"I'm sorry, Rey."
She looked at her fingers - her nails had left visible marks on her skin and one finger was already bleeding.
"Why?" her voice trembled. She was not sure if she was feeling humiliated, disappointed, broken-hearted or simply not mature enough to accept rejection. After all, he had been nice enough to invite her in his house without asking for anything in return. Maybe he was just feeling pity for her and she had been misreading his kindness. After all, it wasn't the first time he was rejecting her. And whereas the first time, he had a clear motive, now there was no reason other than the fact that he was just not interested. She had rejected a couple of boys herself, mostly because they were strangers and she was not feeling exactly safe going on a date with a stranger, but also because Maz had raised her to discourage any such unwanted proposals. However, she still had hoped that Ben shared her interest. After all, those kisses they had been sharing…
"Oh my," she scratched the back of her neck with her eyes closed in embarrassment. "You already have a girlfriend, don't you?"
It was the moment of truth. Ben would admit that he had had a girlfriend, one from college or work, much older than her, taller and with bigger boobs. One whom he never rejected and to whom he made love regularly. Their fling had been only a silly game, only an older guy feeling pity for a stupid girl. He perhaps had intended to take advantage of her at some point, but she was just too ridiculous and childish for him to carry on with his initial plan.
"Nah, I'm solo."
Rey opened her eyes and looked at him confused as his face was slowly changing from serious to amused before he finally burst out laughing. Still torn apart by his rejection, she hesitated before she smiled and chuckled for a bit.
"Sorry. Bad pun."
He cleared his throat and sat on the bed, then took Rey's hand and pulled her closer. The height difference was usually so big that it was weird for her to be slightly taller than him now that he was sitting down. She licked her lips, watching Ben's eyes follow every gesture she made.
"So… is there any reason why you don't want to be intimate with me?"
"Aren't we already intimate enough?" he spoke softly.
He was right. He had been pulling her closer and closer that now his knees were between her legs, making her feel rather strange. Pleasant and exciting, but still strange. Not to mention that their naked bodies were mostly separated only by her towel and a little bit by his.
Rey inhaled, gathering all the courage inside her, and slowly sat herself on his lap, putting her arms around his neck.
"I don't know. Are we?"
She was not sure how seductive or at least serious she could look with her cheeks burning and her bottom lip trembling. But Ben seemed to be convinced enough as he got closer and kissed her. And it was not one of those innocent kisses, but the passionate type that left her breathless and her knees weak like jelly.
"Ben," she whispered his name as his lips were now kissing her neck. She was enjoying the butterflies in her stomach and the tickling sensation between her legs when Ben suddenly threw her on the bed. She looked at him with huge eyes as he seemed to devour her with his gaze. Her fingers wiped a bubble of saliva off his bottom lip, while his left hand was gently caressing her thigh, making the warmth between her legs overwhelming. She took the love and passion in his eyes as a success of her clumsy attempts to seducing him, so the normal thing to do next was to unwrap the towel. If only Ben's hand hadn't stopped her from doing so.
"You need to know something," he spoke quietly, yet very clear.
"What?" she purred choosing to believe than anything he would tell her, was not going to break her heart again.
"I've never done this before."
Rey blinked confused at his slightly embarrassed face.
"What? Sleep with a girl in a shitty motel?" she giggled trying not to remember Maz scolding her for her occasional foul language.
"Mmmno. Sleep with a girl for the first time."
Rey rolled her eyes at his chivalry, though it was rather cheesy and old-fashioned.
"Well… it's not exactly the most romantic context, but I trust you and I want this. You needn't worry about me."
But Ben insisted on rejecting her.
"At all! In general!" he raised his voice exasperated.
Rey's mouth formed an 'o'. The words had been assimilated by her brain, but not processed. She furrowed and got up on her elbows.
"You… I mean… you're…"
He nodded with his cheeks red and his ears even redder. Rey blinked even more confused than the first time.
"Aren't you like… I don't know… ten years older than me?"
"Yeah, that's not relevant," he chuckled trying to appear less ashamed by his 'purity'.
"But you've been to college. You had friends there and went to parties."
"Yes, I did, but I-I've never felt comfortable with any of those girls. We would kiss and then I would become too self-conscious to even move. So except for a girl who… like… gave me a... But the idea is that I've never actually had sex."
Rey said nothing.
"So I just wanted you to know that there's nothing wrong with you. I like you very much, obviously, but I am not very comfortable right now."
Rey put her hand on his face, gently caressing his cheek.
"I don't know what that girl gave you, but if you want me to-"
"Oh, God! No!" he laughed nervously.
They looked at each other for a while, not sure what to do or say at that point. Ben pursed his lips and got out of the bed to turn off the lights, then returned by Rey's side. With the street lights so close to their bedroom windows, it was rather half-light in the room, which meant that they could still see each other, though not exactly clear. When the mattress moved under his weight, Rey closed her eyes and held her breath. A strange pressure in her chest brought tears in her eyes, but at least staring at the ceiling fan was distracting enough to make her not notice the clock ticking as time passed by.
"Ben?" she whispered much later. She had been lying in the same position the entire evening and, by the cadence of Ben's breath, she could guess that he was not sleeping either and not because it wasn't that late after all, nor because he was not truly tired.
"Hm?"
She parted her lips, but then closed her mouth immediately, trying to decide which question to ask first.
"Why did you ask me to move in with you?"
It was his turn to ponder an answer.
"I don't know. It felt like the right thing to do."
That was not exactly in any way romantic and Rey had to bit her lip to keep the sob inside her chest.
"I just couldn't imagine you suffering or leaving and never seeing you again."
She closed her eyes, tears streaming from the corners of her eyes, wetting the pillow.
"Please don't get me wrong, Rey. I don't want anything from you."
Great. As if he hadn't been clear enough just before.
"I don't expect you to do anything about this and I promise you are safe in my house, but I need you to know this. If in any way it bothers you, please forget I said it in the first place."
"What?" she exhaled not sure of how long she could keep all that frustration inside.
"At first, I found you nice and everything, but my feelings have changed. Our small talks during my breaks and the kiss we shared that night…" He got up to look at her. He was so big that he seemed more like a shadow ready to swallow her up. "I think I see you as more than a friend."
Rey furrowed. She was probably going insane from all those changes in her life and the stress.
"What did you say?" she uttered feeling her entire body numb and cold.
"God," he sighed. "I know I'm making a fool out of myself, but the truth is… I love you, Rey. I love you the most I could ever love anyone and I don't know why, but I don't even care, to be honest."
He chewed on his bottom lip, glad that they could not completely see each other's faces and just the mere shape.
"Ok," she smiled.
"As I said, I don't expe-"
"Because I love you the most, too."
She reached for his hand and their fingers interlocked. Ben saw the gesture as an invitation and laid once more by her side, except this time their bodies were touching each other.
"Why?" he asked caressing her cold arm. "What could you possibly love about me?"
"I don't know," she laughed unaware of his many complexes. "Everything? I mean, you were kind of weird and annoying in the beginning, but you grew on me."
She heard him giggle and she joined him, now a little bit more relaxed, then cuddled at his chest, drawing circles on his skin.
"You know… if we hadn't stopped that night, right now we would have been, most likely, busy humping like bunnies."
"Yeah… most likely…" he hugged her. "Maybe we didn't stop."
Rey lifted her head, but instead of seeing anything, she just inhaled his scent, bringing back the tingling sensation inside her womb and between her legs.
"Maybe we didn't," she repeated his words. "And it was romantic and cute because it happened in my old bedroom. It was my goodbye to… my old life as a teenager and me welcoming the woman I am now. And the man who made love to me is the kindest and most handsome man."
"And he loves you the most."
"And he loves me the most," she snorted reaching for his smooth thick hair. "You should let it grow longer and perhaps grow a beard too."
"I doubt my bosses would agree with you, but I might consider it."
"Is that the only suggestion you might want to consider?" she kissed his jaw just before he got up. She sought the shape of his body in the dark, feeling the panic build inside her in the wake of another rejection. However, he threw something on the ground then hid under the sheets. Quickly, Rey did the same thing, throwing her towel on the nightstand and joining him.
"Don't be afraid," he tried to soothe her anxiety, although his was more than evident. What he did not know was that she hadn't even noticed her body trembling. There was no hesitation as far as it concerned her, but only regarding the act itself. However, she was doing her best to ignore the fact that they were both completely naked this time. It seemed that Ben was right about all that self-consciousness bullshit. Were her legs perfectly shaved? The lights were off, but he could still sense whether something about her was not perfect. Like maybe she was too boney or her inner thighs were not firm enough. Was he going to end up disappointed that her skin was not that soft and that it did not smell like honey and roses? Maybe it didn't matter!
"Oh, I'm just cold," she shuddered.
"Ok, then," he sighed relieved. "Just please tell me if I hurt you or if it makes you feel uncomfortable."
"I'm fine. Are you sure you want this?"
Ben hesitated for a moment, then suddenly covered her lips with his. He was probably still not sure about what they were about to do, but his body was more than ready. The kiss did not only help him get distracted from any negative thoughts but also helped Rey pay attention to that sweet flavour of his and to him touching her thighs with his curious, yet still shy hands.
"I feel it too. I love you, little one…"
"Rey?"
A serious Rey with her hair tied up in a messy bun looked at her husband. He approached her cautiously and left Bee in her lap, the kitten meowing at the sight of her owner and running to cuddle at her chest. Rey smiled scratching her back just above the tail, but Ben knew when his wife was not being herself, though she hadn't been herself in weeks. He had guessed that something was wrong the moment she did not come out of their bedroom at all. He had taken care of Bee the entire morning and the kitty eventually rewarded him by snoring on his cast while he worked at the computer, but his attention was most definitely not on Bee or his work. Not when he hadn't heard Rey's footsteps the entire morning.
He looked at her. If Bee made him forget about his anxiety for a few hours, it did not seem to have the same effect on Rey. Perhaps she was looking at their pet, but not truly doing so, as her gaze was a lost one and her mind seemed to be far away.
"Sweetheart?" he sat down next to her. "Shouldn't you be with the kids or with Rose at least?"
She shook her head still visibly distressed.
"I didn't feel like getting out of the house… or bed."
"I see," he took her hand and kissed it without getting any reaction from her.
"Did you feed Bee?" she said apathetic and threw the tablet on Ben's pillow.
"Yeah. I gave her some tuna and water."
"Good," she nodded. "I should probably go to the pet store and get her actual cat food and maybe a bed and some toys. She should be seen by a vet, too."
Ben watched her rub her temples and then her eyes and felt powerless, helpless, incapable of taking care of his wife and her needs. He inhaled and exhaled quickly, letting out a whimper. The whimper drew Rey's attention, who stopped brooding and looked at him and his sad puppy face.
"Speaking of doctors," he furrowed. "I asked about a CT scan for you."
"Oh," she closed her eyes slapping her forehead. "I forgot about that. Typically me."
"Yeah, so I was saying, the waiting list is huge and we might have to wait a few months. Buuut the police has your file and in the papers in that file, we might have the answer for your scar."
"Great," she murmured without a drop of enthusiasm.
"Isn't this what you want? Answers?"
His voice was so soft and gentle that it felt more like a knife to her stomach. To get the answer, she had to swim in a sea of mud and trash. She had tasted some of it and she did not like it at all. She knew she could trust Rose regarding Phasma's reliability, but maybe that woman still knew something about her that no one else did. After all, regardless of how much free time Phasma had, it was illogical for someone to waste so much time investigating from home and accusing people she was not even involved with in the first place.
"Come," she tapped on her abdomen and Ben chuckled. However, moments later, his head was resting on her abdomen and both Rey and Bee were playing with his long curled raven strands.
"Any nightmares?"
Ben blinked lazily and looked at his lethargic wife.
"No. No nightmares, no panic attacks, no anxiety. You? Any memories coming back?"
Rey touched Ben's nose gently, tracing its interesting shape and stopping above his upper lip. She had done that before… No! She wanted to do it, but she was too afraid back then. She was also too afraid to look at him, even though just the night before she was swooning over every little piece of his body. What was even his opinion about her at that point?
" Is this the end? " she managed to ask him while he was getting dressed. According to the news, the storm had turned into a drizzle and the roads were clean enough to go back home. And Ben was surely eager to get home after leaving his mom alone with her nurse for so long.
" What do you mean? "
" Last time… after Maz's funeral, you told me that us doing this would be a loss. That we couldn't be friends anymore. So is this the end? "
" It doesn't feel like an end to me. "
His serenity was surprising and unlike him, but so was Rey's bad mood. So he jumped next to her in bed. With his shirt unbuttoned and dishevelled and without his hair perfectly combed, he was just like a teenager. Somehow, his attitude was making the differences between them less significant and more forgettable.
" I won't take back what I said, Rey. I do love you. If I disappointed you in any way… "
" You were perfect, " she jumped to defend him, even though her lower body wasn't feeling exactly perfect.
" Then what do you say about tonight? "
Rey's eyes grew wider and she bit her lip. She was hurting. No matter how much she was trying to fool her own mind that her first time had occurred that night in her old bedroom, the pain between her legs was more than just an aching reminder that she was no longer a virgin. It was a reminder that some things require time and patience. Ben had been honest and told her that he had no experience either, so why the hell did she push him to do that instead of allowing each other to explore their relationship and bodies patiently?
" Sure," she sighed. " In my bedroom? "
Ben raised an eyebrow amused, then laughed.
" I was asking you on a date, silly. "
" Date? " she furrowed.
" We don't have to call it a date if you don't want to, " he suddenly panicked. " I've told you before - I don't expect anything from you and you are safe in my house, even if we don't pursue this relationship. "
She parted her lips and let out a sound of relief.
" But what if I want to? "
"What if I want to?" she murmured.
"Want what?"
Ben had his eyes closed and by the look of it, he was one caress away from falling asleep with Bee happily entangled in his hair. Rey moved carefully, then bent over Ben, grabbed his face and kissed him.
"Do you want to do something together?" she asked brushing her nose against his.
"I should go back to work, Rey."
"Not now," she continued peppering kisses on his lips, chin, nose and forehead, making him giggle. "But one of these days. Kaydel's party was nice, but there were too many drunk strangers and our unplanned movie date was amazing, but I just wish we had more time for us. Where did you take me for our first date?"
"To the farm to see your old pets. We were supposed to ride the horses, but you were feeling unwell, so we just ate some freshly baked bread with butter and cheese and drank some milk, then we went for a long long walk."
"That's… that's actually very sweet. We should do it."
"Sounds good to me. Buuut I need to go back to work now," he sighed getting up and putting Bee on his cast.
"Ben," she called him before he got to leave the room. "If things go back to normal, do you want to… like… go back to working with me and leave your current job?"
Ben inhaled and stood there without moving or saying anything for a few moments.
"I can't give you an answer now as I don't want to jinx it, but I will think about it."
Maybe Rey's amnesia was still bad enough to keep her from enjoying many things, but her instincts were still alive and telling her that Ben's hesitance was just his usual reluctance to trying out new things. He might have refused her politely for the moment, but his actual answer was a positive one.
She knew it.
She knew him.
"Thank you for buying from us! See you soon!"
The client took her receipt and waved goodbye before leaving with a large box full of lemon tarts. She was the last one of the many clients they had that day and Rose was more than proud of their success. She opened the cafe rather late, as she had to stand in for a colleague whose son slipped on ice and ended up needing stitches. Rey later joined her, but the lady usually responsible for the cooking was back at work, so her friend was more than glad to go upstairs and entertain the children before their nap. So it was late afternoon when they arrived at work to find their clients gathered in front of their cafe, demanding goodies. They were so desperate to try on their products that many of them didn't even bother minding their own lives while Rey finished baking the first batch of cookies, instead waiting inside the cafe and trying Rose's blends.
Oh, if only all days were like this , she sighed massaging her stiff neck. She took off her apron and left the counter sneaking in the kitchen, where Rey was decorating some pink cupcakes.
"I'm almost done," she said adding a tiny sugar paste butterfly on one of the cupcakes. She hadn't even lifted her head to look at her! It was as if she had some sort of power that made her sense her presence regardless of how focused she was on her decorations. Rose smiled then quickly turned her head. The ringing bell from the front door was announcing a new customer. She hadn't hung the 'closed' sign just yet and there were still some apricot jam croissants left for sale that she had initially hoped to buy them herself. Oh well…
"Hello, how may I help you?"
She put on a smile before the client approached her enough for her to distinguish her features under the furry hood of her grey cloak. But once she noticed that arrogant gaze and defying smirk, her smile vanished.
"Are the pink strawberry cupcakes ready?"
"In just a couple of minutes."
"Ok, then," she said looking around. "Is this all you have?"
"It's quite late and everything was sold out as soon as we put them up for sale."
The woman rolled her eyes extremely bored with Rose's explanation and waved her hand to silence her.
"Then pack all those croissants too."
Rose knew that it was better to just ignore her and do her job, so she gently put all the croissants in a box and left it on the counter. She was about to charge her for the croissant and the cupcakes when Rey got out of the kitchen with the cupcakes placed on a beautiful pink tray. Her smile vanished too at the sight of Mrs Phasma, but she seemed to be calm enough to brush off any resentments and place the tray on the counter before the client.
"Thank you, dearie. I knew I could count on you. Please don't forget that you're always invited to any of my private parties as both the chef and a guest. Well… unless you've already forgotten about them and you need to be reminded of how much fun you used to have."
Rey furrowed at that evil smirk, not understanding the subtext of her words. What was she implying and why was she insisting on acting as if she knew her best than Ben or Rose or even herself?
"Wait!" she ran outside after Mrs Phasma, ignoring Rose's protests. The woman turned to face her and Rey took a defensive stance, breathing heavily.
"Yes, dearie?"
"I've read your blog, Mrs Phasma, and I am not at all content with what you've written about me these past years and especially not about my husband. I think we all deserve an apology."
"Do you?" she snorted. "Rey, everything I wrote is the truth and nothing but the truth. You were quite a pleasant surprise, dearie. Maybe you don't remember our friendship, but I helped you rediscover yourself and your abilities. I made you a star… well… you were on the verge of becoming a star like your brother until someone got paranoid and jealous."
Rey shook her head.
"You're lying. I know you do. Ben would have never harmed me out of jealousy on my success."
"Oh my," laughed the woman. "Who said anything about that? It was not necessarily about your success as it was about your new friends. All those men willing to help you escape your mediocre life."
Men ? Like the ones Ben was told about when Finn tried to convince him that she was alive but in the arms of another man?
"I am not and I have most definitely never been a cheater!" she lashed at the woman, though her vocal tremor was not helping her at all as the woman laughed again. She was treating her like a silly little girl.
"You are so dramatic, my dear. It was not cheating. It was experimenting. We all do it. Your husband included."
Rey gasped and watched Phasma leaving in her white Mercedes. It was impossible. That woman must have been a wicked pathological liar because Rey knew herself and Ben and there was no way either of them had cheated on the other. Yes, she had been ridiculously jealous on Kaydel, but the girl was in love with someone else and Ben had always been too shy and reserved to just jump in another woman's bed. And he was naively honest, so even the possibility of him having a mistress or random adventures during her missing years was out of the question. He had admitted to having only pleasured himself and to have been solely focused on his work and bills and she believed him.
However, in what concerned her…
No ! She shook her head refusing to believe Phasma's words. She wouldn't have done that to Ben, especially not after how much it took her to get him to make love to her, date her and marry her. Not considering his abandonment issues, her need for a family and the pain they had suffered after the premature death of what would have been their first baby. Maybe she did run away days ago when Finn came to see her, but she was scared and vulnerable and he was her brother, not some stranger she wanted to fuck.
"I've told you to not listen to Phasma or talk to her or pay attention to her or… Ugh! Anything!"
Rey closed her eyes ashamed. Rose was right to scold her. After all, it took her half an hour to calm her down and make her stop crying after her altercation with Phasma. Now that she could think more clearly, she was angry at her own self for being so silly to believe those lies and feed that woman's ego. She couldn't just believe any stranger she met on the streets when it came to her life before her disappearance. It was a ridiculous, immature and desperate thing to do, not to mention extremely unhealthy.
"Thanks, Rose," she hugged her once the car stopped in front of her house. "Thank you for everything."
"That's what friends are for, dearie ."
They both laughed at Rose's imitation, then Rey said her goodbyes and ran inside. Now without Rose to see her, scold her and encourage her, paranoia was getting under her skin once more. It was like a bunch of tiny claws scratching to work their way up inside her spirit.
"Sweetheart?"
Rey closed her eyes and bit her lip keeping the whimper inside her chest.
"Do you have something to tell me?"
She heaved knowing perfectly that there was no point in even trying to fool him anymore. Therefore, she looked him in the eye with all the strength she had left in her tiny body.
"I've met Phasma yesterday and again today. She told me… stuff. She told me how I was 'experimenting' with other men and how you did the same thing."
Ben looked at her all serious, then furrowed.
Was he contemplating their past sins?
Was he about to have another panic attack or lash at her?
"Please say something!" she cried. "I need you to say something!"
"Say what, Rey?" he shrugged perfectly calm. "The only truth is what we have right now. It's your choice whether you choose to believe some crazy bored woman or your feelings for me."
Rey pursed her lips not completely satisfied with his words, no matter how reasonable he sounded. She knew that she should have kept her mouth shut, but she still opened it and before she even realised what she said, her heart broke at the sight of Ben's disappointed face and guilty eyes.
"After what we've had these past days, including this morning, I'd truly expected more from you, Rey. I won't even bother anymore with explaining to you that Kaydel has been my only friend and support and with pointing out all the reasons why I don't hate you or blame you. I can assure you that I could get past you cheating on me as a mistake, but I can't get over and over again you gaslighting me."
Now that hurt.
"I'm so sorry, Ben!"
She ran towards him to hug him, dropping her bag, but as she stretched out her arms to reach him, he took a step back. She knew her husband well enough by that point to know when he needed his space. Pushing him would only lead to him rejecting her even more and completely ruining the little they had accomplished so far.
"Umm… I've got some stuff for Bee like food, treats, toys and… stuff. I've got you some cupcakes too."
He didn't even bother saying anything to her. He just turned his back on her and left. Rey shook her head and went after him, following him in the living room.
"At least tell me where Bee is!"
No answer. Just the study door slammed in her face.
Rey let out a loud frustrated groan. Phasma won. She didn't even need to plant the seed of doubt again or anything else. It was enough that she threw the pack of seeds at her because she ended up doing her work anyway.
She rubbed her eyes and sat down in the teal armchair, too numb to even think about her miserable decisions. She looked at her feet, only now realising that she was still wearing her boots, staining her gorgeous carpet. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from groaning again and took off her boots, throwing them like a rugby ball, across the living room and right into the hallway, even managing to hit the tiny table with the drawer where Ben had his notebook in. The table itself was not the issue, but the large glass vase full of blooming orchids was. She ran to it catch right before hitting the wooden floor. Some soil did fell out of the vase, but Rey managed to put most of it back in the vase. Why was even an orchid vase there? The ones Ben had decorated the house once she returned were still in perfect condition.
The orchids bought by Ben…
"Has Kaydel been here?" she asked as soon as she heard his footsteps behind her, knowing that Ben was too busy to go out for more important things, let alone something so trivial such as buying flowers to decorate the house.
"Yeah, she dropped by to bring me some papers from work."
"And these flowers too?" she murmured looking at the tiny box on the table. She thought she had put those earrings in the jewellery box in the walk-in closet. Why on earth had she brought her flowers and jewellery again? Her food was great, but not that spectacular for Kaydel to bring her a… ring. She took out the ring and looked at it. A gold wedding band identical to the larger one she had worn on her finger for a few days before giving it back to…
"Ben…"
"I can't give you back the engagement ring or afford a similar replacement at the moment, but I thought you might want your wedding ring back… or at least a new one like the one you lost."
"It's so beautiful," she wept turning to face him. She did not try to hug him again. Instead, she handed him the ring.
"When you decide that we are both ready to be husband and wife, you can put it on my finger."
Ben took the ring and looked at it without any drop of at least warmth, let alone love or nostalgia for the time they had spent as husband or wife. Not even hope for a better future in which…
Is he smiling?
"How about tonight?"
"What?"
Ben Solo - always unpredictable and full of surprises. Always a grumpy giant with a heart of gold. He took her hand and, clumsily, put the ring on her finger before taking it to his lips and kissing it.
"I think you're now once again officially married, Mrs Solo."
