So.. Here I am.
I wanna say that I'm sorry about the last rant I posted. I appreciate how some of you gave me the support needed. Thank you so much.
However, you should not have to. I am not a writer, my specialty is business technologies, hence I obviously do not truly know what it means to be a writer. Reading fiction should be personal according to me, I don't think everyone gets the same feelings while reading the same story. If a storyline makes you angry, then that is okay. If it makes you happy, then that is even better. I think what matters is to actually feel invested in that story.
For that I wanna thank you passionate readers. It is a blessing because as I said, I'm not truly a writer. I do have a lot of passion in me indeed, but that does not make me a true writer. I will always feel blessed to even have readers at all.
I also wanna share that when I posted the controversial chapter with a time jump, I was not in a good place. I was dealing with major anxiety due to an accident I had. My brain did not process that injury very well and made me sort of paranoid all the time. Thankfully it did not last more than a couple weeks, I went to see someone right away and felt so much better in almost no time. I was also very overwhelmed with work and classes, and I desperately needed something to help me disconnect.
That is not to say that I'm feeling 100% better, but I am definitely starting to feel like myself again. And being myself again reminded me that I should not have let the controversial chapter stop me from writing, especially since I needed to write it at that moment.
I wanna share my love and support to everyone about the pandemic we are currently facing. Please be careful and safe, please make sure to take care of your mental health as well. Do the things that make you feel good even if you are home, and please do not put any more stress on yourselves. We all deserve to at least stay sane. Please make sure to also beware of people around you, by keeping always a distance and keeping a good hygiene.
On a brighter note, I am doing whatever helps me feel sane and distracted. Here is a chapter. Let me know if you would rather I post everything past chapter 23 as a sequel instead.
As I had mentioned, the time jump is obviously inspired by the show, however in my story, Emily and Alison got together during season 5. They got together right after chapter 23. They later got married and had two children, then the divorce storyline sort of mimics what was mentioned on The Perfectionists. As I said in my rant, I chose to do this to give Emison a chance, and as a fandom, to not let the divorce mean they are over. Of course, this is also an excellent opportunity for angst ! You may expect a lot of angst. Also smut. Also emotions. Passion. Anger. Wicked thoughts. You know how it is :)
If you are still confused of what happened during the time jump, do not worry. It is intended. As the story goes, more elements from the past will be mentioned.
It was a Saturday morning. The brunette was rushing to get things ready for the girls first swimming lesson for babies. She quickly grabbed an apple to eat on the way to the natatorium. She was looking for her wife everywhere but couldn't seem to find her since she woke up.
''Ali? Where are you? We are late for the swimming lesson'', the brunette shouted for her wife to hear.
The blonde was nowhere to be seen, and Emily did not hear any answer from her. She quickly grabbed her phone to give her a call, hoping it would give her better luck reaching her wife.
''Ali?", the brunette asked as Alison actually does pick up.
''Hi babe! I can't talk much right now, I'm in a meeting"
"Alison! We agreed we would both be there for the Girls first swimming lesson!"
"I'm sorry Em.. I forgot to postpone my meeting and left in a hurry this morning. I promise I will make it next time", Alison tried to reassure Emily
The brunette sighed dramatically while still on the phone with her wife. She didn't hide the disappointment as it was not the first time that Alison was caught up with other stuff. Emily did not want to be demanding, but the reoccurrences made her feel uneasy. She needed Alison. She needed her to be more present. She needed her wife to participate more in family reunions. She knew that Alison was trying, but for some reason, Emily needed more and she couldn't help her disappointment.
"Em? You still there? Look, I'm sorry.. I know you were looking forward to it. And I know I keep doing this this. I really have to go, but please trust me, I will be there next time, okay?"
"Yeah. Sure⦠Do you wanna have lunch later with us?", the brunette asked hopeful to fix her morning with a nice lunch with her whole family.
"Shit.. Em, I'll try. I was supposed to return some stuff to the store, today's the last day for refund. But I'll try, okay?"
Emily didn't know why this hurt so much. She knew her wife was probably being clumsy. She knew Alison didn't mean to hurt her. This was Alison, her wife, the love of her life. Nobody knew her like she did. She knew Alison didn't think too much before acting. Emily is the opposite, but the brunette had this bad habit of not being comfortable always communicating her needs. It was hard for her, to feel like she was asking too much from the blonde.
"Okay. Sure, don't worry. Just let me know if you can make it", Emily tried hard to sound neutral, but she caught her own voice cracking slightly.
"I will, Hon. I love you, Em."
And just like that she hung up, the brunette not getting to tell her wife she loved her too.
And just like that, the blonde did not make it, as Emily was at a lunch restaurant Grace and Lilly at noon, constantly eyeing her phone, hopeful to get a call from her wife.
She couldn't stall the waitress much longer.
This was the first time Emily admitted to herself that her marriage was slowly sinking.
Emily's POV
The harsh sound of her phone alarm wakes her up. She hates that alarm, she should really finally change it. Alison hated it too.
Emily suddenly opens her eyes. Why did the thought of Alison just cross her mind?
Those dreams again, dreams of past events with the blonde. They get Emily to wake up every morning with her ex-wife in mind. She is getting used to it, but she still tries to find ways to ignore it.
"Fuck! Em! What the hell is that annoying sound?", Hanna shouts as she bursts in Emily's room.
"I know, I know, I'm sorry. Just, stop shouting, it's not helping", the brunette apologizes as she turns off the alarm and sits up slowly.
God, she should avoid drinking at all. Even half a bottle of wine from last night is making her feel slightly hungover. It's like every single decision she makes end up giving her bad results.
"I'm serious! When I told you that you could stay in my hotel suite, I definitely didn't think I was signing up for waking up like that! And what the hell, Em! It's freaking 8 am!", the blonde blurts out, making her friend feel her headache getting worse.
"Hanna! I get it. Now since you're up just shup up and come for a run with me"
At least some of her decisions had to be healthy, right? She can't just spend her life being messy. She needs to find herself again, in a good and healthy way. And she's willing to try, as long as it's possible for her at least.
"Oh my god. You have got to be kidding me", Hanna sighs as she rubs her temples with both hands
"EMILY! For fuck's sake. Wait up!"
The brunette stops and turns around, running in the opposite direction to meet her extremely slow best friend. She didn't even know someone could be that slow of a jogger.
"Come on Hanna. You can do better!", Emily tried to encourage in between her heavy breaths.
"You are trying to give me atrial fibrillation I fucking swear"
"That is not how you get atrial fibrillation, Han."
"Whatever! I'm sure I can die from this. God, give me some water"
"You already chugged my other bottle!", the brunette tries to prevent Hanna from taking her second bottle, but fails miserably.
"Your fault. You chose to take me with you", the blonde teases as she chugs almost the whole bottle and make her way to the closest bench.
"You know this is good for you though, right ? Your body needs this kind of relief if you wanna feel better", Emily tries to convince her complaining friend.
"You know what, Emily? There are plenty of other activities that my body would find much more fun", Hanna laughs, knowing very well this would make the brunette cringe.
"Ew! Hanna, I did not ask. Seriously, does the word privacy have any meaning to you ?", the brunette playfully asks while making a disgusted face to her friend.
"We aren't in high school anymore Em. You can drop this 'prude' act", the blonde winks at Emily, purposely pushing on her friend to loosen up.
"Okay, first of all, there is no 'act' here. Second of all, I am not a prude. Some things are just not.. appropriate to share", Emily speaks, not realizing the blush very obviously creeping on her cheek.
"Hum.. Boring much !?", Hanna exclaims as she turns to look at her friend. Emily looks at her defensively with a frown, and the blonde continues, "Besides, you are so not credible. We all know your act is just to hide how wild you truly are"
"I have no clue what you are talking about"
"Yep, tell that to your blush", Hanna proudly grins, feeling like she had won this little battle with her best friend.
The brunette glares at her friend while sipping on water, annoyed at the grin she holds while staring at her. She suddenly stands up and starts running again. Hanna deserves it, after all.
"Hey! Come back here! I was on a break! Who gave you the right..", Hanna shouts but then quickly attempts to catch up with her friend, temporarily regretting her teasing.
Emily hears her friend running behind her while swearing and calling her name. She smiles to herself and thinks she is happy to have a friend supporting her right now.
Alison's POV
It was hard for Alison to face Pam Fields. She remembers when the woman gave her the ring with hope and trust. Alison can't bring herself to look at the woman who used to be her mother in law, it would hurt way too much to think that she deceived the woman.
She rings the front door and nervously paces, dreading what's about to happen. She had had a great relationship with Pam when she was married to Emily, but she always felt awkward and nervous seeing her again after the divorce.
The door opens to a smiling Pam looking at Alison with a kind yet careful gaze.
"Good morning, sweetheart. I had missed you", the woman tells the blonde as she slowly approaches her for a warm, motherly embrace.
Alison smiles into the hug. It feels good to have someone making her still feel welcome no matter what. It feels good to remember the feeling of being held by a mother. Alison used to love breakfasts with her mother in law, shopping with her, and simply discussing stuff about the kids. Alison missed Pam too, and she realizes how much as she holds her a little tighter.
After long seconds, Pam realizes Alison have teared up and wiped the tear off her cheek. The blonde did not even realize it, and she suddenly feels guilty. She doesn't want Pam to worry about her, she just wants some things back.
"Oh honey, are you okay ? Did something happen ?", the older woman asks concerned.
"No, no don't worry. I just missed you, and the girls", Alison tries while wearing a comforting smile to make sure Pam doesn't worry more.
"Sweetheart, we missed you too. You will always be family. Don't you ever forget that"
Alison feels blessed at that moment. She was so afraid of meeting Pam, and it feels like a huge relief to see how the other woman still loved her and cared about her. The blonde did not even realize how much she needed this before feeling such relief. She smiles warmly at the other woman and holds her hand to show her how grateful she feels.
"Come on now, sweetie. The girls can't wait to see you"
Emily's POV
She was laying in bed, looking at old pictures on her phone. It was a bad habit, really, because all it ever did was bring her back to the past. Emily doesn't know what can she do to finally stop living in the past. She finds herself barely having a present, that is how nostalgic she is. She doesn't know if she wants to stay in Rosewood or leave again. She had lost her job back in New York. She kept showing up to work late, always using her daughters as an excuse. Too much traffic on the way to daycare. But Emily really would drive Grace and Lilly to daycare, only to then find herself alone in her car, feeling numb. It was an odd habit, but impossible to change. She would lose track of time, and needed so much strength to turn off her car, and get into the school she was coaching at. The kids were always ahead of her on the swimming pool.
She had tried driving back Grace and Lilly to stay with her mother for a whole week. But she still showed up late to work. She concluded that something was really wrong with her. And so she came back. She was not sure what was next, but having her mom taking care of her daughters helps Emily at least try to think about what she needs.
"So, what are the plans tonight ?", Hanna asks excitedly as she burst into Emily's room for the second time today.
"I was thinking of passing by my mother's place to see the girls", Emily answers wearing a warm smile at the thought of Grace and Lilly.
"I tell you what. How about we go out tonight, and go have breakfast tomorrow morning at your mom's ?", the blonde tries the brunette with a pleading smile and hopeful gaze.
"But.. I miss them, I haven't seen them in-"
"Since yesterday, Em. Come on, they will be fine ! It's spring break. You deserve to live a little"
"Define 'live'. 'Cause if you mean hook up with people, don't worry. I had my fair share when I would leave Grace and Lilly with my mother", the brunette instantly retorts with a slight eye roll.
"Damn. And here I thought getting girls was harder than boys", the blonde challenges her friend and sits on the edge of the bed, watching her knowingly. She knows her friend never had trouble with that matter, except when it came to Alison.
"It's not as bad as you may think. It's only ever bad when the girl is in denial", Emily thought about her whole youth day and night dreaming about Alison. She was so desperate for any sort of contact with her, that she never even thought about the possibility of being blessed to touch her bare skin. And Emily never had that with any one else.
"It changed you though. I know you did with Alison when you were 15, but I've never thought of you as a girl who tries. I feel like girls just... come to you", Hanna winks at her friend, knowing very well how embarrassed her comment would make her. So she scoots closer to her, seemingly trying to get the brunette to open up a little more.
"You make it sound like I'm some sort of non-caring womanizer", Emily blushes as she shifts and sits up. She is used to others making that sort of comment about her, but she never really knew how to react, especially when it came from someone she had a platonic connection with.
"Nooo", Hanna begins as she crawls next to Emily with a huge smirk on her face, "I'm saying it just as it is. You make straight men wish you were straight, straight girls suddenly turn queer, and don't get me started on actual queer girls"
Hanna grins and looks at Emily in a way that told her she expected the brunette to come up with yet something else to say. The brunette observes her friend for a moment and remains silent.
She knows Hanna always liked to tease her, but something about her teasing felt suggestive. Perhaps Hanna is trying to hook her up with someone, she is not sure but she is observing her friend and can definitely see it in her eyes. She has plans for Emily.
Alison's POV
Dinner was delicious.
Alison had missed when they would all have dinner together. Pam was great with food, and they would all spend a decent amount of time complimenting the woman's meals after every dinner.
With Grace sitting on her lap and Lilly focused on scribbling, the blonde remembers how much she misses having her daughters with her. She unconsciously holds Grace tighter at the thought, and it seems like Pam notices what's on the blonde's mind.
"You know Alison, you seem so happy whenever the girls are around", the older woman suggests as she is sips on her herbal tea.
Alison understands what Pam is implying. She looks at the woman sitting on the couch in front of her, and smiles timidly at her.
"I really am. But I don't know if I'm ready to permanently be back. I know I need to be, for them, but I just..", the blonde trails off as she is not sure how to explain how frightening it now feels for her to picture herself living in Rosewood again.
How would that even be possible ? She could barely look at Emily after the divorce, and it's been a while now that she hasn't seen the girl. She is not sure she would be able to have a healthy relationship with her, not sure she would be able to do a good job at parenting with her. She suddenly feels guilty sitting on Pam's couch while she had been thinking of making Emily suffer for what she did to her.
"Alison, you don't have to figure everything out right now. Honestly I'm just glad you are here now", the older woman smiles, watching the blonde giving a tender kiss on Grace's forehead, holding her tightly on her lap.
"I am too. I will probably get going. It's getting late", Alison reluctantly announces, wishing things were as they used to be. She and Emily would have delicious dinner here, drink some wine with Pam, talk about everything, and nothing, until they were all too tipsy to even keep the conversations going. The couple would often end up staying the night. It seemed to become their little family routine every time they had dinner here.
"Do you still have tenants in your house ?", the older woman curiously asks as she stands up along with the blonde.
"Yeah, I'm just gonna check in at the hotel. Do you mind if I take the girls with me ?", the blonde asks as she holds Grace close to her.
"I tell you what, dear.. Why don't you just, stay here ?", Pam asks the blonde with a warm smile, seemingly hoping Alison won't turn her offer down.
Alison slightly feels nervous about the woman's request. Where is Emily ? She knows the brunette is in town, so what if she comes home and finds Alison here ?
"Well.. I would've loved to really, but you know.. Emily doesn't know I'm back. I knew about it because of social media, and I took the opportunity to come see the kids. She will not be expecting me when she comes back here", Alison explains to the woman who used to be her mother in law. She feels sad saying this to the other woman, she can't help but feel like she is deceiving her and it aches the blonde's heart.
"You don't need to worry about that, Alison. Emily is not currently staying here. I think she needs a few days alone. She is staying at a hotel", Pam reassures, and the blonde sees worry in the woman's eyes. What's the matter with Emily ?
"Pam.. Is Emily alright ?", Alison painfully asks. She hates herself for worrying but she was caught off guard. She had been thinking her ex wife was living her best life back in New York, dating other women and having her daughters all to herself.
The other woman sighs and sits back on the couch. She looks at the blonde and hesitate before she starts talking again.
"You know sweetheart.. Emily has been a little.. out of it. I don't think that things went well in New York. She won't say what is going on with her but I know my daughter. I think she just needs to figure out what she wants right now, so I'm giving her the space that she needs", Pam explains and Alison does not miss the painful expression on her face. She sees the woman almost tear up.
But Alison quickly clears up her mind. She is not concerned about Emily. She is concerned about the poor mother in front of her. Just because she feels for Pam doesn't mean she will ever forgive Emily. The older woman doesn't even know how badly Emily hurt her. She doesn't know how many nights the blonde was in bed, holding her phone close to her and praying the brunette would call. Praying for Emily to call and tell her that breaking up was a mistake. But she never got that call.
"Things will be okay. Emily is strong", the blonde tries to make the woman sitting in front of her feel better.
"Please stay, dear", the woman looks up with a warm and vulnerable plea in her eyes. The blonde can't bring herself to refuse. After all, her anger against Emily has nothing to do with Pam. She sees the woman like a mother to her.
She lets go of Grace and sits next to the other woman and holds her hand to comfort her. Pam looks at her with a relieved expression and Alison smiles reassuringly at her.
Emily's POV
She already feels tipsy. She doesn't know why she keeps doing this to herself. She wonders if her daughters miss her. And it pains her to think about them because she doesn't feel like a role model to them. She hopes her mother can take care of them for now because how could Emily be the one taking care of them right now ? It was becoming painful to look at them, given how much of a mess she was recently. She feels worthless, she feels like she is not good enough to be a mother.
When will it stop ?
When will she finally feel whole ?
Why does she feel worse than ever ? What was the point of this divorce, if she wasn't able to work on herself as a person and heal ? Did she do a mistake ?
The thoughts are choking her, and she hates thinking about the choices she made because she knows what the conclusion will be.
She left Alison. She left her to be able to grow as a person, to heal properly from all these past years that turned her into a vulnerable woman. She wanted to change, to start trusting again. She wanted to be able to love someone without needing them to prove their love to her every day.
Or maybe she wanted to be able to love Alison without being scared that she may stop loving her.
She knew this was about Alison. It was always about her. All her insecurities, her fears, her vulnerability, they were all only ever there when it came to Alison.
But it's too late now. She left her and Alison never tried to get her back.
Emily lost Alison.
"Em? Where did you go?", Hanna asks her friend curiously.
And Emily is glad her friend broke that train of thoughts of hers. She desperately needed that. The last thing she needs right now, is Alison consuming her mind.
"Sorry Han, what were you saying?", she almost slurs her words as she feels the wine in her system. She tries to keep her eyes open as looks at her friend laying on her stomach next to her, holding herself on her elbows.
"I was saying, help me find someone hot on tinder. You have better judgement than I do"
God, the brunette almost laughs at what Hanna said. If someone had horrible judgment as of recently, it was Emily.
"Fine. Gimme your phone"
The blonde turns so she rests her back against the headboard, giving her phone to the lying brunette excitedly and watching carefully her friend opening the app and starting to swipe.
"Nope, he has a punchable face. Nope, I don't think he's your type. Nope, he looks stoned. Nop- wait, that's girl. Why is there a girl ?", Emily asks while she suddenly sits up and watches her friend accusingly.
"Well, show me. Is she hot ?", Hanna grins as she tries to reach for her phone, but the brunette keeps it out of her reach.
"Hanna. Explain. Now", the brunette gives her a serious look.
"Come on Em. Don't be a bummer. I'm tipsy, don't give me that serious look of yours. I enabled the girls option, not the 50 years old men option. Don't freak out", Hanna laughs as she tries again to take her phone from Emily's hand, but the brunette dodges her again.
"So.. you are trying to experiment?", the brunette asks, and her curiosity makes her friend smile.
"What makes you think I haven't already?"
The brunette gapes at her friend, and Hanna takes the opportunity to finally take her phone from her.
"Damn, she is fine.", the blonde gushes.
Emily takes the phone away from her friend again and closes the app, watching her friend expecting more explanations.
"Hey! I didn't get to swipe right!"
"Is this to get back at Caleb ?"
"Oh my god. Why are you so dramatic? I didn't get to experiment when I was younger, and after me and Caleb broke up, I have. Why is that a shocker?"
And Hanna's got a point.
Emily nods slowly, processing this new information and watching her friend expecting some sort of feedback from her.
"Well, you are bisexual then ?"
"I guess I am", the blonde retorts.
A silence settles between the two friends. Hanna eventually reaches for her phone again and opens the tinder app again while Emily just looks at her, processing.
Was Hanna actually flirting with Emily earlier today ?
Emily drove silently with her friend on the passenger seat. They barely said a few words to each other since they woke up. Last night, after Hanna dropped the bomb to Emily, they didn't talk much either. Emily let her friend swipe on tinder without questioning her, and eventually she fell asleep.
She couldn't help but wonder about her friend's intentions. She thought she was being teasing, and playful, and trying to set her up with some girl.
Maybe Emily is just overthinking. After all, this was Hanna. Hanna was always teasing and she always loved to embarrass her.
And besides, Hanna is Hanna, her very platonic best friend since forever.
But why is Hanna silent too ?
"Did you get enough sleep ?", Emily asks without turning her head.
"Hum, not really, but I'm fine", the blonde says back as if she was startled to hear the brunette speak. She doesn't look at Emily though.
What is with her ?
"Look, I'm sorry if it seemed like I wasn't supporting you last night. I was just.. surprised. I support you Han, 100%. And I'm proud of you for figuring yourself out, as long as you are honest with yourself-"
"Em, I am. Look, I'm not 15 anymore. I would never put a label on myself for attention, or to get back at Caleb", she says and Emily almost hears hurt in her friend's voice.
"I know. I'm sorry Han. You are right, you're an adult and I shouldn't have assumed you may be experimenting for the wrong reasons", and the brunette finally looks at her friend, hoping she would see the sincerity in her eyes.
Hanna looks at the brunette tentatively and pauses for a moment.
After a few seconds, Hanna finally smiles lightly.
Emily parks her car in front of her old home. She takes Hanna's smile and silence as her answer, and they both unbuckle their seatbelt and make their way to the front door. The brunette looks at her friend one last time before ringing the doorbell, hoping that Hanna really did accept her apology. The blonde smiles lightly but warmly to her, and Emily feels instantly better.
When the door opens, Emily thinks she may faint. She almost rubs her eyes at the sight. The other woman looks stunned as well, and blinks a couple times. Is she dreaming ? Is she really standing ? Will her legs fail her ? Her heart beats fast, and she almost feels herself sweating.
What the hell is happening ?
"A-Alison ?"
So this was kind of an introduction of this storyline. I know some of you may hate it. Please remember this is an Emison fanfiction no matter what happens.
I am not sure if I will pursue this. I am currently just going with the flow and helping myself being distracted as I said above.
I do have plenty of ideas and a plan though. It should be very, very angsty. Very wicked, and will hurt a lot too, i can't lie !
What can I say, I'm an emotional masochist. It hurts, but then the end result feels even more thrilling ;)
Thank you for reading !
