Chapter 23
"Your welcome. So, what are you going to do with your unexpected free night?" Justin asked. He wanted Brian to start making his life outside of the bars. Tonight was the perfect night to start.
"I'm not sure, but I know it won't involve drinking," Brian said as he smiled at his companion.
Chapter 24
Brian had finished his salad when he informed Justin that he was canceling his planned excursion to Babylon. Justin had a few bites remaining of his burger and he ate those while he allowed Brian to continue processing their conversation. Brian appeared content to sit quietly while Justin finished his dinner.
After Justin finished his last bite of burger and mopped up the last of the ketchup with his fries, Brian asked, "What are you going to do now that you have the night free? After all, you were going to hang out with me at Babylon and now that is off the table." Brian had been looking forward to going to Babylon and having something to do other than attending an AA meeting and letting the hamsters run free in his head. He took a large drink from his water glass. He twirled the glass on the table, leaving rings from the condensation.
Justin looked at the clock on the back wall and did a mental calculation of the day and time. "I'm still up for hanging out with you if you want," Justin said. He'd not made plans on his own as he had committed to Brian.
"You don't have to. I know you were going with me to help keep me away from the alcohol. Now that I'm not going to Babylon, you can do whatever you would have normally done," Brian said, trying to let Justin gracefully out of his previous commitment.
"I don't have any plans and I'd like to do something. We could walk around downtown, go to Station Square; I love to watch people. We could ride the Incline. The view is really majestic. I often go there for inspiration. Of course, there are escape rooms, the Coin Operated Hall of Fame, or the moonlight horseback ride. There really is a lot of stuff to do here. You pick."
"I know where Station Square is, I've taken lots of clients there. There are some really great restaurants, but seeing how we just finished eating, I don't see us eating again." Brian waved his hand across their table covered in dirty dishes. "I've never heard of the Coin-Operated Hall of Fame and horseback riding by the moon sounds like a date. I haven't been to the Incline in years, but I guess if it inspires you, we could do that." He waved the waitress over to their table and looked at the bill. Laying down money to cover his part of the bill, he gave the bill to Justin for him to pay his part. He mulled over the choices that Justin made and said, "Incline it is. Let's go. Art awaits. Since you don't have to watch me at the bar, I'll watch you as you get inspired."
"Wanna take two cars or one? I'm not sure where you live in relation to the Incline, but I imagine you'll be heading home from there rather than coming back here," Justin said as they walked out of the diner.
Brian thought about where the Incline was and realized it was pretty close to his home. Taking one car and having to come back here would really add another hour to his night. "I'll take my car. It is closer to going home from there rather than coming back here. However, in some ways having to come back here would be ideal as it would give me an excuse to blow off Mikey. Telling him I was too far away from Liberty Avenue to head over there might work, but knowing Mikey he would remind me that it was Thursday and the night was young."
"It bothers you that he doesn't accept your sobriety?" Justin asked. He walked to his car in the lot and Brian walked beside him. They were not in any hurry.
"I'm not really surprised that he reacted that way; although I would be lying when I said that I had hoped for more support. All those introspective talks that we've been having about my drinking, my relationships, etc are no longer theoretical. I'm going to put all the running that the hamsters have been doing in my head to work. I've had a lot of time to think in the last few weeks." Brian and Justin stood next to Justin's car. Brian's car was a few rows over but he made no move to walk toward it.
"Brian, remember we talked about how you didn't become an alcoholic overnight, you're not going to make sweeping changes in your life overnight either. I know you want things to be different, but trying to change too much at once will just result in disappointment," Justin said. He wanted to add something about his own experience but thought that the warning would suffice for now. He shivered slightly as the wind blew.
"You sure you want to ride the Incline? It's cold up there," Brian asked.
"Brian, I'm fine. I have a light jacket in my car and I'll put that on. I know you were looking forward to going to the bars tonight and I think it would be a good idea for you to do something fun for yourself." Justin smiled, hoping he was keeping the tone light, but really glad that Brian had agreed to go rather than head home and try to second guess his decision. If he was occupied, then it would be that much more difficult to change his mind. "I know you want to change a lot of things in your life, but let's just start with increasing your recreational pursuits. The Incline is cheap and available until almost 1:00 am every day. No one is going to offer you booze when you board and you won't have Michael at your side pushing you to drink or do drugs."
Brian nodded in agreement. "True. I am an impatient man, wanting things done right this minute. I'm beginning to realize that sobriety and this journey that I'm embarking on is not a quick fix. I have to get used to the idea that my transformation will not occur overnight or even in a week."
"If it makes you feel any better, I am still learning about myself and still find meetings beneficial," Justin said.
"Well as much as that might have been meant to be inspiring, it is doing just the opposite. If you've been sober for a year and I've only been sober for a month, that means that I've got 11 months until I'm where you are. I told you that I'm not patient," Brian said with a frown on his face.
"Let me rephrase that. Sobriety is a journey and one that you never really stop. True, I've been sober a little over a year, but after a few months, I really started to change. Try not to put a timeline on your transformation. This is not a college class or a campaign for a client; it is your life. Do you really think that people in their 50's are the same as they were in their 20's?" Justin touched Brian on the hand, trying to give reassurance.
Brian was pleased. He was not used to people touching him for support. He shook hands with clients, gave Deb a hug whenever he saw her and Michael demanded a kiss whenever they greeted. But a light touch on his hand just to show that someone was thinking of him, was new to him. Justin had a lot to teach him and he was beginning to realize that he had a lot to learn about himself and life.
Another breeze blew over the two men and Justin unlocked his door, reaching in for the lightweight gray jacket he kept on his passenger seat. He put it on and shivered a little at the coldness of the fabric but then smiled as the warmth from the additional layer started warming his chilled body. "People are always changing. They want different things at different times in their lives. It's okay to want to change. Don't be scared of the person who you might become. You've already changed as part of your journey. You went to a lawyer to find out about your rights to your son."
Brian listened and nodded in agreement. "So I'm ahead of you by already taking charge of some changes in my life?" Brian asked, always wanting to be on top of the competition.
"This isn't a race and I'm not going to play that game with you. You will make some changes in your life at a quick pace and others will be a work in progress. Like I told you the first day we met; there is no syllabus here. It's not a class where you get to tick off assignments and say okay I did all the work and now I'm fine." Justin said. The street lights illuminated Brian, giving him a slight glow in the darkness. "I'm here to support you and I think you have other friends that will help also. The important thing is that this is a journey where you need to be comfortable to reach out for support. If you could have done it yourself, you would have and you wouldn't be standing outside in the parking lot of a diner talking to me."
"Touche," Brian said. "I get it. No syllabus. No tests. No timeline." Brian looked around the parking lot, eyeing his car a few rows ahead of Justin's. "I'll meet you at the Incline. Let's see what kind of inspiration you get from the lights of Pittsburgh."
Brian walked to his car and opened the door to get inside. He put his keys in the ignition, closed the door and sat for a few moments contemplating his conversation with Justin.
'I told Mikey no. I talked to a lawyer about Gus. I'm not seeking sex as a refuge from my disappointment in not going to Woodys and in fact, if I'm truthful with myself, I really don't have a desire to go to Woody's right now. Maybe Carl was correct. Okay, Mr. hamster, time for you to get off the proverbial wheel in my head and go to sleep. I'm not up to any more thinking tonight.'
Brian drove to the lot at the base of Mount Washington, parked his car and walked up to the Duquesne Incline to pay his fare. Justin was waiting for him, having already bought his ticket. Since it wasn't the weekend, it was not that busy at 9:00 in the evening, but there were other customers in the trolley car.
"You know, I don't think I've ever been here. I've lived in Pittsburgh all my life, but my family was not one to do touristy things. I vaguely remember a school field trip being planned but my dad didn't want to pay the fee. He said it was silly to take kids to see the city when all there was to see was a bunch of houses and rivers," Brian said as he looked out the window of the trolley. He could appreciate the scenic view and understood why tourists, as well as locals, came here. There were not many bright spots in Pittsburgh, but this one could definitely be considered one of them. Brian was able to get a seat close to the edge and could see the view as the trolley made its way up the Incline. Justin was next to him and looked out the window as well.
The skyline was spectacular. Up here, above the city, a person could get lost in the vistas.
"The lights are nice," Brian said, underestimating their draw.
"I would hate to see what you would say is beautiful. I think the view is pretty spectacular myself," Justin said as he watched the city grow smaller as the Incline inched its way to the top of the summit.
"I'm not saying it isn't something to see, but I don't usually make a habit of labeling views. As I said, I don't think I've ever come up here, even though I've lived in Pittsburgh all my life."
"I know you travel for business. Don't you ever go sightseeing when you visit a different city? I bet you've gone to some places that have beautiful views," Justin said, somewhat taken aback at Brian's statement.
"While I travel for business and have visited many cities, I usually don't take the time to visit any local sites. If I had any free time, it was spent at the local bars and nightclubs picking up tricks," Brian said, realizing again how his life was built around tricking, work, and sex. Since he'd slept with many of the men in Pittsburgh, trolling for new ones in other cities was a common practice. He chose to trick rather than enjoy the sites of other cities. After tonight's meeting, he was starting to question his desire to have sex with so many men, but it was still too early to contemplate that part of his life. As Justin said so many times, he could not change everything at once.
"I guess I lead a pretty shallow life. As you can see when I say I don't have a clue what to do with my time, it is a true statement." Brian looked out the window, thinking about Gus and how he would probably like to go on the Incline with him. Brian hated admitting that he lacked finesse in any part of his life, but he was starting to realize that he was great at certain parts of his life, but needed a more rounded life.
"I know we've talked about this before, but I'll ask again. What do you like to do in your free time? A few weeks ago, you would have told me that you pick up tricks and cruise the bars, but you haven't been doing that. You spend time with Gus, your son, but try to think of some other things you might enjoy doing," Justin said, hoping Brian would come up with some ideas. He spent a few minutes looking at the lights of Pittsburgh, enjoying the mix of colors. He could see the rivers with their multiple bridges lit up. The small island in the middle with over 20 buildings built on it was of architectural interest.
Brian thought back through his last few weeks, looking for activities that he enjoyed.
"I watch old movies a lot. I definitely want to spend more time with Gus, although I haven't figured that out yet since my evenings are spent attending AA meetings," Brian smiled at his statement. "I mean, I spend a lot of time talking to you after meetings. Does that count?" Brian looked at Justin, remembering his first encounter with the man. He was attracted to him and wanted to get him into bed. Looking back, he was certain that his one-track mind regarding conquests and tricking led him to initially agreeing to his invitation to go for coffee. Even though Justin made it quite clear that they were going for coffee and he had no interest in sleeping with Brian.
They had almost reached the top of the Incline and both men looked out at the view. "I've seen this view on so many advertisements. Now that I see it for myself, I can really see the appeal. Up until now, I just saw it as an interesting view used to catch the eye of the customer," Brian said. He pointed to the bridges and the small island that jettied out into the river. "That piece of real estate is worth a fortune. There is so much commerce and traffic coming or going into the city and they all have to pass it. Advertising dollars are a premium for that space. Now that I see it from this vantage point, I can truly appreciate the location. Sure I'd read enough about the area to understand its strategic placement, but viewing it from this vantage point, gives a lot more meaning to it."
"I love the bridges and the lights," Justin said. Pointing toward the bridges, " The Rachel Carson Bridge changes colors. Did you know she was an environmentalist? Her books were the start of a global environmental movement," Justin informed Brian, sharing his information of Pittsburgh history.
"I just know it as the 9th Street Bridge. I didn't know it had another name," Brian said.
"Yeah. She grew up in the area but was a big environmentalist. She was one of the first people to testify in front of Congress about chemicals in our water supply and our air. Ultimately, her testimony was instrumental in cleaning up the rivers here. They are less polluted now than they were when she was a child living here," Justin said.
"You are a font of knowledge. And why, pray tell, do you know all this information?" Brian asked, tongue in cheek, but with a genuine interest in what made Justin tick.
"I not only love art but I like history too. Pittsburgh is my home and while I don't claim much of my family anymore, I do love the city. There is so much to do and see. It offers something for everyone. I like sharing it with people."
"I see. You do have a lot of enthusiasm," Brian said as he briefly contemplated his next statement. "Since you know so much about the city and my expertise seems to be the bars on Liberty avenue, what would you say to share your knowledge? My knowledge of things to do in the city could definitely be expanded," Brian asked Justin, hoping he would agree. He enjoyed their talks after each AA meeting and he'd been spending every evening for the last three weeks with the man. Exploring his own city may help him decide what hobbies or activities he'd like to do. "Having an experienced guide would be great," he said.
The trolley arrived at the top of the Incline and the passengers got off. Brian and Justin walked toward the restaurants in the upper station. While they had just eaten, that was the location of the Upper Incline Scenic Overlook where they could view more of the city.
Justin mulled over his answer as they walked toward the Overlook. On the one hand, AA discouraged newcomers from getting romantically involved with anyone new for at least 6 months, but Brian was not asking to date him. Brian had stated many times that he didn't want a relationship and had never been interested in one, but what they were discussing sure seemed to meet the definition of dating. On the other hand, he liked Brian and found him a very interesting man. He could easily be friends with him outside of AA and AA encouraged participants to make new friends and do things with other recovering individuals.
As a sponsor, he could justify hanging out with Brian, providing him support and knowledge. After all, that is what his original intention was this evening when he had agreed to go to Babylon with him. Taking him to the sites of Pittsburgh was definitely less concerning when it came to drinking. He liked helping people and he liked helping Brian.
"Sure, that sounds like fun. We could explore the city together. I could take you to my favorite places and then we can explore places we've never been to. Maybe, after all the exploration, you will find things that interest you and maybe some activities to do with Gus."
Brian nodded and smiled when Justin agreed to his suggestion. A tour guide sounded interesting. As they walked Brian accepted that there were definite advantages to sobriety that had nothing to do with not drinking. Maybe this was his opportunity to figure out who the real Brian Kinney was. If someone had asked him 2 months ago who he was, he would have answered that he was the 'Stud of Liberty Avenue and Owner of Kinetik'. He might have spoken about Gus, but it would have depended on the context of the conversation. After the meeting tonight, he wondered if he was still the 'Stud of Liberty Avenue'. While he could still pick up any trick he wanted, he'd chosen not to do so. Did that still make him the 'Stud of Liberty Avenue' if he didn't pick up tricks there? How would he answer that question? He honestly didn't know how he wanted to be known. He liked being Gus' dad and the boss of Kinetik, but other than that, he wasn't sure anymore.
Shaking his head to quiet the hamsters in his brain, he said to Justin, "Maybe, after all the exploration of Pittsburgh, I might be able to tell you who I really am."
Justin smiled at Brian's cryptic response, knowing his work for the night was done. He'd gotten Brian to start the process of figuring out what he wanted in life and he was going to help him come up with some much-needed answers. They finished walking to the Overlook and stood admiring the view.
"You're right. The view is spectacular. So, tour guide, what is on the tour for tomorrow? I have Gus tomorrow night, so I guess our tour doesn't start till Saturday. That is unless you are free to help a dad find something to do with his 10-year old son for a few hours on Saturday afternoon."
"So you have Gus tomorrow night? Are you going to the Friday noon meeting?" Justin asked.
"Yes. I meant to say something earlier but forgot. You going to be there?"
"Actually, no. I have a meeting with my agent. I am free Saturday afternoon. Do you bring him back to his mother's Saturday or Sunday?"
"Usually late Saturday, but I bring him back in time to make the Saturday meeting."
Justin said, "Let's make it easy. Why don't we meet here and take him to the Incline? You could grab something for dinner and then you could take him back and I could join you at the meeting." Justin purposely did not include himself in the invitation to join them for dinner, not wanting to insinuate that this was a date or anything remotely resembling one.
"Sounds like a plan. It would be interesting to see the city during the day," Brian agreed.
They spent about thirty minutes walking around and viewing the city before returning to the Incline to take the trip back. Once they reached the bottom, they went their separate ways.
Brian unlocked his car, looking at his dashboard clock that read 10:30. Babylon would be starting to hop. He could show up and see if he really could go and not drink, but he realized that he didn't want to. Just like Carl said, he could pick up tricks anywhere. Tomorrow he had Gus and he was always excited to see his son. He looked forward to his visit.
Thoughts of Gus made him think back to his meeting with Kera. He would have to talk to Lindsay and he had some legal stuff to deal with as well. His life had changed so much in the last month, but he knew it would have more upheaval in the coming weeks. Unfortunately, he didn't think that the changes would be met with as much ease as the ones he'd recently embarked on.
TBC
