotline.
Chapter Eighteen: Musings of a Russian Fugitive
I stared after Grace as she climbed out of the narrow cave entrance. Now that she had left, I would be on my own for the rest of the night. I took a deep breath, noting the peace and quiet. Up here, away from the hustle and bustle of Valancia, all I could hear was the sounds of the waves. It was hard to believe that mobs currently crowded the streets, as it seemed like I was a million miles away from them. I listened to my own breathing, which almost seemed too loud amidst the serene silence. If I didn't feel like I constantly had to watch my back, then I would have enjoyed the quiet. Now, it felt like law enforcement was sitting in the shadows and watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to arrest me. I couldn't shake that unsettling feeling, no matter how hard I tried. I only hoped I wouldn't have to live with that feeling for the rest of my life.
I looked around at the assortment of survival gear strewn about the cave floor. I started reorganizing all of it into neat piles, in an attempt to calm my nerves. Besides, if I was going to be here indefinitely, it wouldn't hurt to make myself comfortable.
I arranged the portable stove and other food-making contraptions at one end of the cave. I laid out a couple protein bars and water bottles for easy access, leaving the rest in a backpack I had designated as my emergency bag. If I had to leave this place at a moment's notice, I'd just have to take the bag with me and run.
I laid out the sleeping bag and a couple changes of clothes at the opposite end of the cave. I placed my emergency bag at the head of the sleeping bag, to use as a pillow. Plus, it'd be easily accessible if I had to leave in the middle of the night.
I left the center of the cave open, so I could make a fire if needed. I doubted that'd be necessary though, given how warm it was at this time of year. I wasn't sure if Noah had smuggled out a fire-starting kit, among with the horde of items he had stolen from his father's stash of camping gear. Surely, there'd be a set of matches in there somewhere. Hopefully, I could collect firewood close by.
As a final touch, I placed one battery-powered lantern, courtesy of Noah, in each of the four corners of the cave. I experimentally turned on the lantern by the head of the sleeping bag. It emitted a warm, yellow glow. It wasn't a stretch to imagine the sunset cottage vibe that would result from turning on all the lanterns. I wouldn't dare to do that though, as it would unnecessarily drain their batteries, a stupid move. I was just going to keep the one lantern on. That was all I'd be needing, just one light as a reminder of the next day waiting for me.
After rearranging everything nicely, I sat down on the sleeping bag, taking in my surroundings. To my surprise, the cave now looked somewhat homey. And that was all thanks to my friends for bringing me items that I'd need to live here, at least temporarily. I honestly wasn't sure how I could repay them. After all, they were, quite literally, breaking the law by aiding a fugitive. I wasn't even super close with Megan, Noah, and Rosie, not in the way I was with Tanner, Jordan, and Jamie. Yet, they risked everything, including their lives, to help me survive.
I wondered if Tanner and Jordan were willing to do that. Did bros for life extend to aiding a fugitive bro who was framed for a crime he didn't commit? It was hard to say. Knowing Tanner, he'd likely freak out over my fugitive status. I figured I was better off in the hands of Grace, Megan, Noah, and Rosie, who managed to get me settled in this cave within the span of an afternoon. I doubted Tanner and Jordan would have been able to pull off something like that.
Even though I was faring pretty well now, none of this would have happened if I hadn't been so careless at that party. Maybe my father was right; maybe I did act based off my emotions. After all, I hadn't given any second thought to punching Spence. I just went for it and before I knew it, we had started a fight. In that moment, I hadn't thought about whether I was doing the logical thing or not. All I knew was that I had to do the right thing. And in that moment, that was hurting Spence and making sure he got the appropriate punishment for hurting Grace. I just hadn't expected it to go so far. However, I would gladly take all those hits again for Grace. I knew I would do anything to protect her and keep her safe. I would even be willing to jump off a bridge for her, if it meant that she would be okay. I guessed Tanner and Jordan were right; maybe I had fallen for Grace, and hard. I couldn't recall feeling so strongly about a girl before, not even Lila or Yulia.
So maybe starting a fight with Spence was slightly foolish. Looking back, I still thought it was the right thing to do, even though it definitely wasn't the logical thing. In my eyes, Spence had no right to kiss Grace without her permission, an act that was practically sexual assault. Did he not have any idea how to treat women? Yes, it was just a kiss, but Grace clearly didn't have any say in it, making it non-consensual. I might not have been the best at thinking rationally, according to my father, but at least I knew how to treat women. I hoped that Spence had enough decency to not harm Grace any further. Yet, for all I knew, they could have had some nice forest sex and I wouldn't have been any the wiser.
As far as I was concerned, Grace had more or less been physically safe on the island, aside from the kiss. She was strong and resilient, at least on the outside. It was the demons inside her head, more than I could possibly imagine, that caused the real harm. I believed no one knew the full extent of what she was dealing with, not even Jamie. I had likely only scratched the surface. And as hard as I tried, I couldn't protect Grace from her demons, not until she decided to let me in. Even though I wanted to be the one to destroy anything that would dare to harm her, I had a feeling that Grace's battles with her demons were something she had to tackle alone. The most I could do now was promise to stay by her side and be there if she ever needed me. At the moment, I wasn't doing a great job at that and it made me feel guilty. Even though it wasn't always at the forefront of my mind, I still hadn't forgotten the promise I had made to Jamie at the start of the summer. It was my duty to keep an eye on Grace and make sure she stayed out of trouble. Now, with my wanted status, the roles had been reversed. I was pretty sure Jamie wouldn't be too thrilled about that. I was supposed to be the protector, not the protected.
Either way, I would be whatever Grace needed me to be, whether it was a shoulder to cry on or a partner in crime. Hadn't I already proved that to her, that night on the wall? I would gladly listen to her ramble about everything and nothing again, to hear the way she talked so passionately. I would be devastated if she ever lost that passion or fighting spirit. It was part of what made her so head-strong. I couldn't imagine Grace as a numb, empty shell of herself, without her fighting spirit. That Grace would be a zombie to me, a far cry from the vibrant being she usually was. Yet, was that zombie the person she had been the week I was in Moscow? Megan had updated me every day, saying that Grace had refused to see anyone and that when they did finally see her, she had not been herself. I cursed my luck, for not having been able to be with Grace when she undoubtedly needed me the most. If I had been there for her, would she not have retreated into that shell? Would she have recovered faster? There was no way of knowing though. Besides, Grace seemed fine now and I had to hope that the demons weren't taking her over, like they had last week. I had to focus on the present and my current situation.
Glancing up through the hole at the top of the cave, I noted that the sky had visibly darkened. It was probably a good idea to get some sleep, before it got too late. But even though my body was physically exhausted, my mind was still spinning in overdrive. There was no way I'd be able to fall asleep, at least not for a while. Nonetheless, I forced myself to climb into the sleeping bag, hoping the act of crawling under the covers would tell my mind it was time to sleep. I turned off the lantern, extinguishing the warm glow that had permeated the cave. Now, I was bathed in darkness, like the darkness my mind was threatening to fall into, as it refused to shut up. I couldn't stop replaying everything that had happened over the last few days. The fight with Spence at the party. Me and Spence, alone in the ruins. Spence's body washing ashore, tangled in the weeds. Jamie's anguished screams upon finding out his friend had died. And the car. Oh, that black car, bursting into a terrifying display of fire and smoke, taking the last remnants of my childhood with it. It still didn't seem real that Mikhail was gone. I was half-expecting him to show up any moment, to tell me that everything would be okay and that he would help me out of this mess. But I would never see Mikhail again.
If I had been in that car with Mikhail, I very well would have died too. Would death have been a better fate than hiding out as a fugitive? As it was, my future was looking pretty bleak and uncertain. All I had ahead of me were days spent hiding out in these hills, hoping my past wouldn't catch up with me. There wasn't a whole lot I could do up here, not unless I wanted to make my presence known and risk facing arrest. Then again, death was just as uncertain. I wasn't sure what happened after death. Would my soul be transported onto the afterlife, whatever that was, or would it stay trapped on Earth, thanks to all the unfinished business I had here? Neither option particularly thrilled me. However, death came with the release of pain. If I died, I would be free of all the suffering I was going through now. Yet, my death would only cause my suffering and pain to be passed onto those remaining here. Lila, Tanner, and Jordan would be absolutely devastated if I died. So would Noah, Megan, Rosie, and my Moscow friends. My relationship with the Blakely siblings was complicated right now but deep down, I knew they would be crushed if I died. My teachers would be upset upon hearing about my passing and so would everyone I knew as an acquaintance, like ambassadors, classmates, and friends' parents.
As ridiculous as it sounded, my father wouldn't care if I had died. He would likely treat me as another nameless, faceless victim he had sniped and move on with his life. My father would have less headaches to deal with if I was out of the picture forever. He wouldn't have to worry about me tainting his prestigious reputation as the ambassador or interfering with his attempts to establish diplomatic relations with whoever he pleased. My father was likely quite relieved that I was gone. If anything, he'd miss having someone he could easily beat up and take his anger out on. After all, my father couldn't beat up any of the lower-ranking embassy staff, not without the risk of criminal charges. I was his personal punching bag, having borne the brunt of his anger over the years.
I rolled over, my back hitting a small rock. I cursed, rubbing my back in pain. This whole 'living it rough' thing was not working out well so far. I had definitely been spoiled by my luxurious embassy life. So much for proving I was super tough. At least no one was here to see me struggle. If my friends were here, they would have a lot to say. I could easily imagine Tanner and Jordan making fun of me, saying that I wasn't a big, bad Russian after all. The thought was almost enough to make me smile.
I crawled out of my sleeping bag, clearing the area of any rocks and sticks that could disturb my sleep. After laying my sleeping bag down flat again, I crawled back in. I stared up through the little hole in the ceiling of the cave, taking in the dark night sky and the shining stars. From my room in the Russian embassy, I didn't have a great view of the sky, especially with the light pollution. Out here, away from the hustle and bustle of the city, the stars dominated the night sky. It was quite calming to look at. As I stared up at the sky, I felt myself physically calming down, my breaths coming slowly and evenly. Even though my life was currently on the line and my future was bleak and unknown, I almost felt safe up here. Sure, I would be found eventually if I stayed here indefinitely. But for the time being, no one would find me. I had to hold onto that reassurance, that tiny sliver of hope. Grace, Noah, Megan, and Rosie would take care of me. I had to trust that they would get this under control and find a way to prove that I was innocent. Otherwise, I'd be a wanted man for life.
That certainly wasn't how I had imagined my summer to turn out. An internationally-acclaimed criminal at the ripe old age of seventeen. For a second, I almost laughed at how absurd that was. Going from a star student and model embassy kid to a delinquent criminal and murderer overnight. I could kiss my dreams of getting a job in a research lab goodbye. With a criminal record, I wouldn't stand a chance. I wondered which careers were accepting of criminals. I came up empty-handed, hoping I hadn't permanently wrecked my future. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life hiding out. That seemed like a very bleak existence to me. Prison didn't seem like a much better option either. I had no idea how long of a sentence I would have to serve if I was convicted of killing Spence but I imagined it wouldn't be a light one. Would I be placed with the most dangerous criminals, those who ran complex drug rings and underground crime networks? If so, I wouldn't last very long. My chances of getting out on bail were pretty slim too. My bail wasn't going to be cheap and I doubted there would be an embassy willing to cough up that money. My father surely wouldn't offer up the money to bail me out. Even with their combined efforts, I doubted my friends would be able to gather up enough money to bail me out. Factoring in my Moscow friends, I might have stood a chance if Josef could convince his father to donate enough money. But that seemed highly unlikely.
I was probably the last person anyone would expect to be a criminal. Surely, my face had to be all over international news by now. Would my teachers believe I could have done such a thing? I thought about Mr. White at the research lab and how he had mentioned my chemistry teacher, Mr. Rutherford, saying all these good things about me. Would he still be saying those things, now that I was a wanted man?
What about my mother? Where would she be in the world right now, if she was still alive? I tried to imagine her roaming the busy streets of Moscow or sitting at a swanky café in Paris or running a quiet, beachside resort in Mexico. Would she see my name and my face on international news and think about her only son, the son she had abandoned all those years ago? Would she regret her decision to run away, thinking that she could have prevented my criminal acts if she had stayed in my life? Or would she merely glance at the TV screen and shrug with indifference?
It was hard for me to believe that anyone could take one look at my face on the TV screen and instantly believe I was a criminal. In a way, it was so unfair. They barely knew anything about me. They didn't know about my accomplishments, my friends, my past. All they knew was that I had been at a party and shouted something that later came true. Would they be quick to judge, based on that one sentence alone? Or would they be skeptical, thinking there was no way someone like me could be a murderer? However, human nature was so complex. Everyone had the potential to be a criminal, to act on those primal instincts and take out a fellow human being. As much those instincts could be ignored, they would always be there, as a stark reminder of the animals that humans had evolved from.
With that in mind, anyone could have murdered Spence. Even though I knew I was innocent, there was no way I could have proven that. If I had gone to the press conference for a thorough probing, revealing every little detail about myself, would my innocence have been proven, leaving me as a free man? However, I wondered if the press conference had merely been a setup, considering the car that was supposed to take me there had conveniently exploded. Maybe the press conference had just been a dead end all along.
Still, going to the press conference would have been the honourable thing to do, to reveal that I had nothing to hide. It was my duty to my country, to show that I was innocent and to prevent further tainting of Russia's reputation. My loyalties were still with Russia, as it was a key part of my identity. I was not going to give that up so easily. Despite all the years I had lived in Adria, I would always be Russian to the core. I would still put my faith in the Russian embassy, even though they were most likely behind the explosion of the car. After all, I had nowhere else to go, not if I wanted to be a man without a country. I very well couldn't give up my ethnicity just like that.
I could always start over. Escape Adria and move to a faraway country. Take on a new name, a new identity. Build a fake past. If Spence's true murderer was never found, then that was always a possible solution. Yet, I didn't know if I wanted to spend the rest of my life on the run, having to live a web of lies and constantly watch my back, in case my past ever caught up with me. It sounded exhausting, to say the least. I was already worn out from today and it had only been one day. I couldn't imagine being on the run for the rest of my life.
Besides, that meant I wouldn't be able to see anyone from my current life ever again. I would be fine with not seeing my father. He probably didn't even care if I was dead or alive. I would be fine with not seeing my mother either. I had already lived ten years without her and could handle another ten years without her just fine. That hole in my heart she had created by leaving me had long since iced over. Mikhail was dead so it wasn't like I could see him again, even if I wanted to. I was going to miss him dearly. There wasn't anyone who could possibly replace him in my life. I was also going to miss all my friends if I had to go on the run and couldn't ever see them again.
Tanner and Jordan. My two closest friends, my ride-or-die bros. I was so grateful for their friendship and had gotten super close to them, especially over the last few years. It would be hard living without them. Although I would never admit it to them, their crazy antics kept me on my toes in an otherwise quiet life. If I ever got married one day, they would, without a doubt, be my groomsmen. I would miss them greatly if I never got to see them again, as un-manly as it sounded.
Jamie. I had learned a lot from him over the years. Although we hadn't been very close lately, I knew he still cared about me and would come through for me if need be. We had been friends for as long as I could remember and I couldn't imagine losing that friendship, even now.
Roman, Eugene, and Josef. I would miss them too and all the crazy adventures we had. Last week, I had been living the good life with them, making the most of the late nights and our endless, teenage energy. Now, I was reminiscing about all those memories, as I felt like I didn't get to spend enough time with them. Besides, I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to go to Moscow and see them again.
Noah, Megan, and Rosie. At the start of the summer, I hadn't known them very well. But now, I considered them friends, and perhaps more. They were so selfless, aiding me without hesitation. I hadn't truly taken the time to appreciate them and everything they had done for me. If necessary, I knew they would do this all over again, and more, for me.
Yulia. The girl who had caught my attention almost immediately in Moscow. Would she look at the international news reports and believe that I was a murderer? I had treated her well the entire time I was in Moscow; she told me as much herself. Would she ever want to speak to me again, now that I was a wanted criminal? Would she regret wanting to have a casual, summer fling with me? I still felt bad for the way I had led her on, when Grace was still on the back of my mind. Would she ever forgive me for that, especially with my current wanted status?
Lila. In many ways, she was my first love. The first girl I had kissed that wasn't in a truth or dare or spin the bottle game. We had an interesting relationship. Not really friends, but not really lovers either. I wasn't sure what she'd think of me now. The news reports wouldn't sway her as easily as it would other people, I knew that much. She knew me well enough to make her own judgements. I just hoped that the allegations against me wouldn't destroy what we had and everything that we had shared.
Grace. She was my drug and my poison, filling every fiber of my being. She had been there for me through every step of this mess. She told me that she believed me and didn't think I had murdered Spence. But would her grandfather and Ms. Chancellor try to persuade her otherwise? No, she was too head-strong to be easily swayed by their opinions. I had to put my faith in that. Because if Grace didn't believe in me and my innocence, I would probably start to question myself. Maybe I would go crazy, like she had. However, I told myself that I wouldn't lose my mind. Grace had supported me from the start and would continue to stay by my side. She wouldn't give up on me that easily. I had to trust that she would believe in me, just like I had believed in her about her Scarred Man business.
I forced myself to stop thinking negative thoughts and to focus on happy thoughts, joyful memories that would help me fall asleep. I thought about my friends and all the good times I had with them, bringing a smile to my face. It didn't take long for those happy memories to calm me down, as my mind started cycling through them, like a film strip on repeat. At long last, I finally drifted off, as I held onto what were potentially the last happy moments of my life.
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Next chapter will be up between Apr. 4 and Apr. 14 (though I'm hoping to get it up sooner rather than later because it seems like an easy edit). Any guesses as to which characters will be making an appearance next chapter?
I'm sure everyone is aware of the global COVID-19 pandemic. As a result of that, all my lectures and tutorials have been moved online and my exams and clinical skills sessions have been postponed until it's safe to return to campus. Despite this, I'm aiming to stick to my current upload plan, with new chapters every 2-3 weeks. However, that may change depending on how the pandemic turns out.
Because this pandemic is still ongoing and won't die down soon unless global action is taken, I encourage everyone to practice proper hygiene (coughing and sneezing into your elbow, washing your hands frequently with soap and water for at least 20 seconds) and physical distancing (only going out for the essentials, like groceries, outdoor exercise, or your pet's needs). I'm hoping to get a more detailed post up on Instagram soon. For the next little while, I'd strongly encourage everyone to do their part and stay informed in this battle against COVID-19. Stay safe and stay home; I'll see you all in a couple weeks!
