Not Afraid of a Story

The palest first rays of the morning light were barely discernible in the horizon when Sarevok returned from the mountainside. He walked into the ryokan, the public room now dark and deserted, and advanced to the room he knew Mei was sleeping in. His stomach fluttered in a way he remembered, faintly, from his first life. Before the time the fire of Bhaal consumed his body and spirit. Before he was a grown man in his full glory. He smiled bitter-sweetly, amazed that a man like him could still feel like that.

He knocked on the door and drew a deep breath.

Very quickly, without a sound, Mei came to open the door. Sarevok had not seen her that disheveled yet, but that didn't make her look the least bit less lovely. Her hair cascaded down her shoulder now, and she wore no makeup at all. The ethereal golden colour of her skin was even more pronounced now, and her eyes even larger in the middle of the small, heart-shaped face.

She didn't look angry, or sad. In fact, she didn't look like anything. She just looked at him. Deep in the eye.

- "Yurushite kuremasu ka," Sarevok whispered.

Mei smiled just a little.

- "I didn't know you speak Kozakuran," she said.

- "I don't. Just a few phrases. Winski taught that one to me," Sarevok answered. "Mei, I am sorry."

- "...hai," Mei said, her eyes still intent on Sarevok. "Anata o shinjimasu. I believe you."

She turned her back and walked a few steps, then looked over her shoulder, smiling an oblique smile.

- "Come, Sarevok," she said, and walked toward the futon, sitting on the edge.

She is so beautiful... Sarevok followed like a lamb about to be slaughtered.

They were quiet for a while. Sarevok liked that. He could not stand women who had to chatter all the time.

- "Otokomae..." Mei muttered, "otokomae.. you touch my heart, rishi, and nothing is like it used to be. You make me forget the words of the common tongue... you make my soul thirsty, so that I find no peace. Shimatta! Why do people sing of love as if it is something to hope for, something making you happy? It is pain, it is not knowing your heart any more!"

- "Mei... you touch my heart too. I lied to you, I confess that. But loving me was the death of Tamoko. The death."

- "Better honorable death than dishonorable life," Mei said. "When I met her in Yume-do, she carried her family colors still. Had she died without honor, she would not have done that."

- "Be that as it may," Sarevok said gravely, "it is my fault. Misery and pain is in my wake, and follows anyone who ever loved me. I would not want that on you, even if I was worthy of loving anew myself."

- "That is not true," Mei said. "Misery and pain is not in your wake - it is inside of you, for you do not let it go. Your family - I am sure loving you has brought them light as well as darkness."

Sarevok said nothing and hid his face in his hands. Some seconds went by. Mei didn't push him. Just sat there, quiet, comforting.

- "Sarevok," Mei said in an even, neutral tone.

- "Yes, spirit lady?"

- "I must know what came to pass between you and Tamoko."

- "Are you sure that you want to hear this, Mei? It is not a pretty story, and you may despise me after hearing it," Sarevok said in a very serious tone, taking her delicate hands into his own huge ones.

- "I have killed many a man. I have seen an innocent young boy disembowel himself because of me. I have spied on madmen who plan to destroy our entire world. I am not afraid of hearing a story that is not pretty," Mei said, her eyes demanding.

- "Very well. In faraway West where I come from, was once upon a time a god of murder. Bhaal was his name, and murder was his essence."

- "Interesting. We have no kami of murder. The essence of murder, or a small portion of it, recides in the kami of any being that would fight for its survival. In me, too."

- "Then, I hope, you can, even a little bit, understand what I am about to tell you. For the god was killed, but foresaw his demise..."

So Sarevok started his tale. Mei didn't for once avert her eyes, nor show by any shift of expression what she thought about it. The sun climbed higher up the skyline, and Mei's hair glinted in the light. So beautiful...

Sarevok finished. He didn't remember feeling this vulnerable in a long time. He didn't avert his eyes.

- "Light and darkness. There are both in everyone. But not many have embraced them as deeply as you," Mei said. "You needed to see Jigoku... Abyss, you call it... to live the core of evil, to know the nobility your heart bears now."

- "Does this not frighten you? Or Tamoko's fate?"

Mei shook her head.

- "I am part a spirit, Sarevok. I know about things beyond Ningen-do. And death - it is not the end. Fearing death is not living in the first place."

- "Sarevok, stay," Mei said, grasping his hand. "Stay for the few hours we have before we meet the others."

Sarevok was torn. She was alive. She was there. She saw him for what he was. But... Tamoko! He backed off.

- "I do not beg," Mei said.

- "I... do not want you to... it is just that... I can't! Gomen..." With that Sarevok ran away.

Mei held her head. It was spinning. Now she could cry a little. She cried for herself, for poor Tamoko, for the child Sarevok had been, for the confused man, for his troubled family.

- "Sayonara, saiai," she whispered. "Aishiteru, wagakokoro, wagareikon."


Otokomae - handsome, noble

Shimatta! - Damn it!

Gomen - I'm sorry

Sayonara, saiai - Goodbye, beloved

Aishiteru, wagakokoro, wagareikon - I love you, my heart, my soul